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A Talk With Yourself
Cherilee awoke to a ray of sunlight shining on her eyes. "Damnit," she mumbled. "Did I leave the window open again?" With a groan, she rolled out of bed, and immediately fell to the floor.
"What the?" She pushed herself up to look at the bed. Only, it was actually the couch. "What on Earth—"
"Sorry about that."
Cherilee gasped and whirled around. Standing in her kitchen doorway was a woman that looked exactly like her. In that instant, everything came back to her: the night at the bar after the fight, and then the sudden appearance of her twin. Sweetie Belle had told her of a woman like her, but seeing it didn't make it less impossible to believe.
"What are you doing in my house!?" she blurted.
Other-Cherilee scratched the back of her head, and then flung it back onto the wall. "Being bipedal is harder than I would've imagined," she said with a chuckle. "See, when we met last night—"
"Where did you come from?"
"From Equestria."
"What?"
"It'll take some time to explain," Other-Cherilee said calmly. "Anyway, after I found you in the bar, and we met, you screamed and immediately passed out. Do you have any sugar cubes? I'm dying for a sugar cube right about now."
Cherilee stammered. This lady's crazy! "How did you find me?"
Now Other-Cherilee's countenance hardened. "Right, I suppose I should explain that. It's the reason I'm here, after all."
Other-Cherilee staggered into the living room waving her arms around to keep her balance. Human-Cherilee watched, stunned, as the other woman fell forward onto her arms and knees. She was about to help the other woman up, but Other-Cherilee's crawled onto the couch. With a sigh, she set the coffee onto the table and sat down next to Other-Cherilee.
Definitely nuts.
"So?"
"Right." Other-Cherilee sat up straight, like a proper woman. It made her feel uncomfortable. "My students at Ponyville Elementary (this prompted an eyeroll from Human-Cherilee) have somehow managed to become pen pals with some students from your school."
"Hah! Leave it to those three to get into something they shouldn't."
"I think it's sweet. Trans-dimensional communication could open up a whole new field of education, and help us all make some new friends! Doesn't that excite you?"
"Yeah, right. Trans-dimensional nonsense. So somehow those girls got a hold of you. Did you dress up as me just to impersonate me?"
"...I take it you don't believe me."
"Not at all."
"Well, that's not relevant." Other-Cherilee shook her head. "What is relevant is that they've been talking about how miserable you are."
Cherilee scoffed. "Me, miserable? Well, I will have a talk with those girls once I get to Canterlot High!" She looked over at her living-room clock. "Speaking of which, I must be getting ready, so excuse me."
Other-Cherilee didn't falter, or even look insulted; instead, her eyes softened. "Cherilee, your students—"
"I don't have students! I'm a teacher's assistant."
"Okay, fine. Those girls have been telling me that you're very harsh on them." Cherilee walked away, but Other-Cherilee continued talking. "You berate them for trying out new things—"
"That's because they're not very good at them." Cherilee slammed the door behind her; Other-Cherilee hadn't followed. "They should be focusing on their education, not on stupid music videos and that junk."
"They say you smoke whenever you're feeling down.
"So?" That reminded her to reach for her cigarette box on her dresser. "It's a free country."
"They say that you don't like spending time with other staff members."
"They're all old."
"Or other students."
"Yeah, well, they ask a lot of stupid questions, and do stupid things, and think too long!"
"They're learning," Other-Cherilee said emphatically. "They're students. Do you want them not to think?"
"Waiting for them is hard!"
"Being a teacher is hard. You can't change that—"
"Will you just shut up!" Cherilee finally snapped. "Just get out of my house!"
And then it was quiet. A shutting door signaled peace, for now. The nerve of that woman, coming into my house, telling me how to live my life! 'Teaching is hard!' Well, eveyrthing shouldn't be so...
Her anger stopped her mouth, and only the cigarette smoke could calm her. A restraining order would have to be filed. And then she could go back to her normal life.
She sighed bitterly.
Outside, Pony-Cherilee rubbed her temples.
"Dear me," she said under her breath. "The poor thing. We've got a lot of work to do."
"What the?" She pushed herself up to look at the bed. Only, it was actually the couch. "What on Earth—"
"Sorry about that."
Cherilee gasped and whirled around. Standing in her kitchen doorway was a woman that looked exactly like her. In that instant, everything came back to her: the night at the bar after the fight, and then the sudden appearance of her twin. Sweetie Belle had told her of a woman like her, but seeing it didn't make it less impossible to believe.
"What are you doing in my house!?" she blurted.
Other-Cherilee scratched the back of her head, and then flung it back onto the wall. "Being bipedal is harder than I would've imagined," she said with a chuckle. "See, when we met last night—"
"Where did you come from?"
"From Equestria."
"What?"
"It'll take some time to explain," Other-Cherilee said calmly. "Anyway, after I found you in the bar, and we met, you screamed and immediately passed out. Do you have any sugar cubes? I'm dying for a sugar cube right about now."
Cherilee stammered. This lady's crazy! "How did you find me?"
Now Other-Cherilee's countenance hardened. "Right, I suppose I should explain that. It's the reason I'm here, after all."
Other-Cherilee staggered into the living room waving her arms around to keep her balance. Human-Cherilee watched, stunned, as the other woman fell forward onto her arms and knees. She was about to help the other woman up, but Other-Cherilee's crawled onto the couch. With a sigh, she set the coffee onto the table and sat down next to Other-Cherilee.
Definitely nuts.
"So?"
"Right." Other-Cherilee sat up straight, like a proper woman. It made her feel uncomfortable. "My students at Ponyville Elementary (this prompted an eyeroll from Human-Cherilee) have somehow managed to become pen pals with some students from your school."
"Hah! Leave it to those three to get into something they shouldn't."
"I think it's sweet. Trans-dimensional communication could open up a whole new field of education, and help us all make some new friends! Doesn't that excite you?"
"Yeah, right. Trans-dimensional nonsense. So somehow those girls got a hold of you. Did you dress up as me just to impersonate me?"
"...I take it you don't believe me."
"Not at all."
"Well, that's not relevant." Other-Cherilee shook her head. "What is relevant is that they've been talking about how miserable you are."
Cherilee scoffed. "Me, miserable? Well, I will have a talk with those girls once I get to Canterlot High!" She looked over at her living-room clock. "Speaking of which, I must be getting ready, so excuse me."
Other-Cherilee didn't falter, or even look insulted; instead, her eyes softened. "Cherilee, your students—"
"I don't have students! I'm a teacher's assistant."
"Okay, fine. Those girls have been telling me that you're very harsh on them." Cherilee walked away, but Other-Cherilee continued talking. "You berate them for trying out new things—"
"That's because they're not very good at them." Cherilee slammed the door behind her; Other-Cherilee hadn't followed. "They should be focusing on their education, not on stupid music videos and that junk."
"They say you smoke whenever you're feeling down.
"So?" That reminded her to reach for her cigarette box on her dresser. "It's a free country."
"They say that you don't like spending time with other staff members."
"They're all old."
"Or other students."
"Yeah, well, they ask a lot of stupid questions, and do stupid things, and think too long!"
"They're learning," Other-Cherilee said emphatically. "They're students. Do you want them not to think?"
"Waiting for them is hard!"
"Being a teacher is hard. You can't change that—"
"Will you just shut up!" Cherilee finally snapped. "Just get out of my house!"
And then it was quiet. A shutting door signaled peace, for now. The nerve of that woman, coming into my house, telling me how to live my life! 'Teaching is hard!' Well, eveyrthing shouldn't be so...
Her anger stopped her mouth, and only the cigarette smoke could calm her. A restraining order would have to be filed. And then she could go back to her normal life.
She sighed bitterly.
Outside, Pony-Cherilee rubbed her temples.
"Dear me," she said under her breath. "The poor thing. We've got a lot of work to do."
This really suffered from being too short. A lot of things were confusing, too. She...scratched her head and flung it back onto the wall? What? Where did human-Cheerilee's coffee come from? What happened at the bar? I get that that last question isn't terribly relevant to the story, but after the mention in the very beginning about a fight at the bar, I thought it was going to be important, and expected at least a little explanation. I liked how the dialogue of the two Cheeriliees was distinctive--I could tell which one was talking by what she said easily, and they sounded quite different. That said, I do wish there was a little something giving some oomph, maybe a turn of phrase or mannerism unique to one of the characters. There is a need for a bit more editing, too. Nothing too huge, but a few things could maybe be worded a bit more smoothly. This is my perspective from the first read through, by the way. A lot seems clearer on the second go-round, but you need to really hook your readers during the first. Ahhh, I don't know, I hope other people are more helpful! I liked this concept quite a bit, though. Just needs some more polish.
Ooh, a human ponidox. You have my interest.
This is a very intriguing premise, but sadly, it’s only the beginning of a larger story. I do look forward to reading that—pony Cheerilee’s blend of wisdom and naivete is enjoyably novel, and her human counterpart clearly has a lot to learn—but right now, all I have is a preview.
That being said, depending on when this takes place in the EqG timeline, human Cheerilee’s skepticism feels deeply arbitrary. Any faculty member at Canterlot High is going to be hard-pressed to not believe in magic horse people after everything that’s happened there. Establish when and why a bit more concretely in the expanded version and you’ll fix that issue.
This is a very intriguing premise, but sadly, it’s only the beginning of a larger story. I do look forward to reading that—pony Cheerilee’s blend of wisdom and naivete is enjoyably novel, and her human counterpart clearly has a lot to learn—but right now, all I have is a preview.
That being said, depending on when this takes place in the EqG timeline, human Cheerilee’s skepticism feels deeply arbitrary. Any faculty member at Canterlot High is going to be hard-pressed to not believe in magic horse people after everything that’s happened there. Establish when and why a bit more concretely in the expanded version and you’ll fix that issue.
Well, it's a good start.
But yeah, this is hard to judge, because although it's an interesting setup, it really doesn't give much of anything in the way of development or resolution. I wouldn't mind seeing more of this, but as it is, I can't really say much.
Seems like a good start, though.
But yeah, this is hard to judge, because although it's an interesting setup, it really doesn't give much of anything in the way of development or resolution. I wouldn't mind seeing more of this, but as it is, I can't really say much.
Seems like a good start, though.
The premise of this fic is a good one. There are lots of EQG inconsistencies to exploit, but this is one of the best I've seen lately. (My first fic for this competition was going to be an EQG fic on a similar inconsistency, but after four hours of writing and almost finishing it, it wasn't building a message that meant something to me, so I scrapped it.)
I'm curious how the CMC managed to become penpals. I realize that in a fic this size that's not likely to be touched upon, but I'd like to know that the author thought this through before the fact...
With this one sentence, you accidentally changed from rainbow-person Cheerilee's perspective to third-pony-omniscient, which was a big mistake. If you start with the perspective inside rainbow-person Cheerilee's head, and you're focusing on the story through her eyes, stay there. (Until the section break, of course.)
But I suppose you might have meant to write, "It seemed to make her feel uncomfortable.", which would have worked.
Anyway, the main problem I see is there's a little too much telliness from Cheerilee's perspective. I think you should reduce the quantity of value judgments we're getting directly from Cheerilee's headspace—save some of that stuff for the reader to interpret. Even if you're inside her head, you should try in most cases to show us what we (the readers) should feel rather than tell us what we should be thinking or feeling.
Did you intend for the line break to pull the sentence apart like that? It's kind of cool, but too distracting. It would work if it had a much deeper meaning or some other special importance to it.
I think the ending is a little weak, even though it isn't a bad ending—it's just very short and tells us something we already knew. I'd like a little more than this to go on, like a plan, or maybe just a sign that there's more brewing. I'd expect Cheerilee to contact somepony else on the EQG side before crossing over.
I'm curious how the CMC managed to become penpals. I realize that in a fic this size that's not likely to be touched upon, but I'd like to know that the author thought this through before the fact...
It made her feel uncomfortable.
With this one sentence, you accidentally changed from rainbow-person Cheerilee's perspective to third-pony-omniscient, which was a big mistake. If you start with the perspective inside rainbow-person Cheerilee's head, and you're focusing on the story through her eyes, stay there. (Until the section break, of course.)
But I suppose you might have meant to write, "It seemed to make her feel uncomfortable.", which would have worked.
Anyway, the main problem I see is there's a little too much telliness from Cheerilee's perspective. I think you should reduce the quantity of value judgments we're getting directly from Cheerilee's headspace—save some of that stuff for the reader to interpret. Even if you're inside her head, you should try in most cases to show us what we (the readers) should feel rather than tell us what we should be thinking or feeling.
Did you intend for the line break to pull the sentence apart like that? It's kind of cool, but too distracting. It would work if it had a much deeper meaning or some other special importance to it.
I think the ending is a little weak, even though it isn't a bad ending—it's just very short and tells us something we already knew. I'd like a little more than this to go on, like a plan, or maybe just a sign that there's more brewing. I'd expect Cheerilee to contact somepony else on the EQG side before crossing over.
My students at Ponyville Elementary (this prompted an eyeroll from Human-Cherilee) have somehow managed to become pen pals with some students from your school.
This, right there, looked VERY promising! I'd gladly read a story about the human CMC and pony CMC communicating with each other (and possibly giving each other very bad ideas?) I was rather disappointed when it turned out it was just to set-up a different premise entirely -- that of Cherilee teaching Cherilee to teach -- which feels much less interesting in my opinion.
Another interesting premise that sadly doesn't really go anywhere in the length of the story given. This one in particular suffers from a lot of wasted wordcount. For example:
You literally have a character explaining that they should be explaining things instead of actually explaining things. Several more paragraphs worth of text are effectively pointless for similar reasons. In a long story, this matters less, but when word count is critical, the delayed explanation cliche moves from "merely annoying" and into "deadly sin" territory.
A lot of text is also wasted on red herrings. There's mention of a bar, and cheerilee wakes up on the couch, seemingly drunk/confused. But neither of these matter to the plot. Other-cheerilee falls to all-fours, but... nothing happens (totally expected her to turn pony.) Basically the only thing in the story that matters is that EQG Cheerilee is a disgruntled educator. But we understand that in two or three sentences. The rest of the story does very, very little to expound on that, beyond showing pony-Cheerilee as intending to fix that (somehow, which isn't clear at all.)
"Right, I suppose I should explain that. It's the reason I'm here, after all."
You literally have a character explaining that they should be explaining things instead of actually explaining things. Several more paragraphs worth of text are effectively pointless for similar reasons. In a long story, this matters less, but when word count is critical, the delayed explanation cliche moves from "merely annoying" and into "deadly sin" territory.
A lot of text is also wasted on red herrings. There's mention of a bar, and cheerilee wakes up on the couch, seemingly drunk/confused. But neither of these matter to the plot. Other-cheerilee falls to all-fours, but... nothing happens (totally expected her to turn pony.) Basically the only thing in the story that matters is that EQG Cheerilee is a disgruntled educator. But we understand that in two or three sentences. The rest of the story does very, very little to expound on that, beyond showing pony-Cheerilee as intending to fix that (somehow, which isn't clear at all.)
So this is what Cheerilee's doing with her doctorate...
I'm experiencing literary blueballs, because this story has no resolution, and that upsets me. And it makes it difficult for me to fairly judge this, because it's not a complete story. It's funny, and I like the idea, and I like how distinct the characters are but it's not a complete story. This is the beginning of a story where Horse!Cheerilee helps People!Cheerilee rediscover her passion for teaching. Taken on its own, it's just a conversation between a bitter young woman and her doppelganger that ends poorly.
I'm experiencing literary blueballs, because this story has no resolution, and that upsets me. And it makes it difficult for me to fairly judge this, because it's not a complete story. It's funny, and I like the idea, and I like how distinct the characters are but it's not a complete story. This is the beginning of a story where Horse!Cheerilee helps People!Cheerilee rediscover her passion for teaching. Taken on its own, it's just a conversation between a bitter young woman and her doppelganger that ends poorly.
So Pony!Cheerilee managed to drag unconscious human!Cheerilee back home from the bar, but still hasn't figured out how to walk on two legs?
I suppose that if this takes place between Rainbow Rocks and Friendship Games, it would be conceivable that communication and travel across the dimensions could be possible, but most of Canterlot High wouldn't have figured out that there are alternate versions of themselves in the other world. It still seems odd that human!Cheerilee would have such a hard time accepting it after everything that happened in the first two movies though.
Like everyone else has said, I think this is a great start for a story, but it really doesn't stand on its own very well.
I suppose that if this takes place between Rainbow Rocks and Friendship Games, it would be conceivable that communication and travel across the dimensions could be possible, but most of Canterlot High wouldn't have figured out that there are alternate versions of themselves in the other world. It still seems odd that human!Cheerilee would have such a hard time accepting it after everything that happened in the first two movies though.
Like everyone else has said, I think this is a great start for a story, but it really doesn't stand on its own very well.