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Returned From Sabbatical · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Rhubarb Madness
An hour after Twilight left for her day trip to Canterlot, Starlight Glimmer opened the palace’s front door to find Trixie standing outside with potato chips, white wine, and a set of matching wine glasses in her magic grasp.

Trixie tipped her wizard hat. “M’lady.”

Starlight gaped. “I told you, we don’t need all these snacks!”

“And leave us without sustenance during our all-day Real Horsewives of Manehattan marathon?” Trixie scoffed and sauntered through the doorway, snacks in tow. “Amateur mistake.”

Starlight started with a rebuttal, but Trixie had already disappeared down a hallway, so she just rolled her eyes and followed after. When she reached the TV room, Trixie had already put down her gifts and slumped deep into the couch cushions.

Grabbing the remote, Starlight hopped onto the couch next to her. “So, where were we? Dizzy Spritz just caught her coltfriend cheating with Redwing?”

“No, that was last season. Redwing is opening a perfume store now.”

“Right.” Starlight clicked on their show, and the sound of mares yelling filled the room. With a sigh, she settled into her seat. “Is there anything more relaxing than watching bad TV with a good friend?”

“I can think of one way to make it more relaxing.” Trixie chuckled. “Twilight’s gone today, right?”

Starlight nodded. “Yep. Off collecting taxes… Or whatever it is princesses do. Why?”

Trixie took a few furtive glances around, then lifted her hat to uncover a long black box sitting on her head. “I just didn’t want Little Miss Lawful Good calling the cops on us.”

Starlight grabbed the box from Trixie and popped the top off. Inside she found a bundle of long red stalks, each one sparkling like it’d been dipped in glitter.

She snickered. “Rhubarb? What is this, college?”

“This isn’t any old rhubarb,” Trixie said, snatching the box back. She reared onto her hind hooves and held her plants high into the air. “This is magical rhubarb, enchanted with the power of the stars themselves!”

“Uh-huh,” Starlight said, eyebrow raised. “And how does that make it any different from regular rhubarb?”

Trixie dropped back onto all fours. “I’m not sure,” she said, squinting at the stalks. “But the stallion I bought it from was very convincing.”

“Well, count me out.” Starlight crossed her forelegs and shook her head. “When I moved into this castle, Twilight had me sign a strict ‘No Drugs, No Cussing’ pledge. I dare to not do drugs.”


Starlight kept her pout for a moment more, then broke into a snort. “Fuck no. Lemme go get my lighter.”

“I hope your store burns to the ground, Redwing!”

A thick string of drool dribbed from Starlight’s mouth, down her chin, and into the couch cushion. Next to her, Trixie stared up at the ceiling, her stomach covered in potato chip crumbs.

Within the hour, the two of them had gone through all the chips and half a bottle of wine. They’d even broken into Spike’s hidden stash of snacks, and Starlight had a pot of popcorn heating on the stove in the nearby kitchen.

The rhythmic sound of popping corn kernels floated through the room.

“Don’t burn the popcorn,” Trixie said.

“I’ll know when they’re done,” Starlight drawled.

A few minutes passed. The popping sound stopped. Neither mare got up.

“Redwing sucks,” Trixie said.


Minutes passed. A light haze of smoke wisped across the ceiling.

“What’s that?”

“Probably Spike.”

Minutes passed. The smoke grew darker.

Trixie lifted her head. “Isn’t Spike in Canterlot?”

Starlight slowly blinked her red eyes.

When Twilight returned to Ponyville, she found half the town gathered around her palace, which had burst into flames. At the front of the crowd stood Starlight and Trixie, the latter of whom Twilight shot a withering glare at.

Trixie stomped a hoof. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault this time!”

“I’m so disappointed in you two! Did my ‘No Drugs, No Cussing’ pledge mean nothing?” Twilight gave Starlight a sorrowful glance. “You know what I always say, Starlight. Just say no!”

Starlight hung her head. “You’re right, Twilight. I’m sorry — I’ll never smoke in the castle again.”

With a nod, Twilight flew off to help fight the fire. That left Starlight and Trixie to stand in silence and regret.

Trixie waited until Twilight was out of earshot, then pulled out the box of rhubarb again. “Wanna keep the party going at my wagon?”

“Do you even have cable?”

“Yeah, I steal it from Rarity.”

“Oh, fuck yeah.”
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#1 · 2
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
This one is genuinely fun. Nicely written, the story is zany, but not too much to degenerate into slapstick, and the two protagonists play wonderfully off one another. I wish Twilight had a more witty line, though. Her cameo is quite bland. But well done! This will probably land atop my slate, or near it.

(Oh, and by the way, I love rhubarb pastry).
#2 · 1
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm not a big fan of drug jokes, and cursing feels a bit too close to edgy for my tastes. But maybe that's why my favorite part of this piece was Twilight's "No Drugs, No Cussing" pledge. Twilight as a sheltered Christian youth group alumnus (combined with the Reagan-era propaganda) makes perfect sense.

To Mono's (>>Monokeras) point about Twilight not having much to do, that would be helped by cutting the intro a bit. We probably don't need to see Trixie entering and walking into the castle -- just start in the TV room, closer to the conflict's introduction.
#3 · 1
I'm in total agreement with Dub's sentiment regarding Twilight being a "Just Say No!" evangelical. That may just well be the best joke in the entire contest. And it's always fun to see Trixie and Starlight being Chaotic Neutral idiots.

Well, stoner humor honestly isn't really my thing, so unfortunately a lot of the other gags didn't work their magic on me. I think the middle scene in particular is the weakest of the piece. I get that you're trying to describe a really dumb and ridiculous situation via deadpan, and I'm not entirely sure why, but it just didn't land for me. The story really lost a lot of momentum for me right there.

I don't think I do a great job of judging comedies, and I know that a lot of this is all subjective opinion. But it did feel to me like your most inspired material was in the set-up of the story, and the latter two scenes kinda felt almost perfunctory to me.

I hope this rambling drivel made even the slightest bit of sense.

Thank you for writing!
#4 · 2
A worthwhile commentary on the effectiveness of D.A.R.E.
#5 · 1
My new Stand, [Little Miss Lawful Good]!

This pleases Rao. Glimmy and Trixie are easy to slip into a comedic scene, and I was smiling pretty well most of the way through here. I will not publicly address how much weed I did or did not smoke in my youth, or acknowledge the very difficult time I had climbing down from a tree house once in said youth, but I will say that I have a soft spot of some stoner comedies.

We lean on the obvious tropes here, but they got me going all the same. The string of drool, the stomach covered in chip crumbs, a random very convincing stallion selling you some mysteriously good stuff which surprisingly lives up to the hype. Then getting busted by the mom type after one yard catches fire down the street which had nothing to do with us I swear.

... Where were we? Right, story. Good stuff, 10/10 nostalgia points and one dare to be stupid music video.
#6 · 2
When considering the prompt, my first thought was: If Twilight left Starlight and Trixie alone at her castle for the day, what sort of nonsense would they get up to?

Then I remembered that 12 years ago, all the way back in Season One, I read a fic where someone used rhubarb as an in-universe substitute for weed, and how I've always wanted to write a fic with that. Perfect opportunity!

Thanks to everyone for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the D.A.R.E. jokes, which is one of my favorite topics to parody.

Fuck you