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>>Monokeras Having lived through Y2K in the tech world, I'm constantly baffled how our world both has leading bleeding edge programming mixed in with legacy systems running code that pre-dates many of the people in the department. But it *works* and runs the paychecks every month, so nobody dares touch it.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
Awww, isn't he cute the way he's snuggling down into that digital pillow? Yes, I really love what you've done with the old homestead here. Fourteen opposable tentacles up.
>>GroaningGreyAgony "Sorry I ran out of time" made me laugh. Enjoyed it more than the others, actually.
Could be smoother transitioning from the flight to the confrontation with the M6, and detailing out the targets of the Elements. The bananners threw me for a bit, and I don't think even an ancient artifact could put a dent into S1 Diamond Tiara.
I'm going to start with a critique: The opening is hookless. We don't know what Cadence is after until several paragraphs down. If you started with her feeling guilty about sneaking out of the bedroom early, maybe thinking of it as a little white lie, you'd get the reader's curiosity going.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Same for the second section at Court. If she *starts* out thinking about Sombra and how he frightened all of the Crystal ponies and how she has to make absolutely sure she doesn't follow his example, she's walking a tightrope, and that cranks up the tension. That allows the reflection about Sombra later to have more weight.
The ending also would fit better reversed, showing that she *did* need to do it, as a responsibility of her position, and that she has to balance her work with her husband.
Well. It's a good start. I'm trying to be optimistic and encouraging since every great writer has reached this particular point and moved on, and I've edited far, far worse.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
--The grammar is pretty good. Really, it's better than I tend to do in first drafts. (I'm a comma-splatter)
--The plot is straightforward and understandable. That's really a sticky point on a lot of stories that wander around, and I've done that before.
Now for a few bad points.
--Dialogue is rough and difficult to get into character with. Try reading it out loud after you've written it.
--Pacing is a bit erratic
If you treated this as a first draft and did a few passes through it to smooth out transitions, that would help. Keeping the point of view character consistent as Lil' Cheese also. He needs to *feel* what is going on, even if he doesn't understand it.
>>GroaningGreyAgony As am I. Inept, incoherent, incompetent, all kinds of in. But at least I'm not all alone in the Monty Python way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y9f8849Geo
You give a fair representation of Rarity's dilemma, where fashion is *change* and she is feeling frozen in place, because how do you change fashion for the *better* as you progress. As writers, we tend to fall into 'class traps' because we are by nature part of the class that will never be invited to VIP events where people who have far more than two commas in their net worth chat about nothing in particular. Rarity's motivations in-canon are always tricky to represent, because she's driven by ego to become the most famous designer ever, loved by the rich, adored by the glitterati, courted by the nobility. It's a bubble that is constantly only one prick from an explosion, or in this case, a mis-step in front of the people (metaphorical) that she most wants to impress. The thing is the process is a cumulative exercise for her to reach her goal: Elation, explosion, misery, rebuilding to new and greater heights. You only hit the first three steps in this story, leaving it on a downer ending, and people as a rule dislike stories in which the dog dies at the end. (with maybe one yellow exception) This is perhaps why Never The Final Word tends to collect such gems (and the occasional pebble from me).
"So I'm an imposter." The hotel light was insufficient for her purposes, but it would have to do. Mussed and disheveled from tossing and turning, Rarity removed a quill from her traveling bag and sat down on the cheap chair to begin drawing. The quill was no ordinary feather, but the flight pinion of an alicorn, her best and most trusted friend in the world. "I have seen things you posers and hypocrites have never even dreamed of," she muttered between clenched teeth. "I have seen dragons fill the sky, surrounding us like thunder and fire. I have seen the home of breezies and seaponies and faced powers beyond description with my friends. I have been to the MOON and back, while most of you were sniveling about trivia." The quill swooped and darted across the page, leaving wonders in its wake as the night wore on unnoticed outside the window, with the stars twinkling to each other as they peered down at the act of creation and seemed to applaud until the dawn.
"So I'm an imposter." The hotel light was insufficient for her purposes, but it would have to do. Mussed and disheveled from tossing and turning, Rarity removed a quill from her traveling bag and sat down on the cheap chair to begin drawing. The quill was no ordinary feather, but the flight pinion of an alicorn, her best and most trusted friend in the world. "I have seen things you posers and hypocrites have never even dreamed of," she muttered between clenched teeth. "I have seen dragons fill the sky, surrounding us like thunder and fire. I have seen the home of breezies and seaponies and faced powers beyond description with my friends. I have been to the MOON and back, while most of you were sniveling about trivia." The quill swooped and darted across the page, leaving wonders in its wake as the night wore on unnoticed outside the window, with the stars twinkling to each other as they peered down at the act of creation and seemed to applaud until the dawn.
Oh, Rarity. Your education is without peer, we just won't ask where you learned that.
Best story of the writeoff, bar none.
Best story of the writeoff, bar none.
"Once upon a time..." The Good Fairy paused with her dripping quill held in mid-air.
"What is it?" asked the lion curled up at the bottom of her desk.
"Well, it's just normally something happens around this point." She sat there for a time, looking out the window at the beautiful morning. "Oh, to heck with it. Let's go bother some kindly woodsman. It's too nice to stay inside."
"What is it?" asked the lion curled up at the bottom of her desk.
"Well, it's just normally something happens around this point." She sat there for a time, looking out the window at the beautiful morning. "Oh, to heck with it. Let's go bother some kindly woodsman. It's too nice to stay inside."
"We got our cutie marks!"
The town breathed a collective sigh of relief.
"Now we're gonna help everypony find their own cutie marks!"
Within hours, plywood sold out everywhere.
The town breathed a collective sigh of relief.
"Now we're gonna help everypony find their own cutie marks!"
Within hours, plywood sold out everywhere.
The real world's plumbing conspires against me ever getting another writeoff done again. Several times ago it was the toilet. Now it's the bathroom sink. Will strive against water and slime to get this one.
(Update: Peerless faucets. Pay quality money for quality parts. Took twenty minutes. Last time, installing the cheap(censored) faucet that didn't last a year took me two days and several trips to the hardware store. Buy real brass fittings. They're worth it.)
(Update: Peerless faucets. Pay quality money for quality parts. Took twenty minutes. Last time, installing the cheap(censored) faucet that didn't last a year took me two days and several trips to the hardware store. Buy real brass fittings. They're worth it.)
Well, I can say for absolute certain that this is the best story in the writeoff. I was trying to get one done, but ran out of time, so grats!
At first, there was the Void.
Featureless, immeasurable, and never-changing, it had always been there and always would be. Except...
Without warning, a single prompt appeared. Then another. And yet another, so rapidly they filled their allotted space, although the Void remained.
A sense of anticipation filled what once was unfilled. Much like the Void, it too was uncentered and random, although forces beyond any perceptions stirred beneath it.
And slowly, ever so cautiously, one prompt rose above them all, buoyed by a false sense of enthusiasm that perhaps this time, it would become The Prompt and rise into the sacred heights of the great Ot, which came before.
Featureless, immeasurable, and never-changing, it had always been there and always would be. Except...
Without warning, a single prompt appeared. Then another. And yet another, so rapidly they filled their allotted space, although the Void remained.
A sense of anticipation filled what once was unfilled. Much like the Void, it too was uncentered and random, although forces beyond any perceptions stirred beneath it.
And slowly, ever so cautiously, one prompt rose above them all, buoyed by a false sense of enthusiasm that perhaps this time, it would become The Prompt and rise into the sacred heights of the great Ot, which came before.
It's for the best, really. You don't want those genes to replicate. Fascinating trip down the post-nuclear path.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Bachiavellian
>>Comma Typer
>>Baal Bunny
I’m going to start off with a Twilight here. I’m sorry, but time has crushed me terribly. I barely managed to hack this one out, didn’t edit it hardly at all, and never got a chance to review anybody else’s story. Still, I *did* manage to get it written. The concept has been an idea in the back of my head for five years or so, which makes it feel nice to see it in print. Someday I’ll polish off the rough edges and get it on Fimfiction in full form, I promise. For now, all I can do is thank you all and write some responses.
Chris - (multipost) >>Chris
Very few war stories are pro-war. War by its nature is a bad thing we do to accomplish a good that hopefully outweighs it. In this case, both the bugs and the ponies have aspects of each other, but only one is going to survive to the end, and Twilight is faced with the possibility of losing one or more of her precious friends with every attack. And Celestia has her own student out on the front lines of the fight, taking on missions that are critical to their overall strategy.
Yet they fight. The alternative as a race is to die, or worse.
Fan of most everything:
Skinnies are humans, of course. And estrus is a reminder that they can build starships and powered armor, but some cycles are too powerful to totally suppress. Plus, it makes mares fight. At one time, I heard somebody suggest that we have an all-female brigade with PMS, because absolutely no army on the planet would want to face them. The logistics would be a pain, though.
Meridian Prime:
Thank you. Took me a second pass through the first draft in order to bring Twilight’s friends in, without which it would have lost a lot.
Chris (again)
Yes, depth is something I’ve always struggled with, much like my penchant for dangling participles. It should get deeper when expanded, at least out of the kiddie pool range.
Bachiavellian:
And here we have the reason I struggle with depth (as above). The deeper you make it, the more you take away from the moment-to-moment flow of an ongoing action scene. (See Hour of the Octopus)
Comma Typer:
Yes, the reason it doesn’t feel like a self-contained story is because it isn’t. Go read Starship Troopers (not the movie, oh God no). This is a reflection, an example of what the same circumstances would look like in a pony world. The first chapter in Starship Troopers is actually a self-contained flashback, a way that Heinlein used to bring action and a ‘hook’ to the beginning of the book before laying out the life of the protagonist and his reasons for being there.
Baal Bunny
(re-reads the review) ah-HA! That’s *exactly* how Heinlein structured the first chapter of ST. “Gee that looks interesting and I want to know more about it.” I count this one as an unqualified success. I’ll never have the sheer amount of time needed to do a full pony treatment of the concept, but the fact that I can pull it off is a positive sign for my future as a famous author with a swimming pool and a yacht. (Would you believe a rather large bathtub and a floaty toy?)
Onward to glory!
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Bachiavellian
>>Comma Typer
>>Baal Bunny
I’m going to start off with a Twilight here. I’m sorry, but time has crushed me terribly. I barely managed to hack this one out, didn’t edit it hardly at all, and never got a chance to review anybody else’s story. Still, I *did* manage to get it written. The concept has been an idea in the back of my head for five years or so, which makes it feel nice to see it in print. Someday I’ll polish off the rough edges and get it on Fimfiction in full form, I promise. For now, all I can do is thank you all and write some responses.
Chris - (multipost) >>Chris
Very few war stories are pro-war. War by its nature is a bad thing we do to accomplish a good that hopefully outweighs it. In this case, both the bugs and the ponies have aspects of each other, but only one is going to survive to the end, and Twilight is faced with the possibility of losing one or more of her precious friends with every attack. And Celestia has her own student out on the front lines of the fight, taking on missions that are critical to their overall strategy.
Yet they fight. The alternative as a race is to die, or worse.
Fan of most everything:
Skinnies are humans, of course. And estrus is a reminder that they can build starships and powered armor, but some cycles are too powerful to totally suppress. Plus, it makes mares fight. At one time, I heard somebody suggest that we have an all-female brigade with PMS, because absolutely no army on the planet would want to face them. The logistics would be a pain, though.
Meridian Prime:
Thank you. Took me a second pass through the first draft in order to bring Twilight’s friends in, without which it would have lost a lot.
Chris (again)
Yes, depth is something I’ve always struggled with, much like my penchant for dangling participles. It should get deeper when expanded, at least out of the kiddie pool range.
Bachiavellian:
And here we have the reason I struggle with depth (as above). The deeper you make it, the more you take away from the moment-to-moment flow of an ongoing action scene. (See Hour of the Octopus)
Comma Typer:
Yes, the reason it doesn’t feel like a self-contained story is because it isn’t. Go read Starship Troopers (not the movie, oh God no). This is a reflection, an example of what the same circumstances would look like in a pony world. The first chapter in Starship Troopers is actually a self-contained flashback, a way that Heinlein used to bring action and a ‘hook’ to the beginning of the book before laying out the life of the protagonist and his reasons for being there.
Baal Bunny
(re-reads the review) ah-HA! That’s *exactly* how Heinlein structured the first chapter of ST. “Gee that looks interesting and I want to know more about it.” I count this one as an unqualified success. I’ll never have the sheer amount of time needed to do a full pony treatment of the concept, but the fact that I can pull it off is a positive sign for my future as a famous author with a swimming pool and a yacht. (Would you believe a rather large bathtub and a floaty toy?)
Onward to glory!
Paging WIP