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Interesting reversal on Lovecraft tropes, good use of vocabulary. While the beginning is fine as is, I thought that you might've gotten a more poignant beginning if you had instead started with this:
(Modified of course).
I could be wrong, just wanted to throw it out there.
The human home of Earth had long been blessed and cursed with such a presence.
(Modified of course).
I could be wrong, just wanted to throw it out there.
It's interesting that we got two stories that both start with characters waking up this round. If we’d gotten more submissions maybe we could’ve seen a pattern.
This was quirky. I like a good comedy as much as everyone else, and this one definitely had it’s moments. I can definitely see Rainbow's (and the others') penchant for coffee.
Though I wonder what brave fool was the one to introduce it to Pinkie of all ponies.
While I did enjoy the humour, the characters may have been a little too over-the-top for my tastes (more so Twilight than others). Getting the characters right is a problem I myself struggle with a lot, so take this with a grain of salt, but I recommend maybe toning down their eccentricity a notch. Or alternatively going full crackfic and turning it up to eleven.
Those are my personal tastes, though. YMMV.
I would recommend another round of proofreading, though. There were a few typos, but nothing too major. Easily fixed.
Not much else to say. I had fun reading this. Thank you for writing.
This was quirky. I like a good comedy as much as everyone else, and this one definitely had it’s moments. I can definitely see Rainbow's (and the others') penchant for coffee.
Though I wonder what brave fool was the one to introduce it to Pinkie of all ponies.
While I did enjoy the humour, the characters may have been a little too over-the-top for my tastes (more so Twilight than others). Getting the characters right is a problem I myself struggle with a lot, so take this with a grain of salt, but I recommend maybe toning down their eccentricity a notch. Or alternatively going full crackfic and turning it up to eleven.
Those are my personal tastes, though. YMMV.
I would recommend another round of proofreading, though. There were a few typos, but nothing too major. Easily fixed.
Not much else to say. I had fun reading this. Thank you for writing.
It’s been a while since I’ve read a good Berry Punch story. Thank you for this.
First off, I love how you’ve fleshed out her character. You’ve thought up an entire character arc almost. It was indeed interesting to find out how these characters could have grown.
I'm loath to say, however, that I feel this story could use a similar treatment as the first. It takes a while for the story to properly get to its “point” in my opinion.
I would recommend cutting some of the more redundant actions and descriptions in the beginning. Show don’t tell, as it were. You could also maybe make it clearer earlier on what the story is going to be about, or at the very least hint at it.
If you did, then you may smack me in the head with a restaurant platter, because I must have been still asleep when I read.
None of what I said is a deal breaker though; the story is still quite enjoyable as is. But if you were planning on improving upon it, these would be my suggestions.
Not much else to say, I'm afraid. Thank you again for writing.
First off, I love how you’ve fleshed out her character. You’ve thought up an entire character arc almost. It was indeed interesting to find out how these characters could have grown.
I'm loath to say, however, that I feel this story could use a similar treatment as the first. It takes a while for the story to properly get to its “point” in my opinion.
I would recommend cutting some of the more redundant actions and descriptions in the beginning. Show don’t tell, as it were. You could also maybe make it clearer earlier on what the story is going to be about, or at the very least hint at it.
If you did, then you may smack me in the head with a restaurant platter, because I must have been still asleep when I read.
None of what I said is a deal breaker though; the story is still quite enjoyable as is. But if you were planning on improving upon it, these would be my suggestions.
Not much else to say, I'm afraid. Thank you again for writing.
Halfway reading through this, I was genuinely afraid you would turn it into a feghoot. Phew.
First off, very solid entry. Well done author. Secondly, the ending caught me completely off guard. Don’t know if it’s going to do that with everyone, but personally, I was blown away.
I can’t speak Scottish, so I have no idea whether your execution should be applauded or demanded.
The humour was superb. It tickled my funny bone to read Vantage’s description of Donna’s earlier years and family, and in the beginning, I chuckled when I realized that you’d reversed their roles. I also loved Donna's and Vantage's characterization.
Really the only shortcoming I could find in this story was the ending feeling a little rushed. That may have been because of the word limit. If you want to tweak this story, a thousand words or so would let the latter half build up the same way the first one does, and make the ending seem less abrupt.
Also, if I may nitpick, there were some typos. Mainly incorrect tenses, as is usual with present tense stories, but also this:
I can understand you probably had to cut some words to fit the submission requirement, but there were better choices out there (just kidding, everyone knows "said" is an invisible word).
And finally, don’t take my words too harshly, author. I’ve been wrong many times before.
Though I don’t think I’ll be when I say that this one is probably going to win.
(Almost forgot: kudos on the names. Me likey.)
First off, very solid entry. Well done author. Secondly, the ending caught me completely off guard. Don’t know if it’s going to do that with everyone, but personally, I was blown away.
I can’t speak Scottish, so I have no idea whether your execution should be applauded or demanded.
The humour was superb. It tickled my funny bone to read Vantage’s description of Donna’s earlier years and family, and in the beginning, I chuckled when I realized that you’d reversed their roles. I also loved Donna's and Vantage's characterization.
Really the only shortcoming I could find in this story was the ending feeling a little rushed. That may have been because of the word limit. If you want to tweak this story, a thousand words or so would let the latter half build up the same way the first one does, and make the ending seem less abrupt.
Also, if I may nitpick, there were some typos. Mainly incorrect tenses, as is usual with present tense stories, but also this:
“Have ye any gold?” she flatly, in a quiet voice.
I can understand you probably had to cut some words to fit the submission requirement, but there were better choices out there (just kidding, everyone knows "said" is an invisible word).
And finally, don’t take my words too harshly, author. I’ve been wrong many times before.
Though I don’t think I’ll be when I say that this one is probably going to win.
(Almost forgot: kudos on the names. Me likey.)
This was a nice bit of SoL. Thank you for writing it.
As someone who hadn’t even glanced at the FiM comics, I hadn’t even heard of Gilded Lily until today. I only just now googled her. You’ve really found yourself an interesting premise that I bet not many people know about.
I like what you did with Gilded and Fleur here. Both as characters were believable, wholesome and likeable. Jet Set and Upper Crust were Jet Set and Upper Crust. 10 points. The snippy back-and-forth between them about their finances was my absolute highlight in the story.
Although, if I may suggest, at the big blow-out scene where UC starts screaming her head off, I imagined that she would’ve gone more for a seething chill than a raging fire type of anger. Like needling Fancy Pants about being a crummy father-figure until he blows a lid.
As a downside, the “point” of the story seems just a bit weak. Granted, it’s a slice of life story so that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel that the conflict of Fancy Pants being insecure about being a bad father-figure to Gilded could’ve used a stim. Nothing big, just something like not being able to get off the phone, so he could help Gilded with getting dressed, despite her wanting him to, for example.
But don’t think too much into that. I’m just thinking aloud with my fingers.
Thank you again for writing
As someone who hadn’t even glanced at the FiM comics, I hadn’t even heard of Gilded Lily until today. I only just now googled her. You’ve really found yourself an interesting premise that I bet not many people know about.
I like what you did with Gilded and Fleur here. Both as characters were believable, wholesome and likeable. Jet Set and Upper Crust were Jet Set and Upper Crust. 10 points. The snippy back-and-forth between them about their finances was my absolute highlight in the story.
Although, if I may suggest, at the big blow-out scene where UC starts screaming her head off, I imagined that she would’ve gone more for a seething chill than a raging fire type of anger. Like needling Fancy Pants about being a crummy father-figure until he blows a lid.
As a downside, the “point” of the story seems just a bit weak. Granted, it’s a slice of life story so that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel that the conflict of Fancy Pants being insecure about being a bad father-figure to Gilded could’ve used a stim. Nothing big, just something like not being able to get off the phone, so he could help Gilded with getting dressed, despite her wanting him to, for example.
But don’t think too much into that. I’m just thinking aloud with my fingers.
Thank you again for writing
This was neat. I liked how the problem with the "getting into a conflict with somebody else who's mining" was not what I thought it would be. Clever. Thanks for writing.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Roadkill, huh? Poor gecko. He was just trying to make ends meet, talking to drivers about their cars' extended warranty.
Roadkill, huh? Poor gecko. He was just trying to make ends meet, talking to drivers about their cars' extended warranty.
>>Trick_Question
That would be hilarious.
(Also, I kind of thought the payoff would be she's in love with herself.)
That would be hilarious.
Interesting, and cute, in its own show-like way. Thank you for writing this.
I really liked the beginning. It’s short, it’s punchy, and it sets up everything you need, except maybe the setting, which may not even be necessary in a story such as this. It does, however, feel slightly disjointed from the bulk of the story, which is more told than shown.
Prose-wise, the story is good. The text flows nicely, and though it is telly, the narrative voice did not feel too 'dry,' or emotionless, to me. I didn't find any typos, though there may be a few spots that could use a touch-up ("make like a thief and meet up with her beloved…" implies that all thieves are hopeless romantics --- though that could just be me nitpicking).
Good work also on Dash's and Pinkie's characterization.
But if I may ask: why exactly is it so bad for Dash that Pinkie, and everypony else, know that she's dating? I could think of a number of reasons (RD being unnecessarily ashamed, or she has to keep her relationships a secret to avoid any undue publicity because she's a Wonderbolt, etc.) but that reason isn’t entirely apparent, or at least it wasn’t for me on the first read-through (especially since it's explicitly said that Dash doesn't care about ponies gossiping about it). As a reader, I would likely be more invested in the story if that reason was physically shown in some manner.
That’s just my thoughts, however. I enjoyed the story as it was, and I want you to know that, author, whatever you choose to do.
Again, thank you for writing!
I really liked the beginning. It’s short, it’s punchy, and it sets up everything you need, except maybe the setting, which may not even be necessary in a story such as this. It does, however, feel slightly disjointed from the bulk of the story, which is more told than shown.
Prose-wise, the story is good. The text flows nicely, and though it is telly, the narrative voice did not feel too 'dry,' or emotionless, to me. I didn't find any typos, though there may be a few spots that could use a touch-up ("make like a thief and meet up with her beloved…" implies that all thieves are hopeless romantics --- though that could just be me nitpicking).
Good work also on Dash's and Pinkie's characterization.
But if I may ask: why exactly is it so bad for Dash that Pinkie, and everypony else, know that she's dating? I could think of a number of reasons (RD being unnecessarily ashamed, or she has to keep her relationships a secret to avoid any undue publicity because she's a Wonderbolt, etc.) but that reason isn’t entirely apparent, or at least it wasn’t for me on the first read-through (especially since it's explicitly said that Dash doesn't care about ponies gossiping about it). As a reader, I would likely be more invested in the story if that reason was physically shown in some manner.
That’s just my thoughts, however. I enjoyed the story as it was, and I want you to know that, author, whatever you choose to do.
Again, thank you for writing!
This was highly amusing. I liked how well the story flowed (it really felt much shorter than it actually was), and the more quirky and unconventional actions (blushing as red as the stamp, Luna shaking him, etc. Those were perfect). The prose was pretty much top-notch.
I'm going to echo Bachiavellian's comment, however. I think you could make the story funnier or "punchier" by shortening the beginning. It's not bad; it does a good job at introducing the protagonist, making him compelling, and showing us the setting, but I think it could be more brief, or should have the conflict come in earlier.
Also, though I doubt it was your intention, I got the impression that Celestia is low-key trolling her sister here by not going into specifics of shipping, which I find endlessly amusing.
Thank you for writing this. You're awesome.
I'm going to echo Bachiavellian's comment, however. I think you could make the story funnier or "punchier" by shortening the beginning. It's not bad; it does a good job at introducing the protagonist, making him compelling, and showing us the setting, but I think it could be more brief, or should have the conflict come in earlier.
Also, though I doubt it was your intention, I got the impression that Celestia is low-key trolling her sister here by not going into specifics of shipping, which I find endlessly amusing.
Thank you for writing this. You're awesome.
Congratulations to all the winners, and a massive thank you to all the participants; I enjoyed reading all your stories. And of course, thank you all for taking the time to comment!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Cadance isn't a blonde.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
Incidentally, this is similar conceptually to another story from a writeoff round three years ago, "Concubine." I'm not implying anything untoward, don't get me wrong, but if this was inspired by it, I think that'd be pretty neat.
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!
>>Bachiavellian >>TerrusStokkr >>GroaningGreyAgony
Thank you all for the kind words, and also congrats to Groaning for the win!
What happened was, I was reading the writeoff entries one day and was particularly impressed by this one story. It gave me an idea, so I whipped this image up in about a day when I had time off and was bored.
I hate to break it to you, however, but I did not draw it completely from my head, and I hope you didn’t vote it higher based on that — as far as I know, these kinds of images are more or less always based on the show (there are vectors that aren't, but those are usually quite different in style). For the more generic poses, there might even exist ready-made templates, though I prefer to always start from scratch, and draw my own.
However, it’s not just a regular screencap, either:
I’d probably call this something of a composite shot (I hope I’m using the term correctly). What I usually do is I take a few screenshots, for this image I had probably four or five, and draw the vectors I need based on them. I then modify what I’ve drawn to make the image work as a whole (such as the hair and the eyes — in the original screencap the eyes were only partially visible, because of hair), and then just wing it with the rest (in this case; the jacket, which went through a number of revisions).
The colours felt fitting. I wanted them to mirror rain or water, in some way. And yes, he is a little on the skinny side, and it was on purpose, just like the overly long wings.
I’ve been doing these for only a little while and to tell you the truth, I can’t draw to save my life. That's why I use Inkscape: it has an "undo" -button. Anyway, I hope you liked it, nonetheless.
Thank you again!
Thank you all for the kind words, and also congrats to Groaning for the win!
What happened was, I was reading the writeoff entries one day and was particularly impressed by this one story. It gave me an idea, so I whipped this image up in about a day when I had time off and was bored.
I hate to break it to you, however, but I did not draw it completely from my head, and I hope you didn’t vote it higher based on that — as far as I know, these kinds of images are more or less always based on the show (there are vectors that aren't, but those are usually quite different in style). For the more generic poses, there might even exist ready-made templates, though I prefer to always start from scratch, and draw my own.
However, it’s not just a regular screencap, either:
I’d probably call this something of a composite shot (I hope I’m using the term correctly). What I usually do is I take a few screenshots, for this image I had probably four or five, and draw the vectors I need based on them. I then modify what I’ve drawn to make the image work as a whole (such as the hair and the eyes — in the original screencap the eyes were only partially visible, because of hair), and then just wing it with the rest (in this case; the jacket, which went through a number of revisions).
The colours felt fitting. I wanted them to mirror rain or water, in some way. And yes, he is a little on the skinny side, and it was on purpose, just like the overly long wings.
I’ve been doing these for only a little while and to tell you the truth, I can’t draw to save my life. That's why I use Inkscape: it has an "undo" -button. Anyway, I hope you liked it, nonetheless.
Thank you again!
I haven't looked at the others' reviews, so I don't know if they caught what I missed. But here we go:
The narrative voice here is good. The prose I found quirky, creative, and original. Good job. Story-wise, I like the idea of Pinkie running the risk of burning-out (fits with her saying she's constantly on fire. Very nice), and the word-plays worked quite well with that. Your portrayal of the characters is pretty spot-on too (I particularly liked the dry humor of Starlight).
Now, I'm still an amateur writer (and a reader, for that matter), so I'm fairly certain I missed something important here, however, I found the entire point of the ring a little questionable. I'll try to explain my thoughts as clearly as possible:
I'm assuming Pinkie got the ring because of the idea of the token, and the wordplay. I also got the idea that she runs out at the start because she feels she messed up (the ‘propose’ word-play). But she then gets the ring back after leaving it behind - on purpose, or not - for a reason that I don't know, and does the same thing again.
First of all, why was the ring important, since Pinkie was not actually proposing? If the ring was just for the wordplay, why did she keep getting it back? If Pinkie didn't realize the wordplay would give the wrong idea, why did she storm off? I suppose you could peg most of that as Pinkie just being Pinkie, and not knowing what to do when she makes a mistake, but to me, that only comes to mind retroactively (it’s not clarified what Pinkie feels she ‘messed up’.) A character making mistakes is fine, if not great even, in terms of narrative, but I wish it'd been explained somewhere, because it didn’t come instinctively to me.
Secondly: why was the sizing enchantment important? The ring, I felt, was already unique enough. It even ties in with Rarity somewhat (her knowing gems and all, though I wouldn't call her a jeweler) - was there a reason here that I missed? Furthermore, I don’t understand how the ring ties into Pinkie? I had thought that if she were to give someone such a token, it'd be something more along the lines of quirky, maybe party-related. (There could naturally be several reasons for this, but I'd appreciate clarification or explanation.)
Lastly, I think the only reason, that is given to the reader, how Rarity knew the ring was Pinkie's is the wordplay - and possibly that it keeps getting lost - which seems a little far-fetched to me, considering she found the ring the first two times by happenstance (if I understood at least that correctly).
Somebody will no doubt correct me on these, so I'm sorry I didn't get what you were going for here. I’m sorry, but if I don’t ask these questions, I’ll never learn.
I enjoyed this story greatly, nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong; any sort of nitpick I had was solely to point out the parts that I felt could use a little clarifying, to make the story even greater. This was really good.
Thank you so much for writing. Have a great weekend!
The narrative voice here is good. The prose I found quirky, creative, and original. Good job. Story-wise, I like the idea of Pinkie running the risk of burning-out (fits with her saying she's constantly on fire. Very nice), and the word-plays worked quite well with that. Your portrayal of the characters is pretty spot-on too (I particularly liked the dry humor of Starlight).
Now, I'm still an amateur writer (and a reader, for that matter), so I'm fairly certain I missed something important here, however, I found the entire point of the ring a little questionable. I'll try to explain my thoughts as clearly as possible:
I'm assuming Pinkie got the ring because of the idea of the token, and the wordplay. I also got the idea that she runs out at the start because she feels she messed up (the ‘propose’ word-play). But she then gets the ring back after leaving it behind - on purpose, or not - for a reason that I don't know, and does the same thing again.
First of all, why was the ring important, since Pinkie was not actually proposing? If the ring was just for the wordplay, why did she keep getting it back? If Pinkie didn't realize the wordplay would give the wrong idea, why did she storm off? I suppose you could peg most of that as Pinkie just being Pinkie, and not knowing what to do when she makes a mistake, but to me, that only comes to mind retroactively (it’s not clarified what Pinkie feels she ‘messed up’.) A character making mistakes is fine, if not great even, in terms of narrative, but I wish it'd been explained somewhere, because it didn’t come instinctively to me.
Secondly: why was the sizing enchantment important? The ring, I felt, was already unique enough. It even ties in with Rarity somewhat (her knowing gems and all, though I wouldn't call her a jeweler) - was there a reason here that I missed? Furthermore, I don’t understand how the ring ties into Pinkie? I had thought that if she were to give someone such a token, it'd be something more along the lines of quirky, maybe party-related. (There could naturally be several reasons for this, but I'd appreciate clarification or explanation.)
Lastly, I think the only reason, that is given to the reader, how Rarity knew the ring was Pinkie's is the wordplay - and possibly that it keeps getting lost - which seems a little far-fetched to me, considering she found the ring the first two times by happenstance (if I understood at least that correctly).
Somebody will no doubt correct me on these, so I'm sorry I didn't get what you were going for here. I’m sorry, but if I don’t ask these questions, I’ll never learn.
I enjoyed this story greatly, nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong; any sort of nitpick I had was solely to point out the parts that I felt could use a little clarifying, to make the story even greater. This was really good.
Thank you so much for writing. Have a great weekend!
I'm not the best person to ask for an opinion, but here goes:
In all its weirdness, this was interesting. I feel like you could potentially even expand upon the idea if you wanted.This story raised a couple of questions that I would like to ask here:
- There is a Tartarus, obviously, which in this instance is a form of afterlife. Is there also a Heaven, where the "good" ponies go to, or do all ponies their equivalent of Hell when they die?
- Follow-up: Character-wise I could see Dash getting sent to Hell. But if there is also a Heaven for good ponies, what does it say about the Elements if their Bearers go straight to Hell when they die? (Sorry if I missed something important here)
Onto the story itself. I liked the flow of the dialogue. It felt natural, and the voicings were great too (I live for Sassy Twilight, so thank you for that.)
I'm not sure how to go about improving this. I think you could maybe compress it or leave some of the less important descriptions or dialogue out; it felt like the plot may have dragged a little, at points. Personally, I don't think the visceral side of things added much either (Both are just matters of taste, though).
(I’m also not certain whether Dash would say “Contrary to popular opinion.” Sounds more like Twilight to me.)
Anyways, I had fun reading. Thanks for writing ^^
Edit: Disregard the questions. I did a dumb.
In all its weirdness, this was interesting. I feel like you could potentially even expand upon the idea if you wanted.
- There is a Tartarus, obviously, which in this instance is a form of afterlife. Is there also a Heaven, where the "good" ponies go to, or do all ponies their equivalent of Hell when they die?
- Follow-up: Character-wise I could see Dash getting sent to Hell. But if there is also a Heaven for good ponies, what does it say about the Elements if their Bearers go straight to Hell when they die? (Sorry if I missed something important here)
Onto the story itself. I liked the flow of the dialogue. It felt natural, and the voicings were great too (I live for Sassy Twilight, so thank you for that.)
I'm not sure how to go about improving this. I think you could maybe compress it or leave some of the less important descriptions or dialogue out; it felt like the plot may have dragged a little, at points. Personally, I don't think the visceral side of things added much either (Both are just matters of taste, though).
(I’m also not certain whether Dash would say “Contrary to popular opinion.” Sounds more like Twilight to me.)
Anyways, I had fun reading. Thanks for writing ^^
Edit: Disregard the questions. I did a dumb.
I don’t know that much about writing (or at least don’t think I do). Please don’t take this too seriously.
What detracted from my reading experience was how different this story would've been, had the characters roles been reversed. Maybe I'm just sexist, but I just couldn't get over the idea how creepy that would've been.
That aside:
There are some funny moments in this. I liked that. It's not all that complex of a story, or that long, but I don't think that such lighthearted stories necessarily have to be. The character voicings are interesting too.
But if you’ll accept an amateur's opinion, I would suggest you break apart some of the longer paragraphs. To me, those were a little cumbersome to read.
Anyhoo, thank you for writing!
What detracted from my reading experience was how different this story would've been, had the characters roles been reversed. Maybe I'm just sexist, but I just couldn't get over the idea how creepy that would've been.
That aside:
There are some funny moments in this. I liked that. It's not all that complex of a story, or that long, but I don't think that such lighthearted stories necessarily have to be. The character voicings are interesting too.
But if you’ll accept an amateur's opinion, I would suggest you break apart some of the longer paragraphs. To me, those were a little cumbersome to read.
Anyhoo, thank you for writing!
I don’t know that much about writing, so please keep that in mind when reading my comments.
This was not bad. I did have, at points, trouble understanding what was going on in the story, as if it was “cluttered” somehow. That may have been just me, though. There were some nice character moments here, but I feel that there's also room for development. Don’t know what else to say, sorry.
Keep at it, and thank you for writing!
This was not bad. I did have, at points, trouble understanding what was going on in the story, as if it was “cluttered” somehow. That may have been just me, though. There were some nice character moments here, but I feel that there's also room for development. Don’t know what else to say, sorry.
Keep at it, and thank you for writing!
Okay, I haven’t yet read the other comments. Here’s some thoughts from an amateur:
What separates this story from the most is the development of Tempest, which seems to be the driving point of the story. Character development, yay! I think it was handled quite well, especially the way Tempest tried to "cheat" her way through the fire. I liked the imagery too (the image of the Storm King behind a wall of fire is burned in my mind — less is sometimes more).
But if there’s something I would've added, it would've been a few lines describing the throne room (just one or two should be enough). After the beginning I felt like I almost had a clearer picture of Tempest’s cage than the throne room... although that may have been just me.
Anyway, well done, this story is pretty darn good. Thank you for writing.
What separates this story from the most is the development of Tempest, which seems to be the driving point of the story. Character development, yay! I think it was handled quite well, especially the way Tempest tried to "cheat" her way through the fire. I liked the imagery too (the image of the Storm King behind a wall of fire is burned in my mind — less is sometimes more).
But if there’s something I would've added, it would've been a few lines describing the throne room (just one or two should be enough). After the beginning I felt like I almost had a clearer picture of Tempest’s cage than the throne room... although that may have been just me.
Anyway, well done, this story is pretty darn good. Thank you for writing.
I’m going to preface this with the fact that I’m now considering animal sacrifices to become this good of a writer. I haven’t found a suitable supernatural entity to whom offer them yet, and I'm doubtful the animals would like that very much, so I’m going to stick to reading and writing for the time being.
I don’t know what to say about this story. I loved how all the plot threads came together towards the end, I loved the idea, and I loved the characters (the "talk nerdy to me" -bit got an actual laugh out of me). Sorry, but I really don’t know how to go about improving it.
Thank you for writing.
I don’t know what to say about this story. I loved how all the plot threads came together towards the end, I loved the idea, and I loved the characters (the "talk nerdy to me" -bit got an actual laugh out of me). Sorry, but I really don’t know how to go about improving it.
Thank you for writing.
Okay, I happened to glance at the other reviews, whoops. What I was going to say would’ve for the most part just echoed their comments, so nothing of value was lost.
I still wanted to say that I loved the way everything was described, and the little details that kept the story interesting (Princess Celestia getting rescued via interstellar claw-game really sold it for me). That and the tension, the adversity: the way the crew had to overcome the obstacles on their way was well handled, and really made for an immersive narrative.
Thank you. I think I might have actually learned something from reading this. (Now watch me forget it in ten seconds flat)
I still wanted to say that I loved the way everything was described, and the little details that kept the story interesting (Princess Celestia getting rescued via interstellar claw-game really sold it for me). That and the tension, the adversity: the way the crew had to overcome the obstacles on their way was well handled, and really made for an immersive narrative.
Thank you. I think I might have actually learned something from reading this. (Now watch me forget it in ten seconds flat)
I'm going to preface this with the fact that I don't know that much about writing as of yet. Neither have I looked through others' reviews of these stories. With that in mind:
Very atmospheric, I like it. The description of the waning sun is unique and captivating, or at least it was to me. There’s not much of a plot going on here as the story seems mostly to be backstory, but I still found it interesting. So, kudos on that.
A couple of things I noticed, however:
How would Celestia know all this, they way it’s described? I’m probably in the wrong here, but that part stuck out to me — I doubt that Celestia would know that the cargo section was specifically left in Vahtane, if she knew anything about the ship in the first place (depending on what you want to convey).
Secondly:
Why did Twilight need the gas mask, if she’s a grown alicorn now? Have I misunderstood something?
Anyways, these are very, very minor gripes (and I’m sorry in advance if I'm wrong). The story’s really good.
Thank you for writing.
Very atmospheric, I like it. The description of the waning sun is unique and captivating, or at least it was to me. There’s not much of a plot going on here as the story seems mostly to be backstory, but I still found it interesting. So, kudos on that.
A couple of things I noticed, however:
The ship overhead had left its tremendous cargo section behind in Vahtane’s stellar system. This section was overseen by seven Windigoes, who were keeping the precious contents frozen to as close to absolute zero as was feasible. Inside were the seeds of new generations of countless animals, birds and fish, along with genetic material for all of Equestria’s sapient races and as many mortal individuals as Twilight and her team had been able to preserve in the limited time and space that was available.
How would Celestia know all this, they way it’s described? I’m probably in the wrong here, but that part stuck out to me — I doubt that Celestia would know that the cargo section was specifically left in Vahtane, if she knew anything about the ship in the first place (depending on what you want to convey).
Secondly:
The ash crunched under her bare hooves as she traveled. Here, the atmosphere was sparse and something that only an alicorn could process, and food and water were absent.
Twilight drew a sharp breath under her force-field gas mask, but did not speak.
Why did Twilight need the gas mask, if she’s a grown alicorn now? Have I misunderstood something?
Anyways, these are very, very minor gripes (and I’m sorry in advance if I'm wrong). The story’s really good.
Thank you for writing.
I'm going to preface all of my comments with the fact that I don't know that much about writing as of yet. Neither have I looked through others' reviews of these stories. With that in mind:
I’m getting nice Divine Comedy vibes off this one. The prose is good. The idea and the plot are very interesting, as are the various characters. I tried to come up with ways to improve it, but in all honesty, I don’t think any of the things that I did would. Sorry.
A well thought-out, well written story. Thank you for writing.
I’m getting nice Divine Comedy vibes off this one. The prose is good. The idea and the plot are very interesting, as are the various characters. I tried to come up with ways to improve it, but in all honesty, I don’t think any of the things that I did would. Sorry.
A well thought-out, well written story. Thank you for writing.
I'm going to preface all of my comments with the fact that I don't know that much about writing as of yet. Neither have I looked through others' reviews of these stories. With that in mind:
This was astonishingly well put together. The backstory was well woven in, the dialogue flowed nicely, the descriptions and the characters' actions were thought-out to the detail (especially the details — the story was just rich with those, like Drizzles upending the table they were playing at, and not remembering the spotter's name). Almost everything the reader learns about the characters is shown, and its shown well… makes me wish the story was longer, where the characters themselves were described a little more thoroughly (I'm particularly curious about where Mama Bear got her name from).
I really can't think of anything to improve. Maybe if you made the message in the end tie somehow to the beginning, or hint at it? I don't know, maybe you already did, and I just was too dense to see it — there was so much showing done I might've glossed over it.
All in all, a fantastic story. Thank you for writing.
This was astonishingly well put together. The backstory was well woven in, the dialogue flowed nicely, the descriptions and the characters' actions were thought-out to the detail (especially the details — the story was just rich with those, like Drizzles upending the table they were playing at, and not remembering the spotter's name). Almost everything the reader learns about the characters is shown, and its shown well… makes me wish the story was longer, where the characters themselves were described a little more thoroughly (I'm particularly curious about where Mama Bear got her name from).
I really can't think of anything to improve. Maybe if you made the message in the end tie somehow to the beginning, or hint at it? I don't know, maybe you already did, and I just was too dense to see it — there was so much showing done I might've glossed over it.
All in all, a fantastic story. Thank you for writing.
Paging WIP