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Chrysalis' Kingdom: All Falls Down
How did it come to this?
Chrysalis looked at the hoof stretched toward her, the owner willing her to reach out and take it, accept the changes and change herself. Others were watching her, many others, but her focus narrowed to that one, pinkish hoof before her.
How did it come to this?!
Hunger pains ravaged her body. She was always hungry, but it was worse now than it had been in so many years she’d lost count. Infiltrating the ponies and gathering love from them had always been so easy, before—ponies were brimming with love, ripe for the harvesting, and they were such a trusting species. It had been larva’s play to take it, then. No matter what, though, it was never enough, not enough to do more than sate the hunger briefly, keep it in check. To actually fill the belly...that would take so much love no changeling could truly imagine it.
But Chrysalis had tried to imagine it, and then had hatched her first plan. She’d replace a pony princess, and personally—no room for mistakes, with the stakes so high—and she’d replace the young one, the one with a besotted fiancé leading the Royal Guards and a wedding coming up. She’d sneak in during the chaos of organizing a royal wedding, feed off the stallion’s rich, powerful love for the princess, and she could gradually take control of his mind and thus of the Royal Guard. That was like draining multiple ponies in one gulp. She’d been so, so close; she’d even called in the whole swarm of her warriors (most already on standby in case something went wrong) when it seemed as though she’d succeeded beyond her hopes and would be able to take complete control, without a disguise. Her hive could rip as much love as they wanted from any pony they found without abandon; that should sate them all.
She writhed, secure in her chambers, both from the aching hunger inside of her and from the shame of the memory. Somehow, one pony had seen through her deceptions and managed to completely upend the situation in a way that should have been impossible. She’d literally cradled victory in her hooves and sampled its delicious taste when it was ripped away, and she and all her warriors were slammed by the most powerful mix of love and magic she’d ever felt at once, too intense to ingest, the bitterest of irony. Sent flying far, far away by what they wanted most, unable to sneak even the smallest sip.
It had been a lean time, then. Ponies were aware of changelings, knew what they were, knew to watch out for them. Harvesting changelings had had to be more careful than ever before, and that reduced the amount of love they could bring back. Tiny sips and nibbles, carefully squirreled away and sent back to the hive...which then had to be spread amongst so many.
Chrysalis scowled. She never should have felt the maw of starvation sapping her strength, not like this, but even as queen there had been far too little love. She’d sat on her throne, hungrily watching, getting reports as frequently as she dared from her spies, waiting for an opportunity. She’d have moved on nearly any opening at that point, no matter how small, because any more love would be better than the little they had. Even the return of the ancient Crystal Empire had failed to lessen the burden, for immediately upon its return it was a pitiful, loveless little place--and after the Princess of Love had taken up residence, protected by a shield virtually impenetrable to those who wished the Empire ill. She’d set some of her cleverest drones working on it, because based on the reports that filtered back to her the Empire’s ancient relic could potentially be a rich food source, one day, but their efforts had yet to yield results.
And then, her spies had brought her truly significant news.
Even now, even in her pain, she nearly howled her fury. While her changelings had been creeping around with the utmost caution, barely harvesting enough love to keep their hivemates alive, that traitor, that deserter, that lowly drone Thorax--she hissed involuntarily at the mere thought of his name--he had managed to ingratiate himself into the Crystal Empire, calling himself a friend of ponies, feeding freely off them, the mewling little worm--
She had a hard time thinking, then, all her thoughts washed in red or a burning white, too absorbed in her wrath to think clearly, to think in words. She gradually fought her way back into control. Giving in to emotions was weak, and that was one quality that would never be ascribed to her. Rage, wielded properly, was a powerful tool, and she intended it to be another in her arsenal.
With a final shudder, she pulled herself together. Even if the traitor had abandoned his kind and lived richly among the ponies, never sending a drop of love back--she firmly reined in her anger, this time; it would not rule her--the information had still told her something important. If ponies could bring themselves to allow his behavior, then attitudes towards changelings had to be changing, or at the least would change soon. She had spies monitoring the borders of the Empire, as close as they could manage, as well as reading mail and observing ponies that came and went. At first, the ponies kept a close watch on the worm, but they gradually relaxed and even began treating him like he was practically one of them. Oh, not many truly claimed him as a friend, but enough felt relatively at ease around him.
Even if Thorax had intended to spite his hive, that foul wretch had convinced ponies to relax their guard.
She didn’t intend to let such a glorious opportunity escape.
And so she schemed. A plan so audacious, even she’d been nervous, but of course she’d never shown anything but confidence to her underlings. This time, she wouldn’t leave anyone to stop her when she struck. The ponies had grown complacent again, and the time was right.
The hunger in her gut gnawed at her, drawing her out of her thoughts. As the queen, the leader, the thinker of the hive, she always fed first, but with this plan in mind, she needed her changelings to be strong enough to carry out their parts. She’d need to coordinate it all; others would have to take the disguises. And so she’d parceled out love to the chosen, so much so that they were strong and thriving. The only way to arrange that much love for that many without deaths among her other subjects had been to offer up as much as she dared of her own personal supply.
And thus she lay here, in her chambers, turning the plan over and over in her mind, waiting for news, hoping for results, struggling against the overwhelming tide of hunger that urged her to rip the love out of any changeling who came near, just to satisfy, however temporarily, the burning need throbbing through her. If she could just hold out a little longer…
Her changelings sent to Ponyville should be the first to succeed; the town was large enough for plenty of random strangers but too small for much of a police force, and the new princess didn’t have a guard. The fact that that same pony, as a mere unicorn, had overturned her plans also played into it. If any mistakes gave the other targets time to send for help, it wouldn’t be there.
The changelings she’d set to studying the Empire’s barrier had found a workaround. With the traitor free to come and go there, they’d tracked him and found a way. She didn’t care about the details, as long as their technique worked. Hours after the Ponyville victims were taken, the Princess of Love, her husband, and her daughter would fall.
Finally, last, the biggest and most hazardous prizes: Princesses Celestia and Luna. They each had a devoted guard and a tremendous public presence. At least that gave her changelings an excellent idea of how they’d act in any given situation. Still, to quietly take them, to overwhelm them and imprison them before they could fight back--it was the riskiest part of the plan.
But first, the ponies from Ponyville. Any minute now, her forces would be moving into position as the ponies retired for the night; any moment now, love might begin flowing from her infiltrators. Any moment now…
Chrysalis slipped from her uneasy doze to full alertness at the knock on her door. She paused, sitting up, making herself look presentable, bracing herself to hold back and hide the ravaging hunger. At a word from her the door opened, revealing one of the changelings she’d assigned as support to the Ponyville replacements.
He dropped immediately into a bow, mouthparts almost scraping the floor; she resisted the temptation to drain his love merely for taking longer than she’d have liked to report. That was the hunger talking, and she was stronger than it. And then he lifted his face, just high enough to face her, and she had her answer. Success.
And then she felt the first trickles of love carried towards her, trickles that would become a flood when the ponies of that silly town awakened and saw their “Princess” and her “friends,” and a triumphant smile nearly split her face.
Before the soldier even spoke, she’d lifted a hoof for silence, gestured for him to leave.
She’d hear his report in full, of course, and soon, but for now she was going to gorge on that incoming love until the ravenous void inside her was satisfied, at least as much as it ever was.
Chrysalis sat on her throne, restored, and looked up at the ceiling of the chamber. So far, ten cocoons hung and pulsed with their eerie glow. Her soldiers would be making their move on Luna and Celestia soon, and not long after that she expected her changelings in Ponyville to report in with their communication device. For now she had plans to make but was finding the satisfaction she felt whenever she looked upon her captives to be quite distracting.
With a proud snort, she yanked her gaze away. No feelings ruled her. To business. The love coming in was already enough to refresh the entire hive, and Chrysalis wasn’t about to let her subjects slack. Now that they weren’t near-crippled by hunger, they were all hard at work, guarding the hive, patrolling, keeping watch in the tiny, miniscule chance that something went wrong. No changeling would ever question her leadership, not even in their most private thoughts, after all this. The hive would truly be great, and from its proper place in the shadows.
When a knock at the door preceded teams of changelings bearing the last two princesses, already encased in their cocoons and helpless, she couldn’t keep the predatory grin from her face.
Chrysalis stormed around the throne room, infuriated. How could the reports of a pony in the hive be true? She’d replaced all the potential threats! They were hanging right above her! She risked a glance up just to be sure they were all still there. What was going on? Her pacing carried her past her throne again, and she slowed. She had orders to give, and they were best given from her majestic, powerful and intimidating throne.
Once settled, she cleared her throat and called for her commanders.
Her troops had been hard at work. The invaders had been determined, but one by one they’d been captured. She didn’t bother to hold back a laugh. They’d thought they could stop her, a mere group of four! She crawled among the pods, admiring her newest captures, the draconequus Discord and a unicorn pony who’d been among the “rescuers.” Discord’s presence had given her pause, but it seemed the throne’s magic had absorbed all of his just as well as it did any pony’s. She scuttled deeper into the mass of cocoons as she heard a lone set of hoofsteps approach. Was one of them foolish enough to enter…? One was indeed! Starlight Glimmer, the student of the Princess of Friendship, walked cautiously into the throne room. Chrysalis decided to reveal herself in a way the mare would find as unsettling as possible.
She crawled forth, deliberately twisting her body in ways a pony’s body couldn’t, and called her chamber guards from the side passages they hid in, the pony quickly secured. Chrysalis began to taunt her captive--and then as she glanced away in scorn, she caught the way the light played across the “pony’s” eyes. A changeling in disguise! This had to be the traitor, the one she’d been hoping to get into her grasp ever since she’d learned his betrayal went so far as to lead outsiders into the hive. A quick spell revealed the truth, and as she spat his name, the changelings filling the chamber hissed and snarled their disgust. They’d be remembering he’d been feeding freely when they’d been on the edge of starvation. Good.
A chinking sound behind her caught her attention; the real Starlight Glimmer sat at the base of the pillar that supported the throne, desperately trying to chip it loose. Chrysalis fought down another surge of anger at another secret Thorax had clearly revealed, but had to hold in a burst of laughter as she realized the hopelessness of the attempt. She left Thorax where her army had slimed him to the floor and approached where the magicless mare pointlessly tried to hide.
It only took a couple of taunts--and they were true, too--to get the pony to break her silence and speak. Apparently the mare couldn’t get her head around why a changeling ever did anything--for food. Sharing a little of her plan wouldn’t hurt a thing when this pony would never leave, and it could lure her into talking more and revealing herself completely. A reminder of just what this victory meant even set her army to laughing and cheering, in a way a pony would find absolutely menacing. Chrysalis laughed in delighted glee.
Starlight Glimmer spoke up again, then. This time Chrysalis pinpointed her location and struck, even as her anger rose at a pony presuming to understand how changelings worked, how they fed, how they needed to steal love for food. How dare she! How dare Starlight claim to understand changelings, to understand Chrysalis herself, better than she, the queen, did! Even more infuriating, her subjects were beginning to listen. This pony claimed they need not feel hunger’s bite at all times, and her changelings were doubtfully looking amongst themselves. What delusions this pony had!
And then, oh, and then the pony began lecturing Chrysalis on how to be a leader, trying to change her, to convince her that a mere pony understood her and could be compared to her. Oh, Chrysalis was going to make this mare pay, but for now, she would let the helpless thing watch as her “friend” was drained of all his love. Collapsing into a husk, starved to the brink of death and slowly dying; that was a fitting end for such a traitor, and a worthwhile demonstration of what happened to those that opposed her. She lifted him in her magic and began to feed. Oh how good it felt to feed directly after subjecting herself to such torment to supply her troops! Even now the traitor moaned about how he couldn’t hold onto his love against her pull, the little worm.
Then the pony did something unexpected, and the traitor more unexpected still. Despite the changelings restraining her, she called for Thorax to give Chrysalis all of his love. Did the pony have no understanding of changelings at all? But then the traitor listened. For a brief moment, triumph began to fill her, but then everything went wrong.
The love she’d been siphoning from Thorax turned from a steady stream into a raging torrent, bursting forth with incredible power, sending Chrysalis flying back into her throne. Floundering with shock, dumbfounded, she watched as the power he’d released kept him suspended in midair and wrapped around him, forming a glowing cocoon--no, it was a chrysalis, her namesake. Moments later he emerged, completely changed--as colorful as a pony, maybe moreso, with the stature of a leader; most mind boggling, though, was that he had no holes in his body or limbs. Those holes were a symbol of the bottomless pit of hunger in a changeling that could not be filled. That they were gone, that they had been filled… Before she could fully grasp the truth of what she was seeing, her subjects began copying him. Releasing all their love should kill them, not trigger transformations! The power from each changeling who followed suit blasted the chamber, rattling it apart. As chunks of her throne collapsed onto her, it felt like she was being pummeled by her plan, her hopes and dreams, her world, falling into pieces and raining down on her. Though the chamber was lit by blinding bursts of light, Chrysalis’ sight went dark.
Chrysalis was only unconscious for moments, but it was enough. She burst from the rubble of her throne, hissing furiously, horn lit, to find all of her captives, the most powerful ponies (and draconequus) in Equestria, standing in the destroyed throne room, horns glowing with magic no longer restrained by the shattered throne, facing her. Thorax stood with the princesses, and even her own changelings, now almost unrecognizable, stood against her.
Her legs gave out beneath her in that moment, and Starlight Glimmer approached. Above the roaring wind, that pony offered Chrysalis her queendom back, if only she’d change too, and take the hoof Starlight extended.
Somehow, she couldn’t quite believe how, it had come to this, to this hoof outstretched towards her. Chrysalis trembled, the foundations of her beliefs and her world shaken, and began to reach for that hoof that promised to be a lifeline.
Then, with a mental curse for her momentary weakness, she slapped the hoof away, screamed threats of revenge, and dove from the edge of the decimated room. As she flew across the desert, low and fast, she kept all her senses focused behind her, waiting for the gathered powers to attack--but they merely stood and watched.
As Chrysalis got far enough away to feel escape and safety were true possibilities, she glanced back. Everything was completely different. She couldn’t fathom what had happened to her changelings. As her thoughts floundered, desperate for an idea to latch on to, revenge again crossed her mind, and her turmoil calmed. Even if she was alone now--no, no; no changeling was ever, SHOULD ever, be alone--she wouldn’t give in to weakness. Her changelings would come crawling back to her when they found their new forms weren’t as wonderful as they thought, and in the meantime, she’d be ready. All she needed was...was a magical device or maybe a relic, to gather love for her, an endless supply drained from a population--unsuspecting would be convenient, but at the moment, she’d much rather them be aware of their suffering--and she’d be free to attack again, and this time kill all who opposed her. She swore to herself that Equestria would one day be under her hoof, no matter how long it took, and fled into the uncharted wilderness.
One day, she’d be back.
And she’d do everything in her power to ensure it was one day soon.
Chrysalis looked at the hoof stretched toward her, the owner willing her to reach out and take it, accept the changes and change herself. Others were watching her, many others, but her focus narrowed to that one, pinkish hoof before her.
How did it come to this?!
Hunger pains ravaged her body. She was always hungry, but it was worse now than it had been in so many years she’d lost count. Infiltrating the ponies and gathering love from them had always been so easy, before—ponies were brimming with love, ripe for the harvesting, and they were such a trusting species. It had been larva’s play to take it, then. No matter what, though, it was never enough, not enough to do more than sate the hunger briefly, keep it in check. To actually fill the belly...that would take so much love no changeling could truly imagine it.
But Chrysalis had tried to imagine it, and then had hatched her first plan. She’d replace a pony princess, and personally—no room for mistakes, with the stakes so high—and she’d replace the young one, the one with a besotted fiancé leading the Royal Guards and a wedding coming up. She’d sneak in during the chaos of organizing a royal wedding, feed off the stallion’s rich, powerful love for the princess, and she could gradually take control of his mind and thus of the Royal Guard. That was like draining multiple ponies in one gulp. She’d been so, so close; she’d even called in the whole swarm of her warriors (most already on standby in case something went wrong) when it seemed as though she’d succeeded beyond her hopes and would be able to take complete control, without a disguise. Her hive could rip as much love as they wanted from any pony they found without abandon; that should sate them all.
She writhed, secure in her chambers, both from the aching hunger inside of her and from the shame of the memory. Somehow, one pony had seen through her deceptions and managed to completely upend the situation in a way that should have been impossible. She’d literally cradled victory in her hooves and sampled its delicious taste when it was ripped away, and she and all her warriors were slammed by the most powerful mix of love and magic she’d ever felt at once, too intense to ingest, the bitterest of irony. Sent flying far, far away by what they wanted most, unable to sneak even the smallest sip.
It had been a lean time, then. Ponies were aware of changelings, knew what they were, knew to watch out for them. Harvesting changelings had had to be more careful than ever before, and that reduced the amount of love they could bring back. Tiny sips and nibbles, carefully squirreled away and sent back to the hive...which then had to be spread amongst so many.
Chrysalis scowled. She never should have felt the maw of starvation sapping her strength, not like this, but even as queen there had been far too little love. She’d sat on her throne, hungrily watching, getting reports as frequently as she dared from her spies, waiting for an opportunity. She’d have moved on nearly any opening at that point, no matter how small, because any more love would be better than the little they had. Even the return of the ancient Crystal Empire had failed to lessen the burden, for immediately upon its return it was a pitiful, loveless little place--and after the Princess of Love had taken up residence, protected by a shield virtually impenetrable to those who wished the Empire ill. She’d set some of her cleverest drones working on it, because based on the reports that filtered back to her the Empire’s ancient relic could potentially be a rich food source, one day, but their efforts had yet to yield results.
And then, her spies had brought her truly significant news.
Even now, even in her pain, she nearly howled her fury. While her changelings had been creeping around with the utmost caution, barely harvesting enough love to keep their hivemates alive, that traitor, that deserter, that lowly drone Thorax--she hissed involuntarily at the mere thought of his name--he had managed to ingratiate himself into the Crystal Empire, calling himself a friend of ponies, feeding freely off them, the mewling little worm--
She had a hard time thinking, then, all her thoughts washed in red or a burning white, too absorbed in her wrath to think clearly, to think in words. She gradually fought her way back into control. Giving in to emotions was weak, and that was one quality that would never be ascribed to her. Rage, wielded properly, was a powerful tool, and she intended it to be another in her arsenal.
With a final shudder, she pulled herself together. Even if the traitor had abandoned his kind and lived richly among the ponies, never sending a drop of love back--she firmly reined in her anger, this time; it would not rule her--the information had still told her something important. If ponies could bring themselves to allow his behavior, then attitudes towards changelings had to be changing, or at the least would change soon. She had spies monitoring the borders of the Empire, as close as they could manage, as well as reading mail and observing ponies that came and went. At first, the ponies kept a close watch on the worm, but they gradually relaxed and even began treating him like he was practically one of them. Oh, not many truly claimed him as a friend, but enough felt relatively at ease around him.
Even if Thorax had intended to spite his hive, that foul wretch had convinced ponies to relax their guard.
She didn’t intend to let such a glorious opportunity escape.
And so she schemed. A plan so audacious, even she’d been nervous, but of course she’d never shown anything but confidence to her underlings. This time, she wouldn’t leave anyone to stop her when she struck. The ponies had grown complacent again, and the time was right.
The hunger in her gut gnawed at her, drawing her out of her thoughts. As the queen, the leader, the thinker of the hive, she always fed first, but with this plan in mind, she needed her changelings to be strong enough to carry out their parts. She’d need to coordinate it all; others would have to take the disguises. And so she’d parceled out love to the chosen, so much so that they were strong and thriving. The only way to arrange that much love for that many without deaths among her other subjects had been to offer up as much as she dared of her own personal supply.
And thus she lay here, in her chambers, turning the plan over and over in her mind, waiting for news, hoping for results, struggling against the overwhelming tide of hunger that urged her to rip the love out of any changeling who came near, just to satisfy, however temporarily, the burning need throbbing through her. If she could just hold out a little longer…
Her changelings sent to Ponyville should be the first to succeed; the town was large enough for plenty of random strangers but too small for much of a police force, and the new princess didn’t have a guard. The fact that that same pony, as a mere unicorn, had overturned her plans also played into it. If any mistakes gave the other targets time to send for help, it wouldn’t be there.
The changelings she’d set to studying the Empire’s barrier had found a workaround. With the traitor free to come and go there, they’d tracked him and found a way. She didn’t care about the details, as long as their technique worked. Hours after the Ponyville victims were taken, the Princess of Love, her husband, and her daughter would fall.
Finally, last, the biggest and most hazardous prizes: Princesses Celestia and Luna. They each had a devoted guard and a tremendous public presence. At least that gave her changelings an excellent idea of how they’d act in any given situation. Still, to quietly take them, to overwhelm them and imprison them before they could fight back--it was the riskiest part of the plan.
But first, the ponies from Ponyville. Any minute now, her forces would be moving into position as the ponies retired for the night; any moment now, love might begin flowing from her infiltrators. Any moment now…
Chrysalis slipped from her uneasy doze to full alertness at the knock on her door. She paused, sitting up, making herself look presentable, bracing herself to hold back and hide the ravaging hunger. At a word from her the door opened, revealing one of the changelings she’d assigned as support to the Ponyville replacements.
He dropped immediately into a bow, mouthparts almost scraping the floor; she resisted the temptation to drain his love merely for taking longer than she’d have liked to report. That was the hunger talking, and she was stronger than it. And then he lifted his face, just high enough to face her, and she had her answer. Success.
And then she felt the first trickles of love carried towards her, trickles that would become a flood when the ponies of that silly town awakened and saw their “Princess” and her “friends,” and a triumphant smile nearly split her face.
Before the soldier even spoke, she’d lifted a hoof for silence, gestured for him to leave.
She’d hear his report in full, of course, and soon, but for now she was going to gorge on that incoming love until the ravenous void inside her was satisfied, at least as much as it ever was.
Chrysalis sat on her throne, restored, and looked up at the ceiling of the chamber. So far, ten cocoons hung and pulsed with their eerie glow. Her soldiers would be making their move on Luna and Celestia soon, and not long after that she expected her changelings in Ponyville to report in with their communication device. For now she had plans to make but was finding the satisfaction she felt whenever she looked upon her captives to be quite distracting.
With a proud snort, she yanked her gaze away. No feelings ruled her. To business. The love coming in was already enough to refresh the entire hive, and Chrysalis wasn’t about to let her subjects slack. Now that they weren’t near-crippled by hunger, they were all hard at work, guarding the hive, patrolling, keeping watch in the tiny, miniscule chance that something went wrong. No changeling would ever question her leadership, not even in their most private thoughts, after all this. The hive would truly be great, and from its proper place in the shadows.
When a knock at the door preceded teams of changelings bearing the last two princesses, already encased in their cocoons and helpless, she couldn’t keep the predatory grin from her face.
Chrysalis stormed around the throne room, infuriated. How could the reports of a pony in the hive be true? She’d replaced all the potential threats! They were hanging right above her! She risked a glance up just to be sure they were all still there. What was going on? Her pacing carried her past her throne again, and she slowed. She had orders to give, and they were best given from her majestic, powerful and intimidating throne.
Once settled, she cleared her throat and called for her commanders.
Her troops had been hard at work. The invaders had been determined, but one by one they’d been captured. She didn’t bother to hold back a laugh. They’d thought they could stop her, a mere group of four! She crawled among the pods, admiring her newest captures, the draconequus Discord and a unicorn pony who’d been among the “rescuers.” Discord’s presence had given her pause, but it seemed the throne’s magic had absorbed all of his just as well as it did any pony’s. She scuttled deeper into the mass of cocoons as she heard a lone set of hoofsteps approach. Was one of them foolish enough to enter…? One was indeed! Starlight Glimmer, the student of the Princess of Friendship, walked cautiously into the throne room. Chrysalis decided to reveal herself in a way the mare would find as unsettling as possible.
She crawled forth, deliberately twisting her body in ways a pony’s body couldn’t, and called her chamber guards from the side passages they hid in, the pony quickly secured. Chrysalis began to taunt her captive--and then as she glanced away in scorn, she caught the way the light played across the “pony’s” eyes. A changeling in disguise! This had to be the traitor, the one she’d been hoping to get into her grasp ever since she’d learned his betrayal went so far as to lead outsiders into the hive. A quick spell revealed the truth, and as she spat his name, the changelings filling the chamber hissed and snarled their disgust. They’d be remembering he’d been feeding freely when they’d been on the edge of starvation. Good.
A chinking sound behind her caught her attention; the real Starlight Glimmer sat at the base of the pillar that supported the throne, desperately trying to chip it loose. Chrysalis fought down another surge of anger at another secret Thorax had clearly revealed, but had to hold in a burst of laughter as she realized the hopelessness of the attempt. She left Thorax where her army had slimed him to the floor and approached where the magicless mare pointlessly tried to hide.
It only took a couple of taunts--and they were true, too--to get the pony to break her silence and speak. Apparently the mare couldn’t get her head around why a changeling ever did anything--for food. Sharing a little of her plan wouldn’t hurt a thing when this pony would never leave, and it could lure her into talking more and revealing herself completely. A reminder of just what this victory meant even set her army to laughing and cheering, in a way a pony would find absolutely menacing. Chrysalis laughed in delighted glee.
Starlight Glimmer spoke up again, then. This time Chrysalis pinpointed her location and struck, even as her anger rose at a pony presuming to understand how changelings worked, how they fed, how they needed to steal love for food. How dare she! How dare Starlight claim to understand changelings, to understand Chrysalis herself, better than she, the queen, did! Even more infuriating, her subjects were beginning to listen. This pony claimed they need not feel hunger’s bite at all times, and her changelings were doubtfully looking amongst themselves. What delusions this pony had!
And then, oh, and then the pony began lecturing Chrysalis on how to be a leader, trying to change her, to convince her that a mere pony understood her and could be compared to her. Oh, Chrysalis was going to make this mare pay, but for now, she would let the helpless thing watch as her “friend” was drained of all his love. Collapsing into a husk, starved to the brink of death and slowly dying; that was a fitting end for such a traitor, and a worthwhile demonstration of what happened to those that opposed her. She lifted him in her magic and began to feed. Oh how good it felt to feed directly after subjecting herself to such torment to supply her troops! Even now the traitor moaned about how he couldn’t hold onto his love against her pull, the little worm.
Then the pony did something unexpected, and the traitor more unexpected still. Despite the changelings restraining her, she called for Thorax to give Chrysalis all of his love. Did the pony have no understanding of changelings at all? But then the traitor listened. For a brief moment, triumph began to fill her, but then everything went wrong.
The love she’d been siphoning from Thorax turned from a steady stream into a raging torrent, bursting forth with incredible power, sending Chrysalis flying back into her throne. Floundering with shock, dumbfounded, she watched as the power he’d released kept him suspended in midair and wrapped around him, forming a glowing cocoon--no, it was a chrysalis, her namesake. Moments later he emerged, completely changed--as colorful as a pony, maybe moreso, with the stature of a leader; most mind boggling, though, was that he had no holes in his body or limbs. Those holes were a symbol of the bottomless pit of hunger in a changeling that could not be filled. That they were gone, that they had been filled… Before she could fully grasp the truth of what she was seeing, her subjects began copying him. Releasing all their love should kill them, not trigger transformations! The power from each changeling who followed suit blasted the chamber, rattling it apart. As chunks of her throne collapsed onto her, it felt like she was being pummeled by her plan, her hopes and dreams, her world, falling into pieces and raining down on her. Though the chamber was lit by blinding bursts of light, Chrysalis’ sight went dark.
Chrysalis was only unconscious for moments, but it was enough. She burst from the rubble of her throne, hissing furiously, horn lit, to find all of her captives, the most powerful ponies (and draconequus) in Equestria, standing in the destroyed throne room, horns glowing with magic no longer restrained by the shattered throne, facing her. Thorax stood with the princesses, and even her own changelings, now almost unrecognizable, stood against her.
Her legs gave out beneath her in that moment, and Starlight Glimmer approached. Above the roaring wind, that pony offered Chrysalis her queendom back, if only she’d change too, and take the hoof Starlight extended.
Somehow, she couldn’t quite believe how, it had come to this, to this hoof outstretched towards her. Chrysalis trembled, the foundations of her beliefs and her world shaken, and began to reach for that hoof that promised to be a lifeline.
Then, with a mental curse for her momentary weakness, she slapped the hoof away, screamed threats of revenge, and dove from the edge of the decimated room. As she flew across the desert, low and fast, she kept all her senses focused behind her, waiting for the gathered powers to attack--but they merely stood and watched.
As Chrysalis got far enough away to feel escape and safety were true possibilities, she glanced back. Everything was completely different. She couldn’t fathom what had happened to her changelings. As her thoughts floundered, desperate for an idea to latch on to, revenge again crossed her mind, and her turmoil calmed. Even if she was alone now--no, no; no changeling was ever, SHOULD ever, be alone--she wouldn’t give in to weakness. Her changelings would come crawling back to her when they found their new forms weren’t as wonderful as they thought, and in the meantime, she’d be ready. All she needed was...was a magical device or maybe a relic, to gather love for her, an endless supply drained from a population--unsuspecting would be convenient, but at the moment, she’d much rather them be aware of their suffering--and she’d be free to attack again, and this time kill all who opposed her. She swore to herself that Equestria would one day be under her hoof, no matter how long it took, and fled into the uncharted wilderness.
One day, she’d be back.
And she’d do everything in her power to ensure it was one day soon.
Synopsis: retelling of the changelings' involvement in the series, from Chryssi's perspective.
This didn't really stick well for me, for two reasons:
One, it's a fairly unadorned retelling. This is a story we (at least those of us caught up with the series) already know, and it doesn't add much of anything new to that story. The result is that we know the plot already, so what's going to happen holds no suspense and the events themselves can't be where the interest is. To generate interest in a piece like this, the examination of the characters is typically where you'd need to turn, and that leads to the next point, which is...
Two, as this is from Chryssi's perspective, an exploration of Chryssi is where that interest would come from. But she's not very interesting here because she doesn't end up feeling, at least to me, like a very nuanced or real person. She's more or less just a stock villain doing stock villainy for the stock reasons of self-interest. We're supposed to be getting offered insight into her perspective, but all the truths we're left with about her at the end of the story are ultimately as superficial as what we knew from the start: she wants to steal love because she's hungry and feels entitled to eat, and doesn't see how she could be wrong. Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written, since it's just going to say what everyone already knew. On the other hand, if you think there's more, some sort of really interesting morally ambiguous territory to tread through, or some real, relatable nuance to develop and explore about Chryssi as a person, then unfortunately this story doesn't hit that mark, and I really would have liked it to, because that would have very interesting.
Final word: This just doesn't have anything new to say.
This didn't really stick well for me, for two reasons:
One, it's a fairly unadorned retelling. This is a story we (at least those of us caught up with the series) already know, and it doesn't add much of anything new to that story. The result is that we know the plot already, so what's going to happen holds no suspense and the events themselves can't be where the interest is. To generate interest in a piece like this, the examination of the characters is typically where you'd need to turn, and that leads to the next point, which is...
Two, as this is from Chryssi's perspective, an exploration of Chryssi is where that interest would come from. But she's not very interesting here because she doesn't end up feeling, at least to me, like a very nuanced or real person. She's more or less just a stock villain doing stock villainy for the stock reasons of self-interest. We're supposed to be getting offered insight into her perspective, but all the truths we're left with about her at the end of the story are ultimately as superficial as what we knew from the start: she wants to steal love because she's hungry and feels entitled to eat, and doesn't see how she could be wrong. Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written, since it's just going to say what everyone already knew. On the other hand, if you think there's more, some sort of really interesting morally ambiguous territory to tread through, or some real, relatable nuance to develop and explore about Chryssi as a person, then unfortunately this story doesn't hit that mark, and I really would have liked it to, because that would have very interesting.
Final word: This just doesn't have anything new to say.
Pretty much what >>Winston said; I see what it's going for, but it doesn't say or do anything unique with its premise, or offer any insight into Chryssi's character that isn't already apparent from the way her arc's played out over the course of the series.
The writing's fine (better than fine, even), however. But there's not much story underneath the well-written* prose
*fuckin' fight me, guys
The writing's fine (better than fine, even), however. But there's not much story underneath the well-written* prose
*fuckin' fight me, guys
On a technical level, I think you did a good job, but as >>Winston said, if you're going to retell an episode from a differente perspective, then you ought to show us something new. What do we gain from seeing Chryssi's insight? Do we see the episode under a new light? Does it add a layer of meaning or emotion to the story now that we've seen it through Chrysalis's eyes?
What's more, at points this retelling was literally just a retelling of the steps of the plan of the finale, and it's not as though there's any interesting twist or new information there, it's just Chrysalis saying "this happened, and then this happened."
If you manage to find what it is that you want to say, then I'll be right on board.
What's more, at points this retelling was literally just a retelling of the steps of the plan of the finale, and it's not as though there's any interesting twist or new information there, it's just Chrysalis saying "this happened, and then this happened."
If you manage to find what it is that you want to say, then I'll be right on board.
Genre: VH1’s Behind the Villain
Thoughts: For me, this story’s strength lies in the structural solidity of its prose, and in the intimacy of Chrysalis’ perspective. There’s good and competent writing going on in here, which is not to be discounted! However, from a plot perspective, I kept waiting for a storytelling hook beyond those things. And this might be an example of what Horizon said about authors and readers sometimes having different goals; however, I would rather see some broader scope to the narrative, even if it meant having less tightness from a technical perspective.
Consider the question of how we the audience are meant to feel at the end of a given story. Sometimes the most relevant question isn’t if we understand how a given character feels at the end (though hopefully that’s clear and contributes to the rest of the work), but if the work helps lead the reader to a new or different feeling and/or understanding about the characters and situation. In this case I think the main narrative goal is getting to see Chrysalis’ badness up close and personal, but IMO we see enough of that in-show to blunt some of its novelty.
Sorry Author! Keep writing, and—
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: For me, this story’s strength lies in the structural solidity of its prose, and in the intimacy of Chrysalis’ perspective. There’s good and competent writing going on in here, which is not to be discounted! However, from a plot perspective, I kept waiting for a storytelling hook beyond those things. And this might be an example of what Horizon said about authors and readers sometimes having different goals; however, I would rather see some broader scope to the narrative, even if it meant having less tightness from a technical perspective.
Consider the question of how we the audience are meant to feel at the end of a given story. Sometimes the most relevant question isn’t if we understand how a given character feels at the end (though hopefully that’s clear and contributes to the rest of the work), but if the work helps lead the reader to a new or different feeling and/or understanding about the characters and situation. In this case I think the main narrative goal is getting to see Chrysalis’ badness up close and personal, but IMO we see enough of that in-show to blunt some of its novelty.
Sorry Author! Keep writing, and—
Tier: Keep Developing
Ditto to the positives and negatives above.
I'd also like to point out that I'm not sure the prompt has been applied very effectively here.
I'd also like to point out that I'm not sure the prompt has been applied very effectively here.
This is a nice character piece with quality mood, but it has some issues. The big problems here are telliness and a lack of new perspective—you're retelling a story, but we're not getting anything new. I'm sure the latter has been covered to death by the other reviewers, so I won't go into more detail on that one.
A separate problem is that you switch back and forth between narrated and episodic storytelling once you get about halfway through the piece. Chrysalis basically stops remembering out loud and you have direct flashbacks, and some back and forth between the two styles. The flashbacks are much less telly due to the storytelling method, but the shift in perspective is jarring.
Anyway, about the tell. It's very hard to not be telly when you're writing first-pony limited in train-of-thought style. This is easier to write (mentally), but it's a very high degree of difficulty to pull off properly. Let's look at an example:
Just because you're choosing this high-difficulty approach doesn't mean you can't push to show rather than tell. The challenge is to try to tell this story by describing what somepony looking at Chrysalis would look like in this moment, and failing that, to describe Chrysalis's sensations and experiences more than her thoughts. We want the reader to derive the author's value judgments rather than forcing the reader to accept what we want them to feel.
How about something more like this:
Note that I focus on what a viewer would see if they witnessed Chrysalis. Don't tell the reader she's fighting for control, actually show them. Then let the reader figure that out for themself. This is the challenge of writing well, and it's much harder when you're inside Chryssi's head like this, but it's still something you can improve. Keep working!
A separate problem is that you switch back and forth between narrated and episodic storytelling once you get about halfway through the piece. Chrysalis basically stops remembering out loud and you have direct flashbacks, and some back and forth between the two styles. The flashbacks are much less telly due to the storytelling method, but the shift in perspective is jarring.
Anyway, about the tell. It's very hard to not be telly when you're writing first-pony limited in train-of-thought style. This is easier to write (mentally), but it's a very high degree of difficulty to pull off properly. Let's look at an example:
She had a hard time thinking, then, all her thoughts washed in red or a burning white, too absorbed in her wrath to think clearly, to think in words. She gradually fought her way back into control.
Just because you're choosing this high-difficulty approach doesn't mean you can't push to show rather than tell. The challenge is to try to tell this story by describing what somepony looking at Chrysalis would look like in this moment, and failing that, to describe Chrysalis's sensations and experiences more than her thoughts. We want the reader to derive the author's value judgments rather than forcing the reader to accept what we want them to feel.
How about something more like this:
Chrysalis slapped a chitinous hoof against the base of her horn in a vain attempt to focus through her anger. As she viewed these images in her mind's eye, she saw them with a reddish tinge and felt the heat of her own rage invading her memories. Chrysalis stood up and clenched her eyes shut, stomping a hoof repeatedly until the images faded.
Note that I focus on what a viewer would see if they witnessed Chrysalis. Don't tell the reader she's fighting for control, actually show them. Then let the reader figure that out for themself. This is the challenge of writing well, and it's much harder when you're inside Chryssi's head like this, but it's still something you can improve. Keep working!
>>Winston
>>Posh
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Miller Minus
>>Trick_Question
Hey everyone, thank you very much for your reviews and comments, and taking the time to read this! I knew it wasn't going to do very well, but I guess I wrote it anyways because of wonderful encouragement in the discussion thread (see page 2, for example) and because it was kinda fun for me to jump inside a character like Chrysalis' head. She's totally different from me, so being in her head was pretty cool.
Unfortunately, I didn't really come up with anywhere new to take the story, as you all noticed. I anticipated that comment. v_v I'm basically a discovery writer, with some minor planning and outlining, but usually once I find somewhere to start something starts to take shape. If it isn't obvious from where I started, I wanted to really look at how Chrysalis was losing everything she valued in the specific episodes. I also think she had a moment she really considered taking Starlight's hoof. I'm a tremendous reader so I know how words should go, generally, but getting the story right? Still way beyond me ^^'
I also finished this in the middle of the night, and I'm NOT a night owl, so the ending got away from me a bit. I hope it wasn't mind-numbingly boring, having it basically be a summary of events. I really appreciate you guys reading it.
>>Winston
I...was aware of the lack of new. I just liked writing it, I guess. I wanted to make her more nuanced--particularly where she was suffering debilitating hunger in order to provide her drones with what they needed to carry out the attack, and barely resisted Starlight's attempt, and indignation at a pony thinking to understand...and just utter, utter shock at what happened and probably denial too. Thanks for your feedback; the way you worded it (even though I flinched at the "Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written" section) helped me to realize that morally ambiguous or a nuance about her is where I need to focus. I dunno that she's terribly morally ambiguous, but I am seeing what you're getting at.
>>Posh
You're right; her arc in the series pretty clearly denotes the aspects I presented and I didn't get into the ones I found more interesting. I honestly wanted to do something more with her mind trying to cope with everything crumbling around her, but it was the end, I was tired...
And mostly, I wanted to give you a giant hug. It's been so hard to wait to tell you that! *glomps* Thank you so much for the kind words about my writing!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Thanks for your feedback. I was worried about the episode retelling in particular, and (especially as I was tired when I wrote it) I ended up kind of rushing through what happened without putting emphasis on some things I'd hoped to. I mean, we can all see she gets mad at Starlight trying to lecture her, but I felt like she must be hiding real indignation and belief that it literally wasn't possible for a pony to understand changelings and how dare she? but that's probably pretty clear already, so again, I run into the problem of nothing new. I appreciate your comments about what could make the story better--seeing in a new light, or from a new angle, or adding a layer of emotion. I'm thinking about how to do that. Though I'm not 100% sure I can make a decent story out of this anyways.
>>CoffeeMinion
I was really glad to see your review of my attempt! Thank you so, so much for your positive comments about my prose (and Chrysalis' perspective). The intimacy was really something I wanted--I wanted to be IN her head, not just watching--but I know I missed on a lot of other points. Thanks for the reminder about having a clear "hook"--I always imagine a literal hook, sinking into the reader, reeling them in and keeping them there, and I need to put one in this story. I'll put more thought into what I want people to take away, too. Even if I don't do much of anything with this attempt, I will use it in the future.
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time to comment. My attempt to use the prompt......well, I wanted it to feel to Chrysalis like it was The End of All Things; that's how I saw it. I clearly didn't communicate it well.
>>Trick_Question
I was also really happy to see your review, Trick. I appreciate you branching out from the issues the other reviewers had mentioned. I didn't even realize I was bouncing back and forth between two styles, the narrated and the episodic, or that that could be confusing. That's something I know more about how to work on than plot...
I really want the reader to feel like they're inside Chrysalis' head for this story. I get what you're saying about showing vs. telling, but I think I'd go with describing Chrysalis' sensations vs what someone looking at her would see, because I don't want to back out of her head far enough to look AT her. I want to look THROUGH her eyes, if that makes sense. I appreciate your critique, though. I can definitely keep working on it.
As a side note, am I the only one who has their thoughts basically go white when they're absolutely furious? Most people, most stories, describe "seeing red," but I always feel like pure emotional energy is blinding me, or something more like that, and it's burning white-hot, like staring at a star/sun... I don't actually see "red" as such. I was afraid of losing the reader if I talked about seeing white, though. I guess that would have been the time for more showing, hmm? For me, when I get truly furious to the point where I snap, coherent thought falls away, and most sensations do too, but for the heat of rage and the blinding white fury. I can't see clearly, sometimes at all for the most intense moments, and all I can do is cling to what control I've got and stand there and shake, or to lash out violently at something, basically feeling helpless to stop.
If that sounds like an insane person talking, I'll stop; does it help explain if I mention I have a younger brother with an absolute talent for getting under my skin? It doesn't help that I apparently don't look seriously angry when I am, and I'm short and not super athletic (bit chubby...) so few people see me as a threat and being brushed off doesn't help... Oh my gosh, SHUTTING UP NOW.
>>Trick_Question
Nope, not me, but maybe this means I should read that story to see how my attempt came off to other people, if it seems that similar.
>>CoffeeMinion
Ah, it took me forever to find that comment! I just happened to glance it in passing in the thread... At any rate, I intend to look at that story and see what it did. Maybe that will help me figure out how to do what I want a little better.
Wait, aren't those two comments referring to the same story? *headache intensifies* OK, maybe I just need to read that fic and see what I make of it, first... Shoot. Less helpful than I may have thought, getting such different reactions.
And once more, I'd like to thank the people who encouraged me enough so that I actually wrote this, entered it, and left it submitted.
Thank you:
Posh (>>Posh, your review post though you didn't know at the time)
Seriously, thank you. ALL THE HUGS.
CoffeeMinion (>>CoffeeMinion, >>CoffeeMinion)
TrumpetofDoom (>>TrumpetofDoom)
moonwhisper (>>moonwhisper)
Bachiavellian (>>Bachiavellian, >>Bachiavellian)
Pascoite (>>Pascoite)
Ranmilia (>>Ranmilia)
Monokeras (>>Monokeras, >>Monokeras)
Trick_Question (>>Trick_Question)
I almost cried when I read that, especially the last line. Thank you.
(Sorry if I came off insulting or rude in later comments)
Also Horizon, indirectly (>>horizon, >>horizon)
I can't thank you all enough, those who reviewed and critiqued my story, and those who helped me stay strong enough to write the story, submit it, and leave it up. Thank you, thank you.
>>Posh
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Miller Minus
>>Trick_Question
Hey everyone, thank you very much for your reviews and comments, and taking the time to read this! I knew it wasn't going to do very well, but I guess I wrote it anyways because of wonderful encouragement in the discussion thread (see page 2, for example) and because it was kinda fun for me to jump inside a character like Chrysalis' head. She's totally different from me, so being in her head was pretty cool.
Unfortunately, I didn't really come up with anywhere new to take the story, as you all noticed. I anticipated that comment. v_v I'm basically a discovery writer, with some minor planning and outlining, but usually once I find somewhere to start something starts to take shape. If it isn't obvious from where I started, I wanted to really look at how Chrysalis was losing everything she valued in the specific episodes. I also think she had a moment she really considered taking Starlight's hoof. I'm a tremendous reader so I know how words should go, generally, but getting the story right? Still way beyond me ^^'
I also finished this in the middle of the night, and I'm NOT a night owl, so the ending got away from me a bit. I hope it wasn't mind-numbingly boring, having it basically be a summary of events. I really appreciate you guys reading it.
>>Winston
I...was aware of the lack of new. I just liked writing it, I guess. I wanted to make her more nuanced--particularly where she was suffering debilitating hunger in order to provide her drones with what they needed to carry out the attack, and barely resisted Starlight's attempt, and indignation at a pony thinking to understand...and just utter, utter shock at what happened and probably denial too. Thanks for your feedback; the way you worded it (even though I flinched at the "Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written" section) helped me to realize that morally ambiguous or a nuance about her is where I need to focus. I dunno that she's terribly morally ambiguous, but I am seeing what you're getting at.
>>Posh
You're right; her arc in the series pretty clearly denotes the aspects I presented and I didn't get into the ones I found more interesting. I honestly wanted to do something more with her mind trying to cope with everything crumbling around her, but it was the end, I was tired...
And mostly, I wanted to give you a giant hug. It's been so hard to wait to tell you that! *glomps* Thank you so much for the kind words about my writing!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Thanks for your feedback. I was worried about the episode retelling in particular, and (especially as I was tired when I wrote it) I ended up kind of rushing through what happened without putting emphasis on some things I'd hoped to. I mean, we can all see she gets mad at Starlight trying to lecture her, but I felt like she must be hiding real indignation and belief that it literally wasn't possible for a pony to understand changelings and how dare she? but that's probably pretty clear already, so again, I run into the problem of nothing new. I appreciate your comments about what could make the story better--seeing in a new light, or from a new angle, or adding a layer of emotion. I'm thinking about how to do that. Though I'm not 100% sure I can make a decent story out of this anyways.
>>CoffeeMinion
I was really glad to see your review of my attempt! Thank you so, so much for your positive comments about my prose (and Chrysalis' perspective). The intimacy was really something I wanted--I wanted to be IN her head, not just watching--but I know I missed on a lot of other points. Thanks for the reminder about having a clear "hook"--I always imagine a literal hook, sinking into the reader, reeling them in and keeping them there, and I need to put one in this story. I'll put more thought into what I want people to take away, too. Even if I don't do much of anything with this attempt, I will use it in the future.
>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time to comment. My attempt to use the prompt......well, I wanted it to feel to Chrysalis like it was The End of All Things; that's how I saw it. I clearly didn't communicate it well.
>>Trick_Question
I was also really happy to see your review, Trick. I appreciate you branching out from the issues the other reviewers had mentioned. I didn't even realize I was bouncing back and forth between two styles, the narrated and the episodic, or that that could be confusing. That's something I know more about how to work on than plot...
I really want the reader to feel like they're inside Chrysalis' head for this story. I get what you're saying about showing vs. telling, but I think I'd go with describing Chrysalis' sensations vs what someone looking at her would see, because I don't want to back out of her head far enough to look AT her. I want to look THROUGH her eyes, if that makes sense. I appreciate your critique, though. I can definitely keep working on it.
As a side note, am I the only one who has their thoughts basically go white when they're absolutely furious? Most people, most stories, describe "seeing red," but I always feel like pure emotional energy is blinding me, or something more like that, and it's burning white-hot, like staring at a star/sun... I don't actually see "red" as such. I was afraid of losing the reader if I talked about seeing white, though. I guess that would have been the time for more showing, hmm? For me, when I get truly furious to the point where I snap, coherent thought falls away, and most sensations do too, but for the heat of rage and the blinding white fury. I can't see clearly, sometimes at all for the most intense moments, and all I can do is cling to what control I've got and stand there and shake, or to lash out violently at something, basically feeling helpless to stop.
If that sounds like an insane person talking, I'll stop; does it help explain if I mention I have a younger brother with an absolute talent for getting under my skin? It doesn't help that I apparently don't look seriously angry when I am, and I'm short and not super athletic (bit chubby...) so few people see me as a threat and being brushed off doesn't help... Oh my gosh, SHUTTING UP NOW.
>>Trick_Question
Nope, not me, but maybe this means I should read that story to see how my attempt came off to other people, if it seems that similar.
>>CoffeeMinion
Ah, it took me forever to find that comment! I just happened to glance it in passing in the thread... At any rate, I intend to look at that story and see what it did. Maybe that will help me figure out how to do what I want a little better.
Wait, aren't those two comments referring to the same story? *headache intensifies* OK, maybe I just need to read that fic and see what I make of it, first... Shoot. Less helpful than I may have thought, getting such different reactions.
And once more, I'd like to thank the people who encouraged me enough so that I actually wrote this, entered it, and left it submitted.
Thank you:
Posh (>>Posh, your review post though you didn't know at the time)
Seriously, thank you. ALL THE HUGS.
CoffeeMinion (>>CoffeeMinion, >>CoffeeMinion)
TrumpetofDoom (>>TrumpetofDoom)
moonwhisper (>>moonwhisper)
Bachiavellian (>>Bachiavellian, >>Bachiavellian)
Pascoite (>>Pascoite)
Ranmilia (>>Ranmilia)
Monokeras (>>Monokeras, >>Monokeras)
Trick_Question (>>Trick_Question)
I almost cried when I read that, especially the last line. Thank you.
(Sorry if I came off insulting or rude in later comments)
Also Horizon, indirectly (>>horizon, >>horizon)
I can't thank you all enough, those who reviewed and critiqued my story, and those who helped me stay strong enough to write the story, submit it, and leave it up. Thank you, thank you.
>>Kitcat36
I hope my feedback wasn't too harsh, because my intention isn't be be discouraging, but to provide an unvarnished appraisal in the interests of getting the most out of what a story can do to help its author improve. That's sort of a 'tough love' thing, I know, because I've been on the flip side and it does happen to me. It can be a bit of an emotional bruise for a short time, but I find that's what helps me the most in the long run, which is what these writeoffs are all about. So hopefully you're helped in some way by my not holding back.
I would like to be clear that you didn't do bad, you just didn't hit some of what I would have needed to see in a story like this for it to be a standout.
I hope my feedback wasn't too harsh, because my intention isn't be be discouraging, but to provide an unvarnished appraisal in the interests of getting the most out of what a story can do to help its author improve. That's sort of a 'tough love' thing, I know, because I've been on the flip side and it does happen to me. It can be a bit of an emotional bruise for a short time, but I find that's what helps me the most in the long run, which is what these writeoffs are all about. So hopefully you're helped in some way by my not holding back.
I would like to be clear that you didn't do bad, you just didn't hit some of what I would have needed to see in a story like this for it to be a standout.