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The Morning After · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
#1 · 14
· · >>Chryssi
Ehi and welcome to this new WriteOff round!

This message is going to be short… I’ve been kidnapped by changelings…

Keep your pony stories under 750 words or Chrysalis will hex you.
Don’t disclose your identity or Chrysalis will cocoon you.
No fancy prompt or Chrysalis will bug you.
Start your work Saturday 12GMT and submit it by Sunday 12GMT or Chrysalis will bore holes in your exoskeleton.

HELP! HELP! SHE’S COMING…




Hello! I’m the new Monokeras… Come here my little contestants, I’m so eager to know you…
#2 · 7
· · >>Trick_Question >>tPg >>Chryssi
I'll bore holes in Chrysalis's exoskeleton, if you know what I mean...
#3 ·
·
>>Syeekoh
Those are useful for extracting love. :heart:
#4 · 2
·
>>Syeekoh
I know exactly what you mean.

I too like to read my stories to others until (round) parts of them decide they've had enough and leave :P
#5 · 4
·
I only read my work to people if I consider it WELL-WRITTEN.
#6 ·
·
Well. I'll be entering this one. Sigh..... why ROGER whhhhhhyyyyyyy!? So get ready for some intense reviews.
#7 ·
·
Quick someone place "tra la la" and "ding dong" as their prompts and I love them forever and ever!
#8 · 1
·
Alright, T minus twenty-one hours till writing and my ideas are already coming together. Now to see which prompt they'll be shoehorned into...
#9 · 2
·
Hmm. I may try to enter. Though My entire writing period takes place during a DnD session here everyone gets pissed at me if I so much as look at my laptop.

3am writing, ho!
#10 ·
·
>>Monokeras I’m innocent, I swear!
#11 · 3
· · >>Moosetasm
For once I know I have a dedicated chunk of writing time during the day, meaning I won't be up half the night struggling to finish something.

It! Is! On!
#12 · 1
·
>>Syeekoh Also, obligatory “GDI Syeekoh” comment.
#13 · 3
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion

I think I can manage 400-750 words...

LETS DO THIS! RAWWWW!!!!
#14 · 1
· · >>Moosetasm
>>Moosetasm
Actually, considering the prompt that's been selected, I believe the more apropos phrasing would be, "let's do it." :trollestia:
#15 · 1
·
I have a concept and an outline. I just hope it'll fit into 750 words or fewer.
#16 · 11
· · >>Trick_Question
Oh, holy cow, my prompt was selected :o

Does this count as my first gold medal? :O :O :O
#17 · 3
·
>>FrontSevens
I've been there before, and the pride is real. Unfortunately I don't think the system ever reveals who you are.
#18 · 4
·
Huh. I think the word limit actually helped my story. I cut more than two hundred words from it without ever impacting the plot.
#19 · 1
·
I’ve got a first draft done. I should be able to polish it in time.
#20 · 5
· · >>horizon >>Trick_Question
Hey, my name is kinda in this one.
#21 · 1
·
So many different ways you could do this prompt!
#22 · 3
·
I has writted a story

it is the good story

everypone will know it is me but I do not care about this thing it is good

/)^3^(\
#23 · 2
· · >>CoffeeMinion
Oh man, I've got the time, but all my ideas are for long stories. The struggle is real!
#24 · 4
· · >>Morning Sun
>>Morning Sun
Disqualified for breaching prompt anonymity! :V

As for me, I'm on vacation in Seattle, but I'm on a long bus ride right now and should be able to do something with this idea I've got.
#25 · 2
· · >>Morning Sun
>>Morning Sun
If I write a story about you (the author), does that count as a ponyfic?
#26 · 1
·
>>CoffeeMinion
Woot, panicked too soon. Story idea #1 is growing unbounded at a rapid pace, but story idea #2 has ended at a length that can probably be pared-down for submission.
#27 · 2
·
Crap crap crap. I've got like, 4 hours left to write something... And I have no real good ideas. :/

I kinda slapped together a cruddy entry for the last competition, and I'm running dry tonight... Not really a good trend, and I'd hate to miss another write off... Come on thinkin meats! Get to work! O.o
#28 · 2
·
I'm back at last! Let us see if Queen Chryssy approves of my efforts this time around.
#29 · 2
·
Second story complete.

Probably also easy to guess as one of mine, even though it's definitely not my usual submission.

I think that's it for me for this round. Good luck, everypony!
#30 · 2
·
Ugh... This story is fairly mediocre, but at least it's something. Now all I need is space for an extra fifty words or so, so I can finish it!

Once again I say... Ugh. :/
#31 · 1
·
>>CoffeeMinion
Well, more appropriately "after we did it" :trollestia:
#32 · 3
·
Huh:

Looks like I'm in the round, too. How did that even happen?

Mike, Confused as Usual
#33 · 2
· · >>FrontSevens >>CoffeeMinion
Huh, what do you guys think? I saw this was up, saw the prompt, thought No way can I write about any of the typical stuff--so I guess I'm out this round.... and wondered if I could think of anything else, immediately came up with something, and for once opened a doc and started typing without overthinking it. Now I have...just over 300 words. The question is, should I finish and submit it? There's not much time left, it's already late in my time zone, and honestly, I'm not sure the story is any good at all. I kinda like it, but that's because it's straight from my brain. I dunno if it's worth submitting when I'm pretty sure I'll only get neutral-to-negative comments on it.
#34 · 4
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>Kitcat36
>>Kitcat36
If you've got the time, I say go for it. Neutral-to-negative feedback is still feedback, and you'll have that much more writing experience under your belt. :>
#35 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>Trick_Question
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
I am a regular human with fingers! So it would be a humanfic, yesyes, yes. Definitely. Totally not a horse
#36 · 3
· · >>Trick_Question
Huzzah! A submission is me!

>>Kitcat36
>>FrontSevens
Yes, absolutely, go for it!

>>Morning Sun
But wait, what it it was EqD instead of Human? :trollestia:
#37 · 4
·
Cards on the table, I don't really like my entry, but I've been fighting with unproductivity for a long time now, and I'll be damned if I skip out on another Writeoff. You guys are just going to have to deal with a less-than-absolutely-perfect story. :P
#38 · 1
·
>>FrontSevens
That is a good point. I'll try it. I hope I get useful feedback. I can see this getting just frustrated comments at poor writing or something...that's my fear. I'm particularly nervous because I think I'm just going to get something like, "That's a tricky writing technique and it wasn't well executed" or "...and it didn't work [for this story]". That...would suck.
#39 · 5
·
The theme of my minific changed midway through the writing process, but I feel that this still needs to be said.

Happy International Survivors of Suicide (SOS) Day. I personally have been positively influenced by a friend and by MLP itself to not act negatively while under the influence my depression. If you are struggling, get help. You are not alone. Don't do something in your depression that you would never even think of doing in your rationally thinking mind.
#40 · 4
·
Minific in! Last time I entered one of these, the Writeoff discussion was still on Fimfic - so, well, apologies in advance.
#41 · 10
·
Me in High School: 400 words? How will I ever get that much written?
Me in College : 400 words? That'll take all weekend.
Me now: 750 words for a cap? How will I get 4,000 words trimmed down that far?

I'm not sure if quality has gone up, but quantity certainly has as I've aged.
#42 · 3
· · >>Posh
OK, I entered. I'm still shocked by that, btw. I hope it isn't too badly hated, and that it isn't too tortuous to read ><
#43 · 5
· · >>Kitcat36
>>Kitcat36 Objects in mirror are better than they appear.
#44 · 1
· · >>Rao
I really wish I'd had time to start this before 2 hours ago. I'm hyper distracted and sleepy. But I'm gonna get something in. Provided I stop doing thing like posting here to buy a minute while I try and figure out my next paragraph.
#45 · 2
·
>>AndrewRogue
I'm in much the same boat. My sleep schedule is wacked so I crashed right before the prompt released, wasted 12 hours in bed, then got pulled into the free Overwatch weekend with some friends. Now I'm down to ~3 hours to go from blank page to masterpiece passable work. Same thing (i-sh) happened last time, too, so we'll see how it goes.

Game on.
#46 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion
I was not aware that Equestria Daily was a genre of ponific. :trollestia:

>>Morning Sun
But I thought you had plastic surgery to give you a tasty ponut! That has to horse for something. :raritywink:
#47 · 13
· · >>AndrewRogue >>Trick_Question >>Winston
Excellent. My post-coital Sweetie Belle/Stephen Magnet shipfic, titled "Fuckin' Magnet, How Does It Work?!" is completed and submitted. I'll try not to flaunt my shiny gold medal to y'all.
#48 · 12
·
>>Posh
And now I have to delete what I was working on and start over.

Thanks.
#49 · 4
·
Got at least one entry in for this one. Taking people's advice and continuing to publish. Let us see how it will fare.
#50 · 2
·
>>Posh
I'm going to masturbate to this, but I'm not gonna be happy about it. :ajbemused:
#51 · 1
·
For whatever reason, I thought this was from midnight to midnight GMT, which made me lose a few hours, and what I did manage to get out of me during the time was bad enough to not submit. Well, I guess I'll have to try harder next time.
#52 · 4
·
Woohoo! After missing the last... lots of writeoff events, I finally got something in for this one. I mean, I should be finishing off this final research paper that makes up most of the grade of one of my classes that I won't pass without completing it on time, but priorities, y'know? ;)

>>Posh
icantfaptothis.jpg
#53 · 1
·
Okay, I got more than one story in. I'm ready to try to give some acceptable useful criticism!

...After a bit of sleep. XD
#54 · 3
· · >>Not_Worthy2
Submitted something. Time to lean back and watch it crash and burn.

With a nice cup of tea and some cookies.
#55 · 2
·
Feels good to beat the deadline. Spent the last half hour thinking up a title. Pretty relaxing, for a change.
#56 · 3
·
>>Orbiting_kettle
Save some for me! Joins Orbiting_kettle in a duvet
#57 · 3
·
Phew, two minutes to spare but finally got something finished. Whoo, I'm back!
#58 · 3
· · >>Orbiting_kettle >>Winston
Holy cow! Got in a second one JUST under the wire. First attempt I had as an idea last night right as I went to bed (right when the prompt vote closed) but I was sleeping and then busy with other stuff most of the day, so only had 5 hours total for this contest. Spent an hour writing and two hours editing it down. That left just under two hours for a second entry. 30 minutes brainstorming, 20 minutes writing, a 20 minute break to clear my head, and 20 more minutes writing, then last minute editing and formatting.

The funny thing is I'm more proud of the entry that I only wrote in 40 minutes with no planning than the one floating and being planned in my head all day. But this is why I don't practice dentistry on talented equines. I don't care how fickle the muse is, so long as she shows up in time! Which she did... barely. So yay! Let's DO THIS!
#59 · 2
· on Filthy Rich President Elect
Man I sure do love subtle, non-anvilicious satire.
#60 ·
·
>>Xepher
That happens to me a lot too.
#61 ·
· on Three Unicorn Tail Hairs · >>georg
The dark house on the other side of the mirror looked almost normal except for the low ceilings and distinct horsey smell mixed with cedar and vanilla. To Raindolph’s pleasant surprise, the second floor bedroom did have a unicorn mare sleeping sprawled out over most of an ornate bed with her violet tail draped over the edge.


I thought that was Twilight at my first read, and got very confused by the punchline. Apparently that was supposed to be Rarity though. I suggest you describe her as white-coated rather than violet-tailed, since Twilight's tail can also be described as violet.
#62 ·
·
>>Xepher
I don't often have more than one entry in a writeoff event, but in the few I have, it's always the second one that I spend way less time writing that turns out better.
#63 · 1
· on Trembling
The nature scenes are is beautifully written, but the story doesn't really seem to go anywhere; we never learn what is Sweetie Belle sulking about, and then she abruptly changes her mind and decides to go back home, without any clear reason.

Also, even though they're implied to be adults (at least adult enough to be too old for treehouses, and adult enough to wander the wilderness on their own), Sweetie's attitude and dialogue seems really childlike.
#64 ·
· on Three Unicorn Tail Hairs · >>FanOfMostEverything >>georg
Using Twilight's tail hairs for your wand is a bad idea, y'know? =P
#65 ·
·
>>Posh
Thank you
#66 ·
·
>>Trick_Question
Oh dear. This likely means I've also failed my recent Street 101 final, as it seems I have failed to distinguish between a G and a D.

....please don't hurt me.....
#67 · 1
· on Just After Midnight · >>Orbiting_kettle >>FanOfMostEverything
I alternately loved and was baffled by the wording in this one. Overall I liked the voice of the character quite a lot, and found it a pleasure to read, but a line or two confused me. Upon a re-read everything but one line (and "mayhaps" when I'm fairly certain it should be "mayhap") makes sense. I loved the detail of the sommelier's name, and the mention of being "aided by choice bottles," which made me smile. The line that still sounds bizarre to me is this one:
It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.

If anyone figures out exactly what the author was going for there, I'd love to know! I have a vague idea.
Anyways, author, this was a very fun little piece, mostly, I think, for the interesting character voice and word choice and the well-done first person P.O.V., and for the clever lines. Nicely done.
#68 · 1
· on The New Dawn · >>Morning Sun
Oooh boy. I assume all the purple prose is intentionally so, but still, the style makes this a difficult and obnoxious read. There's no justification for it either. I thought we'd find out that it's all depicted from the viewpoint of an animal, or Nature itself, or any other entity which perceives the world in an unusual way... but nope, there's no explanation.

I actually thought the scarcity of verbs and articles was an attempt to get around the word limit, but no, you still have nearly 100 words left.

And even if we ignore the obnoxiousness of the style, some sentences and phrases don't make much sense anyway. First sentence alone:

Within the Everfree, the first rays of sun’s light spackled leaves, small shafts bouncing twixt shadow’s down through canopy to splay shadows upon the forest floor below.


This is barely comprehensible. We've got sun-rays that "speckle leaves" (I think "speckle" is meant to be a verb here, but it's unclear), then they become "small shafts bouncing twixt shadow's" (light-rays "bouncing between shadows"? Light doesn't work that way!); finally, they "splay shadows" ("splay" means "spread out" - a strange kind of light if it actually widens shadows!).

Cricketsong already slowing became silence, Timberwolf returned to den to slumber day away, and in distant Froggy Bottom Bog, mud bubbled as great hydra heads rose in hextuplet sinuous winding to gaze blearily at all four corners of Equestria.


OK, there's no articles whatsoever in this sentence. "Timberwolf" should not be capitalized, and should be in plural. And... "hextuplet sinuous winding"? This feels very pretentious, and we're barely two sentences in.
#69 · 5
· on Fears for Tears · >>Not_Worthy2 >>Moosetasm
I feel the end repetition is the weakest part here. The rest of the story captures an intense emotional journey in very few words, but those last three words… I suppose the idea was for Twilight to shout, shout, and let it all out, but instead they create a frantic feeling that disrupts the tidy conclusion and brings to mind some of the less proud moments of Twilight’s life. (“Clock. Is. Ticking!”)

Of course, Twilight’s far from healed at this point, but that last bit still throws off the whole story, especially the double exclamation points. Still, it’s an easy fix. I look forward to seeing this expanded, especially if Celestia has a response.
#70 · 1
· on A Night (Not) to Remember · >>CoffeeMinion
This...was an interesting enough concept, but Berry's complete acceptance of time travel, no questions asked (except in trying to clarify what the other pony is saying) really threw me. I hope someone else can give more useful feedback.
#71 · 2
· on Breaking the Mold · >>Moosetasm >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
Oh my.

Oh my.[/takei]

I get the feeling we’re going to be getting a lot like this one. It’s the obvious route, but this travels it in style. Still, the bit with Luna ends up being more interesting than you meant it to be. It was likely intended as a gag, but you’ve left me wanting to see how it goes the next time Luna and Twilight meet in the waking world. That’s sure to be enjoyably awkward for the onlookers.

The meat of the story was cute, but I still found myself wanting more afterwards. Not of that scene, necessarily, just further exploration of this scenario and those involved. This is going in interesting directions. A shame it had to end here.
#72 · 2
· on R.Vival · >>Garnot
This one would be better longer, with more time to explain what's going on and maybe even give some more background. I was a bit lost. There are also a couple places where a little polish is needed, the sort of thing an editor helps catch. The writing itself wasn't outstanding, but it wasn't horrible either.
#73 · 3
· on Through Obscurity · >>GroaningGreyAgony
Well, this horror piece would have been much better if the Vigenère cipher was easier to decode...

I ended up more frustrated because I (still) can't figure out the key for the Vigenère cipher.
#74 · 1
· on Don't Speak
First review. Usual disclaimer, my reviews are a mix of personal impressions, ideas how to improve the writing considering myself as the target and assorted ramblings. Feel absolutely free to ignore anything I say, or at most consider it feedback from a thin slice of your audience.

While this is an interesting interpretation, I'm having a difficult time reconciling it with what we saw on the show. Now, that could obviously be my fault.

The BB we see here is frail and immature but in a completely different way from what we usually see around. I like that. I also feel that you will need more context to sell it to us. You are working against tons of accumulated existing characterization, so we need to know more about him before we can easily accept your vision.

A vision I would gladly explore if you ever intend to expand it.

As it is now, it is interesting but causes me a bit of dissonance. Probably my fault, but I think it will be a common problem.
#75 · 3
· on A Talk With Yourself
This really suffered from being too short. A lot of things were confusing, too. She...scratched her head and flung it back onto the wall? What? Where did human-Cheerilee's coffee come from? What happened at the bar? I get that that last question isn't terribly relevant to the story, but after the mention in the very beginning about a fight at the bar, I thought it was going to be important, and expected at least a little explanation. I liked how the dialogue of the two Cheeriliees was distinctive--I could tell which one was talking by what she said easily, and they sounded quite different. That said, I do wish there was a little something giving some oomph, maybe a turn of phrase or mannerism unique to one of the characters. There is a need for a bit more editing, too. Nothing too huge, but a few things could maybe be worded a bit more smoothly. This is my perspective from the first read through, by the way. A lot seems clearer on the second go-round, but you need to really hook your readers during the first. Ahhh, I don't know, I hope other people are more helpful! I liked this concept quite a bit, though. Just needs some more polish.
#76 · 3
· on Sore Loser
Hey, I really loved how you nailed RD in this one. Very nice job. It really felt like her. I do wish you'd told us what she and AJ were doing, though. That was my only real frustration. Thanks for this nice work!
#77 · 2
· on What We Did Last Night
Parenting can't be all that hard! I mean, ours did a pretty good job


This sounds like they're siblings o_O
#78 · 4
· on The New Castle
Before I get started, I have to stop and comment on something:
"One of the scorpions said it was gonna rock me like a hurricane. I didn't know they could talk!"

Dear author, I love you.


Genre: Comedy/entitlement?

Thoughts: This had a great early comedic buildup. I mean, who isn't up for a skewering of the Crystal Castle playset every once and again?

Where things started to falter for me was when the joke about the town owing her came up again. This is probably a matter of opinion, but for me, it isn't the greatest joke. And when the ending seemed to hinge on that, rather than building toward the conclusion of a plot arc per se, I knew this wasn't going to be a top contender for me. It's hard to tell a complete story in 750 words, but that's really what I'm looking for as a reader.

I'll give it a lot of props for that buildup, though. This reads like the start of something fun.

Tier: Needs Work
#79 · 1
· · >>Orbiting_kettle >>Kitcat36
Best of luck to everyone that entered! I was really excited to enter this go around, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. I suffered some really bad injuries on the basketball court, and it left me disabled from writing last night--darn.

Though, I plan to read and write reviews. Not sure how much I can help, but I'll try.

Well wishes everyone! And happy Thanksgiving. :V
#80 · 2
· on Filthy Rich President Elect
I'm... not sure how to feel about this. I'm a curious cross between annoyed and amused. Annused?
#81 · 3
· · >>ChappedPenguinLips
>>ChappedPenguinLips
Well, good recovery and I really hope you are not too much in pain.
#82 · 2
· on Pardon My Friends · >>The_Letter_J
'twas quite entertaining through the entirety of the story, with an ending that at a glance seemed simply a horrible pun but changed completely on the second read.

I'm still a bit unsure if the last line is a wonderful multilayered joke about international politics or something for which you should be indicted. Currently, I tend to the first interpretation, which places the story very high on my slate.

Kudos author, this was completely unexpected.
#83 · 7
· on Filthy Rich President Elect
Forewarning: Sorry if I tore into it a bit... heh. I'm not always the most tactful and I extend an apology to the author if they take personal offense.


I'm going to abstaiin from this one.

I've seen this done multiple times, and this is probably the worst one I've seen. The author is obviously a liberal and complaining about the election results; that's made abundantly clear. If they're not, then they put themselves in the shoes of one to write this fic. Because it's very one-sided, which most of these fics tend to be, and it suffers because we can't laugh at both sides--or in this case, at all, but I'll get to that.

The writing is mediocre. It's not bad, let me say that first and well... not that it's really my place to judge writing quality and not that there was anything wrong with the writing but there wasn't anything right about it either. It's all telling, and for me it's telling the same story I've read thirty times which is partially why I abstained from voting on this one, because I've already read the concept many times, and I partially blame that for my distaste towards the story. Like when someone tells the same joke over and over again it gets annoying.

I don't want to spend all day writing this, so here's the biggest reason why this fic failed: it's not funny, at all. Being a huge fan of sattire it's my favorite thing in the world when it's done right. However, I don't find the humor in taking something from real life, something everyone has heard hundreds of times, and frankly most people are wanting not to hear about for a while, and slinging together a couple of lines everyone knows and calling it "writing." It's not. You copy + pasted the election summary and changed the names. It's not orginal. and It's not funny.

There's nothing special about this fic. Most of these kind of fics go out of their way to add some sort of twist that makes them unique. Some work, some don't. "The Town Hall Debate," by Flutterpriest, worked, I think. "Donald Trump Grabs Celestia's Pussy," not so much, but it tried in the description. Some other fic where Jeb beat Hillary Clinton using the darkside of the force, can't recall the name, was probably my favorite. Because it was [i]witty[i] and it was unique. This, however, felt like a bunch of references slapped into 700 words going "Look at me, look at me, we all get it! It's funny!"

I don't understand what the author was trying to accomplish here besides controversy or rustling someone's feathers, or jimmies, whichever you prefer (:p) . This is entire fic is a summary of the election from a Liberal point of view. And God, how many times have I, no, everyone heard that? It's not funny, and it's not easing anyone's mind; it's reminding them, if anything, of the results, half of America doesn't want to hear. So, if you're going to write politics, either make it try and make it funny or try for something better; it's obvious whoever wrote this is a better writer than... well, this. Just, pick your story wisely, next time. I bet you're an able writer but I don't think the best writer in the world could make the worst ideas work.

Best of luck, and have a happy turkey day!
#84 ·
· on The Perfect Evening · >>billymorph
Huh. These two again already?

The phrasing’s off at times, but the story itself is an enjoyable one. Still, this is definitely a longer story that’s been freeze-dried to fit the word limit. I’d much rather see the date itself, then cut away from the front of the hotel to Trixie recounting what happened next. That or a back-and-forth, using Trixie as an unreliable narrator for the flashback scenes and cutting back to the cafe as Starlight interjects.

There’s definite potential here, but as is, it’s underutilized. I look forward to seeing what you can do without a word limit constraining you.
#85 · 3
· on After Party · >>ChappedPenguinLips >>007Ben
Yeah… no. I can see the serial number stamped on the manufactured drama here. Pinkie’s had moments of doubt, yes, but even in “Party of One,” she was still trying to be the same pony, just to a rather surreal audience. The ease with which her friends dispel her doldrums only underscores how hollow this feels.

Also, I have no idea whatsoever to make of the third- and second-to-last lines.

I see what you were going for here, but next time, you’ll either need to better justify your choices or pick something better supported in what we know about the characters. Also, having the offenders apologize in person would’ve really helped.
#86 ·
·
>>Orbiting_kettle
Thank you; I really appreciate it :)

A pinched vertebrae and I believe I tore something in my back.

Though it's not too bad, I think.
#87 · 3
· on The Passing of Years · >>Baal Bunny
Ah. The first story I’ve seen that uses multiple mornings after. This should be interesting.

A fine tribute to two criminally underutilized characters. Shining had to get his protective streak from someone; making it his father is quite fitting. I would love to see more of this; Night Light’s reaction to Twilight moving to Ponyville should certainly be something to see. Still, even this paints a lovely image. Great work.
#88 · 2
· on Tired · >>Bachiavellian
First-person present tense? Most unexpected. Let’s see where you go with this.

Hmm. The answer seems to be “Nowhere in particular, yet.” This feels like either a prologue or an epilogue, depending on whether you want to focus on the future or the past. I’d love to read either chapter, but as is, it falls a bit flat.
#89 · 3
· on Filthy Rich President Elect
This isn't on my slate, but it seems worth jumping in here because I basically wrote the prequel to this back in March. What I learned from that experience was that *just* drawing parallels between RL and Our Little Ponies doesn't make people laugh, especially with something that has this many big feelings wrapped up in it. I think that's just a learning experience, though; I certainly can't fault the author for trying it, having done the same thing myself.

Besides, to really do the job here, you need to represent some disgruntled Never-Rich folks who backed more of a traditional-values candidate like... let's say, Mr. Cake. :-p

Also-also, don't forget that while EqG-Rich is kind of a D, prime-verse-Rich is a super nice guy who doesn't fit this role at all.
#90 ·
· on Going with the Crowd
Christ almighty.

Twist at the ending was very funny. The characters seemed a bit muddled—aside from Agate, it was just a bunch of "this pony" and "that pony." And I agree with those ponies—I can't stand the word cringe. Makes whoever's saying it sound like an eleven-year-old.
#91 · 1
· on The New Dawn · >>Morning Sun
You’re definitely trying too hard. Good fiction isn’t a matter of assembling impressive turns of phrase into some spiral stairway to linguistic heaven; it’s telling a compelling story. I suspect you were trying for a Lost Cities vibe, but it gets lost in the purple prose. Your attempt at an explanation was actually worse than no explanation at all, brushing by the facts so obliquely that you unintentionally taunt the reader. “I know what happened, but you have to guess.”

Tone down the fanciful prose and you’ll have the start of something promising. For now, remember that it’s the narrative that matters, not the words that comprise it.
#92 · 1
· on The Day After Yesterday Morning
Hrm.

I like the basic idea in this—essentially another retelling of Random of Red Chief,* but still funny enough—but there are a lot of problems. First, the prose leaves a lot to be desired... there's a tense error right in the first paragraph, for example, along with loads of punctuation/capitalization issues throughout.

Secondly, nothing Pinkie says is particularly funny. Quite like Chrysalis, I found myself stuck on Pinkie's point about the shadow—I legit had no idea what she was trying to say (the line "That is treat" threw me way off). Her humor doesn't feel like Pinkie having a conversation with a dangerous changeling queen, but like a bunch of random lines that Pinkie Pie might say in different conversations strung together. And that fourth wall break... it didn't work for me.

The fact that the point of the story just seems to be "Pinkie Pie is random" didn't help—we know Pinkie is strange. We've watched the show. What can you add to that conversation that hasn't been said before? Not to say that every single story you write has to have a super unique point, but at the least, you should try to separate your story from others of its ilk.


(*the first one being Dog and Pony Show back in S1)
#93 · 3
· on Alfred's morning · >>M1Garand8 >>Trick_Question
No title case. That’s not a good sign.

Oh my God, it’s a Conversion Bureau story. This is like watching a Compsognathus walk up my driveway; something I thought extinct just showed up completely unannounced.

In any case, this needs work on several levels, from punctuation to prose to plot. Most glaringly, it’s only a fragment of a larger story. On its own, it’s an anticlimax. This needs expansion and an editor to reach its full potential, and even then, you’re not likely to find a sympathetic audience. I still remember how the wave of vitriol crashed against this particular shore. Still, there are definite glimmers of potential; I especially like the sunbeam slug line.
#94 ·
· on Going with the Crowd
I have no idea what the point of this story was, if there was one. First Thorax is mobbed by a crowd, then they suddenly start talking about "OCs" and "self-inserts", then they randomly begin talking about someone's girlfriend and voting on the breakup... I understand this was probably meant to be a comedy with "random humor", but it just comes across as an incoherent stream of nonsense.
#95 · 2
· on Just After Midnight · >>FanOfMostEverything
Genre: And that's how Equestria was made

Thoughts: A wonderful slice of humor and origin story, marinated in enough Olde Englishee-style prose to give it an authentic historical flavor. Good tension and great characterization as well. I thought it got a little draggy towards the end, but by that point I was already satisfied with the rest of it.

Tier: Top Contender
#96 · 2
· on The Dulling Effect · >>Baal Bunny >>007Ben
Huh. Mr. Discord. I get the feeling he’s not going to be a friendly physics teacher in this particular setting…

Your setup certainly has me intrigued, but you don’t go anywhere with it. Granted, you’ve run out of words, but this still works better as a first chapter than a story in and of itself. Among other things, you never actually explain what the dulling effect is. There are also numerous proofreading issues on display.

Still, I’m definitely interested in human Discord helping the sirens. I look forward to seeing where you go with this once it has room to breathe.
#97 · 2
· on The New Castle
This doesn’t know what it wants to be. Dramatic eulogy for Golden Oaks? Humorous jab at the Castle-Tree’s ludicrous size and confusing layout? Laying the groundwork for a Tyrant Sparkle story? It can’t settle on a single tone and suffers for it. Once you pick a genre for this, I’m sure you’ll be able to make it great.
#98 · 1
· on Hair of the Sister That Bit You · >>Rao
Well, that’s certainly an attention grabbing title.

I like the premise of this one; it feels like something that could happen were the show targeted at a slightly older audience. It still needs some polish, especially the abrupt shift to present tense in the last line, but there’s definite promise here. Plus, it actually feels complete, which is always a plus.
#99 · 3
· on Day One · >>Monokeras
I have a lot of questions, especially in regards to the topology of Equestria and the orbit of its moon. Granted, this is clearly a story I shouldn’t think too hard about; that way lies lunacy. However, some sense of coherence would be nice. This feels like you made it up as you went along. That can be a fun exercise, but disorienting for a reader expecting something with some degree of internal logic. A Random tag will definitely help should this make it to Fimfiction, as will deciding what you want to do with it.
#100 · 1
· on Filthy Rich President Elect · >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
I mean, I could say 'Blah blah Writeoffs arent the place for politics' but honestly? Nope. Gonna say I like this, because it's at least mildly cathartic for me, as is near anything calling the existing election process bollocks, which it is.

#PrincessesForPresident and #UpWithTheTetrarchy, thank you very much