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This is definitely one of my favorites this round. The message feels good for the length of a minific, and the high-level stylized narration is evocative and makes the world-building feel important. Overall, I really like the mood this one, which I think is the biggest success of the story.
Now, I do have to admit that it took me several re-reads to feel like I grasped what was going on. This is a story that demands fair bit of effort and attention from its reader, between the poetry-dialogue and the elusive, metaphor-laden ending.I have to say after my first read, I was more or less entirely convinced that I had missed the point of the story entirely. Upon re-reads, I've become fairly confident that I didn't actually miss that much at all on my first read, but that impression still lingered for some time.
I think this may have to do a little with the way you've structured the piece as a whole. We start with a high-level, slow-burn narrative that spans at least a year. Then we immediately dive into a heated argument, which kind of made me feel like this would be the climax or central conflict of the story, Then we leave this argument and enter into a slow, mysterious conversation that does not feel like it's the direct or natural consequence of the events of the prior two scenes.
This definitely bucks the typical structure of a short story, and while I think this was probably the right move, I did still get a bit of a hang-up at each scene transition. Maybe this would be something that a larger wordcount would fix—I'm not sure.
Anyways, I'm being really nitpicky and long-winded precisely because I like this piece so much and I really enjoy getting into how and why it ticks. Like I mentioned earlier, this is one of my favorite stories this round, and I'm scoring it highly on my slate.
Thank you for writing!
Now, I do have to admit that it took me several re-reads to feel like I grasped what was going on. This is a story that demands fair bit of effort and attention from its reader, between the poetry-dialogue and the elusive, metaphor-laden ending.I have to say after my first read, I was more or less entirely convinced that I had missed the point of the story entirely. Upon re-reads, I've become fairly confident that I didn't actually miss that much at all on my first read, but that impression still lingered for some time.
I think this may have to do a little with the way you've structured the piece as a whole. We start with a high-level, slow-burn narrative that spans at least a year. Then we immediately dive into a heated argument, which kind of made me feel like this would be the climax or central conflict of the story, Then we leave this argument and enter into a slow, mysterious conversation that does not feel like it's the direct or natural consequence of the events of the prior two scenes.
This definitely bucks the typical structure of a short story, and while I think this was probably the right move, I did still get a bit of a hang-up at each scene transition. Maybe this would be something that a larger wordcount would fix—I'm not sure.
Anyways, I'm being really nitpicky and long-winded precisely because I like this piece so much and I really enjoy getting into how and why it ticks. Like I mentioned earlier, this is one of my favorite stories this round, and I'm scoring it highly on my slate.
Thank you for writing!
You know me, I like my Tempest stories. She's the best thing to come out of the movie by far, so you get all of my love for writing about her.
Now that being said, I think that while your dialogue does an admirable on a line-by-line level, things start to get a little fuzzy in the big-picture view. Gonna second Dubs' comment that your themes were kinda weak, especially given the fact that this is supposed to be a thoughtful and introspective piece. Motifs are kinda important in stories like this.
I also can see what you're going for in the last scene, but it did end up feeling a bit cheesy to me. I can't help but feel like there could be a less overt hammer-to-the-face way to teach Tempest this lesson.
But I liked the last line. :P
Thank you for entering!
Now that being said, I think that while your dialogue does an admirable on a line-by-line level, things start to get a little fuzzy in the big-picture view. Gonna second Dubs' comment that your themes were kinda weak, especially given the fact that this is supposed to be a thoughtful and introspective piece. Motifs are kinda important in stories like this.
I also can see what you're going for in the last scene, but it did end up feeling a bit cheesy to me. I can't help but feel like there could be a less overt hammer-to-the-face way to teach Tempest this lesson.
But I liked the last line. :P
Thank you for entering!
I'm in total agreement with Dub's sentiment regarding Twilight being a "Just Say No!" evangelical. That may just well be the best joke in the entire contest. And it's always fun to see Trixie and Starlight being Chaotic Neutral idiots.
Well, stoner humor honestly isn't really my thing, so unfortunately a lot of the other gags didn't work their magic on me. I think the middle scene in particular is the weakest of the piece. I get that you're trying to describe a really dumb and ridiculous situation via deadpan, and I'm not entirely sure why, but it just didn't land for me. The story really lost a lot of momentum for me right there.
I don't think I do a great job of judging comedies, and I know that a lot of this is all subjective opinion. But it did feel to me like your most inspired material was in the set-up of the story, and the latter two scenes kinda felt almost perfunctory to me.
I hope this rambling drivel made even the slightest bit of sense.
Thank you for writing!
Well, stoner humor honestly isn't really my thing, so unfortunately a lot of the other gags didn't work their magic on me. I think the middle scene in particular is the weakest of the piece. I get that you're trying to describe a really dumb and ridiculous situation via deadpan, and I'm not entirely sure why, but it just didn't land for me. The story really lost a lot of momentum for me right there.
I don't think I do a great job of judging comedies, and I know that a lot of this is all subjective opinion. But it did feel to me like your most inspired material was in the set-up of the story, and the latter two scenes kinda felt almost perfunctory to me.
I hope this rambling drivel made even the slightest bit of sense.
Thank you for writing!
The prose here is great. Your scene-setting works very well, and you do a great job of being descriptive without being boring. Objectively speaking, this is our slowest-paced entry by far (just a few lines of dialogue and a couple of actions), but it certainly doesn't feel like it. And I think that's largely thanks to the strength of your technical, sentence-to-sentence structure-building.
I am going to have to say, however, that I found the ending somewhat unsatisfying. The story really centers itself around the twist alone, so IMO the reveal needs to be really well-supported with themes and set-up. But as things are, the twist really feels isolated from the rest of the story. There's not much in the preceding text that is recontextualized or given greater depth with the knowledge of the twist in mind.
And maybe this is a personal thing, but I've read so many character X is actually a changeling stories over the years that this premise alone just doesn't really spark the intrigue that it used to for me.
In summary, while I really like the technical construction of this piece, I'm not quite feeling sated with the overall payoff being offered.
Thanks for entering!
I am going to have to say, however, that I found the ending somewhat unsatisfying. The story really centers itself around the twist alone, so IMO the reveal needs to be really well-supported with themes and set-up. But as things are, the twist really feels isolated from the rest of the story. There's not much in the preceding text that is recontextualized or given greater depth with the knowledge of the twist in mind.
And maybe this is a personal thing, but I've read so many character X is actually a changeling stories over the years that this premise alone just doesn't really spark the intrigue that it used to for me.
In summary, while I really like the technical construction of this piece, I'm not quite feeling sated with the overall payoff being offered.
Thanks for entering!
I think I must have said this about a dozen times over the years, but normally I'm not a fan of cutting up a minific into many little scenes. But I really do think that this does make great use of its format to succinctly and quickly deliver its jokes. It's great that you don't waste any unneeded time and words with scene transitions or extraneous connective tissue. This is a sleek read that manages to fit in many more jokes than you'd think a minific can hold.
(*car salesman slaps roof of car*)
Now, this is the part of the review that I honestly did not look forward to writing. Because there's no way I can make it sound the slightest bit objective when I say that the jokes here felt more on the amusing side of the spectrum rather than laugh-out-loud funny. Maybe it's just because I've been reading ponyfics for more than ten years now, but a lot of the comedic beats and character deconstructions (especially Rainbow's) do feel familiar in a way that takes the edge off of the humor.
That's really the absolute worst I can say about this piece, though. In pretty much any other aspect I can think of, you've done a solid job I think, and I'm probably going to rate this one highly as a result.
Thank you for entering!
(*car salesman slaps roof of car*)
Now, this is the part of the review that I honestly did not look forward to writing. Because there's no way I can make it sound the slightest bit objective when I say that the jokes here felt more on the amusing side of the spectrum rather than laugh-out-loud funny. Maybe it's just because I've been reading ponyfics for more than ten years now, but a lot of the comedic beats and character deconstructions (especially Rainbow's) do feel familiar in a way that takes the edge off of the humor.
That's really the absolute worst I can say about this piece, though. In pretty much any other aspect I can think of, you've done a solid job I think, and I'm probably going to rate this one highly as a result.
Thank you for entering!
I'll have to open with the caveat that I have not seen even a minute of the Gen-5 stuff, so this story is serving as my introduction to Sunny Starscout and Queen Opaline Arcana. So, unfortunately, there's probably a lot of context that's just straight-up going over my head.
Now that being said, I really like the scale of the character conflict of this piece. While I can't really comment on Sunny or Opaline, Twilight has got some nice character beats, especially the bit with her casually muzzling a supervillain just because Twilight's such a goody-two-shoes for the rules that she doesn't want to get tempted into breaking causality. Great little moment.
I think what's holding this story back for me the most (outside of not knowing two-thirds of the cast :P) is the payoff and pacing. As soon as we know we're dealing with flash-forward time travel, there's really no more development of that premise. The only additional thing that happens at the end is the reversal of the situation, but by then your wordcount is so stretched that you only have 100 words to introduce, develop, and payoff on this element. This is absolutely breakneck IMO.
Maybe there's an additional piece of next-gen content that contextualizes this in a meaningful way. But just from my own perspective, I almost wish the story spent its time with just one time-travel and focused its resolution there.
But I think it's clear that you wanted to have the ending be a reflection of the opening from the very beginning of the writing process. I think I can see what you were going for, and I like a lot of the character moments, even if the whole thing didn't quite nail its overall payoff for me.
Thank you for writing!
Now that being said, I really like the scale of the character conflict of this piece. While I can't really comment on Sunny or Opaline, Twilight has got some nice character beats, especially the bit with her casually muzzling a supervillain just because Twilight's such a goody-two-shoes for the rules that she doesn't want to get tempted into breaking causality. Great little moment.
I think what's holding this story back for me the most (outside of not knowing two-thirds of the cast :P) is the payoff and pacing. As soon as we know we're dealing with flash-forward time travel, there's really no more development of that premise. The only additional thing that happens at the end is the reversal of the situation, but by then your wordcount is so stretched that you only have 100 words to introduce, develop, and payoff on this element. This is absolutely breakneck IMO.
Maybe there's an additional piece of next-gen content that contextualizes this in a meaningful way. But just from my own perspective, I almost wish the story spent its time with just one time-travel and focused its resolution there.
But I think it's clear that you wanted to have the ending be a reflection of the opening from the very beginning of the writing process. I think I can see what you were going for, and I like a lot of the character moments, even if the whole thing didn't quite nail its overall payoff for me.
Thank you for writing!
I'm pretty sure this story set out to try to be the wildest, craziest entry of the bunch, and I'm pretty sure it succeeded. From almost the very first line all the way to the very end, this was a roller coaster that consistently slapped expectations in the face.
This definitely excels at being wacky, but I'm not sure how well that translates into humor for me. Unfortunately, the jokes didn't really land for me. There's something about these kinds of absurdist, surreal comedies that don't usually find purchase with me, and I'm still not sure if it's because I just personally don't jive with them or if they're objectively that much harder to pull off than other kinds of comedy. I think that when you throw any semblance of expectations or boundaries into the wind, it becomes harder to establish the escalating sense of ridiculousness that a lot of comedies are based around.
Like I said before, I'm no big fan of my own ability to judge and review comedy, so all I can definitively say is that this one didn't quite hit for me. I wish I could go into the reasons more without simply spouting on about my personal tastes in comedy, but I hope this helps with understanding how my particular experience went.
Thank you for writing!
This definitely excels at being wacky, but I'm not sure how well that translates into humor for me. Unfortunately, the jokes didn't really land for me. There's something about these kinds of absurdist, surreal comedies that don't usually find purchase with me, and I'm still not sure if it's because I just personally don't jive with them or if they're objectively that much harder to pull off than other kinds of comedy. I think that when you throw any semblance of expectations or boundaries into the wind, it becomes harder to establish the escalating sense of ridiculousness that a lot of comedies are based around.
Like I said before, I'm no big fan of my own ability to judge and review comedy, so all I can definitively say is that this one didn't quite hit for me. I wish I could go into the reasons more without simply spouting on about my personal tastes in comedy, but I hope this helps with understanding how my particular experience went.
Thank you for writing!
I can always appreciate a bit of fun banter between Best Sisters. Their back and forth here comes across really smoothly, which is great considering that this makes up most of the raw word count of the story.
It is a little unfortunate for me that most of the jokes didn't quite land their mark. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the level of ridiculousness never really has the room to swell to an expected degree. I think we spend a lot of our word count before we even learn about the "presumed dead" situation, and then another big chunk goes into the sisters blaming each other in a way that feels really familiar for fics of this kind of subject.
The last joke of having big gaudy symbols made to commemorate princesses who aren't actually dead is a pretty great idea, but by then there's really not enough pure wordcount to elevate this idea to the emotional absurdity it needs for the joke to live up to its potential. The pacing constraints of minifics can be really brutal, and I think this story gets the worse end of the deal in many ways.
So while the story reads quite easily, courtesy of your great dialogue and prose, I did not engage with the jokes quite as much as I wanted to. I think I really want to like this piece a lot more than I did, so I'm curious to see how these jokes landed with other reviewers.
Also, I suck at writing, reading, and reviewing comedies. So take my uneducated opinions with a grain of salt.
Thank you for entering!
It is a little unfortunate for me that most of the jokes didn't quite land their mark. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the level of ridiculousness never really has the room to swell to an expected degree. I think we spend a lot of our word count before we even learn about the "presumed dead" situation, and then another big chunk goes into the sisters blaming each other in a way that feels really familiar for fics of this kind of subject.
The last joke of having big gaudy symbols made to commemorate princesses who aren't actually dead is a pretty great idea, but by then there's really not enough pure wordcount to elevate this idea to the emotional absurdity it needs for the joke to live up to its potential. The pacing constraints of minifics can be really brutal, and I think this story gets the worse end of the deal in many ways.
So while the story reads quite easily, courtesy of your great dialogue and prose, I did not engage with the jokes quite as much as I wanted to. I think I really want to like this piece a lot more than I did, so I'm curious to see how these jokes landed with other reviewers.
Also, I suck at writing, reading, and reviewing comedies. So take my uneducated opinions with a grain of salt.
Thank you for entering!
Okay, so this one's definitely one of my favorites from this round. The prose feels really good in that it gets the heck out of the way and lets the dialogue carry the piece. I think you've also selected great characters for a dialogue-heavy piece—AJ and Dash's effortless give-and-take dynamic really helps an otherwise mundane conversation feel like it's full of meaning.
My only qualm is probably a bit of a personal one. I think you might have chosen to err on the side of being subtle with this story's theme/message, but I really think you could have been just a little more overt with it. I especially wished we could see Dash's reaction to that last line from AJ. We never really get a sense of how Dash is reacting to what AJ's saying: the last few times she does something in this fic, she's "scrunch[ing] her nose" or "waiting for Applejack to finish." The crux of the conflict of this story rests a lot on how much Dash agrees with with AJ's concerns, so it's a little funny to me that you've ended things where they did without telling us a little bit more about Dash's mindset. Normally, I'd chalk something like this up to the minific wordcount, but you've actually still got almost a hundred more words, so this must have been intentional.
Honestly though, spelling out your message with a neon sign might just kill the mood of a subtle piece like this, so I can definitely see why you went the route you did. Still, the story definitely engaged me from beginning to end and also left me wanting more, which in my book is a great metric for judging if a minific did its job.
Thanks for entering!
My only qualm is probably a bit of a personal one. I think you might have chosen to err on the side of being subtle with this story's theme/message, but I really think you could have been just a little more overt with it. I especially wished we could see Dash's reaction to that last line from AJ. We never really get a sense of how Dash is reacting to what AJ's saying: the last few times she does something in this fic, she's "scrunch[ing] her nose" or "waiting for Applejack to finish." The crux of the conflict of this story rests a lot on how much Dash agrees with with AJ's concerns, so it's a little funny to me that you've ended things where they did without telling us a little bit more about Dash's mindset. Normally, I'd chalk something like this up to the minific wordcount, but you've actually still got almost a hundred more words, so this must have been intentional.
Honestly though, spelling out your message with a neon sign might just kill the mood of a subtle piece like this, so I can definitely see why you went the route you did. Still, the story definitely engaged me from beginning to end and also left me wanting more, which in my book is a great metric for judging if a minific did its job.
Thanks for entering!
I'm glad people seemed to enjoy this one!
This was an idea that has been banging around in my head for more than two years now, so it felt good to finally get it out of my brain and make it real. The central twist of Dulcinea (Lestie) eventually becoming Princess Celestia was something that was always part of the brainstorming for this piece (because I CANNOT stop writing about Celestia). A lot of the other smaller details (like the names Donkey Oaty [Don Quixote] and Sir Vantage [Cervantes]) I also came up with pretty early on, but the general bulk of the story didn't exist until I outlined it on the first day of writing. It was super fun to do, especially since I haven't done any creative writing since my last Writeoff entry two years ago.
... And yes, I ran out of words so, so, SO fucking hard on this one. I budgeted about 1K words per scene, and I knew that I had completely ruined that plan within a few hundred words of the first scene. Well, this isn't the first writeoff that I've desperately wished for more words, and it probably won't be the last. :P
>>Anonymous Potato
I should be taken to the back room and shot for the crimes that I've committed against Scots. If you want to see a really good integration of Scots into a pony story, check out Carabas's Palaververse! Really cool worldbuilding with many sapient species, including raiding warflocks of large, sentient corvid birds who speak Scots. I tried to imitate/ape it as much as I could, but I certainly didn't do a good job, IMO.
That makes me a very happy person to read. Thank you for leaving your thoughts, and I'm glad you liked it!!
>>Misternick
Happy you liked it! And yeah, in terms of editing, this definitely needed another spot-check or three. I actually removed about 200 words (most of which in a single deleted paragraph) to get me back under the word count, but if I had been aware of how many missing words (and un-spaced periods) that were still left in the text, I think I might have cried, haha.
>>Griseus
Ha! I get to recommend the hell out of Carabas's Palaververse for the second time in one post! Seriously, it has a really cool take on donkey magic and worldbuilding, and I even stole the name for the donkey nation (Asinia) from there. Check it out if you haven't!
Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm super glad that you liked it!
This was an idea that has been banging around in my head for more than two years now, so it felt good to finally get it out of my brain and make it real. The central twist of Dulcinea (Lestie) eventually becoming Princess Celestia was something that was always part of the brainstorming for this piece (because I CANNOT stop writing about Celestia). A lot of the other smaller details (like the names Donkey Oaty [Don Quixote] and Sir Vantage [Cervantes]) I also came up with pretty early on, but the general bulk of the story didn't exist until I outlined it on the first day of writing. It was super fun to do, especially since I haven't done any creative writing since my last Writeoff entry two years ago.
... And yes, I ran out of words so, so, SO fucking hard on this one. I budgeted about 1K words per scene, and I knew that I had completely ruined that plan within a few hundred words of the first scene. Well, this isn't the first writeoff that I've desperately wished for more words, and it probably won't be the last. :P
>>Anonymous Potato
I can’t speak Scottish, so I have no idea whether your execution should be applauded or demanded.
I should be taken to the back room and shot for the crimes that I've committed against Scots. If you want to see a really good integration of Scots into a pony story, check out Carabas's Palaververse! Really cool worldbuilding with many sapient species, including raiding warflocks of large, sentient corvid birds who speak Scots. I tried to imitate/ape it as much as I could, but I certainly didn't do a good job, IMO.
Secondly, the ending caught me completely off guard. Don’t know if it’s going to do that with everyone, but personally, I was blown away.
That makes me a very happy person to read. Thank you for leaving your thoughts, and I'm glad you liked it!!
>>Misternick
Happy you liked it! And yeah, in terms of editing, this definitely needed another spot-check or three. I actually removed about 200 words (most of which in a single deleted paragraph) to get me back under the word count, but if I had been aware of how many missing words (and un-spaced periods) that were still left in the text, I think I might have cried, haha.
>>Griseus
I'm a fan of donkeys and mules. Bias as hell here.
Ha! I get to recommend the hell out of Carabas's Palaververse for the second time in one post! Seriously, it has a really cool take on donkey magic and worldbuilding, and I even stole the name for the donkey nation (Asinia) from there. Check it out if you haven't!
Also felt something for the characters and it was another reason why I picked this as the best. Excellent job on the whole thing.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm super glad that you liked it!
I think my favorite part of this piece is her pose and figure. Both look natural to me, despite the shortcuts that the piece takes by hiding her waist. The shading also looks pretty good, with just a couple of exceptions (like the inside of her skirt). I think the part that could have definitely used the most work is her hair, which just doesn't quite have enough detail or movement in it to really mesh well with the rest of the piece. But I think everything else more or less does its job.
Thanks for drawing!
Thanks for drawing!
I love the expression here and how disheveled she looks. The perspective work on the teacup also feels super nice to me, as does the expressiveness in the curve of her wing. Now, I think the only thing I'd like to note kinda threw me off was the shape of her mane, which for some reason didn't click to me as Rainbow Dash's until a couple of moments of looking, which meant I had a bit of trouble recognizing her at first. But really, other than that nitpick I think this works really well. Every time I've tried to draw ponies, I really can't get their faces to emote right, so I'm impressed with what you were able to accomplish here.
Thanks for entering!
Thanks for entering!
And again, it really makes it happy to see art of my entry, so that you so much for drawing!! :)
Another piece inspired by the Picasso, I think, though this one is definitely more liberal with its interpretation. I really like your lines/shading/crosshatching(?), especially around the two characters themselves. It really gives the sense of expressive details in the negative space, despite the simplicity. Overall, just really good, I think.
Thank you for drawing!
Another piece inspired by the Picasso, I think, though this one is definitely more liberal with its interpretation. I really like your lines/shading/crosshatching(?), especially around the two characters themselves. It really gives the sense of expressive details in the negative space, despite the simplicity. Overall, just really good, I think.
Thank you for drawing!
First off, thank you for doing art of my story!!
I actually kinda did have the feeling that I might see a take on Picasso's Don Quixote, and I have to say that this is really neat! I actually had to look up the original because I couldn't tell at a glance whether this was an entirely new drawing (which it is!) or if it was an edit of the original. In any case, you did a great job of evoking the piece in question. To my entirely untrained eye, this also looks like it could have been a physical piece using a felt-point marker? if so, that's doubly impressive, since you lacked the ability to Ctrl-Z (my personal favorite drawing technique :P).
Thanks for entering!
I actually kinda did have the feeling that I might see a take on Picasso's Don Quixote, and I have to say that this is really neat! I actually had to look up the original because I couldn't tell at a glance whether this was an entirely new drawing (which it is!) or if it was an edit of the original. In any case, you did a great job of evoking the piece in question. To my entirely untrained eye, this also looks like it could have been a physical piece using a felt-point marker? if so, that's doubly impressive, since you lacked the ability to Ctrl-Z (my personal favorite drawing technique :P).
Thanks for entering!
A simple premise executed cleanly. I think the only thing I'd suggest altering would be the movement/swoosh lines. The fact that they're connected to the hoofmark itself made me think for a moment that we're seeing the whole hoof and the leg. Making it so that not all of the lines fully connect with the lines of the hoofprint might better convey that these are motion lines. Other than that, though, I've got nothing to criticize.
Thanks for drawing!
Thanks for drawing!
I really like the starry night sky background, the Ferris wheel, and the castle. They all feel super evocative in a way that meshes well with the relatively simplicity of the lines themselves. There are a few shapes, though, that I don't really understand, like the ovally red one near the foreground. Speaking of which, I do really like how simply and easily the piece conveys a sense of depth and perspective.
Thanks for drawing!
Thanks for drawing!
>>Misternick
I think I'd actually agree with this. I mentioned that I got a bit thrown off by the cold cut into dialogue. Having two (and a half?) conversations going on at the same time is definitely a little disorienting the first time around. It might help if it gave us a little bit of concrete scene-setting before giving us the main back-and-forth between Fleur and Lilly. On my first read, I definitely thought I was missing something.
If I'm being honest the first time I read it I got rather confused (honestly probably more of a me thing) with the first section of dialog
I think I'd actually agree with this. I mentioned that I got a bit thrown off by the cold cut into dialogue. Having two (and a half?) conversations going on at the same time is definitely a little disorienting the first time around. It might help if it gave us a little bit of concrete scene-setting before giving us the main back-and-forth between Fleur and Lilly. On my first read, I definitely thought I was missing something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH9nDlBr3b4
You're winning a lot of personal brownie points from me, because I like Man of La Mancha, and I love Celestia stories.. And I think your prose does a decent job of staying out of the way, although every now and then there is an occasional tense slip as you jump between present and past tense.
Your biggest issue is definitely the fact that it's pretty obvious you ran out of words really, really hard. Your first couple of scenes are about two thousand words each, contrasting with your last several that are barely 200 words each. It's really disappointing that the ending doesn't get as much development than the opening. Word count management really is an important part of the Writeoffs--admitedly less so in the short story rounds than in the minific rounds, but definitely still significant.
Thanks for writing!
You're winning a lot of personal brownie points from me, because I like Man of La Mancha, and I love Celestia stories.. And I think your prose does a decent job of staying out of the way, although every now and then there is an occasional tense slip as you jump between present and past tense.
Your biggest issue is definitely the fact that it's pretty obvious you ran out of words really, really hard. Your first couple of scenes are about two thousand words each, contrasting with your last several that are barely 200 words each. It's really disappointing that the ending doesn't get as much development than the opening. Word count management really is an important part of the Writeoffs--admitedly less so in the short story rounds than in the minific rounds, but definitely still significant.
Thanks for writing!
Okay, so full disclosure, before I read >>Anonymous Potato's review, I didn't even realize that Jet Set, Upper Crust, and Gilded Lily were not OCs. I think I used to be pretty on top of keeping track of side characters, but clearly not anymore. :P
Out of all the entries this round, I think I like your prose the most. You give enough detail to be evocative and descriptive, but never so much that the reader feels bogged down in text. This is something I honestly think I struggle with a lot, and I usually default to trying to make my text feel invisible. But you do an excellent job of making the flow of the text feel like an important part of the reading experience.
There's also a lot of fun in the pseudo-parenting that contextualizes Fancy Pants' and Fleur's relationship with Lily. One of the best parts of this story is definitely the chemistry between the three of them, which comes through very strongly.
Now, one thing that I do wish was a bit more clear is how you set up your stakes. I realize that a purely SOL story doesn't really need a central conflict, but I think it should be pretty clear in setting that kind of expectation in the reader. In this story, we spend a lot of time examining the tension between Jet Set, Upper Crust, and our protagonists, but during most of the first 2/3rds of the story, there isn't very much indication as to how important the resolution of the conflict is going to be in regards to the story's overall payoff. In the end, it didn't end up being that critical to the grand scope of things, outside of giving Fancy Pants an opportunity to give Lily a lesson in modest self-assurance. Most of the story's payoff is in the small moments between our protagonists, but as a reader, I didn't really know that until the end. Consequentially, I enjoyed my second and third readings much better than my first.
If I were to spitball suggestions, I think what I'd do if I were writing an idea like this one would be to open the story with one or two short scenes that feature our main trio but are mostly unrelated to the outing to Equestria-Land. That way, there's some telegraphing that the moment-to-moment beats of each scene are important. The way that the story currently begins (a cold cut into a conversation with underlying tensions) really makes the reader prepare for something more conflict-driven, I think. Feel free to completely disregard this suggestion though; this is just what I would do; I'm sure you'd have different ideas on potential changes.
Anyways, I did really enjoy this story! Thank you for writing!
Out of all the entries this round, I think I like your prose the most. You give enough detail to be evocative and descriptive, but never so much that the reader feels bogged down in text. This is something I honestly think I struggle with a lot, and I usually default to trying to make my text feel invisible. But you do an excellent job of making the flow of the text feel like an important part of the reading experience.
There's also a lot of fun in the pseudo-parenting that contextualizes Fancy Pants' and Fleur's relationship with Lily. One of the best parts of this story is definitely the chemistry between the three of them, which comes through very strongly.
Now, one thing that I do wish was a bit more clear is how you set up your stakes. I realize that a purely SOL story doesn't really need a central conflict, but I think it should be pretty clear in setting that kind of expectation in the reader. In this story, we spend a lot of time examining the tension between Jet Set, Upper Crust, and our protagonists, but during most of the first 2/3rds of the story, there isn't very much indication as to how important the resolution of the conflict is going to be in regards to the story's overall payoff. In the end, it didn't end up being that critical to the grand scope of things, outside of giving Fancy Pants an opportunity to give Lily a lesson in modest self-assurance. Most of the story's payoff is in the small moments between our protagonists, but as a reader, I didn't really know that until the end. Consequentially, I enjoyed my second and third readings much better than my first.
If I were to spitball suggestions, I think what I'd do if I were writing an idea like this one would be to open the story with one or two short scenes that feature our main trio but are mostly unrelated to the outing to Equestria-Land. That way, there's some telegraphing that the moment-to-moment beats of each scene are important. The way that the story currently begins (a cold cut into a conversation with underlying tensions) really makes the reader prepare for something more conflict-driven, I think. Feel free to completely disregard this suggestion though; this is just what I would do; I'm sure you'd have different ideas on potential changes.
Anyways, I did really enjoy this story! Thank you for writing!
Okay, so I absolutely love these kinds of comfy stories that straddle the line between SOL and drama. It's most of what I write, I think, so you've already got yourself many points in my book for your choice of the scale of conflict. There's something stories like this that's fits the MLP really well and is just really satisfying.
In particular, I really like the the way you set up and pace your scenes, in the macro sense. Each scene really does feel like it's got a concrete goal, and as a whole the story spends an appropriate amount of time with each moment or concept that it needs to build up. I think you do a great job of telegraphing to the reader where they are in the story's progression, which can be a really tricky thing to do without feeling like you're giving away the whole story too quickly. The fact that most scenes open with Berry's alarm clock or phone is a nice touch that gives the whole story a feeling of continuity and theme.
Now, I think the area with the most potential for improvement is gonna be your sentence-to-sentence level of construction. Two things in particular come to mind.
Easy thing first, you should really format your scene breaks when you can. The second time Berry woke up to her alarm clock, I read it as though it happened immediately after the previous scene, and I thought that everything before that point had been a dream that Berry was waking up from. To avoid this (and really make sure that the reader is in the proper mindset to digest a new scene) you should use soft scene breaks (empty paragraph, which is 3 empty lines) or a hard scene break (type "hr" between two straight brackets [ ] without the quotes). The other stories in this contest use hard and soft scene breaks, so check them out if you wanna see how it looks and feels. In my opinion, you would probably want to use hard scene breaks for most of these scenes.
As for the harder part, I think it might be good to think about your prose on a mechanical level and consider how you're constructing your sentences. There's quite a few places where you default to using a simple, single-claused S-V-O sentence several times in succession. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these kinds of sentences in and of themselves (I love using them for emphasis and to speed up the perception of time!), but when any sentence structure is repeated many times quickly, it makes for a bit of a monotonous experience for the reader. They might not notice consciously, but they may feel bogged down and disconnected from the story.
A quick self-check you can do is to glance over a paragraph and see how many sentences start with a subject noun. Somebody told me about this trick several years ago (I think it was Pascoite, actually!), and as soon as I realized it, it made a huge difference. Also, try to gauge whenever many sentences in a row have a very similar length (for instance, the paragraph starting with "Berry stepped in and found..."). When there isn't a lot of variety in sentence length and structure, things can start feeling less like a story and more like a blocky list of things that happened.
Try think about how you can vary your sentence length and structure; add 2 or even 3 clause sentences if you want to slow things down and make the reader think about a complex concept. Semi-colons and colons are your friend here, too! I personally can't get enough of em dashes—you can really use them wherever the hell you want.
I know that I spent a lot of time talking about what could be improved, but I really don't want to understate how much I loved the bones and structure of this story. It's really exactly the kind of way I outline my own stories, and I personally think that this is the hardest part of writing at all, and I thought you did a great job with it.
I really hope that you find these thoughts helpful! Thank you for writing!
In particular, I really like the the way you set up and pace your scenes, in the macro sense. Each scene really does feel like it's got a concrete goal, and as a whole the story spends an appropriate amount of time with each moment or concept that it needs to build up. I think you do a great job of telegraphing to the reader where they are in the story's progression, which can be a really tricky thing to do without feeling like you're giving away the whole story too quickly. The fact that most scenes open with Berry's alarm clock or phone is a nice touch that gives the whole story a feeling of continuity and theme.
Now, I think the area with the most potential for improvement is gonna be your sentence-to-sentence level of construction. Two things in particular come to mind.
Easy thing first, you should really format your scene breaks when you can. The second time Berry woke up to her alarm clock, I read it as though it happened immediately after the previous scene, and I thought that everything before that point had been a dream that Berry was waking up from. To avoid this (and really make sure that the reader is in the proper mindset to digest a new scene) you should use soft scene breaks (empty paragraph, which is 3 empty lines) or a hard scene break (type "hr" between two straight brackets [ ] without the quotes). The other stories in this contest use hard and soft scene breaks, so check them out if you wanna see how it looks and feels. In my opinion, you would probably want to use hard scene breaks for most of these scenes.
As for the harder part, I think it might be good to think about your prose on a mechanical level and consider how you're constructing your sentences. There's quite a few places where you default to using a simple, single-claused S-V-O sentence several times in succession. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these kinds of sentences in and of themselves (I love using them for emphasis and to speed up the perception of time!), but when any sentence structure is repeated many times quickly, it makes for a bit of a monotonous experience for the reader. They might not notice consciously, but they may feel bogged down and disconnected from the story.
A quick self-check you can do is to glance over a paragraph and see how many sentences start with a subject noun. Somebody told me about this trick several years ago (I think it was Pascoite, actually!), and as soon as I realized it, it made a huge difference. Also, try to gauge whenever many sentences in a row have a very similar length (for instance, the paragraph starting with "Berry stepped in and found..."). When there isn't a lot of variety in sentence length and structure, things can start feeling less like a story and more like a blocky list of things that happened.
Try think about how you can vary your sentence length and structure; add 2 or even 3 clause sentences if you want to slow things down and make the reader think about a complex concept. Semi-colons and colons are your friend here, too! I personally can't get enough of em dashes—you can really use them wherever the hell you want.
I know that I spent a lot of time talking about what could be improved, but I really don't want to understate how much I loved the bones and structure of this story. It's really exactly the kind of way I outline my own stories, and I personally think that this is the hardest part of writing at all, and I thought you did a great job with it.
I really hope that you find these thoughts helpful! Thank you for writing!
There is not a single 9-to-5 worker who cannot relate exquisitely with the pain of needing coffee. Loving the choice of subject matter. :D
Let me start this off by just making a note that I think comedies are one of the most subjective genres to write, and folks' tastes on them vary wildly. I also think that my own preferences for comedy are a bit weird, so take everything with grains of salt.
First off, I had a great time with your dialogue, especially when it was snappy/punchy. Fluttershy's "Bitch have you lost your freaking mind" was great, and not just because it'll always be funny when she cusses. Similarly, I liked the "Only villains drink that" explanation for why Twilight's acting the way she is.
Inversely, I think the jokes in your non-dialogue prose were a bit more hit-or-miss for me. I'm not sure why that's the case, but it might be because the general tone of the text feels like it has a degree of separation from the events it describes. What I mean by that is, despite this being told in Rainbow Dash's perspective, most of the action statements are pretty omniscient and high-level.
This is definitely not objectively wrong to do; many stories and comedies have a distant narrator. I think the area that caused friction for me was how this high-level detached approach tended to interact with the comedic stakes.
The perfect example for me is when Twilight fires Fluttershy. We get two lines of dialogue that escalate the ridiculousness of the scenario: Fluttershy's "bitch" line, and the actual firing itself. But right after that scene, we get a very matter-of-fact-ly description of Fluttershy bursting into tears and needing to becomforted by PInkie Pie. This strikes me a little oddly: instead of making the situation feel ridiculous and comedic, now I'm almost left wondering if I should be feeling sorry for Fluttershy. On my first read-through, I genuinely thought this might be a point where the story was shifting gears and turning into a serious drama.
Honestly though, I recognize that this is a really, really subjective and personal take on reading comedies, so I'm interested in seeing if any other reviewers have something to say. And regardless of my own quibbles and nitpicks, I really think this has a solid backbone of dialogue here.
Thank you for writing!
Let me start this off by just making a note that I think comedies are one of the most subjective genres to write, and folks' tastes on them vary wildly. I also think that my own preferences for comedy are a bit weird, so take everything with grains of salt.
First off, I had a great time with your dialogue, especially when it was snappy/punchy. Fluttershy's "Bitch have you lost your freaking mind" was great, and not just because it'll always be funny when she cusses. Similarly, I liked the "Only villains drink that" explanation for why Twilight's acting the way she is.
Inversely, I think the jokes in your non-dialogue prose were a bit more hit-or-miss for me. I'm not sure why that's the case, but it might be because the general tone of the text feels like it has a degree of separation from the events it describes. What I mean by that is, despite this being told in Rainbow Dash's perspective, most of the action statements are pretty omniscient and high-level.
This is definitely not objectively wrong to do; many stories and comedies have a distant narrator. I think the area that caused friction for me was how this high-level detached approach tended to interact with the comedic stakes.
The perfect example for me is when Twilight fires Fluttershy. We get two lines of dialogue that escalate the ridiculousness of the scenario: Fluttershy's "bitch" line, and the actual firing itself. But right after that scene, we get a very matter-of-fact-ly description of Fluttershy bursting into tears and needing to becomforted by PInkie Pie. This strikes me a little oddly: instead of making the situation feel ridiculous and comedic, now I'm almost left wondering if I should be feeling sorry for Fluttershy. On my first read-through, I genuinely thought this might be a point where the story was shifting gears and turning into a serious drama.
Honestly though, I recognize that this is a really, really subjective and personal take on reading comedies, so I'm interested in seeing if any other reviewers have something to say. And regardless of my own quibbles and nitpicks, I really think this has a solid backbone of dialogue here.
Thank you for writing!
>>Griseus
Hell yeah!! :D
I got in yesterday, but I'm still doing some spot edits. Editing is endless. :P
Hell yeah!! :D
I got in yesterday, but I'm still doing some spot edits. Editing is endless. :P
I'm gonna try my damnest to get into this one. It's been way too long since I've done any kind of creative writing and two years since my last WO entry. Crazy how time goes like that.
I really like this as a visual prompt. It feels appropriately clean and professional, and it does a good job of presenting a very concrete thought/idea without feeling like it's shoehorning potential authors with plot elements. Very well thought-out and executed!
Thanks for submitting!
Thanks for submitting!
Paging WIP