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To the World Made Obsolete
Twenty years after Celestia passed and the Exodus began, Applejack trotted through the empty streets of Ponyville, headed back from the post office. Not many ponies had stuck around once the other world opened, but enough merchants still lived in town to keep things chugging along.
For the third harvest in a row, the apple blight had struck their orchard, leaving most of their yearly crop inedible. And for the third harvest in a row, Applejack sent a letter direct to Princess Luna, asking for magical assistance. Not that Applejack ever got a response—the public hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Luna in years. That left Applejack and Big Mac to scrounge up what few crops that remained, help out the ponies who needed it, and survive.
Haunches aching, Applejack kept her head low. As she passed an abandoned flower shop, however, her entire body perked up at a familiar voice.
“I’ll see you soon, Davenport,” said Twilight, walking out another shop's door. “I promise, it’ll be great!”
The two locked eyes.
Twilight flew forward and wrapped Applejack in a hug. “Applejack, it’s been so long! I’ve missed you so much; we’ve missed you.”
Applejack bristled at the sly reminder, but smiled. “I’ve missed you too, sugarcube. I hope you didn’t think you could come back to Ponyville and not visit this old mare, did you?”
“You, old? Please. And I was about to stop by Sweet Apple Acres.” Twilight shook her head. “I needed a break; it’s been such a crazy year. We’ve finally got all the treaties worked out, everyone’s been relocated. We’ve even finished introducing magic to all the humans! It's a new friendship utopia!”
Applejack kept smiling. “It’s been five years.”
“Huh?” Twilight blinked, then chuckled. “Oh, duh! Time here runs five times faster than on Earth. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Applejack’s gaze drifted over the run-down buildings lining the streets. “It’s been crazy here, too. So many ponies have left. And I’m supposed to be helping feed everypony in town, but now the crops...” She saw Twilight’s smile growing and stopped.
“I think I can solve all your problems,” Twilight said. “I’ve found a perfect patch of land on Earth for you to start a new farm! Fifteen-hundred acres of unoccupied land, right on the coast, perfect for growing apples. With Earth’s population growing so fast, we need more farmers. You’d love it.”
Applejack sighed. “I told you, I’m not going. Equestria is my home. My kinfolk have worked this soil for generations; I ain't throwing away all their hard work.”
Twilight’s ears flattened. “Right.”
Applejack raised a brow. “And what does that mean?”
“I wish you weren’t so stubborn. Things are so much better on Earth! Medicine is so advanced, entertainment is endlessly diverse. On Earth, you can carry a million songs in a device smaller than your hoof!”
“That’s not the reason everypony jumped ship.”
“And?” Twilight’s smile returned, sharper. “Ponies can live five times longer on Earth than here. Don’t you want that? For Big Mac? For yourself?”
Applejack stared at Twilight’s polished hooves, across from her own cracked ones.
“All our friends are there already,” Twilight said. “So is Apple Bloom.”
“How is she?” Applejack asked, head snapping up. “Is she alright?”
“She’s doing great,” Twilight said. She touched Applejack's shoulder. “Everyone is doing great. We’re all waiting for you, AJ. We miss you.”
“I miss you too. More than anything,” Applejack said. She gritted her teeth, forced herself to look at Twilight. “But I’m not leaving Equestria behind, or the other ponies who still live here. Unlike—” She bit down the words she so wanted to say.
Twilight scowled anyway. “Do you think I hate Equestria? I’m doing what’s best for everyone! If I know a way to let all my friends live longer, don’t I have a responsibility to help them? Or should I just let them die before their time?”
“Before their—? What about us back home here?” Applejack shouted. She stomped her hoof. “It doesn’t matter why we haven’t left! You’re our princess, our friend. We’re dying out here. We need you too.”
Twilight wilted away. “I’m trying my best, Applejack. But emmigrating an entire civilization isn’t easy; I’ve got a lot of weight on my shoulders. I’m only human.”
Her words hung between them.
Applejack walked away. “Nice to see you, Twi.”
“Wait,” Twilight called, but Applejack broke into a sprint, ignoring the creaking in her joints, the pain jolting up her side with every step.
For the third harvest in a row, the apple blight had struck their orchard, leaving most of their yearly crop inedible. And for the third harvest in a row, Applejack sent a letter direct to Princess Luna, asking for magical assistance. Not that Applejack ever got a response—the public hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Luna in years. That left Applejack and Big Mac to scrounge up what few crops that remained, help out the ponies who needed it, and survive.
Haunches aching, Applejack kept her head low. As she passed an abandoned flower shop, however, her entire body perked up at a familiar voice.
“I’ll see you soon, Davenport,” said Twilight, walking out another shop's door. “I promise, it’ll be great!”
The two locked eyes.
Twilight flew forward and wrapped Applejack in a hug. “Applejack, it’s been so long! I’ve missed you so much; we’ve missed you.”
Applejack bristled at the sly reminder, but smiled. “I’ve missed you too, sugarcube. I hope you didn’t think you could come back to Ponyville and not visit this old mare, did you?”
“You, old? Please. And I was about to stop by Sweet Apple Acres.” Twilight shook her head. “I needed a break; it’s been such a crazy year. We’ve finally got all the treaties worked out, everyone’s been relocated. We’ve even finished introducing magic to all the humans! It's a new friendship utopia!”
Applejack kept smiling. “It’s been five years.”
“Huh?” Twilight blinked, then chuckled. “Oh, duh! Time here runs five times faster than on Earth. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Applejack’s gaze drifted over the run-down buildings lining the streets. “It’s been crazy here, too. So many ponies have left. And I’m supposed to be helping feed everypony in town, but now the crops...” She saw Twilight’s smile growing and stopped.
“I think I can solve all your problems,” Twilight said. “I’ve found a perfect patch of land on Earth for you to start a new farm! Fifteen-hundred acres of unoccupied land, right on the coast, perfect for growing apples. With Earth’s population growing so fast, we need more farmers. You’d love it.”
Applejack sighed. “I told you, I’m not going. Equestria is my home. My kinfolk have worked this soil for generations; I ain't throwing away all their hard work.”
Twilight’s ears flattened. “Right.”
Applejack raised a brow. “And what does that mean?”
“I wish you weren’t so stubborn. Things are so much better on Earth! Medicine is so advanced, entertainment is endlessly diverse. On Earth, you can carry a million songs in a device smaller than your hoof!”
“That’s not the reason everypony jumped ship.”
“And?” Twilight’s smile returned, sharper. “Ponies can live five times longer on Earth than here. Don’t you want that? For Big Mac? For yourself?”
Applejack stared at Twilight’s polished hooves, across from her own cracked ones.
“All our friends are there already,” Twilight said. “So is Apple Bloom.”
“How is she?” Applejack asked, head snapping up. “Is she alright?”
“She’s doing great,” Twilight said. She touched Applejack's shoulder. “Everyone is doing great. We’re all waiting for you, AJ. We miss you.”
“I miss you too. More than anything,” Applejack said. She gritted her teeth, forced herself to look at Twilight. “But I’m not leaving Equestria behind, or the other ponies who still live here. Unlike—” She bit down the words she so wanted to say.
Twilight scowled anyway. “Do you think I hate Equestria? I’m doing what’s best for everyone! If I know a way to let all my friends live longer, don’t I have a responsibility to help them? Or should I just let them die before their time?”
“Before their—? What about us back home here?” Applejack shouted. She stomped her hoof. “It doesn’t matter why we haven’t left! You’re our princess, our friend. We’re dying out here. We need you too.”
Twilight wilted away. “I’m trying my best, Applejack. But emmigrating an entire civilization isn’t easy; I’ve got a lot of weight on my shoulders. I’m only human.”
Her words hung between them.
Applejack walked away. “Nice to see you, Twi.”
“Wait,” Twilight called, but Applejack broke into a sprint, ignoring the creaking in her joints, the pain jolting up her side with every step.
I believe Celestia passed away instead of simply passed.
Overall, I feel like this story aimed for a big and interesting conflict between Applejack and Twilight, but unfortunately, since the setting is not the one from the show, you had to spend words describing it, which left you with left room when it came down to the actual dialogue between the two friends. Thus, their conversation lacks some subtlety, like Twilight blunlty calling out AJ's stubborness.
However, that last line (I’m only human) is effective, and that's the kind of subtlety I'm talking about. You don't need to have AJ explaining what this sentence means, just have her react to it and let your reader understand what it going on.
Thanks for sharing.
Overall, I feel like this story aimed for a big and interesting conflict between Applejack and Twilight, but unfortunately, since the setting is not the one from the show, you had to spend words describing it, which left you with left room when it came down to the actual dialogue between the two friends. Thus, their conversation lacks some subtlety, like Twilight blunlty calling out AJ's stubborness.
However, that last line (I’m only human) is effective, and that's the kind of subtlety I'm talking about. You don't need to have AJ explaining what this sentence means, just have her react to it and let your reader understand what it going on.
Thanks for sharing.
I figured I'd try going after all the stories with only 2 comments, but there were 12 of those yesterday. Fortunately, people filled in overnight, and there are only 6 remaining! So I'll make sure every story has at least 3 comments.
I liked this one. There's a very real emotional conflict going on, but it suffers from lack of context.
For one, I don't know what's gone wrong with Equestria. Is it just the lack of agricultural productivity? Is Celestia's death related? It's not even said how or why she died. Unless "passed" is meant to say she went to the human world. That seems unlike her, though, as does Luna turning a deaf ear. Has she also died or gone to the human world? Why wouldn't everyone know? For that matter, I don't know what this human world is. The EqG mirror? That's my guess, when coupled with the differing passage of time, but it never says, and I can't tell from the story whether this is TCB or something else. Plus Twilight's comment about being "only human." Well, that doesn't differentiate much. It leans toward an explanation that ponies actually become human versus simply living among them. Just mentioning the mirror would have cleared all that up.
For that matter, why would AJ need to toil to feed Equestria? Here's my logic: Twilight would like all the ponies to move to Earth. If they did, Earth would have to feed them all. She obviously thinks it's capable of doing so. But if the ponies stay in Equestria and import food from Earth, they only need one year's worth of food every five years. Sure, send enough of a labor force over to produce that food, but it seems more viable when Equestria is still habitable.
The other thing that bugged me is how little we get of Apple Bloom. Does she correspond with AJ? If this is truly the only news she's gotten in a long time, I'd think she'd want to know more. And Twilight's not really correct in saying ponies would live longer there. In a relative sense, sure, but not as they experience it. A year in the human world still feels like a year.
It also glosses over all the concerns Twilight had about the human world, if indeed this is EqG, like bringing Equestrian magic there or meeting your double.
So it feels like a lot of the story's fringes unravel, but the core is a nice tale of friendship and perceived betrayal that packs a punch. Though it's interesting to note that giving AJ some space to work it out for a week just means coming back tomorrow for Twilight. Hm, wouldn't that make it so half the time you went through the mirror during the day, you'd emerge from the other side during the night? EqG never addresses that, though it's unclear they have disparate time streams at all. Most evidence points to not. Maybe this isn't EqG after all...
I liked this one. There's a very real emotional conflict going on, but it suffers from lack of context.
For one, I don't know what's gone wrong with Equestria. Is it just the lack of agricultural productivity? Is Celestia's death related? It's not even said how or why she died. Unless "passed" is meant to say she went to the human world. That seems unlike her, though, as does Luna turning a deaf ear. Has she also died or gone to the human world? Why wouldn't everyone know? For that matter, I don't know what this human world is. The EqG mirror? That's my guess, when coupled with the differing passage of time, but it never says, and I can't tell from the story whether this is TCB or something else. Plus Twilight's comment about being "only human." Well, that doesn't differentiate much. It leans toward an explanation that ponies actually become human versus simply living among them. Just mentioning the mirror would have cleared all that up.
For that matter, why would AJ need to toil to feed Equestria? Here's my logic: Twilight would like all the ponies to move to Earth. If they did, Earth would have to feed them all. She obviously thinks it's capable of doing so. But if the ponies stay in Equestria and import food from Earth, they only need one year's worth of food every five years. Sure, send enough of a labor force over to produce that food, but it seems more viable when Equestria is still habitable.
The other thing that bugged me is how little we get of Apple Bloom. Does she correspond with AJ? If this is truly the only news she's gotten in a long time, I'd think she'd want to know more. And Twilight's not really correct in saying ponies would live longer there. In a relative sense, sure, but not as they experience it. A year in the human world still feels like a year.
It also glosses over all the concerns Twilight had about the human world, if indeed this is EqG, like bringing Equestrian magic there or meeting your double.
So it feels like a lot of the story's fringes unravel, but the core is a nice tale of friendship and perceived betrayal that packs a punch. Though it's interesting to note that giving AJ some space to work it out for a week just means coming back tomorrow for Twilight. Hm, wouldn't that make it so half the time you went through the mirror during the day, you'd emerge from the other side during the night? EqG never addresses that, though it's unclear they have disparate time streams at all. Most evidence points to not. Maybe this isn't EqG after all...
I like the conflict here. and I like the general tone of the whole story. It's nice that this world does feel sad, but not oppressively bleak.
But I'm sorry to say that I kinda bounced off of this one. I think about half of the reason is those first two paragraphs. First impressions are everything in a minific, and it really steals the wind out of an setting-based story's sails when you start out with an info dump like that. IMHO, you absolutely need to find a way to integrate this information better.
The other half is that the crux of the conflict itself feels a bit flimsy to me. Applejack seems like she's being stubborn for the sake of being "the stubborn one." It honestly feels cliche to me how she goes with the "this is my home, and I won't leave" song and dance. If we had a little more time to make an emotional connection, I can buy into it, but the fact that I was probably already a bit emotionally distant from the infodump opening made it tough to sympathize. Twilight's arguments also feel a little bit weird. I mean, she obviously did not notice the time difference, but she keeps bringing living longer as a plus. I know singling this out is a bit knit-picky, but when you're trying to sell a chronic argument between characters that canonically have a literally magical friendship, you need to make sure that every little argument feels solid.
I definitely think that we need a lot more than a minific's worth of time in this universe. There are a lot of hints to interesting things (Luna, time-dilation, Apple Bloom) that are ripe for character exploration and conflict, but I don't think 750 words is enough to make them feel like they've payed off.
But I'm sorry to say that I kinda bounced off of this one. I think about half of the reason is those first two paragraphs. First impressions are everything in a minific, and it really steals the wind out of an setting-based story's sails when you start out with an info dump like that. IMHO, you absolutely need to find a way to integrate this information better.
The other half is that the crux of the conflict itself feels a bit flimsy to me. Applejack seems like she's being stubborn for the sake of being "the stubborn one." It honestly feels cliche to me how she goes with the "this is my home, and I won't leave" song and dance. If we had a little more time to make an emotional connection, I can buy into it, but the fact that I was probably already a bit emotionally distant from the infodump opening made it tough to sympathize. Twilight's arguments also feel a little bit weird. I mean, she obviously did not notice the time difference, but she keeps bringing living longer as a plus. I know singling this out is a bit knit-picky, but when you're trying to sell a chronic argument between characters that canonically have a literally magical friendship, you need to make sure that every little argument feels solid.
I definitely think that we need a lot more than a minific's worth of time in this universe. There are a lot of hints to interesting things (Luna, time-dilation, Apple Bloom) that are ripe for character exploration and conflict, but I don't think 750 words is enough to make them feel like they've payed off.
See >>Pascoite & >>Bachiavellian. There is some decent emotion here, but I get hung on up on some of the logical threads. Like, as a longtime fantasy buff, that that isn't how aging works. They wouldn't actually live longer on earth, as the relative time they experience should be the same. Stuff like that.