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Going with the Crowd
Thorax never thought, on his first day after being accepted as a resident of the Crystal Empire, he’d be the target of yet another witch hunt. He thought the ponies gathered in the middle of the town square were there to officially welcome him into their city, or some sort of party nonetheless.
But when one pony at the edge of the crowd turned and saw Thorax, her expression was much less celebratory than scared and concerned. Her face then contorted in anger and concern. “You!”
That word shouted at such a high level of volume and concern caused everypony to turn and look at Thorax, the chattering petering down to intense silence.
Thorax became concerned.
The crowd approached, the one crystal pony leading the pack. She stopped and pointed at Thorax, baring her teeth. “Where is Crystal Hoof?”
Thorax squinted. “Crystal Hoof? Oh.” The pony he’d disguised himself as yesterday. Thorax raised his hooves innocently, backing away from the pony. “Listen, I--”
“Don’t move!” another pony said.
Thorax froze. “Listen everypony, this is just a misunderstand--”
“Where is he? Where are you hiding him?”
“I made up Crystal Hoof!” Thorax yelled, covering himself with his hooves. “I had to fit in as a crystal pony like you guys, so I made up a pony and Spike helped me come up with a name. Crystal Hoof isn’t real. We made him up, I swear!”
The crowd quieted down.
Thorax uncovered himself, standing up. He searched the crowd, waiting for someone to speak up and come to his defense. That was the only way ponies earned trust, after all—when somepony like Spike or Twilight walked out and defended him. However, everypony in the crowd seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him.
One pony whispered to her friend, perhaps more audibly then she meant to, “Crystal Hoof is Thorax’s OC?”
Her friend nodded. “I guess so.”
“I bet he’s a self-insert.”
“Ooh, cringe,” one purple crystal pony said.
The pony next to him said, “Honey, please keep it down. That was a stupid thing to say.”
The purple pony pouted. “Everyone else was cringing, I was just saying it…”
One pony in the back spoke up. “Saying ‘Ooh, cringe’ like that out loud to say you’re cringing makes me cringe.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure that’s any better than having a self-insert OC,” said somepony else. “Saying ‘cringe’ like that. That’s just weird. And now that I was all riled up about Crystal Hoof for nothing, I have to be mad about something.”
The crowd nodded in agreement.
The purple pony’s partner shook her head. “To be honest, I’m a little disappointed in you, Agate.”
One pony raised his hoof. “If I could throw my two cents in here, I think you two should break up.”
“Yeah,” said another pony. “Not that we know either of you very well, or that this is any of our business, or that we’re judging your boyfriend based on one ultimately trivial reaction, but you deserve better, girl.”
The crowd erupted in “Yeah, girl”s and assenting whistles.
The pony raised her hoof. “All in favour of Agate’s girlfriend breaking up with him?”
Agate looked around. “Wait, why is this up for vote?”
Ignoring Agate, everypony raised their hooves except for Agate and Thorax. Thorax wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but didn’t want to risk being seen as an outsider, so he raised his hoof.
Agate’s girlfriend let go of Agate’s hoof. “Sorry, sweetie. It’s unanimous.” She walked away.
“Jasper?” Agate shook his head. “Red Jasper, you’re not seriously doing this, are you? It’s up to you, not them!”
In reply, the crowd dispersed in all directions, sometimes turning back to give Agate dirty glances. Agate sat down, hunched over and pouting.
Thorax walked up to Agate. “Hey, um--”
“No, sorry, I can’t do this,” Agate muttered, walking away. “I have to walk away from me, too. Everyone else is doing it.”
“Wait, Agate, hold on,” Thorax said, sprinting to catch up. “You give in to peer pressure, too?”
Agate looked at Thorax, then looked down and nodded.
“Hey, I’m a changeling. Conforming is what I do best.” Thorax stuck out his hoof. “Want to be my friend?”
Agate brought his head up slowly and stared at Thorax’s hoof. “I can’t. Nobody else is doing it.”
Thorax learned that day that public opinion was all that mattered in life, and also to never make an OC ever again.
But when one pony at the edge of the crowd turned and saw Thorax, her expression was much less celebratory than scared and concerned. Her face then contorted in anger and concern. “You!”
That word shouted at such a high level of volume and concern caused everypony to turn and look at Thorax, the chattering petering down to intense silence.
Thorax became concerned.
The crowd approached, the one crystal pony leading the pack. She stopped and pointed at Thorax, baring her teeth. “Where is Crystal Hoof?”
Thorax squinted. “Crystal Hoof? Oh.” The pony he’d disguised himself as yesterday. Thorax raised his hooves innocently, backing away from the pony. “Listen, I--”
“Don’t move!” another pony said.
Thorax froze. “Listen everypony, this is just a misunderstand--”
“Where is he? Where are you hiding him?”
“I made up Crystal Hoof!” Thorax yelled, covering himself with his hooves. “I had to fit in as a crystal pony like you guys, so I made up a pony and Spike helped me come up with a name. Crystal Hoof isn’t real. We made him up, I swear!”
The crowd quieted down.
Thorax uncovered himself, standing up. He searched the crowd, waiting for someone to speak up and come to his defense. That was the only way ponies earned trust, after all—when somepony like Spike or Twilight walked out and defended him. However, everypony in the crowd seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him.
One pony whispered to her friend, perhaps more audibly then she meant to, “Crystal Hoof is Thorax’s OC?”
Her friend nodded. “I guess so.”
“I bet he’s a self-insert.”
“Ooh, cringe,” one purple crystal pony said.
The pony next to him said, “Honey, please keep it down. That was a stupid thing to say.”
The purple pony pouted. “Everyone else was cringing, I was just saying it…”
One pony in the back spoke up. “Saying ‘Ooh, cringe’ like that out loud to say you’re cringing makes me cringe.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure that’s any better than having a self-insert OC,” said somepony else. “Saying ‘cringe’ like that. That’s just weird. And now that I was all riled up about Crystal Hoof for nothing, I have to be mad about something.”
The crowd nodded in agreement.
The purple pony’s partner shook her head. “To be honest, I’m a little disappointed in you, Agate.”
One pony raised his hoof. “If I could throw my two cents in here, I think you two should break up.”
“Yeah,” said another pony. “Not that we know either of you very well, or that this is any of our business, or that we’re judging your boyfriend based on one ultimately trivial reaction, but you deserve better, girl.”
The crowd erupted in “Yeah, girl”s and assenting whistles.
The pony raised her hoof. “All in favour of Agate’s girlfriend breaking up with him?”
Agate looked around. “Wait, why is this up for vote?”
Ignoring Agate, everypony raised their hooves except for Agate and Thorax. Thorax wasn’t quite sure what was going on, but didn’t want to risk being seen as an outsider, so he raised his hoof.
Agate’s girlfriend let go of Agate’s hoof. “Sorry, sweetie. It’s unanimous.” She walked away.
“Jasper?” Agate shook his head. “Red Jasper, you’re not seriously doing this, are you? It’s up to you, not them!”
In reply, the crowd dispersed in all directions, sometimes turning back to give Agate dirty glances. Agate sat down, hunched over and pouting.
Thorax walked up to Agate. “Hey, um--”
“No, sorry, I can’t do this,” Agate muttered, walking away. “I have to walk away from me, too. Everyone else is doing it.”
“Wait, Agate, hold on,” Thorax said, sprinting to catch up. “You give in to peer pressure, too?”
Agate looked at Thorax, then looked down and nodded.
“Hey, I’m a changeling. Conforming is what I do best.” Thorax stuck out his hoof. “Want to be my friend?”
Agate brought his head up slowly and stared at Thorax’s hoof. “I can’t. Nobody else is doing it.”
Thorax learned that day that public opinion was all that mattered in life, and also to never make an OC ever again.
Christ almighty.
Twist at the ending was very funny. The characters seemed a bit muddled—aside from Agate, it was just a bunch of "this pony" and "that pony." And I agree with those ponies—I can't stand the word cringe. Makes whoever's saying it sound like an eleven-year-old.
Twist at the ending was very funny. The characters seemed a bit muddled—aside from Agate, it was just a bunch of "this pony" and "that pony." And I agree with those ponies—I can't stand the word cringe. Makes whoever's saying it sound like an eleven-year-old.
I have no idea what the point of this story was, if there was one. First Thorax is mobbed by a crowd, then they suddenly start talking about "OCs" and "self-inserts", then they randomly begin talking about someone's girlfriend and voting on the breakup... I understand this was probably meant to be a comedy with "random humor", but it just comes across as an incoherent stream of nonsense.
Okay, I'm of two minds about this. First bit, as soon as it turned meta, was pretty funny. The jokes worked, and I chuckled. But the joke was dead by the time the crowd suggests the two ponies should break up. Cut/end it there. Everything after that just lost me, and the ending line is to me the worst kind of anvilicious anti-humor.
This almost reads like a critique of criticism to me, and as such, I'm tempted to simply not respond. :P
Well, I guess I'm not giving super useful or intricate advice on these anyways. I'll just say that, most likely part of why people find this dialogue confusing, is because you've got multiple entities that are described instead of named. 'one pony', 'one purple crystal pony' 'her friend', etc. I think it would be clearer and more concise if you simplified the actors as much as you could, and then tried to cut that sort of description out as much as possible by using consistent names. If you did Agate, Jasper, and 'the crowd', I think you could achieve much the same dialogue, but without all of the fumbling around without names.
Oh, and a DO NOT STEAL in here would have made me laugh.
Well, I guess I'm not giving super useful or intricate advice on these anyways. I'll just say that, most likely part of why people find this dialogue confusing, is because you've got multiple entities that are described instead of named. 'one pony', 'one purple crystal pony' 'her friend', etc. I think it would be clearer and more concise if you simplified the actors as much as you could, and then tried to cut that sort of description out as much as possible by using consistent names. If you did Agate, Jasper, and 'the crowd', I think you could achieve much the same dialogue, but without all of the fumbling around without names.
Oh, and a DO NOT STEAL in here would have made me laugh.
Ha. Was totally silly, and that’s the sort of crazy, absurd humour I like. Well, I'm at loggerheads with everyone else here, but the part about the girlfriend was the best. The slice with OC rambling was the least satisfying. This is too much of an inside joke and doesn't fit into the context.
Jasper is male or female?
won't finish atop my slate, but i think i can let it slip in the upper half.
or not… :P
Jasper is male or female?
won't finish atop my slate, but i think i can let it slip in the upper half.
or not… :P
I can’t decide if the stupidity outweighs the humor here. The story definitely has both in droves, and I could actually see this kind of behavior taking place in Equestria after another century of technological and cultural development. The herd mentality is a pernicious thing.
In the end, as is, I think the good and bad roughly cancel each other. Don’t beat the joke to death and chronicle how Thorax managed to make friends after this faux pas and you’ll tip the scales in your favor.
In the end, as is, I think the good and bad roughly cancel each other. Don’t beat the joke to death and chronicle how Thorax managed to make friends after this faux pas and you’ll tip the scales in your favor.
Funny, and meta, but more meta than funny. And kind of pointless. The joke wore off on me pretty quickly. The writing didn't drag, and I think that's the best thing this story has going for it; simply put, it's well-written not poorly written. But it's not really a story. Just a big lump of meta that Thorax happens to be a witness to.
wat
Okay, huh. Hmm. Let's begin.
(Go here:)
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/165/457/39f.png
This story starts off with an amusing and interesting premise (I loved the initial premise!), but after a slow build, it drops the premise for random and meandering meta-hijinks.
I don't write stories like this so it's hard for me to evaluate properly. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get other than comedy, and the comedy is just a shade too random to make me laugh.
Metahumor is something ponies frequently assume will have a low bar for entry, but I'm pretty sure what you're attempting here has a humongous degree of difficulty attached.
I think this story would have been much better had you stuck with the premise (the original premise was great and funny) and not broke the fourth wall. There's too much random meandering from silly subject to other silly subject: the story never focuses on any one topic for long enough to make it interesting. You start a new premise, then drop it and pick up another premise before you've done anything to make the previous one amusing.
Something that would have been marginally random, and worked for me, is if the villagers had threatened Thorax over Crystal Hoof, then Thorax changes in front of their eyes, and they all say stuff like, "Crystal Hoof! Where did you come from? Are you okay? Did that changeling hurt you?" and the changeling has to adapt to the fact that crystal ponies are complete idiots. That would be funny without cycling through unrelated topics, and you wouldn't need to break the fourth wall to do it. You could even add the OC stuff in if you're clever, but the whole voting on a relationship and conformity among the villagers... it just didn't work.
I think part of the problem here is the fact that once you go random, you'll always have banned 'em. No, wait, that was incredibly stupid: let me start over. I mean, once you go random, you lose all tension in the story. If the author can decide to put anything down with no rules whatsoever, it's easy to lose interest because as a reader I can't have expectations about what will happen next. Reality no longer applies.
Most contemporary horror movies (especially the ones with CGI) are terrible about this. If you've got a monster that can do anything at all, it isn't scary anymore because there's no tension. The audience won't feel nervous around closed doors or corners of buildings if the monster can just appear out of nowhere in an open field without warning. I'm pretty sure the Final Destination movies are probably filled with this crap. I say "pretty sure" because I won't watch them, but I've seen snippets that are just terrible because the deaths are totally random so the characters are never in "more danger" in one place as opposed to another.
Okay, I'm done now. :derpytongue2:
Okay, huh. Hmm. Let's begin.
(Go here:)
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/165/457/39f.png
This story starts off with an amusing and interesting premise (I loved the initial premise!), but after a slow build, it drops the premise for random and meandering meta-hijinks.
I don't write stories like this so it's hard for me to evaluate properly. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get other than comedy, and the comedy is just a shade too random to make me laugh.
Metahumor is something ponies frequently assume will have a low bar for entry, but I'm pretty sure what you're attempting here has a humongous degree of difficulty attached.
I think this story would have been much better had you stuck with the premise (the original premise was great and funny) and not broke the fourth wall. There's too much random meandering from silly subject to other silly subject: the story never focuses on any one topic for long enough to make it interesting. You start a new premise, then drop it and pick up another premise before you've done anything to make the previous one amusing.
Something that would have been marginally random, and worked for me, is if the villagers had threatened Thorax over Crystal Hoof, then Thorax changes in front of their eyes, and they all say stuff like, "Crystal Hoof! Where did you come from? Are you okay? Did that changeling hurt you?" and the changeling has to adapt to the fact that crystal ponies are complete idiots. That would be funny without cycling through unrelated topics, and you wouldn't need to break the fourth wall to do it. You could even add the OC stuff in if you're clever, but the whole voting on a relationship and conformity among the villagers... it just didn't work.
I think part of the problem here is the fact that once you go random, you'll always have banned 'em. No, wait, that was incredibly stupid: let me start over. I mean, once you go random, you lose all tension in the story. If the author can decide to put anything down with no rules whatsoever, it's easy to lose interest because as a reader I can't have expectations about what will happen next. Reality no longer applies.
Most contemporary horror movies (especially the ones with CGI) are terrible about this. If you've got a monster that can do anything at all, it isn't scary anymore because there's no tension. The audience won't feel nervous around closed doors or corners of buildings if the monster can just appear out of nowhere in an open field without warning. I'm pretty sure the Final Destination movies are probably filled with this crap. I say "pretty sure" because I won't watch them, but I've seen snippets that are just terrible because the deaths are totally random so the characters are never in "more danger" in one place as opposed to another.
Okay, I'm done now. :derpytongue2:
