Echoing off of what several reviewers have said, this is a pretty cool scene~ The mood-setting is done very well, kudos to the other. I particularly enjoy the prose, the author clearly is very skilled and that skill immersed me in the story, so I appreciate that. I think Trick on the one thing here I'd say could be improved upon and that's the composition. I agree with her comment on the micro-paragraphing, but then again, it's a mini fic, you don't need nor want to go into depth on a lot of elements. Word choice is a little bland towards the end—I'd actually say the story -dips- towards the end, just a little. Like I said with the mood-setting, at the beginning, it was immersive, and while the execution of the story is strong at the end, I'd like to have seen the writing itself be as captivating as it was from the first line. Overall, really solid scene, and I would like to see this extended.

>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia

I would like to offer something to the both of you and your criticisms, and excuse me, but I'm calling it unfair. In both of your reviews where you note you have issue with the story, you mention "fanon" elements that are clearly not evident in this story. This story is not a normal "TaviScratch" shipping story, so I ask you don't look at it as one.

Here's my issue.

Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.

Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.

With all due respect, these are biased and unfair criticisms due to the fact you are expecting this story to be like any normal Octavia and Vinyl shipping story. Thing is, in this story, Octavia and Vinyl aren't friends. They know nearly nothing about each other. You've applied not even canon elements, but fanfare elements to these characters that are not fact and basically taken away free interpretation from the author, or you've frowned upon the authors free will of using characters with very limited backgrounds, which, in my opinion, is wrong. They didn't comply to what the fandom believes, and even if you don't recognize it you've marked this fic as "flawed" for not following fandom tradition.

Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?

In canon, Vinyl and Octavia live together, and in this story, Vinyl doesn't even know Octavia's name till the end. So, this story is obviously not after canon, so it has no reason to adhere to canonization. It's its own thing, so why are you judging a fic that uses background ponies, and then telling the author their fic is flawed because they don't use the "fandom norm" or on a micro scale, your headcanon.

I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but I'm hoping some perspective might help any other readers.

This fic isn't perfect, you don't have to like it, but all I'm saying is it's extremely unfair to call fandom theory "fact" and then punish the author and tell them their fic is "flawed," because they don't follow fandom theory. It's like having a group of friends, they all order Ice Cream, everyone gets chocolate, one guy gets cookie dough and you call him "wrong" in reality it's just different.

>>Trick_Question

Nope. :p Just my phone's terrible auto-correcting.

>>Xepher

I don't deny that it's satire. But hardly so. If it's satire then, in my opinion, no offense to the author, it's satire done very poorly. satire doesn't need to be humorous. Bojack Horseman is really beautiful at being satirical without being intentionally funny. But as I mentioned in my initial point and many others have: slapping a bunch of references together or "conversationals" together and calling it a story isn't very satirical, or well, it's definitely not good satire. I, and others, found it to... well... just bad. That's what this fic did. It tried something and it failed. It's not a unanimous opinion but it's a majority.

And I understand Catharsis, but I don't really understand... throwing said "catharsis" to the world when it's the opposite. I think it was Not A Hat who said he wanted to stop hearing about the results five weeks before it came out. All I'll really say to that... is: ir may be "catharsis" to the author but some people really are done with it, and it's reopening wounds that are trying to close. So, choose what you submit wisely.

Hm. I feel for Pinkie Pie, because I've been in her shoes, but I don't feel for her because I hardly think it's her. The whole time I was thinking Pinkie would, yes, get upset over her friends drunken remarks, but not once did I think she'd question her entire life and who she was. I couldn't suspend my disbelief for that one, sorry. Pinkie is the kind of character that always bounces back (literally). It'd be rather out-of-character for her to stop being... well... uh, Pinkie Pie over drunken remarks or getting her feelings hurt. Did you see how fast she bounced back when Fluttershy ripped her and Rarity in Putting Your Hoof Down? If she bounced back from that with ease then well... I'll put it this way. I couldn't imagine drunken remarks of "hey your parties suck" would be even comparable to: "a pony who wastes her life away pursuing pointless passions no one gives a rat's ass about." Did I get that quote right...? Close enough.

Choose your characters wisely. Pinkie is not your character. Rarity or Fluttershy would have both been better fits than Pinkie, I'd say. And even about that I think Rainbow would be perfect in Pinkie's position. Rainbow is the one with confidence issues.

Plus, in it's current state, having Applejack and Rainbow comfort Pinkie would have been much more effective, and realistic, probably, than having Flutters and Rares.

Also. >>FanOfMostEverything mentioned these two lines:

“Of course, Rarity. But that’s kind of a hard statement to take coming from a white unicorn holding a pumpkin spice latte.”

“Oh. Yes. My one weakness,” she replied as the trio shared a round of laughter.

Ask NaturalBornDerpy, I'm a sucker for all things pumpkin and that includes making fun of people for drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

However.

What was the joke here? It just felt like because pumpkin spice lattes were mentioned there had to be a joke revolving around it, and, well, it didn't work.

The dialogue was really well-written and Rarity and Fluttershy's character made this fic an enjoyable read so you get five out of ten pumpkin spice lattes, with extra whipped cream ;)

The purple prose of this fic really kept it from completing itself. I share some of the same questions as Judge Deadd like: why is Sweetie upset? How old are the CMC? Old enough to be independent, but still young enough to talk like children (teenagers, I guess). Why does Sweetie change her mind so quickly? I would say this story suffers from the word limit, but that'd be wrong. This story suffers from what the author does within the word limit. This story could be everything it's supposed to, I imagine, if the author didn't waste time with the opening and describing the pretty trees and the leaves in Scootaloo's mouth and whatnot. And I feel for the author because if you click on my name you'll see my first writeoff entry. And I think there are a few paralells between the two.

>Unneccesary or unneccesarily drawn out opening scene
>Too much focus on description (just this is good description, mine wasn't)
>Sudden resolution of the problem at the very end

The biggest difference between this story and my story is you can tell one author is skilled and one author is me.

In future minifics, be very careful in choosing what's important. And what you can throw away. It's really hard sometimes to scrap the beautiful description (especially as good as yours is), but it's vital to do so, so when the fic is over the reader has a completed story. This, unfortunately, falls a peg short.

I liked the concept. The writing--specifically the description--is beautiful. This story would benefit from a bigger word-limit but I feel like with a few revisions this one could make the finals with a 750 word count.

Also:

Scootaloo flew

I didn't know this was a comedy fic :V

Buh-Dum-Tssh




That was mean...




I'm sorry...




Good work.

I feel like this is modeled off of something. If not then at least Chiaroscuro's character is. Hm... this is going to bug me.

Right. Story. It was a little too vague for me to get behind. Imagine a canapy. Imagine it's pouring down rain. Imagine this story is under the canapy, and the center of the story is out in the middle of the rain. Several times, this story sticks its foot in the rain, and even takes a few steps out, but it seems to retreat and nothing really gets established.

I don't know this fic just doesn't do a whole lot to me.

I got the overarching metaphor, I think. But even with me getting it, this fic just didn't go anywhere for me.

This fic isn't bad. It just didn't work for me, unfortunately. Good work though, and i'd love to read this after some revisions!

I think I'll disagree with the two commentors above me (sorry, guys). I don't think the word limit was too constricting on this fic. Could this have been better if it were a short story? Of course it would have! But then again 80% - 90% of the minifics submitted could have worked better as a short story. I try not to judge a story based off of "what it could have been" or "missed opportunites" and I try to stick to what actually is there. And for this story and what's in this story, it's solid. It's not great, but it's far from bad.

The main problem in the story feels like one Starlight would have the morning after, and I mean the morning after they defeated Chrysalis in the finale. So, points for a realistic problem. Was Starlight's reaction to open up like a spring flower on the spot super-realistic? No. But word count. I did say I'm not deducting from this fic for word count, and I stand by that, but I did also say 80% - 90% of minifics would benefit if they were short stories, and even if it's only minorly.

The moral for this story was strong, but here's the thing. When I was done reading this story, I was thought to myself: "hey, what a great moral!" But... I found myself wondering why since the story wasn't all that spectacular, 11/10, would read again and again and again.

Then ol' beautiful bastard Kettle came up with my word of the day: "Didascalic." Basically, what the five cent word means is: "intended to teach." See, this whole story was intended to teach a moral. And while it's a good moral, that's all the story is: a moral. There's not too much else to it besides some nifty dialogue.

Overall, I give this six and a half Trixie Hats out of ten. It's solid work, and most importantly, I enjoyed it. And it made me feel warm inside. Good work!

Um... I'll hit a few positives.

> Very pretty writing, loved the description
> Loved the word choice; it felt just right, and in these mini-fics I've found that matters a lot.
> This fic plays with the emotions of the characters very well.

Now.. the not-so-positives.

Um... what is this? No, seriously, Andrew Rogue hits it on the head. I'm not sure what this scene is supposed to be, and I'm sure Andrew and myself aren't the only ones thinking that. This story... the first... half of it didn't even matter then the part that I assume was supposed to matter ended up not mattering to me because I had no idea what was happening. Celestia snapped at Twilight because why? And she was sick how? And it's all okay, and what?

Then Posh mentioned if the last two paragraphs were missing this story would have been more powerful. I'm inclined to agree, but due to the fact I thought the last two paragrahs just muddled up the fic more than it already was. It just added more questions and didn't answer the ones I alreay had.

Unfortunately, I have to put this at the bottom of my slate right now (it's okay, I've only rated three other stories), because i'm just clueless as to what the meat and potatoes to this fic is supposed to be. I feel like this fic could be really good if it underwent some clean-up, and the author wasn't constrained by a word count, but as of now this one sits as conusion, and a pile of questions with no answers.

Oooh. I can't say much about this one, because I felt it went a little over my head, so I couldn't fully appreciate this. However, the tone of this fic was perfect. The tone, the mood and the relationship of Luna and Nightmare Moon was mysterious, and dark, and oh I just loved it! The word choice added more flavor, almost too much, but not so much that it took away from the fic. And the prose allowed the voice of both characters to really take form and shine. Plus, this fic has a bangin' title. Great job!

I'll get the criticism out of the way. Crit-i-cism. One, singular. Shining Armor cried too fast, but honestly, I don't mind that, so, so much for "criticism."

This was a great fic. The story had me hooked from the first paragraph (because I'm a Shining X Cadance sucker :V) and from there it didn't disappoint. It wasn't extrodinary, no, but it was nice, realistic, and sweet. Shinin's pain was real, Cadance's concern was real, and the product is a short, sweet, very real and well-written fic. I'm not a fan of the whole... um Shining and Chrysalis rape heacanon thing but this fic did it well enough that it didn't distract from the narrative as a whole. Kudos to the author. Nice job.

Echoing what FoME said here, but this is nice, enjoyable story. It's a fun read, and while there was a typo or two, and a few cases of misphrasing, it still didn't detract from the overall story.

I disagree with the word limit qualm. I agree that the potential is under untilized because of the word limit, but most stories here are. But for what this story is, and how it's done, I quite like it. I think the ending could have been better; I like the one liner, but I'm not sure how much I like that one liner in particular.

Overall, well-written, well-paced and put a goofy grin on my face. Great work!

>>Orbiting_kettle
Thank you; I really appreciate it :)

A pinched vertebrae and I believe I tore something in my back.

Though it's not too bad, I think.

Forewarning: Sorry if I tore into it a bit... heh. I'm not always the most tactful and I extend an apology to the author if they take personal offense.


I'm going to abstaiin from this one.

I've seen this done multiple times, and this is probably the worst one I've seen. The author is obviously a liberal and complaining about the election results; that's made abundantly clear. If they're not, then they put themselves in the shoes of one to write this fic. Because it's very one-sided, which most of these fics tend to be, and it suffers because we can't laugh at both sides--or in this case, at all, but I'll get to that.

The writing is mediocre. It's not bad, let me say that first and well... not that it's really my place to judge writing quality and not that there was anything wrong with the writing but there wasn't anything right about it either. It's all telling, and for me it's telling the same story I've read thirty times which is partially why I abstained from voting on this one, because I've already read the concept many times, and I partially blame that for my distaste towards the story. Like when someone tells the same joke over and over again it gets annoying.

I don't want to spend all day writing this, so here's the biggest reason why this fic failed: it's not funny, at all. Being a huge fan of sattire it's my favorite thing in the world when it's done right. However, I don't find the humor in taking something from real life, something everyone has heard hundreds of times, and frankly most people are wanting not to hear about for a while, and slinging together a couple of lines everyone knows and calling it "writing." It's not. You copy + pasted the election summary and changed the names. It's not orginal. and It's not funny.

There's nothing special about this fic. Most of these kind of fics go out of their way to add some sort of twist that makes them unique. Some work, some don't. "The Town Hall Debate," by Flutterpriest, worked, I think. "Donald Trump Grabs Celestia's Pussy," not so much, but it tried in the description. Some other fic where Jeb beat Hillary Clinton using the darkside of the force, can't recall the name, was probably my favorite. Because it was [i]witty[i] and it was unique. This, however, felt like a bunch of references slapped into 700 words going "Look at me, look at me, we all get it! It's funny!"

I don't understand what the author was trying to accomplish here besides controversy or rustling someone's feathers, or jimmies, whichever you prefer (:p) . This is entire fic is a summary of the election from a Liberal point of view. And God, how many times have I, no, everyone heard that? It's not funny, and it's not easing anyone's mind; it's reminding them, if anything, of the results, half of America doesn't want to hear. So, if you're going to write politics, either make it try and make it funny or try for something better; it's obvious whoever wrote this is a better writer than... well, this. Just, pick your story wisely, next time. I bet you're an able writer but I don't think the best writer in the world could make the worst ideas work.

Best of luck, and have a happy turkey day!

Best of luck to everyone that entered! I was really excited to enter this go around, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. I suffered some really bad injuries on the basketball court, and it left me disabled from writing last night--darn.

Though, I plan to read and write reviews. Not sure how much I can help, but I'll try.

Well wishes everyone! And happy Thanksgiving. :V

I have yet to read this. I've been so swamped by work and in real life stuff, I didn't even get a chance to enter in this writeoff, and it's so disappointing to me because I was excited to participate and it just didn't happen.

However, not all is lost. I haven't read this story yet, but I've read the comments, and while I can't say these kind of stories are my "forte" this one has definitely caught my attention. And if it gives me an excuse to write with the ever-talented Horizon, I would be interested in collabing if I like the story enough. I should have some time Saturday or Sunday to sit down and read, so I can give you an answer, Horizon, then. But I must admit... I'm fairly excited over this. I've skimmed the story, haven't been able to fully enjoy (or loathe) this story yet. But... this is definitely something that's captured my interest. For the time being, throw my name on the rim of the hat. It's got enough tug to attract me to it, but I really want to experience this before I dive in. :p

Pfft. It's only Saturday; I'll start tomorrow... Probably... Maybe... Hopefully... There's always Monday... at 11... pm

Alrighty you beautiful bastards. First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to not only read but review my story! It means a helluva lot to me to have readers go out of their way and give me nothing more than their thoughts on what I wrote! So most importantly, thanks! Y'all are awesome, and I appreciate the time you took to read and review.

Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.

You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.

Now onto answering comments!

>>FanOfMostEverything

FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!

Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.

You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.

Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!

Thanks!

>>GaPJaxie

7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.

Also.

Who bullies a god?

Take it up with Hades. Please get my subtle Disney reference

>>Monokeras

Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.

If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!

>>Morning Sun

I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.

>>georg

I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better! And jinxed

---

Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D

Simply. This was my favorite. Time isn't very abundant for me right now, but I felt this story deserved at least a comment from me.

Bias not included, this was easily one of the better ones in the competition. It was well-written, the prose was pretty, the story was nice and concise all the while having beautiful exchanges of dialogue encompassed by what I think to be the best description I've read for this round. I loved the premise, and the execution was smooth and managed to incorporate some well-placed, embellishing humor on this already spectacular minific.

"No such thing as perfect." Yeah, sure, but from a reader's perspective, I didn't have a single issue with the story, and I won't try to find any criticism to offer, because then I'd be devaluing what I believe to be the best fic (at least from the ones I've read) this Writeoff round. Know what the say: if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Awesome Job! And I really wanna know who wrote this one, because I have a few questions for the author. Nice work, mate! Calling it right now, top five easy, and my bet for the top fic.

This was a nice zany comedy fic, and it's good news for the writer that this story ended up on my slate. I love comedy fics! I'm a sucker for them, and it seems they're ranked quite high on my list in comparison to other genres.

With that being said... this was also my lowest ranking comedy fic. It wasn't terribly low, but it was rather low. Not that this wasn't a good story, but it's more like... every story above it was just plainly better.

I liked this story. I really did, and there aren't any particular issues with it. Sure it needs some brushing up, and some nice touches here and there, but this is still a quality story. Trixie's characterzation is great! It was probably my favorite part of this story, just how well she's portrayed, then the "djinn's" or "jinn's" or "twin genie's from Aladdin" portrayal is like icing on the cake. Or the cherry on top of the milkshake!

And again with that being siad... It just doesn't meet the quality of the other comedy fics above it. I cannot really expand any further than that, because there isn't anything wrong with this story, really. It's just... everything else, in my mind, was better. But if it's worth anything, this was the worst of the better fics. Like... this was one of the better quality fics. Just the worst of the better quality ones... wh-why did I think this was a compliment? It is! I just don't know how to word it to make truly sound like one, haha.

But on a serious job. Great job! One of the better ones, and to the author, you're just a hop, skip and a jump from the finals round. I don't think you'll make it, but I really hope you'll prove me wrong! Because this one feels like on that's up for grabs. Best of luck! I'll keep my eyes out for it!

>>Not_A_Hat

Aha! I see that now. But to me it was unique since I personally had never seen it.

Also. Hat, your poem was beautiful, and you're a beautiful, beautiful bastard. Be proud.

I'll keep this short and sweet. It was beautifully done. I think FanofMostEverything said good poetry is hard to come by, and it really is. Wanna know what's harder? Great poetry. And I think this is some great poetry, so props to the author... errr, I mean poet.

The meter was unique too, and probably my favorite part of this piece of art. I can't wait for the results to come out just so I can rave to the writer how envious I am of this. Amazing work! I expect to see this in the top ten.

>>FanOfMostEverything

I'm not the only one, eh?

Like FanofMostEverything, this one didn't really pop out to me. Don't get me wrong, the quality is all there, and I can see that this is a strong story, one of the better ones I think in terms of concept and execution. The only issue is it didn't work for me. That's no fault to the author, but I just didn't get as invested as it seems some of the other readers did.

Personally, I thought Twilight's characterization was not off... But not all the way on either. Most people are saying how natural this tantrum of her's is, which to an extent I agree. I totally see how Twilight could get upset and behave like this. I could totally see her being petty... But it just didn't feel super Twilight to me. Everyone's interpretation of a character is slightly different than another's, as I'm demonstrating right now. And with this version of Twilight... her antics felt a little absurd. Especially in the wording of the dialogue. She felt more like an upset child almost, especially with the last line essentially being "yeah, whatever." Perhaps it wouldn't irk me so much if I saw how Twilight took this information, because "stupid tree" makes me think she doesn't care. It's probably her refusing to acknowledge the realization, nevertheless I still get the "yeah, whatever" feel despite how much I believe it wasn't intended that way.

The ending kind of stumbled too. It lost its momentum as a story and the execution was muddled.

Apart from that, it was masterfully written. I really thought the writing--up until the end--was very good. Top-notch!

Also, I love the concept of the story and the message at the very end was endearing. It's one that can be told so many ways and yet people still want to show it in the same threadbare ways. But I applaud the author for using symbolism in such a refreshing way to show Twilight that she is the foundation. And it's heart-warming. Then I read GaPJaxie's comment drawing the parallel between Twilight and Celestia which made me push this Fic a little further up my list because of the philosophical value it offered. To clarify, it kept me thinking. I still am. I'm thinking of a cliche in a brand new light. So... Thanks. Marks for originality!

Overall despite me not getting super invested in this one, it really deserves a lot of credit for what it is, and I cannot deny its quality. Regardless of my personal preference. Well done, mate!

>>Bad Horse

RIP. I'm sorry :C

>>Bad Horse

Check again. It was for you, Bad Horse <3