Technically very well written. The build-up to the conclusion was well thought out, but I have to say that the use of so many short segments, all ending with unease, got annoyingly repetitive. If I were editing your story I would recommend that that you slow it down. Take more time for the descriptions. Dwell more on the feelings of the ponies involved, and make it less "in-your-face". Ambiguity heightens tension. Having so many short segments left me feeling slapped around, not freightened!

I assume you type at near-olympic speeds - hence the long trail of typos and auto-correct word-swaps.

Also, a person (or pony) who lisps usually has issues with sibilants so that "s" is pronounced like "th" in thick and "z" is pronounced like "th" in this. I haven't a clue where you got the "ph" idea.

I also have a real problem following the logic of this story - and at least in my case the "friction" of these errors may simply overpowered the "fiction".

That... was brilliant! You have ALL the kudos, and my admiration! Great story, beautifully written!

It was an interesting read, and a view into the mind of a pathologically egocentric monster. However, I also can't pretend to being able to judge verse by any other metric than like/didn't like, and in this case I'm left feeling rather ambivalent even there.

Let me start with a disclaimer: I hate shipping.

This story pokes fun at shipping. It pokes tons of fun at shipping. I laughed out loud several times reading this. On the train. Good job!

The weakest part was the ending, but only because there was much more potential for comedy. Imagine how funny it would have been to see them discover "shipping paraphernalia" as they searched for Twilight's diary (i.e. continuing the gag you started with the rope)! You could have squeezed so much more out of our prudish pair of prowling ponies!

This is well written, with excellent dialogue. Where it fails is in generating any sense of real tension. The problem may be that all these characters seem disconnected from their feelings. Starlight is intellectually aware that she is transgressing, but seems to feel no personal jeopardy in the act, and gives no thought to others' feelings, especially Twilight!

Very well written, but I have real issues with plot: Sweetie Drops is just so NOT agent material! She's completely irrational - including during the opening scene - and is worse in her flashbacks. But the real kicker is that she's not allowed to have a family, but the Chief is? Why? And why would Rarity know about her if the Chief is keeping to protocol?

I loved this story, except for the first part. I kept felling that both Pinkie and Twilight were "off" somehow. I agree with Remedyfortheheart that you should just skip the intro. It does nothing important for the story other that make the reader uneasy- at least that how it affected me.

Otherwise, brilliant OC, but you should make Shopkeeper's accent obvious a bit earlier.

Nicely done, very sweet, well paced. an enjoyable read. I can't comment on the conformance to canon when it comes to Sunset Shimmer, as I'm not a fan of EG, but the overall idea of Celestia embarking on a multi-generational exercise to "encourage certain traits to develop among her little ponies" is one I've use in fiction before to explain the amplitude of Twilight's and Shining's magical powers.

Just like a soufflé, this story is lite, fluffy, and tender where it has to be, and crispy/flaky where it needs it. Nothing happened here, and nothing had to! I just love the way you characterized Pony and Unicorn. Adam was hoot as well, seeking out the undisclosed agenda behind God verbally disclosed agenda, until at last everyone has a slice of apple pear pie while figuring out whether they're happier having eaten pie and lost than never, ever, having had pie in the first place, and the Illuminati are revealed as being orange mongers all.