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Bronze medal
Original Short Story
3rd
96%
580
The Girl and Her Robot
Bronze medal
FiM Short Story
3rd
96%
567
An Old Coot
Silver medal
FiM Short Story
2nd
97%
552
No Spring Chicken
Bronze medal
FiM Short Story
3rd
96%
551
Summer Island
Bronze medal
FiM Short Story
3rd
94%
550
Baggage
Bronze medal
FiM Short Story
3rd
94%
545
Not On the Outside
Ribbon
Original Short Story
5th
85%
484
The Travelers
Ribbon
FiM Short Story
4th
85%
471
Celestiology
Ribbon
Original Short Story
4th
86%
469
The River Lady
Ribbon
FiM Short Story
12th
77%
412
Etymology
#15257 · 9
· · >>Light_Striker
Holy frickin' crap, I just submitted my first short story entry in more than a year! Break out the streamers!

But honestly, if I had more time, I would have liked to expand on it a bit more, but I just wrote several thousand words in about six hours (holy crap, have I ever written so quickly?), and it's getting pretty late, here. Gonna make a quick editing pass, then I'm going to pass out. Good luck, everybody!
#21353 · 9
· · >>georg
>>GroaningGreyAgony

During one perfectly nondescript early-morning moment, Twilight was in the middle of pouring herself a cup of coffee in her kitchen. The next moment was a rainbow-colored tumble that happened so quickly that she only felt the twenty or so bumps and knocks and jostles after Rainbow Dash had already thrown her into the puffy bank of a high-altitude stratus cloud.

"You'll be safe here!" screeched the wide-eyed pegasus.

As Twilight felt the bruises settling in from the hypersonic extraction, she calmly rightened the coffee pot still held in her magical grasp and poured the precious remaining trickles straight down her throat.

"Explain," croaked the critically under-caffeinated Princess.

"You've been an Alicorn for like three years!" said Rainbow. "How haven't they ever gotten you yet?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes were enitrely bloodshot, to the point that nothing resembling the color white was visible. Her entire face looked like she had gotten whatever the opposite of a face-lift was, and there was a deeply concerning involuntary twitch in her left wing.

"Use your fucking words, Dash," said Twilight. "Who is trying to get me?"

"Th-the Writers, Twi!They're out of quills again, and they're not afraid to use us to write with!"

With trembling steps, Dash tip toed to the edge of the cloud and peeked down to Ponyville Square below.

"The ones who can't get away—they're good as gone Twi. I saw a baby pegasus, too small to fly, at Sugarcube corner on my way to you. Plucked absolutely clean. The m-monsters."

"Are you sure you aren't over-reacting again, Dash?" Twilight rubbed her eyes with a pinching cloud of magic. "Remember when you destroyed five-point-three million bits of weather equipment 'cause your turtle was sleepy? I had to implement a two percent sales tax increase in Manehattan to pay for that stuff, you know."

"Tank's a tortoise," came the automatic reply. "But this is serious, Twi, I don't—"

"Raaaainbow Dash?" croaked a small scratchy voice, from the ground below. "Rainbow Dash, is that you?"

Dash's eyes widened, and her head swiveled to find the voice. "Scootaloo!"

On instinct, her legs crouched in preparation of a jump, but Rainbow Dash caught herself at the last second.

"H-help me, Rainbow. Please!"

"H-hang in there, little squirt!" Tears threatened to spill from the Element of Loyalty's eyes. "I—I'm here for you!"

"It hurts so much, Rainbow Dash."

"Y-you're a trooper, you tough little thing, you!" said Dash as she backed away from the edge of the cloud. "It'll be over, soon. I p-promise."

Twilight blinked. She blinked again, voluntarily.

"What in my oedipal mother-figure's name was that?"

"It's sad, really," muttered Dash as she curled up into a fetal ball at Twilight's feet. "I think her wings are big enough for her to fly, now. But every time her feathers start growing in, there's another one of these contests. It's an awful cycle."

"Look," said Twilight. "I am not nearly awake enough to begin handling this."

Twilight began tip-toeing closer behind the unaware pegasus.

"I've been up busy all night, and I only have one day left."

Rainbow Dash froze and her eyes popped open, just as a touch of of magic tickled her wings.

"W-what were you doing all night?" whispered Dash.

Twilight smiled widely.

"I was writing, Rainbow."
#7167 · 7
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony >>FanOfMostEverything
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Posh
I haven't done this in ages.

'Twixt my Sheets She's Done my Unicorn Hairs: With Shining's current mental state, Raindolph really should have just gone to Cadence for those hairs.

EDIT: Oh, crap, didn't realize that mash-up was already taken. :P

I Wasn't Prepared for Two Strikes Fading Ever After: Princess Celestia has a horrible student retention rate.

The Perfect Amalgamation: Trixie recalls her lovely evening with a revolting pervert, and only embellishes it a little for the sake of spiting the filthy commoner she calls a friend.

Tired Bright: Celestia quits, and two random farmers wonder where the fuck the sun's gone.
#21762 · 7
· · >>Bachiavellian
Rats and Cats, Only Mostly Dead, Burning Through the Sky...

"Well, That Escalated Quickly."


This is comedy gold, and anyone who disagrees needs to fight me and my future children.
#5362 · 6
· on Proxy Sensible · >>Trick_Question
>>KwirkyJ
Saying this with all of the love in the world, but you really don't need to be defensive about what you've written. As author, you don't need to answer to anyone about how you choose to tell the story in your head. Reviewers are only here to point out things that we think you might have overlooked/need a fresh pair of eyes on. But if this is something you have thought about and disagree with (which is clearly the case here) you are totally free to disregard it without the need to justify yourself.

Still, you have to give your reviewers the benefit of the doubt. Nobody knows for sure what was intentional in a story or not, even more so since we don't even know who wrote what. Just because we point something out doesn't mean we think you did something objectively wrong or that you're a poor writer. We just want to make sure you have all the information possible regarding how your potential readers are interpreting your story.
#14565 · 6
·
I can't believe it, but I got something in. That means I'm still a relevant member of this group, right? :derpytongue:
#15238 · 6
·
I have an idea I actually really like, a thousand words, an outline, and one more day. Heading to bed; I'll see you nerds in the morning.
#17954 · 6
·
>>CoffeeMinion

Mashups!!

As Perfect as Diplomacy Could Be: Twilight and Rarity's wedding almost goes off without a hitch until Celestia vomits on the happy couple.

A- Guidance Services: In the magical and horsey land of Equestria, if little foals don't get 100% on their tests, they're fucking institutionalized.

Soft Catsitter: When Opal the eldritch nightmare unleashes her fantastic and terrifying might, Spike the Undaunted laughs, for he feels nothing at all.

Giswielda's Ecstasy: "Hocus Pocus, it's another Alicorn Princess!"
#5450 · 5
· on The Midnight Lesson · >>FanOfMostEverything
First off, congratulations to our winners! Seriously, I'm extremely jealous of their ability to write about pony princesses so wonderfully.

Of course, I'm biased as hell. I love pony princesses waaaaaay too much. Look at my top scorers for any almost any round, and I think you'll notice a disturbing trend. Hell, just crtl + F any story I've written for "Celestia" or "Luna." It's goddamned scary.

Retrospective: The Midnight Lesson

Well, fifth place out of almost seventy entries is my best minific showing to date! I might be getting the hang of these things. :P

Anyways, as per usual with FiM Minific rounds, I used this event as an opportunity to experiment with my writing. When the prompt came out, I kinda just tried to think of genres/topics that I hadn't written yet. In the end, I decided to go with something dark, even though the end product is probably not so much dark as it is slightly uncomfortable.

And also as per usual, the most common criticism is a lack of an ending/closure. I'm starting to think I might get a cutie mark in writing incomplete stories.

Finally, I really appreciate the reviews, guys! Seriously, I think I might have developed a physical addiction to praise over the internet. You guys really need to stop enabling me.

>>Pastoral
>>Waterpear
>>CoffeeMinion
For those of you who are dying to know what happens next, it's basically what FoME said. Celestia learns dark magic, which is how she eventually teaches Twilight about it in the season three opener. I think the show also implies that she had to use dark magic against Sombra, but that might just be me reading between the lines too much.

Regardless, I appreciate the feedback! I'll keep working on getting my stories to properly finish instead of just end.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Seriously, how the hell do you figure out exactly what I'm going for in all my stories? It's supernatural at this point. Will I gain your reading comprehension powers if I eat your heart?

>>Orbiting_kettle
Thank you for leaving your thoughts! Glad you enjoyed it.

>>Bad Horse
I originally did have a couple of extra lines of squick where Celestia can't get blood out of her fur without spreading it around, but I had to cut it for length. Such a shame--they were really fun to write.

>>Not_A_Hat
Yes, that monologue was painfully telly in hindsight. In my defense, I wrote it at the ass-end of a four hour writing session (cause I'm that slow) after getting off of work at 11 at night. It genially sounded pretty okay to me at the time. :twilightblush:

The logic behind Star Swirl's reasoning is that if you're immortal, you're going to see basically everything that could possibly happen. Celestia will see every new threat to Equestria from that point on till the end of time. I was trying to give the impression that Star Swirl wanted Celestia to be ready for every possible thing that could happen, since she's going to be around for them when they do happen.

... and I probably just broke my record for most uses of the word "happen" in a single paragraph.

Thank you for your thoughts! I know I have trouble communicating complicated concepts through dialogue, so I appreciate you pointing out where I might need more work.

>>TheCyanRecluse
For your first question... I genuinely did not think of that. I guess the concepts of "alicorn" and "immortal" are so closely associated in my head that I forgot to realize that Celestia's immortality wouldn't be immediately apparent to any onlooker.

As for Luna, she's still a little pegasus filly, here. :P Should have definitely made that a bit clearer, though. Thank you for your feedback!

>>georg
Thanks for your thoughts! I'm glad that it mostly worked out for you, aside from that pacing hiccup. I did have some trouble transitioning from the first part (Celestia wondering what happened to Star Swirl's leg) to the rest of the story. Next time, I'll try to make the seams a little less obvious.



Well, thank you guys for another great Writeoff. I'll see you all in the next one!
#12855 · 5
· on Pickup Trucks and Comic Books · >>Not_A_Hat
Congrats to our winners!

Just got back from work. Also, I realized a couple of days ago that ever since I started working full-time last year, I have submitted zero short story entries.

...That's just depressing. I think I'm going to do my best to get into the next FIM one.

Anyways, retrospective.

Pickup Trucks and Comic Books

Most controversial? Dang, I'm pretty surprised, though in hindsight I guess it makes sense, with the whole love-it-or-hate-it thing going on in the comments. Shout out to >>Cassius who pretty much nailed exactly what I was going for, but I know for a fact that I could have done a much better job. Still, really happy someone liked the story enough to so stubbornly defend it. :P

Okay, time to get real; this story's a little about my own dad. (My mom is fine, btw, before anyone asks). Ages and ages ago, I mentioned that my parents aren't native speakers. My dad (who's one of the biggest extroverts I know) sometimes has trouble expressing himself in English, especially on abstract or emotional topics. And I kinda wanted to capture that sense of this wordless barrier that can exist between two people, even when they understand what the other one is thinking.

There are a lot of ways I could have made this clearer, starting with our narrator's characterization. I'll be honest, I was pretty disappointed that no one figured out that the narrator was supposed to be a pretty smart guy who only thinks he's dumb. While I was writing, I honestly thought I did a good job showing that, but I must have been way off my mark. As for the self-deprecating humor, I thought it would give the story a more spoken feel, but everyone who mentioned it didn't like it, so I guess I over-did it.

RE: the ending, this is where I'm really fucking disappointed in myself. Because it's the exact same mistake I keep making, with these endings that feel like vague, unsatisfying twists. See: pretty much every minific I've ever written, and a lot of my short stories too. I don't know; I thought I took care of it this time, but I obviously didn't. It's very frustrating and it makes me feel like I'm not improving as a writer, but I'm very determined to kill this Bachiavellian-shitty-ending curse.

Thanks for the reviews, everyone; they were all an absolute pleasure to read. I hope to see you guys next time.