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Similitude
Not much to say about this one, other than that the reviewers mostly nailed it; my first draft of this story weighed in at 1,400 words, and that's without the scenes with Discord and/or Luna I'd considered. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get it down to 750, and I ended up cutting out basically all the introspection and interaction. I probably would have been better off with a different, less ambitious concept, but by then it was too late to start over.
I did keep the original version, though, and there were enough encouraging words that I might end up polishing it and putting it up in the group (which would be my first story on Fimfiction; I was waiting on something especially successful in order to start off with a bang).
>>Trick_Question
I might slightly disagree with this one. I know Chrysalis doing what she did for her hive was common fanon after Canterlot Wedding, but I think To Where and Back Again showed that at her core all that Chrysalis cares about is Chrysalis.
Also, I think it's clear that since being reformed Starlight is nothing like Chrysalis. What I was going for in this story was more her worrying that she was like Chrysalis *before* being reformed, and I felt that isn't really true, because while Starlight was wrong in her goals, she didn't ignore those around her; she at least thought she was helping the ponies of her town, and reacted badly to the suggestion that her time travel was hurting other ponies.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Foehn >>ChappedPenguinLips >>Not_A_Hat >>Xepher >>FanOfMostEverything >>Monokeras >>Posh >>Winston
Not much to say about this one, other than that the reviewers mostly nailed it; my first draft of this story weighed in at 1,400 words, and that's without the scenes with Discord and/or Luna I'd considered. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get it down to 750, and I ended up cutting out basically all the introspection and interaction. I probably would have been better off with a different, less ambitious concept, but by then it was too late to start over.
I did keep the original version, though, and there were enough encouraging words that I might end up polishing it and putting it up in the group (which would be my first story on Fimfiction; I was waiting on something especially successful in order to start off with a bang).
>>Trick_Question
I might slightly disagree with this one. I know Chrysalis doing what she did for her hive was common fanon after Canterlot Wedding, but I think To Where and Back Again showed that at her core all that Chrysalis cares about is Chrysalis.
Also, I think it's clear that since being reformed Starlight is nothing like Chrysalis. What I was going for in this story was more her worrying that she was like Chrysalis *before* being reformed, and I felt that isn't really true, because while Starlight was wrong in her goals, she didn't ignore those around her; she at least thought she was helping the ponies of her town, and reacted badly to the suggestion that her time travel was hurting other ponies.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Foehn >>ChappedPenguinLips >>Not_A_Hat >>Xepher >>FanOfMostEverything >>Monokeras >>Posh >>Winston
I hate to be the one guy that didn't really like it, but I think this story didn't work for me.
I think it may just be my brain not being able to neatly categorize it; it plays out too straight to really come off as a silly/absurd story, but the characters feel too off to take it as a normal comedy. Several of the characters act extremely out of character here, and the story uses little tricks to avoid confronting that; we never see Rainbow Dash explain what she was thinking, for instance, and when the other ponies acting out of character comes up the conversation always changes on to a tangent rather than actually talk about it. Which would work great if the entire story were absurd, but some of the characters were trying to be serious about it so that kind of verbal sidestepping just felt off to me.
The voicing seemed off to me as well. Has Spike ever called Twilight "Sis" before, or Applejack called her "Princess"? It's just a tiny thing, but that and some other lines didn't feel quite right to me.
In the end, I kind of feel guilty for not liking it; I've certainly loved plenty of absurd stories where the ponies were far more out of character than this one, but I guess the fact that this wasn't a completely absurd story made it feel more jarring.
I think it may just be my brain not being able to neatly categorize it; it plays out too straight to really come off as a silly/absurd story, but the characters feel too off to take it as a normal comedy. Several of the characters act extremely out of character here, and the story uses little tricks to avoid confronting that; we never see Rainbow Dash explain what she was thinking, for instance, and when the other ponies acting out of character comes up the conversation always changes on to a tangent rather than actually talk about it. Which would work great if the entire story were absurd, but some of the characters were trying to be serious about it so that kind of verbal sidestepping just felt off to me.
The voicing seemed off to me as well. Has Spike ever called Twilight "Sis" before, or Applejack called her "Princess"? It's just a tiny thing, but that and some other lines didn't feel quite right to me.
In the end, I kind of feel guilty for not liking it; I've certainly loved plenty of absurd stories where the ponies were far more out of character than this one, but I guess the fact that this wasn't a completely absurd story made it feel more jarring.
Yeah, I knew this prompt would mean a lot of sad stories.
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
This is a touching fic, and says what it needs to and no more. We don't even find out who's dead, and it doesn't matter. It's an evocative mood piece.
One thing I noticed; "What can she say to Luna?" feels like it should be "What could she say to Luna?"
I came up with this idea when the first previews for The Crystalling started airing; that is, coincidentally, why Starlight doesn't show up anywhere in the story. I even tried to write it up at the time, but I couldn't think of a way to make it a workable story, and it was only through the encouragement of a friend that I ended up rewriting it for the Forbidden Knowledge prompt.
Comedy isn't really my forte; I have occasional moments of inspiration, but generally speaking when given a set of A and B my mind will skip right to the quickest path between them and ignore other options. This makes for a lousy comedy, unfortunately. I think that's the problem with this story; I came up with a few jokes, but too much of it is played straight to really be a full comedy.
Additionally, I tried to work in at least a bit of a point; Twilight complains about the stallions just seeing her as a "pair of wings and a horn" as a meta-allusion to the objectification of women. Pepe Le Pew got brought up, but I was actually going with the opposite; there's an unfortunate tendency to excuse objectifying women for their beauty as "complimenting" them, and I tried to use the example of objectifying Twilight as a broodmare (something much more clearly objectionable) as a metaphor to show the problems it can cause. In hindsight, this was probably another misstep; treating it too seriously would be tonal whiplash in a comedy, and not treating it seriously enough muddled the message and also interrupted the comedy.
This was my first short story (as opposed to minific) and it shows. Additionally, I kind of tapped out near the end; the scene with Zecora definitely deserved to be longer, at least, as well as more descriptions and less summarizing. I probably would have done better to do more outlining and pacing myself, but again, first short story. For both my minifics I just had a single scene in mind and let it flow.
>>Corejo
I maintain that Zecora doesn't make a habit of using iambic anything :p. I certainly didn't try for it in my story; I tried to give the lines decent flow and matched syllable counts (and even then I missed one), but I can't do scansion and it wasn't worth trying to make someone do it for me. Any resemblance to actual meter was purely coincidental.
>>Bachiavellian
For the most part I agree, though I think that particular scene works better as a reference; I can't think of any way to make it actually be funny. But having established the suitors better first would probably have at least set the scene for it better.
>>georg
This probably could have used more Twilight and suitor scenes; I blame conservation of effort, since I'd went through the two obvious candidates with Blueblood and Trixie, and adding more would probably have involved putting more effort into coming up with OCs.
Good call on it needing physical humor, though again I'm not very humorously inclined. I also wanted to avoid any scenes of Twilight running from or physically struggling with the suitors, for obvious reasons.
>>TheCyanRecluse
I actually tried to minimize the troubling aspects of Shining's mortality as much as I could. Admitedly, "skirting the subject" is a pretty clumsy way of minimizing it, but... all the other ways I could think of were worse. Any attempt at treating it more delicately would involve actually calling out him being dead, which felt wrong in a comedy fic. I actually wouldn't mind any suggestions here, if you have any.
As for the second point.. yeah, this was an idea I had but with no idea how to end it. I was actually fairly happy with what I eventually came up with, but I can see why it comes off as meandering. The scene with Trixie, for instance, was written before I even had a clue how to end it, and originally the story actually ended at the Zecora scene. It would have been better if I'd come up with some clever ending that involved pieces from every scene, but... I've got nothing. That's the problem with clever endings.
>>TitaniumDragon
I think of it like this: If scientists discovered a dozen people in the world had a gene that meant their babies would be extremely smart, athletic, and free of mental and physical health problems, those people would be mobbed. More to provide donations to other couples, probably, but that wasn't an option in this story.
Now imagine that this gene gives their children super powers and immortality, and well. People have done much more to accomplish much less towards securing their children's legacy.
>>Cold in Gardez
This is a tricky one. Certainly I want to avoid any problematic elements, and unlike Pepe Le Pew I tried to avoid any scenes of Twilight actually being chased, or the suitors trying to batter her door down, or anything like that. My goal was more to paint her as annoyed by all the stallions trying to flirt with her than them being aggressive or stalkerish about it, but that might not have shown through as well as I intended. Ironically writing out more scenes with the suitors, instead of summarizing them, might have helped with this.
I'd hoped to avoid any unfortunate implications by having Twilight be the one in the position of power, and also portraying the suitors as clearly in the wrong, but clearly I wasn't entirely successful.
Comedy isn't really my forte; I have occasional moments of inspiration, but generally speaking when given a set of A and B my mind will skip right to the quickest path between them and ignore other options. This makes for a lousy comedy, unfortunately. I think that's the problem with this story; I came up with a few jokes, but too much of it is played straight to really be a full comedy.
Additionally, I tried to work in at least a bit of a point; Twilight complains about the stallions just seeing her as a "pair of wings and a horn" as a meta-allusion to the objectification of women. Pepe Le Pew got brought up, but I was actually going with the opposite; there's an unfortunate tendency to excuse objectifying women for their beauty as "complimenting" them, and I tried to use the example of objectifying Twilight as a broodmare (something much more clearly objectionable) as a metaphor to show the problems it can cause. In hindsight, this was probably another misstep; treating it too seriously would be tonal whiplash in a comedy, and not treating it seriously enough muddled the message and also interrupted the comedy.
This was my first short story (as opposed to minific) and it shows. Additionally, I kind of tapped out near the end; the scene with Zecora definitely deserved to be longer, at least, as well as more descriptions and less summarizing. I probably would have done better to do more outlining and pacing myself, but again, first short story. For both my minifics I just had a single scene in mind and let it flow.
>>Corejo
I maintain that Zecora doesn't make a habit of using iambic anything :p. I certainly didn't try for it in my story; I tried to give the lines decent flow and matched syllable counts (and even then I missed one), but I can't do scansion and it wasn't worth trying to make someone do it for me. Any resemblance to actual meter was purely coincidental.
>>Bachiavellian
For the most part I agree, though I think that particular scene works better as a reference; I can't think of any way to make it actually be funny. But having established the suitors better first would probably have at least set the scene for it better.
>>georg
This probably could have used more Twilight and suitor scenes; I blame conservation of effort, since I'd went through the two obvious candidates with Blueblood and Trixie, and adding more would probably have involved putting more effort into coming up with OCs.
Good call on it needing physical humor, though again I'm not very humorously inclined. I also wanted to avoid any scenes of Twilight running from or physically struggling with the suitors, for obvious reasons.
>>TheCyanRecluse
I actually tried to minimize the troubling aspects of Shining's mortality as much as I could. Admitedly, "skirting the subject" is a pretty clumsy way of minimizing it, but... all the other ways I could think of were worse. Any attempt at treating it more delicately would involve actually calling out him being dead, which felt wrong in a comedy fic. I actually wouldn't mind any suggestions here, if you have any.
As for the second point.. yeah, this was an idea I had but with no idea how to end it. I was actually fairly happy with what I eventually came up with, but I can see why it comes off as meandering. The scene with Trixie, for instance, was written before I even had a clue how to end it, and originally the story actually ended at the Zecora scene. It would have been better if I'd come up with some clever ending that involved pieces from every scene, but... I've got nothing. That's the problem with clever endings.
>>TitaniumDragon
I think of it like this: If scientists discovered a dozen people in the world had a gene that meant their babies would be extremely smart, athletic, and free of mental and physical health problems, those people would be mobbed. More to provide donations to other couples, probably, but that wasn't an option in this story.
Now imagine that this gene gives their children super powers and immortality, and well. People have done much more to accomplish much less towards securing their children's legacy.
>>Cold in Gardez
This is a tricky one. Certainly I want to avoid any problematic elements, and unlike Pepe Le Pew I tried to avoid any scenes of Twilight actually being chased, or the suitors trying to batter her door down, or anything like that. My goal was more to paint her as annoyed by all the stallions trying to flirt with her than them being aggressive or stalkerish about it, but that might not have shown through as well as I intended. Ironically writing out more scenes with the suitors, instead of summarizing them, might have helped with this.
I'd hoped to avoid any unfortunate implications by having Twilight be the one in the position of power, and also portraying the suitors as clearly in the wrong, but clearly I wasn't entirely successful.
>>Trick_Question
It may be a bit late, but for what it's worth this story didn't really bother me, and I'm sad it didn't make it through.
I do understand where the others were coming from, and I'm not trying to deny the problem they had, but to me a lot is knowing your target, like with the S1 episode about pranks. This would be an absolutely horrible prank to pull on a stranger, but I give it the benefit of the doubt and assume Starlight and Trixie knew Twilight would handle it fine.
It may be a bit late, but for what it's worth this story didn't really bother me, and I'm sad it didn't make it through.
I do understand where the others were coming from, and I'm not trying to deny the problem they had, but to me a lot is knowing your target, like with the S1 episode about pranks. This would be an absolutely horrible prank to pull on a stranger, but I give it the benefit of the doubt and assume Starlight and Trixie knew Twilight would handle it fine.
War takes a heavy toll, at home and abroad. I gather this is a story from the Sombra War alternate timeline, and it makes a lot of sense (as Sweet Apple Acres was heavily industrialized there, and the hardships of war would mean difficult times).
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
It's a perfectly valid usage, but might I suggest changing the word "enrol" to "enlist"? It took me a bit to realize what that meant, since I associate enroll with a different meaning.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
That was my reading too, that the ponies didn't realize (and were horrified when they found out) what they were doing. I think the last line was the "cold comfort" part of the fic.
Makes for a sad but powerful story, IMHO.
That was my reading too, that the ponies didn't realize (and were horrified when they found out) what they were doing. I think the last line was the "cold comfort" part of the fic.
Makes for a sad but powerful story, IMHO.
I thought this was going to be a feelings fic. Then things got weird.
Other than that... it's kind of hard to describe, really. It's hard to tell how much of this is supposed to be metaphorical and how much is literal. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
Other than that... it's kind of hard to describe, really. It's hard to tell how much of this is supposed to be metaphorical and how much is literal. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
I'll Nth not being someone who could judge poetry on technical merits. All I can judge on is whether I find it pleasing, and I definitely did here. More than once I stopped to reread a line aloud to myself, quite enamored.
I'll second Everyday that I particularly liked this set:
Come closer here—my heart, my host.
Come closer. Hear my heart, my host,
The same words, but different, really gave those lines a punch I wasn't expecting.
Giving the Nightmare a voice was also something new to me, and you did it well. It's sad and plaintive without judging. Setting it as a poem works perfectly for evoking emotion without getting bogged down with details like a story about the Nightmare would probably have to.
I'll second Everyday that I particularly liked this set:
Come closer here—my heart, my host.
Come closer. Hear my heart, my host,
The same words, but different, really gave those lines a punch I wasn't expecting.
Giving the Nightmare a voice was also something new to me, and you did it well. It's sad and plaintive without judging. Setting it as a poem works perfectly for evoking emotion without getting bogged down with details like a story about the Nightmare would probably have to.