Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

In the Night Time · Poetry Minific ·
Organised by Anon Y Mous
Word limit 15–1000
Show rules for this event
#1 ·
· on The Dawn Comes
This sounds like the prolegomena to a story called "The Dawn Comes". I am interested to know why the protagonist detests the daylight, sleeps during the day, and why he or she must find a woman of their own height to be happy. Also noteworthy is that the character interprets their lessons as a 'paid price', as though for something precious, though they themselves seem sufficiently "enlightened" above their contemporary.

As a poem, however, these come off as ambiguous. I get your idea, that 'dusk is dawn'--but as a reader I feel as though there is a shorthand at work for something to which I am not privy. I would say, try to get your images and your interest to work together, so that, for instance, the "rhythm of life" grows out of the subject, and doesn't just belong to the character's 'attitude'.
#2 ·
· on Reflections
I'm blushing!
#3 ·
· on The Dawn Comes
I'm not sure what this is about. My best guess is it's a student at a Catholic school who's spending a night out to experience a bit of wildness and independence, but there are several allusions to abuse that remain only allusions, as if he's just propagating a rumor or making a joke instead of having experienced any himself.

The language use is good, but the structure is irregular. Which can be fine if that was the intent, but it kept tripping me up. There are lots of slant rhymes, which work better when hearing poetry (as in a song) than in reading it. But look at the first stanza. It could be an AAAA rhyme scheme, but the 2nd and 4th lines have that sound on an unstressed syllable, so it's also a plausible ABAB. Given how stretched some of the later lines become, I could even buy this as AABB, AAAB, or any other. So when I get to the 2nd stanza, that one's ABAB. Feels like I'm settled in, then. But the 3rd goes ABAB, and it's a real stretch to rhyme notes/hope, so now I'm wondering whether it's ABAC. 4th seems to confirm that, as convenience/seamless is pretty weak, leading me to question whether it was even intended to rhyme. The rest are close enough to ABAB. My overall impression is that was the intent, but particularly since the first one is close enough to AAAA, you have to be careful about giving an inaccurate first impression.

Back to the meaning, though. This person goes to stay at an inn, then goes out during the night. Why do the monks then feel his papers? He's not returning to the school, since he's trying to go dancing. Are they stationed out in town as well, just to check random people? If so, then this feels like a much more fictional place, and I don't even know how the rules work, so it's harder to grasp what significance anything has.
#4 ·
· on Reflections · >>Heavy_Mole
Did I sneeze?

I get the hierarchy of light going from the sun to the moon to the Earth, but then I don't know the significance of it going from you to me. I could speculate that it's two friends or lovers enjoying the moonlight. Unless the second use of "moon" is direct address and the narrator is speaking to it?
#5 ·
· on Sweat
I feel like I'm missing some historical context to understand this. The reference to Mad Charles makes me think it's narrated by a soldier in a long-ago English war.

There's a lot of creative language use (porcupines evokes a group of spear-wielding soldiers to me), and I'm afraid some of it is too clever and just rolls off me (I don't know what the bit about drudgery versus parody means, and I don't get the use of "rub"). It's also one where the rhyme scheme seems fluid. The majority of the stanzas seem to be ABBCD, where each stanza's D becomes the next stanza's A, except the last one just does ABBCC. But there are breaks from that (the 4th stanza's told/low doesn't even come close to rhyming) and some are pretty big stretches (helm/foretells, wend/highwaymen) so that I can't tell if a rhyme scheme was even intended. It almost feels like slam poetry to me, where rhymes just go in irregularly, wherever the poet is inspired to put them.
#6 ·
· on Reflections
There's an old Jewish folk adage, given to couples in courtship, that the sun "chases" the moon, not because the moon is itself luminescent, but because it reflects the bright rays of its admirer back upon itself.

Sun, bless the Moon.

I'm sure the author would be kind enough to permit us to use such a tasteful pick-up line!
#7 ·
· on Sweat
I agree that this seems to be painting an historical image but without furnishing much to help the reader. Sometimes this can be a very effective technique, if there is the right material for reference, or at least some footnotes; but to try and "reflect" on behalf of the reader is probably a mistake.