It seems that the closer you get to condensing narrative form, the closer you get to the essence of a joke. (I wonder if this would work in reverse--if something about a skeleton asking for a beer and a mop were extended, whether it would become a serious reflection on fate/destiny).

In any case, I enjoy this kind of wordplay which is not only clever but helps deliver a dry humorous tone. I commend your punchline. Also probably a wise move to structure it action--> background --> gag, rather than saving the piemine for later; makes it easier on the reader.

Congrats to Groaning, as always (!).

>>Pascoite
Ah, some unanticipated ambiguity. The 'beam' is the rafter with lights around it. It's about the physical experience of doing yoga on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. I was going for a simple subject with this, but looks like I need a more practice.

Thanks for your critique.

>>Pascoite
Thanks for taking the time to read. It's not just you. You're right to say that the story feels unfocused. I would go even further and say that it's not quite a story, yet. The allusion I have in mind is not clear, so there's little narrative tension and a whole lot of 'baubles' ("Ooh, this looks like... something."). It's the "ugly side" of my writing, generally. But at the risk of making excuses I'd say this is just a draft and was meant as more of a warm-up after the holidays.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Oh, but the waiting...!

This is the first time I've been the only entrant in a Write-off. Does that mean the contest is declared null?

>>Baal Bunny
Maybe you can sneak it in under a different prompt, something related to goats or threes or obliquities thereof...

Too bad about this round. You have such a realized style that I always learn something when we "compete".

"Try again later."

>>Monokeras
Yes, something like that, but I was trying to be careful not to wander into moralizing about technology. I wanted to talk about Megan as a creature--which, incidentally, happens to be our creature. Just as she had figured out the ponies and introduced a little weirdness into their lives, so they returned the favor.

Thanks for your feedback!

Sunset is wavering between spurned self-doubt and manufactured bravado. Then, there is the chaotic element of stepping across the interdimensional mirror. That could be good for a story, but here what we get is a description of a scene which most of your readers are probably already familiar with. Take these things that interest you about Sunset and find a way to turn it into action.

This interaction is very mysterious. On the one hand, if filly Twilight is not allowed to create a time loop, then her presence with regard to ‘causality’ is something like an epiphenomenon, or something Sunset really believed she imagined; on the other hand, supposing that Twilight really did go back into the past to satisfy her curiosity, to what motivation? Why would anyone have ghostly desires? I enjoyed getting a glimpse into these questions.

There are a lot of details about alcohol present but, for me, they don’t really contribute to characterization or to narrative tension. Instead they come off as ‘liquor talk’ which, as an outsider to that, makes me feel a little like I’m at a party where I don’t belong. I did enjoy the tone and punchline, however.

Hoo-ah!

"What a beautiful night!"

>>Pascoite
My bad.

The idea of this story was "falling out of love". I wanted to work backward from the resolution of a drama to its underlying tensions and hence, in practice, to be in a situation of having a solution and looking for problems.

The blueprint for this was:
1) We meet the woman, as a character;
2) We see the "parts" of the woman, in motion;
3) We meet the woman, as a personality;
4) We meet "Rene Thompkins".

The "clever" line was to show the man's arrogance, or his distance from the world of feeling he had shared with the woman at the beginning. But perhaps this isn't clear without the scheme of the story firmly established.

Off the bat, I have a nitpick. You need to think of different names for these characters, or a different way of talking about them. 'Stan' and 'Mike' are too generic for a piece which is so conceptually interesting, and which depends on that kind of interest. They make me think of Double Dragon.

'Repel' isn't the right word for what you're trying to describe, I don't think. Maybe 'cognate action'? I'd look it up. I mention it because I think how your reader winds up guessing about this idea will affect their interpretation of your story. My impression when "Mike" held the gun up was that he was ready to prove a point about complimentary action--"I kill you, and thereby bring life into this world," like a kind of Raskalnikov.

I know nothing about coffee or how it's produced (though I understand it can be an interesting and rewarding habit), and I loved all of the attention to detail we got here about the mechanics of the pot and the cleaning process. You even give us a mini history lesson on the subject with the line

This lovely design had consigned the old percolator systems to their dusty place in history.

which gives us a snapshot of the speaker's expertise, and, by transference, a certain narrative tension with regard to whether he or she will get their coffee the next morning or not!

Archetypally, this kind of fact-driven story wants to have a "shock" that makes the reader reevaluate those same facts in an unexpected way. The punchline here is okay--at least okay for the prompt--but it gives me the feeling of, "this whole thing was written so the character could say the line." Which is not necessarily a wrong place to begin, if you wanted to revise further. The solution may lead you to more interesting problems.

Here we go again...

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Good stuff!

I love the voicing of the characters, here; it's enjoyable to read something which fits the original show's tone and humor so well. But my favorite part was probably the casting for the tale, which puts Fluttershy to surprising and good use.

The only thing that didn't land with me was the image of eggs inside filly Twilight's mouth. I think it's a little clunky and doesn't really help characterize Twilight's new fiendish impulse, which is effectually the reader's send-off.

I found this to be an interesting attempt at show lore. I thought 'Stella' might have been a character I missed from one of the later seasons, but it wasn't hard to put together that she's meant to be a luminary cohort of Celestia and Luna's. The implication that her demise came about under Sombra's reign (comparing "...silvery, carved legs" with "...bony, flayed and misshapen [body parts]") is the story's most compelling allusion.

I think the set-up would be stronger if the reader had more chronological awareness of when the story was taking place. That would give context for Luna's reactions in the void without necessarily spoiling the surprise of her encounter with Sombra.

This story reads more like Poe than Cervantes. The key interest for me is the dark intent of the mulish jester, or perhaps the sunken ambition of the knight, for whom the former is a foil. I am left wondering if the jester regrets his betrayal, further exacerbated by the slow and eerie discharge of his master's execution (worse, I think, than if he had died on the spot).

I think there are parts of the introduction which come off as a bit wry (e.g. "...so well decorated that it must surely have been enchanted", "...pack mules and one mulish jester") and confuse the atmosphere of the story. I was anticipating something more comical.

Using Flim and Flam was a good character choice for this prompt. Here, you've taken their character trope and tweaked it so that their swindling ways are actually helpful to ponies around them. You could give them a bit of long-desired glory, or make them endure lots of humorous tension, or both.

In this draft, the Diamond Dogs seem to appear to answer the storyteller's wishes. They are a non-sequitur, the same as if Flam had found a genie's lamp on his way to town instead of an angry mob. This gives the story the tone of a fable or a joke. But, as yet, you do not have a strong punchline. I think there is some potential for one in the fact that Flim and Flam are twins with (presumably) different areas of expertise.

Rock and roll!

As a motivational piece of writing I think this is fine. As a poem I think the critical dilemma is making the call, or being in front of making the call. There is a lot that could be condensed into that.

I presume that the speaker is one of "the new old bad guys". Maybe that's why he/she turns away from ice cream, and in general has compunction indulging in a snack (besides the association of salt and dust). That's a pretty heavy theme, and something that puts the reader right in the senses of the afflicted. It gets a bit lost in the rubble, though. A fair portion of this poem is trying to get across that this person is distraught, but that is clear enough where you could bring in more of their concrete experience.

I think the most interesting part of this poem is the line "I see his smile and apperceive". This is mysterious. Presumably, the speaker isn't looking at his/her own skull (unless by x-ray, but that is a bit silly), so they must, like Hamlet, have a likeness in front of them--though the interpretation couldn't be further apart.