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In the Night Time · Poetry Minific ·
Organised by Anon Y Mous
Word limit 15–1000
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The Dawn Comes
The glow rises above the horizon
Night creatures scurry to get their business done
While watching the movement of twisted bisons
Lamenting how I hate the animals of the sun

Grey dead plains stir with creatures
They have such dopey sickening features
Have to study because of my teachers
This price I pay to get enlighten

Sicking light starts burning my skin
My spirits drop low as I take notes
Finish up my chore and walk to the inn
Pay the ugly hag and regain hope

Lay my head on the ancient pillow
Fall asleep dreamless and seamless
Wake up and eat some dried armadillo
Leaving the inn and find night's convenience

Market is busy and the children run around
Farmers come with their meager produce
Feeling glad how busy the people in the town
Walking to the chapel's teachers hoping to avoid abuse

Eyeless monks feel though my papers
No abuse at their hands comes tonight
Thank their good mood due to the maker
Leave their company in great flight

My time is now my own without strife
Go search for a woman my height
So I can dance the rhythm of life
Spending a fun time in the night
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#1 ·
This sounds like the prolegomena to a story called "The Dawn Comes". I am interested to know why the protagonist detests the daylight, sleeps during the day, and why he or she must find a woman of their own height to be happy. Also noteworthy is that the character interprets their lessons as a 'paid price', as though for something precious, though they themselves seem sufficiently "enlightened" above their contemporary.

As a poem, however, these come off as ambiguous. I get your idea, that 'dusk is dawn'--but as a reader I feel as though there is a shorthand at work for something to which I am not privy. I would say, try to get your images and your interest to work together, so that, for instance, the "rhythm of life" grows out of the subject, and doesn't just belong to the character's 'attitude'.
#2 ·
I'm not sure what this is about. My best guess is it's a student at a Catholic school who's spending a night out to experience a bit of wildness and independence, but there are several allusions to abuse that remain only allusions, as if he's just propagating a rumor or making a joke instead of having experienced any himself.

The language use is good, but the structure is irregular. Which can be fine if that was the intent, but it kept tripping me up. There are lots of slant rhymes, which work better when hearing poetry (as in a song) than in reading it. But look at the first stanza. It could be an AAAA rhyme scheme, but the 2nd and 4th lines have that sound on an unstressed syllable, so it's also a plausible ABAB. Given how stretched some of the later lines become, I could even buy this as AABB, AAAB, or any other. So when I get to the 2nd stanza, that one's ABAB. Feels like I'm settled in, then. But the 3rd goes ABAB, and it's a real stretch to rhyme notes/hope, so now I'm wondering whether it's ABAC. 4th seems to confirm that, as convenience/seamless is pretty weak, leading me to question whether it was even intended to rhyme. The rest are close enough to ABAB. My overall impression is that was the intent, but particularly since the first one is close enough to AAAA, you have to be careful about giving an inaccurate first impression.

Back to the meaning, though. This person goes to stay at an inn, then goes out during the night. Why do the monks then feel his papers? He's not returning to the school, since he's trying to go dancing. Are they stationed out in town as well, just to check random people? If so, then this feels like a much more fictional place, and I don't even know how the rules work, so it's harder to grasp what significance anything has.