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Welcome to the End of all Things
This is most peculiar. Moondancer examined the shop entrance.
Halfway between small and minuscule, the facade created a cozy, yet exotic, sensation, almost as if the owner had plucked a childhood memory out of Moondancer’s mind and added some decorations from the Far East. Fine caramel paint covered the walls, making the bright red door frame and paper lanterns stand out. Yet, the most “peculiar” thing about the shop was its sign. Four paces in height, and one in length, a meticulously white canopy floated down from the shop’s roof proudly displaying a message in fiery-red symbols. Moondancer had no idea what the symbols meant, or the language they belonged to, but could confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt they were the reason she felt so inclined to step inside.
What‘s in there? the mare wondered. Curiously, she approached the entrance and peeked inside. A faint smell of species mixed with book-dust tickled her nostrils. Maybe it’s one of those coffee-libraries, Moondancer mused. They had become quite popular in recent years, thanks in part to the publication of Princess Twilight’s memoirs. Every neighborhood in Canterlot had at least one place where bibliophiles could enjoy a book in comfort. The dark interior of the shop, however, combined with the complete lack of customers suggested that might not be the case.
I guess there’s only one way to find out. Moondancer took a deep breath and stepped inside. Her eyes took a few moments to adjust to the dim light. Despite the widely open door, the room lacked any windows, lit entirely by a few candlelit lamps. Wooden shelves filled the small space, covered with objects large and small. Books, toys, trinkets, the shop seemed to have it all, including an extremely intricate example of oriental ceremonial attire. Moondancer had seen references in books, but this was the first time she stood in front of one.
“Ah, the ceremonial dress of princess Jinse Ma,” a deep voice said a step from Moondancer. “You have a good eye.”
The only reason that Moondancer didn’t scream was because she was far too startled too. A rush of adrenaline flooded her veins, making her heart beat like a train locomotive trying to make up for lost time.
“A thousand apologies, treasured customer.” A face appeared behind what seemed to be the shop’s counter. “I did not mean to startle. I was merely overjoyed that one of such refined taste had graced my humble shop. Please, please, continue. Pretend that this humble shopkeeper isn’t even here.”
“Th-thank you.” Moondancer blushed. That was embarrassing She reached for the dress, feeling the fabric with her hoof. “Umm, is this an antique shop?”
“Oh, my!” The shopkeeper chuckled. “You’ll have to forgive this forgetful shopkeeper,” he said as he lit a small oil lamp. “Seeing such a fine mare has made me completely forget my manners.” He cleared his throat. “Welcome to the End of all Things, where you could find find what your heart desires. I am Uncle Wing, the humble owner of this shop, who shall guide you through any questions you might have.”
“Moondancer.” The mare relaxed. A bit over the top, but still very nice. I wish more shops could be like this. “So it is an antique shop?”
“Dear child, this is no antique shop.” The shopkeeper chuckled once more. “Here, at the End of all Things, you won’t find trinkets of the past that have been tarnished by time. No, no, no, here you’ll find nothing but the pinnacle of perfection of eras past, present, and future!”
O-okay, now you lost me. Moondancer blinked. The sales pitch had started quite well, but Uncle Wing definitely needed to work on his closers. In this case a simple “yes” would have worked just fine.
“I see you are confused,” the shopkeeper noted with a smile.
Not really, Moondancer thought, but nodded nonetheless. The atmosphere of the shop compelled her to be courteous.
“Take the dress of princess Jinse Ma.” The shopkeeper pointed. “Is it not the pinnacle of elegance? It took thousands of years for the skills of dedication and learning for the artisans to create it. The design needed hundreds of instances to perfect. The silk that the inner veil was made of had been produced over the course of decades by silk-spiders exclusively raised on starberries.”
“So it is the best dress there was?” Moondancer’s ears perked up. The claim was bold to say the least, but looking at the outfit she couldn’t help but agree. I wonder what the full history of that dress is. It will probably fill an entire library section, at least!
“Not only that was.” The shopkeeper’s smile widened. “What you see is the best dress that was, is, and will be. That there is the end of the dress, the end of all dresses, an achievement that none other will surpass until the end of time!”
“I thought beauty and fashion were subjective.” Moondancer arched a brow.
“Yes, yes, of course, but that is the best of that type of dress. If you want the best of some other type of dress, I’ll gladly assist you in finding it. Just yesterday I received this one of a kind business dress, ideal for work, parties, and press interviews.”
“Oh,” Moondancer sighed. Flea-market. She stepped away from the ceremonial dress. What an anticlimax.
“Please, I’m telling you the truth!” Uncle Wing rushed from behind the counter. “Everything in this shop really is the best, in every literal and non-hyperbolic sense of the world!”
“Of course, it is.” Now you’re just trying too hard.
“Think of something you know is the best!” The shopkeeper insisted. “A toy, piece of jewelry, anything at all.”
“Very well.” I’ll humour you, but only because I enjoyed the story of the dress. Hmm, I wonder if I should buy it. It is rather breathtaking, even if I’ll hardly ever wear it... “Do you have the best book?”
“Oh.” The shopkeeper’s smile vanished, replaced by a drab expression. “Books...”
“What’s wrong with books?” Moondancer frowned. “Here are thousands of wonderful books! Books better our everyday lives! The whole reason that we are where we are is because of the knowledge stored in books! Without them we’ll be back in the dark ages, or worse!”
“Forgive me, valued customer. What you say is true. There are thousands of books. Who is to say which one of them is the best? I showed you one dress, yet even it is not the best in all circumstances.”
“So you’re telling me you can’t.” Moondancer narrowed her eyes. I expected as much.
“What I’m trying to say is that I humbly ask that you be a bit more specific?” The shopkeeper flashed a large smile. “The best work by A.K. Yearling, perhaps? There are many theories as to which of her Daring Do volumes that might be. The truth might surprise—“
“Shakemare’s sonnets,” Moondancer cut Wing short. It was hardly a polite thing to do, but the novelty of the place had quickly worn off, and with it her patience. “Do you have the best of Shakemare’s sonnets?”
“Shakemare,” The shopkeeper repeated the name slowly, stressing on every syllable. “Not a request I’ve often heard. Please, browse the store while this humble shopkeeper goes to find that which you ask.”
Moondancer watched him trot to the back of the shop and disappear behind a small door. No doubt he was going to go through his junk and return with a second edition of Shakemare’s Complete Sonnets. All Shakemare fans would unanimously agree that the specific tome was a must have for any collector. It wasn’t particularly rare, and by no means the best, yet available enough for everypony with enough bits to find one. If Wing actually came out with a first edition, that would be an entirely different matter. There were less than a thousand copies printed, most of which filled libraries and private collections.
What am I thinking? The mare shook her head. There’s no way we could have a first edition. For all she knew he might have gone to find an excuse for his failure.
While the unicorn was thinking, her hoof inadvertently moved to the ceremonial dress. The silk veil did feel incredibly smooth, far smoother than anything Moondancer had felt in her life. Then again, that could hardly be seen as a surprise; the vast majority of her wardrobe was composed of thick sweaters.
“Thank you for your patience, treasured customer!” The shopkeeper suddenly appeared, giving Moondancer another startle. “Your most humble servant has finally found what you ask.” He held a leather scroll case. “Behold, the pinnacle of Shakemare’s sonnets!”
Enough with the sales pitch, already. Moondancer sighed. The shopkeeper’s behaviour no longer amused her. Still, he had gone through some trouble to provide her with something, so the least she could do was take a look.
Levitating the scroll closer towards her, she opened it. As expected, there was a scroll inside. Less expected, the scroll held one of Shakemare’s sonnets written in Middle Equish. Moondancer read thought the first stanza. The penmanship was as masterful as the prose, executing every stroke with such perfection as if it were attempting to draw a painting using letters alone.
“This is an original!” Moondancer looked up in shock. “A perfectly preserved scroll of Shakemare’s Two Ponies Under the Stars! Have you any idea how extraordinarily rare this is!” She focused back on the scroll. “This is the final sonnet of Shakemare’s autumn series! Critics consider it her crowning achievement, going as far as to claim that it was—“
Moondancer froze. She levitated the scroll away. The shopkeeper was still there, smiling positively, a new air of mystery surrounding him.
“Going as far as to claim that it was the end of her career,” The mare finished her sentence. “Haycart even suggested that Shakemare was never able to produce anything of equal quality since.”
“I am but a humble shopkeeper, I know little in matters of literature.” The shopkeeper shrugged. “I do know that that’s the pinnacle of Shakemare’s work, and I my shop holds all pinnacles that have or will exist.” He beamed. “Unless special terms and conditions apply,” he added in rushed fashion.
“So this shop, really holds the end of all things?” Moondancer returned the scroll to its case.
“In a manner of speaking.” The shopkeeper shifted from leg to leg. “The name is not a direct hundred percent representation of the contents of the shop... but for most purposes, yes. Here you find the end of all things, the physical representation of notions that have reached their peak and cannot be surpassed now or ever.” Wing took the scroll case and placed it on one of the shelves. “I also accept all major forms of currency. Except gems.”
“But...” Moondancer felt her mouth had become dry. “Doesn’t it affect you?” It was the shopkeeper’s turn to arch a brow. “I mean you have surrounded yourself with the end of everything. How can you live like this? You will never experience anything better than what you already have. Isn’t that...” She swallowed. “Isn’t that depressing?”
If you already know the end what’s the point? The mystery of the shop had suddenly vanished, draining all the joy from Moondancer along with it. If she was to accept that the shop held the crowning achievement of everything conceived, what would be the point in trying to achieve anything?
“My valued, gentle customer,” the shopkeeper began softly. “I can tell you have a large heart. It is difficult to understand the End of all Things. Many have tried, many are yet to try, even I am trying and I’ve owned the shop for many years.” He laughed at the punchline. Moondancer could only cringe. “But don’t worry. Uncle Wing will let you in on a little secret,” he whispered moving closer. “The answer is variety. I showed you Shakemare’s crowning achievement, but have you seen somepony else’s best sonnet?” He winked.
Moondancer’s eyes grew wide. Of course! The end of all things! Even if every category of concept had a columniation point, with enough specificity there was a near infinite number of categories! There was no way to experience them all! She might have seen the end of Shakemare’s sonnets, but not her comedies, or her tragedies, or any of the other aspects of her work!
“I see you understand,” The shopkeeper said in a deep soothing voice. “Now, about Princess Jinse Ma‘s ceremonial dress... Do you want me to wrap it for you? Or will you put it on right away?”
Halfway between small and minuscule, the facade created a cozy, yet exotic, sensation, almost as if the owner had plucked a childhood memory out of Moondancer’s mind and added some decorations from the Far East. Fine caramel paint covered the walls, making the bright red door frame and paper lanterns stand out. Yet, the most “peculiar” thing about the shop was its sign. Four paces in height, and one in length, a meticulously white canopy floated down from the shop’s roof proudly displaying a message in fiery-red symbols. Moondancer had no idea what the symbols meant, or the language they belonged to, but could confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt they were the reason she felt so inclined to step inside.
What‘s in there? the mare wondered. Curiously, she approached the entrance and peeked inside. A faint smell of species mixed with book-dust tickled her nostrils. Maybe it’s one of those coffee-libraries, Moondancer mused. They had become quite popular in recent years, thanks in part to the publication of Princess Twilight’s memoirs. Every neighborhood in Canterlot had at least one place where bibliophiles could enjoy a book in comfort. The dark interior of the shop, however, combined with the complete lack of customers suggested that might not be the case.
I guess there’s only one way to find out. Moondancer took a deep breath and stepped inside. Her eyes took a few moments to adjust to the dim light. Despite the widely open door, the room lacked any windows, lit entirely by a few candlelit lamps. Wooden shelves filled the small space, covered with objects large and small. Books, toys, trinkets, the shop seemed to have it all, including an extremely intricate example of oriental ceremonial attire. Moondancer had seen references in books, but this was the first time she stood in front of one.
“Ah, the ceremonial dress of princess Jinse Ma,” a deep voice said a step from Moondancer. “You have a good eye.”
The only reason that Moondancer didn’t scream was because she was far too startled too. A rush of adrenaline flooded her veins, making her heart beat like a train locomotive trying to make up for lost time.
“A thousand apologies, treasured customer.” A face appeared behind what seemed to be the shop’s counter. “I did not mean to startle. I was merely overjoyed that one of such refined taste had graced my humble shop. Please, please, continue. Pretend that this humble shopkeeper isn’t even here.”
“Th-thank you.” Moondancer blushed. That was embarrassing She reached for the dress, feeling the fabric with her hoof. “Umm, is this an antique shop?”
“Oh, my!” The shopkeeper chuckled. “You’ll have to forgive this forgetful shopkeeper,” he said as he lit a small oil lamp. “Seeing such a fine mare has made me completely forget my manners.” He cleared his throat. “Welcome to the End of all Things, where you could find find what your heart desires. I am Uncle Wing, the humble owner of this shop, who shall guide you through any questions you might have.”
“Moondancer.” The mare relaxed. A bit over the top, but still very nice. I wish more shops could be like this. “So it is an antique shop?”
“Dear child, this is no antique shop.” The shopkeeper chuckled once more. “Here, at the End of all Things, you won’t find trinkets of the past that have been tarnished by time. No, no, no, here you’ll find nothing but the pinnacle of perfection of eras past, present, and future!”
O-okay, now you lost me. Moondancer blinked. The sales pitch had started quite well, but Uncle Wing definitely needed to work on his closers. In this case a simple “yes” would have worked just fine.
“I see you are confused,” the shopkeeper noted with a smile.
Not really, Moondancer thought, but nodded nonetheless. The atmosphere of the shop compelled her to be courteous.
“Take the dress of princess Jinse Ma.” The shopkeeper pointed. “Is it not the pinnacle of elegance? It took thousands of years for the skills of dedication and learning for the artisans to create it. The design needed hundreds of instances to perfect. The silk that the inner veil was made of had been produced over the course of decades by silk-spiders exclusively raised on starberries.”
“So it is the best dress there was?” Moondancer’s ears perked up. The claim was bold to say the least, but looking at the outfit she couldn’t help but agree. I wonder what the full history of that dress is. It will probably fill an entire library section, at least!
“Not only that was.” The shopkeeper’s smile widened. “What you see is the best dress that was, is, and will be. That there is the end of the dress, the end of all dresses, an achievement that none other will surpass until the end of time!”
“I thought beauty and fashion were subjective.” Moondancer arched a brow.
“Yes, yes, of course, but that is the best of that type of dress. If you want the best of some other type of dress, I’ll gladly assist you in finding it. Just yesterday I received this one of a kind business dress, ideal for work, parties, and press interviews.”
“Oh,” Moondancer sighed. Flea-market. She stepped away from the ceremonial dress. What an anticlimax.
“Please, I’m telling you the truth!” Uncle Wing rushed from behind the counter. “Everything in this shop really is the best, in every literal and non-hyperbolic sense of the world!”
“Of course, it is.” Now you’re just trying too hard.
“Think of something you know is the best!” The shopkeeper insisted. “A toy, piece of jewelry, anything at all.”
“Very well.” I’ll humour you, but only because I enjoyed the story of the dress. Hmm, I wonder if I should buy it. It is rather breathtaking, even if I’ll hardly ever wear it... “Do you have the best book?”
“Oh.” The shopkeeper’s smile vanished, replaced by a drab expression. “Books...”
“What’s wrong with books?” Moondancer frowned. “Here are thousands of wonderful books! Books better our everyday lives! The whole reason that we are where we are is because of the knowledge stored in books! Without them we’ll be back in the dark ages, or worse!”
“Forgive me, valued customer. What you say is true. There are thousands of books. Who is to say which one of them is the best? I showed you one dress, yet even it is not the best in all circumstances.”
“So you’re telling me you can’t.” Moondancer narrowed her eyes. I expected as much.
“What I’m trying to say is that I humbly ask that you be a bit more specific?” The shopkeeper flashed a large smile. “The best work by A.K. Yearling, perhaps? There are many theories as to which of her Daring Do volumes that might be. The truth might surprise—“
“Shakemare’s sonnets,” Moondancer cut Wing short. It was hardly a polite thing to do, but the novelty of the place had quickly worn off, and with it her patience. “Do you have the best of Shakemare’s sonnets?”
“Shakemare,” The shopkeeper repeated the name slowly, stressing on every syllable. “Not a request I’ve often heard. Please, browse the store while this humble shopkeeper goes to find that which you ask.”
Moondancer watched him trot to the back of the shop and disappear behind a small door. No doubt he was going to go through his junk and return with a second edition of Shakemare’s Complete Sonnets. All Shakemare fans would unanimously agree that the specific tome was a must have for any collector. It wasn’t particularly rare, and by no means the best, yet available enough for everypony with enough bits to find one. If Wing actually came out with a first edition, that would be an entirely different matter. There were less than a thousand copies printed, most of which filled libraries and private collections.
What am I thinking? The mare shook her head. There’s no way we could have a first edition. For all she knew he might have gone to find an excuse for his failure.
While the unicorn was thinking, her hoof inadvertently moved to the ceremonial dress. The silk veil did feel incredibly smooth, far smoother than anything Moondancer had felt in her life. Then again, that could hardly be seen as a surprise; the vast majority of her wardrobe was composed of thick sweaters.
“Thank you for your patience, treasured customer!” The shopkeeper suddenly appeared, giving Moondancer another startle. “Your most humble servant has finally found what you ask.” He held a leather scroll case. “Behold, the pinnacle of Shakemare’s sonnets!”
Enough with the sales pitch, already. Moondancer sighed. The shopkeeper’s behaviour no longer amused her. Still, he had gone through some trouble to provide her with something, so the least she could do was take a look.
Levitating the scroll closer towards her, she opened it. As expected, there was a scroll inside. Less expected, the scroll held one of Shakemare’s sonnets written in Middle Equish. Moondancer read thought the first stanza. The penmanship was as masterful as the prose, executing every stroke with such perfection as if it were attempting to draw a painting using letters alone.
“This is an original!” Moondancer looked up in shock. “A perfectly preserved scroll of Shakemare’s Two Ponies Under the Stars! Have you any idea how extraordinarily rare this is!” She focused back on the scroll. “This is the final sonnet of Shakemare’s autumn series! Critics consider it her crowning achievement, going as far as to claim that it was—“
Moondancer froze. She levitated the scroll away. The shopkeeper was still there, smiling positively, a new air of mystery surrounding him.
“Going as far as to claim that it was the end of her career,” The mare finished her sentence. “Haycart even suggested that Shakemare was never able to produce anything of equal quality since.”
“I am but a humble shopkeeper, I know little in matters of literature.” The shopkeeper shrugged. “I do know that that’s the pinnacle of Shakemare’s work, and I my shop holds all pinnacles that have or will exist.” He beamed. “Unless special terms and conditions apply,” he added in rushed fashion.
“So this shop, really holds the end of all things?” Moondancer returned the scroll to its case.
“In a manner of speaking.” The shopkeeper shifted from leg to leg. “The name is not a direct hundred percent representation of the contents of the shop... but for most purposes, yes. Here you find the end of all things, the physical representation of notions that have reached their peak and cannot be surpassed now or ever.” Wing took the scroll case and placed it on one of the shelves. “I also accept all major forms of currency. Except gems.”
“But...” Moondancer felt her mouth had become dry. “Doesn’t it affect you?” It was the shopkeeper’s turn to arch a brow. “I mean you have surrounded yourself with the end of everything. How can you live like this? You will never experience anything better than what you already have. Isn’t that...” She swallowed. “Isn’t that depressing?”
If you already know the end what’s the point? The mystery of the shop had suddenly vanished, draining all the joy from Moondancer along with it. If she was to accept that the shop held the crowning achievement of everything conceived, what would be the point in trying to achieve anything?
“My valued, gentle customer,” the shopkeeper began softly. “I can tell you have a large heart. It is difficult to understand the End of all Things. Many have tried, many are yet to try, even I am trying and I’ve owned the shop for many years.” He laughed at the punchline. Moondancer could only cringe. “But don’t worry. Uncle Wing will let you in on a little secret,” he whispered moving closer. “The answer is variety. I showed you Shakemare’s crowning achievement, but have you seen somepony else’s best sonnet?” He winked.
Moondancer’s eyes grew wide. Of course! The end of all things! Even if every category of concept had a columniation point, with enough specificity there was a near infinite number of categories! There was no way to experience them all! She might have seen the end of Shakemare’s sonnets, but not her comedies, or her tragedies, or any of the other aspects of her work!
“I see you understand,” The shopkeeper said in a deep soothing voice. “Now, about Princess Jinse Ma‘s ceremonial dress... Do you want me to wrap it for you? Or will you put it on right away?”
I enjoyed this! I thought this was a creative take on the prompt. I liked Moondancer, and she was a fun choice of character, but she did get irritated a bit quickly for my tastes. I'm not quite sure why she was so distressed when she finally understood the store; because just because something ends up in there doesn't mean it's necessarily created yet or has been achieved yet. Don't ask for something from the future, and you can just strive for something that ends up in the shop... Though, at that point, her later realization of virtually infinite categories comes into play. I don't know how helpful my feedback is, though I felt the ending was a little abrupt, and I quite liked your descriptions. Good luck!
First entry to show up on my slate, and I have to admit, I'm on a nice start. There are some problems I'll tackle later. For now, Let's praise what's good.
As >>Kitcat36 said, this is a great interpretation of the prompt. Mixing a powerful concept, a shop that has the perfection of everything, with slice of life dialogs and a slow pace. Regarding the latter, I think you have a solid fundation, we have enough room to breathe and to get caught by the mystery surrounding the shop, but I believe it could be improve (Once again, I'll come back to it later).
As for the story itself, we have a complete arc. Even though the stakes aren't really high, we still have some, and the resolution wraps them up quite nicely.
I also want to add that I love the concept of the end of all things being in fact a beginning for something infinite. It's quite an interesting take on finity and infinity. And even though I would have liked to see the reflexion going further, I can't really blame you for choosing the story over the philosophical question, and I still believe there is enough material here to raise some interesting questions.
I believe the biggest problem is the execution. Not that there is something big in the execution, but it's rather a lot of small things that, added together, harms the story.
Let's start with one of the early sentences:
Why Moondancer would take a deep breath here? From what we know, the shop doesn't seem spooky or anything. It's almost a regular shop, one that Moondancer mistakes for a coffee-library. She isn't sure of that, but whatever she believes the shop is, taking a deep breath sounds like something you do when you're about to do something quite big. Unfortunately, entering a shop is something very common and down to earth, and, moreover, you didn't explain how different from a regular one this shop entering was.
Second point is Moondancer's inner thoughts. There are a lot of them, like a lot of a lot of them. While some of them are helpful to define her character (I wonder what the full history of that dress is. It will probably fill an entire library section, at least!), most of them are annoying, some even painful to read, like this one
I'm not a big fan of the big "SHOW DON'T TELL", but it exists for a reason. Here, Moondancer's thought is rather pointless. By simply saying that she nods, we understand the point. Add an adjective, like she "slowly nodded", or something like that, and you keep what you wanted to say in the first place.
Some other times, these inner thoughts feel like they are meant to be ours, Moondancer being our ship into the ocean. That's something common. However, you need to let your reader have its own space. As it is, you bluntly say how we're suppose to feel or react to the shopkeeper. Moondancer is pretty much pissed by his behaviour, but if I find it funny, I need to have space to laugh at his obsequiousness.
And finally, the amount of inner thoughts harms the indentification with Moondancer I'm guessing we were supposed to have. Having her inner thoughts directly written make them like dialogs, and thus, her voice become an external voice. By switching for indrect speech, we would feel her thoughts rather than hear them. Like this one:
Instead of having this big part, replace it with something like:
It's very far from being perfect, surely far from being good too, but I think you get my point.
And last, I'm not sure if Moondancer is a good choice for this story. I'm not saying she's a bad choice, mind you. I feel like she lacks some characterisation. Or maybe it's because I don't really care for the character aside from the single episode she was in (which was great). As it is, I feel like you could have chosen another pony and it wouldn't have make much of a difference.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, with all that have been said, I'm probably sounding harsh, but be assure that the story was far from being terrible. Like I said, it was an enjoyable tale, and you have a lot of great things in it. I believe that with some rework, you could either make a nice character piece about Moondancer, or something aiming more towards fairy tales (maybe both at the same time, who knows).
Also, if you belong to the authors submitting for the first time here, you should know that I'm not a native speaker, and that I usually don't know what I'm talking about. Thus, what you've read is probably completely off the mark.
As >>Kitcat36 said, this is a great interpretation of the prompt. Mixing a powerful concept, a shop that has the perfection of everything, with slice of life dialogs and a slow pace. Regarding the latter, I think you have a solid fundation, we have enough room to breathe and to get caught by the mystery surrounding the shop, but I believe it could be improve (Once again, I'll come back to it later).
As for the story itself, we have a complete arc. Even though the stakes aren't really high, we still have some, and the resolution wraps them up quite nicely.
I also want to add that I love the concept of the end of all things being in fact a beginning for something infinite. It's quite an interesting take on finity and infinity. And even though I would have liked to see the reflexion going further, I can't really blame you for choosing the story over the philosophical question, and I still believe there is enough material here to raise some interesting questions.
I believe the biggest problem is the execution. Not that there is something big in the execution, but it's rather a lot of small things that, added together, harms the story.
Let's start with one of the early sentences:
I guess there’s only one way to find out. Moondancer took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Why Moondancer would take a deep breath here? From what we know, the shop doesn't seem spooky or anything. It's almost a regular shop, one that Moondancer mistakes for a coffee-library. She isn't sure of that, but whatever she believes the shop is, taking a deep breath sounds like something you do when you're about to do something quite big. Unfortunately, entering a shop is something very common and down to earth, and, moreover, you didn't explain how different from a regular one this shop entering was.
Second point is Moondancer's inner thoughts. There are a lot of them, like a lot of a lot of them. While some of them are helpful to define her character (I wonder what the full history of that dress is. It will probably fill an entire library section, at least!), most of them are annoying, some even painful to read, like this one
Not really, Moondancer thought, but nodded nonetheless.
I'm not a big fan of the big "SHOW DON'T TELL", but it exists for a reason. Here, Moondancer's thought is rather pointless. By simply saying that she nods, we understand the point. Add an adjective, like she "slowly nodded", or something like that, and you keep what you wanted to say in the first place.
Some other times, these inner thoughts feel like they are meant to be ours, Moondancer being our ship into the ocean. That's something common. However, you need to let your reader have its own space. As it is, you bluntly say how we're suppose to feel or react to the shopkeeper. Moondancer is pretty much pissed by his behaviour, but if I find it funny, I need to have space to laugh at his obsequiousness.
And finally, the amount of inner thoughts harms the indentification with Moondancer I'm guessing we were supposed to have. Having her inner thoughts directly written make them like dialogs, and thus, her voice become an external voice. By switching for indrect speech, we would feel her thoughts rather than hear them. Like this one:
“Very well.” I’ll humour you, but only because I enjoyed the story of the dress. Hmm, I wonder if I should buy it. It is rather breathtaking, even if I’ll hardly ever wear it... “Do you have the best book?”
Instead of having this big part, replace it with something like:
“Very well.” The story of the dress had been quite pleasant to hear, and Moondancer was willing to give the shopkeeper a chance. She thought about what she could ask for a moment before the obvious answer came to her mind. “Do you have the best book?”
It's very far from being perfect, surely far from being good too, but I think you get my point.
And last, I'm not sure if Moondancer is a good choice for this story. I'm not saying she's a bad choice, mind you. I feel like she lacks some characterisation. Or maybe it's because I don't really care for the character aside from the single episode she was in (which was great). As it is, I feel like you could have chosen another pony and it wouldn't have make much of a difference.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, with all that have been said, I'm probably sounding harsh, but be assure that the story was far from being terrible. Like I said, it was an enjoyable tale, and you have a lot of great things in it. I believe that with some rework, you could either make a nice character piece about Moondancer, or something aiming more towards fairy tales (maybe both at the same time, who knows).
Also, if you belong to the authors submitting for the first time here, you should know that I'm not a native speaker, and that I usually don't know what I'm talking about. Thus, what you've read is probably completely off the mark.
A very clever take on the prompt.
All in all, I enjoyed this. Other folks have already mentioned that it's a bit abrupt, I think it even maybe feels a bit like it was rushed, but it shows clear outside-the-box thinking and creative potential.
Thumbs up!
All in all, I enjoyed this. Other folks have already mentioned that it's a bit abrupt, I think it even maybe feels a bit like it was rushed, but it shows clear outside-the-box thinking and creative potential.
Thumbs up!
I love the "mysterious shop of untold wonders" trope. Couldn't say exactly why but I do, and so I started reading with a smile on my face. I'm happy to report I kept smiling 'til the end.
As others have said, kudos on the creative take on the prompt. I also liked the interactions between Moondancer and the shopkeeper, and only wish they could've kept talking a bit more. Besides that, I'll just agree with >>Fenton's take on how her inner dialogue could've been better integrated into the narrative. And, yeah, the ending felt too abrupt. A paragraph or two would've help wrap up the story and end on a stronger note.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and can't wait to see it expnded.
As others have said, kudos on the creative take on the prompt. I also liked the interactions between Moondancer and the shopkeeper, and only wish they could've kept talking a bit more. Besides that, I'll just agree with >>Fenton's take on how her inner dialogue could've been better integrated into the narrative. And, yeah, the ending felt too abrupt. A paragraph or two would've help wrap up the story and end on a stronger note.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and can't wait to see it expnded.
As others have said, this was a novel interpretation of the prompt
There were a noticeable number of grammatical hiccups, but not too major. You'd want to have someone go over it before posting, but it's fine for a writeoff piece.
One thing that bugged me - there was never any mention of the price, and barely any of payment. That's particularly critical at a magical mystery shop, but even if Moondancer isn't particularly genre savvy, it's still pretty integral to the shop experience.
Granted his claims are hard to believe, but given the quality of the dress that Moondancer has been observing, going to fleamarket
Special terms and conditions? That's worth digging into.
It was an interesting choice for her to go down the path of existential anxt. Not what I would have expected, but it worked.
Overall, an enjoyable tale. With mystery shops, the real intrigue is often in unraveling the back story, which wasn't touched on here, but it still made for an interesting take on the concept.
There were a noticeable number of grammatical hiccups, but not too major. You'd want to have someone go over it before posting, but it's fine for a writeoff piece.
One thing that bugged me - there was never any mention of the price, and barely any of payment. That's particularly critical at a magical mystery shop, but even if Moondancer isn't particularly genre savvy, it's still pretty integral to the shop experience.
Granted his claims are hard to believe, but given the quality of the dress that Moondancer has been observing, going to fleamarket
Special terms and conditions? That's worth digging into.
It was an interesting choice for her to go down the path of existential anxt. Not what I would have expected, but it worked.
Overall, an enjoyable tale. With mystery shops, the real intrigue is often in unraveling the back story, which wasn't touched on here, but it still made for an interesting take on the concept.
Sorry, but I've got little to add that hasn't already been stated by those more able to express the same points I would have made. A good story. Interesting use of the prompt, and not too fond of the excessive inner monologue.
I think I see why you used Moondancer though. It's like having a more cynical, salty version of Twilight. You get to play around with how she might act a bit more because of her limited development, but avoid the need to invent some random OC for the occasion. When you say "Moondancer" It brings to mind all the things we know about her -Abrupt, cynical and unwilling to put up with nonsense- without having to spell all these details out.
One other thing that bugged me was that the shopkeeper, Wing (thank you for not naming him Wong) Seemed to be going for that over-the-top Chinese mystery pawnshop owner. But somewhere in the middle of the story, his act seems to slip a little. It seemed that once you got the introduction down, you forgot to keep writing him in that manner.
I think I see why you used Moondancer though. It's like having a more cynical, salty version of Twilight. You get to play around with how she might act a bit more because of her limited development, but avoid the need to invent some random OC for the occasion. When you say "Moondancer" It brings to mind all the things we know about her -Abrupt, cynical and unwilling to put up with nonsense- without having to spell all these details out.
One other thing that bugged me was that the shopkeeper, Wing (thank you for not naming him Wong) Seemed to be going for that over-the-top Chinese mystery pawnshop owner. But somewhere in the middle of the story, his act seems to slip a little. It seemed that once you got the introduction down, you forgot to keep writing him in that manner.
This is a good story with excellent mood, but it relies on a stale trope (there is no need for it to be Asian to be 'exotic'—I'd prefer a businesspony or an alien to an Asian stereotype), and more importantly it altogether lacks conflict.
So I think this is a really good start to a story, and the writing is good, but it needs more than the setup.
So I think this is a really good start to a story, and the writing is good, but it needs more than the setup.
I quite enjoyed this! It wasn't without its flaws: the shopkeep being asian is a bit of an overused cliche, the pacing felt rushed throughout and particularly at the end, and it was at times much wordier than it needed to be. But the premise was interesting, the exploration of it felt easy and natural, and I could imagine this shop existing in Equestria -- with all the magic and what.
If I had to give one suggestion to improve it, it would be that it doesn't foreshadow Moondancer's fear of being overshadowed, so her revelation at the end that one perfect item isn't all there is (as it were) doesn't feel terribly emotionally meaningful. While the story isn't really about her personal arc, I think building that up a bit more would make the ending feel more solid.
Still, quite good.
If I had to give one suggestion to improve it, it would be that it doesn't foreshadow Moondancer's fear of being overshadowed, so her revelation at the end that one perfect item isn't all there is (as it were) doesn't feel terribly emotionally meaningful. While the story isn't really about her personal arc, I think building that up a bit more would make the ending feel more solid.
Still, quite good.
Mysterious shop with no one in it? So it's run by the devil/wizard/etc. and will probably disappear the next day after the item purchased goes horribly wrong (of course.) :-)
A few typos are showing up here and there, enough to start getting distracting, but on the upside, obviously "oopses", not lack of skill from the author.
The premise, once explained by the shopkeeper, is a very interesting take on the prompt.
Moondancer's internal thoughts are (often) distracting. We can tell the shopkeeper is "overselling" or "annoying" and such, because we're shown how he's acting. MD thinking again what was just shown is basically telling us what we just saw.
MD's also way too quick to accept the truth of the shop's claim. She goes from incredulous one moment, and skips right past doubt, acceptance, testing, etc. to thinking about the long term implications for the shopkeeper, asking how he could stand it... all in like two paragraphs. And then is depressed about it herself a sentence later.
And then reverses it.
And then it ends.
Alright, this story has a very cool take on the prompt, and the actual plot points in this story all line up nicely. The pacing, however, is way off. As mentioned, Moondancer's italicized thoughts mostly just repeat what was just shown in the action or dialog, slowing things. The reveal of the shop itself is an infodump from the shopkeeper, rather than a "discovery." And the last few paragraphs go from incredulity, to accepting sadness, to understanding and hapiness in like three lines.
In other words, this is a story with four beats to hit, but the first takes most of the story, and the final three pile up at the end. If this was reworked, and those beats spread out a bit, this could be really great however.
A few typos are showing up here and there, enough to start getting distracting, but on the upside, obviously "oopses", not lack of skill from the author.
The premise, once explained by the shopkeeper, is a very interesting take on the prompt.
Moondancer's internal thoughts are (often) distracting. We can tell the shopkeeper is "overselling" or "annoying" and such, because we're shown how he's acting. MD thinking again what was just shown is basically telling us what we just saw.
MD's also way too quick to accept the truth of the shop's claim. She goes from incredulous one moment, and skips right past doubt, acceptance, testing, etc. to thinking about the long term implications for the shopkeeper, asking how he could stand it... all in like two paragraphs. And then is depressed about it herself a sentence later.
And then reverses it.
And then it ends.
Alright, this story has a very cool take on the prompt, and the actual plot points in this story all line up nicely. The pacing, however, is way off. As mentioned, Moondancer's italicized thoughts mostly just repeat what was just shown in the action or dialog, slowing things. The reveal of the shop itself is an infodump from the shopkeeper, rather than a "discovery." And the last few paragraphs go from incredulity, to accepting sadness, to understanding and hapiness in like three lines.
In other words, this is a story with four beats to hit, but the first takes most of the story, and the final three pile up at the end. If this was reworked, and those beats spread out a bit, this could be really great however.
You know the drill here.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=11dUkzTOiVDNFG96__uS9jeDkmjb_n3TB
https://drive.google.com/open?id=11dUkzTOiVDNFG96__uS9jeDkmjb_n3TB
>>Kitcat36>>Pascoite>>Fenton>>zaponator>>Zaid Val'Roa>>Caliaponia>>Lamplighter>>Trick_Question>>GaPJaxie>>Xepher>>AndrewRogue
I agree with everything... except one thing. It’s not a cliché, it’s canon :P
https://youtu.be/o494WLBFjj0
I present Uncle Wing (a.k.a. Shopkeeper based on Mlp wikia)
I agree with everything... except one thing. It’s not a cliché, it’s canon :P
https://youtu.be/o494WLBFjj0
I present Uncle Wing (a.k.a. Shopkeeper based on Mlp wikia)
>>LiseEclaire
Those aren't mutually exclusive categories. :pinkiesmile:
I didn't see the shopkeeper here as the one from Magic Duel, because the latter didn't appear to be supernatural in nature. Either way, it's a minor quibble.
Those aren't mutually exclusive categories. :pinkiesmile:
I didn't see the shopkeeper here as the one from Magic Duel, because the latter didn't appear to be supernatural in nature. Either way, it's a minor quibble.