I've been following the writeoffs from the sidelines for months now, and finally decided to participate. Sadly, the story I got didn't turn out all that good. So before I submit, I wanted to ask:

Does anyone mind, if I enter a sub-par story? I'd appreciate learning what I'm doing wrong, but I don't want to waste everyone's time either.

It still came down to the wire for me. So much editing...*shudders*

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some wallowing in regret to do.

This was highly amusing. I liked how well the story flowed (it really felt much shorter than it actually was), and the more quirky and unconventional actions (blushing as red as the stamp, Luna shaking him, etc. Those were perfect). The prose was pretty much top-notch.

I'm going to echo Bachiavellian's comment, however. I think you could make the story funnier or "punchier" by shortening the beginning. It's not bad; it does a good job at introducing the protagonist, making him compelling, and showing us the setting, but I think it could be more brief, or should have the conflict come in earlier.

Also, though I doubt it was your intention, I got the impression that Celestia is low-key trolling her sister here by not going into specifics of shipping, which I find endlessly amusing.

Thank you for writing this. You're awesome.

Halfway reading through this, I was genuinely afraid you would turn it into a feghoot. Phew.

First off, very solid entry. Well done author. Secondly, the ending caught me completely off guard. Don’t know if it’s going to do that with everyone, but personally, I was blown away.

I can’t speak Scottish, so I have no idea whether your execution should be applauded or demanded.

The humour was superb. It tickled my funny bone to read Vantage’s description of Donna’s earlier years and family, and in the beginning, I chuckled when I realized that you’d reversed their roles. I also loved Donna's and Vantage's characterization.

Really the only shortcoming I could find in this story was the ending feeling a little rushed. That may have been because of the word limit. If you want to tweak this story, a thousand words or so would let the latter half build up the same way the first one does, and make the ending seem less abrupt.

Also, if I may nitpick, there were some typos. Mainly incorrect tenses, as is usual with present tense stories, but also this:

“Have ye any gold?” she flatly, in a quiet voice.

I can understand you probably had to cut some words to fit the submission requirement, but there were better choices out there (just kidding, everyone knows "said" is an invisible word).

And finally, don’t take my words too harshly, author. I’ve been wrong many times before.

Though I don’t think I’ll be when I say that this one is probably going to win.

(Almost forgot: kudos on the names. Me likey.)

It's interesting that we got two stories that both start with characters waking up this round. If we’d gotten more submissions maybe we could’ve seen a pattern.

This was quirky. I like a good comedy as much as everyone else, and this one definitely had it’s moments. I can definitely see Rainbow's (and the others') penchant for coffee.

Though I wonder what brave fool was the one to introduce it to Pinkie of all ponies.

While I did enjoy the humour, the characters may have been a little too over-the-top for my tastes (more so Twilight than others). Getting the characters right is a problem I myself struggle with a lot, so take this with a grain of salt, but I recommend maybe toning down their eccentricity a notch. Or alternatively going full crackfic and turning it up to eleven.

Those are my personal tastes, though. YMMV.

I would recommend another round of proofreading, though. There were a few typos, but nothing too major. Easily fixed.

Not much else to say. I had fun reading this. Thank you for writing.

Interesting reversal on Lovecraft tropes, good use of vocabulary. While the beginning is fine as is, I thought that you might've gotten a more poignant beginning if you had instead started with this:

The human home of Earth had long been blessed and cursed with such a presence.

(Modified of course).

I could be wrong, just wanted to throw it out there.

Sorry this comes in a little late.

I’m glad that I read this story more than once; the vagueness in some of the characters’ actions and the descriptions became more understandable on that second read through. Take that as you will, but I’d understood that the point of being vague is to eventually make sense, and I think you did that well, seeing as I enjoyed it more the more I read. That's just my opinion, though, and I don't know much about writing.

In any case, thank you for writing this, and best of luck in the future!

I'm going to preface all of my comments with the fact that I don't know that much about writing as of yet. Neither have I looked through others' reviews of these stories. With that in mind:

This was astonishingly well put together. The backstory was well woven in, the dialogue flowed nicely, the descriptions and the characters' actions were thought-out to the detail (especially the details — the story was just rich with those, like Drizzles upending the table they were playing at, and not remembering the spotter's name). Almost everything the reader learns about the characters is shown, and its shown well… makes me wish the story was longer, where the characters themselves were described a little more thoroughly (I'm particularly curious about where Mama Bear got her name from).

I really can't think of anything to improve. Maybe if you made the message in the end tie somehow to the beginning, or hint at it? I don't know, maybe you already did, and I just was too dense to see it — there was so much showing done I might've glossed over it.

All in all, a fantastic story. Thank you for writing.

I'm going to preface this with the fact that I don't know that much about writing as of yet. Neither have I looked through others' reviews of these stories. With that in mind:

Very atmospheric, I like it. The description of the waning sun is unique and captivating, or at least it was to me. There’s not much of a plot going on here as the story seems mostly to be backstory, but I still found it interesting. So, kudos on that.

A couple of things I noticed, however:

The ship overhead had left its tremendous cargo section behind in Vahtane’s stellar system. This section was overseen by seven Windigoes, who were keeping the precious contents frozen to as close to absolute zero as was feasible. Inside were the seeds of new generations of countless animals, birds and fish, along with genetic material for all of Equestria’s sapient races and as many mortal individuals as Twilight and her team had been able to preserve in the limited time and space that was available.

How would Celestia know all this, they way it’s described? I’m probably in the wrong here, but that part stuck out to me — I doubt that Celestia would know that the cargo section was specifically left in Vahtane, if she knew anything about the ship in the first place (depending on what you want to convey).

Secondly:

The ash crunched under her bare hooves as she traveled. Here, the atmosphere was sparse and something that only an alicorn could process, and food and water were absent.

Twilight drew a sharp breath under her force-field gas mask, but did not speak.

Why did Twilight need the gas mask, if she’s a grown alicorn now? Have I misunderstood something?

Anyways, these are very, very minor gripes (and I’m sorry in advance if I'm wrong). The story’s really good.

Thank you for writing.

Okay, I haven’t yet read the other comments. Here’s some thoughts from an amateur:

What separates this story from the most is the development of Tempest, which seems to be the driving point of the story. Character development, yay! I think it was handled quite well, especially the way Tempest tried to "cheat" her way through the fire. I liked the imagery too (the image of the Storm King behind a wall of fire is burned in my mind — less is sometimes more).

But if there’s something I would've added, it would've been a few lines describing the throne room (just one or two should be enough). After the beginning I felt like I almost had a clearer picture of Tempest’s cage than the throne room... although that may have been just me.

Anyway, well done, this story is pretty darn good. Thank you for writing.