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Cold Comfort For Change
“If you don’t want your orchard to disappear —”
“— all you have to do is sign here.”
Applejack, taking the quill in her mouth, leaned forward but stopped halfway. She looked at Flim’s eyes, then at Flam’s, hoping to find anything indicating trickery, but, probably for the first time, she could only see honesty and concerns. They somehow even looked sad.
She wished she could have spotted the sly glint she was used to see from them. She would have smiled, she would have laughed, then she would have torn their contract in millions of pieces before kicking them out, making sure they wouldn’t be able to comfortably sit for a few days. Therefore, her mind wouldn’t have been fighting her heart to decide what to do.
“It’s for the best,” said Flim.
“We’ll take care of the rest,” said Flam.
They were right, it was for the best. At least, the best for her family.
“And what if I need to go on your side of the orchard?” she asked.
“You’ll see on the third page of the contract,” said Flim.
“That as long you don’t interfere with our harvest,” added Flam.
“You’ll have full access,” said the former.
“And that’s a promise,” replied the latter.
Applejack searched for her brother’s eyes on her right, but they were only filled with a calm fatalism. Whatever she would choose, he would support her. It had always been this way — she hadn’t any real trouble convincing him not to enrol — but that wasn’t what she needed right now. She needed a confirmation or a disapproval, something, anything besides that cold resignation.
A loud snort came from upstairs. Despite her attachment to the land, Granny Smith had only said one thing before leaving her handling the negotiations. Do as you must. Even with all her claims of being the one in charge, it seemed that, in the end, she was willing to let Applejack run the business.
Or what would remain after signing.
Applejack thought about who was also sleeping upstairs. Her little sister, she deserved the best and Applejack couldn’t give her less. Whatever would be her destiny, even if it meant she would leave the farm, she deserved the best. And if she was destined to run the family business, at least she would have something to run.
So she signed.
“You’ve made the right choice, Miss Applejack —”
“— we’ll put Sweet Apple Acres on the right track.”
Applejack eyed the twins with a cold stare. “Please, leave.”
The brothers quickly complied, leaving the two Apples
Big Mac put a bottle on the table and Applejack nodded. A glass of hard cider sounded right at the moment.
She took her glass and drank it in one gulp.
If Celestia was right, the war wouldn’t last more than a year. A lot could happen in a year, but Applejack was sure she would be able to buy their share to Flim and Flam. The war over, everything would be back to normal.
It was only a matter of time.
“— all you have to do is sign here.”
Applejack, taking the quill in her mouth, leaned forward but stopped halfway. She looked at Flim’s eyes, then at Flam’s, hoping to find anything indicating trickery, but, probably for the first time, she could only see honesty and concerns. They somehow even looked sad.
She wished she could have spotted the sly glint she was used to see from them. She would have smiled, she would have laughed, then she would have torn their contract in millions of pieces before kicking them out, making sure they wouldn’t be able to comfortably sit for a few days. Therefore, her mind wouldn’t have been fighting her heart to decide what to do.
“It’s for the best,” said Flim.
“We’ll take care of the rest,” said Flam.
They were right, it was for the best. At least, the best for her family.
“And what if I need to go on your side of the orchard?” she asked.
“You’ll see on the third page of the contract,” said Flim.
“That as long you don’t interfere with our harvest,” added Flam.
“You’ll have full access,” said the former.
“And that’s a promise,” replied the latter.
Applejack searched for her brother’s eyes on her right, but they were only filled with a calm fatalism. Whatever she would choose, he would support her. It had always been this way — she hadn’t any real trouble convincing him not to enrol — but that wasn’t what she needed right now. She needed a confirmation or a disapproval, something, anything besides that cold resignation.
A loud snort came from upstairs. Despite her attachment to the land, Granny Smith had only said one thing before leaving her handling the negotiations. Do as you must. Even with all her claims of being the one in charge, it seemed that, in the end, she was willing to let Applejack run the business.
Or what would remain after signing.
Applejack thought about who was also sleeping upstairs. Her little sister, she deserved the best and Applejack couldn’t give her less. Whatever would be her destiny, even if it meant she would leave the farm, she deserved the best. And if she was destined to run the family business, at least she would have something to run.
So she signed.
“You’ve made the right choice, Miss Applejack —”
“— we’ll put Sweet Apple Acres on the right track.”
Applejack eyed the twins with a cold stare. “Please, leave.”
The brothers quickly complied, leaving the two Apples
Big Mac put a bottle on the table and Applejack nodded. A glass of hard cider sounded right at the moment.
She took her glass and drank it in one gulp.
If Celestia was right, the war wouldn’t last more than a year. A lot could happen in a year, but Applejack was sure she would be able to buy their share to Flim and Flam. The war over, everything would be back to normal.
It was only a matter of time.
Interesting turn at the end. The story was well written, and I’m actually quite pleased with the direction you took it. Was certain you were going to go into a rewrite of Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 3000 but sad and I raised my eyebrows (in quite a good way) when that ending came around.
I liked it.
I liked it.
War takes a heavy toll, at home and abroad. I gather this is a story from the Sombra War alternate timeline, and it makes a lot of sense (as Sweet Apple Acres was heavily industrialized there, and the hardships of war would mean difficult times).
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
The twist is very well-executed and well-structured; it came as a genuine surprise while simultaneously re-contextualizing the central conflict in a new light. That alone makes me view the fic favorably. Characters are also ringing true throughout, which is always a huge plus in my book.
Still, I'm a little disappointed at what I think is a need for some more emotional depth to really make the story shine. After the impact of the twist passes, what we're left with is a pretty standard "pony-does-something-she'd-rather-not" story.On my second and third readings, Applejack's conflicting feelings feel very clear and clean-cut, which makes the conflict seem simpler than it should. This sounds like weird advice even to me, but I'd suggest hiding Applejack's thoughts a little to let the reader fill in the gaps. There's only so much emotional complexity you can put into a minific, but you can let the reader do a lot of the heavy-lifting if you give them a little more breathing room.
Still, I'm a little disappointed at what I think is a need for some more emotional depth to really make the story shine. After the impact of the twist passes, what we're left with is a pretty standard "pony-does-something-she'd-rather-not" story.On my second and third readings, Applejack's conflicting feelings feel very clear and clean-cut, which makes the conflict seem simpler than it should. This sounds like weird advice even to me, but I'd suggest hiding Applejack's thoughts a little to let the reader fill in the gaps. There's only so much emotional complexity you can put into a minific, but you can let the reader do a lot of the heavy-lifting if you give them a little more breathing room.
I enjoyed this as a fresh little twist on a common idea. I think what's missing is fully understanding the other side of the deal -- if she doesn't sign it, what does she lose? I don't quite feel the tension, all along I just assumed she'll sign it reluctantly. I don't get to see the other side of the argument, which might tempt her otherwise.
(maybe the title is hinting at the Pink Floyd song for more context, such as the reference to the war. but I always thought those lyrics were too vaguely worded to get a story out of them, so it's probably just inspiration)
(maybe the title is hinting at the Pink Floyd song for more context, such as the reference to the war. but I always thought those lyrics were too vaguely worded to get a story out of them, so it's probably just inspiration)
First: I can't imagine Flim and Flam are the right ponies to sell anything to. I'm sure AJ had better options available.
Second, selling the farm because of a war? Soldiers need to eat too, y'know. I'm willing to bet there were better solutions available than this. Especially considering that Applejack knows the princesses, who I'm sure could have found a solution to the problem that didn't involve this.
But these things aren't the problem with the story. The real problem is that we haven't been shown what has really led to Applejack having to sell off parts of the farm. By not giving us that important bit of information, we are left to speculate, and speculation leads to the doubts mentioned above and more. I'm typically okay with leaving some things to reader interpretation, but it feels like this has too many holes. The foundation is incomplete, and so the events can't stand on their own.
Second, selling the farm because of a war? Soldiers need to eat too, y'know. I'm willing to bet there were better solutions available than this. Especially considering that Applejack knows the princesses, who I'm sure could have found a solution to the problem that didn't involve this.
But these things aren't the problem with the story. The real problem is that we haven't been shown what has really led to Applejack having to sell off parts of the farm. By not giving us that important bit of information, we are left to speculate, and speculation leads to the doubts mentioned above and more. I'm typically okay with leaving some things to reader interpretation, but it feels like this has too many holes. The foundation is incomplete, and so the events can't stand on their own.
Well, that was interesting. I really like the twist you put on it at the end, with the Crystal War. However, I'm afraid I do not see the reason for selling the farm. If you ever expand it, that's what I would recommend working on.
Tier: Keep developing.
Tier: Keep developing.
>>regidar
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>Haze
>>PaulAsaran
>>horizon
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Moosetasm
>>Whitbane
*DWK intro music*
Okay, so:
The story happens during the alternate timeline with the war against Sombra and the Crystal Empire. Applejack has to sell a large part of Sweet Apple Acres because the war needs an industrialised food production. Thus, Flim and Flam are here to buy the right to use the orchard for the production line.
Obviously, Applejack is reluctant to sell the land that has been in the family since Granny's youth, but, she knows that if Sombra wins, there won't be any future for her family and Sweet Apple Acre. Moreover, and I was playing around the trope that the Apples are poor, the money will help pay for Apple Bloom future.
I didn't bluntly state what was happening because, one, it's minific and every word counts, two, I hate when authors think I'm stupid, giving me everything without letting me figuring things out, and three, the exposition train is something I try to avoid.
And yes, this fic is heavily inspired by Pink Floyd's song.
>>Moosetasm
The hot ashes are what will remain once the war would be over, when AJ would buy their share to Flim and Flam.
>>horizon
Because of the song, and because I wanted to try rhyming verses. :insertmemefacehere:
Anyway, thank you for your comments and for making my entry to the finals.
Take care and be safe.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bremen
>>Bachiavellian
>>Haze
>>PaulAsaran
>>horizon
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Moosetasm
>>Whitbane
*DWK intro music*
Okay, so:
The story happens during the alternate timeline with the war against Sombra and the Crystal Empire. Applejack has to sell a large part of Sweet Apple Acres because the war needs an industrialised food production. Thus, Flim and Flam are here to buy the right to use the orchard for the production line.
Obviously, Applejack is reluctant to sell the land that has been in the family since Granny's youth, but, she knows that if Sombra wins, there won't be any future for her family and Sweet Apple Acre. Moreover, and I was playing around the trope that the Apples are poor, the money will help pay for Apple Bloom future.
I didn't bluntly state what was happening because, one, it's minific and every word counts, two, I hate when authors think I'm stupid, giving me everything without letting me figuring things out, and three, the exposition train is something I try to avoid.
And yes, this fic is heavily inspired by Pink Floyd's song.
>>Moosetasm
The hot ashes are what will remain once the war would be over, when AJ would buy their share to Flim and Flam.
>>horizon
Because of the song, and because I wanted to try rhyming verses. :insertmemefacehere:
Anyway, thank you for your comments and for making my entry to the finals.
Take care and be safe.