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#12110 · 7
· on One Day · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
I can see this being something Scoots doodled and tacked up on a dream board. Which makes it really sad, despite the ostensibly cheery nature of the piece.
#15189 · 6
· · >>Fenton
We're all feeling the slow march to death speeding up just a little as the Winter season sheathes us in grey days and long nights.
#6773 · 5
· on Three Unicorn Tail Hairs · >>Trick_Question
I'm with CoffeeMinion. Based on the line:
“Shut up.” Raindolph crept around to the back side of the bed and inspected the coiled tail, but a few quick magical gestures made his heart sink.

It really seems like the purity check was done via magic. Less invasive, but certainly no less rude.
#10140 · 5
You know, even if it's about 50,000 words short of "properly fleshed out," it feels really nice to finish things on time.
#14016 · 5
· on The Pink Beneath the Gray · >>AndrewRogue
I think it's worth mentioning that we see a somewhat more mature Pinkie here. Back in the Cranky Doodle days, she'd probably just keep hounding Mayor until she yielded. Here instead, we see her actually pause for a moment when her usual cheering up tactics don't work to consider if there might be another solution. Indeed, she even goes beyond "pony sad, must make happy" and digs to the root of the Mayor Mare's pervasive sadness and finds a solution that is well beneath her usual levels of exuberance, yet far more effective.

Good job.
#17273 · 5
· · >>Anon Y Mous
"This is the most ham-fisted bullshit I have ever written." - Me, like 10 minutes ago.
"The Godfather Part III of my career." - Also me.

Welcome to the party. Don't mind all the existential dread lingering around. It gets a little thick near the deadline, but usually clears up by morning.

Glad to have you back, Wonder Red.
#17314 · 5
· on Why a Duck? · >>Baal Bunny

I'm dead.

Cute and funny, with a thread of nonsensical really keeping things together. Pinkie, Cheese, and Flutters all feel very much in character, and their subversion of possibly apocalyptic events is equally fitting. The setup runs a little long early on, but it's not an unpleasant push.
#17351 · 5
· on Just A Different Shade
The Hawkeye thing was kind of a last second pull, honestly. I realized I hadn't given the doctor a name and that felt really inappropriate, so I reached into my brain for a list of doctors and Hawkeye is usually the first one that comes to mind. I do really love MASH, so I'm glad the reference didn't go over everyone's head.

Though I didn't intend it to be literally Hawkeye from the Korean war, like Icenrose thought, so I might have to change it up a bit.

Regarding "reality ensues" moments: I'm glad that those few moments came across well. The original idea I had was "Sunset goes back to Equestria for a bit because the random, senseless violence of the human world is getting to her." But that sucked and didn't work for two days, so I went with an inversion where Twilight is suddenly exposed to the consequences of mundane (re: non-magical) violence. That a shooting feels un-EqG like is exactly the point, though I could have shaped the entire experience much better.

Thank you, again, for deciding to comment. Every little bit helps.

I'll work on that perspective shift. Stuff like that always gets away from me when I'm not explicitly writing in 1st Person. And, like I touched on above, I didn't originally intend Hawkeye to be quite so actually Hawkeye. But that's where I ended up, and I will definitely rethink that going forward. I already have some backup names in my mental queue to make his presence less egregious.

I agree that the premise is under utilized, and basically everything else you said. In the early stages of writing I had Princess Twilight casually asking why they just didn't get rid of things that were so dangerous, but at the time I couldn't come up with anything that didn't feel like rehashing the 200+ pages of gun control/school shooting threads I've read on other forums over the last few months.

You're absolutely right in that I don't have a solid takeaway. That's partly because the narrative itself is incomplete, and partly because I didn't want to moralize too hard at the audience. Like you said: we all already agree that school shootings are bad. I need to go deeper to really touch anything important. Now that I have time to breathe that'll probably be easier.

I knew this was a risky idea going in and I'm glad that, at the very worst, I didn't butcher it, and that we got some interesting discussion going. The subject matter is near and dear to me, on account of working at a school and not wanting children to get shot (even when they're being total assholes and destroying my machines).
#6714 · 4
· on Happily Ever After* · >>CoffeeMinion >>Trick_Question
One of the few pieces I've read in my limited time here where the required brevity serves rather than hinders. Tight execution start to finish with nary a fault to be found, and a bonus check for a happy Cranky. Cheers.
#7068 · 4
· on Hair of the Sister That Bit You
My title seems to have been popular, so that's a high point for me. Let's break this down now.

The tense shift that you and others noted is entirely a matter of sloppiness on my part. I didn't notice it at all until you pointed it out and I reread this thing a few times even after I submitted it.

It was indeed one mislabeled drink passed on to the kids, but that bottle was one of a whole batch with the same issue. A little extra to weigh on AJ's conscience. As for why they're being scolded, that wasn't really my intent at all. Some of the softening effect was lost during the pruning stage (which was a new phase for me. I'm usually struggling to fill in words, not remove them), and even considering that Rarity's opening frustration is out of place in retrospect, I admit.

I'm no expert in distillation, but I recall there being a potential issue with alcohol fumes, so I'd figure they'd keep Apple Bloom away from that side of things until she's big enough to handle a few whiffs without keeling over. I might be mistaking that for meth though (thanks Breaking Bad) so don't quote me on it.

The "for their first time" bit was my opening clue and the ambiguity until the reveal was intentional. Set up the clue, let the reader build an assumption, then (hopefully) twist it around a bit with AJ being the one who messed up. I like a little opening mystery; if it's something the characters would know by the point the story starts but don't have any reason to hash over for exposition sake.

You are correct about the use of the title phrase, too. I intended it as another clue that the whole mess wasn't the kids' fault, but the limited length doesn't leave a lot of room to let that idea simmer.

Part of the harshness comes from my being terrible at cuts, as I said above, and part of that comes from me (apparently) being a huge jerkass because other than Dash I didn't think anyone was being particularly gruff—and even that has some softer edges in my original cut. Poor editing is no excuse, of course. I never intended to give the impression the kids were in trouble, but I definitely see how that was the common interpretation.

The alcohol quantity/strength issue I'll chalk up to me not knowing how strong a hard cider is. Others have mentioned that "applejack" is an actual type of hard alcohol and you can bet I'll be playing that up in the rewrite. As for the girls not noticing that something was up, I was kind of hoping that would slide under the "it was their first time" bit and that would be that. I fully accept that not being sufficient, however.

It's sir, and I am well rebuked in my error. I mostly addressed your points above, but I will take extra consideration in clearing up Apple Bloom's place on the booze side of the Sweet Apple Acres business model.

Still glad the title was so popular. Forgot all about the phrase until I remembered an episode of Daredevil, funny enough. And I used that exact band-aid phrase in the original cut, so thumbs up for reading my mind. I've added another mark to the "not sure if they're in trouble or not" pile, but I'm quite glad you enjoyed it in spite of that.

I am gratefully rebuked yet again. Glad you enjoyed your time here.

You have earned a place forever in my gratitude for telling me that applejack is an actual liquor. That opens up a whole new world of pun and that change makes the title of the story fit even better. My original thought was to play the "kids get drunk" angle straight (cutie mark crusader inebriates, yay!), but I decided that was predictable and thought I'd try to put a twist on it. Didn't work quite how I expected. I can't argue that there's not a lot of growth or character development going on though.

I said it in the first reply but it's worth repeating: totally sloppy miss on my part. Present tense is my default gear and I need to work harder at catching my slip ups. Consistent tense use is important and I'm glad you and Fan stepped up and called me out on the mistake.

No finals for me this time but feedback knows no price. Thanks to everyone for the comments.