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>>Dafaddah Hm, good point. I'll have to fiddle with that a bit, as the sun breaks through the clouds type of thought. Murphy is from PS238 by Aaron Williams, which unfortunately has slowed in updates to a halt. I have all the paper copies, and wish he'd start up again. He is (of course) a tribute to the Sandman, a being of infinite power and appropriate reluctance to exercise it.
>>Baal Bunny Admittedly, the same here. Ever so slowly, I'm bending my writing to non-pony/commercial, with the intent of someday making enough real money to buy a car. Matchbox, of course.
>>Monokeras Having lived through Y2K in the tech world, I'm constantly baffled how our world both has leading bleeding edge programming mixed in with legacy systems running code that pre-dates many of the people in the department. But it *works* and runs the paychecks every month, so nobody dares touch it.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
Awww, isn't he cute the way he's snuggling down into that digital pillow? Yes, I really love what you've done with the old homestead here. Fourteen opposable tentacles up.
>>GroaningGreyAgony "Sorry I ran out of time" made me laugh. Enjoyed it more than the others, actually.
Could be smoother transitioning from the flight to the confrontation with the M6, and detailing out the targets of the Elements. The bananners threw me for a bit, and I don't think even an ancient artifact could put a dent into S1 Diamond Tiara.
I'm going to start with a critique: The opening is hookless. We don't know what Cadence is after until several paragraphs down. If you started with her feeling guilty about sneaking out of the bedroom early, maybe thinking of it as a little white lie, you'd get the reader's curiosity going.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Well. It's a good start. I'm trying to be optimistic and encouraging since every great writer has reached this particular point and moved on, and I've edited far, far worse.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
>>GroaningGreyAgony As am I. Inept, incoherent, incompetent, all kinds of in. But at least I'm not all alone in the Monty Python way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
Paging WIP