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In Soviet Equestria, The Moon Shoots For You!
The only fear I felt, as I stood under the fiery gaze of the immortal alicorn, was that I might not get a proper night’s sleep that night.
“Your highness, I’m flattered, but—”
“But nothing!”
From the sound of her voice, nopony else was going to get much sleep either. With my luck, they would all be peeking their heads out their windows, straining their ears to hear every little bit that was spoken on the otherwise empty street. “I will have none of it! You will be my consort, and you’re going to like it!”
I should probably start from the beginning.
It was on an arguably normal night a few weeks ago that I was walking quietly homewards. I call it quiet because I was already used to my helmet clanging against my breastplate, as well as all the other utensil-like sounds a full set of armor makes when it’s set in motion. What wasn’t quiet, however, was when a shadow dropped down from the moon, landed in front of me —the crater in the road now being legally reclassified as a holy site— and then proceeded to demand my hoof in marriage.
The same thing happened the next day. And then the next. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and the demands may also have been upped a couple of times.
“Princess Luna,” I said, readying my official ‘guard voice’, “the times have changed. That’s not how you court ponies anymore.”
Luna harrumphed. “Then We shall make it our duty it be so again. After all, is it not within our power to do so?”
“But, Princess—”
“Did we mayhap stutter?”
Sounds of ponies groggily getting up were becoming more and more noticeable. A little distress crept into my voice. “Your highness, you’re disturbing the peace.”
She looked around, noticed the silhouettes gather in doorways, windows and alleyways, and smiled. “Splendid, they shall all bear witness to the holiest of sacraments.”
I really did not want to know what that entailed. Especially with the emphasis she put on holy. “Princess!”
“Loyal subjects,” she hollered, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the polygamous union of Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Selene a—”
“If you stop I’ll give you a kiss!”
Luna’s mind seemingly left her body to fend for itself, forehoof in air and all. It gave me enough time to facehoof for not controlling my mouth, and to evaluate my options for evacuation. “Look. Behind those trees, Princess.” I pointed. “In there, away from prying eyes.”
Luna eyed me curiously. She’d been doing that a lot, having literally dropped down from the heavens each night once my evening patrol was done like clockwork. At least this time her eyes stayed locked with mine. “Very well.” She nodded and followed me as I began making for the edge of a small park just outside the castle.
In the past, many of my guy friends have said how jealous they were of me. Most of the time this was after-hours in a bar or coffee shop of sorts, and I always replied by pointing out that I was a guard. They would then ask increasingly exasperatedly that didn’t I realize that that mare who had brought our drinks had actually been hitting on me? They sure liked to talk about them mares. Two names pop up more often than others, usually spoken with some degree of longing, or desire, with the occasional inquiry on how to get my job just so they’d be that much closer to them. By that point, I’ve usually tuned them out, though.
Why?
I was trotting on a cobblestone path with one of them and the realization that, out of the cobblestones and her, the mare was probably older tended to take away some of the interest in things. ‘Age is just a number’ and all, sure, but when that number was closer to my own grandmother's age than mine, it inevitably resulted in me substituting one senior citizen for the other. No thanks.
And truthfully, I preferred blondes.
I kept walking into the cover of the trees until I noticed her hoofsteps stop following.
“We believe this is quite far enough,” Luna spoke with her usual conviction. Her eyes glimmered in the moonlight expectantly. “Now for what we were owed.”
I blew her a quick kiss. “There. Now can we please talk about this like adults?”
Luna’s lips stayed pursed for a moment before they spread into a wicked smile. “Cunning,” she purred. Purred. I withheld the shudders. “You truly know how to entice your liege.”
“Princess Luna, this has gone on for far too long,” I stated. “For the last time: I’m not interested.”
Unsurprisingly, saying that didn’t work the fifteenth time I tried. Luna circled around me, the smell of rocks and cold starry nights invading my nostrils as much as she was invading my personal space. “Still playing hard to get, I see. You know you cannot resist forever.” I sidestepped away moments before she could tie her tail around mine.
She feinted hip checking me from the side, but I dodged at the last second the pounce she’d actually been readying. I had to use all of my training to evade her incoming bear hug. We kept playing cat and mouse in this way for what felt like half the night, except for the fact that neither of us was really playing.
Luna could be very forward, which she hadn’t yet, believe it or not.
“Stop!” I cried. “Princess, you’re urgently needed in Ponyville!”
Luna chuckled under her breath. “No, my guard. You’re needed in my quarters.”
First time I heard that I ran. Try and guess how far I got, and no taking hints from the ruined fountains.
I stood up straight and raised my forehoof. Guard voice back online. “Princess, this is no way for someone of your status to act! Under the Equestrian Civil Code Title III Chapter 31 Section 9A an Equestrian Citizen is forbidden from—”
*Bonk
I blinked.
Years of intensive training in the Royal Guard had given me, besides a masochistic desire to run laps at five in the morning, the ability to snap-cast a protective shield almost reflexively. I exhaled out of relief, the warm air turning misty on the magical barrier roughly an inch from my face.
*Bonk
“Princess Luna.” I gave her my best scowl, once the shield had stopped reverberating again. “Give me the mallet.”
Princess Luna looked between the magical dome and the six-foot-tall war hammer she was holding. It looked like it had been made out of solid steel and long-extinct races yet, surprisingly, I cared less about where she got it from than why she was actively trying to swing it with her hooves instead of her magic.
“No.”
*Bonk
“Since you have deigned not to cooperate, we will have to ‘knock thee out’, as the youth would say, and then carry thee with us, just as a proper Princess would.” She lifted the hammer in the air again.
Holding up a shield for too long can, sadly, give a unicorn a mighty headache. Mine had begun weeks ago, and I sure as Starswirl wasn’t going to hold it for much longer. “This is ridiculous, Princess.” I hopped to the side and let the hammer hit the pavement. “Why me?”
“Why what?” *Thunk
“Why go through all this trouble for me?”
Luna looked up to the moon. “We are well over one thousand years old, my little pony. We have monitored the world for eons untold, and we have looked.” Her eyes shone down on me like moonlight. “And we hath seen you.
“Oh yes, we have heard all about these ‘guys nights out’ you have. We have seen it with our very eyes: you are respectful, witty, strong, and peculiarly indifferent yet not untoward towards the advances of others. You are not easily pleased, and therefore the only one who can truly have you shan’t be nothing short of a true mare.”
I continued looking disbelievingly at her.
Her eyebrows went up, and her eyes went down on me. “...and you also happen to have most pleasing a flank.”
I groaned. “Princess.”
“Enough! Can’t thou see thine Princess wills it?!” It always got bad when she went archaic. “Nothing and nopony shall stand in our way. For just as we persevered on the moon, we shall pursue thee until thine hoof be mine!”
I backed away, shaking my hooves rabidly. “We can’t, because— because!”
Luna advanced on me. That was another reason why I wasn’t interested in anything beyond professional. A little obvious, actually: she loomed over me, taller despite me being above average height, hoisting a gavel-like hammer that was one twitch away from crashing into my skull ... it was a little intimidating. And to think it’s usually us guys who say that size doesn’t matter.
I tried to run but found my hooves locked in place by a cold blue aura. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Because I’m ill!”
Luna froze. Yes! An Idea!
“Yeah, I’m like super ill.” I feigned coughing into my hoof a few times. Some phlegm went down my windpipe and made me really sell the act. “Oh, what cruelty has befell me. A magical ailment, terminal, can’t be cured. Tonight I will fall into slumber from which I am to never wake again!”
Never thought I’d be so glad for having had practice with role-playing. Worst came to worst, I would just make myself scarce come morning. I’ve always wanted to see Gryffinstone, come to think of it.
The war hammer clanged to the ground.
“Then we must kiss to make thou better!”
I scrambled to keep her away before she could smooch me to death. “That won’t work, Fate itself has conspired to keep us apart!”
Luna scowled, and there were cinders in her eyes. “Fate?”
“Yes,” I finished. “The prophecy said so.”
Neither of us moved. I knew the Princesses were all big on prophecies and what not—I was tempted to add that my sleep would last exactly 1000 years. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.
Luna broke out laughing. The Royal Canterlot Voice made sure they heard her the next continent over. “Hah-ha! Dost Fate think it can outsmart us?!”
My head sunk into my hooves. I’d forgotten.
“If Fate doth not wish us together here, then we shall await thee in. thy. Dreams!” The laughter devolved into villainous cackling. “The fires of love shall burn forever!”
I sighed—a little more aggravated than I’d like to admit— and marched home.
“Good night, Princess Luna.”
I banged the door shut on the way in.
And that was that. That was about the way every night for the past few weeks had gone. I was so deep in thought I tripped on my own set of armor once I was done undressing.
I still had no clue what I was supposed to do. I mean, she was an alicorn, she moved the Moon, she ruled the country— she flipping made sure nopony ever got any nightmares, what could I do? Turning her down had not worked. After finally having gathered the courage, lying had not been any more effective (it didn’t amount to treason charges, luckily). Not going to work at all had resulted in a search party, and to top it all off, Princess Celestia wouldn’t answer any of my letters! All that was really left for me to do was hold on, and hope that this crush of hers went away soon.
For what it was worth, at least my wife was being a good sport about it.
“Who was it, sweetie?”
Sometimes, I swear, it felt like she actually enjoyed it.
“Just Princess Luna again, dear,” I said as I passed the slightly open door with the dim light spilling out. I kept walking until my hooves hit the stovetop and, luckily, a coffee kettle was already laid there. I wasn’t going to sleep tonight, if I could help it, dammit.
Before I could even pour myself a cup, the first of many no doubt, there came a sound. My home has very thick walls, evident from how Luna’s Royal Canterlot Laughtrack couldn’t be heard indoors, so the only reason I could actually hear the bed sheets rustling all the way from our room, was because she wanted me to.
“Honey, come to bed.” Invisible magic tugged at my collar insistently, before moving elsewhere. “I missed you.”
I sighed and started for the master bedroom. Guess I wasn’t safe even in my own home.
“Coming, Cadence.”
“Your highness, I’m flattered, but—”
“But nothing!”
From the sound of her voice, nopony else was going to get much sleep either. With my luck, they would all be peeking their heads out their windows, straining their ears to hear every little bit that was spoken on the otherwise empty street. “I will have none of it! You will be my consort, and you’re going to like it!”
I should probably start from the beginning.
It was on an arguably normal night a few weeks ago that I was walking quietly homewards. I call it quiet because I was already used to my helmet clanging against my breastplate, as well as all the other utensil-like sounds a full set of armor makes when it’s set in motion. What wasn’t quiet, however, was when a shadow dropped down from the moon, landed in front of me —the crater in the road now being legally reclassified as a holy site— and then proceeded to demand my hoof in marriage.
The same thing happened the next day. And then the next. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and the demands may also have been upped a couple of times.
“Princess Luna,” I said, readying my official ‘guard voice’, “the times have changed. That’s not how you court ponies anymore.”
Luna harrumphed. “Then We shall make it our duty it be so again. After all, is it not within our power to do so?”
“But, Princess—”
“Did we mayhap stutter?”
Sounds of ponies groggily getting up were becoming more and more noticeable. A little distress crept into my voice. “Your highness, you’re disturbing the peace.”
She looked around, noticed the silhouettes gather in doorways, windows and alleyways, and smiled. “Splendid, they shall all bear witness to the holiest of sacraments.”
I really did not want to know what that entailed. Especially with the emphasis she put on holy. “Princess!”
“Loyal subjects,” she hollered, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the polygamous union of Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Selene a—”
“If you stop I’ll give you a kiss!”
Luna’s mind seemingly left her body to fend for itself, forehoof in air and all. It gave me enough time to facehoof for not controlling my mouth, and to evaluate my options for evacuation. “Look. Behind those trees, Princess.” I pointed. “In there, away from prying eyes.”
Luna eyed me curiously. She’d been doing that a lot, having literally dropped down from the heavens each night once my evening patrol was done like clockwork. At least this time her eyes stayed locked with mine. “Very well.” She nodded and followed me as I began making for the edge of a small park just outside the castle.
In the past, many of my guy friends have said how jealous they were of me. Most of the time this was after-hours in a bar or coffee shop of sorts, and I always replied by pointing out that I was a guard. They would then ask increasingly exasperatedly that didn’t I realize that that mare who had brought our drinks had actually been hitting on me? They sure liked to talk about them mares. Two names pop up more often than others, usually spoken with some degree of longing, or desire, with the occasional inquiry on how to get my job just so they’d be that much closer to them. By that point, I’ve usually tuned them out, though.
Why?
I was trotting on a cobblestone path with one of them and the realization that, out of the cobblestones and her, the mare was probably older tended to take away some of the interest in things. ‘Age is just a number’ and all, sure, but when that number was closer to my own grandmother's age than mine, it inevitably resulted in me substituting one senior citizen for the other. No thanks.
And truthfully, I preferred blondes.
I kept walking into the cover of the trees until I noticed her hoofsteps stop following.
“We believe this is quite far enough,” Luna spoke with her usual conviction. Her eyes glimmered in the moonlight expectantly. “Now for what we were owed.”
I blew her a quick kiss. “There. Now can we please talk about this like adults?”
Luna’s lips stayed pursed for a moment before they spread into a wicked smile. “Cunning,” she purred. Purred. I withheld the shudders. “You truly know how to entice your liege.”
“Princess Luna, this has gone on for far too long,” I stated. “For the last time: I’m not interested.”
Unsurprisingly, saying that didn’t work the fifteenth time I tried. Luna circled around me, the smell of rocks and cold starry nights invading my nostrils as much as she was invading my personal space. “Still playing hard to get, I see. You know you cannot resist forever.” I sidestepped away moments before she could tie her tail around mine.
She feinted hip checking me from the side, but I dodged at the last second the pounce she’d actually been readying. I had to use all of my training to evade her incoming bear hug. We kept playing cat and mouse in this way for what felt like half the night, except for the fact that neither of us was really playing.
Luna could be very forward, which she hadn’t yet, believe it or not.
“Stop!” I cried. “Princess, you’re urgently needed in Ponyville!”
Luna chuckled under her breath. “No, my guard. You’re needed in my quarters.”
First time I heard that I ran. Try and guess how far I got, and no taking hints from the ruined fountains.
I stood up straight and raised my forehoof. Guard voice back online. “Princess, this is no way for someone of your status to act! Under the Equestrian Civil Code Title III Chapter 31 Section 9A an Equestrian Citizen is forbidden from—”
*Bonk
I blinked.
Years of intensive training in the Royal Guard had given me, besides a masochistic desire to run laps at five in the morning, the ability to snap-cast a protective shield almost reflexively. I exhaled out of relief, the warm air turning misty on the magical barrier roughly an inch from my face.
*Bonk
“Princess Luna.” I gave her my best scowl, once the shield had stopped reverberating again. “Give me the mallet.”
Princess Luna looked between the magical dome and the six-foot-tall war hammer she was holding. It looked like it had been made out of solid steel and long-extinct races yet, surprisingly, I cared less about where she got it from than why she was actively trying to swing it with her hooves instead of her magic.
“No.”
*Bonk
“Since you have deigned not to cooperate, we will have to ‘knock thee out’, as the youth would say, and then carry thee with us, just as a proper Princess would.” She lifted the hammer in the air again.
Holding up a shield for too long can, sadly, give a unicorn a mighty headache. Mine had begun weeks ago, and I sure as Starswirl wasn’t going to hold it for much longer. “This is ridiculous, Princess.” I hopped to the side and let the hammer hit the pavement. “Why me?”
“Why what?” *Thunk
“Why go through all this trouble for me?”
Luna looked up to the moon. “We are well over one thousand years old, my little pony. We have monitored the world for eons untold, and we have looked.” Her eyes shone down on me like moonlight. “And we hath seen you.
“Oh yes, we have heard all about these ‘guys nights out’ you have. We have seen it with our very eyes: you are respectful, witty, strong, and peculiarly indifferent yet not untoward towards the advances of others. You are not easily pleased, and therefore the only one who can truly have you shan’t be nothing short of a true mare.”
I continued looking disbelievingly at her.
Her eyebrows went up, and her eyes went down on me. “...and you also happen to have most pleasing a flank.”
I groaned. “Princess.”
“Enough! Can’t thou see thine Princess wills it?!” It always got bad when she went archaic. “Nothing and nopony shall stand in our way. For just as we persevered on the moon, we shall pursue thee until thine hoof be mine!”
I backed away, shaking my hooves rabidly. “We can’t, because— because!”
Luna advanced on me. That was another reason why I wasn’t interested in anything beyond professional. A little obvious, actually: she loomed over me, taller despite me being above average height, hoisting a gavel-like hammer that was one twitch away from crashing into my skull ... it was a little intimidating. And to think it’s usually us guys who say that size doesn’t matter.
I tried to run but found my hooves locked in place by a cold blue aura. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Because I’m ill!”
Luna froze. Yes! An Idea!
“Yeah, I’m like super ill.” I feigned coughing into my hoof a few times. Some phlegm went down my windpipe and made me really sell the act. “Oh, what cruelty has befell me. A magical ailment, terminal, can’t be cured. Tonight I will fall into slumber from which I am to never wake again!”
Never thought I’d be so glad for having had practice with role-playing. Worst came to worst, I would just make myself scarce come morning. I’ve always wanted to see Gryffinstone, come to think of it.
The war hammer clanged to the ground.
“Then we must kiss to make thou better!”
I scrambled to keep her away before she could smooch me to death. “That won’t work, Fate itself has conspired to keep us apart!”
Luna scowled, and there were cinders in her eyes. “Fate?”
“Yes,” I finished. “The prophecy said so.”
Neither of us moved. I knew the Princesses were all big on prophecies and what not—I was tempted to add that my sleep would last exactly 1000 years. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.
Luna broke out laughing. The Royal Canterlot Voice made sure they heard her the next continent over. “Hah-ha! Dost Fate think it can outsmart us?!”
My head sunk into my hooves. I’d forgotten.
“If Fate doth not wish us together here, then we shall await thee in. thy. Dreams!” The laughter devolved into villainous cackling. “The fires of love shall burn forever!”
I sighed—a little more aggravated than I’d like to admit— and marched home.
“Good night, Princess Luna.”
I banged the door shut on the way in.
And that was that. That was about the way every night for the past few weeks had gone. I was so deep in thought I tripped on my own set of armor once I was done undressing.
I still had no clue what I was supposed to do. I mean, she was an alicorn, she moved the Moon, she ruled the country— she flipping made sure nopony ever got any nightmares, what could I do? Turning her down had not worked. After finally having gathered the courage, lying had not been any more effective (it didn’t amount to treason charges, luckily). Not going to work at all had resulted in a search party, and to top it all off, Princess Celestia wouldn’t answer any of my letters! All that was really left for me to do was hold on, and hope that this crush of hers went away soon.
For what it was worth, at least my wife was being a good sport about it.
“Who was it, sweetie?”
Sometimes, I swear, it felt like she actually enjoyed it.
“Just Princess Luna again, dear,” I said as I passed the slightly open door with the dim light spilling out. I kept walking until my hooves hit the stovetop and, luckily, a coffee kettle was already laid there. I wasn’t going to sleep tonight, if I could help it, dammit.
Before I could even pour myself a cup, the first of many no doubt, there came a sound. My home has very thick walls, evident from how Luna’s Royal Canterlot Laughtrack couldn’t be heard indoors, so the only reason I could actually hear the bed sheets rustling all the way from our room, was because she wanted me to.
“Honey, come to bed.” Invisible magic tugged at my collar insistently, before moving elsewhere. “I missed you.”
I sighed and started for the master bedroom. Guess I wasn’t safe even in my own home.
“Coming, Cadence.”
Pics
I think this story was written very well. The character chemistry between Luna and Shining Armor was amazing. They were complete opposites, but played off each other real well. Honestly, I felt bad for the guard (this was before I learned it was Shining Armor) and thought Luna may have been one of many mares that was chasing him. The portrayals were believable, and made this story shine.
The execution of this story is pretty top-notch. I like the pacing, I like the jokes, and I particularly like that you don't dwell on anything in order to milk the funny till its dry and then some. Great stuff.
I do have two issues with this story, though. They aren't things that throw me violently out of it at random times, but things that kind of keep me out of it the whole way through. Which probably means I'm not your target audience.
The first thing is that Luna is pretty out of her character, and I know that OOC comedies get a pass by a lot of people but I struggle with them. The only time I've seen Luna be remotely this zany and dense-as-a-brick-wall is in Luna Eclipsed, when she's still adjusting to the world that's moved on a thousand years without her. I thought you were going for that here, but based on the time period revealed in the twist that wouldn't really work. And besides, she's never been this zany.
The second thing is that, throughout the story itself, I was wondering why I was supposed to care about this guy I knew virtually nothing about (except that he kinda sounds like a bit of a dick!) I had a lot of questions about him that I wanted answered throughout the story. What's his name, who he is, what's his rank, where in Equestria are we, why has the author chosen this OC and not a stock character, why did he never mention his wife during the whole encounter, etc. Obviously, you couldn't tell me these things, but when the twist comes, like, I get it, but it kind of made me groan because you weren't leading me the wrong direction through the story so much as obstinately refusing to answer my questions.
Again, I may not be your target audience, so take this with a grain of salt, but I wonder how this would look with the twist established up front. Sure, you lose the punchy ending, but there's loads of other joke endings you could come up with, and I think watching someone we know struggle with this awkward series of encounters would be more fun than watching it happen to Mr. Nameless.
Plus, "Luna wants to marry Shining Armor" is a punchy af short description for fimfiction.
Thanks for writing!
I do have two issues with this story, though. They aren't things that throw me violently out of it at random times, but things that kind of keep me out of it the whole way through. Which probably means I'm not your target audience.
The first thing is that Luna is pretty out of her character, and I know that OOC comedies get a pass by a lot of people but I struggle with them. The only time I've seen Luna be remotely this zany and dense-as-a-brick-wall is in Luna Eclipsed, when she's still adjusting to the world that's moved on a thousand years without her. I thought you were going for that here, but based on the time period revealed in the twist that wouldn't really work. And besides, she's never been this zany.
The second thing is that, throughout the story itself, I was wondering why I was supposed to care about this guy I knew virtually nothing about (except that he kinda sounds like a bit of a dick!) I had a lot of questions about him that I wanted answered throughout the story. What's his name, who he is, what's his rank, where in Equestria are we, why has the author chosen this OC and not a stock character, why did he never mention his wife during the whole encounter, etc. Obviously, you couldn't tell me these things, but when the twist comes, like, I get it, but it kind of made me groan because you weren't leading me the wrong direction through the story so much as obstinately refusing to answer my questions.
Again, I may not be your target audience, so take this with a grain of salt, but I wonder how this would look with the twist established up front. Sure, you lose the punchy ending, but there's loads of other joke endings you could come up with, and I think watching someone we know struggle with this awkward series of encounters would be more fun than watching it happen to Mr. Nameless.
Plus, "Luna wants to marry Shining Armor" is a punchy af short description for fimfiction.
Thanks for writing!
Let me start with the one bit I'm still tripping over now that I've finished the story: how did "I'm married" never come up in the night's recitation-of-reasons-this-won't-work? I mean, pretending to be taken is, like, the first thing people do in order to get rid of unwanted advances. I guess one could say "he did try it on the first night, that's why it hasn't come up again," but when he's repeating so many other things for the fifteenth time, how did that one not make the cut? The meta-reason I come up with right away is that you don't want us to figure out who the MC is, but I don't think having him claim to be off the market ruins that (especially if you don't clarify whether it's true or not). Regardless, that's definitely something I'd consider adding some variation on, or at least working in some passing excuse for not bringing up more fully.
Past that trip-up, though? I'm loving the humor of this piece. It's wackilly, cartoonilly single-minded, in a way that fits your narrative style and the word count beautifully. You do a nice job of working in things like Shining's role-playing background just subtly enough that I felt smart for knowing who the MC was halfway in, rather than feeling like you were beating me with the clue mallet. And the weary, quippy, yet recognizable tone was solid throughout. I think I'd have personally liked it a bit better if he hadn't come off quite so humble-braggy ("I'm just a totally normal guy, and the fact that mares want me, stallions want to be me, and that the co-Princess of Equestria needs my seed is no big deal, I barely notice to be honest"), but I don't necessarily consider it a deal-breaker--at least, not at the level it's presented here, and in the context given (a world where Luna runs around whacking people with warhammers so she can rape them in peace is not one I demand a perfectly sympathetic MC from (to be clear, her doing that is hilarious, and I'm not criticising that portrayal. Just pointing it out as an example of why mild douchbagginess in the MC doesn't really bother me)).
A ll in all, this is a "dumb fun" kind of story, and I'd consider it a well-executed example of the style. Nice job!
Past that trip-up, though? I'm loving the humor of this piece. It's wackilly, cartoonilly single-minded, in a way that fits your narrative style and the word count beautifully. You do a nice job of working in things like Shining's role-playing background just subtly enough that I felt smart for knowing who the MC was halfway in, rather than feeling like you were beating me with the clue mallet. And the weary, quippy, yet recognizable tone was solid throughout. I think I'd have personally liked it a bit better if he hadn't come off quite so humble-braggy ("I'm just a totally normal guy, and the fact that mares want me, stallions want to be me, and that the co-Princess of Equestria needs my seed is no big deal, I barely notice to be honest"), but I don't necessarily consider it a deal-breaker--at least, not at the level it's presented here, and in the context given (a world where Luna runs around whacking people with warhammers so she can rape them in peace is not one I demand a perfectly sympathetic MC from (to be clear, her doing that is hilarious, and I'm not criticising that portrayal. Just pointing it out as an example of why mild douchbagginess in the MC doesn't really bother me)).
A ll in all, this is a "dumb fun" kind of story, and I'd consider it a well-executed example of the style. Nice job!
>>Chris
The "I'm married" bit is actually lampshaded pretty early on:
Luna knows, she just doesn't care. I suppose it could also be read as Luna having multiple partners already, especially given her ye olden mannerisms here, but all the same.
That said, I agree with the rest. There's an element of physical comedy going on here, too, with the mallet in particular, that gives me sort of an early Loony Toons vibe which I really enjoy.
Esteemed colleague >>Miller Minus mentions that Luna is pretty early-show crazy here, which is super true, but I will point out that since our beleaguered stallion is married but still living in Canterlot, this does put our timeline directly between s2 and s3, so it's not completely unthinkable that she'd have given up on her romantic habits in favor of the modern style just yet.
Also, full disclosure, I have a soft spot for Luna as a Bacchanalian-type having a hard time kicking the habit, so I am absolutely biased. Good work all around, still.
The "I'm married" bit is actually lampshaded pretty early on:
“we are gathered here today to celebrate the polygamous union of Her Royal Highness Princess Luna Selene a—”
Luna knows, she just doesn't care. I suppose it could also be read as Luna having multiple partners already, especially given her ye olden mannerisms here, but all the same.
That said, I agree with the rest. There's an element of physical comedy going on here, too, with the mallet in particular, that gives me sort of an early Loony Toons vibe which I really enjoy.
Esteemed colleague >>Miller Minus mentions that Luna is pretty early-show crazy here, which is super true, but I will point out that since our beleaguered stallion is married but still living in Canterlot, this does put our timeline directly between s2 and s3, so it's not completely unthinkable that she'd have given up on her romantic habits in favor of the modern style just yet.
Also, full disclosure, I have a soft spot for Luna as a Bacchanalian-type having a hard time kicking the habit, so I am absolutely biased. Good work all around, still.
>>Rao
That makes sense in retrospect, but yeah, I read it as Luna being the polygamous one--as in, he's going to be joining her harem (hence "consort" and not "husband"). Anyway, it doesn't really explain why the MC doesn't bring it up.
Regardless, fully agree that the Luna/Bacchus connection is part of what sells this. If any alicorn is going to go full free love, she'd be my top pick.
That makes sense in retrospect, but yeah, I read it as Luna being the polygamous one--as in, he's going to be joining her harem (hence "consort" and not "husband"). Anyway, it doesn't really explain why the MC doesn't bring it up.
Regardless, fully agree that the Luna/Bacchus connection is part of what sells this. If any alicorn is going to go full free love, she'd be my top pick.
Snark aside, I thought this was really funny. My comments echo Rao's and Chris's in finding this headcanon of Luna amusing, while also echoing the sentiment that it doesn't really fit the character by this point in the timeline (not unless you toned down the Royal We and the archaic diction in general). And I agree that the reveal at the end, that Shining Armor was the target of Luna's seduction all along, wasn't foreshadowed enough. There's plenty that could be done to imply Shiny's our POV character without giving it away. Like, maybe when he's talking about Luna's height, he mentions "I like 'em big, but not that big."
...Or something, I don't... I don't fuckin'...
Cadance isn't a blonde, damn you.
Incidentally, this is similar conceptually to another story from a writeoff round three years ago, "Concubine." I'm not implying anything untoward, don't get me wrong, but if this was inspired by it, I think that'd be pretty neat.
And if it wasn't, then give it a read; it's always interesting to see how other writers have tackled similar subject matter. I think there's a published version on Fimfic.
...Or something, I don't... I don't fuckin'...
Cadance isn't a blonde, damn you.
Incidentally, this is similar conceptually to another story from a writeoff round three years ago, "Concubine." I'm not implying anything untoward, don't get me wrong, but if this was inspired by it, I think that'd be pretty neat.
And if it wasn't, then give it a read; it's always interesting to see how other writers have tackled similar subject matter. I think there's a published version on Fimfic.
I don’t know that much about writing (or at least don’t think I do). Please don’t take this too seriously.
What detracted from my reading experience was how different this story would've been, had the characters roles been reversed. Maybe I'm just sexist, but I just couldn't get over the idea how creepy that would've been.
That aside:
There are some funny moments in this. I liked that. It's not all that complex of a story, or that long, but I don't think that such lighthearted stories necessarily have to be. The character voicings are interesting too.
But if you’ll accept an amateur's opinion, I would suggest you break apart some of the longer paragraphs. To me, those were a little cumbersome to read.
Anyhoo, thank you for writing!
What detracted from my reading experience was how different this story would've been, had the characters roles been reversed. Maybe I'm just sexist, but I just couldn't get over the idea how creepy that would've been.
That aside:
There are some funny moments in this. I liked that. It's not all that complex of a story, or that long, but I don't think that such lighthearted stories necessarily have to be. The character voicings are interesting too.
But if you’ll accept an amateur's opinion, I would suggest you break apart some of the longer paragraphs. To me, those were a little cumbersome to read.
Anyhoo, thank you for writing!
This is another comedy that revels in how silly it is, and ends up being a lot of fun. It pulls off the irreverence of its spectacle just right, and manages to pull me effortlessly from joke to joke.
Now, I found the twist amusing, but more of in an "oh, ha!" kind of way, instead of a "my mind is blown" kind of way. That may have been exactly your intention though, so I'll let you take my experience as a data-point. I didn't really notice any of the foreshadowing of the twist before my second read-through, so maybe that contributed to my more muted reaction.
Speaking of second read-throughs, I'll have to admit that I started running into some fridge logic issues when I took a step back from the spectacle. Things like Luna's warhammer sort of coming out of nowhere and Luna so quickly believing the "illness" excuse—well there's silly, and there's ridiculous, and sometimes this story flirts awfully close to the latter.
Overall, though, I know that I still had fun with this as a whole, so I'm chalking down most of my issues as personal or knit-picky. This one's still likely going to find its way towards the top of my slate, FYI.
Now, I found the twist amusing, but more of in an "oh, ha!" kind of way, instead of a "my mind is blown" kind of way. That may have been exactly your intention though, so I'll let you take my experience as a data-point. I didn't really notice any of the foreshadowing of the twist before my second read-through, so maybe that contributed to my more muted reaction.
Speaking of second read-throughs, I'll have to admit that I started running into some fridge logic issues when I took a step back from the spectacle. Things like Luna's warhammer sort of coming out of nowhere and Luna so quickly believing the "illness" excuse—well there's silly, and there's ridiculous, and sometimes this story flirts awfully close to the latter.
Overall, though, I know that I still had fun with this as a whole, so I'm chalking down most of my issues as personal or knit-picky. This one's still likely going to find its way towards the top of my slate, FYI.
The writing here is good, and genuinely funny. Ye-Olde-Englishe Luna can be a bit tiresome if done wrong, so props to making her feel genuinely funny while still being ridiculous. The twist is great, 'mystery guard's reactions are great, buuuut....
While I get what you're going for, Luna came across as juuuust a little too much this side of creepy for my liking. I still like it, but I think that held me back from thinking of it as top tier. That is a very personal issue with the story though; nothing to do with the actual execution.
While I get what you're going for, Luna came across as juuuust a little too much this side of creepy for my liking. I still like it, but I think that held me back from thinking of it as top tier. That is a very personal issue with the story though; nothing to do with the actual execution.
Congratulations to all the winners, and a massive thank you to all the participants; I enjoyed reading all your stories. And of course, thank you all for taking the time to comment!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Cadance isn't a blonde.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
Incidentally, this is similar conceptually to another story from a writeoff round three years ago, "Concubine." I'm not implying anything untoward, don't get me wrong, but if this was inspired by it, I think that'd be pretty neat.
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!