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A somewhat shy person who loves to read and is interested in trying to write.
The Morning After
FiM Minific
Post Metamorphosis
Best Laid Plans
FiM Minific
Waiting on a Hatching
Here at the End of all Things.
FiM Short Story
Chrysalis' Kingdom: All Falls Down
#15724 · 7
· on Chrysalis' Kingdom: All Falls Down · >>Winston
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Miller Minus

Hey everyone, thank you very much for your reviews and comments, and taking the time to read this! I knew it wasn't going to do very well, but I guess I wrote it anyways because of wonderful encouragement in the discussion thread (see page 2, for example) and because it was kinda fun for me to jump inside a character like Chrysalis' head. She's totally different from me, so being in her head was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, I didn't really come up with anywhere new to take the story, as you all noticed. I anticipated that comment. v_v I'm basically a discovery writer, with some minor planning and outlining, but usually once I find somewhere to start something starts to take shape. If it isn't obvious from where I started, I wanted to really look at how Chrysalis was losing everything she valued in the specific episodes. I also think she had a moment she really considered taking Starlight's hoof. I'm a tremendous reader so I know how words should go, generally, but getting the story right? Still way beyond me ^^'

I also finished this in the middle of the night, and I'm NOT a night owl, so the ending got away from me a bit. I hope it wasn't mind-numbingly boring, having it basically be a summary of events. I really appreciate you guys reading it.

I...was aware of the lack of new. I just liked writing it, I guess. I wanted to make her more nuanced--particularly where she was suffering debilitating hunger in order to provide her drones with what they needed to carry out the attack, and barely resisted Starlight's attempt, and indignation at a pony thinking to understand...and just utter, utter shock at what happened and probably denial too. Thanks for your feedback; the way you worded it (even though I flinched at the "Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written" section) helped me to realize that morally ambiguous or a nuance about her is where I need to focus. I dunno that she's terribly morally ambiguous, but I am seeing what you're getting at.

You're right; her arc in the series pretty clearly denotes the aspects I presented and I didn't get into the ones I found more interesting. I honestly wanted to do something more with her mind trying to cope with everything crumbling around her, but it was the end, I was tired...

And mostly, I wanted to give you a giant hug. It's been so hard to wait to tell you that! *glomps* Thank you so much for the kind words about my writing!

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Thanks for your feedback. I was worried about the episode retelling in particular, and (especially as I was tired when I wrote it) I ended up kind of rushing through what happened without putting emphasis on some things I'd hoped to. I mean, we can all see she gets mad at Starlight trying to lecture her, but I felt like she must be hiding real indignation and belief that it literally wasn't possible for a pony to understand changelings and how dare she? but that's probably pretty clear already, so again, I run into the problem of nothing new. I appreciate your comments about what could make the story better--seeing in a new light, or from a new angle, or adding a layer of emotion. I'm thinking about how to do that. Though I'm not 100% sure I can make a decent story out of this anyways.

I was really glad to see your review of my attempt! Thank you so, so much for your positive comments about my prose (and Chrysalis' perspective). The intimacy was really something I wanted--I wanted to be IN her head, not just watching--but I know I missed on a lot of other points. Thanks for the reminder about having a clear "hook"--I always imagine a literal hook, sinking into the reader, reeling them in and keeping them there, and I need to put one in this story. I'll put more thought into what I want people to take away, too. Even if I don't do much of anything with this attempt, I will use it in the future.

>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time to comment. My attempt to use the prompt......well, I wanted it to feel to Chrysalis like it was The End of All Things; that's how I saw it. I clearly didn't communicate it well.

I was also really happy to see your review, Trick. I appreciate you branching out from the issues the other reviewers had mentioned. I didn't even realize I was bouncing back and forth between two styles, the narrated and the episodic, or that that could be confusing. That's something I know more about how to work on than plot...

I really want the reader to feel like they're inside Chrysalis' head for this story. I get what you're saying about showing vs. telling, but I think I'd go with describing Chrysalis' sensations vs what someone looking at her would see, because I don't want to back out of her head far enough to look AT her. I want to look THROUGH her eyes, if that makes sense. I appreciate your critique, though. I can definitely keep working on it.

As a side note, am I the only one who has their thoughts basically go white when they're absolutely furious? Most people, most stories, describe "seeing red," but I always feel like pure emotional energy is blinding me, or something more like that, and it's burning white-hot, like staring at a star/sun... I don't actually see "red" as such. I was afraid of losing the reader if I talked about seeing white, though. I guess that would have been the time for more showing, hmm? For me, when I get truly furious to the point where I snap, coherent thought falls away, and most sensations do too, but for the heat of rage and the blinding white fury. I can't see clearly, sometimes at all for the most intense moments, and all I can do is cling to what control I've got and stand there and shake, or to lash out violently at something, basically feeling helpless to stop.

If that sounds like an insane person talking, I'll stop; does it help explain if I mention I have a younger brother with an absolute talent for getting under my skin? It doesn't help that I apparently don't look seriously angry when I am, and I'm short and not super athletic (bit chubby...) so few people see me as a threat and being brushed off doesn't help... Oh my gosh, SHUTTING UP NOW.

Nope, not me, but maybe this means I should read that story to see how my attempt came off to other people, if it seems that similar.

Ah, it took me forever to find that comment! I just happened to glance it in passing in the thread... At any rate, I intend to look at that story and see what it did. Maybe that will help me figure out how to do what I want a little better.

Wait, aren't those two comments referring to the same story? *headache intensifies* OK, maybe I just need to read that fic and see what I make of it, first... Shoot. Less helpful than I may have thought, getting such different reactions.

And once more, I'd like to thank the people who encouraged me enough so that I actually wrote this, entered it, and left it submitted.
Thank you:
Posh (>>Posh, your review post though you didn't know at the time)
Seriously, thank you. ALL THE HUGS.
CoffeeMinion (>>CoffeeMinion, >>CoffeeMinion)
TrumpetofDoom (>>TrumpetofDoom)
moonwhisper (>>moonwhisper)
Bachiavellian (>>Bachiavellian, >>Bachiavellian)
Pascoite (>>Pascoite)
Ranmilia (>>Ranmilia)
Monokeras (>>Monokeras, >>Monokeras)
Trick_Question (>>Trick_Question)
I almost cried when I read that, especially the last line. Thank you.
(Sorry if I came off insulting or rude in later comments)

Also Horizon, indirectly (>>horizon, >>horizon)

I can't thank you all enough, those who reviewed and critiqued my story, and those who helped me stay strong enough to write the story, submit it, and leave it up. Thank you, thank you.
#7100 · 6
OK, um, I didn't post anything earlier, because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to, but I saw other people post something similar, so I'm going ahead with it. I actually got on this morning, read the newest comments on my story, started mentally organizing a retrospective and thanks to the reviewers, and then it occurred to me that I ought to check, just to confirm, that my story hadn't made it into the finals. I completely froze when I realized it was in the list of finalists, and had to double check a bunch of different things to make sure I was interpreting the gallery list correctly. I'm beyond thrilled that people liked my story that much, but I was really, really surprised. From the reviews (which generally had good points and have given me some really exciting [to me] ideas on how to lengthen and improve the little minific) I didn't expect...... At any rate, thank you, everypony! I'm honored. I may not read many fics this write-off because I'm completely drowning in homework and I took a couple days to relax and do nothing much in honor of Thanksgiving, but I swear, I'm going to get to all of them at some point. I've seen so much in this thread that, even just skimming anything linked to the majority of fics I haven't read, I couldn't help but get excited! Thank you, and good luck to everypony remaining!
#3796 · 4
It's not important to keep your prompt anonymous, though, I'm pretty sure... We'll see if I actually enter this. Chances....meh, we'll see. It's so much fun just to come in and read all the posts, nevermind the actual entries! The Writeoff crowd is cool beans.
#6870 · 4
· on The Power of the Sun · >>Rao
How can you not have watched the finale yet??!? It's seriously epic. I was feeling really iffy about it from the description I found on EqD, but when I watched it... Ohhhh so many awesome moments. Plus MASSIVE headcanon/fanon destruction. But a real pleasure to watch. Definite check it out ASAP!
#10009 · 4
Hey, Trick, don't give up! See if you can find a pic in the gallery that gives you a story idea, or maybe even fits with one of yours, and just go for it. We all love ya here.
#15245 · 4
So, slowly, slowly, slowly making progress. Being sick with mono is resulting in me sleeping a lot. Also pretty sure people will find my "story" boring. It's not quite at 1000 words, so I'd better work if I'm going to try to submit it, and not just chuck it.
#15400 · 4
· · >>Trick_Question
Thanks. I really appreciate the support. It's helping to see such kind and positive messages.
The heads up is much, much appreciated. It's kind of a relief knowing it's an option, even if I do leave it up.
Thank you, Trick Question. The support from you is very much appreciated. I'm...a little bit scared of you, I think, so it means a whole lot. Don't ask me to explain why, though, because I'm not sure I can.

Thank you to all of you for caring so much. I can't tell you how touched I am. I'll leave the story up. Hopefully I WILL improve as a writer after this. Thank you.
#6464 · 3
· · >>Posh
OK, I entered. I'm still shocked by that, btw. I hope it isn't too badly hated, and that it isn't too tortuous to read ><
#6497 · 3
· on A Talk With Yourself
This really suffered from being too short. A lot of things were confusing, too. She...scratched her head and flung it back onto the wall? What? Where did human-Cheerilee's coffee come from? What happened at the bar? I get that that last question isn't terribly relevant to the story, but after the mention in the very beginning about a fight at the bar, I thought it was going to be important, and expected at least a little explanation. I liked how the dialogue of the two Cheeriliees was distinctive--I could tell which one was talking by what she said easily, and they sounded quite different. That said, I do wish there was a little something giving some oomph, maybe a turn of phrase or mannerism unique to one of the characters. There is a need for a bit more editing, too. Nothing too huge, but a few things could maybe be worded a bit more smoothly. This is my perspective from the first read through, by the way. A lot seems clearer on the second go-round, but you need to really hook your readers during the first. Ahhh, I don't know, I hope other people are more helpful! I liked this concept quite a bit, though. Just needs some more polish.
#6498 · 3
· on Sore Loser
Hey, I really loved how you nailed RD in this one. Very nice job. It really felt like her. I do wish you'd told us what she and AJ were doing, though. That was my only real frustration. Thanks for this nice work!