Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Subject Theta 32
CLASSIFIED CODE GREEN


Friend Code: Theta 32

Friend Class: Friendly

Special Containment Housing Procedures: Theta 32 is housed in a furnished standard equinoid living quarters guest room in the Friendship Castle. Meals are provided three (3) times a day made from the ingredients listed in Checklist #Theta32-002. Meat cooked under directions from Checklist #Theta32-003 may be dispa dishpens included upon disgresi when F█████████ says so. Quarters is to be cleaned at three (3) o’ clock in the afternoon each day, as per Cleaning Checklist #451.

Really, T███████? “Special Containment”? “Standard equinoid living quarters”? — S████

S████, I’m trying to sound professional here. — T███████

You sound like that one time when S████████ went [DATA EXPUNGED] and [DATA EXPUNGED]. — S████


Description: Theta 32 is a pair of bipedal females designated Theta 32-1 and Theta 32-2. Theta 32-1 is an adult mee-notauroid rezem resembal that looks a lot like the Great Apes from eastern Zebrica. Theta 32-1 appears to suffer from massive hair loss except for her its mane, possibly from mange. She It covers up majority of the affected areas in many layers of long, flowing clothing. Theta 32-1 is reluckte very unwilling to take off its clothes clothing in the presense company of other ponies. Researcher T███████ S██████ suggests it may have a highly divaloped sense of mo-desty.

Theta 32-2 is a joo youngling that looks like a mix between Theta 32-1 and a griffon, about six (6) months old, according to Theta 32-1’s words. Upper torso and most of its face look like Theta 32-1 while all four (4) legs and lower torso are griffon in nature, with feathers growing along the bottom of its forelegs. It has the same effli mange problem in non-griffon parts of its body, covered up by a simple blouse of griffonic make.

“It” sounds so deponeefying… — S████

S████, I thought I told you to read up on Merry Web’s Words and Dictionary to improve your vocabulary? Read it before we continue the report. — T███████


Theta 32-1 does not understand equestrian. Instead, Theta 32-1 understands simple griffish if spoken slowly and clearly. Theta 32-1 is also able to com-municate using basic griffish words arranged in broken sentences which it claims were taught by its mate. Writing is done using a pointed brush instead of quill, which Theta 32-1 shows high profi-ciency with. Theta 32-1 answers to the name Chao Yan (native writing: 趙燕). Research is currently underway to understand Theta 32-1’s native language (see Document Theta32-Lang-001). Language lesson is also currently underway to teach Theta 32-1 equestrian.

Theta 32-2 has not ackqu acquired speech despite over the three (3) month age requirement for speech acquisition in pony foals. Theta 32-1 claims that younglings of its kind do not start talking until around one (1) year in age.

Well, the foal looks really helpless, y’know? — S████


Theta 32 was recovered on the southeastern edge of the E███████ f█████ on ██/██/████ following tip-off from F█████████’s animals. Theta 32 was under pursuit by three (3) griffons belonging to a known fringe research group “Children of the Winds” from the █████████ █████████ at the time of recovery. Its mate, a male griffon named G█████, had been separated during the chase. Theta 32 shows signs of ligature marks on its wrists and signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], discovered during routine medical checkup post recovery by Nurse R██████.

Recovered documents yielded from the apprehended griffons indicated that the “Children of the Winds” were conducting experiments into hybrid reproduction, thaumaturgical mixing and [DATA EXPUNGED] (Document Recovered Items #Theta32-001 to 005).

Theta 32-1 displays magic highly atypical to pony and griffonic magic. Theta 32-1 is able to cast powerful ████ spells without any obvious focal points in contrast to a unicorn’s horn. Brief scans of Theta 32-2 also show that it contains powerful griffonic magic boosted by magic originating from its parent. Theta 32-2’s current magic equilibrium is stable but Researcher T███████ proposes that Theta 32-2 be tested for potential for magic surge as soon as possible due to possible [DATA EXPUNGED].

Testing however cannot progress further until it is possible to fully com-municate with Theta 32-1. Attempted removal of Theta 32-2 from Theta 32-1’s general area has resulted in distress in Theta 32-1.

Sheesh, you take a foal from her mother without asking and you wonder why the mother’s upset. — S████


Search is currently undergoing for Theta 32-1’s mate, G█████.

Good. Now, go back edit the rest of the report, S████. — T███████


CLASSIFIED CODE GREEN
« Prev   38   Next »
#1 · 3
·
Given the prompt, this SCP(SPC??) format works very well. I also liked the cute touches of word choice edits and strike throughs to hammer home the author of the report. Well done.
#2 · 2
·
This makes a good intro to a story, I think. Excellent voice.
#3 · 3
· · >>georg
An original entry kept Teen rated even with the fact it is a SPC report.

I would have expected the name of Sweetie Drops to appear but I may have missed it.

I fear that the readers who aren't familar with this kind of story will be lost.
#4 · 3
·
Quite funny, I really liked how the censorship doesn't quite work. Also how Spike keeps 'sounding out' the words.
#5 · 5
·
I have to say that I personally don't like the SCP format that much, and the censoring kind of drives me bananas. I know that's me as a reader, not any fault of this as a story.

It's not actually a story as such, though, so I don't feel hugely guilty for not loving it. It feels like the intro to an actual story, more than anything else.
#6 · 3
· · >>M1Garand8
Ha! Twilight’s writing an SCP entry and Spike isn’t having any of it.

Hmm. Looks like Twilight takes over on writing the document after a bit.

In any case, like many SCP entries, this is a very interesting glimpse of a deeper story. Still, I’d rather see the story itself, especially given the amount of time ϴ32 apparently spent among the griffins. That or more entries from Twilight’s containment records.

In all, a promising start, but only a start. I’d love to see how you expand this.
#7 · 5
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Hello, SCP. How're you doing?

Anyhow... I'm kinda hard-pressed to actually properly explain my issues with this, but I ultimately found this piece kind of tedious? Like, for the most part, most of the obfuscation here is stuff intended to be worked through and the object itself (or half the object) isn't really that interesting from a reader perspective, which is the majority of SCP's charm.

The woven narrative between Spike and Twilight is fun, but I think the length of SCP mumbo jumbo kinda gets in the way of that.

Once we start talking about subject Theta-32 things start to go a bit off the rails, though. The mystery solving inclination you've built up in the reader kinda brickwalls in trying to figure out what you're describing. This might be intentional, but personally, I found it frustrating because I was trying to solve for something that wasn't real when everything has been. And then the answer is kinda weird.

Speaking of. Like, unsure if this is intentional or my mind going bad places but:

Its mate, a male griffon named G█████, had been separated during the chase. Theta 32 shows signs of ligature marks on its wrists and signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], discovered during routine medical checkup post recovery by Nurse R██████.


The data expunged there has some super unfortunate rape implications because of the removal so close to implied violent imprisonment. Like, we sorta tonally fall out of the first half once we start getting down here anyway, but this is like, brutal whiplash.

EDIT: So, this sort of darker shift is not necessarily wrong in and of itself and not inconsistent with the way some SCPs are written. However, I think I find it particularly distasteful (in this circumstance, and especially so if the implications are intentional) because this is a -hard- 180 degree turn from a very cute and fluffy opening. Theoretically something like can work, but it also carries the risk of being a severe betrayal of the reader (e.g. I did not sign up for this).

YMMV here, of course, and maybe you're banking on SCP knowledge to brace the reader for potentially weird here, but I really think the beginning is far too cute if a turn is what you're going for. Remember that you have something of a responsibility to the reader to inform them about the kind of story they're getting into and that super hard turns like this can be super problematic.
#8 · 3
·
>>AndrewRogue
Agreed.


I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the two subjects being original characters—at least, I think they're original characters. 32-1's description made me think they're a human, which made me think Sunset Shimmer at first, but I don't get why any human character we know would have a relationship with some random Chinese griffon.

In any case, I think that the piece would be funnier if the two subjects were actually characters that we knew, with us being doled SCP-like info about them, as if they're dangerous creatures.
#9 · 3
·
I'm afraid the format doesn't really work. On one hand you have Spike making humorous misspellings etc.; on the other hand... well, this is the SCP format, with its cold, clinical, unpersonal attitude to the "subjects". In my opinion it ends up an unappealing combination which doesn't work either as comedy or as drama.
#10 · 4
· · >>M1Garand8
The problem with this as said by others is that what does the SCP format add here? There's none of the other hallmarks of SCPs beyond the vocabulary used; as in there's no massive paranoia, no comedic-callous disregard for human life, so forth; whereas DATA EXPUNGED in SCP-verse is a thing for 'This is too dangerous for eyes', censoring here appears done for...why?

That's my biggest issue. You have a more interesting story buried under the SCP framework. I'd rather read the unburied one.
#11 · 2
· · >>M1Garand8
So, I'm sure this was a reference to some 'verse I'm not familiar with [googled: yep] but it doesn't work for me as a story. I really have little patience for typographical tricks as "story elements" as they make the reader work through things like a puzzle, rather than a narrative. That's fine if you're playing some sort of AR game, but for a story, this isn't it.

Secondly, even the "typographical tricks" are inconsistent. We have a lot of black-bar censorship, but then we also have "data expunged" bits. Yet Spike's typos stay in while crossed out? If this is a digital report (per the "data expunged") lines, then Spike would hit backspace, not strike-through. Secondly, he fails to spell all those relatively easy words, but can somehow reproduce Chinese ideograms perfectly?

That said, I will say I'm curious about the actual premise here. A human and a griff-i-taur child? Yes, tell me more! Tell me that story, don't just tease me about it under black bars and edited text!
#12 · 2
· · >>M1Garand8
Genre: A thing I've not heard of, evidently

Thoughts: I'd honestly not heard of SCP before reading about it in the comments here. I learned something new. Kids these days, etc.

The juxtaposition of humorous Spike-typos with the potential ooginess (as AndrewRogue pointed out) of subject 1's situation felt off to me. I thought it was really cool prior to the moment of implied ooginess though, because how often do you see human X griffon? Very Greek mythology-ish there with subject 2's combination of traits. It would've been awesome to have an empowered human female mage in Equestria adventuring far afield and doing her thing and being... well, empowered. That would be a far cry from the usual trope of dopey Anons who roll in and pick up all the mares. It's also frankly a concept I could see being enjoyable to read and/or write about.

That's not quite what we have here, though, because the focus of this stays rooted in Twilight's SCP log, and both the tone and format of that is weird for me. But my bigger issue is that I feel like it leaves a brilliant story concept sitting there and not fulfilling its potential. I applaud the ideas underpinning the SCP report, even as I balk at the SCP report itself.

Tier: Needs Work (but Author, look me up if you decide to go the HiE adventure route with this)
#13 · 1
·
So, I really like the story concept, and really don't like the format provided. It just doesn't do anything good for the story.

4/10
#14 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Fenton yep, I'm not familiar with the SCP format (whatever it is) and I'm lost. This one does win my IDGI award, though.
#15 · 3
·
>>georg
The SCP format is used at this site–http://www.scp-wiki.net/–which is a sort of darker version of the Men in Black, mixed with creepypasta, SF and Lovecraftian horror. This story is presented in the style of one of their documents, which explain what kind of threat a thing is and how to successfully contain it for the Good of Humanity.
#16 · 3
·
Subject Theta 32

I blame my recent binge reading of SCP Foundation's trope page.

(I probably simply wanted to write an SCP report just for funsies.)

Spike attempts to write a Special Containment Procedure Friendship Report dictated by Twilight Sparkle for her own record.

But the SCP report and Spike's adorable attempts to sound out words over 3 syllables don't mix quite as well as I'd have liked. That and the premise of the Subject in question vying too much for attention made the end result a bit of a mess.

The entry was an unholy love child between my interest in protagonists from The Voice Among the Strangers and Misunderstandings and the aforementioned SCP Foundation. Also, Spike's snarking about Twilight's word choices amused me.

I had fun writing this. :3

>>FanOfMostEverything
Hmm. Looks like Twilight takes over on writing the document after a bit.

Actually, Spike took down the entire thing, except for a few expunged portions. He was still sounding out words but he had a dictionary now.

>>Morning Sun
The problem with this as said by others is that what does the SCP format add here? There's none of the other hallmarks of SCPs beyond the vocabulary used; as in there's no massive paranoia, no comedic-callous disregard for human life, so forth;

This was the major issue. Namely because Twilight (and by extension, Equestria) isn't a paranoid, callous institution. Instituting that paranoia and callousness into the report warps Twilight's character, which I consider even worse than having a "neutered" SCP report. It's a Morton's Fork, really.

whereas DATA EXPUNGED in SCP-verse is a thing for 'This is too dangerous for eyes', censoring here appears done for...why?

There are twofolds to this. Any "Data Expunged" in the editorial section is under the Rule of Funny (Noodle Incident). Anywhere else, It's under "standard" censoring rules. As far as I can tell with the new Normal that the Magical Land of Equestria anyway. =P

The blackbox censors are a throwback to the older versions where those censors still show some partial information. Sadly, this has been discontinued since they cleaned up the articles several years ago. The partial reveal of information taking away from the article was probably the reason why it was cleaned up in the first place.

>>Xepher
That said, I will say I'm curious about the actual premise here. A human and a griff-i-taur child? Yes, tell me more! Tell me that story, don't just tease me about it under black bars and edited text!

I know, right? That's what makes SCP articles so maddening sometimes. But their aim is to always encourage the readers to fill in the details themselves. Because Nothing is Scarier. And the interesting stuff never gets revealed. Probably why the censorship was even more serious nowadays.

>>CoffeeMinion
Very Greek mythology-ish there with subject 2's combination of traits.

I was actually basing it off how hippogriffs traits were expressed. One description I missed was actually mentioning 32-2's beak-mouth, making her look somewhat like the Tengu from Japanese mythology.

Thanks for the read and reviews, even if I confused you with some obscure piece of fanfiction. :3