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"Sapient ponies if possible..."
Dobbin grazed closer and closer to the fence, enjoying the sweet green grass. There was a little more, just barely within reach from between the sharp thorns of the fence as he turned his head sideways and reached out with his lips. Just a little more. Ouch. Just a little more. Ouch.
Dobbin grazed closer and closer to the fence, enjoying the sweet green grass. There was a little more, just barely within reach from between the sharp thorns of the fence as he turned his head sideways and reached out with his lips. Just a little more. Ouch. Just a little more. Ouch.
Fire In The Promised Land is mine, as you now know. It is a brand-new opening chapter that goes with my stalled fic Twinkle Twinkle, Speaker to Dragons, which I hope will give me enough of a push to work my way through it. There are a couple of points I was hoping to pass along to readers, so let me Tell for a second here:
1) Peridot is the mare of the family, a ruling unicorn of a royal house, and is very used to giving orders, even to her husband. No worry about Women's Lib in this era.
2) Peridot is undergoing several changes: Fat to skinny, peaceful to violent, having a complete family to only having a husband and an illegitimate grandfoal on the way. Each change is chipping away a little bit of her, and turning her into a far different mare than she was originally. All of the ponies in the exodus are going through similar changes, including Princess Platinum, who went a little crazy with the loss of her father.
3) Obsidian has almost *zero* lines because he’s subservient to his wife and that’s his general nature, quiet and strong. This helps keep the focus on Peridot.
4) Twinkle Twinkle is weird, because she has damage to the amygdala in her brain (birth defect), causing a complete and total lack of fear as well as some other odd behaviors. This is only gently touched on, as it is not important in the first chapter of the story. It is later (note the clip I have below).
Let me address a few concerns:
I’m not a Steven Universe fan, so I really didn’t know how calling her Peridot was much like calling your fic’s magic school student Harry, or your vampire character Edward. I’ll consider changing the name, but I may not. I like it.
>>Xepher
>>Posh
Peridot being a Progressive. Um. Not really. Desperate measures for desperate times. When she does the oatmeal scene, she’s clutching to any family she can, after having lost two out of three of her foals. And she’s certainly not giving up her position.
>>Monokeras
Yes, it deserves an expansion. I’m working on it :)
>>FrontSevens
I’m working on the infodump, seeing how much of it can be pushed back to later without losing the reader. In a way I have to do quite a bit of dumping to set up the story, particularly with the dragon attack. In the story, Chapters 2-End will be in Twinkle’s POV exclusively.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bad Horse
Here we go into Egalitarianism again. Think of it as genetic capture. Willowbark is carrying in her womb one of only two surviving gene samples from her family. At the end of the chapter, she’s the *only* link to continuing their House (that Peridot can know for certain). Quickly counting down the list of things she is *not* doing that a Dark Ages feudal lord/lady might do in that situation: Remove Willowbark from her family and force her into theirs, either by lying about a wedding or simple decree. Order Willowbark’s family to sacrifice their own food/grazing in order to keep her healthy. Declare the child to be a member of the House without acknowledging the legitimacy of the mother.
In the end, she is doing the honorable thing regardless of tradition because she still has her honor, even though everything else is being taken from her. In the following chapters, her rather strange child will also confound dragonkind with these strange ideas and contrary behavior.
The nearest wagon where she could hide was too far for her to reach before the dragon would land, and it obviously could catch her no matter where she ran, so Twinkle Twinkle remained exactly where she was sitting, watching her last minutes with deliberate intent.
She had never been eaten by a dragon. It most likely would hurt, but it was not anything she could prevent. There was always the possibility of using a spell to suicide, but as they had started on their trip away from the frozen wasteland their home had become, Twinkle's mother was very insistent about that being the absolute last resort only when all other options had been eliminated. As the dragon opened its mouth, Twinkle Twinkle remained stationary, taking her last moment to study the dragon's teeth and throat structure. It reminded her of a lizard, except for the long, sharp teeth where most lizards had a lesser denture, more of a bony jaw with rough edges. There were actually three types of dragon teeth, which she really did not expect, and since the light was dim, she lit her horn up to get a better look.
"What are you doing?" The dragon pulled its head back, closed its mouth with a snap, and gave Twinkle Twinkle a nasty look, which was really saying something since the dragon's head was several times the size of the young pony, and there was a lot of space for nasty on that face. "Why aren't you running around screaming like the rest of them?"
"It wouldn't help," explained Twinkle. "You're much larger and faster than I am."
"Of course it wouldn't help!" snorted the dragon. "Do it anyway. Go on. I'll give you a head start."
"Why?" It was Twinkle's favorite word, and since she did not think she was going to use it much more, she saw no reason not to use it now.
"Because I can't eat you if you keep looking at me. Now go on. Run." The dragon snorted, and little wisps of flame crisped the dry grass at her hooves.
"That makes no sense at all," said Twinkle. "I don't want you to eat me, so logically I should stay here and keep looking at you."
1) Peridot is the mare of the family, a ruling unicorn of a royal house, and is very used to giving orders, even to her husband. No worry about Women's Lib in this era.
2) Peridot is undergoing several changes: Fat to skinny, peaceful to violent, having a complete family to only having a husband and an illegitimate grandfoal on the way. Each change is chipping away a little bit of her, and turning her into a far different mare than she was originally. All of the ponies in the exodus are going through similar changes, including Princess Platinum, who went a little crazy with the loss of her father.
3) Obsidian has almost *zero* lines because he’s subservient to his wife and that’s his general nature, quiet and strong. This helps keep the focus on Peridot.
4) Twinkle Twinkle is weird, because she has damage to the amygdala in her brain (birth defect), causing a complete and total lack of fear as well as some other odd behaviors. This is only gently touched on, as it is not important in the first chapter of the story. It is later (note the clip I have below).
Let me address a few concerns:
I’m not a Steven Universe fan, so I really didn’t know how calling her Peridot was much like calling your fic’s magic school student Harry, or your vampire character Edward. I’ll consider changing the name, but I may not. I like it.
>>Xepher
>>Posh
Peridot being a Progressive. Um. Not really. Desperate measures for desperate times. When she does the oatmeal scene, she’s clutching to any family she can, after having lost two out of three of her foals. And she’s certainly not giving up her position.
>>Monokeras
Yes, it deserves an expansion. I’m working on it :)
>>FrontSevens
I’m working on the infodump, seeing how much of it can be pushed back to later without losing the reader. In a way I have to do quite a bit of dumping to set up the story, particularly with the dragon attack. In the story, Chapters 2-End will be in Twinkle’s POV exclusively.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Bad Horse
Here we go into Egalitarianism again. Think of it as genetic capture. Willowbark is carrying in her womb one of only two surviving gene samples from her family. At the end of the chapter, she’s the *only* link to continuing their House (that Peridot can know for certain). Quickly counting down the list of things she is *not* doing that a Dark Ages feudal lord/lady might do in that situation: Remove Willowbark from her family and force her into theirs, either by lying about a wedding or simple decree. Order Willowbark’s family to sacrifice their own food/grazing in order to keep her healthy. Declare the child to be a member of the House without acknowledging the legitimacy of the mother.
In the end, she is doing the honorable thing regardless of tradition because she still has her honor, even though everything else is being taken from her. In the following chapters, her rather strange child will also confound dragonkind with these strange ideas and contrary behavior.
The nearest wagon where she could hide was too far for her to reach before the dragon would land, and it obviously could catch her no matter where she ran, so Twinkle Twinkle remained exactly where she was sitting, watching her last minutes with deliberate intent.
She had never been eaten by a dragon. It most likely would hurt, but it was not anything she could prevent. There was always the possibility of using a spell to suicide, but as they had started on their trip away from the frozen wasteland their home had become, Twinkle's mother was very insistent about that being the absolute last resort only when all other options had been eliminated. As the dragon opened its mouth, Twinkle Twinkle remained stationary, taking her last moment to study the dragon's teeth and throat structure. It reminded her of a lizard, except for the long, sharp teeth where most lizards had a lesser denture, more of a bony jaw with rough edges. There were actually three types of dragon teeth, which she really did not expect, and since the light was dim, she lit her horn up to get a better look.
"What are you doing?" The dragon pulled its head back, closed its mouth with a snap, and gave Twinkle Twinkle a nasty look, which was really saying something since the dragon's head was several times the size of the young pony, and there was a lot of space for nasty on that face. "Why aren't you running around screaming like the rest of them?"
"It wouldn't help," explained Twinkle. "You're much larger and faster than I am."
"Of course it wouldn't help!" snorted the dragon. "Do it anyway. Go on. I'll give you a head start."
"Why?" It was Twinkle's favorite word, and since she did not think she was going to use it much more, she saw no reason not to use it now.
"Because I can't eat you if you keep looking at me. Now go on. Run." The dragon snorted, and little wisps of flame crisped the dry grass at her hooves.
"That makes no sense at all," said Twinkle. "I don't want you to eat me, so logically I should stay here and keep looking at you."