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Ship It · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Enjoy the Silence
The contents of this story are no longer available
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#1 ·
· · >>Trick_Question >>No_Raisin
Okay. wow, there are not a lot of people bold enough to start off with that kind of opening line (to the point that I'm almost tempted to fill out a Guessing slate), so kudos for taking that risk.

And honestly, It pays off great, IMO. This is another one of my favorites this round, and I really love the muted SOL tone which absolutely breeds introspection (double entendre completely intended). I like the use of dialogue here, to convey ideas through questions and misunderstandings. It definitely feels complex and nuanced.

If I had to lodge a complaint, I'd say that the shift from dialogue back to high-level narration two-thirds of the way down the fic was definitely not as smooth as the first shift into the dialogue. Right after you went and conveyed Spit's emotional state so carefully with her dialogue, the fact that you're now kind of being overt her thoughts feels like a hammer swing in comparison.

I like where this one ends off. It's pretty much perfect for the themes of this story. Thank you for submitting!
#2 ·
· · >>No_Raisin
Dang. Now THAT is how you hook a reader with an opening line. Points!

A bit of a hiccup transitioning from dialogue to narration at a few spots, but that's easily fixed. But really, this needs some expansion to flesh out more details and then submit to Fimfic. Frankly, I'd be interested in a multi-chapter look at these two characters in this relationship.
#3 ·
Calm the fuck down, author, there are children here.

Something I liked:

God, talk about hitting the ground running. Despite the fact that not much happens in this entry, that opening line is eye-catching and ballsy and umph, and yet it establishes both this sadness and dissonance that starts and never stops (although there is a speed bump at one point). What it lacks in story it makes up for with a juicy character study that feels both really intimate and existential. I feel like I understood Spitty's plight in so little time, not to mention her thoughts and feelings on such a personal level. In terms of tone and character-building, this is some crazy stuff.

Something I didn't like:

There is, unfortunately, a section of this entry that doesn't hold up as well as the rest. It's only a couple paragraphs, but it's something. Let's talk about exposition. For most of the story, what we find out about Spitfire perspective is through sensual descriptions, along with what she says and thinks, but then the narrative distances itself from the action to provide some exposition that either probably wasn't needed or could've been more smoothly integrated into Spitfire's perspective.

Verdict: Arguably the finest opener of the bunch, and overall one of the finest entries.
#4 ·
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>No_Raisin
This is very interesting. I really like where the story was headed, but I have a couple of issues. One is that I'm not sure I buy Spitfire's lack of involvement in athletics in her forties. There are lots of things she could do if she really enjoyed her time in the Sun, like continuing to be a trainer or serve in some other military role. She was Captain of the Wonderbolts, after all. It feels pretty conclusive that she's uninvolved due in large part to her own lack of initiative, but this feeling isn't supported by the story or her character.

The other is that I'm not sure the resolution rounds out the story well enough. I feel sorry for them both, particularly Soarin' who seems completely clueless as to how messed up in the head his buckbuddy is. I think they both need counseling together, and Spitfire alone. At the end of all this, I'm left feeling unfulfilled in the same way as Spitfire. I enjoyed it, sure, but afterwards I feel uncertain and a little let down.

After trying to make his neck not feel so stiff

This shift into Soarin's mind is a mistake, I feel. We should stay with Spitfire.


I think your subconscious is speaking, author...
#5 ·
· · >>Bachiavellian
to the point that I'm almost tempted to fill out a Guessing slate

Also not me, for the record.
#6 · 1
· · >>Trick_Question
And just like magic, the desire to do a Guessing slate has vanished.

Well, at least I got to feel real smart for about a day. :P
#7 · 1
And now I get to feel smart, because I think I know who did it. :raritywink:

But I'm not guessing this round either. I've been away too long.

One way you can tell this one isn't mine is I always have a specific message in mind rather than just a story to tell, and this particular story feels unresolved (to me, at least). If I had written this, I would have given Spitfire an epiphany at the end that allowed her to come to terms with her feelings.
#8 ·
· · >>No_Raisin
Probably the result of a fight with the word ceiling, but that exposition in the latter third is really the weak point of the story, even if it crystalizes everything else we see with Spitfire here. That aside, this is a very ambitious piece with themes of obsolescence, aging, and self-worth, and, for the most part, it does an excellent job of conveying what it needs to through dialogue, descriptions, and tone.
#9 · 2
· · >>No_Raisin
Genre: Moody Blues

Thoughts: I am contractually obligated to acknowledge this story’s eye-catching first line, which contains at least 20% more semen than the average frontispiece. It takes a lot of spunk to kick a story off like that. I’d call it a master stroke, but it’s already getting deep in here.

However, a story does not live by its first line alone, and that’s where this gets sticky for me. (Okay, sorry, I’m done.) This is clearly aiming at being a melancholy mood piece, which is fine; I’ve written some of those myself. But I think the crux of those kinds of stories lies in building an emotional connection between the reader and the character struggling with melancholy, and right now I don’t feel like this quite achieves that. Spitfire comes off as abrasive not only in her current dissatisfaction, but more importantly, in the tone of her relationship with Soarin. Again: I’ve written abrasive characters in relationships, so I’m not complaining about that kind of dynamic for its own sake. My issue here is more that it’s not getting through to me.

This is where it gets tricky for me as someone not merely sharing impressions about the work, but also as someone voting on it. It’s probable that the Author is aiming at placing Spitfire on the less-likable end of melancholy, in which case, the story is succeeding. But I struggle to find that entirely satisfying without a deeper treatment of Spitfire’s and Soarin’s relationship. I’ll give a +1 to >>Trick_Question’s review as providing some more thoughts on that front. (Missed ya, Trick; glad we’re both back.) Bottom line, it hurts seeing the gulf between these two—but it really hurts not getting enough meat on that relationship’s bones to understand the true depth (or lack thereof) in their shared(?) misery.

But but butt, while I have beef with the execution of the emotional link, I have to say that the stylistic and compositional aspects of this mostly run strong to excellent. This is a smooth read all the way down, and the ending flourish with the music is pretty satisfying. There are a couple of mild typos that stick out as I pore over the work, but that’s probably because I’m actively seeking what else I might take from it. And I find myself poring over it because the material has a generally high level of quality.

Author, please don’t get discouraged here. I bet this will sing with even another 250 words of expansion.

Tier: Keep Developing
#10 ·
· · >>Anon Y Mous >>No_Raisin
Things I liked:


Things I didn't like:

The seamen.

#11 · 1
· · >>Miller Minus >>CoffeeMinion >>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
Miller, you are to be hung by the neck until dead in the morn.

What will your last meal be, you scoundrel?
#12 · 1
· · >>No_Raisin >>CoffeeMinion
>>Anon Y Mous
#13 · 2
· · >>Miller Minus
>>Miller Minus
Poor choice of words.
#14 · 1
· · >>No_Raisin
seeds is one word
#15 ·
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>Miller Minus
And now it's not. I decree it so.
#16 ·
· · >>Anonymous Potato
>>Miller Minus
>>Anon Y Mous
#17 · 1
This convo: seeds/men. Would chortle upon reading again.
#18 ·
· · >>No_Raisin
I think the themes are the strongest part of this fic, and you've got an excellent little slice of mid-life crisis cooking here. I could see it being expanded to something much bigger, or simply being left as it is. While there's nothing at stake and no real growth or change, it still gives insight into a perspective that we might all experience at some point.

Now that I think of it, expansion into something longer that tackles how to deal with that feeling may be the best path to pursue with this.
#19 · 4
>>Miller Minus
>>Anon Y Mous

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)