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The Spring in Her Step · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
Show rules for this event
Night of a Thousand Stars
"Jet Set, old sport, I assure you..." Fancy Pants stood in the foyer, talking into his phone.

"Lily, do please try to hold still," came Fleur de Lis' voice in the parlor.

"I'm trying!" said the girl on the settee beside her.

"...all the best people," Fancy Pants was saying. "'Night of a Thousand Stars!' Come now, bring your radiant bride and we'll make an evening of it. Yes, tell her I said..."

"...aren't we done yet?"

"Finished, Lily."

"Really?"

"No, no. What you mean to say is, 'Are we finished?'"

"All right. Are we finished?"

"We are now." Fleur de Lis handed Gilded Lily a gilded mirror. "Don't you look just lovely?"

The younger girl peered at the glass. Fleur de Lis had coiffed her hair and set it with a bright orange focal gem.

"It's a star spinel!" continued Fleur, sounding pleased with herself. "Do you see? They're very rare."

"Oh, an asterism! Yes! The light is being refracted by crystal inclusions within the stone."

Fleur de Lis blinked, then quickly said, "Naturally."

"I do like it, Fleur. Thank you."

Lily looked at herself a little longer. Her hair and clothes, though beautiful, seemed impractical for a trip to Equestria Land--and uncomfortable besides. She reminded herself that this was a special night; she was eager to impress her uncle Fancy and his lady friend, Fleur. And she'd always wanted to go to Equestria Land.

"Splendid news," said Fancy Pants. "Jet Set and Upper Crust will be joining us tonight."

"Oh," said Fleur de Lis. "Well, we haven't seen them in some time."

"No, indeed," said Fancy Pants with a little smile. "I suppose marriage agrees."

"I suppose," echoed Fleur. She turned to Gilded Lily. "Are you ready, darling?"

"I'll get my bag," said Lily. "Oh, I'm ever so excited!" She went clumping up the stairs in her new shoes.

Fancy Pants called up, "Gilded Lily, please don't run in the–"

She reappeared, breathless, composing a smile and smoothing her stiff taffeta skirt.

Fancy Pants sighed, then offered an arm to each of his companions.

"Shall we, then?"




A large, dark car pulled into the horseshoe drive beneath an enormous sign reading, "EQUESTRIA LAND."

"Equestria Land!" piped Gilded Lily as the driver closed the door behind her.

"This is it," said Fleur de Lis. "The Equestria Land Sartorial Soirée. It is the event of the end of the season, of course. Everyone will be here in their finest!"

Somewhere beyond the high wall there came a rattle, then a roar, then a chorus of shrieking. "Ah yes," said Jet Set, "The real movers and shakers."

Up ahead, a river of silk and linen and lace was pouring through the front gate. As they made their way in, Fancy Pants winked. "What did I tell you? Shoulder-to-shoulder with Canterlot high society."

"Yes, well, I didn't know you meant literally," Jet Set replied.

"We'll be inside soon enough," said Fleur de Lis, and soon enough they were. The entry opened out into a quaint, wide main street lined with little shops, dressed for the occasion in silver spangles and twinkling lights.

"A thousand stars," said Gilded Lily, and her eyes sparkled. "Oh but there must be a billion out there. A million billion. Don't you think?"

"Do you think so?" said Fancy Pants.

"There simply must. If we look at a map of the sky…" Gilded Lily trailed off. She stood before a window display gleaming with scientific instruments of polished brass. There were catchlights caught in the sextant's mirror and the telescope's lens, and there was an orrery turning in its clockwork dance of absolute precision. Lily could have studied it for the rest of the night. But her eyes followed the arrow of an armillary sphere aimed to the right of the window. There beside it was a deep alcove, darkened except for constellations of light that were projected on the velvet blue dome. The stars were moving slowly. Lily began to follow them.

A clamor rose up behind her. "Fleur de Lis! It's Fleur de Lis and Fancy Pants! Over here! Fleur de Lis!"

Lily lurched forward when the bodies around her surged suddenly closer, and two hands caught her shoulders to steady her from falling. Her uncle shepherded her out of the alcove to an almost open space. Fleur de Lis had arranged herself there with her hangers-on, wearing her supermodel face with practiced ease. Perfect cheekbones, eyebrows on point, over the shoulder, now turn to the right.

Lily winced at a burst of bright flashes. When the battery had ended, and the din around them was down to a buzz, Upper Crust spoke up. "That will be terribly unflattering for her," she said.

Fleur de Lis' frown shifted from affectation to annoyance.

"But then, not every shot can be a winner," added Upper Crust.

"As well you know," said Fleur. She turned to Gilded Lily. "Yet we bear up with grace and fortitude. Isn't that right, dear?"

Lily gave a little nod, then stood up straighter. "Right."

"Very good. Come along, now. There's much more to see!"



What they saw, to Lily's eye, was mostly a blur of neon light and jewels and fabrics of every shade and description. An entourage had formed around them, and her view was obscured as they rushed here and there. Well-dressed riders waited and posed outside each attraction, and at each one they all stopped and mingled and cooed over ruffles and flounces and seams.

Lily craned her neck to see the peaks of the roller coaster, peered through gaps between the bodies jostling around her. They never stopped long enough to take anything in. Everywhere she heard, "Fleur de Lis, you look divine!" and "Fancy Pants, you devil!" and everywhere they'd flit and light and chirp and flit again.

Just when Lily's breath was growing short and quick, Fancy Pants spoke over the crowd. "This way."




They formed a little chain, he and Lily and Fleur de Lis, and slipped out into an alley between a lemonade stand and a funnel cake wagon.

Jet Set and Upper Crust emerged behind them. "What's all this?" said Jet Set, and he looked around dubiously. Up and down the packed dirt row, gaudy booths stood crowded together, advertising games of chance and games of skill.

"Just a breather, my lad," said Fancy Pants.

A barker's voice rang down the lane. Plush toys and other prizes hung from nets and clotheslines strung above the games, and Gilded Lily gazed up at them as they passed. At a booth containing a pyramid of milk bottles, she stopped beneath a deep blue horse jumping over the moon.

"Oh, Uncle, look!" said Lily. "Isn't she beautiful?"

"The color scheme is a classic one," said Fancy Pants. "And the whimsical motif is quite pleasing."

"I think she's magic. Could we, Uncle Fancy–I mean–would you? Please?"

Fancy Pants looked up and down the row. "Well," he said, "I did very nearly try out for the cricket squad at dear old Crystal Prep, you know."

"Here we go," Jet Set muttered, but no one paid him any mind. Upper Crust was studying her nails.

"Step right up! You look like a distinguished gentleman--this here's a gentleman's game, sir, easy as you please for a fellow like yourself. Three bits, three tosses, knock 'em all down and win the big one!"

Fancy Pants looked at Gilded Lily. Then he produced three bits and gave them to the man in exchange for a hard leathery ball. His first throw flew wide of the bottles and into the backstop.

"No shame, no shame," said the attendant. "Take another shot."

Fancy Pants set his jaw and tried again. This time the ball clipped the top of the pyramid, toppling a lone milk bottle.

"Good for a trinket," said the man in the booth.

"Really," said Jet Set. "These things are always rigged. You're just throwing away money on some tacky thing."

"She is NOT tacky!" cried Gilded Lily. Fleur de Lis put a hand on her shoulder. Fancy Pants gave Jet Set a look. Turning back, he took a deep breath, came set, and hurled the ball at the center of the pyramid with all his might. The top three rows collapsed, but the bottom row held firm.

Gilded Lily quietly exhaled her disappointment, but she said, "That's okay, Uncle Fancy."

Jet Set and Upper Crust had already moved along. Fancy Pants, a touch red-faced, leaned in toward the booth attendant. "My good man–is there any way–" and he reached into his coat as he indicated the plush horse. But the man brushed him off with barely a glance, back to his pitching at passersby.

They came to where the dirt path rejoined a wider cobblestone way. Fancy Pants was brooding, but Fleur leaned on his arm as they passed under a bridge, and let her hand linger for a moment on the velvet of his waistcoat.

"It was good of you to try, Fancy," she said.

He regarded her with a rueful smile. "It is good of you to say so."

"Oh but we must ride the carousel!" Fleur said loudly. "Mustn't we, Lily?"

"Isn't that a bit childish?" said Jet Set.

"I'm a child!" said Gilded Lily. Fancy Pants added, "She's got you there."



The carousel waiting atop the hill was a showpiece of Equestria Land: it boasted ninety-nine hand-carved wooden animals, each painted in exquisite and laborious detail. An impressive crowd had massed around it, thronging to see and be seen.

"Well," said Upper Crust, "A photo opportunity, at least."

"Find us when you're through here," said Jet Set. "And don't forget we have reservations at Club 44 in an hour."

They went off to find the good lighting while Lily, Fleur, and Fancy boarded the carousel.

Gilded Lily sat sidesaddle upon a great bear, and beside her was a boy her age who was riding a white swan. The boy wore a well-tailored powder blue suit with a starched neck ruff, his hair cut pageboy style just past his ears. The children talked nonstop.

From a few rows back, Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis watched them. He rode on a peacock in its splendor, and she on a green frog in a jeweled crown. In her sequined gown she looked like a starlet right out of old Applewood.

Fancy Pants nodded toward the little boy. "Un petit démodé, don't you think?"

"Fancy! I think it's darling. Look how they get on."

"Where are his parents? Who dressed him? We can't have Gilded Lily–"

"Shh," came Fleur's cajoling breath, like a little wave to the shore. "Relax, my darling. They're only children playing."

Fancy gave a quiet "hmph."

Fleur leaned in close to the crown of her carousel frog. "What's that you say, monsieur frog? What's that, my prince?"

Fancy Pants tried not to laugh when he reminded her that the eyes of Equestria Land were upon them. She smiled demurely and straightened again, and they waved to the people as they went by. Gilded Lily was doing the same, having arranged the skirts of her antique gold dress to best effect.

"I daresay," said Fancy Pants, "There is much that eludes me. I can scarce recall being a child, myself."

"But Lily will," said Fleur. "You're good with her. I see it."

He raised an eyebrow. "Am I?"

"You listen to her. You have patience, but high standards. You are responsible. Protective." She gazed at him. "You have potential."

Fancy Pants blushed.




The entrance to Club 44 was hidden behind a waterfall outside the park's "Canterlot Castle." They were ushered in and seated in a booth that looked down on the rest of the club. It was an intimate space, paneled with dark lacquered wood and upholstered in wine red. A piano was playing on the far side of the room. A candelabra sconce burned on the wall.

There were no menus. Jet Set ordered a bottle for the table–Gilded Lily got a sparkling apple drink with a unicorn swizzle stick.

The food was brought to them one small course at a time, ceaselessly, a parade of taste and texture. There were many dishes Lily did not recognize, and she understood only some of the language the waiter used to describe them, but she sampled each as it was set before her. She felt nervous, her stomach a little twisty, and she ate more and more delicately as the flavors overwhelmed her senses.

"Do try to finish that, dear, it's terribly expensive." The voice of Upper Crust came grating something pungent on her nerves.

"Eat what you can, Lily," said Fancy Pants.

"Let's all eat what we can," said Jet Set. "Money's no object, right, sweetheart?" He took Upper Crust's hand and shook it.

"No, sweetheart, because you're always so wise with our investments!" Upper Crust flashed a sharp white smile.

"I say," said Jet Set, "Fancy, old boy. That reminds me. I have an ear to a very promising venture concerning the lofts downtown–"

"Sweetheart," said Upper Crust, "I don't think our friends want to hear about your ventures over dinner."

"Sweetheart," said Jet Set, "I'm only thinking of their best interests."

"Well I think it's in your best interest to mind your own business, considering the shape it's in!"

Jet Set pounded on the table. Gilded Lily started, and her fork clattered and clanged across the floor. Upper Crust hissed through her teeth. Every head in the room swiveled in their direction, though the pianist never missed a note.

Fleur de Lis tossed her head and bounced her curls and laughed her best stage laugh. "How funny! Oh, that's a great joke." She clapped her hands and smiled at the other patrons. "It was a great joke." They all laughed politely and went back to their meals. "Celebrities," one grumbled.

Lily sat quietly, sinking into the cushioned wall behind her. She felt like part of the décor, pinned and sashed and gilded candelabra-gold. Her feet hurt, and her stomach growled.

Fleur de Lis shifted close to Lily, speaking so only she could hear. "What would you say to a bite of cheese pizza by the boardwalk?"

Lily looked at her gratefully.




Near the base of the steps of Canterlot Castle, they found a cart with piping hot pizza by the slice. Lily sat down and closed her eyes in bliss.

Upper Crust looked around. "My delivery will be arriving now," she said.

"Delivery?" asked Fleur.

"Yes, a special order. I've been waiting all season."

"Always something special, this one," said Jet Set.

Upper Crust ignored him. "I didn't think I'd be wearing it here, but it's impolite to decline an invitation. They've been working to my exacting standards until the last possible minute, and I had to have it rushed over."

The last word nearly died on her lips. All the color drained from her face as she looked straight ahead.

A costumed mascot was striding purposefully toward her. It was a towheaded, cockeyed grey pony with an enormous head, wearing a brown cap and carrying a mailbag. It stopped in front of her and reached into the bag.

"What on EARTH is this?" Upper Crust nearly screeched.

The pony drew out a long garment box (too long for the mailbag, it might be observed) and thrust it toward her.

She took it, bewildered. "I was promised white glove service!"

The pony looked at its hooves, one and then the other, then looked at her and shrugged.

Someone shouted, "Upper Crust! Jet Set! Over here!"

The pony put an arm around her and waved for all the cameras.

Upper Crust wriggled away. "Wait here," she instructed the group, and vanished behind a door in a castle tower.

When she came out, she had bundled yards of fabric into her arms. As soon as the door closed behind her, she let it all spill to the ground, stepping out with her best effort at effortless grace.

"Oh my," said Fleur de Lis.

"Oh dear," said Fancy Pants.

"Oh no," said Jet Set.

Her little touch for the night was a white tulle skirt that spread out in all directions like the topper on a bridal cake. Rows of rickrack were iced around its edges. Improbably, at the foot of the stairs, she twirled.

"What do you think?" she asked them.

"Is that Rarity?" said someone nearby.

"What's she wearing?" asked another.

"Rarity! Over here!"

Fleur de Lis and Fancy Pants took the opportunity to evade Upper Crust's questioning. They turned to see Rarity sitting by herself on a boardwalk bench, eating puffs of rainbow popcorn from a paper bag. She looked up as if surprised by the attention.

She was draped in dusky pink chiffon, with a few pastel butterflies clinging to shoulder and neckline. Her feet were slipped in pink ballet flats, ribbons twined around her ankles.

"Hello, Rarity, gorgeous darling, " said Fleur de Lis. "I thought we might see you here. Are you working tonight?"

"No, not tonight." Rarity held out the bag of popcorn. "I'm people watching."

"Oh!" Fleur's eyes flickered back and forth from her friend to the proffered bag. "Alone?"

"I find it quite agreeable at times," said Rarity. "Won't you try some, darling? I tell you, it's happiness from a kettle."

"Of course, thank you," said Fleur, accepting the bag. She took a handful of popcorn and nibbled at it, then said, "Fancy, you must try this."

His mouth twitched. He reached into the bag and withdrew a single piece.

"Lily?" he asked. "Would you care for some?"

Lily, her face still full of pizza, shook her head back and forth.

"Well," said Fleur to Rarity, "You're always welcome to join us. It's nearly time for the Promenade, isn't it?"

"Oh yes, indeed," Rarity said, with excited eyes. "The culmination of the day! I'd be happy to join you, lovelies."

Upper Crust appeared behind them, accompanied by a great rustling and a bemused Jet Set.

"Good evening," said Rarity. "My, Upper Crust, that look! What a statement!"

Upper Crust smiled vaguely. "You're too kind. And you! Goodness! What a…daring hemline."

Rarity inclined her head. "Too kind, I'm sure."

"It is almost summer, after all," said Fleur de Lis. "Rarity is always one step ahead of the rest." Rarity and Fleur de Lis exchanged air kisses.

Elsewhere in the park, a string quartet struck up a waltz. "I do believe that is our cue," said Fancy Pants. He had finished the bag of popcorn.




They followed a path that wound its way around a series of small ponds, each bedecked with floating candles and blooming water lilies. It led them through gates in boxwood hedges and onto the stately grounds behind the castle.

Lines of people strolled the lanes and gathered in the square where a magnificent fountain took center stage. They walked with smart-looking canes and lace parasols, wore plumed hats and watch chains and shoes with bright buckles. In this orderly setting, with full view of the fashions on display, Gilded Lily could begin to appreciate them.

At the same time, she became aware of how many eyes were focused in her direction. Rarity drew herself upright and said, "It's fireworks time. Let's dazzle them, darlings."

Fleur de Lis and Fancy Pants stepped out together first. The crowd ahhhed at the sight of them. All the lights reflected in the million tiny mirrors of Fleur's gown, as well as in the eyes that Fancy had only for her.

Jet Set came next, stonefaced and forgettably dressed, with Upper Crust's skirt taking up the width of the lane behind him. They had inserted themselves somehow in front of Gilded Lily, who now trailed behind with Rarity at her side.

There was a boom and a shimmer above them, and a rain of gold and purple stars. The music swelled.

"Rarity!" someone called. "Beautiful, darling!" Flash.

"Fancy Pants! Fleur de Lis! Fleur de Lis!" Boom.

"Gilded Lily! Over here!" Shimmer.

A fresh new delight overcame her, and she turned toward the voice that called her name.

Rip.

She felt the tug of tulle beneath her shoe as the rip widened. Upper Crust had stopped short. Now she whirled on the girl, further tearing the fabric, nearly knocking Lily down.

"You little–!"

"I'm sorry!" cried Lily. Upper Crust advanced on her, and with one look at the sea of shocked faces around them, Gilded Lily fled. She fled through the hedgerows and over the little bridges, and had almost reached the boardwalk in her blind escape when Rarity caught up with her.

"Lily darling, Lily please!"

"I'm sorry," Lily repeated, choked.

"No, we can fix this." Rarity looked up as Jet Set and Upper Crust arrived on the scene. She could see Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis behind them.

"I can fix this," Rarity told Upper Crust. "Of course, to mend it good as new I'll need my studio, but just for tonight? I always have my emergency sewing kit, you know."

"Are you joking? This is ruined. I'll have to have a new one made."

"What's going on?" said Fancy Pants.

"I ruined it," said Gilded Lily.

"It isn't ruined, dear," said Rarity.

"It most certainly is!" snapped Upper Crust, "And you most certainly did!" She jabbed a finger at Gilded Lily. "Horrid, stupid little creature–"

"How dare you speak to my niece in that fashion?" Fancy Pants bellowed. Fleur de Lis, breathing fire and glaring daggers, had begun to remove her earrings. Rarity's eyes went wide and darted about, instantly on guard for paparazzi. Gilded Lily stood very still.

Jet Set whipped out his phone as he took a step back. "We're leaving. I'm calling for the car. Now, old friend, you can make this right, right now–I'll even loan you my pen–and then we'll deposit you at home. Or do you want to make your own way back? Perhaps you can squeeze onto the public tram…"

"You needn't concern yourself with us," said Fancy Pants, "any longer."

Fleur hadn't taken her eyes off Upper Crust. Blood gathered in angry points of rouge beneath her skin.

"Out of my sight. Crust. Now."

Upper Crust huffed and Jet Set stammered, and then both of them scurried away and were gone.

"Good riddance," said Fleur de Lis, "Honestly."

She looked at Fancy Pants, but Fancy was looking, pained and helpless, at Gilded Lily. The young girl had crumpled onto a bench, and tears were streaming down her face. Fancy took a step forward, stopped, looked pleadingly at Fleur de Lis.

His beloved went and knelt by Gilded Lily, right onto the ground in her brand new evening gown. He could hear her speaking softly.

"We're not angry with you, my darling. It was an accident. Accidents happen." She dabbed at Lily's cheeks with a fine white handkerchief. "There was an awful lot happening at once, wasn't there?"

Lily raised her reddened eyes to Fleur de Lis. She drew a ragged breath, but said nothing. She stood up, mechanically, and waited. Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis exchanged a glance. Fancy Pants cleared his throat subtly.

"Who's for a hot beverage, mm?"

"Yes, let's," said Rarity.




They found a tiny café just off the main street, and they sat outside by lamplight with nary a soul around them. Fancy Pants set a mug in front of Gilded Lily. "Hot cocoa with caramel," he said. "Your favorite, I recall."

"Thank you, Uncle Fancy," she said. She had said no more by the time they finished their drinks and stood up from the table.

For the first time all night, Lily stared at the ground as they walked. She walked slowly, glumly, for a long time, until Fleur de Lis whispered: "Lily, look."

It was the Wonder Wheel, rising high above the park, the tallest of its kind in all the land. Spokes of light dashed from its center, spelling out a feeling for which Lily had no words.

She prepared to plead her case. "I know I don't deserve it–"

"Do you want to ride the Wonder Wheel?" asked Fancy Pants.

"Very much," said Lily shyly.

"I think we should all go," said Fleur, a little twinkle in her voice.

Fancy glanced at her and eyed the wheel with a split second's trepidation.

"Yes. I agree. Quite."



Fancy Pants escorted Gilded Lily onto a gondola. Rarity and Fleur de Lis sat down in the next one, gossiping gaily.

Lily stayed quiet for a turn of the wheel. On their next ascent she said, "I'm sorry, Uncle Fancy. I didn't mean to cause trouble."

"That was terribly bad form of Upper Crust," he said. "Yet you did not respond in kind. That is a mark of maturity as well as discretion."

"But she's right," said Lily. "I ruined it, I ruined everything. I'm so stupid!"

"Never say that again," he said, a little sharply. Lily sniffed and looked down at her hands.

"Please, Lily. Never say that again." He lifted her hand gently. "This world will tell you many things that are not true. You must not retell them, lest you start to believe."

"Then what do I believe?"

"You are a bright and capable young lady," he said, "and more than that I cannot tell you. I only hope you will learn to trust yourself. And I will do my best to help you be yourself."

They sat in silence as the gondola climbed slowly into the night. Finally Lily said, "Uncle?"

"Hmm?"

"May I start by taking off these shoes?"

Fancy's chuckle was interrupted by a jolt and a sudden stop, leaving them swaying at the topmost part of the wheel. The lights went out, and murmurs rose and swelled beneath them. Lily gasped.

Fancy Pants turned toward Lily, prepared to reassure the girl. "Try not to look down," he meant to say, but he needn't have worried. Lily was looking straight up to the sky.

"It's dark," she said. "It's so dark. Look, there, do you see? That fuzzy glow? That's the Dragon Egg Cluster. It's thousands and thousands of light-years away, full of thousands and thousands of stars. I haven't seen it many times. Have you?"

Fancy Pants looked up for a long while. "No," he said softly.

"There's Ursa Major," said Lily. "My favorite."

"What's that little one nearby?"

She giggled. "Even you know that one."

"I do not! Tell me."

"That's Ursa Minor."

"And the bright star there?"

"Sirius."

"You're very good at this. One more?"

"Okay."

"Up there, the one beside the crescent moon."

Lily studied it thoughtfully. "Mmm…I don't know."

"That one's called Lily."

Up ahead of them, Fleur de Lis stole a glance over her shoulder. Mostly hidden by the darkness, she was smiling. It was not her camera smile, but something softer, warmer. The lights came on and the wheel began to turn again.




On their way out of Equestria Land, they stopped to observe the astronomical exhibit that was empty of parkgoers, now, save for themselves. They watched the late spring stars arcing through pinholes across the domed sky. "A very elegant design, isn't it?" Fancy Pants remarked.

Lily stood at the window, transfixed by the orrery marbles, nearly forgetting the ice cream cone in her hand.



Fancy Pants carried Gilded Lily's shoes in his left hand, while Lily grasped a little telescope in her right. In between they joined hands, their arms swinging gently, and Lily skipped along in her stocking feet while Fancy hummed a tuneless tune.

He watched Fleur de Lis moving lightly up ahead. Rarity was gesturing dramatically about something, jangling her keys, and Fleur's laughter came in a rain of rose petals. Moonlight shone on the bell of her silver gown. Her hair had always had the color and lustre of a pink pearl, but just in that moment, it looked for all the world like a halo of spun sugar.
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#1 · 1
· · >>Bachiavellian
This was a nice bit of SoL. Thank you for writing it.

As someone who hadn’t even glanced at the FiM comics, I hadn’t even heard of Gilded Lily until today. I only just now googled her. You’ve really found yourself an interesting premise that I bet not many people know about.

I like what you did with Gilded and Fleur here. Both as characters were believable, wholesome and likeable. Jet Set and Upper Crust were Jet Set and Upper Crust. 10 points. The snippy back-and-forth between them about their finances was my absolute highlight in the story.

Although, if I may suggest, at the big blow-out scene where UC starts screaming her head off, I imagined that she would’ve gone more for a seething chill than a raging fire type of anger. Like needling Fancy Pants about being a crummy father-figure until he blows a lid.

As a downside, the “point” of the story seems just a bit weak. Granted, it’s a slice of life story so that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel that the conflict of Fancy Pants being insecure about being a bad father-figure to Gilded could’ve used a stim. Nothing big, just something like not being able to get off the phone, so he could help Gilded with getting dressed, despite her wanting him to, for example.

But don’t think too much into that. I’m just thinking aloud with my fingers.

Thank you again for writing
#2 · 2
·
Okay, so full disclosure, before I read >>Anonymous Potato's review, I didn't even realize that Jet Set, Upper Crust, and Gilded Lily were not OCs. I think I used to be pretty on top of keeping track of side characters, but clearly not anymore. :P

Out of all the entries this round, I think I like your prose the most. You give enough detail to be evocative and descriptive, but never so much that the reader feels bogged down in text. This is something I honestly think I struggle with a lot, and I usually default to trying to make my text feel invisible. But you do an excellent job of making the flow of the text feel like an important part of the reading experience.

There's also a lot of fun in the pseudo-parenting that contextualizes Fancy Pants' and Fleur's relationship with Lily. One of the best parts of this story is definitely the chemistry between the three of them, which comes through very strongly.

Now, one thing that I do wish was a bit more clear is how you set up your stakes. I realize that a purely SOL story doesn't really need a central conflict, but I think it should be pretty clear in setting that kind of expectation in the reader. In this story, we spend a lot of time examining the tension between Jet Set, Upper Crust, and our protagonists, but during most of the first 2/3rds of the story, there isn't very much indication as to how important the resolution of the conflict is going to be in regards to the story's overall payoff. In the end, it didn't end up being that critical to the grand scope of things, outside of giving Fancy Pants an opportunity to give Lily a lesson in modest self-assurance. Most of the story's payoff is in the small moments between our protagonists, but as a reader, I didn't really know that until the end. Consequentially, I enjoyed my second and third readings much better than my first.

If I were to spitball suggestions, I think what I'd do if I were writing an idea like this one would be to open the story with one or two short scenes that feature our main trio but are mostly unrelated to the outing to Equestria-Land. That way, there's some telegraphing that the moment-to-moment beats of each scene are important. The way that the story currently begins (a cold cut into a conversation with underlying tensions) really makes the reader prepare for something more conflict-driven, I think. Feel free to completely disregard this suggestion though; this is just what I would do; I'm sure you'd have different ideas on potential changes.

Anyways, I did really enjoy this story! Thank you for writing!
#3 · 1
· · >>Bachiavellian
I had to read this story twice. If I'm being honest the first time I read it I got rather confused (honestly probably more of a me thing) with the first section of dialog and it soured me on it. However, I thought I was being unfair so I read it again. I'm glad I did because it really is a nice story. The descriptions are apt, the pacing is steady and the characters are enjoyable with a nice little lesson for Lily towards the end.

On a personal note I actually sort of felt bad for Jet Set I don't know if I'd wish a marriage to Upper Crust on anybody. Well, maybe Zephyr Breeze but I digress. I also kind of wish that Rarity had jabbed Upper Crust with a pin but that would have taken away from the story overall. Still if anybody deserve a pin in the rump ...

Again... I thought it was a nice story so kudos to you!
#4 · 2
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>>Misternick
If I'm being honest the first time I read it I got rather confused (honestly probably more of a me thing) with the first section of dialog

I think I'd actually agree with this. I mentioned that I got a bit thrown off by the cold cut into dialogue. Having two (and a half?) conversations going on at the same time is definitely a little disorienting the first time around. It might help if it gave us a little bit of concrete scene-setting before giving us the main back-and-forth between Fleur and Lilly. On my first read, I definitely thought I was missing something.
#5 · 2
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Not a fan or hater of the EQ Universe, though rather this have been ponies. This story is a nice slice of life bit that really didn't go too much anywhere. Did have a little bit of a conflict in the 3rd act and was wrapped up nice. Liked the characters except for Lilly. She was just okay. Did get the sense that she was a child, but not really who she was? Setting I didn't give a shit about. Not a fan of Disney world or rich people getting into the over priced stuff. Everything else screams professional done.