Forewarning: Sorry if I tore into it a bit... heh. I'm not always the most tactful and I extend an apology to the author if they take personal offense.


I'm going to abstaiin from this one.

I've seen this done multiple times, and this is probably the worst one I've seen. The author is obviously a liberal and complaining about the election results; that's made abundantly clear. If they're not, then they put themselves in the shoes of one to write this fic. Because it's very one-sided, which most of these fics tend to be, and it suffers because we can't laugh at both sides--or in this case, at all, but I'll get to that.

The writing is mediocre. It's not bad, let me say that first and well... not that it's really my place to judge writing quality and not that there was anything wrong with the writing but there wasn't anything right about it either. It's all telling, and for me it's telling the same story I've read thirty times which is partially why I abstained from voting on this one, because I've already read the concept many times, and I partially blame that for my distaste towards the story. Like when someone tells the same joke over and over again it gets annoying.

I don't want to spend all day writing this, so here's the biggest reason why this fic failed: it's not funny, at all. Being a huge fan of sattire it's my favorite thing in the world when it's done right. However, I don't find the humor in taking something from real life, something everyone has heard hundreds of times, and frankly most people are wanting not to hear about for a while, and slinging together a couple of lines everyone knows and calling it "writing." It's not. You copy + pasted the election summary and changed the names. It's not orginal. and It's not funny.

There's nothing special about this fic. Most of these kind of fics go out of their way to add some sort of twist that makes them unique. Some work, some don't. "The Town Hall Debate," by Flutterpriest, worked, I think. "Donald Trump Grabs Celestia's Pussy," not so much, but it tried in the description. Some other fic where Jeb beat Hillary Clinton using the darkside of the force, can't recall the name, was probably my favorite. Because it was [i]witty[i] and it was unique. This, however, felt like a bunch of references slapped into 700 words going "Look at me, look at me, we all get it! It's funny!"

I don't understand what the author was trying to accomplish here besides controversy or rustling someone's feathers, or jimmies, whichever you prefer (:p) . This is entire fic is a summary of the election from a Liberal point of view. And God, how many times have I, no, everyone heard that? It's not funny, and it's not easing anyone's mind; it's reminding them, if anything, of the results, half of America doesn't want to hear. So, if you're going to write politics, either make it try and make it funny or try for something better; it's obvious whoever wrote this is a better writer than... well, this. Just, pick your story wisely, next time. I bet you're an able writer but I don't think the best writer in the world could make the worst ideas work.

Best of luck, and have a happy turkey day!

>>ArgonMatrix

I'm in the same boat, it's my first time as well. Best of luck to you!

Now... if I could only get an idea. Haha... I'm so screwed... XD

Alrighty you beautiful bastards. First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to not only read but review my story! It means a helluva lot to me to have readers go out of their way and give me nothing more than their thoughts on what I wrote! So most importantly, thanks! Y'all are awesome, and I appreciate the time you took to read and review.

Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.

You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.

Now onto answering comments!

>>FanOfMostEverything

FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!

Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.

You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.

Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!

Thanks!

>>GaPJaxie

7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.

Also.

Who bullies a god?

Take it up with Hades. Please get my subtle Disney reference

>>Monokeras

Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.

If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!

>>Morning Sun

I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.

>>georg

I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better! And jinxed

---

Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D

Pfft. It's only Saturday; I'll start tomorrow... Probably... Maybe... Hopefully... There's always Monday... at 11... pm

I think I'll disagree with the two commentors above me (sorry, guys). I don't think the word limit was too constricting on this fic. Could this have been better if it were a short story? Of course it would have! But then again 80% - 90% of the minifics submitted could have worked better as a short story. I try not to judge a story based off of "what it could have been" or "missed opportunites" and I try to stick to what actually is there. And for this story and what's in this story, it's solid. It's not great, but it's far from bad.

The main problem in the story feels like one Starlight would have the morning after, and I mean the morning after they defeated Chrysalis in the finale. So, points for a realistic problem. Was Starlight's reaction to open up like a spring flower on the spot super-realistic? No. But word count. I did say I'm not deducting from this fic for word count, and I stand by that, but I did also say 80% - 90% of minifics would benefit if they were short stories, and even if it's only minorly.

The moral for this story was strong, but here's the thing. When I was done reading this story, I was thought to myself: "hey, what a great moral!" But... I found myself wondering why since the story wasn't all that spectacular, 11/10, would read again and again and again.

Then ol' beautiful bastard Kettle came up with my word of the day: "Didascalic." Basically, what the five cent word means is: "intended to teach." See, this whole story was intended to teach a moral. And while it's a good moral, that's all the story is: a moral. There's not too much else to it besides some nifty dialogue.

Overall, I give this six and a half Trixie Hats out of ten. It's solid work, and most importantly, I enjoyed it. And it made me feel warm inside. Good work!

Echoing what FoME said here, but this is nice, enjoyable story. It's a fun read, and while there was a typo or two, and a few cases of misphrasing, it still didn't detract from the overall story.

I disagree with the word limit qualm. I agree that the potential is under untilized because of the word limit, but most stories here are. But for what this story is, and how it's done, I quite like it. I think the ending could have been better; I like the one liner, but I'm not sure how much I like that one liner in particular.

Overall, well-written, well-paced and put a goofy grin on my face. Great work!

Oooh. I can't say much about this one, because I felt it went a little over my head, so I couldn't fully appreciate this. However, the tone of this fic was perfect. The tone, the mood and the relationship of Luna and Nightmare Moon was mysterious, and dark, and oh I just loved it! The word choice added more flavor, almost too much, but not so much that it took away from the fic. And the prose allowed the voice of both characters to really take form and shine. Plus, this fic has a bangin' title. Great job!

The purple prose of this fic really kept it from completing itself. I share some of the same questions as Judge Deadd like: why is Sweetie upset? How old are the CMC? Old enough to be independent, but still young enough to talk like children (teenagers, I guess). Why does Sweetie change her mind so quickly? I would say this story suffers from the word limit, but that'd be wrong. This story suffers from what the author does within the word limit. This story could be everything it's supposed to, I imagine, if the author didn't waste time with the opening and describing the pretty trees and the leaves in Scootaloo's mouth and whatnot. And I feel for the author because if you click on my name you'll see my first writeoff entry. And I think there are a few paralells between the two.

>Unneccesary or unneccesarily drawn out opening scene
>Too much focus on description (just this is good description, mine wasn't)
>Sudden resolution of the problem at the very end

The biggest difference between this story and my story is you can tell one author is skilled and one author is me.

In future minifics, be very careful in choosing what's important. And what you can throw away. It's really hard sometimes to scrap the beautiful description (especially as good as yours is), but it's vital to do so, so when the fic is over the reader has a completed story. This, unfortunately, falls a peg short.

I liked the concept. The writing--specifically the description--is beautiful. This story would benefit from a bigger word-limit but I feel like with a few revisions this one could make the finals with a 750 word count.

Also:

Scootaloo flew

I didn't know this was a comedy fic :V

Buh-Dum-Tssh




That was mean...




I'm sorry...




Good work.

Hm. I feel for Pinkie Pie, because I've been in her shoes, but I don't feel for her because I hardly think it's her. The whole time I was thinking Pinkie would, yes, get upset over her friends drunken remarks, but not once did I think she'd question her entire life and who she was. I couldn't suspend my disbelief for that one, sorry. Pinkie is the kind of character that always bounces back (literally). It'd be rather out-of-character for her to stop being... well... uh, Pinkie Pie over drunken remarks or getting her feelings hurt. Did you see how fast she bounced back when Fluttershy ripped her and Rarity in Putting Your Hoof Down? If she bounced back from that with ease then well... I'll put it this way. I couldn't imagine drunken remarks of "hey your parties suck" would be even comparable to: "a pony who wastes her life away pursuing pointless passions no one gives a rat's ass about." Did I get that quote right...? Close enough.

Choose your characters wisely. Pinkie is not your character. Rarity or Fluttershy would have both been better fits than Pinkie, I'd say. And even about that I think Rainbow would be perfect in Pinkie's position. Rainbow is the one with confidence issues.

Plus, in it's current state, having Applejack and Rainbow comfort Pinkie would have been much more effective, and realistic, probably, than having Flutters and Rares.

Also. >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned these two lines:

“Of course, Rarity. But that’s kind of a hard statement to take coming from a white unicorn holding a pumpkin spice latte.”

“Oh. Yes. My one weakness,” she replied as the trio shared a round of laughter.

Ask NaturalBornDerpy, I'm a sucker for all things pumpkin and that includes making fun of people for drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

However.

What was the joke here? It just felt like because pumpkin spice lattes were mentioned there had to be a joke revolving around it, and, well, it didn't work.

The dialogue was really well-written and Rarity and Fluttershy's character made this fic an enjoyable read so you get five out of ten pumpkin spice lattes, with extra whipped cream ;)

>>Xepher

I don't deny that it's satire. But hardly so. If it's satire then, in my opinion, no offense to the author, it's satire done very poorly. satire doesn't need to be humorous. Bojack Horseman is really beautiful at being satirical without being intentionally funny. But as I mentioned in my initial point and many others have: slapping a bunch of references together or "conversationals" together and calling it a story isn't very satirical, or well, it's definitely not good satire. I, and others, found it to... well... just bad. That's what this fic did. It tried something and it failed. It's not a unanimous opinion but it's a majority.

And I understand Catharsis, but I don't really understand... throwing said "catharsis" to the world when it's the opposite. I think it was Not A Hat who said he wanted to stop hearing about the results five weeks before it came out. All I'll really say to that... is: ir may be "catharsis" to the author but some people really are done with it, and it's reopening wounds that are trying to close. So, choose what you submit wisely.