I have perhaps a slightly different perspective from >>horizon on the way some of these end. Some are more "telly" than "showy," but for me the contrast doesn't necessarily detract from the poems. I wondered if it was intentional, since (sorry if this is common knowledge) traditionally the last line of a haiku can serve to illuminate or change the meaning of the preceding two. In turn, the first lines often do sort of support/set up the third. One of the best examples here is #12.

Granted, the other quoted examples don't pull it off as smoothly. Uneven quality is a valid criticism, and certainly some of these could be improved to shine as brightly as the gems that are already here. I'd love to see the results if they are. As it is, I have too many favorites to list. Thank you for this entry.

There’s a lot to like here, Writer. I agree with >>PaulAsaran, this is a nice way to redress the abruptness of Starlight Glimmer’s ascension into the upper echelons of friendship demigodhood. Both Discord and Starlight feel in-character and on-point for most of the story.

However, something doesn’t gel with me in the paragraph that starts, “So I didn’t wake up one morning and think”. I can’t put my finger on what, exactly, but both times I’ve read through this story, it felt less like it was Starlight saying these words, and more like it was you, Writer, almost in defense of the story you’re telling. It’s not even necessarily out of character for Starlight - she is prone to bouts of blunt sarcasm - but even so, this rant, which the story is clearly building towards, threw me out of the story. It might be that her rhetoric here feels a bit too on the nose, at least for me.

That's really the only problematic part for me, though. The story ends on a particularly strong note - I love how Discord refers to Fluttershy has his conscience, and how he refers to Ponyville as being “lousy” with potential consciences for herself. Dehumanizing (deponifying? w/e) the citizens of Ponyville like that is just deliciously Discord, and the dialogue continues on strong to the end.

Final Thought: I like to think this is canon.

I will echo the general sentiment that the horror/dread seems to be lacking from this. I get a sort of Lovecraftian vibe (the things we should not know, etc), but there's no real reason or even cruel unreason to how it ends up afflicting Twilight. It... happens, which sort of leaves me going "Okay?"

Prose is solid and little character touches are good, but I do think something actually needs to be done to build to what I believe is supposed to be a terrible and horrifying thing.

>>AndrewRogue
I have a theory about that last line. What is usually in the margins of a book? Blank paper - the medium on which the story is told. What if the truth the last line is referring to is that the form of the story is more important than the story itself? Because the story is coming directly from the Nightmare, the words are (probably) the insidious way in which the Nightmare is bypassing Twilight's normal defenses. The words written on the Nightmare's innards are lies - the only truth that matters is the Nightmare herself, claiming victory over Twilight's subconscious mind.

Or, I'm totally overthinking this and it's just a salacious metaphor for graphic sex. ^^

This was a poignant read for me. Though the exchange between Twilight and Luna is tentative and subdued, there's a powerful heartbeat underlying each word, and the emotions ring true. There's a certain restraint to the writing, but it's well-crafted and evocative.

I gather readers are meant to draw their own conclusions about the source of this shared grief. That doesn't work for everyone all the time, but it worked for me here.

See >>Pascoite & >>Bachiavellian. There is some decent emotion here, but I get hung on up on some of the logical threads. Like, as a longtime fantasy buff, that that isn't how aging works. They wouldn't actually live longer on earth, as the relative time they experience should be the same. Stuff like that.

You should probably cut the entire scene and then reposition it so the "this is probably a prank" is a little closer to the beginning to serve as a better hook and get right into the story.

I read this work and wonder how
I think aloud, shall I allow?
What rank it is I should endow
Score set in heavy stone

Abstaining on poems this round. Trying to figure out how to deal with them on the slate.

>>Bremen
Oh, right. Thanks. For some reason I thought he fought alongside Nightmare Moon.

In battle to remove the blight,
A sister white, a sister wight

That line got me confused in particular. I thought he was in battle to remove the white sister, and so fanatically loyal as to call Celestia "blight" and "wight".
It's actually much clearer after reading it again.

Awww. That was beautiful. Nice slice of life scenes pictured in haikus.
I love it.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher

I doubt it’ll do very well.

This was basically my expectation.

Congratz to all the finalists!

An Inoffensive Story About Cartoon Horses: a Summary.

As I said earlier, I never expected this story to make it out of finals. However, I wrote this story because I found the conceit amusing and wanted to share it with all of you, not to place well. I enjoy that those who liked this story all found different things to appreciate about it and had different one-liners they enjoyed.

I think the biggest weakness people bring up in regards to this entry is that it lacks a coherent vision, which I think is very true. I had originally decided I would write a deeply cynical and sarcastic approach to fan fiction writing masked by naive optimism and enthusiasm, but ultimately the story ended up being a much more baseline critique of the show's writing than fan fiction—only tied back in by the ending. The problem this poses is that it lacks a clarity of what is being parodied. What am I complaining about? The show or the fans?

I wanted to have things be both ways: that the narrator was a likable and enthusiastic person that had no ulterior motives other than to provide entertainment, and that the story he told was the most derivative, by the books, and safe story that could possibly be told—a balancing act I didn't quite execute in the best of ways. I simultaneously wanted to bitch how people play things very safe and generally try to pander while writing fan fiction while also not trying to indict the narrator as being insincere or attack his intentions for creating such a story.

I think I partially succeeded by creating some pathos and pity for the narrator in the last lines, but ultimately was viewed more as a bit a novelty than anything else.

That being said, I didn't take anything I wrote in this entry all that seriously.

>>AndrewRogue

Maybe I'm just grumpy tonight

I'm going to start calling you NoFundrewRogue from now on.

I recommend checking out Doki Doki Literature Club, if you haven't already.

ah jesus christ you're never going to stop with that are you

>>Fenton

I want you in finals.

'Twas not meant to be.

Not what I've come to expect from a story by you, georg. Wish it had finaled, and thought it deserved to.

This was written because Exuno told me to write something that was movie spoilers.

...I haven't seen the movie.

I knew A) there were seaponies and B) there's some pony named Tempest something??

>>Bremen
Yeah, I think this is the intended result all along.

I'm also surprised this didn't final; I had it placed third on my slate, mainly for the reason that it was just a lot of fun to read.

I'm not sure if there's anything to say that has not been said already.

But, I will say that I liked it.

Tier: Pretty good.

I admit I'm a little disappointed this didn't at least make the finals, but I was never that happy with it; I was pretty sure the prompt would result in a lot of dark pieces and wanted to make something lighthearted and happy, though it seems a lot of other writers had the "help someone with a cold" idea. The end result was a fluff piece that doesn't really have much impact, though.

>>Pascoite

That was pretty much the intent, yeah, that they could help Fluttershy but also make sure the other ponies she cared about were taken care of as well. After all, she didn't just nurse them; she took care of what they were worried about so they could rest untroubled.

Twilight was meant to be sick as well, and Fluttershy helped her too; hence why she nods when the others are talking about their stories. If I ever redo the story I'd change it to a nod and mention that Fluttershy helped Spike with the library while she was sick or something. The reason Fluttershy didn't tell the others everypony was sick was because she didn't want to worry them that she was having to do it all, though unless they all got sick at once some of them probably knew (though they didn't know each of them was asking Fluttershy to do things for them, or they probably wouldn't have asked).

>>horizon

The implication at the end was supposed to be that they were going to do more than take care of Fluttershy, that they were going to take care of her and also reassure her that they were taking care of any ponies she might be worried about as well. This wasn't necessarily meant to be all of Ponyville; we do see in show episodes that Fluttershy has friends beyond just the mane 6, but it didn't feel right to get more specific.

Basically, it was my take on Fluttershy's kindness as compared to Rarity's generosity; Rarity is generous in that she wants to share what she has with others, Fluttershy is kind like a mother and doesn't like it when others are unhappy or worried.

>>Cassius
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Ion-Sturm
D-does nobody else get the impression of bat-pony? I seriously think he's turning into a bat-pony.

Anyway, I'm not a great fan of this one, but I don't wanna punish it due to the exceptional writing skills. Abstaining.

Well, that was interesting. I really like the twist you put on it at the end, with the Crystal War. However, I'm afraid I do not see the reason for selling the farm. If you ever expand it, that's what I would recommend working on.

Tier: Keep developing.

>>MLPmatthewl419
Isn't it incredibly appropriate that you have comment #419 in the overall numbering?

>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bachiavellian
>>Fenton
>>Ion-Sturm
Thanks for commenting and apologies for the—unsurprisingly—bad story. I’m happy the prose was good enough to pass muster and yeah, I had no idea how to end the story. That’s why the second part was lame.

Sorry again and happy halloween to all!

>>sharpspark

I wondered if that was the case but I wasn't sure how an author who hadn't seen the movie would know about the pearl.

Or was that a lucky guess? If so, it's hilarious.

>>Cold in Gardez
I followed up with Blueshift, just to make sure I didn't have an unreasonable perception of British usage. Here's the exchange I had with him:

in my experience, many British people use whilst much more casually than an American would. My recollection is that some British people use it exclusively, even in such a casual setting as Discord, and I thought you were one. So was I remembering that wrong about you, and in either case, how common is it for Brits to use "whilst" preferentially, even in casual usage? A counterexample was given from the Cambridge Dictionary saying whilst was more formal and less common.

I use it a lot
I'm sorry that Americans are uncultured animals.
I wouldn't turn to the cambridge dictionary of english grammar.

In your experience is it common or at least not unusual for Brits to use "whilst" preferentially or exclusively over "while"?

It's not crazy

I still think I'd give the author the benefit of the doubt on that one point as something he's used to using informally, at least until we know who it is.

Well, this was the second time I've written comedy, and the second time it's failed to clear the prelims. I think this one was better than my first attempt, but it seems it's just not among my stronger areas.

Oh well. Good experience, anyway.

It flows beautifully. Fluid, clever, and breathtaking. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said for this poem.

I was so sure it was Discord until the end.

While the concept is something that gets done time and time again, seeing this come almost two years after the finale it's based on is actually a sort of pleasant look into the past. And honestly, the characters are really strong here. This is a good short character snippet that with a little extra padding would be wonderful to see on the site. I guess I am just a sucker for both Starlight and Discord, but it felt real. They worked off each other very well here.

So yes: a little bit of padding, a little expansion, and you'll definitely be getting another read and a fave and an upvote from me when it hits FimFic.

>>Bremen
There's a pearl??

wow

I just figured in a pony movie there'd be some magic macguffin, and it was underwater, so

this one is too beautiful. unfortunately.
to be honest, I feel exhausted reading it. it's very impressive how consistently this keeps up the pattern in the stanzas, but there's so much of it that I feel distracted, looking for the next clever wordplay in the 2nd line or the new use of "heavy stone" in the 4th. I'm so aware of the form that I can't get immersed in the content at all, and whatever imagery or emotions or story just fly over my head. kinda similar to how I couldn't get into "Lu Drmgvi..." even though this one is much less gimmicky.

I'm a poetry idiot so this opinion is probably useless. but I'm not trying to be contrarian, I would've liked to enjoy this like everyone else appears to be doing.

>>Pascoite
Oh, that's beautiful.

I also have #420, which was the other number I considered when I first made my name.

>>RawCringe

What a fascinating interpretation! Thank you. You win the RAWCRINGE AWARD! You are the rawest cringe! (yay.)

>>regidar
>>Dolfeus Doseux
>>Bremen
>>thisisalongname

Thank you all for the feedback.

So first off, "floated" was...a terrible choice of words for that last scene. 3:00 PM Friday Willow knows this. 3:00 AM Sunday Willow was not in her right mind. Up to that point I was trying to convey that Pinkie at least might believe Shea was a ghost, and everything after should have indicated she was not. Shea is a real living person, a human like Pinkie. This weird, obtuse story seemed like a better fit for the human world for several reasons, but my capacity to be wrong is without bounds. I thought about reasons against it too, and I'd be interested to hear other opinions.

At first this was going to be a ghost story played straight. Pinkie meets a ghost girl and helps her move on. I couldn't work out exactly how to tell that story. I thought of having Pinkie prove that a grisly campus urban legend was really just an accident obscured by a prank. Or that someone believed to have killed herself didn't. Maybe one of those stories would have been better, but they felt just a little too raw for me at this time. Death is definitely informing my writing of late, and I am sorry if the specifics of this story caused anyone else pain.

>>thisisalongname

I had to reread the intro five times to figure out if Pinkie had tears out of hidden pain or from laughter, and I still am not sure as going under a bridge just to laugh because others shush you sounds very sad and the signs of a mental disorder.

That's fairly accurate, actually (though, aside, she's up on a ridge as opposed to under a bridge.)

The core of this story really is about mental illness, and trauma, and survivor's guilt. They do say you should write what you know, but I guess that doesn't translate easily to humanized pastel ponies. It can translate *well,* I know, because I've seen plenty of authors do it here. I continue to be too ambitious for my ponytailed britches. After about 500 words I realized I wasn't going to do justice to the story I was trying to tell. Maybe with more words, but maybe not. There's a lot of information I failed to provide here, and I wish I'd fit more of it in, though I don't know how much it would have helped.

Pinkie Pie is a freshman at Canterlot High. It's her first year in public school after being homeschooled with her sisters. Pinkie Pie has panic attacks. She's also an extreme version of what some call an empath, the manifestation of her magic in this world. She is hypersensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around her, often overwhelmingly so. She feels responsible for them and has trouble sorting out other people's feelings from her own, which are more than enough to manage. High school is a challenge.

So yeah, sometimes she goes up on a mountain ridge and laughs and screams and cries. It's an emotional release removed from other people she'd otherwise worry about disturbing or being judged by. Or just worry about, like always. For Pinkie Pie, I imagined this playing out as unrestrained laughter at all the absurdity of the world, which she can't quite separate from the underlying sadness.

And then: panic attack! Out of nowhere, 'cause that's how they roll. But her panic here comes with emotional baggage. Some is her own unaddressed pain, but the rest is a powerful grief from someone nearby. There's not really anything supernatural about it, just Pinkie's preternatural empathy, but she doesn't know that. It just makes it easier for her to sympathize and go along with Shea's story. Her "angst" was intended to be a significant factor.

Shea gave me even more trouble, obviously. I realize her tale is implausible to say the least. I hoped it wasn't entirely beyond the suspension of disbelief. Maybe with a better execution. Shea and her friend Amaranth went up the ridge a few days earlier. The ledge they were standing on gave way. Shea got away and Amaranth didn't--I'm thinking they were holding hands until Amaranth began to fall. Shea could let go or fall too, but never had a chance to save her friend. She still thinks it's her fault.

Shea is very much an unreliable narrator, of course. Maybe too much. I didn't delve far into her history, but she wasn't entirely stable even before the accident. Afterward, she has PTSD with extreme dissociation and delusion. She describes going through her version of the accident over and over, because that's what she's been doing. It's easier for her to construct and believe a different story than to face the truth. So she's been "haunting" the ridge. She looks thin and pale because she hasn't had anything to eat or drink and is pretty near death her ownself.

...And when the explanation starts getting longer than the story, you know it probably wasn't right for a minific. I can't say I regret writing this, because I need all the practice I can get. Still, I almost gave up on writing anything around midnight Saturday, and even after posting I almost deleted it when I realized what I had wrought. But so it goes. Thanks again for your reading and responses, and for this opportunity.

>>Pascoite

Out of curiosity, I did a word search through Blueshift's five longest stories, The Star in Yellow, The Legend of Star Swirl the Bearded, Cake Story, Life is a Lemon (which still gives me chills) and Rise, his excellent Outside Insight contest entry.

He used the word 'While' 38 times in those five stories. He used the word 'Whilst' 5.

I guess, based on those five, that it's not an unreasonable word to use. I would never call Blueshift's choice of language unreasonable. I am, however, calling the language in this story unnecessarily florid and stilted. 'Whilst' was just one example.

>>Cassius You're right, Cold is wrong. I swear, people draw the most weird conclusions from simple (and emotional) stories. This one is awesome. And creepy. And still awesome. Parasites. Ick!

>>regidar
>>Not_A_Hat
>>PaulAsaran
>>moonwhisper
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Bremen

I was originally going to title this one “No Good Deed” and leave the “Goes Unpunished” as unspoken, but over the last few years, I’ve learned not to be vague on my implications, because somebody always winds up not getting it.

I have to admit, the rough bones of this one were setup ten to twenty years ago, and framed out last writeoff, but I took the blank sheet approach and started from scratch. Zircon is a human character I played in GURPS twenty years ago and counting, who I like to describe as a little bit of a human cockroach. He’s a mage with a few scattered spells, some skills for evasion, and almost no offensive abilities at all, other than paranoia. Translating him to a unicorn was trivial. Setting the scene, a little harder.

Here we have a character who has just survived being attacked in the mountains right before a storm is blowing in. He finds a cave, stocks it for the few days he’s going to be stuck there, and during the settling in portion of his isolation, finds three fox-like creatures. Since it is no skin off his nose, and he has the spell, he heals the one creature’s broken leg and settles in for a long, peaceful rest.

Then Mama Yeti shows up. And she does not appreciate having some intruder playing with her children.

Cue Zircon’s rapid exit into the howling blizzard.

I plan on expanding this to go on Fimfiction with a brief section where Zircon is stumbling through the driven snow, freezing to death, until he loses consciousness and falls over...only to wake up snuggled in warm, long fur with Mama and the babies, with Mama not exactly happy at him, but he fixed baby#3’s leg, so she’s returning the favor. However, once the storm is over, out he goes.


Anyway, questions:

regidar: Yes, Zircon was a lot of fun to play in GURPS and to write. I like my heroes to have a back door, and to use it when the bad guys attack.

not_a_hat: Oh, come on. It’s a pony round. You’re overthinking it.

PaulAsaran: Yes.

moonwhisper: Of course, it’s slower when it starts, otherwise you get dropped into action so quick you have no idea what’s going on. Incrementalism is an important tool in a writer’s approach. It starts with the cockroach meme, to imply how hard something is to kill. Transitions to Zircon, who has just killed somepony sent to kill him. (an off-screen Worf Effect) A return to a reference of the former assassin, just in case the reader didn’t catch the first one. A false start with the unnamed little creatures (because calling them Yeti at this stage would blunt the Reveal), the tearjerker when one of the creatures is shown to have a broken leg, a ‘daww’ when he can fix it with spell and a disposable splint for support, then just when it looks like our protagonist can sit back and play with the fuzzy critters… Mama makes her entrance, pratfall style. And the bookend is complete, as Zircon darts away with something/one/pony who wants to kill him behind.

Think of Harry Potter. You’re introduced to him as a child in the cupboard under the stairs. He gets a developed character, with oddities one at a time, until the letter, and the panicked trip, and Hagrid… See?

ColdInGardz - Yeah, me too. I think the cockroach thing threw too many people at the very beginning. And somehow, the thought of a parasite did not on a very bug-related story also in the writeoff. I swear, everybody overthinks so much. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

Breman - Someday, I’ll write a story so deep and so thoughtful that even I won’t know what it’s all about, instead of all this fun stuff about alicorn eggs and stuff. :)

If only there were hot ashes, we’d know why they sold the trees. As for Big Mac, he traded a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage.

Being not quite sure of the narrator (I agree with the general consensus of Starlight or Twilight, and I lean towards Twilight? I think?) causes serious problems with this, as it does, in little ways, change the nature of the narrator's relationship with Trixie and how the lines on the page are read.

The format here doesn't really add anything and I think, in places, actually detracts as the flow ends up pointlessly stilted. This is not to say you can't have good stilting, just that this stilting doesn't actually seem to happen in a particularly meaningful way.

>>georg
Nah, I don't think so. Without that 'Zircon was not a bug' bit, I'd be firmly convinced this was about a changeling.

This was pretty good. Hindsight makes me wonder what they were thinking, though; if the Ice Giants were obviously staying just outside the border, and they knew they Crystaling would expand the border, then even without knowing the expansion would kill them, sending Sunburst to negotiate just as the border expanded seems a bit... like strong-arm tactics at best, and throwing your negotiator into a pinch at worst. The story still worked for me, but in hindsight, that seems like the sort of thing Shining or Cadence should have taken into account, unless they had no choice in the matter. I dunno. Maybe the Ice Giants were closer than they'd thought?

The twist is well set-up in text, though, and it has a good impact. It wasn't until I was done reading that I wondered about that.

This must have been an absolute bear to write.

I liked it, but the continual wordplay and variation on 'stone' made the cognitive load while reading rather heavy. The first time I looked at this, I was too tired, and gave up halfway through. The second time, I did finish it, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to rank it.

For me, meter in poetry is something that enhances flow. It pulls me into the words, helps me move smoothly from one to another, draws me deeper into the feel and imagery. Here, there's a huge reliance on textual tricks, with nearly every stanza having a doubled pair with split meanings. While that's cool, it kept jarring me out of the flow, because I had to take a second to process the difference between the 'sound' and the 'look' of the words.

The same with the heavy stone refrain; while it's nice, it kinda broke the meaning of a refrain for me; instead of being a simple anchoring repetition, like Poe's 'Nevermore', it had a different twist every time, and I couldn't just let it sink in; as such, I didn't feel like it built up the same sort of weight. Maybe putting 'heavy stone' on it's own line each time would have helped with that?

This is masterfully crafted, and I did enjoy it. The poetry aspect adds weight to what would otherwise be a fairly simple narrative idea, but the quirks made it difficult for me to digest.

The dialogue here felt kinda stilted to me. Not sure exactly why, but yeah. There's a few oddly placed spaces in here, like quotation marks standing off on their own. Also, Trixie drops her trademark third person, which might make sense if that's how she normally talks to her grandma, but it had me wondering.

The emotional arc here is pretty nice, but I wish there was a bit more emphasis on what her grandma actually meant to Trixie. She clearly means a lot, or she wouldn't be here, and that promise at the end suggests some backstory between them, but I wish it was a bit clearer; it might make Trixie's conflict - to keep up a facade or to be genuine - come across more clearly, because I'd like a better idea of what the emotional stakes are, I think.

I think you could use some sort of a hook here.

I liked this a lot! There are some great ideas on display, and the story unfolded a smooth and satisfying pace. The ending was an excellent clincher; although I guessed this was Spike from the beginning, I liked the added depth given by showing his motivations and changed character.

My problem, I think, is that I'm not entirely sure when this was supposed to have happened. My first thought was that it was some sort of alternate timeline from the show's opening; but the fact that he knows who Luna is seems to offset that somewhat. I think you've done really well with exploring the effect here, but I'd like a slightly better hint as to what the cause was.

All in all, that's fairly minor, though.

I'll say the description, especially in the first paragraph, was a bit clunky to me as well. I have a hard time imagining an ice fragment being a lurching echo - physical motion, for a sound, describing a static piece of ice. Statuesque was a bit strange as well, since the implications there don't suggest protection from cold, but it's presented before the suits, which seem to be what's actually helping them out.

There's a lot of good stuff here, and only a few fairly minor things holding it back, IMO.

So, for all the comments this story has generated, I guess I should toss in how it actually makes me feel.

I don't want to get carried away in the dueling interpretations, as I don't think it was the author's intention to have two valid views on what's happening -- and even if it was, I'm not sure what the point would be. If you want to generate controversy with your story, it should be controversy based on whether or not people agree/disagree with the ideas your story is postulating. But we're arguing because we don't even agree on what's happening in the story. There's an unreliable narrator, sure, and that's great, but even an unreliable narrator could be a little bit more clear about wtf is happening with his sides. It's not that we can't agree because the unreliable narrator isn't sure -- we can't agree because the unreliable narrator just tell us enough.

A lot of the creepiness is lost on me simply because of what I think are some questionable names -- Winky and Blinky? Really? Why, author? Why?

Anyway, that aside, this story has a great voice. Considering how little space there was to work with, I think the author did a great job on an unsettling narrative. The whole debate over the interpretation is secondary to me and doesn't affect my score either way.

This has a pretty good emotional arc, but it's kinda undermined by Tank not actually, you know, being dead. It ends up feeling pretty melodramatic.

I also spent a while wondering why Rainbow wasn't flying. She can hold things in her hooves and fly, right? Surely it would be better than trudging through the snow?

I want to like this more than I do, I think. The idea is good, but the execution just seems jumbled, even if the presentation is clean and neat.

I did like your characterization of Rainbow. Even without seeing her name, I quickly caught on to who this was.

It's a nitpick, but... I'm pretty sure the night sky looks blacker than eigengrau, because the whole point of the idea is that it's in the absence of other light that our eyes can't discern blackness, precisely because of a lack of contrast.

I spent the whole fic wondering who had died. At the end, I realized it didn't really matter to the story. I'm not sure if there's a way to make that clearer at the opening; I'm glad this wasn't a simple tragedy reveal, but I did find the curiosity a little distracting.

I liked the dialogue here; it feels complex and organic, especially in the last third or so.

The description of Luna's appearing made me think "I'm Batman." :P

This really boils down to a change/stasis conflict, but it doesn't really preach one side or the other. Even as someone who tends towards 'change is good', the death of a friend isn't something I'd let go without some grief. I liked that it dwelt in the moment there, and I think the fic is stronger for it.

Very nice overall.

I don't care about rhyme patterns and how does it fit in the poetry vs prose debate.
I really enjoyed this story. It first shows classic Halloween tropes and then twists them when introducing Discord. And I loved the cartoonish way Discord's sickness and cure was described, since it made it feel in line with the show's tone, which is not easy to do when writing fics.

Oooh, me likey. Strong voice, great imagery. I don't feel the need to know who the narrator is, but I can see how a lot of people would be bothered by the question. Still a great read.

I expected this to be Celestia whining because she got a grey streak and, oh my Goddes, I'm getting old! Which would have been stupid, but perhaps amusing.

Now, I like the 'idea' behind this story. but like so many of the others, I think the introduction could have been tweaked a bit to properly prepare us for what is coming. More importantly, I feel as though the dialogue could use a lot of work. Everything just... happens, and it feels like it's developing far too quickly. Perhaps a shift in setting – or, more to the point, the addition of any setting at all – with the second half would also be appropriate. The first part gives us the illusion of an amusing atmosphere, and the second part makes no effort to change that.

I'm not all that interested in poetry pieces, and even I think this is wonderful. It does feel a little long, as some have noted before, but the wordplay involved is so good I'm not inclined to care. I'm not so fond of the notes at the end, but I suppose they do their job.

This might have been worthwhile if it didn't come with the direct implication that Sunset Shimmer somehow managed to conquer Equestria using a scheme involving brainwashed teenagers and a single Element. I'm sorry, but I just can't buy that, and as such the entire story is devastatingly tainted in my eyes. Had you bothered to show how a scheme so blatantly flawed could have succeeded – a backup plan, or a secret methodology perhaps – then I might be more forgiving. But as it is, everything comes out as weak and false, because the premise itself seems weak and false.

In your defense, this problem has almost everything to do with my headcanon.

I must also echo >>Bachiavellian's point. Sunset made it clear that she's "not a monster" in the first EQG movie, and yet here she's shown gleefully boasting about murder. While it can be argued that her corrupted form might have changed her on a mental level, there's no evidence of this, and as such we are left with plenty of room for doubt. The end result is that Sunset isn't Sunset, and that's a hard thing to accept outright.

Well. That was at once amusing and disturbing. But overall, pretty good. But I agree with >>AndrewRogue that the disinterested nature of Twilight when she's awake suggests that the ending isn't as serious as it seems, and the last line can either be taken as the author desperately trying to be profound and not pulling it off or a clue that nobody is ever going to get without proper explanation. Maybe both.

Strange. It's a bit of worldbuilding that lacks the right context to let it stick the landing. All this stuff that happens when somepony dies, and yet there's no effort to make sense of it.

On the one hand, this is loaded to the brim with the Weird, which would normally make it right up my alley. But for once the questions feel more like a deterrent. This is a very peculiar system that, from what we're seeing, has no basis or reason to exist. Maybe my hesitation comes from the fact that I spent most of my developing years working at a cemetery, and as such the lack of them in any form confounds my sense of logic?

All of that being said, this does a decent job with atmosphere, setting and emotion, and so it'll still land in the upper-middle of my slate.

Pretty good. I was momentarily reminded of the events in Cynewulf's The Night is Passing. Although I question why the giants didn't bother to say anything in all this time, or why Shining and Cadance would continue with the Crystalling when it's abundantly clear that the expansion of the empire's borders is what caught the giant's attention in the first place. And that ending line feels more 'slapped on' than anything.

Still, overall a pretty good story. Definitely one of the better ones for this round.

I got the same result as >>Orbiting_kettle did, and overall I liked it. there's a lot that can be done with this, so much so that the idea deserves the proper novel treatment more than any other I've read in this writeoff.

But, I find it hard to believe that Twilight wouldn't suspect her actions would power up the Wendigo. I also don't understand how the hate would be any more powerful because an alicorn feels it. It's not like being an alicorn makes Twilight's hate stronger. If you'd tried to sell it as Twilight having absolute hatred in her heart, unlinked to who and what she is, then I might have bought it.

I'm also seriously questioning how what appears to be a fully grown Spike would be able to engage in any sort of affair with Rarity. That some crazy derpibooru clop stuff, that. Maybe if the nature of the affair had been clarified, but if it was anything tame then I find Twilight's hatred uncharacteristically overblown.

I gotta say, the most impressive part about this story was the laugh I got from the "not-spiky trees". The story was cute, but it wasn't really overly impactful. All I can imagine is another scene right after the story ends with Rainbow going "wow, screw this" and flying back inside for the reasons >>PaulAsaran mentioned.

This story was superbly written. I feel like a lot of the issues with it stem from the fact that it was forced to become a minific. I'm not saying this should become an epic—but like a decent number of other fics I really liked this round, this one could benefit from some minor tweaking and added context that would push it to just over a thousand words to make it something incredible.

Great job with this one.

This is a lovely story, Writer. Octavia and Vinyl both are well-voiced and feel true to their fanon interpretations. Octavia’s plight is relatable, and I can easily see the combination of stressors on her leading her to entertain the thoughts that she does.

Like >>Not_A_Hat, I think that if you were to expand this for Fimfiction, I’d like to see a bit more of the conversation that lasts long into the night, and maybe a bit more on how Octavia found herself in the situation she’s in. I don’t think the lack of these elements detracts from the story as it's presented here, though.

Final Thought: I love the concept of ghost-as-air-conditioning.

I suppose I should get to replying then, right?

>>thisisalongname
Alright, so... I wanted Twilight to be running from something, but I wasn't sure what while writing. Will work on that. Also, I'm totally taking the gratuity approach when I rewrite this. Thank you.

>>Bachiavellian
I did not mean it to be a comedy, no. Which is something I really have to work on. The one thing I can do is weird-comedy, and this was one attempt to get into other tones. So, basically, thank you for helping me see why this one failed.

>>Pascoite
I seem to be talking to you a lot recently. Anyway, this one kinda relates to the first comment. Criticism of Twilight was not the best approach to my message. Thanks, mate. (As a side-note, I do not believe you when you say there are typos. I ran this through, like, 8 times).

>>moonwhisper
Also kinda relates to the first comment. Thank you for even more ideas on how to fix it :twilightsmile:

>>regidar
I was not sure what to put for an excuse there. So, I did something. I'll work on that when I rewrite. Thank you very kindly.

>>MLPmatthewl419
shall we?.
-extraneous punctuation
he lips pursed
-typo
if you could everypony as a friend
-typo
10
2
-preferred to spell those out
There are a few comma splices as well, but they're in dialogue, so YMMV.

“‘Maybe I’ll cry some more tomorrow,’ Twilight admitted, ‘but for the rest of tonight… I really don’t know what I feel.’

‘Aye,’ said the Night Princess. And that was all.”

Damn, do I love this story.

The moment I’ve quoted above is the first of several excellent exchanges between Twilight and Princess Luna. Luna’s simple response is a quiet acknowledgement of how inadequate words and platitudes can be in the face of loss. Twilight is given the space she needs to form her next thoughts and start us on the track to the rest of the story, and it’s genius having Twilight’s comments be on something directly related to Luna’s purview. Luna can speak with authority on why the sky appears as it does as well as share a story that shows that Twilight isn’t alone in her feeling this way, however sad that story may be. Here we see the strength that words can have, too, as shown by Twilight’s recognizing that she is, on some level, glad to have heard them.

The only critique I have is the line “What can she say to Luna?” I think “could” fits better here to maintain past tense, but it feels like that would still leave a missing element to the sentence. Are the words Twilight is fishing for in response to what Luna just said going to be sympathetic? Angry retaliation? Twilight is obviously upset, but it’s not clear whether she’s angry, sad, overwhelmed, or some combination of those factors. But this is a minor point in an otherwise flawless story.

Make no mistake, Writer - this story is beautiful, and poignant, and possessed of an understanding of grief that I don’t see displayed very often. I’m sincerely glad to have read it. Thank you for sharing this.

Final Though: Apparently only one of my monitors is rendering the difference between black and eigengrau. I have some tinkering to do...

>>Pascoite
N-none of those count....

And actually, the number 10 is not spelled out. Neither is anything above 10. For 2, I was talking about time. Pretty sure time is a number, not a word.

(actually, though, thank mate!)

I'm reduced to nitpicks:

Together, the two of them pondered the sleeping heavens. The minutes felt like hours during their passage, but after they were spent, it was as if only the shortest of moments had passed. Then Twilight spoke.

This feels like it's breaking away from the tight third-person limited that keeps your emotions intense. You've got the abstract "felt" and passive voice of "had passed" rather than the direct Twilight head-space of comments like "There were very few words that Twilight saying disliked more". Instead, I'd double down on your Twilight focus, which serves the rest of your story well.

“Has Celestia ever told you about Star Swirl's last night alive?” she asked. When Twilight shook her head, Luna continued. “When I raised the moon, Star Swirl was there. He jumped high and congratulated a little filly for a job well done. With him and my sister at my side, endless possibilities awaited us ..."

Without the 750-word curse, I suggest adding some silence in between query and declaration, to make clear that Luna's talking about context before directly answering the question.

I definitely appreciate that this never answered the question of who died; it leaves a pony-shaped gap in the story that perfectly complements the subject matter. I do wish I hadn't spent so much of the story trying to figure out the identity of the deceased, because that background analysis drew me away from the core emotion, but I'm not sure how best to signpost that that's not a thing the reader should be concerned with (and dropping a name just to get the question out of the way would lose something important, I think).

Otherwise, very solidly done.

Tier: Top Contender

Alright, time to see what all the fuss is about.

*reads story*

*reads Cassius’ disclaimer in first comment*

*stops reading comments to write comment*

Fair warning, I’m dispensing with the spoiler tags, if for no other reason than I’m probably the last one to actually read this story. ^^

So… Blinky’s mom had an affair with a changeling, I guess? That’s the most optimistic way to read this, anyways, as weird as that would be for it to be consensual. The alternatives are far darker, but don’t explain the absence of the father very well. Unless the father is just a dick, which does happen, sadly.

I initially thought Winky and Blinky were nods to the ghosts in Pac-Man, but that’s Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde. Oh well.

I like the subtle detail that his mom lost her job at the Diner because she wouldn’t leave his side for three days while he was unconscious. That paints a pretty grim outlook on life in Cloudsdale, but it’s in keeping with the comment on having to settle for the cheap, waiting list variety of health care. I dig the bleak consistency here.

This was a neat body horror story, Writer. Very vivid descriptions when it comes to him, ah, scratching his itch.

Alright, let’s see what everyone else has to say.

*reads comments*

… hmm.

While I agree with >>Cassius that the mutant/unknown parasite angle makes for a more novel story, I have to side with >>Cold in Gardez on this one. Don’t changelings have a beetle-like shell bit to protect their wings? That’s pretty clearly described in the fourth-to-last paragraph, along with the translucent green wing bit.

I like >>Pascoite’s ideas regarding the possible parentage iterations for Blinky. I personally like the version where the dad got replaced sometime after Winky got conceived, and then the changeling bailed when he realized he might be outed. That’s just me, though.

I find >>Ranmilia’s interpretation particularly interesting, if this winds up being your actual intent, Writer. I also liked >>Ion-Sturm’s thoughts on why Blinky is losing weight.

I guess there’s not much more to say than that until the big reveal. I certainly hope you deign to give this piece a retrospective, Writer. It’d be neat to see what you have to say.

Final Thought: Pro Tip, don’t Google the title right before eating dinner. Bleh. -_-

>>MLPmatthewl419
Depends on the guideline. I've seen the threshold set at 100 and 1000 as well. I tend to use 100. But for that matter, "ten" is such a short word anyway. And it isn't unusual to see times expressed as words. Otherwise, you might as well just write it as 2:00.

What to say about the story that's already been covered extensively?

I 'unno. CiG's read feels like the better fit (though it does leave the title feeling a bit off and out of place).

Story itself... egh... not a fan of body horror, really. Writing quality is fine and structure is generally fine, though the odd ambiguity with what is happening with his body ends up feeling far more frustrating than horrifying, as I end up trying to sort of work around the descriptions given rather than fully being able to get into the mindset of horrific and gross.

I dunno. I'm left kind of feeling unsatisfied at the end of this story, and I'm having trouble articulating why. I might revisit this commentary later and hope my brain is better.

Poetry had never particularly interested me, but I certainly recognize the care and craft put into this. I started over again after going about a quarter of the way through and read it out loud, as I thought it would be best enjoyed like that. While it did not touch my cold heart (which, despite what some may think, is not in fact made of stone), it was nevertheless an original, expertly sculpted story told in a very demanding format.

My only complaint would be the "She wouldn't say why" line. In a work that has otherwise largely told its story through inference and wordplay, this was more blunt than a rock to the head. Personally, I would structure it as a series of office forms. When something was done, by whom it was done, what was done, and why it was done. However, that is probably a little too rigid for most others (and is also almost certainly not the best option).

Up you go.

I was honestly expecting a punchline the whole way through.

Expectations are important. This is not to say that you can't do impactful things with misleading lead-ins or that you should always just lay it all out at the beginning, but it is important to know that the only thing the reader has to go on is what you give them, and changing tacts abruptly risks losing the audience. And here I don't think the gain is worthwhile. Celestia is obviously concerned, and it turns out that that concern is SRS. Faking us out on that really adds nothing to the reader experience, because it isn't actually "new" information, as it were.

>>Ion-Sturm got it more or less. Cut to the action on this and focus on the emotional arcing and payoffs.

Nice little story that fits well into the wordcount. My main complaint is that it feels a little at odds with the established arc of Starlight and an excess of clarification (meaning where you repeat identifiers like 'she' even though it's obvious to the reader that character focus hasn't changed). It's not so much a 'wrong' thing as it is an optimization for flow, mind you, just a pet peeve of mine.

in a normal story, you'd share some of Twilight's memories with the deceased so we can empathize with her. by not even giving us a name, we can't even sympathize with her.

since the whole point of the story is about inexplicable numbness, this is perfect. It's the exact opposite of how you're expected to write this type of story, but it really works because we can't even latch on to their grief and share it. they're past shock, and there's no sorrow left to pour out, so we get none either. both Twilight and Luna feel distant and missing, emotionally. and being economical for a minific's word limit is a bonus too.

(I'll make a blind wild guess: Celestia died, because of the silver/gold trim on the dress. but it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, because this isn't a mystery to solve. if the fic outright said it was Celestia, you'd be too busy thinking about how/why/when Celestia died and not focusing on the present mood, wouldn't you?)

that said, I still can't enjoy this fic very much, similar to how some others felt. if it's not the missing context, then maybe there's another reason.

in my case, it might be personal bias. the first half of this is nice, but the second half feels like it falls into a familiar pattern, where a conversation happens, one character imparts some wisdom down to the other, the recipient listens and becomes wiser. to me these feel like author mouthpieces instead of stories. I'm not saying, "conversashunz R dum," but that if this was an action scene instead, it'd be a one-sided battle where the heroine wins because she's stronger and always wins.

stories can still get away with a little preachiness. this is beautifully written, but I think that's what's making it stand out more. the first half is all about making us feel the cold and numb atmosphere between Twilight and Luna, all by denying sympathy. but since we're not in either of their shoes, it's even harder to relate to Luna's words and let them affect us. the speech tries to be grand and cosmic, but it feels hollow to me. I don't think it properly fits within the poignant empty space constructed by the story's beginning.

Despite how much I find to admire about this story on a technical level, I feel like it took the ball and shot it in the wrong goal.

I don't really feel the 'seriousness' that others are claiming to have found. It feels more surreal than serious, which works fine with the more humorous elements in the story. Overall, clever idea and execution of it. Could make for a fun short series with Nightmare bedding each princess.

I think you went one paragraph too long. Ending on the silence was a lot stronger

There is an inherent disadvantage to using major characters in this sort of story, as you are going to get a notable amount of distraction with people speculating who it is that died, which does, unfortunately, interfere with the core narrative thematics you are going for, as people get distracted by that.

To that end though, your options are kinda limited. Theoretically something like this might work better with OCs or background characters in fanfic, because then people don't care about the "who was it who died" question. You might avert with it the death being of a less important character (e.g. one of Twilight's parents or such, someone who has relatively little fandom care). Of you can just stick it in the air and hope not too many people focus on it.

I can't decide if the lack of context is a flaw or a strong point. For me, it's really great that the implicit death is not explicitly told, just hinted very subtly. Maybe too much subtly, though. I'm with Haze here, I'm convinced it's Celestia who died If my interpretation is correct, then an extra small hint wouldn't have hurt.

If instead I'm wrong, then... does it actually matter who died? We have a sense of loss and we assume it was someone important to Twilight. Luna's words don't have any less emotional impact. If it's revealed that it's Donut Joe or somepony less important, though, it does affect the story.

Either way, there's some kind of beauty in leaving the death / tragic event as an implicit background event.

Loved it. Top tier.

This story just begs to be expanded into a longer fic. Both because it deserves it (the setting looks cool) and because it needs it (there are just too many questions that need to be answered and points that need to be developed)

I too didn't feel horror or dread as I was reading this story, and yet I appreciated it as it showed an admirable dedication to preserving a strictly limited PoV. Instead, we get the version of The Fall as seen from the inside, experiencing it without feeling anything wrong with the process. This leads, IMHO, to a great moment of Fridge Horror once the story is finished and we have time to reconsider it. If I had to make a suggestion, I would work a bit on the second to last section, adding some hints of wrongness to the new quill.

The writing itself is rock solid, and the conclusion is apt for this kind of story, so thumbs up.

Thank you for the submission.

The idea is very cliche, but it does use elements within the universe, so that does make it a little bit better. The cockatrice freezing is a great way to sort of squeeze around the coma thing, and it works fairly well.

It is well-written, but the idea of the story isn't that original.

Really cute story, with enough suspense to keep you wondering why the hell RD is braving a massive blizzard.

If they were selling the farm for the war, wouldn't it be a better idea to just let Applejack run it anyways? If the goal is to produce apples for the war effort, I feel AJ could do a much better job than whatever team Flim and Flam could throw together.

I enjoyed this a lot. It is very well written and fits fantastically inside the 750 word limit. It's nice to know that Luna is listening, even while still imprisoned on the moon.

Definitely going near the top of my slate.

In the sequel, Vinyl gets therapy for her delusion, and decides she does have something to live for. :)

Bad news, Discord. Those are suppositories.

>>georg
But Professor Farnsworth said suppositories were good news.

「Made in Heaven」

It was a bit slow to start but after all was said and done it ended up being a very entertaining read. Straightforward and fun. Definitely fits the mood of the month; the rhymes gave me a smirk now and then and they they were this silly kind of spooky that contributed to how fun it was overall. Could easily see this being a scene from an episode (and obviously the inspirations from certain episodes haven’t been lost on me)

I had a feeling where this was going, and you gave me oh so much more~

Loved it for the same reasons I loved Marginalia, minus the comedy bits as this story lacks them. It reads very well, and the strangeness and subtle horror and the implications all tie together very nicely.

I'm really happy that this ranked so high; it shot to the top of my slate as soon as I read it. It's neither the most complex nor the most ambitious piece that I read this round, but it gave me such a cozy, nostalgic feeling (and it's so indelibly Fluttershy) that I couldn't help falling in love with it.

Thanks, Haze, and congratulations.

Two poetry medalists in one round? That's crazy-talk! :pinkiegasp: Congrats to our winners, all very well-deserved!

I'll throw up some thoughts on my own story when I get back from work, so see you all in nine or ten hours. :P

Congratulations to the medalists!
Even if I hadn't time to comment them, I adored them all.

This was, all in all, a pretty solid round. My compliments to all the participants.

Gratz to CiG for taking home the gold!

>>RogerDodger
Can you point me to where the rules are listed? I've clicked all over the site and don't see them anywhere, so I must be missing something obvious.

>>Pascoite

They're actually one of the option buttons for each event. Kind of odd placement, but I suppose it's in case a new event has a new rule set.

Current rules for this round: https://writeoff.me/event/76-Cold-Comfort/rules

>>Bremen
>>Fenton
>>Haze
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>moonwhisper
>>regidar
>>AndrewRogue

Thanks guys, for all the reviews.

I am surprised at the decent response, never expected this story to perform that well since, as others noted above, it's a take on the 'Celestia Immortal' type of thing that is more than worn out in the fandom. Especially with a lot of them being 'woe is me'.

I'd just finished writing Sanitation and realized, "this is hot garbage," and the idea just suddenly popped into my mind. All the scenes were there and I was almost feverish in writing it, which is probably the reason for the spelling mistakes pointed out above.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I intended the story to be angsty or not. I wrote it intentionally with the whole universe starting over, and these elements are being set in stone in Celestia's life. It really didn't cross my mind much. I was trying to show that Celestia appreciates all the time she spends with her students, even in the most boring and mundane of matters, because this amount of time is such a small, finite amount in comparison to the rest of her existence. Regardless of if that makes all the rest of her being alive worth it for Celestia, I never really decided upon that.

I was originally going to have the entire thing repeat, with all of existence reforming and basically being the same, but changed it last minute to have small differences, enough for readers to realize that things were slightly off-center now. I played with the idea of even having someone else other than Twilight be the student, but figured that would have been too far of a jump into a new reality, and just maintained some small changes, such as her hair and the different throne room guard.

If I had more words, I'm almost sure it would have strayed into angst territory, and I was initially planning on having a scene a little bit into the future to break up the jarring shift to Celestia drifting in space, but the room wasn't there to expand.

Overall, I'm glad you guys took the time to read and review the story, and thanks for pointing out the shortcomings. It's always nice to have feedback to improve your work on.

You're all wrong. Only Exuno got it: Blinky is turning into a draconequus, and it's all a metaphor for homosexuality and being accepted by your family. Oh, and Blinky's dad disappears because he was a ghost and secretly dead the whole time. Gosh, the subtext is really clear here, I don't know how anyone missed it.

...

No, but Cassius's interpretation is probably closest to correct. The genesis of the idea was thinking about a parasite that replaced body parts, and then how maybe that gives someone certain body parts they always really wanted... And whether that itself would be a kind of 'cold comfort.' Blinky was just the first name I thought of for a pony when I started typing. Actually a lot of this wasn't wholly planned but rather came together as I put words down. So he got a sister named Winky and then I forgot to actually do anything with her. (I would argue that I do actually like the cutesy names though, because they clash with the tone) The Jeffersons reference was dumb and just something I threw in out of a habit of making dumb semi-obscure references... Sorry, Ran!

I realized upon writing this that changeling would be the natural alternate interpretation (and I had visualized the wings as like those of roaches, which further cements the comparison) but I also thought the story's title would give away the intention clearer than it did. In my mind, this draws a contrast with Monsters, another horror minific I did a long time ago--there's a lesson here about being aware of your setting's mythology and using it purposefully you to aid in your story's interpretation, rather than get in the way and confuse things (though rereading it, I'd probably write that story differently today too). Regardless, I found the diversity of interpretations to be an unexpected benefit, and felt the ambiguity worked in the story's favor. It's always a little creepier when you never know exactly what bad thing is going on, but are certain there's something not right.

Thank you all for the many, many comments and discussions.

>>regidar
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>Haze
>>PaulAsaran
>>horizon
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Moosetasm
>>Whitbane


*DWK intro music*
Okay, so:
The story happens during the alternate timeline with the war against Sombra and the Crystal Empire. Applejack has to sell a large part of Sweet Apple Acres because the war needs an industrialised food production. Thus, Flim and Flam are here to buy the right to use the orchard for the production line.
Obviously, Applejack is reluctant to sell the land that has been in the family since Granny's youth, but, she knows that if Sombra wins, there won't be any future for her family and Sweet Apple Acre. Moreover, and I was playing around the trope that the Apples are poor, the money will help pay for Apple Bloom future.


I didn't bluntly state what was happening because, one, it's minific and every word counts, two, I hate when authors think I'm stupid, giving me everything without letting me figuring things out, and three, the exposition train is something I try to avoid.

And yes, this fic is heavily inspired by Pink Floyd's song.
>>Moosetasm
The hot ashes are what will remain once the war would be over, when AJ would buy their share to Flim and Flam.

>>horizon
Because of the song, and because I wanted to try rhyming verses. :insertmemefacehere:

Anyway, thank you for your comments and for making my entry to the finals.
Take care and be safe.

First off, congratulations to Cold in Gardez, Haze, and Pascoite! Excellent work in pulling ahead in what seemed like a very tight round! And it seems like there is some love for poetry in the writeoff after all. :)

>>regidar
>>Icenrose
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>PaulAsaran
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Whitbane

Thanks for the comments, guys!

I wrote this using an 'idea exchange' with a friend; they didn't end up submitting, but they sent me a concept that gradually morphed into this. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, although I definitely felt rusty while writing. I'm especially glad no-one called me out on my characterization of Starlight; I haven't actually watched many of the episodes she's in. >.>

The critiques here seemed to surround three main ideas: the opening felt weak, the idea didn't make a strong impact, and the conversation was confusing or a bit too glib.

As for the opening; some of that is, I think, because I didn't telegraph Starlight's distress quite as clearly as I maybe should have. the 'shouldn't she feel better than this, after being redeemed?' line could have probably come in sooner, and been given more weight. I did try and lampshade Discord just showing up with Fluttershy prodding him into it, but there's probably a better way to introduce him, as well.

The idea making a strong impact... that's kinda a casualty of my writing process, I think. I should have started composing earlier, and focused more on the emotional core as I wrote. As it was, this kinda morphed from 'instant redemption could really mess someone up' to a 'change doesn't happen overnight' sorta thing. I'm fairly happy with how it turned out, but deepening the emotional arc would have definitely been good. Communicating the depths of Starlight's emotions more clearly really wouldn't hurt, either.

As for the conversation being confusing, or too obviously scripted... this story probably got what I think of as 'edit-burn', where I went over it too many times and smoothed out too much of my natural variation that comes in during the first writing, which is stuff that often helps with flow and characterization. I edited it several times and cut it a bit, to get below 750 words... only to find out that the writeoff word-counter differed from my word processor by nearly fifty words. :/ At that point, though, I was over it, and headed to bed.

This was a great round for reading, and I'm glad I placed as high as I did. Thanks for the votes, everyone!

>>Not_A_Hat Which is why I wrote that line. Everybody makes such a big deal about "show, don't tell" but I've found "show AND tell" keeps the readers from wandering off, scratching their heads in bafflement when something isn't obvious. After all, that's the principle behind non-Columbo mystery novels. The clues are there, seeded in the story in little bits and pieces, until the end where everything gets revealed.

>>Bachiavellian

Poetry? And I missed it??

This'll teach me to spend my time writing non-Writeoff Nightmare Night stories! Oh, the huge manatees!

Mike

Marginalia is a work of art and I'm super pleased it took first. Great work, CiG!
I actually don't like haikus all that much, but Haze, yours were amazingly comfy and very enjoyable to read. Fantastic job.
There was no way Statuesque couldn't have won. That poem was far too fun to fail. Simply beautiful, Pasco.

I'll leave my final thoughts on the other stories throughout the day.

Thank you to everyone who read my entry and took the time to comment! I actually was planning on not entering this one due to the fact that both I and a friend of mine I had shown ahead of time felt the story was both weak and confusing. However, I was unable to pull another story out of my ass, so I just bit the bullet and published this one. And I'm glad I did! This was the first time I've ever made it into the finals! And the first time I've received the "most controversial" award, haha.

>>Not_A_Hat
>>Dolfeus Doseux
I was attempting to bridge the gap of poetry and prose here, and I did it very poorly. It probably would have helped in my endeavor if I'd actually listened to the discussion on poetry that inspired all the poems this round instead of just jumping right to this the instant I heard poetry was a hot topic.

>>Fenton
>>Haze
I wrote the story with the intention of it being able to be read from any of three angles: Starlight talking to Trixie, Twilight talking to Trixie, or Trixie talking to herself. How well I managed to play these off is up for debate still, I suppose. the strongest argument can be made for the Starlight theory, and it's how I wrote the poem at first. However, after a few rereads before submission I threw in some caveats that I hoped made the direction of the story a bit more diverse.

>>horizon
You're also right though. I'm completely baffled as to how this ended up getting into the finals because it really is held back by the vagueness within. This is only about 410 words long, so there's easily room to insert a few choice lines that strengthen the story significantly. While I would have loved as much of a heated debate over this story to the caliber Cymothoa enjoyed, the fact of the matter is Cymothoa is a stronger story that benefits from the mystery, while this is a weaker story that as a poem is already nebulous as fuck and doesn't really need further obfuscation.

And as for the format... yeah, the highlighter comparison is a really good one. I tried to be poignant and punchy—but if every line is poignant and punchy there's no comparison or contrast. I was trying to write it like a song, and as such I had a specific tune in mind when I wrote the lines. Needless to say, I am not a songwriter.

I do enjoy one thing I screwed around with in this story: the rhyme structure between lines. If I try and polish this story up, I'm definitely going to stick to that format. However, I'm still agreeing with what you've said: it's very hit and miss and ends up sapping some of the overall poignancy of the story.

And that takes us right to >>Posh and >>AndrewRogue
How would you suggest I take advantage of the format? In what way would I stilt the flow in order to increase impact? I have a general idea but I'm still pretty clueless, so I'm more than happy to take any suggestions either of you might have to offer.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>PaulAsaran
I'm very glad you both liked it, it was really heartwarming to see people who really enjoyed the story despite its glaring and obvious flaws, as most of the comments essentially reflected what I was thinking about and obsessing over before I submitted it.

>>sharpspark

but Cassius's interpretation is probably closest to correct.

>>AndrewRogue
>>Icenrose
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ion-Sturm
>>Pascoite
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Whitbane

Everyone doubted me! They said I was crazy. They said I was a fool. But who is the fool now? Who is the fool now, Cold in Gardez?????????

>>sharpspark

It's always a little creepier when you never know exactly what bad thing is going on, but are certain there's something not right.

This sentiment is why I felt so strongly about the story not being about a changeling. The ambiguous nature of this story where the reader doesn't quite have all the puzzles to ascertain what is going on is part of why I enjoyed and also why it is worthy of so much discussion.

If I may briefly launch into a greater discussion about literature, a story that lends itself to a multiplicity of valid interpretations is part of what makes stories "great", so to speak. An author needs to know what to spell out so that the reader can understand what happens on the surface level of the story, but leave certain factors such as the subtext behind character motivations and actions left to the interpretation of the reader. Not having such things spelled out allows the reader to bring their own perspective and interact with the novel more. It's part of what makes Shakespeare so interesting: there is numerous potential reads for why X character does Y. The action they do makes sense within the context of the scene, and generally the reader knows what is going on, but not always the specifics of why it is happening. They have to infer that information.

Good literature requires making inferences, basically is what I'm saying.

Congrats to Haze on winning their first medal! And to Gardez on the... 14th. Or 23rd, including original rounds. Took a while to count those.

I haven't bothered discussing my entry after the fact for quite some time, because I have my doubts as to how many people actually read these. But I might as well.

I got the idea for this weeks ago, and as I formed 2 or 3 stanzas in my head, I kept returning to a couple of wordplay lines that I really liked, and because my pattern with poetry is to place so many constraints on it that it's an exhaustive pain to write, then swear off ever doing so again, I of course decided to require wordplay in every stanza just to make my life a lot harder than it needed to be. Originally, I wanted to write this story for Loganberry's Flashfic 150 events, but it quickly became apparent that it wouldn't fit in that small a package. 6 stanzas wouldn't be enough to tell the story, since the structure I'd chosen didn't allow for that much storytelling per stanza. The 400-word minimum here means going to 16 stanzas at least, but I also found certain sections of it filling out more than most, and I wanted to keep it balanced, so I arrived at 24 stanzas, which would be about 600 words (576, actually). The three stanzas that don't have the wordplay resulting in an internal rhyme at the second foot are some of the earliest ones I came up with, but those lines are obviously the commodity in shortest supply when accumulating enough material for the whole poem, so I had to camp out on a rhyming dictionary site, choose a few words I knew I'd want to turn up in the poem, and seeing what wordplay I could construct out of them from the rhymed list. Every stanza was built off its second line. And it was a giant pain in the ass. It's spaced out into 4 sections dealing with Tungsten expressing his love, going over his history, having the statue made to be there for Luna when she returns, and anticipating her return.

Then the part after the break. There are certain things I wanted the poem itself to convey and some it shouldn't. Tungsten wrote the poem, so he couldn't have covered the things that happened after he died. I needed another medium to show that. The only part of the notes he would have known about was the first line. And his name, too, though he wouldn't have a motivation to explain that. I had Present Perfect give it a test read, and he could figure out from the poem alone that Tungsten had secretly fallen in love with Luna but was killed by Nightmare Moon. He didn't catch that Tungsten had commissioned the statue, and only vaguely that it was referring to a statue at all, so I made sure the curator's notes covered that. The actual meaning of "tungsten" is true, and it's a little factoid I've enjoyed carrying around for years.

Before I go to individual responses, I find this to be a statistical curiosity. The three medalists finished extraordinarily close to each other. Very minor things could have affected the outcome. I got the most first-place votes and the fewest bottom-half votes, but I was also the only one to get a last-place vote. I wonder how much that one voter changed things. Of course, the haiku might have suffered the same fate. I have no way of knowing if the same voter is one of its down-ballot finishes from someone who stacked all the poetry at the bottom, for instance, and hit us both. It's kind of an interesting "electoral college versus popular vote" situation. But as I look at the ballots, I do have a more sudden drop-off from high to mid-tier finishes, and as close as it was, subtle things like that can make the difference.

Anyway, I'm really surprised to see two poems among the medals, I'm glad horizon could participate in such a round, given his early comment that made it sound like he couldn't, and I'm sorry AugieDog/Baal Bunny couldn't take part in the poetical festival. And wow, most people who did author guessing thought horizon wrote this. I take that as a big compliment--he's someone who can effortlessly churn out poetry with little hidden treasures in it.

>>Icenrose
>>Ion-Sturm
The "she wouldn't say why" line is supposed to be a comment from the curator, but the way I had to trim the notes meant not being able to let her character seep in at all, and it does stand out among the rest of the very formal-sounding notes. Interesting that Ion thought of making those into more formal documents, because that was actually my plan from the start. I didn't want to have to figure out how to link images in an entry, and it would have technically taken me over word count that way anyway, but I've already got those finished for the version I'm going to post on FiMFiction, which will take it over 1k words so I can solo post it. You may be right, and it may well not be the best option, but I think it's in keeping with showing the cold stone inscription to also provide a cold piece of paper, rather than making a live narrative or some such out of it.

>>Fenton
As I said above, the notes were more to provide additional information Tungsten couldn't have known, but it did reinforce things that readers might miss in the poem as well, and given all the discussion about poetry's accessibility, I figured it wasn't a bad way to give a leg up to those who have a harder time with poetry, and in a way that had a plausible motivation for presenting that information. But if that ends up helping people out, that's fine with me, too.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm glad you liked it, and I'm a little surprised you did, given your usual preference for less-structured poetry. I can't fathom how you picked me as the author, since I so rarely write poetry, unless it's because of me recently being an outspoken proponent of it.

I'm not done with you yet, but I'm going to tie in Regidar...

>>regidar
I guess I should have seen that all the talk about stone and the specific line referring to it like a tomb could have made people think of Discord, but it still surprises me, since it's someone who adheres to duty and is subservient to Luna. But with a few tweaks, it might actually present a reasonable Discord/Luna ship.

>>thisisalongname
I don't really know what to say to this, since it just seemed like you were determined not to like it no matter what. Yes, it's a bit narcissistic of him, but he's not seeking to aggrandize himself with it. He never says how great he is. He just wanted to admit to Luna that he loved her, and as one of the few who understood how her exile would work, he wanted to make sure she had one person in her corner when she came back. In addition, I'll tie in Paul:

>>PaulAsaran
I don't doubt that it feels long in a few places. That stems from all the structural constraints. Like I said, there wasn't much wiggle room once the 2nd and 4th lines of a stanza were set, so it was particularly difficult to get through much plot in each. Some of the 4 sections filled out better than others, and wanting to keep the whole thing balanced meant having to stretch in a couple places, plus the way the stanza rhymes are paired sometimes made it difficult to decide on an optimal placement for each or keep me from having much of an option. I could probably try do do something about this, but it'd take far more work than I'd care to invest.

>>Haze
>>Not_A_Hat
These are the bits I don't quite get. That two people said it lends it some credence, but I don't think I want to change anything to accommodate this, and I'm not sure I even should. Likening this to the puzzle gimmick isn't the same thing, because that requires you to stop reading and do something unrelated to the story. It still speaks to distraction, but it's an entirely different kind that wouldn't be solved the same way, and it's not something I'll ever clear up for all readers anyway.

More to what Hat said, though, since he went into detail: Getting tripped up on the structure itself seems odd to me, because poetry in general is rife with structural considerations and clever use of language, and what poetry is supposed to do is precisely what you're citing as what hurt it in your eyes. At least I think so? It's... too poem-like? I never know how to take that. The comment about meter pulling you into the flow is unrelated to what comes after, since the wordplay works within the meter, so I don't understand what point you're making. Plus it never helps sort that out, on any kind of story, when different people point out the exact same thing as what they love most or find the weakest part, especially when some people can just sit back and read the words. That said, Present Perfect had a reaction something like this on one aspect: he hadn't fully caught that Nightmare Moon killed Tungsten, because he was enjoying the word-level stuff too much.

I think this is the kind of story that lends itself to reading through twice, once to feel the form of it, and again to get the plot. I found the haiku to be the same way: go through to let the syllable count settle on you and feel the flow, then again to absorb what meaning it has.

I don't get citing "The Raven" as an example of how to have an unchanging line to anchor the stanzas, when it does the same thing I am: The last line varies in every stanza, at least until it hits a stretch near the end that has the same one four in a row. Out of 18 stanzas, it has 14 different ending lines, all tied together by the last word or two, similar to me. And would moving the "heavy stone" to its own line really change anything there? It would read the same. So all told, I don't know how I'd address this or even that it would be a good idea to. If it ends up coming across as too highbrow to some readers, and it inevitably will, that's a risk I have to accept.

And yes, this was a bear to write. A big, smelly one whom I reminded I'd banished years ago and told to never come back, but he'll eventually wander around again and dump a dozen rules on me I can't help but confine myself to while I curse his name.

>>Whitbane
>>moonwhisper
>>Bremen
Thanks much for reading, and glad you liked it!