I'm blanking a bit on this prompt too, and I'm pretty busy getting ready to move on to campus on the 16th so I don't foresee much participation from me in this write-off :(

>>Trick_Question
I didn't get bored so I can't help there. Maybe I just really like it obvious :/ I like you using Flurry, a lot, so I'm glad you're keeping her. Can't wait to see it on FimFiction!

>>Winston
>>Posh
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Miller Minus
>>Trick_Question

Hey everyone, thank you very much for your reviews and comments, and taking the time to read this! I knew it wasn't going to do very well, but I guess I wrote it anyways because of wonderful encouragement in the discussion thread (see page 2, for example) and because it was kinda fun for me to jump inside a character like Chrysalis' head. She's totally different from me, so being in her head was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, I didn't really come up with anywhere new to take the story, as you all noticed. I anticipated that comment. v_v I'm basically a discovery writer, with some minor planning and outlining, but usually once I find somewhere to start something starts to take shape. If it isn't obvious from where I started, I wanted to really look at how Chrysalis was losing everything she valued in the specific episodes. I also think she had a moment she really considered taking Starlight's hoof. I'm a tremendous reader so I know how words should go, generally, but getting the story right? Still way beyond me ^^'

I also finished this in the middle of the night, and I'm NOT a night owl, so the ending got away from me a bit. I hope it wasn't mind-numbingly boring, having it basically be a summary of events. I really appreciate you guys reading it.

>>Winston
I...was aware of the lack of new. I just liked writing it, I guess. I wanted to make her more nuanced--particularly where she was suffering debilitating hunger in order to provide her drones with what they needed to carry out the attack, and barely resisted Starlight's attempt, and indignation at a pony thinking to understand...and just utter, utter shock at what happened and probably denial too. Thanks for your feedback; the way you worded it (even though I flinched at the "Author, if that's really all you see in her, then one questions why this story really needed to be written" section) helped me to realize that morally ambiguous or a nuance about her is where I need to focus. I dunno that she's terribly morally ambiguous, but I am seeing what you're getting at.

>>Posh
You're right; her arc in the series pretty clearly denotes the aspects I presented and I didn't get into the ones I found more interesting. I honestly wanted to do something more with her mind trying to cope with everything crumbling around her, but it was the end, I was tired...

And mostly, I wanted to give you a giant hug. It's been so hard to wait to tell you that! *glomps* Thank you so much for the kind words about my writing!

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Thanks for your feedback. I was worried about the episode retelling in particular, and (especially as I was tired when I wrote it) I ended up kind of rushing through what happened without putting emphasis on some things I'd hoped to. I mean, we can all see she gets mad at Starlight trying to lecture her, but I felt like she must be hiding real indignation and belief that it literally wasn't possible for a pony to understand changelings and how dare she? but that's probably pretty clear already, so again, I run into the problem of nothing new. I appreciate your comments about what could make the story better--seeing in a new light, or from a new angle, or adding a layer of emotion. I'm thinking about how to do that. Though I'm not 100% sure I can make a decent story out of this anyways.

>>CoffeeMinion
I was really glad to see your review of my attempt! Thank you so, so much for your positive comments about my prose (and Chrysalis' perspective). The intimacy was really something I wanted--I wanted to be IN her head, not just watching--but I know I missed on a lot of other points. Thanks for the reminder about having a clear "hook"--I always imagine a literal hook, sinking into the reader, reeling them in and keeping them there, and I need to put one in this story. I'll put more thought into what I want people to take away, too. Even if I don't do much of anything with this attempt, I will use it in the future.

>>Miller Minus
Thanks for taking the time to comment. My attempt to use the prompt......well, I wanted it to feel to Chrysalis like it was The End of All Things; that's how I saw it. I clearly didn't communicate it well.

>>Trick_Question
I was also really happy to see your review, Trick. I appreciate you branching out from the issues the other reviewers had mentioned. I didn't even realize I was bouncing back and forth between two styles, the narrated and the episodic, or that that could be confusing. That's something I know more about how to work on than plot...

I really want the reader to feel like they're inside Chrysalis' head for this story. I get what you're saying about showing vs. telling, but I think I'd go with describing Chrysalis' sensations vs what someone looking at her would see, because I don't want to back out of her head far enough to look AT her. I want to look THROUGH her eyes, if that makes sense. I appreciate your critique, though. I can definitely keep working on it.

As a side note, am I the only one who has their thoughts basically go white when they're absolutely furious? Most people, most stories, describe "seeing red," but I always feel like pure emotional energy is blinding me, or something more like that, and it's burning white-hot, like staring at a star/sun... I don't actually see "red" as such. I was afraid of losing the reader if I talked about seeing white, though. I guess that would have been the time for more showing, hmm? For me, when I get truly furious to the point where I snap, coherent thought falls away, and most sensations do too, but for the heat of rage and the blinding white fury. I can't see clearly, sometimes at all for the most intense moments, and all I can do is cling to what control I've got and stand there and shake, or to lash out violently at something, basically feeling helpless to stop.

If that sounds like an insane person talking, I'll stop; does it help explain if I mention I have a younger brother with an absolute talent for getting under my skin? It doesn't help that I apparently don't look seriously angry when I am, and I'm short and not super athletic (bit chubby...) so few people see me as a threat and being brushed off doesn't help... Oh my gosh, SHUTTING UP NOW.

>>Trick_Question
Nope, not me, but maybe this means I should read that story to see how my attempt came off to other people, if it seems that similar.

>>CoffeeMinion
Ah, it took me forever to find that comment! I just happened to glance it in passing in the thread... At any rate, I intend to look at that story and see what it did. Maybe that will help me figure out how to do what I want a little better.

Wait, aren't those two comments referring to the same story? *headache intensifies* OK, maybe I just need to read that fic and see what I make of it, first... Shoot. Less helpful than I may have thought, getting such different reactions.


And once more, I'd like to thank the people who encouraged me enough so that I actually wrote this, entered it, and left it submitted.
Thank you:
Posh (>>Posh, your review post though you didn't know at the time)
Seriously, thank you. ALL THE HUGS.
CoffeeMinion (>>CoffeeMinion, >>CoffeeMinion)
TrumpetofDoom (>>TrumpetofDoom)
moonwhisper (>>moonwhisper)
Bachiavellian (>>Bachiavellian, >>Bachiavellian)
Pascoite (>>Pascoite)
Ranmilia (>>Ranmilia)
Monokeras (>>Monokeras, >>Monokeras)
Trick_Question (>>Trick_Question)
I almost cried when I read that, especially the last line. Thank you.
(Sorry if I came off insulting or rude in later comments)

Also Horizon, indirectly (>>horizon, >>horizon)

I can't thank you all enough, those who reviewed and critiqued my story, and those who helped me stay strong enough to write the story, submit it, and leave it up. Thank you, thank you.

>>WillowWren
More feedback is ALWAYS welcome, so yes, please do go for it! (Though I don't think there's anything about my story that hasn't been covered so far).

Oh, thank goodness it's over (for my story). That's a relief. I need to try to write a big response post later today. Right now I'm just super relieved. I told y'all it wasn't a winner!

Phew, I made it through my slate! I hate trying to rank stories... I dunno if any of my critiques are helpful, authors, but I wish you all the best of luck going forward with your writing!

There are some lovely lines of prose in this piece, and it was pretty well written, but I just couldn't connect at all to the narrator, doing reckless, crazy things that could be dangerous (not my jam...) and having so much hate and being convinced s/he was boring but not actually caring... I dunno, it felt like a character, but where were the genuine things to like? Why did the narrator expect their friends to react to Lily's letter if they didn't know who she is and she isn't someone famous? At least, not under the name Lily? I dunno, some of the prose was great, and I was caught up in the adventures and the dialogue in the middle--in my opinion, the best part--but the protagonist's bitterness in the beginning and worse in the end was unpleasant to me. I also don't feel like it's quite finished--it's really up in the air (oh my gosh, that pun was accidental but so bad I'm leaving it) as to what happens at the end and how it turns out. I hope you keep writing and maybe polish this up some! Explaining the protagonist's bitterness would help quite a lot.

Well, this story was intriguing, but I'm going to have to say that it was a little awkward at the beginning, especially. When a character addresses another character, there's a comma: "No, Rainbow." NOT "No Rainbow." That always drives me especially crazy when the dialogue is important and it happens multiple times. You're not trying to tell me that there is no rainbow here! You're trying to say no to Rainbow Dash! I'm sorry to harp on this, but major pet peeve. It threw me when I couldn't afford to be thrown.

Now, rereading the piece some more, I like it better. I'm getting past the initial weirdness and confusion to find it rather enjoyable. It seemed really odd to me that Rainbow's perspective on what was happening changed so much from the first encounter to most of the others. I wouldn't mind this expanded, the rough wording patches smoothed, and a little clarification on the confusing abstract parts added. You have to be REALLY careful when you use a regular noun as a name (i.e. Chaos) to refer to it properly so it's clear it's a name... The idea, though, is really, really interesting, even if Discord's role totally came out of left field for me. I'd love to see this polished. Think it could be a real hit on FimFic.

It just didn't land for me. Sorry. Twilight's weird mopeyness had me think she was there to see Celestia and get a dressing-down, or something, and then the romance was not at all what I was expecting. I think I got the spaceship idea before some people, but I know I saw the word "spaceship" in the general discussion thread, even if I had no idea what story that was from (deliberately not paying that much attention so I don't spoil things too badly). It was interesting to have Twilight heading off into space but the almost dreamy, melancholy tone didn't really match up for me. I'm an oddball, though, so I don't know if this feedback is useful when so many other people liked it.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Trick_Question
I did a 4 month internship this summer with, among others, a British guy.

Sorry, author, but this story rubbed me the wrong way. I think Horizon addressed the reasons best, though I was struggling to put my finger on it before reading his review. Was bothered by the one character's behavior, and the turnaround was so abrupt that I had to reevaluate everything and that it read unrealistically. I like to think I forgive quickly but there's no way I wouldn't have still been kinda huffy after all that.

I do really like your use of the prompt. That was clever. Take the previous commenter's advice and you'll be good.

Edit: One other small thing--what does Indicia's name mean? Every single other named character has a name that has to do with mail and/or mail delivery, while "Indicia" sounds more like a normal human name.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Black Friday may have been closer to insanity at one point, but it isn't now. Those stories of people getting trampled and such? Like Trick Question said, there aren't THAT many of them, and salespeople learn from it. Like, giving a number to everyone waiting in line overnight, at some places, to stop disputes and give their employees a way to know who was actually first. Also appreciated by line-standers when it's cold and having a number for when they showed up allows waiting in cars or breaks to fetch coffee. I don't go out on Black Friday because I have a hard time with crowds and big lines, but I was out once and it wasn't awful. Crowded, merchandise running low, a bit hard to maneuver and to find your size and such (I wasn't there first thing when it opened) and a bit messy from all the people who'd been through, but not like this. The people running the sales work hard to keep things orderly, and you generally find a lot of people in a store on Black Friday and extremely long lines but not active trampling or fighting.

Now, about this story.
I've read a "ponies have Black Friday and it's a disaster" story before, written by Estee, so I have to admit I found the setup in that story to make much more sense. I'm sorry to compare your story directly with another, but it was going on in my head through much of it. Anyways, a lot of the Black Friday--I'm sorry, Big Friends Day--antics were silly, but possibly a bit too over the top. My favorite parts were Twilight's customers (I've done some customer service, of a sort, and sometimes the things people say/ask....) and the bit with Fluttershy and the mug. That over-the-topness I found amusing. Maybe find a balance between wildly, blatantly over the top and something we could actually imagine happening? I don't know. The beginning of the story just seemed ridiculous--let's have a sale so everyone can be convinced to try this new tradition of Hearth's Warming gifts! That many people jump on board a new thing like that, to make it crazy? (Twilight's NOT from Canterlot? Or is it just her parents who aren't?). The Princess of Friendship going on about the wonderful-ness of material giving? Her way-too-far distractedness by books? Hearth's Warming presents aren't a thing already?

Anyways, I just can't point to all the things that threw it off for me. >>ToXikyogHurt nailed why Pinkie's section didn't make me laugh or want to, and what I feel we should have seen from Rarity. Also, Rarity said she was participating in the sale, but didn't put anything on sale? That was weird. And it skipped to her crying at the end of the day. Not much of her at all.

It's not a very new concept, and while I liked a few things, and the Apples actually managing (up until they run out) was one I forgot to mention above, I can't say I'm a huge fan of this. Sorry, Author. I appreciate the effort you put in. You did try to come up with unique ways for it to go sideways--Rarity doesn't have a sale, Twilight has stupid customers, Pinkie becomes a daycare, the Apples manage until running out--but not all of them landed for me, and the overall plot wasn't terribly new. You did a good job with the prose, I hope this review helps, and good luck with whatever you work on next!

>>ToXikyogHurt
You know, it could work to use Flurry--like you said, she shows the passage of time extremely well--if the author works on her lines a bit. Sometimes just a few words can reveal a LOT about a personality, and there might be a way to apply that here. Maybe even just giving her a good distinctive trait would do it.

>>Trick_Question
I'm...not sure I knew that before now, but that only adds to what I think is the actual problem, which is that I can't anticipate you, ever. And you go dark places sometimes, or suggestive places, very quickly. That's just you, I suppose. If I get to actually know you I'm sure I'll be a little more at ease.

I liked the writing in this story. It fit elegant Octavia, and the emphasis on tastes of food added, if you can forgive the pun, spice to the story and caught my interest. I really enjoyed the story, but I would have enjoyed seeing more of Vinyl and their relationship. All we have at this point is Vinyl welcoming Tavi (and the warmth and genuineness of that welcome emphasized the difference between Vinyl and the other ponies Tavi has interacted with, so I do approve of that. I liked this line particularly: "“Tavi, love, its fine. What kind of marefriend would I be if I didn’t welcome you into my bed whenever you wanted?”' unfortunately it's only a few lines though), apologizing for the mess and lack of food, then getting kissed and proposed to by Octavia. The welcome made me lean towards liking the relationship; the mess and lack of food and general habits of Vinyl (they come across as general habits at least to me when we know they have a distance relationship and she was planning on cleaning before Tavi came, and we have no other information as to her habits) made me worried that she was different enough from Octavia that it was going to make things really rough. Could Octavia be comfortable in a mess, as prim and controlled as she was through the rest of the story?

To gather my thoughts and summarize the awkward blurb above:
I liked the story, I liked the prose, I really enjoyed the events, but I wish we'd seen more of Vinyl and her relationship with Octavia, because it would have made the story the stronger for it. Even if the scene we had was extended, with more clues to their relationship added in like the welcome Vinyl gave Octavia.

>>Ranmilia
-hugs-
Thanks. I really appreciate the support. It's helping to see such kind and positive messages.
>>Monokeras
The heads up is much, much appreciated. It's kind of a relief knowing it's an option, even if I do leave it up.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you, Trick Question. The support from you is very much appreciated. I'm...a little bit scared of you, I think, so it means a whole lot. Don't ask me to explain why, though, because I'm not sure I can.

Thank you to all of you for caring so much. I can't tell you how touched I am. I'll leave the story up. Hopefully I WILL improve as a writer after this. Thank you.

>>Pascoite
-gulps-
I, I guess I can try to leave it up. Good to know there is a way out if I really lose it though. Panic attacks aren't fun >_<

Oh my gosh, I can't look at my story without wanting to hide it. ...there isn't a way to take it down, just in case, is there?

>>TrumpetofDoom
Huh, that's a point. I got it from putting together

"It's terrible. There's nothing left but a gray waste..."

"And five good friends to spend another million years or so with, any way you like," said Spike's voice. "Not a bad deal, if you ask me."

and the line immediately after Twi's response to that,

"Life ain't perfect, Twi. It's those imperfections that make it worthwhile," said Applejack. "You and your sisters can go play pretend together, and you can face facts together too. I know you can do it."

You have a point that I could have completely missed the mark with the 5 sisters thing.

>>Bachiavellian
Heh. Point taken. But I want honest reviews, not fake good ones, and then the panic comes back again...

>>Pascoite
Thanks! Whoops, that was a ridiculous mistake...
>>Pascoite
Well, I guess you're right--I'm not a first time participant. I participated twice before over the past few years in FIM minific contests, and never felt good enough about the results to publish anything on fimfiction. I feel like a rank newbie, though, even if I know my way around the website a little. Is it normal to both desperately want reviews and to be absolutely terrified of getting them?

Wowzers. I had an inkling from the very first moment that something was off--the emphasis on everything being the same in the very first sentence. I think I actually understand everything that happened here, or at least most of it, which is an improvement on my typical confusion with stories that gradually reveal things. I can't figure out who the fifth sister is, though. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Flurry Heart makes four so who...?. Anyways, I don't want to spoil anything for anyone else, so spoiler-ing reactions: this had me tearing up at the end, and really gave me feels. I wasn't too horrifically creeped out, either, which I appreciated. It's not "Evil Twi" it's more "suffering Twi." I find myself really wanting to know more of this story, of what led up to it and what happens next. Wonderful job.

I enjoyed this! I thought this was a creative take on the prompt. I liked Moondancer, and she was a fun choice of character, but she did get irritated a bit quickly for my tastes. I'm not quite sure why she was so distressed when she finally understood the store; because just because something ends up in there doesn't mean it's necessarily created yet or has been achieved yet. Don't ask for something from the future, and you can just strive for something that ends up in the shop... Though, at that point, her later realization of virtually infinite categories comes into play. I don't know how helpful my feedback is, though I felt the ending was a little abrupt, and I quite liked your descriptions. Good luck!

>>Pascoite
I would, I really think I would. I would at least seriously try because that’s an awesome gift

OH MY GOSH I ACTUALLY FINISHED (well mostly) AND SUBMITTED IT!

Prepare to be bored as I rehash events you all know, my friends. Hopefully it feels like there's a little bit of a point and that it wasn't a complete waste of time...