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#21338 ·
· on A Job for Heroes
A generally fun and entertaining fantasy ride that really puts me in mind of early Discworld.

Of course, I'm a bit more of a fan of later Discworld. :o

Whoah. Deja vu. Joke's aside, this and Necromance are kinda different stories despite both being goofy sword and sorcery jank. And both have their own strengths (though, ironically, I think the tone of the endings for both would have better swapped - Necromance gets a bit too much heart for the preceding story, Job gets not enough!)

It came up in chat, but the stakes raise in the climax kinda falls flat because there isn't actually a raising of stakes with no real danger to Merryn being presented. She takes the arm loss like a champ. And so it doesn't matter, ultimately. If you want to jar the reader, you need to -actually- make it look like it matters. As is, it might as well be a scratch. And that doesn't mean you can't have the clean ending - people can have some degree of blaseness about danger and means to patch it up well with the in the moment danger being real to the reader.

Otherwise, pacing is a bit rushy and imagery is pretty non-existant. You've got solid character voices down, but otherwise it is a lot of blank slates and white rooms. Which is a bit of a problem when a key part of your story is also the main being a random fantasy creature without easy mental parallels.
#21337 · 1
· on Cages
I'm having some trouble with this story. As others have said, there are a lot of missing pieces that make it a bit challenging to assemble the actual nature of the narrative because we see so few pieces. Ultimately I come down on the idea that Gloria used to live here, Jonathan does now. It creates a few oddities in and of itself, but based on the art it kinda makes the most fitting sense in the idea that Eli tries and it is all for naught because some rando gets his letter and just trashes it.

Which really kinda makes Jon a dick if true, but c'est la vie.

And, if true, creates kind of a nihilistic outlook on things that makes this story kinda hard for me to deal with because, well, maybe I just respond too well to emotional prompting, but it does create a sense of waste and pointlessness. Which is not a criticism of the story per se: it is effective at being that sort of grim. But it does kinda leave me feeling a bit eh.

The letters I had a little trouble with and I'm not sure if it is that the voice feels inauthentic or just that I'm not good at really imagining how this voice would exist (because being well-read and well-educated makes me blow at emulating and interpreting other voices that don't match at that sometime). I will say the typos end up being a bit distracting in context and I think you'd want a typesetting trick to make the letters look more lettery?

I dunno. Ultimately I guess the most accurate thing I can say here is I just really had trouble getting into this one and it never really clicked with me and I am having trouble really putting my finger on why that is. Sorry.
#21336 ·
· on Tense Times in Toon Town
I feel a slight problem this round was the question of "what is the story being told here" and I think this one is a bit emblematic of it on the whole. Things happen in this story. Events proceed in a sequence. But overall, there is not an overarching narrative direction to the story. There is, at least in my opinion, no real narrative arc, nothing to be taken away from it in the end, etc.

The last scene makes a gesture towards it with this idea of working together, but we don't really -learn- about that over the course of the story, because Patsy honestly just kinda comes in, tells Eliant "yo, you wrong", and that's that. There's no real learning of the importance of togetherness or friendship. Hell, for all we know, he -could- have succeeded on his own.

So yeah. I think that's the big obstacle here. You have good places together, but you need to string them into an arc that sticks together well and builds on itself.

The other thing I'd note (and this one is hard because cartoons are visual and written stories are not), but I don't think you really manage to capture the zaniness of cartoons too well here. Most of the direct stuff is fairly level-headed and mundane. You do express some crazy stuff, but it is generally in the broader "what's happening around Toon Town" sequences. And I think that's -really- important to nail when you're going with something cartoon based. I said it in my other review, but I really do think Necromance captured a cartoony tone a bit better by putting more direct "physical" comedy in the actual sequences, as well as leaning on a more colorful bit of narration.

Still, all that said, this was a pleasant enough read!
#21330 ·
· on Bartown, USA
So I whiffed on the reveal until it was actually revealed. Its fairly obvious in retrospect (the clues are all there), but it didn't click until it was actually stated.

Which raises an important question. Why wasn't it stated up front?

The reveal gives the story a decent amount of meaning in retrospect. The problem is that I had to read the story -without- that meaning first. We really don't have strong sense of why Mary is doing any of this. Like, they are arguably all generally positive life changes (moving to the city is debatable, but she frames it as positive, so we shall take it as such). But we really don't have any idea why. And there's really no stakes to it either, since nothing implies that these changes are anything but minor life improvements when you are reading without the reveal. She's not an alcoholic (maybe, the scene with the wine actually muddies that but the bar scene certainly implies that isn't the case), she seems financially okay and just interested in getting some more buffer cash, etc.

It's kind of the same problem that Hungry, Hungry Hippo was suffering from. The surprise reveal gives it some strength, but it doesn't really change that the rest of the text is a bit flaccid as a result. Basically, by the time I'm given any real motivation to care about the text (and don't get me wrong, its solidly written, I'm just more talking at a narrative level), it's over. The biggest conflict involves the wine bottle and, well, again, with the provided context up to that point, her warring with it is a little undermined by the fact it seems more like a mild active change rather than escaping alcoholism or anything. So we're stuck kind of wondering why it is being made such a big deal of.

There is good stuff in here. It is evocative and it has got heart. Its good! But I think you kneecap it a bit by hiding like, all the actual conflict and tension right at the very end.
#21329 ·
· on Hungry, Hungry Hippo · >>Baal Bunny
So this is really well written.

I really doubt even a crow would fumble the name of Starbucks, though.

I am conflicted about the place this story ends. While there certainly is some value to the parallel anti-climaxes, at the same time, is rather dissastifying to a degree that I feel it does interfere a bit with the emotional payoff. And then, of course, you do have to somewhat odd meta-positioning of the fact that the story WAS actually submitted (insofar as you want to take the meta-ness to that level - which the fic does invite by being directly about the circumstances of the Writeoff) which works a bit against the emotional punch of the story.

I think like Bartown, this story is a bit hobbled by the fact that it buries its heart pretty deep and misleads you about the actual nature of its conflict until the moment it becomes relevant. This can make for a nice little gut punch at the right moment, but, at the same time, it interferes with actually building to that climax since you're saving its reveal for that moment, leaving the rest of the story feeling a bit... perfunctory? An enjoyable perfunctory as we journey through the process, but a little lean.

And of course, the other issue with this particular short, sharp punch is you are writing it to an audience of writers. While it makes the struggle relatable, it also makes the ultimate conclusion... frustrating? Which I think goes against the tone you are going for. Because while the struggle is indeed relatable, the ultimate thing about writing is that you just have to fucking do it and put it out there. And that sort of self-pitying ending really rubs the wrong way, especially without any real build up to it. Like, I am not necessarily left thinking "poor guy", I'm left thinking, "God, just fucking do it!" And that might be a bit unfair, but that's sort of the problem about writing about writing to writer's who are writing.

And again, none of this is to say you can't have a protag that fails. But it makes blindsiding(-ish) with the failure a bit more of an issue.

All that said, I'm still not fully sure I'm correct here. It's a relatable punch, like I said. And the writing on the way up is fun (though Harmon's last line about Miranda might be a bit much). There's some good stuff here. I do think it would gain a bit from being a bit meatier on the way through. But I'm of various minds about the ending.

Also, as a pantser, I feel misrepresented. There's not enough bashing of the head on the desk, screaming "WHAT THE FUCK COMES NEXT?" :p
#21328 · 1
· on Necromance Like No One's Watching
A generally fun and entertaining fantasy ride that really puts me in mind of early Discworld.

Of course, I'm a bit more of a fan of later Discworld. :o

Seriously though, it is fun and goofy, but it definitely is sitting pretty hard in that camp, which makes some of the more "serious" beats a bit tougher to deal with? Like, it is a bit of a harder tonal change to go from zany necromancer antics to my dad murdered my mom and and maybe she should be resurrected? Not that I am against heart in comedies (I am actually a big proponent), I just feel like it ends up coming a little out left field given the general zaniness preceding that?

I dunno. I might actually be offbase there. Zany can support heart. I think it is more that the heard just wasn't trying to really show before the end.

The framing device is a bit awkward. You definitely get some decent jokes and mileage out of it, but I think it ultimately kind of ends up being a distraction since it doesn't really factor into anything or have any real impact?

I am a little rusty on reading 3rd person omniscient, but I think this story struggles a bit with it early on, bouncing a bit too aggressively between viewpoints and voices. It smooths out a bit later on, but the intro of our two leads is especially jarring. Which reminds me that the plunger comment by the narrator at the beginning is a bit of a flub of joke since the inversion is obvious.

Ultimately, I think this ends up feeling a bit like the quintessential writeoff story. There's definitely some good stuff in here, the structure is pretty solid, but it does feel like it needs a bit more time to develop and have the pacing smoothed out.
#21299 · 2
· on The Gift & The Well · >>Meridian_Prime >>Meridian_Prime
I figured out what was going on in scene nine. Mostly by virtue of knowing what the available art was, but still.

There are still a few things I can't quite place (like what exactly is happening at the beginning of the penultimate scene) yet, but for the most part I think I worked out all your poetic kitchen descriptions.

My problem ends up being that, once I realized the gimmick, my interest kind of faded because the compelling force behind the narrative is that mystery. Ithilis gets just enough characterization to exist, but they aren't particularly compelling either? The stakes aren't really well established for them. The parallel narrative doesn't actually do a lot to illuminate their motivations (or really provide much in the way of stakes).

The parallel narratives also don't really build on each other tension or interest curve-wise either. The flashbacks are fairly flat and mostly informational, providing context for the current scenes. But them being set directly against the present scenes doesn't really add much IMO, and, by breaking up the journey, make it seem like a pretty minor thing instead of as harrowing as it seems like it should be.

Of course, the somewhat ironic problem is that pre-figuring out the gimmick, the Terminology and Words are so thick and fast that they really get in the way of actually trying to appreciate what's happening.

I dunno. This is cute conceptually, but I think as a story it comes up short because it is -too- focused on the gimmick. I'm a bit sleepy now though, so I'll take another look on rested eyes later.
#21294 · 5
·
There was
a FIC
here.
It's gone now.
#21020 · 1
· on IngĂ©nue, c. 2003 · >>WritingSpirit
I think the story structure needs to be reversed a little bit. By keeping the reveal secret, you remove all the drama form the actual climax of the story (the burning of the painting) because we don't really understand the stakes. And once we learn the stakes, it kinda makes some of Catherine's questions seem a bit... stupid? Insensitive? "Why did you" is a really patently obvious answer.

Also consider making it clear the first paragraph is describing the painting. That is hella ambiguous.

Prompt relevance... I guess she is not really an ingenue? Sure.
#21019 ·
· on Watching the Show · >>libertydude
It legit took a second read after noticing comments to really click. The Jeremy was still dead line is just too well integrated into the sentence and I thought it was possibly terminology (stuck in a bad spot, etc). It is nice at how smooth it is, but you probably need to call at least a little more attention to it.

Prompt Relevance... I have no idea and I am too sleepy to think about.
#21018 ·
· on The Sparrow
Fine mood piece. Probably one of the more complete of that type since it actually focuses on an idea. Nice prose. Scene break is probably unnecessary and breaks up the flow too much.

Prompt relevance... Robo sparrow? Yup.
#21017 ·
· on On the Classification of Giant Winged Lizards
Funny last line, but takes too long to get there. Cut some of the chaff. This would be better served at the minimum word count (or as close as you can to get there).

Prompt relevance... dragon/wyvern joke. Yup.
#21016 ·
· on In the Melted Eye of the Beholder
Fine mood piece. I kinda feel this would have been better told in reverse though, with her starting at the down point and then recounting a story that gets her to a positive point so we actually have a bit of arcing and build up.

Prompt relevance... self-identity, etc. I feel it is a bit of a stretch but I can see it.
#21015 ·
· on The Many Iterations of Deborah Wood · >>Cassius
If your magic system accounts for the soul and it seems to work like the real soul, I kinda feel like that version of the wife wins by default.

Ironically I had more of a problem with this story than Male-Order Bride, since I feel the Problematic stuff is a bit more on display here what with some fairly literal objectification and the fairly comedy normalized two women play along with it and even fight over the man who clearly just needs a goddamn smack sorta thing. Outside that it is fine. I don't have a lot to add.

Prompt relevance... wrong because the homunculus being in possession of her soul should be the real one.
#21014 ·
· on My Beloved Husband · >>No_Raisin
Mostly an emotive piece focused around a single idea. The main problem from an "enjoyment" (to be used loosely here) standpoint is that he story just sort of ends. I'm pretty sure I get the hollow, empty emotion its going for there what with that being the feeling of a decayed and now loveless marriage to someone you hate, but it ends up just really thudding into place in a dissatisfying manner. Should it be satisfying? Art does not always have to be pleasurable. This certainly isn't. But it also isn't mean to be.

*shrug*

Prompt relevance... right there in the title. Yep.
#21013 ·
· on Male-Order Magic
Despite setting up the pronunciation thing, that is still super goddamn cheaty by True Name magic standards.

*arm cross*

So. I mean. Reading the impressions I certainly get why they exist, but certain elements of this story kinda don't mesh up to that for me? Like, the charms were... impressive line. I get why people are reading that as the whole fat chick thing but honestly I tend to see that sort of phrasing for something like having large breasts/ass. And that is kinda further compounded by the willowy thing. Like, the visual impression I got was she was a busty, curvy woman but he was into super model types.

Which brings us to the sex thing. Which... we're in dubious territory here and there are mountains of discussions to be had re: rape in media and unhealthy non-consent and such. But I kinda ultimately came away from the story... not really feeling like the guy was being particularly violated? Like, do not get me wrong here. There is not actual consent, that is a problem, magical slavery, etc, but the story plays it so soft it legit feels like he's more or less *shrug* about it? Like she isn't his first choice and he's more interested in going home, but he isn't -actually- against it?

I dunno.

Prompt Relevance... see my snark about true name magic up above >:|
#21012 ·
· on Son the Father · >>No_Raisin
The atomic bomb line really oversells things, I think, so far as mood setters go. And similarly I think the italics at the end is out of place. Actually, I guess that is kind of the problem in general is that I feel a lot of it is a bit overplayed. I thought what you were going for was just that his dad understood what a monster Charlie was and refused to act out of fear... but the frame at the beginning and end seems to indicate it might be ACTUAL ignorance as opposed to willful ignorance, which I think is less impactful. But I might be wrong there.

I think you really want to tighten up Daniel's story and make it clearly about the nature of his ignorance.

Prompt relevance... father in name only. That's pretty good. Hits the story theme quite cleanly. Thumbs up.
#21011 ·
· on Saint's Day
I'd have figured giving up your day gets someone else laid.

Neat framework concept and the story told with it works okay enough. It's fine.Not really sure how I feel about it otherwise. Sorry. I want to give a more cognizent bit of feedback, but that's just of the feeling I was left. This is fine. I don't really have ideas to make it better, but there's nothing to super call out as a problem.

Also, this story made me self-conscious because I cook 2-3 eggs for myself sometimes. =(

Prompt Relevance... less sure here. There might be something if I puzzled at it, but it isn't immediately jumping out at me as strong guided.
#21010 ·
· on Patrimony · >>Baal Bunny
I'm old and I've never actually read Puss in Boots.

Honestly, the twist mostly feels kind of underwhelming. I mean, it re-contextualizes the relationship a little bit but it ultimately doesn't really change enough to land solidly. The lampshade hang makes a lot more sense with the knowledge that this is Puss in Boots, but I'm also not really sure it helps or is necessary? Magic has its own rules, etc, but given what we know about the setting I think going for a "ha, ha, talking cats are dumb he should have known I was a shapeshifting ogre!" just doesn't really land as effectively?

Ultimately this one is a bit hard for me because it feels like it is really leaning on the knowledge of Puss in Boots which I lacked so a lot of it just didn't land, aside from the way he dispatched the ogre which was a pretty obvious thing.

I think a lot like the whaling story the primary problem is that there isn't much of an emotional arc here for the reader? I think the punchline is supposed to be the real ramp up given the anticlimax delivery of the fairytale's climax, but like I said above, I don't actually feel it makes that much of a difference (at least with the information here). He hates the ogre. It being his dad I guess makes it a bit darker, but it doesn't really change anything, as it were. Might work better in context of the actual story though.

Prompt Relevance... sure. Applies to the father thing. Applies to the cat thing. Works.
#20983 · 1
· on It's Not the Leaving that Grieves Me
I think the core problem here is that this story is very flat. Not to say you don't have emotion or or imagery or anything, but more that the intensity starts kinda middling, continues kinda middling, and ends middling. It is very much a lateral line to a fairly inevitable conclusion (my guess was she cheated on him or he died).

Arcing is hard in minis since you have very little space to do it. Obvioiusly people should not expect like a short story level thing, but I do think some change is important. Some manner of building tension or a change in the emotion. And that just isn't really here.

Prompt relevance... you've actually kinda got me here. I can't draw any sort of connection.
#20982 · 2
· on The Hangman · >>Monokeras
This story is mean.

Generally a story has a... well. Point. Something it wants to say or communicate and this... unless you really want to go on the metaphor train doesn't really feel like it has one. It is just snarky, shockingly cruel, then snarky again.

Tonally it is really jarring because you go from kinda jokey to MURDER to kinda jokey again. And that ends up not really aligning because the MURDER is portrayed so deadly straight and ugly that it is impossible to go smoothly from one mood to the other. And the other inconsistencies do kind of add up. Like, being embarrassed about saying copulation is one thing. Being so embarrassed you get yourself killed over it is another.

I'm also not really sure of the significance of the final line. It sounds like it is supposed to be delivered as a real zinger, but I'm not seeing what the connection to anything to make it a zinger actually is.

Now, all that said, there is a read here that I think works better which is that this is supposed to be more a metaphorical story about public performance in school and the cruelty of other kids, but... eh? I dunno, it doesn't feel like it gels well there because in that case it feels like it should be centered more on Jack as the actual protagonist rather than this sort of omniscent view of what's going down around since, as we are, we are kinda disconnected from Dave's plight. I dunno. I think it's a reasonable read on what was attempted, but I have a hard time articulating why I don't think it really works in that function. *shrug emoji*

Prompt relevance... this is kind of literally the opposite of the prompt. Normal Hangman is in name only. This is pretty literal. :p Not sure how I count prompt inversion!
#20981 · 1
· on By Any Other Name · >>Monokeras
I think the arc and the message here is really muddled. At least that's the impression I get from the ending. Given the title I kinda feel like the ultimate conclusion of the story should be more that the name given to the rose doesn't really matter, but it in fact seems to matter a -lot-. And I think that is kind of a loss to the story.

That said, I'm honestly really not sure what you are actually for with the ending. I mean, it is clear that it is supposed to be a reconciliation moment of sorts, but I'm not really sure what the emotional backing behind it is. At some level it honestly feels like the guide is patronizing him.

Speaking of the guide though, that part kinda bugs me. I mean, if his dad is the one doing the genetic engineering to bring these flowers back, I kinda feel like he's in a better position to actually know the identity of the flower than the guide? That just really jumped out at me.

The way you lean into the unknown nature of the flowers is a bit... inconsistent? You use mysterious terminology to describe them, but the problem is that our protagonist actually knows what they are. So continuing to lean into it is... weird because we the audience know what they are. The protagonist knows what they are. I'm not really sure why the narrator muddles it. I sort of agree with >>horizon Horizon in that I think you should go with nobody being right about what it is, but I don't think it is to double down on the tragedy of hte loss, but to reveal that the loss of that information doesn't change the beauty of a rose, which feeds back into the title.

Prompt relevance... I see how you get there. Its a fine take on it.
#20980 · 1
· on Born Killers
I am disappointed this isn't actually a Guilty Gear fic.

The problem here is that the build to the punchline is... kinda non-existent? The thing is that you establish from the get go that they aren't actually going to hunt Lygia, so that expectation subversion is more that they are doing something fun with her rather than doing business with her, which isn't really much of a subversion so much as a slight jog to the side. Which ultimately results in it landing really flat since the entire build up is about her.

You need some sort of tension in the story. Like even just running the fake up (pretending they are showing up to hunt, then just sit down in the bar to do trivia night with her) would work because you hit the classic arc.

Prompt relevance is... okay. I can see how you got there from here, and you lean on the goofy name thing which I imagine is part of your prompt relation. Basically, not feeling it strongly, but I also don't have to squint to see it.
#20626 ·
· on Three-Card Shuffle · >>horizon
A'ight author. I love you but this story annoyed me intensely. So let's just lead with quality of prose is fine, I think the idea is workable, and such.

First of all, we can add this to the list of stories this round that I really question our viewpoint character. Stories where the protagonist is ancillary to major events occurring in the world and those intrude on their life. But the story still needs to be -about- them. Fundamentally, this is a story about Mary to which the main character is merely narrating. Which typing that sentence, in and of itself, made me even more conscious about because I honestly could not recall the lead's name. I had to look at Baal's comment to remember it. And it turns out that is for a good reason, because it actually only shows up at the end!

Regina, at least as observed for the majority of the story, does not really do a lot. It is of course revealed at the end that she is more involved, but the problem with that is not only is it a fairly tail end reveal, but it is also one that raises a lot of questions that are kind of hand-waved. Why is she so interested in helping? Why does she inherently side with Mary? How does she have contact with the other super group (and enough pull to arrange what she did). There are implications, of course, but those implications do not necessarily imply the conclusions that need to be drawn.

Speaking of supers, while you use that word early, it is actually kind of unclear that you are talking about a superhero world. The bit about watching a video to learn vague psychokinesis kinda makes it unclear, especially since that actually puts me more in the mind of espers. The cape line attempts to supplement it, but it is just working against a lot of expectations since we're talking about a world where learning psychokinesis via youtube video is a thing. So I end up picturing somehting more My Hero Academia style which ends up not quite being right either. I get that you are trying to build organically, but I feel it just doesn't really end up actually providing enough detail.

This also ends up confusing because it really muddies the concept of what a "super" is, as does Regina's weasel wording about being a super. She has a demonstrable power. What does this mean in the context of the world since apparently it is enough that she can actively use it and pretend not to be a super.

Which, in fact, is sort of my broadest, largest problem with the story. The landscape feels like it is constantly shifting, with new information arriving that requires a reimagining rather frequently. A lot of details, I think, arrive a bit too late to be useful (both world and plot) leading to a very frustrating feelings of always being one-step behind the story, but less because the author is outwitting you and more because you just lack the requisite information to actually realize what's going on. Like, small example, the mask tan is supposed to be a hint about things, but that presupposes a TON of information. Starting with "Roulette - who we never actually learn anything about in this story - wears THAT kind of mask."

There is a certain smugness to the story (mostly as filtered through Regina obviously), and that is made insufferable by that feeling of being underinformed. And don't get me wrong here. Tonally you're right on for the type of story you are telling (noir/heist style elements where the lead is the smartest character in the room) but it ends up being surprisingly irritating when I as a reader am constantly having to rebuild my understanding because of newly introduced information.

And even then, we still end up missing a bit of stuff. For example, is tarot real in this world? It definitely seems to be, but I don't actually know. Is that her actual power?

Speaking of tarot, that opening line. It is a great hook, but by the end I'm really confused by it because you seem to go back and forth a lot on whether you can cheat at tarot. I mean, you state there at the opening line. Then you have her undermine that stacking the deck matters. But then you have her get super mad about stacking the deck (Which, to sidebar, I have problems with both those scenes in that the shuffling the major arcana to the bottom thing still really doesn't make any actual sense to me - do only supers get major arcana or something) and we end up... never really addressing the opening line. Near as I can tell she didn't cheat at Tarot. All the predictions were, as far as I can recall, accurate. So what even was that bit?

I'm rambling, so I'm going to round out with the the physical structure. The way this story reads is frustrating, because it basically amounts to "relevant scene from the past" "interruption to detective to explain a thing or have him be stupid" "relevant scene from the past" over and over and over. And the scenes are short enough that they really, really, really feel like interruptions. By the end I really wanted to slap him and just say "shut up and let her tell the goddamn story."

I dunno. I think you get the gist of it. If you really want I can ramble more at you about my issues but I honestly assume you just want to punch me in the mouth. So, like I said above, the actual quality of the writing is fairly on point, the idea is perfectly servicable, etc. But this rendition really, really rubbed me the wrong way.
#20624 ·
· on A Story of Water and Blood
This was fine. It was fine. Fine, fine, fine. That's just kind of how I walked away from it feeling. I was not amazingly blown away,.. and this review is starting to sound rather familiar.

Ultimately I definitely find myself in a very similar spot as when I read Antoine's Armory here. This is fine. It trades being a bit more in my wheelhouse for struggling a bit more to be as clean. The double opening is a really weird choice and honestly kind of a bad one. Both the first scene and the second scene more or less serve the same purpose, so there's not really much reason to have both. There's even less reason to have one be a random italicized flashback that makes the timeline of the following scene more confusing.

The ending also doesn't end up working out too well for me either. You are more or less done with the conflict in the queen scene, so it'd probably be better to focus on making the last scene a quick denouement with the two brothers having a moment centered around Teague doing this for Uilliam rather than fake dangling the result that everyone knows is going to be the case.

Sorry I don't have a lot to say on this one either.
Paging WIP