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#15258 · 8
· · >>horizon >>Fenton
Today I become a lurker no more! Excited to read everyone's entries, but even more excited to go to sleep if I'm being totally honest. Hope everyone's enjoying squeaky bum time!
#17248 · 8
· · >>Anon Y Mous
>submit prompt
>decide I don't want it anymore and take away my vote
>wins anyway
#19344 · 7
· on No Need · >>Cassius
sips drink

I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now
#20083 · 7
Colour Contagion

That settles it, no Americans allowed.
#15665 · 6
· on Lily's Letter · >>GaPJaxie >>ToXikyogHurt
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>dragon discord
>>Cold in Gardez

Thanks for reading, everyone. This was my first time entering the writeoff, and if the goal of this competition is to gain feedback and learn about things that work in your writing vs things that don't, then I'd say this was a huge success.

Just to clear a couple things up: I decided to take an opportunity to experiment, and something I've always wanted to write is a story where the readers are, for better or worse, left with a ton of questions at the end. Xepher put it best when he guessed I was saying: "Haha, no answers for you!" I may or may have thought that at some point—maybe even verbatim.

I think in some ways the lack of info worked and some it didn't—especially with the narrator. Writing this again I would probably give them a name (though I might stick with no gender, Trick, because it's the current year after all) and a more fleshed out backstory, if nothing else than to get rid of the reader's idea that they are secretly someone from the show. But in terms of his relationship with Lily, and why she invited him? I think I liked how little I told. But I'd have to revisit.

And no... he didn't off himself. It's personally a pet peeve of mine when a first-person narrator kills themselves because then how were you tellin' the story, asshole? This made me think that the readers would know that my story would obviously never do anything so silly. I probably should have known better, especially in an anonymous competition...

Cheers, guys. Good luck in the finals to everyone who made it, and I'll see you at the next one!
#18525 · 6
· on World War Sunflower
I feel like standing up and applauding all the creativity that's been poured into this story, but at the same time, I don't think it'll do so well on my slate.

It's probably just my opinion, but the fact that this many of the art pieces have been put into one story hurts my enjoyment of it all. It's quite distracting. I get the impression that referencing as many of the art pieces as possible was the number one priority here, with telling a story coming in second place. It's a close second, sure—this is still a pretty good story—but what would it have been if some of the references were trimmed? If some of the ideas were expanded on more than they were in the space allotted?

Because there's a ton of ideas in this story, and a lot of them are great, but none of them felt very fleshed out, because each time I was getting into one it was time to move the plot towards the next artwork. And that leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions. What happened to Lady Pitter-patter (let's get at 'er)? What exactly is her relationship to the protagonist? Why are the disappearing humans so important to these faeries? What's the significance in them being Metal and Sky Faeries?

Artwork aside, one more criticism I have is that the tone doesn't feel right. I was certain this was going to be played for laughs the whole way through because of the premise, especially coupled with the characters names. Hell, the beginning seems like it wants to be funny in several places. Like with this:

My mission was simple: blow (up) the mothership.

That shit's hilarious.

But then the rest of the story takes itself so seriously. I'm thrown for a loop, and every so often I see "Guru Yummy" or "Captain Feathersnuggle" again, and I snicker. So why choose those names if the story is going to be about moral grey areas and the horrors of war?

But whatever to all that. I'm still impressed with what you've accomplished here, and it was certainly a fun ride. I just expect that I'll enjoy entries with better focus a bit more. Good luck, you!
#18656 · 6
· on G.O.D. · >>BlueChameleonVI
Look man, I can't help how I reacted to your story. It didn't work for me as well as I thought it could, and since I thought this kind of story was my thing, I tried to put my concerns into words. I thought the comedy and the seriousness clashed, and at no point did I suggest that it was impossible for them to work together. For me, in this story, they didn't work together. One person, one story, one opinion.

Maybe my thoughts weren't helpful. Maybe this isn't as much my thing as I thought it was. Maybe I was piss-drunk when I wrote my review. Maybe I'm a mouthbreather.

Maybe a lot of things.

Next time you think my comment is narrow, or makes no sense, or is "profoundly irritating", feel free to ignore me. You have every right as the author, and I resent being ranted at when I was just trying to help.
#15374 · 5
· on The Calm Before The Storm
This is a really, really tough story to attempt, and I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure it's even possible.

See, this story only makes sense to someone who has already watched the movie, and the problem that they're going to have is that they've already watched the movie. There's no tension—which I'm sure you're aware—because the reader knows what's going to happen. So all that you can rely on is that we want to know exactly what Tempest was thinking when she sacrificed herself.

But here's the thing: This scene played out in just a few moments—it was compact, it contained almost no words, and most importantly, the decision Tempest made was something that had been built up to, so the audience could figure it out for themselves. Heck, some would say it was even too predictable!

This plays into the tired, but important, old critique of show vs tell narration. The movie showed Tempest's decision, while this story told it. In fairness, it's a lot easier to show things in TV shows and movies than it is in a written story, but isn't that part of what makes them so enthralling?

I think this story is a good exercise in exploring Tempest's thought process and dissecting something from the film. But as an actual story, it's hard to really get into.

But those are just my thoughts. Thanks a lot for submitting, and good luck!

P.S. I'm also not sure what the title is referring to...?
#17266 · 5
· · >>Syeekoh
See everyone on the other side!
#17280 · 5
· on The Book of Might Have Beens
I thought this was a really stellar entry, and it wrapped up very nicely. Nothing has changed except for Starlight herself. Wonderful character work.

I suppose I have a few notes though. The first is that this story is very exposition-heavy in a peculiar way. Since every new instance of the book needed to be told as if it was a new story, with the exception of the Victory in Our Town timeline, a lot of the text went to setting up scenes and characters. The first timeline dragged on a little, especially, and I wonder if it could be trimmed. After all, it's hard to get too invested in things you know haven't actually happened. For me, anyways.

I also found North Star to be a rather blank character, without much to him. If he is to stay in this story and have such an important role, a more vivid personality would go a long way. That, and I couldn't really follow his or the town's thought process. What she did was truly horrible, and that kind of sudden elation at the return of their cutie marks doesn't seem like it would be followed up with, "but wait where's Starlight she didn't seem so bad."

But in conclusion, I was engaged. So thanks! And ciao for now.