Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
>>Pascoite Ye gads, it's been six months. I'm not slow, I'm stationary. Anyway, the jerking around of POV is intentional, since this is a guy who can literally step a thousand miles away in about the time it takes to blink, and he's fully used to the concept. Dropping it on the reader without explanation (hopefully) will make them read further to find out why things are happening as they are. The character name skippage is my normal typos as I plow through the creative process. (I've done worse). The head-hopping is practically a requirement to show what normal people go through because it's such a shift in perspective.
Now, he's *tipping* the helicopter pilot, since he's casually wealthy (honestly, not by raiding bank vaults) and a retired hero. Budi has a pocket full of cash money and a bank account full of Uber electronic cash. He has the freedom of living in whatever low-crime, low-cost area he wants, and the heli pilot is handcuffed to snob central. The kid at the end scene is cut off because I didn't have time (and I'm expanding as time permits) I didn't get a chance to get to him meeting with Dr. Malacia (which he had worked with briefly) but I did get the roughed in scene of him working with his former super team, I planned on tying it up with him stepping back home at the end of the day to meet Susu (his wife and former tank for the superteam), check on how she is recovering from her injuries, and taking her to Paris for dinner. Paris Texas, that is, to a little BBQ joint for their anniversary. I was going to name the story One Step to Paris with that ending in mind, but time....
Now, he's *tipping* the helicopter pilot, since he's casually wealthy (honestly, not by raiding bank vaults) and a retired hero. Budi has a pocket full of cash money and a bank account full of Uber electronic cash. He has the freedom of living in whatever low-crime, low-cost area he wants, and the heli pilot is handcuffed to snob central. The kid at the end scene is cut off because I didn't have time (and I'm expanding as time permits) I didn't get a chance to get to him meeting with Dr. Malacia (which he had worked with briefly) but I did get the roughed in scene of him working with his former super team, I planned on tying it up with him stepping back home at the end of the day to meet Susu (his wife and former tank for the superteam), check on how she is recovering from her injuries, and taking her to Paris for dinner. Paris Texas, that is, to a little BBQ joint for their anniversary. I was going to name the story One Step to Paris with that ending in mind, but time....
>>Dafaddah Hm, good point. I'll have to fiddle with that a bit, as the sun breaks through the clouds type of thought. Murphy is from PS238 by Aaron Williams, which unfortunately has slowed in updates to a halt. I have all the paper copies, and wish he'd start up again. He is (of course) a tribute to the Sandman, a being of infinite power and appropriate reluctance to exercise it.
>>Baal Bunny Admittedly, the same here. Ever so slowly, I'm bending my writing to non-pony/commercial, with the intent of someday making enough real money to buy a car. Matchbox, of course.
>>Monokeras Having lived through Y2K in the tech world, I'm constantly baffled how our world both has leading bleeding edge programming mixed in with legacy systems running code that pre-dates many of the people in the department. But it *works* and runs the paychecks every month, so nobody dares touch it.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
Awww, isn't he cute the way he's snuggling down into that digital pillow? Yes, I really love what you've done with the old homestead here. Fourteen opposable tentacles up.
>>GroaningGreyAgony "Sorry I ran out of time" made me laugh. Enjoyed it more than the others, actually.
Could be smoother transitioning from the flight to the confrontation with the M6, and detailing out the targets of the Elements. The bananners threw me for a bit, and I don't think even an ancient artifact could put a dent into S1 Diamond Tiara.
I'm going to start with a critique: The opening is hookless. We don't know what Cadence is after until several paragraphs down. If you started with her feeling guilty about sneaking out of the bedroom early, maybe thinking of it as a little white lie, you'd get the reader's curiosity going.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Well. It's a good start. I'm trying to be optimistic and encouraging since every great writer has reached this particular point and moved on, and I've edited far, far worse.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
>>GroaningGreyAgony As am I. Inept, incoherent, incompetent, all kinds of in. But at least I'm not all alone in the Monty Python way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
Paging WIP