Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
FiM
Short Story
14th
63%
275
Before there is some proper writeoff reviewing being done, I decided since I kept banging on about titles in other rounds that I ought talk a little about titles. So I grabbed Ran and we went through all the titles (without looking at the fics) and amalgamated some thoughts on them.
So what sort of thoughts are these? Well, imagine we were at the bookstore, browsing book spines. Which stories do we pull off the shelf to look at? Which do we ignore? FIND OUT NOW.
We'll do one more look after we get through the stories to again assess how well the titles worked within the context of the story, because, yeah, to reiterate, this is some blind browsing bullshit here.
LEMME GET A LOOK AT THAT
Under the Sun: The Game!: I personally hate this exclamation point, but it accurately sells the seem irreverence and comedy, which means if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in!
THAUMIC FIRES: A PRACTICAL APPROACH: STANDS OUT IN THE LIST. GOOD HOOK IDEA AS IT IMPLIES CHARACTERIZATION AND CONCEPT. RAN THINKS THIS IMPLIES TRIXIE. I THINK THIS IMPLIES TWILIGHT. WHO WILL RISE? WHO WILL FALL?
HMMM... MAYBE...
The Roe King's Tomb: I hope this is about fish eggs.
To Bring Back The Sun: Not super exciting, but does solid a job of implying the sort of story this might be
Unexpected Hazards of Interdimensional Transit: Its close to being funny, but doesn't quite make it. Not quite punchy enough.
Down To The Waterline: Reads nicely, seems to set some atmosphere.
Tales from Another Time: A Cantata Mezza Voce: Pretentious, long, vaguely interesting, lowercase F is weird as the only lower case, and probably about music ponies.
A Walk Beyond the Stars: It's fine. Vaguely pleasant sounding. Ran bets Sci-Fi, I bet Twilight/Celestia romance.
MIGHT TAKE A SECOND LOOK
The Nightmare Macabre: While I don't personally like this and I think it sounds like a bad indie horror game, I am forced, on principle, to agree that it does do a good job of (presumably) setting the tone for what kind of story this is going to be. I still don't like the words together.
The Archetypist: Not super great, but there is something to be said for the question of what an Archetypist is.
Unnatural Remedies: Cute little play on natural rememdies that has me vaguely intrigued as to what kind of story it is, but I am once again forced to agree that it doesn't really do a good job actaully communicating anything as to whether I want to read this story.
A Ghost of a Problem: There is some intrigue here and this at least seems to offer us something (spooky ghosts, I hope), but doesn't read good.
PASS
And Not Pick One: It just doesn't flow well. Kinda just thuds into place as written. Could be good in context of the story, but here in the "is this pulling us in?" review chunk? Nah.
72 hours: Title case is important, especially in such short title. It really stands out and sort of sets the tone for it being not super great writing.
Unsolicited: Just no real hook. One word titles have to be awesome words. Like mimblewimble.
A Gem Beneath: Needs something to follow up the word beneath. It just feels incomplete.
The Fool and the Sun: I am thou. Thou art I. Thou dost not tell us anything nor engage us in anyway.
No Brakes: Sorta the same thing as Unnatural Remedies, but doesn't strike with the cuteness to at least vaguely intrigue me.
Looking for Trouble: Generic regular phrase does not particularly inspire me to try.
So what sort of thoughts are these? Well, imagine we were at the bookstore, browsing book spines. Which stories do we pull off the shelf to look at? Which do we ignore? FIND OUT NOW.
We'll do one more look after we get through the stories to again assess how well the titles worked within the context of the story, because, yeah, to reiterate, this is some blind browsing bullshit here.
LEMME GET A LOOK AT THAT
Under the Sun: The Game!: I personally hate this exclamation point, but it accurately sells the seem irreverence and comedy, which means if you're looking for that sort of thing, you're in!
THAUMIC FIRES: A PRACTICAL APPROACH: STANDS OUT IN THE LIST. GOOD HOOK IDEA AS IT IMPLIES CHARACTERIZATION AND CONCEPT. RAN THINKS THIS IMPLIES TRIXIE. I THINK THIS IMPLIES TWILIGHT. WHO WILL RISE? WHO WILL FALL?
HMMM... MAYBE...
The Roe King's Tomb: I hope this is about fish eggs.
To Bring Back The Sun: Not super exciting, but does solid a job of implying the sort of story this might be
Unexpected Hazards of Interdimensional Transit: Its close to being funny, but doesn't quite make it. Not quite punchy enough.
Down To The Waterline: Reads nicely, seems to set some atmosphere.
Tales from Another Time: A Cantata Mezza Voce: Pretentious, long, vaguely interesting, lowercase F is weird as the only lower case, and probably about music ponies.
A Walk Beyond the Stars: It's fine. Vaguely pleasant sounding. Ran bets Sci-Fi, I bet Twilight/Celestia romance.
MIGHT TAKE A SECOND LOOK
The Nightmare Macabre: While I don't personally like this and I think it sounds like a bad indie horror game, I am forced, on principle, to agree that it does do a good job of (presumably) setting the tone for what kind of story this is going to be. I still don't like the words together.
The Archetypist: Not super great, but there is something to be said for the question of what an Archetypist is.
Unnatural Remedies: Cute little play on natural rememdies that has me vaguely intrigued as to what kind of story it is, but I am once again forced to agree that it doesn't really do a good job actaully communicating anything as to whether I want to read this story.
A Ghost of a Problem: There is some intrigue here and this at least seems to offer us something (spooky ghosts, I hope), but doesn't read good.
PASS
And Not Pick One: It just doesn't flow well. Kinda just thuds into place as written. Could be good in context of the story, but here in the "is this pulling us in?" review chunk? Nah.
72 hours: Title case is important, especially in such short title. It really stands out and sort of sets the tone for it being not super great writing.
Unsolicited: Just no real hook. One word titles have to be awesome words. Like mimblewimble.
A Gem Beneath: Needs something to follow up the word beneath. It just feels incomplete.
The Fool and the Sun: I am thou. Thou art I. Thou dost not tell us anything nor engage us in anyway.
No Brakes: Sorta the same thing as Unnatural Remedies, but doesn't strike with the cuteness to at least vaguely intrigue me.
Looking for Trouble: Generic regular phrase does not particularly inspire me to try.
Title assessments once again! You all are owed a wrap up from last round probably, but eh. I want to start reviewing, and if we're reviewing titles blind, gotta do that first!
LEMME READ IT
This Story is a Metaphor for the Canterbury Tales - Personal appeal here, since, broadly speaking, I was a medievalist. I wanna know how this story is going to go down, for all that I fear this is some bait and switch.
Monokeras and Fenton's Whacky French Adventures - It is straight fanservice, but it is a good way to garnerr attention in the right crowd. I hjave a pretty solid idea of what I'm getting into here, and I do want to know what it's gonna be.
MAYBE I'LL READ IT
Even Chewbacca Is Not Bulletproof - Some potential here, but I think the contraction would make it read better. That said, I'm less a Star Wars person, so I'm a bit less interested.
Every World We Visit Is Dead - I lost my leg like I lost my way / So no loose ends / Nothing to see me down / How are we going to work this out? // Seriously though, this is a good, solid hook right off the bat.
Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad - Less a clear hook than the above, but still presents an interesting idea that makes me want to look in.
Pickup Trucks and Comic Books - This is actually a pretty rad title, creating a bit of a dichotomy between the two items that makes me want to know what's up (not that pickups and comics are mutually exclusive, but they do rcreate images of two different people).
The Day I Met my Double - Title case error. That said, this sets up a story that could go a lot of neat places.
A Toothsome Armageddon - Right on the border of the lower tier. The idea here is good, but I think the word toothsome really lacks the punch to sell the strangeness.
You'd Better Skip This One. - No periods, please. It is barely noticable and when you do, it just looks wrong. That said, contradictory titles have punch just because of how people react to them. "This book is not for you" indeed.
Multi Universe Drifting - I think this is missing a a hyphen. That said, this works for me for getting curious about what this story is about. This is definitely selling to a specific audience.
Someone is Wrong in the Multiverse - See the above. This resonates really strongly because I love the whole "Someone is wrong on the internet!" thing. So, certainly solid in the context here because I connect it to memeing I like.
LEMME CHECK THE SYNOPSIS
Roy's Diner, 3 A.M. - This isn't really drawing me in, but it is just distinct and different enough to catch my attention.
High School Dramady, Played Straight - Minor issue is that Dramedy is the "correct" spelling. Beyond that, while this title is similar to Canterbury Tales, the idea is less intriguing on the whole I find.
Trictrics - One word title with a more interesting word. It isn't exactly pulling me in or anything, but you got me to stop and stare which, I think, is a key to titular success. You might have convinced me to look at the synopsis to see what a trictric is.
Outsmarting Yourself - Not great, but not bad. This has some potential, particularly within the context of the prompt.
Letters from the Unknown - You evoked a bit of feeling in me. It's a decent horror/thriller sounding title. It's riiiiiiight on the verge of going a tier down, but with the prompt I'm intrigued.
Fears Are Like Dogs - Why are fears like dogs? This question doesn't dig deeply at me, but it digs well enough to at least merit a pause.
A Bureaucratic Welcome - Hm. I feel like this might be pushing towards the above tier. It certainly allows one to wonder what it's going to be about and gives you an idea of the shape of the story, but it also, in and of itself, sounds a bit boring. Comedy from that is obvious, but it is risky.
Folks You Know - Reads well to me.
MOVING ON
A Matter of Time - Basically the perfect definition of generic.
From Curiosity to Confusion, From Confusion to Horror - Long and clunky. It just doesn't read well, especially given you start in an alliterative manner, but abandon it at the end.
But first... - Generic, doesn't hook well, and has title case issues.
Cheap Easy Portalfare - I think I get what it's going for, but it just doesn't read well or do much for me.
Optimism - One word title with a boring word.
R&D - One word title with a boring word.
Walking With A Goddess - Meh. Just not particular inspiring to me, particularly as a genre fiction reader. Goddess walks happen all the time!
Villainy - One word title with a boring word.
Selection - One word title with a boring word.
The Everett Device - Why should I, the reader, care about this device? Without that, this title means nothing to me.
First Sight - First sight? Within the context of the prompt this really doesn't evoke anything to me.
The Burden She Bore - On the border of the above category. There is some inspiration and information here, but it really just doesn't evoke something interesting to me. I'd generally bet this as general litfic or such.
The Pauper and the Princess - Puts me too much in mind of the Prince and the Pauper without a bit enough twist for me.
King Laius - Might be showing my ignorance here, but, in the absence of the name Laius meaning anything to me (sorry Greek myth nerds), I'm kinda inclined to generally assume this is actually just a made up name (I read too much fantasy) at which point I don't have a reason to care. Sorta the opposite result of the meme-y titles above for me.
Memento - One word title with a boring word.
LEMME READ IT
This Story is a Metaphor for the Canterbury Tales - Personal appeal here, since, broadly speaking, I was a medievalist. I wanna know how this story is going to go down, for all that I fear this is some bait and switch.
Monokeras and Fenton's Whacky French Adventures - It is straight fanservice, but it is a good way to garnerr attention in the right crowd. I hjave a pretty solid idea of what I'm getting into here, and I do want to know what it's gonna be.
MAYBE I'LL READ IT
Even Chewbacca Is Not Bulletproof - Some potential here, but I think the contraction would make it read better. That said, I'm less a Star Wars person, so I'm a bit less interested.
Every World We Visit Is Dead - I lost my leg like I lost my way / So no loose ends / Nothing to see me down / How are we going to work this out? // Seriously though, this is a good, solid hook right off the bat.
Blind Dating in a World Gone Mad - Less a clear hook than the above, but still presents an interesting idea that makes me want to look in.
Pickup Trucks and Comic Books - This is actually a pretty rad title, creating a bit of a dichotomy between the two items that makes me want to know what's up (not that pickups and comics are mutually exclusive, but they do rcreate images of two different people).
The Day I Met my Double - Title case error. That said, this sets up a story that could go a lot of neat places.
A Toothsome Armageddon - Right on the border of the lower tier. The idea here is good, but I think the word toothsome really lacks the punch to sell the strangeness.
You'd Better Skip This One. - No periods, please. It is barely noticable and when you do, it just looks wrong. That said, contradictory titles have punch just because of how people react to them. "This book is not for you" indeed.
Multi Universe Drifting - I think this is missing a a hyphen. That said, this works for me for getting curious about what this story is about. This is definitely selling to a specific audience.
Someone is Wrong in the Multiverse - See the above. This resonates really strongly because I love the whole "Someone is wrong on the internet!" thing. So, certainly solid in the context here because I connect it to memeing I like.
LEMME CHECK THE SYNOPSIS
Roy's Diner, 3 A.M. - This isn't really drawing me in, but it is just distinct and different enough to catch my attention.
High School Dramady, Played Straight - Minor issue is that Dramedy is the "correct" spelling. Beyond that, while this title is similar to Canterbury Tales, the idea is less intriguing on the whole I find.
Trictrics - One word title with a more interesting word. It isn't exactly pulling me in or anything, but you got me to stop and stare which, I think, is a key to titular success. You might have convinced me to look at the synopsis to see what a trictric is.
Outsmarting Yourself - Not great, but not bad. This has some potential, particularly within the context of the prompt.
Letters from the Unknown - You evoked a bit of feeling in me. It's a decent horror/thriller sounding title. It's riiiiiiight on the verge of going a tier down, but with the prompt I'm intrigued.
Fears Are Like Dogs - Why are fears like dogs? This question doesn't dig deeply at me, but it digs well enough to at least merit a pause.
A Bureaucratic Welcome - Hm. I feel like this might be pushing towards the above tier. It certainly allows one to wonder what it's going to be about and gives you an idea of the shape of the story, but it also, in and of itself, sounds a bit boring. Comedy from that is obvious, but it is risky.
Folks You Know - Reads well to me.
MOVING ON
A Matter of Time - Basically the perfect definition of generic.
From Curiosity to Confusion, From Confusion to Horror - Long and clunky. It just doesn't read well, especially given you start in an alliterative manner, but abandon it at the end.
But first... - Generic, doesn't hook well, and has title case issues.
Cheap Easy Portalfare - I think I get what it's going for, but it just doesn't read well or do much for me.
Optimism - One word title with a boring word.
R&D - One word title with a boring word.
Walking With A Goddess - Meh. Just not particular inspiring to me, particularly as a genre fiction reader. Goddess walks happen all the time!
Villainy - One word title with a boring word.
Selection - One word title with a boring word.
The Everett Device - Why should I, the reader, care about this device? Without that, this title means nothing to me.
First Sight - First sight? Within the context of the prompt this really doesn't evoke anything to me.
The Burden She Bore - On the border of the above category. There is some inspiration and information here, but it really just doesn't evoke something interesting to me. I'd generally bet this as general litfic or such.
The Pauper and the Princess - Puts me too much in mind of the Prince and the Pauper without a bit enough twist for me.
King Laius - Might be showing my ignorance here, but, in the absence of the name Laius meaning anything to me (sorry Greek myth nerds), I'm kinda inclined to generally assume this is actually just a made up name (I read too much fantasy) at which point I don't have a reason to care. Sorta the opposite result of the meme-y titles above for me.
Memento - One word title with a boring word.
>>Trick_Question
Or instead of me "growing up," how about you realize that I am pretty reasonable well within my rights to feel that a story where a child nets an adult and threatens to rape them only for it to turn out that the adult is severely into it might, in fact, not be the best story to enter into a general entry, T-rated writing thing about pastel ponies from a kid's show. Or how about that, as someone who has invested a lot of time and effort into the writeoff over the last year and IS A NEW FATHER, that it is perfectly reasonable for me to be a little uncomfortable with this story as ANOTHER story on this particular theme that keeps coming up in this group lately.
And I say this with all the love in the world, but fuck off with your "If you're afraid of examining ideas that disturb you, I have no idea why you're an author" MFA Litfic superiority bullshit. I have put up with that attitude enough in my life. I am not putting up with it in an event that stems from a site for MLP fanfiction.
I'm an author because I want to write my schlocky action/adventure/romance genre nonsense, because I want to write things I have fun writing, and because I want to explore the ideas I want to explore. Don't imply that me or anyone else is ANY less of a writer because, hey, a story or theme makes me uncomfortable and I really do not in fact want to deal with it.
Or instead of me "growing up," how about you realize that I am pretty reasonable well within my rights to feel that a story where a child nets an adult and threatens to rape them only for it to turn out that the adult is severely into it might, in fact, not be the best story to enter into a general entry, T-rated writing thing about pastel ponies from a kid's show. Or how about that, as someone who has invested a lot of time and effort into the writeoff over the last year and IS A NEW FATHER, that it is perfectly reasonable for me to be a little uncomfortable with this story as ANOTHER story on this particular theme that keeps coming up in this group lately.
And I say this with all the love in the world, but fuck off with your "If you're afraid of examining ideas that disturb you, I have no idea why you're an author" MFA Litfic superiority bullshit. I have put up with that attitude enough in my life. I am not putting up with it in an event that stems from a site for MLP fanfiction.
I'm an author because I want to write my schlocky action/adventure/romance genre nonsense, because I want to write things I have fun writing, and because I want to explore the ideas I want to explore. Don't imply that me or anyone else is ANY less of a writer because, hey, a story or theme makes me uncomfortable and I really do not in fact want to deal with it.
I feel like my experience every writeoff maps really well onto the cliched poor bar experiences.
Bring a really bad idea home, fool around with it for a bit, realize I'm getting worn out and hurry up to finish, pass out, and wake up filled with a distinct feeling of shame and regret, wishing I could take it all back.
Which is to say, story submitted.
Bring a really bad idea home, fool around with it for a bit, realize I'm getting worn out and hurry up to finish, pass out, and wake up filled with a distinct feeling of shame and regret, wishing I could take it all back.
Which is to say, story submitted.
Hi! I like shorts! They're comfy and easy to write!
*ring*
Remember my super cool short? My short is different from regular shorts. It’s like my short is in the top percentage of shorts.
*ring*
Remember my super cool short? My short is different from regular shorts. It’s like my short is in the top percentage of shorts.
Hello, SCP. How're you doing?
Anyhow... I'm kinda hard-pressed to actually properly explain my issues with this, but I ultimately found this piece kind of tedious? Like, for the most part, most of the obfuscation here is stuff intended to be worked through and the object itself (or half the object) isn't really that interesting from a reader perspective, which is the majority of SCP's charm.
The woven narrative between Spike and Twilight is fun, but I think the length of SCP mumbo jumbo kinda gets in the way of that.
Once we start talking about subject Theta-32 things start to go a bit off the rails, though. The mystery solving inclination you've built up in the reader kinda brickwalls in trying to figure out what you're describing. This might be intentional, but personally, I found it frustrating because I was trying to solve for something that wasn't real when everything has been. And then the answer is kinda weird.
Speaking of. Like, unsure if this is intentional or my mind going bad places but:
The data expunged there has some super unfortunate rape implications because of the removal so close to implied violent imprisonment. Like, we sorta tonally fall out of the first half once we start getting down here anyway, but this is like, brutal whiplash.
EDIT: So, this sort of darker shift is not necessarily wrong in and of itself and not inconsistent with the way some SCPs are written. However, I think I find it particularly distasteful (in this circumstance, and especially so if the implications are intentional) because this is a -hard- 180 degree turn from a very cute and fluffy opening. Theoretically something like can work, but it also carries the risk of being a severe betrayal of the reader (e.g. I did not sign up for this).
YMMV here, of course, and maybe you're banking on SCP knowledge to brace the reader for potentially weird here, but I really think the beginning is far too cute if a turn is what you're going for. Remember that you have something of a responsibility to the reader to inform them about the kind of story they're getting into and that super hard turns like this can be super problematic.
Anyhow... I'm kinda hard-pressed to actually properly explain my issues with this, but I ultimately found this piece kind of tedious? Like, for the most part, most of the obfuscation here is stuff intended to be worked through and the object itself (or half the object) isn't really that interesting from a reader perspective, which is the majority of SCP's charm.
The woven narrative between Spike and Twilight is fun, but I think the length of SCP mumbo jumbo kinda gets in the way of that.
Once we start talking about subject Theta-32 things start to go a bit off the rails, though. The mystery solving inclination you've built up in the reader kinda brickwalls in trying to figure out what you're describing. This might be intentional, but personally, I found it frustrating because I was trying to solve for something that wasn't real when everything has been. And then the answer is kinda weird.
Speaking of. Like, unsure if this is intentional or my mind going bad places but:
Its mate, a male griffon named G█████, had been separated during the chase. Theta 32 shows signs of ligature marks on its wrists and signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], discovered during routine medical checkup post recovery by Nurse R██████.
The data expunged there has some super unfortunate rape implications because of the removal so close to implied violent imprisonment. Like, we sorta tonally fall out of the first half once we start getting down here anyway, but this is like, brutal whiplash.
EDIT: So, this sort of darker shift is not necessarily wrong in and of itself and not inconsistent with the way some SCPs are written. However, I think I find it particularly distasteful (in this circumstance, and especially so if the implications are intentional) because this is a -hard- 180 degree turn from a very cute and fluffy opening. Theoretically something like can work, but it also carries the risk of being a severe betrayal of the reader (e.g. I did not sign up for this).
YMMV here, of course, and maybe you're banking on SCP knowledge to brace the reader for potentially weird here, but I really think the beginning is far too cute if a turn is what you're going for. Remember that you have something of a responsibility to the reader to inform them about the kind of story they're getting into and that super hard turns like this can be super problematic.