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The Morning After · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Breaking the Mold
Three ponies lay on the grass outside the castle, a pregnant Moon shining above them.

It was only cuddling. There hadn't even been any kissing. It made sense to go slow, though. Princess Twilight Sparkle had never been intimate with a stallion... much less two at once.

"Ohh, Flash... er, I mean, Flashes," she corrected, pulling the identical ponies close. One Flash Sentry cuddled her from the right. The other embraced her left flank. They nuzzled against her cheeks and hugged her barrel, warming her physically and emotionally.

"What luck that rainbow-person Flash decided to visit Equestria on the same day our Flash arrived from the Crystal Kingdom!" bubbled a giddy Twilight. The Flash on her right stifled a laugh. Twilight couldn't remember which one was which. She couldn't even recall how they'd arrived in the courtyard, but none of that mattered now...

Suddenly, Princess Luna's face appeared in the Moon and made direct eye-contact with Twilight. Wide-eyed and blushing, the lunar princess quickly ducked out of sight.

"Luna?" panted Twilight. Neither Flash appeared to notice.

"JustpassingthroughTwilightSparklegoodbyefornowandIsawnoFlashes!" echoed a nervous voice from the sky.

"Oh no. It's a dream," whispered Twilight, as reality began to sink in. "I'm in a sick, perverted dream, and Princess Luna just witnessed it firsthoof."

She paused in thought while the cuddles continued. Luna surely sees much worse than this every evening, Twilight rationalized. The stars above began flickering strangely.

Twilight turned her head and saw an indistinct orange blob where one of the Flash Sentries lay. Her lucidity was fading, even as the crisp sensation of hugging continued.

"Don't leave me!" she begged, embarrassed and confused. A groggy dizziness wrenched hard on her mind, and she woke.




Princess Twilight Sparkle lay in her spacious palace bed, the covers pulled down to her flanks. The wonderful hugging sensation remained on both sides. She was afraid to move a muscle.

"It's a hypnopompic state," she whispered, closing her eyes. "If I don't move, the hugging might stay..."

"It's fine, Twilight," said a familiar voice. "We won't let go that easily."

Twilight reopened her eyes and looked to her left. "St-Starlight Glimmer?" she gasped. Her protege was embracing her. Firmly. In her bed.

A high-pitched giggle resounded from the other side. "We can cuddle as long as you like," teased another all-too familiar voice, followed by a peck on her cheek. It was a very small kiss—but Twilight blushed and her jaw dropped open.

It couldn't be. This was impossible. Twilight refused to look, but an azure hoof gripped her chin and tugged her muzzle around to face...

Twilight was certain the look on her face was one of absolute horror, yet the unicorn in front of her grinned broadly.

"TRIXIE?" yelped Twilight. Her wings opened, pressing downward against the bedcovers as her hind legs kicked. The action detached her from the collective embrace, forcing her back against the headboard.

"Twilight, are you okay?" asked Starlight Glimmer. She wore a barely-visible smirk.

"But... Starlight? TRIXIE? Why, what... TRIXIE? My bed, this, where, what? Why!? TRIXIE?!?" Twilight shook in place, making a knocking sound against the headboard.

"Not quite how you said Trixie's name last night," noted Trixie. "But the frequency and volume match."

"You're—but you're mares! And, I, well, you're... Trixie!" Twilight began hyperventilating. "This isn't real."

Starlight Glimmer looked concerned. "It's okay, Twilight. New experiences are an important part of life. I learned that from you," she said.

"But how... oh no. Cider season," realized Twilight, shaking her head. "I... I need a bath." She flew directly out the bedroom door, avoiding the master bathroom entirely.




Both mares waited a minute before breaking into peals of laughter.

"I can't believe you actually kissed her!" said Starlight Glimmer, eyes wide. "It was tiny, but still!"

"Hay, it was for a good cause!" mock-pouted Trixie.

"It was a risk," grimaced Starlight. "What if she... reciprocated?"

"That was already a chance! And she hates Trixie," said Trixie, rolling her eyes. "But..."

Starlight Glimmer raised a brow.

"Maybe it wouldn't be totally awful," whispered Trixie.

Starlight gasped, then bit at her lower lip. "This... it was supposed to be a joke, Trixie," she said.

Trixie shrugged. "Fine, Trixie admits it. Twilight grows on you. Like mold. And have you ever seen a pony that happy?"

"Dear Celestia," sighed Starlight Glimmer. "We're going to tease the poor filly again, aren't we?"

Trixie just smiled and pulled her lover close for a kiss.

(The other kind of kiss, that is.)
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#1 · 2
· · >>Moosetasm >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
Oh my.

Oh my.[/takei]

I get the feeling we’re going to be getting a lot like this one. It’s the obvious route, but this travels it in style. Still, the bit with Luna ends up being more interesting than you meant it to be. It was likely intended as a gag, but you’ve left me wanting to see how it goes the next time Luna and Twilight meet in the waking world. That’s sure to be enjoyably awkward for the onlookers.

The meat of the story was cute, but I still found myself wanting more afterwards. Not of that scene, necessarily, just further exploration of this scenario and those involved. This is going in interesting directions. A shame it had to end here.
#2 ·
·
>>FanOfMostEverything
[takei]Aaaaand the horse you rode in on[/takei]
#3 · 2
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
I'm dispensing with my usual review format because I'm unsure if I can give this a high rating or if I need to abstain. I think the story's setup is very strong and funny, but I find the prank itself really off-putting. I could maybe see Trixie going for this... maybe... and BTW, clever use of the title in there. I just struggle and fail to see Starlight doing something like this to Twilight, and that's overpowering my appreciation for the execution here. I also end up wondering (because if Starlight went this far, why not go full-on) if the dream itself is part of a mind-screw spell to help set things up, and that doesn't assuage any of my oogy feelings here.
#4 · 1
· · >>Trick_Question
>>CoffeeMinion
After some consideration, and seeing the lack of other reviews, it's probably better if I give this a Strong rating on the basis of its technical merits rather than leave it as an Abstain. I just can't quite get into this one, but neither can I deny it's well-done.
#5 · 1
·
>>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion
I haven't reviewed this one yet (I'm trying to go in the order they appear in my Gallery) but I've seen enough short and provoking comments that I went and read it out of order. :facehoof: I'll do a proper review once I finally get here, but I wanted to throw in my two cents now because you've hit on something important.

I agree completely with it being disturbing (this is nearly tantamount to rape, tbh), but it doesn't bother me as much partly because it seems intended to be on the less-serious side of comedy, but also because I have a sneaking suspicion one of the issues here is the word limit.

Minifics are hard to cut: nearly three quarters of the stories this time are within ten words of the limit. I see in the Gallery that this is one of the 750-words-exactly stories (although I suspect some authors actually try for 750 so they don't feel like they're wasting words, in which case maybe that isn't the problem). Anyway, I can envision some simple fixes that would remove most of the creep factor, with the main one being SG and Trixie telling Twilight it was only cuddling and not sex, and Twilight seeming less freaked out... but they all require more text, and that would probably cut out some comedy.

So yeah, I find this more disturbing than Three Unicorn Tail Hairs (which, by the way, I've been exaggerating my mood a little so I'll probably go post an addendum on there next—it's much less disturbing now that I realize he wasn't doing what it seemed like he was doing), but it's got an easier fix. Except then the "frequency and volume" joke doesn't fit as well. Hmm.

I'll review this when I get here, hopefully later today.
#6 · 1
·
Okay! This one. Right. Time to repeat what I just said, but more directly.

I have one issue: SG&T's actions seem pretty rapey. On one hoof: no, they didn't do anything more than cuddle Twilight for maybe a few minutes. On the other hoof: they made her think she did unmentionable things when she wasn't able to consent. For me, this is just barely crossing the border into Creep County... but it does cross it.

I think there's an easy fix: have SG&T inform Twilight that they didn't do anything other than cuddle, and calm Twilight down just a little bit before she flees. I suspect this would have been in the story already, if you'd had more horse words to work with.

The bottom line: even in a comedy, unless it's totally random (which this def is not), you have an obligation to have characters behave within reasonable bounds or your readers will get squicked. This is what happened to me with the Gem story, for example—I couldn't handle seeing Rarity psychologically abuse her son like that, and Spike sit there and watch it happen. If you go there in a mostly-realistic story, it's not going to leave most of your readers laughing.

All of that said, I enjoyed this story, and I laughed. That one fix would be enough to make me happy. I do think that >>FanOfMostEverything may have a point about Luna being a distraction, but the story didn't seem to be about Luna so it didn't feel like a loose end in my read.

I suspect some ponies might dislike the story because there are polyamorous vibes in it. I'm probably not the pony you should ask about normative sexual behaviors, though.
#7 · 2
· · >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
The Great

Technical level in my slate is apparently pretty high this time around, and this is no exception. Just a very clean story.

While there are elements of YMMV, I do find the punchline pretty funny. Though I don't blame people for being uncomfortable with it.

The Rough

Last line should go. The previous line is a much stronger ending, and the use of "lover" says what you need it to say regarding the type of kiss.

I'm not quite sure I feel Trixie and Starlight's voice here. You get Twilight pretty well, but not so sure on the others.

I really, really hate "hay" for "hey." It's a weird pet peeve. >_>
#8 ·
· · >>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
I was about to dive back in here and say just that, actually (turkey got the best of me before I had the chance). The last line is terrible—you're stretching things out in a goofy way after a reasonably-serious ending.

Same thing for "lover". Maybe try this:

"...pulled Starlight close for a different kind of kiss."

Italics is intentional, because I think you want to emphasize that (which you may need to find a way to do if you want the emphasis but agree to strike the last line).

I don't agree that Trixie's voice is off. Not sure about SG, but I think it could be stronger. Then again, I don't really know how strong reformed-Starlight's characterization is in the show, to be honest. Evil Starlight had a really strong presence, while good Starlight seems to be bumbling about, trying to please Twilight the same annoying ways Twi used to do with Celestia.
#9 · 1
·
>>Trick_Question
Also also (further proving my initial "only have one complaint" to be a lie):

I don't think the title of the story works...at least not yet. I like the idea of the title, but it hinges on a single word Trixie says and it's a fairly weak connection. Part of the weakness is that we don't see her saying it until we're almost at the end of the story, and the word is an analogy that has a totally different meaning from the meaning in the title. They're two different definitions of the same word.

It's a good title conceptually (I can remember which story this is from the title, which should always be the case authors, stop writing crap titles plzkthxbai), but the story doesn't support it early enough or strongly enough.

I think "A Good Filly" is similar, but for different reasons—the title support in that story is strong, but too artificial and distracting. In contrast, here the title is clever and reinforces the meaning of the story properly, but the support within the story is weak.

A different title flaw is "Scorpion Days". I don't like the title there because it barely touches on the events of the story and has very little to do with its meaning.

Choosing titles is hard. :facehoof:
#10 · 1
· · >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question
A bit amusing, but in a rather cliche sort of way. That the initial dream is somehow overlaid with an actual "prank" doesn't make sense to me. Was Luna in on it, directing the dream to match up with the shenanigans Starlight and Trixie were up to? Did one of them cast a dream spell? Or is it just random coincidence? Either way, it needs some explanation to me. Beyond that, this is basically just the Bedmate Reveal.
#11 · 2
· · >>Trick_Question
Well, I rather liked the opening... Luna's abrupt and embarrassed departure, and Twilight's realization that this is all a dream was an entertaining and promising start. (Though as a immortal alicorn of dreams, I'd expect Luna to be past feeling embarrassed when encountering, ahem, intimate dreams.)

Then we jump to Twilight waking up... To find herself in bed with Trixie and Starlight. Which doesn't seem to have anything to do with the opening scene... It almost seems like two different story ideas crashed together in the middle. One where Twilight is embarrassed by Luna witnessing an erotic dream... And one where two of her friends play a (kinda mean) prank on her. Both ideas have potential, but stitched together like this, and under such a limited length, both ideas suffer rather than support each other.
#12 · 2
· · >>Trick_Question >>Bremen
First off, thanks to >>FanOfMostEverything >>CoffeeMinion >>AndrewRogue >>Xepher for feedback. /)^3^(\ (I'd thank the last commenter, but as far as I can tell I think they were just making a pun and not reviewing.)

Breaking the Mold
a.k.a. Hay, Let's Rape Twilight Sparkle! :facehoof:

Yeah, I wrote this one. I still kinda like it, even. I have no shame. :twilightblush: This was the third story I wrote for the competition, and the second one I submitted. (The first one I wrote, I trashed.) Consequently, it suffered from the time constraint more than the other two. It was also the most "experimental" of the three (at least for me).

No, I didn't mean for the story to be so quasi-rapey. :facehoof: I'm pretty sure that can be fixed without removing any punch (in the ways I described above). Obviously the last line should be tossed, and I almost tossed it before submitting, but I didn't have enough time to re-edit things as much as I'd have liked, and I couldn't figure out how to combine the last two lines so I just said buckit. :derpytongue2:

I don't buy the chemistry in the end segment. I need to put more convincing dialogue into the SG+T shipping elements to justify their relationship, even if the story is largely a comedy. Maybe in a lighthearted-story I can get away with the assumption that those two are an item, but there's too much detail on the nature of their relationship and unusual comfort with one another (poly, really?) to expect a reader will accept at face value. I also think the title connection is too weak, which I mentioned above (that was another last-minute choice). I think Starlight's voice could be improved a little, but adding more dialogue would make that easier.

To make this story work, I'm pretty sure I'd need to double its length (at least). It seemed like a reasonable minific fit at the time, but there's just too much going on in the story to cram it all into 750 words (four characters with roles, a dream sequence, emotional shifts, puns, relationship drama, etc.). I had to do some really cray stuff and cut it down bloody to fit the glass slipper this time. Don't overextend yourselves, fillies and colts.

I'll be tossing this on the "eh, maybe someday I'll do something with it" pile, but I wouldn't count on seeing it on Fimfiction anytime soon... even though I actually enjoyed writing it enough to give myself a chuckle or two.

(I hope laughing at your own stories isn't vainglorious. I might be less depressed since the ECT, but I still don't like myself, at least.)

Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:
#13 · 1
·
>>Trick_Question
Oh, also to answer a question:

The reason Twilight was having that dream is because she was being cuddled on both sides in the waking world, so subconsciously her mind generated a dream where she was being cuddled by two Flash Sentries. (Flashes Sentry?) I was pretty sure that would have been obvious. :derpytongue2:
#14 ·
·
>>Xepher
>>TheCyanRecluse
See above comment.

Haven't you ever seen like, a commercial or movie or such where someone is dreaming about something because something similar is happening to them in the waking world? This is the only criticism about the story I'm not sure I understand, and I'm curious.
#15 · 2
·
>>Trick_Question

It may be a bit late, but for what it's worth this story didn't really bother me, and I'm sad it didn't make it through.

I do understand where the others were coming from, and I'm not trying to deny the problem they had, but to me a lot is knowing your target, like with the S1 episode about pranks. This would be an absolutely horrible prank to pull on a stranger, but I give it the benefit of the doubt and assume Starlight and Trixie knew Twilight would handle it fine.