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Trying to remember whether I've seen this. It puts me in a mind of something like The Virginian, but I bet it's that Twilight Zone episode where the little boy is all-powerful and everyone is scared to make him unhappy.
Reminds me of the skinks I always find in my garage, but they somehow end up desiccated rather than skeletonized...
Looks kind of like a naga when it seemingly has no back legs.
Looks kind of like a naga when it seemingly has no back legs.
Is this Jackie Chan's uncle? (In looking up whether he had an actual name, I was surprised to learn that Jade's VA was also named Chan but is apparently unrelated, and now works for Google News.)
>>Pascoite
Yes, this is Anthony from the TZ adaption of Jerome Bixby's classic story It's a Good Life. This is also a pun on the prompt, the actor pictured is Bill Mumy, who also played Will Robinson, Lennier on Babylon 5, and who was half of the surrealist music combo Barnes and Barnes.
Yes, this is Anthony from the TZ adaption of Jerome Bixby's classic story It's a Good Life. This is also a pun on the prompt, the actor pictured is Bill Mumy, who also played Will Robinson, Lennier on Babylon 5, and who was half of the surrealist music combo Barnes and Barnes.
>>Pascoite
This is an anole carcass encountered on a driveway in St. Augustine. It looks odd as the rear legs are missing.
This is an anole carcass encountered on a driveway in St. Augustine. It looks odd as the rear legs are missing.
>>Pascoite
I only had in mind that I wanted to draw a skeletal figure when I started the sketch, and I used a female skeleton pic for reference. I drew most of it before deciding upon a gesture for the hand. It is intentionally somewhat ambiguous what finger it's extending.
Thank you very much for commenting on the art!
I only had in mind that I wanted to draw a skeletal figure when I started the sketch, and I used a female skeleton pic for reference. I drew most of it before deciding upon a gesture for the hand. It is intentionally somewhat ambiguous what finger it's extending.
Thank you very much for commenting on the art!
Sorry I wasn't around to comment or vote before the deadline, but I was out of town all week.
I started to compile notes on the proofreading things I saw, but there were too many, so I'll just say it needs a thorough editing pass. There are some breaks in perspective. Here's an example:
This is clearly Twilight's thought process, but it's being presented as narration, thus you're using a limited narration. That is, Twilight is effectively the narrator. But then in the following paragraph you explicitly tell me that these are things Twilight didn't see. If she's the narrator and she didn't see them, then the narrator didn't see them either and doesn't know about them.
It takes the story a while to get going too. It starts to drag in the middle where there's lots of unneeded exposition (Floral's background as a hygienist is irrelevant, for example, and is never given a connection to the plot). Likewise, the first scene emphasizes at least three times (I stopped counting) how hot it is, and that also barely has any plot relevance, only insofar as it explains why someone might want a snow cone.
The ending pun is okay, but I really wasn't following the plot at that point. The plant gets violent as soon as it's threatened, yet when it's scared of Twilight measuring it, it's suddenly going to be docile? Why? It's vaguely cited that it finds Floral's presence calming, but it also expresses that it has no particular reason to trust her, so I don't understand its behavior.
I started to compile notes on the proofreading things I saw, but there were too many, so I'll just say it needs a thorough editing pass. There are some breaks in perspective. Here's an example:
Thank goodness this contest was based on size alone
This is clearly Twilight's thought process, but it's being presented as narration, thus you're using a limited narration. That is, Twilight is effectively the narrator. But then in the following paragraph you explicitly tell me that these are things Twilight didn't see. If she's the narrator and she didn't see them, then the narrator didn't see them either and doesn't know about them.
It takes the story a while to get going too. It starts to drag in the middle where there's lots of unneeded exposition (Floral's background as a hygienist is irrelevant, for example, and is never given a connection to the plot). Likewise, the first scene emphasizes at least three times (I stopped counting) how hot it is, and that also barely has any plot relevance, only insofar as it explains why someone might want a snow cone.
The ending pun is okay, but I really wasn't following the plot at that point. The plant gets violent as soon as it's threatened, yet when it's scared of Twilight measuring it, it's suddenly going to be docile? Why? It's vaguely cited that it finds Floral's presence calming, but it also expresses that it has no particular reason to trust her, so I don't understand its behavior.
You don't need to put the title in the text. The site already puts it at the top, so now you have it twice.
I like the initial scene-setting, but you also get repetitive in the first paragraph (you use some form of "remain" three times), which creates the impression the whole story is likely to suffer from the same thing. It does pop up again some.
Interesting idea that some dinosaurs actually did have a civilization, though one that was a type that didn't leave any evidence behind. I'd kind of want some more world building to see how that was possible, given that humans left evidence from before they were civilized, but I can accept that as a conceit of this story. Also curious whether this is a situation where then entire planet can be evacuated or just a select few. And how we have the technology to do mass space travel like that but not adjust an asteroid's trajectory far in advance...
I didn't exactly see that ending coming, at least not until the final scene began, but it is a story type done many times before. Good example of it.
I like the initial scene-setting, but you also get repetitive in the first paragraph (you use some form of "remain" three times), which creates the impression the whole story is likely to suffer from the same thing. It does pop up again some.
Interesting idea that some dinosaurs actually did have a civilization, though one that was a type that didn't leave any evidence behind. I'd kind of want some more world building to see how that was possible, given that humans left evidence from before they were civilized, but I can accept that as a conceit of this story. Also curious whether this is a situation where then entire planet can be evacuated or just a select few. And how we have the technology to do mass space travel like that but not adjust an asteroid's trajectory far in advance...
I didn't exactly see that ending coming, at least not until the final scene began, but it is a story type done many times before. Good example of it.
Thanks for your comments. I’m quite ashamed of the editing/proofreading the story as I was otherwise occupied just before the submission deadline and had to rush. Also thanks for the tip on Twilight’s “narration”. I have fixed those issues (I hope) in the version published on FIMfiction.
Your assistance is much appreciated!
Your assistance is much appreciated!