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You Won’t Make Old Bones
Twilight Sparkle was in the middle of a delicate experiment (she was mixing inks to get the exact hue she desired), when somepony knocked at the door.
No way she could get that.
“SPIIIIKE!” she yelled. But it was Nightmare Night’s eve, and the young dragon had joined the Cutie Mark Crusaders to discuss their future treat or trick trek.
She had to turn to another lackey.
“STARLIIIIIIGHT!”
There was no response. Starlight was out at a get together with Trixie.
Twilight sighed. Princesses’ world was sometimes cruel. She stood up, shuffled to the door and opened it.
And found herself facing a skeleton.
Not a disguise. A real skeleton.
She cocked an eyebrow.
The skeleton’s jaw moved as if it was going to speak.
Twilight grimaced and took a step back. “Errrrk gross,” she said. “If you want to talk to me, you’d better brush your teeth first. Your breath reeks!” She shut the door and headed back to her desk.
There were new knocks.
Twilight grunted and, using her magic, clasped one of the purses full of sweets she’d prepared for the occasion. She walked back to the door, cracked it open and tossed the purse through the chink. “Here you are. Now get lost. I have work to do.” She closed the door.
Knocks again.
She flung the door wide. “For Celestia’s sake, what do you want?” she bawled.
The skeleton turned its head aside. “Princess Twilight Sparkle?” it rasped.
“That’s me,” Twilight answered. “Please cut to the chase, I don’t have all day.”
The skeleton drew a scroll out of a pouch and unrolled it. “I’m hereby sent by order of Princess Celestia to inform you that your death has been scheduled one week from now—”
“What?!” Twilight’s jaw dropped.
“You’ve been elected to take part in a new, experimental program for happier funerals,” it explained. “Participants are warned one week before their death. It gives them time to tell their family and friends, write their last will, and pick up their favourite casket, headstone and graveyard spot. Makes the whole process much less of a hassle for everypony.”
Twilight reeled, as if she’d been punched. “But… How… I mean… There must be some sort of mistake.”
“I’m sorry, no mistake,” the skeleton replied. “Here, look.” It handed the scroll to Twilight. She examined the lines. Her name was written, all right, in Celestia’s handwriting, complete with signature and seal. It seemed genuine.
She looked up. “But… I’m an alicorn. Alicorns don’t die!”
The skeleton hesitated. “I admit,” it said, “that this is weird. Why not ask Princess Celestia herself?”
“May I borrow your scroll?”
“Sure.”
“I never wrote that!” Celestia protested. “It’s ludicrous!”
“But it’s your handwriting, no?” Twilight interrupted.
“Certainly. Nonetheless it’s a fake. Who could have devised such a prank? Hmm… Skeleton you said?” Celestia frowned. “Did it have foul breath?”
“Yes, I almost fainted.”
“I think I know. Come with me.” She left the throne room with Twilight on her heels, and they meandered through the castle corridors until they reached Luna’s room.
Celestia rapped at the door.
It seemed to Twilight that she heard muffled laughter behind the door.
Luna opened. “Hey Sister! Oh Twilight, what a surprise! What urgent matter brings you here unexpected?”
Celestia raised her head and sniffed. “I like your new perfume,” she said.
“My what?… Err… Ah, yes, mint. I like mint.”
“You have always hated mint, Luna,” Celestia retorted.
“Have I? Ah. Darn. Yea, and I was a fool. I changed my mind, that’s all.” She grinned.
“Breathe!” Celestia ordered.
“What?”
“Breathe! I want to smell your breath.”
Luna exhaled into her sister’s face.
Celestia frowned. “No, it’s fine. I wonder…” She tilted her head and took a step ahead, nudging her sister aside. “Luna!” she exclaimed. “The phanosteopoietin vial on your desk! So it was you, but how did you—”
“Phanowhat?” Twilight cut in.
Celestia turned towards Twilight. “Phanosteopoietin. It’s a mint based potion that turns the body invisible, except the skeleton. Very useful to diagnose broken bones. But it gives you such a bad breath that it was abandoned. There’s an old vial locked…”
At this very moment laughter erupted inside Luna’s room. Celestia pushed ahead. Luna yielded. Celestia entered, followed by Twilight.
I know this laughter, Twilight thought.
Under the bed, somepony was wriggling. A pegasus. Blue.
Rainbow Dash’s head poked out. “Bwawa! Twilight, you should’ve seen your face!” she chortled, before relapsing into laughter.
Everypony pinched their muzzles.
No way she could get that.
“SPIIIIKE!” she yelled. But it was Nightmare Night’s eve, and the young dragon had joined the Cutie Mark Crusaders to discuss their future treat or trick trek.
She had to turn to another lackey.
“STARLIIIIIIGHT!”
There was no response. Starlight was out at a get together with Trixie.
Twilight sighed. Princesses’ world was sometimes cruel. She stood up, shuffled to the door and opened it.
And found herself facing a skeleton.
Not a disguise. A real skeleton.
She cocked an eyebrow.
The skeleton’s jaw moved as if it was going to speak.
Twilight grimaced and took a step back. “Errrrk gross,” she said. “If you want to talk to me, you’d better brush your teeth first. Your breath reeks!” She shut the door and headed back to her desk.
There were new knocks.
Twilight grunted and, using her magic, clasped one of the purses full of sweets she’d prepared for the occasion. She walked back to the door, cracked it open and tossed the purse through the chink. “Here you are. Now get lost. I have work to do.” She closed the door.
Knocks again.
She flung the door wide. “For Celestia’s sake, what do you want?” she bawled.
The skeleton turned its head aside. “Princess Twilight Sparkle?” it rasped.
“That’s me,” Twilight answered. “Please cut to the chase, I don’t have all day.”
The skeleton drew a scroll out of a pouch and unrolled it. “I’m hereby sent by order of Princess Celestia to inform you that your death has been scheduled one week from now—”
“What?!” Twilight’s jaw dropped.
“You’ve been elected to take part in a new, experimental program for happier funerals,” it explained. “Participants are warned one week before their death. It gives them time to tell their family and friends, write their last will, and pick up their favourite casket, headstone and graveyard spot. Makes the whole process much less of a hassle for everypony.”
Twilight reeled, as if she’d been punched. “But… How… I mean… There must be some sort of mistake.”
“I’m sorry, no mistake,” the skeleton replied. “Here, look.” It handed the scroll to Twilight. She examined the lines. Her name was written, all right, in Celestia’s handwriting, complete with signature and seal. It seemed genuine.
She looked up. “But… I’m an alicorn. Alicorns don’t die!”
The skeleton hesitated. “I admit,” it said, “that this is weird. Why not ask Princess Celestia herself?”
“May I borrow your scroll?”
“Sure.”
“I never wrote that!” Celestia protested. “It’s ludicrous!”
“But it’s your handwriting, no?” Twilight interrupted.
“Certainly. Nonetheless it’s a fake. Who could have devised such a prank? Hmm… Skeleton you said?” Celestia frowned. “Did it have foul breath?”
“Yes, I almost fainted.”
“I think I know. Come with me.” She left the throne room with Twilight on her heels, and they meandered through the castle corridors until they reached Luna’s room.
Celestia rapped at the door.
It seemed to Twilight that she heard muffled laughter behind the door.
Luna opened. “Hey Sister! Oh Twilight, what a surprise! What urgent matter brings you here unexpected?”
Celestia raised her head and sniffed. “I like your new perfume,” she said.
“My what?… Err… Ah, yes, mint. I like mint.”
“You have always hated mint, Luna,” Celestia retorted.
“Have I? Ah. Darn. Yea, and I was a fool. I changed my mind, that’s all.” She grinned.
“Breathe!” Celestia ordered.
“What?”
“Breathe! I want to smell your breath.”
Luna exhaled into her sister’s face.
Celestia frowned. “No, it’s fine. I wonder…” She tilted her head and took a step ahead, nudging her sister aside. “Luna!” she exclaimed. “The phanosteopoietin vial on your desk! So it was you, but how did you—”
“Phanowhat?” Twilight cut in.
Celestia turned towards Twilight. “Phanosteopoietin. It’s a mint based potion that turns the body invisible, except the skeleton. Very useful to diagnose broken bones. But it gives you such a bad breath that it was abandoned. There’s an old vial locked…”
At this very moment laughter erupted inside Luna’s room. Celestia pushed ahead. Luna yielded. Celestia entered, followed by Twilight.
I know this laughter, Twilight thought.
Under the bed, somepony was wriggling. A pegasus. Blue.
Rainbow Dash’s head poked out. “Bwawa! Twilight, you should’ve seen your face!” she chortled, before relapsing into laughter.
Everypony pinched their muzzles.
This is a cute enough character piece, but I can't keep my pedantry from ruining the plot. Surely the lack of a horn/comparative size would have tipped Twilight off that it wasn't Luna?
I often like low-stakes plots for minifics. The pacing feels good for its length, and it as a whole the plot reads very smoothy.
In my opinion, the place you can work on the most is probably the prose itself. Take a look at the non-dialogue sentences―the vast majority of them have the same structure, with one clause that begins with a pony and ends with what they did. These kind of short, choppy sentences along with a lot of one-sentence paragraphs makes it hard to get invested, because it feels a bit like you're reading a list of things that happens, rather than a single unbroken story. There's also a lot of deadpan humor here, which only really works when there's something to contrast it with.
I'd suggest varying your prose to include lengthier sentence structures in the less important parts of the story, leaving the shorter, more impactful sentences for the jokes and twist. That way, you're not prematurely exhausting your reader while also setting up those deadpan jokes that need short, snappy deliveries.
In my opinion, the place you can work on the most is probably the prose itself. Take a look at the non-dialogue sentences―the vast majority of them have the same structure, with one clause that begins with a pony and ends with what they did. These kind of short, choppy sentences along with a lot of one-sentence paragraphs makes it hard to get invested, because it feels a bit like you're reading a list of things that happens, rather than a single unbroken story. There's also a lot of deadpan humor here, which only really works when there's something to contrast it with.
I'd suggest varying your prose to include lengthier sentence structures in the less important parts of the story, leaving the shorter, more impactful sentences for the jokes and twist. That way, you're not prematurely exhausting your reader while also setting up those deadpan jokes that need short, snappy deliveries.
>>Not_A_Hat
Unless the horn isn't a bone, and thus, would have turned to dust if it was a real skeleton. :P
Overall, the idea is quite good but the execution lacks something. Maybe it comes from what >>Bachiavellian mentioned. Thus, the resolution feels a bit weak, not because of what is delivered but rather how it is delivered.
Unless the horn isn't a bone, and thus, would have turned to dust if it was a real skeleton. :P
Overall, the idea is quite good but the execution lacks something. Maybe it comes from what >>Bachiavellian mentioned. Thus, the resolution feels a bit weak, not because of what is delivered but rather how it is delivered.
The start was fairly engaging, but once Twilight went to speak to Celestia it felt rather plodding and ho-hum. I feel like it would have been better if Twilight had just taken things at face value and actually followed through with her funeral preperations.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bachiavellian
>>Fenton
>>Ion-Sturm
Thanks for commenting and apologies for the—unsurprisingly—bad story. I’m happy the prose was good enough to pass muster and yeah, I had no idea how to end the story. That’s why the second part was lame.
Sorry again and happy halloween to all!
>>Bachiavellian
>>Fenton
>>Ion-Sturm
Thanks for commenting and apologies for the—unsurprisingly—bad story. I’m happy the prose was good enough to pass muster and yeah, I had no idea how to end the story. That’s why the second part was lame.
Sorry again and happy halloween to all!