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Seeing Double
FiM Minific
Seeing Double
Do or Die
Poetry Short Short
Do or Die
#25374 · 2
· on Neighapolitan
I just don't understand the issue with Applejack and Rainbow Dash sharing ice cream in the closet.

Was it an intervention for an overweight friend? Was it a pizza party for Sweetie Belle, where adults were discouraged from causing too much disruption? Was the ice cream of a special vintage, to be saved for the occasion of Rarity's first born child?

Perhaps during a muggy night in the city one might be agonized by the memory of a damned cold treat--but AJ and RD can hardly be blamed for that, whatever the circumstance might have been.

This is a kind of cautionary tale against traveling to Italy, in my view. Stay away if you don't want your taste in artisanal food products get in the way of friendly interactions with your cider-guzzling townie friends.

Excellent word count.
#25300 · 1
· on H Bomb · >>Monokeras
I think this story would benefit from a more careful prewriting process. There are lots of ideas flying about--it's a "gamma ray blast" of its own.

See if you can "see" the whole piece before drafting--not every detail, but having a sense of the beginning, middle, and end.

This will help you decide what is necessary or not as you revise your story.

Keep going!
#25363 · 1
· on The Fairy Console · >>Monokeras
That puppy is the villain of this short tale.

We have a hand in the suffering which war, and teenage sexuality, bring. The fairy console is a meager consolation.

Puppies are innocent. This means they are free of the weight of regret. Ana, however, is bed-ridden by the conclusion, and "staring at the ceiling for a long time."

Perhaps she has a long-lost brother, a Gregor Samsa who has undergone a repulsive transformation. She cannot live with him. Soon she will be throwing apples, trying to repel its mocking presence. She will have to explain it to the neighbors. And it won't suffice to say that it came from the old toy. There is no excuse for it--only that's just how things are.

Maybe another war would solve the issue.
#25364 · 1
· on Working Cats
The style is pleasantly onomatopoeiac. All the adverbs are in the right places; every action has no more and no less the proper amount of rogue. The writer is therefore effective at communicating a narrative without dialogue. He (she) is the funk drummer who, putting the backbeat on just the precise part of the pocket, signals the liquored patrons that it's universal time to hit the dance floor.

However, I am left feeling flat on the thematic level. The story seems to miss what is interesting about both what is modern and what is a fairy tale, and reads as a bit of a narrative portmanteau.
#25293 ·
· on Lace Over Chitin · >>thebandbrony
Clever handling of subtext.

Palette’s hoof slipped. Bright red pony blood wept across Chrysalis’s left leg lace. The queen reached out towards the earth pony. A delicate sound filled the room, that of fine imported lace tearing.

is condensed and effective.

I enjoy how Chrysalis suspects Palette's 'inclination' before she herself does.

The lace is useful as a metaphor but could be powerful as a concrete image. The writer wants to 'relate':

It’s ponies that are the real monsters[...]we hurt you, and you continue to pour out your love like the wound is not there. Love is your treachery. It reveals us.

Find a way to let the lace 'relate'.
#25301 ·
· on A View of Both Sides · >>GroaningGreyAgony
This is a superb little morsel.

I originally misread "Rural Delivery" as "Rural Devil", but was delighted with it. It was a pawn move out of nowhere which won the game.

However, "Rural Delivery" is cute, and more apropos to the writer's intent.
#25307 ·
· on Counterfeit Image · >>PinoyPony
You saw the beginning!

One strategy you might employ next time you're in a prompt context is working backwards from the ending. Let it come to you in a "flash".
#25308 ·
· on Seeing Double
Her sapphire confidence had been blunted with glaucous gray

I'm surprised she didn't turn purple from being sketched in such a turgid style. The characters all sound alike, and the punchline of this shaggy dog story got locked in the house, where it was forgotten behind a bric-a-brac yard.
#25312 ·
· on Seeing Double · >>Monokeras
Here's a fact: in season seven, (the recently crowned) Princess Ember visits Ponyville in a diplomatic role and can't tell the difference between Twilight and Starlight, because "[they] both look and act so much alike".

I enjoyed this bit of meta-commentary on the mid-life reboot of the main cast.

The idea here is to extend and add roots to Princess Ember's confusion. Not only can she not tell the two ponies apart, but the indolent Foreign Ministry of the Dragon Lands has been having the same difficulty for years, and have studied ponies from afar, as it were, in the manner of ornithologists.

Thus, the envoy Slate's savvy in international affairs resembles a birdwatcher, in that he identifies "horns, wings, and coats of dazzling colors." But most importantly he is acquainted with their "calls" in a kind of distant, academic way (how many bird calls can you identify?) and makes his recommendation for Ember to proceed with her difficulty on this basis.

Ember tries to give Starlight and Twilight the opportunity to speak during her petition, by making pauses, but is served with dead silence. Finally, not being well-learned in Pony Latin, she attempts to recall their "binomial nomenclature" and produces a mangled name--which, no doubt to further confusion, happens to be the name of a mangled pony in the audience (a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash hybrid).

Ember's "private victory" is that she believes she now knows which of the identical luminaries is the real princess of Equestria, based on Slate's description of their speech--when Starlight scolds her, she is able to deduce Twilight, ipso facto. But of course, both Starlight and Twilight have horns, are purple, and have "iconic haircuts".
#25377 ·
· on James
The versification is pretty and well-executed. An erudite interpretation of the theme, but lacking any concrete objects. Compare the effect against the pietist's rejoinder: "epistle of straw".