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The Darkest Hour · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Death By Dawn
Sunday, 5:56 a.m.
Canterlot Palace


"I'm sure you know how it is with a new foal, Your Highness," Starblade said as he, Sunspot, and Reveille trotted alongside Princess Celestia through the torch-lit hallway toward the throne room. "Even on a Guard salary, money's always a little tight."

Celestia smiled gently, almost apologetically. "It's tough for everypony right now, Starblade. And I do wish I could do more about rents, but ponies have a painfully exaggerated view of my control over the nobility." She paused as Sunspot lit his horn, fishing his keyring from his saddlebag, and inserted an oversized key in the throne room door. The lock creaked open, and Starblade took a respectful step back as the two Day Guards moved sideways to their posts. "I have introduced a bill for rent subsidies in Parliament," Celestia continued as she lifted a hoof to push the heavy door open, "but without a tax increase—"

The door barely swung ajar before there was a clatter and it hitched and halted. Celestia frowned and pushed a little harder. The door ground open slowly with the sound of metal scraping stone. She narrowed her eyes, lit her horn, and fished around with her field on the far side of the door; with some effort and a loud scrape, she pulled something loose and floated it around the door into view.

A wrought-iron fireplace poker, with a wet reddish-brown stain on the tip.

"Backup!" Sunspot shouted, breaking into a gallop toward the barracks, while Reveille and Starblade leveled spears at the door. Celestia carefully set the poker down and increased the glow on her horn, leaning forward to illuminate the quiet, still room. "Don't disturb anything," she murmured as the guards scrambled inward.

In the center of the room, amid a thick red pool, Prince Blueblood's form lay unmoving.




Sunday, 6:00 a.m.
Throne Room

Blueblood was quite definitively dead, and the room was quickly secured. The eastern and western picture windows were in their winter positions—closed, locked, and braced—and with no other exits, it was easy to confirm that his body had been the only equine inhabitant at the time of the guards' entry.

The guards worked grimly as Captain Rampart barked orders, and the pale hornlight of a few Day Guard unicorns lent the proceedings a ghostly feel. "No spells till we get the auramancers onto the crime scene," he shouted, flaring his wings and leaping in the way whenever anypony got within a half-dozen paces of the body aside from the unicorn carefully setting down evidence tags. Then the shadows in the room shifted as the moon plunged beneath the horizon, and Celestia's frown deepened.

"By your leave, Captain," she said softly, tapping at the nearest window with the back of a hoof, "this regicide is going to become a great deal more public and complicated if I don't bring the sun up right away." He scowled and waved a hoof at her, and Celestia closed her eyes and lit her horn. About ten seconds later, the room's pale hornlight was washed out by the golden light of dawn.

The new light illuminated the huddled form of Starblade in a corner of the room, staring at the body with his tufted ears flat and his grey cheeks visibly pale. He cleared his throat, then again. "Captain," he said faintly, in a voice that nevertheless drew the room into a hush, "I…I think I know who killed the prince."

Every pair of eyes in the room was suddenly on him. Rampart slowly turned around. "Speak."

Starblade's jaw trembled. He closed his eyes and dipped one wingtip into his saddlebags, fishing out a small, velvet bag that fell to the floor with a clink. "I caught Lady Rarity sneaking through the palace halls an hour or two ago," he whispered as Celestia's eyes widened. "She was—" his voice broke—"I needed money and she didn't have a pass, so I threatened her with a trespassing arrest to get a bribe out of her. And she said she just needed to meet somepony for a business discussion, that her Fillydelphia expansion would fall apart without it, she begged, she…" Starblade swallowed. "I told her she could pay me on the way out. She looked weird when she came back. Distant. She was trembling, and reeked of fresh perfume. But she gave me that, so I didn't ask any questions."

Rampart strode over, snatching the bag up in his hooves.

"It's embroidered with the Blueblood crest," he announced, then turned and pointed at two guards by the door. "Go arrest the Element of Generosity."




Sunday, 1:41 p.m.
Canterlot Dungeons

"I came the instant I heard," Twilight said, hooves pressed to the bars of Rarity's cell. "We'll get through this."

Rarity, who was huddled on the straw bed perched atop the slab of raised stone, stared blankly at the cell's opposite wall. Her hair was a matted mess, and tear-streaks had transformed her cheeks into spikes of streaked makeup. In their adventures together, Twilight had on occasion seen Rarity disheveled, but she'd never before seen Rarity looking like she didn't care.

"I'll make this right," Twilight added. Rarity still said nothing.

Twilight stepped back, resettled her wings, and cleared her throat. "All I could get out of my guards was that they think you killed Blueblood after a business deal gone wrong," she said gently. "What really happened last night?"

At that, Rarity finally stirred, her haunted eyes meeting Twilight's. "That's…that's what they're saying?" she rasped.

"Nopony's saying anything," Twilight said. "I had to literally order my guards to tell me what they knew." She forced a smile. "But that's good! It gives us a chance to get the truth out before the rumors start."

Rarity's lips flitted into a humorless smile, and her gaze unfocused again. "I could live with being thought of as his killer."

"No, you couldn't," Twilight said. "The penalty for regicide is death."

Rarity nodded, expression again going numb, then closed her eyes. "Thank you for visiting, Twilight. For what it's worth, you've made me feel quite better."

An odd feeling gnawed at Twilight's stomach. "Rarity," she blurted out, "As your friend…did you kill him?"

"What?" The question seemed to jolt Rarity back to life, and their eyes met again. "No! You know I'd never…don't you?"

Twilight reached through the bars, and Rarity took her hoof, and for a fleeting moment it felt like her again. Something stirred inside Twilight in the same place where the Elements were, and she knew more intimately than she knew her own name that Rarity wasn't lying.

"Then I promise I'll get you out of here," Twilight said. "Just tell me the truth about what happened."

Rarity's face fell, and she shrank back to her huddled spot on the bed.

"I hope you don't come to regret that promise," she whispered, and then said no more.




Sunday, 2:16 p.m.
Throne Room

"Alright, who's in charge here?" Twilight shouted as she pushed through the ring of guards around the door.

A roomful of ponies looked up from their tasks. In an empty roped-off area in the center of the room, some guards and mages were examining the carpet with magnifying glass and spell. Another group was similarly clustered around the throne at the back. More were around what appeared to be a hastily assembled evidence table by the west wall, yet more were around an uncomfortable-looking servant in a chair in the corner, and a final group were crowded around a grim-looking pale blue unicorn wearing a captain's helmet. Celestia—speaking to a small cluster of nobles by the eastern windows—couldn't quite suppress a wince as she gave Twilight an apologetic glance, and then refused to meet Twilight's eyes.

The pale blue unicorn detached himself from his circle of guards and trotted forward, scowling. "Day Guard Captain Rampart," he said stiffly, "Princess."

Twilight scowled back. "Rarity didn't kill him. Let her go."

Rampart took a step forward, nose to Twilight's. "We'll determine that," he said with quiet menace. "This is an active regicide investigation and she's the only major suspect. Your word won't change that. Not even princesses are above the law."

Twilight stared back, unflinching. "No," she said, "but as a princess I do outrank you."

Rampart's lips curled back into a sneer. "It's my duty to refuse unlawful orders."

Twilight smiled thinly. "But you can't keep me from assigning myself to the investigation."

He paused for a moment at that. "I can't," he said slowly, "but I can throw you in jail the instant you try to tamper with it. So tread carefully, princess." The final word was slower, more grudgingly respectful, than his earlier barb, and Twilight couldn't help but feel like she was being given some sort of silent test.

So she took a breath and gave him a conciliatory smile. "I won't get in the way. I just want to know what you've discovered. The truth will show she's innocent."

Rampart's eyes roamed around her expression and posture, and Twilight belatedly stood a little straighter, trying to project cool confidence. Finally, he said, "You do realize how bad this looks for you, right? A friend of the suspect trying to muscle her way into the murder case."

"And how bad would it look for me if the Princess of Friendship didn't do everything she could for her friends?"

His muzzle creased into a frown, but it was more guarded—not the confrontational scowl from earlier. "I don't know what she's told you, but from here it seems open and shut. She had motive and opportunity. She's refusing to answer any questions. We have a witness and solid evidence."

"If it's that open and shut, then convince me. Start from the beginning."

Rampart gestured around the throne room. "Luna ended Night Court and went upstairs to the observatory at around 11:30 p.m. The Night Guard locked the room up around midnight, when the cleaning crew finished tidying up. This whole wing of the castle was deserted after that, except for the occasional Guard patrol. The body was found by Princess Celestia and three guards when she came to the throne room, as usual, to raise the sun—"

"Hold up. It was still locked in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Who had a key?"

Rampart sighed. "There's at least half a dozen copies floating around the guard, not all of which we've accounted for yet—but Prince Blueblood himself demanded a personal copy some time back, and that key was found in his clothes."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Demanded? Canterlot royals don't get keys to their own throne room?"

Rampart glanced away sullenly. "By tradition, no. They've been kept by the Guard for generations—it's a symbolic thing. But technically we couldn't refuse him, just like I can't keep you from jumping in on the case."

Twilight glanced at the door—the inside had a keyhole too, she noted—and tried to project a conciliatory tone. "We're both here for justice. Where does Rarity come into this?"

"Private Starblade confronted her sometime between 4 and 4:30 a.m.—and then again half an hour later, when she looked badly shaken. And before you ask: Despite having to place him on disciplinary leave for bribery, his story checks out. He had no motive, no prior contact with either Blueblood or Rarity, and his finances show no debts or windfalls other than him taking a petty payoff here and there. Nor did he have a throne room key."

Twilight frowned. "Did he see them together?"

"Nopony did," Rampart said. "Other than Starblade meeting Rarity, nopony on the Guard reported anyone in that wing all night."

"Nopony even saw Blueblood come in?" Twilight pressed. "So he and somepony else might have arrived together?"

"Could have," Rampart said grudgingly. "I'm sure it's possible to evade the patrols if you know our schedule. But there's no evidence for it."

"How do you know Rarity even met with Blueblood?"

"The coin purse she gave to Starblade was his," Rampart said. "And there are traces of both Blueblood's magic and Rarity's on it, both dating between 4 and 5 a.m."

Twilight chewed her lip. That didn't look good, she had to admit, but it was a long way from there to being guilty.

"Lady Rarity's motive is also clear," Rampart continued. "We've ordered copies of her files at several Canterlot banks, and the story at each is the same: huge loans and lines of credit, with erratic records of payments." Twilight's eyes widened. "She's on the verge of bankruptcy, and has been for a while. And she sets up a 4 a.m. meeting with a royal who she loathes and has publically humiliated? That has blackmail written all over it."

Twilight felt her cheeks heat. Rarity bankrupt? Rarity blackmailing Blueblood? No wonder she hadn't wanted to say anything back in the jail cell…

Rampart gave Twilight a thin smile—she wasn't sure whether to interpret it as conciliatory or triumphant—and his voice, for the first time, softened. "I'm sorry about your friend, Princess. Sometimes ponies aren't who we thought they were. But we can't let that stand in the way of justice."

Justice. Twilight shook her head and tried to refocus. I have to stay focused on that. Whatever happened…Rarity's not the killer. She took a long breath through her nose, looking around the room as if there were any clues left for it to yield up, and her eyes settled on the evidence table where several ponies were examining a fireplace poker. Focus on the physical evidence.

"You said you linked Rarity and Blueblood to the bag between 4 and 5 a.m.," Twilight said. "I assume that's auramancy, but most of what I know about it comes from Fetlock Holmes novels. What can it really tell you?"

Rampart nodded as if approving of the question. "Actually, that's one of the few things detective fiction gets right. Levitating something—or, for that matter, casting a spell on it—makes it resonate at your unique magical frequency. The power of that resonance weakens at a known rate once your contact stops, and gets refreshed to its maximum if you interact with the object again. Auramancy is just about reading an object's resonant frequencies, giving you a series of 'magical hoofprints' along with approximately how long each signal has had to decay. So we know, for example, that Lady Rarity last magically interacted with the bag around eight and a half hours ago. She might have done so before then as well, but not after."

"So…the evidence doesn't necessarily place them together? Maybe she was so shaken because she arrived to find him dead."

Rampart raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Sure. And she just so happened to rob a corpse and then prop the murder weapon against the door. But she had nothing to do with the death."

Twilight blinked. "Wait, what was that? About the murder weapon."

Rampart hesitated for a moment, then pointed at the evidence table, where several ponies were examining the bloody fireplace poker. "That was used to bash his head in. There's a single impact fracture on the left rear side of the skull. And then it was left leaning against the inside of the throne room door."

Twilight glanced around, furrowing her brow. "Hold on. There's no fireplace here—and even if Rarity were the sort to carry a weapon around, you can't expect me to believe she carried it past Starblade without him noticing."

Rampart's eyes flicked around. "We're, ah, still trying to reconcile some of the evidence with the facts. But there are dozens of fireplaces in the building, and this matches the pokers used throughout the castle. She could have picked it up almost anywhere after their encounter."

Twilight stepped inward, voice turning icy. "'Could have'? My friend is in jail on a 'could have'? That was the first thing you checked, right? You can't possibly have failed to inventory the castle fireplaces by now."

"Look, it's a strange case," Rampart said quietly, not meeting her eyes. "You're right, we checked that first thing, and no pokers were missing this morning. However, one did vanish from Blueblood's room two days ago, and for obvious reasons that seems the likely source. That points to premeditation, and with two days to plan, she could have hidden it somewhere nearby where it wouldn't have been noticed."

"And is her resonance on the murder weapon from the same time as the bag?" Twilight pressed.

Rampart froze.

"Actually," he said, "the only recent resonance on the murder weapon was the victim's—"

"WHAT?" Twilight shouted.

"—which just points to premeditation again!" Rampart continued urgently. "Anypony planning murder would have known we could track them that way, and would have picked the weapon up in their mouth instead. Blueblood's trace was very fresh—between 4:45 and 5:45 a.m. His last action must have been to try to grab for it as he was fighting her off."

"And where's the evidence for that?"

Rampart swallowed. "Well, our spells found no traces of liquid or fabric fibers on the weapon shaft, so she would have had to use professional equipment like a rubber mouthguard, but we already know she came prepared—"

"You know nothing!" Twilight exploded. "Don't give me that! You can't even confirm them in the same room at the same time, and now you don't even have anything to show she had anything to do with his death? That could have been literally anypony holding the poker!"

Rampart, who had been shrinking back under her assault, straightened up a bit at that and fluffed his wings. "Not true," he said firmly. "The poker was left leaning against the only door out. That would have made it impossible for the killer to escape without teleportation. And the only unicorn whose magical trace puts them on the scene in that time period was Lady Rarity."

Twilight hesitated. "…Well, she…" Then she stopped and frowned. "Hold on. Auramancy can read regions too, can't it? A high-powered spell like teleportation would leave a trace in the room."

Rampart stiffened again. "A much more unstable and short-lived one…"

"Not unstable enough to vanish over the course of a few hours." She leaned in toward Rampart so close as to almost touch noses, and wished that she had Celestia's height to tower over him with. "Well? So whose resonance shows spellcasting in the throne room between 4 and 6 a.m.?"

Rampart's eyes flicked around the surrounding guards, to the nobles now watching with undisguised interest from the background, and even to Princess Celestia, as if searching for cover from Twilight's wrath. He swallowed. "Th-there are some facts the investigation is still in the process of accounting for—"

"Who."

"…Nobody. Not a single pony." His voice raised as he glanced around again. "Clearly we're dealing with some kind of magical anomaly, or the killer has some tricks up their sleeve, or—or—" A little fire came back into his eyes. "Or Lady Rarity walked out the door normally, and then teleported the poker to inside the door after she closed and locked it—"

"Uh-huh." Twilight's voice was flat. "She teleported the poker. And left a complete lack of magical resonance on it."

Rampart's eyes darted back and forth between Twilight and Celestia—who was now watching him with undisguised interest. He took a step back, stood straight, and tried to recover some of his lost professionalism. "As I said, there are still facts we're trying to account for. But all of the objections you're raising rule out everypony in the same way that they rule out Lady Rarity. Clearly there's an explanation, and when we find it, the other evidence will show it had to be her."

Twilight took a step forward to stay in his face. "That's not how justice works," she said with quiet menace. "Based on the evidence in your possession, it's impossible for Rarity to have killed him and left. Let her go, or I'll order you off the case and court-martial you when you refuse. Do you think any tribunal in the nation will back you up?"

"But it's a murder case!" he blurted out. "We've got to have a suspect!"

"No," Twilight growled, "it's convenient for you to have a suspect when the newspapers catch wind of this and everypony start demanding results out of the investigation. But that's not my problem." She smiled thinly. "You do realize how bad this is about to look for you, right? Arresting a national hero to cover up your lack of progress."

"No—but—" Rampart stammered, eyes whipping around the room. Then he sagged in defeat, ears lowering, and looked over to a guard at his side.

"Lady Rarity is hereby downgraded to a 'pony of interest'," he said in a bitter voice. "Release her at once."




Sunday, 3:18 p.m.
Canterlot Dungeons

Rarity sat up, looking over quizzically, as the guard unlocked her cell and threw the door wide. Twilight smiled gently and beckoned her forward with a wing.

Rarity closed her eyes, letting out a long and trembling breath. She shifted upright and plodded forward, leaning into a long hug with Twilight, and Twilight could feel her body shake with silent sobs.

"It's alright, Rarity," Twilight whispered. "You're free."

Rarity's body heaved again, and there was a sound along with it that sounded almost like a laugh. "I'm not, darling," she whispered. "I'm truly not. I'm not even certain you have done me a kindness. Nevertheless, I am grateful."

Twilight swallowed, and hugged Rarity a little tighter. "I…heard about your finances," she said hesitantly. "I'm going to fix that. Tell me what you need."

"Again, I'm grateful," Rarity murmured. "But it's not so simple as a lack of bits. The problem is I've failed you and failed Equestria. I'm the Element of Generosity, Twilight. How can I exemplify that if I cannot even provide for myself?"

"We've worked through harder friendship lessons," Twilight said. "We'll figure it out."

"I admire your optimism. I suspect I am ruined nonetheless. Public opinion is not so easy to repair as a loan payment."

"Nonsense," Twilight said firmly. "I forced Captain Rampart to admit in front of everypony that you weren't even a suspect any more. There's no reason for any of this to get out to the public, and we'll get your finances straightened out before they can cause any more trouble."

Rarity pulled back from Twilight with an odd look on her muzzle. "You what?…Twilight, darling, did he say what I am to the investigation now?"

"A pony of interest."

"And who are the suspects now?"

"Um," Twilight said, "unless he's had some ideas in the last half-hour, nopony."

Rarity's face fell, and she touched Twilight on the shoulder. "You're dreadfully smart, Twilight," she said quietly, "but you are not and never will be political. 'Pony of interest' is a polite way of saying that I am suspected of all but the act itself. And unless I miss my guess, you've sorely wounded the good captain's ego; no act of vengeance would be simpler nor more defensible than enumerating the 'ponies of interest' to the press in lieu of admitting his lack of leads. Twilight…I do not wish to impress upon you the weight of guilt, because I would be in equally dire straits had you not intervened, but my ruination is more or less guaranteed."

Twilight felt the blood drain from her cheeks. "What?!"

Rarity gave her a brave smile. "You tried, and for that, as I said, I am grateful."

Twilight grabbed Rarity's shoulders. "I'm not done trying. How do I fix this?"

"Frankly, I suspect my situation unfixable. But in the matter of Rampart, I would open with an apology, and then offer some quid pro quo. Assist him in his duties. Secure his political fortunes. Make him, in short, look good."

"Alright." Twilight frowned, looking away. "…I think that means finding the murderer for him."

"Then I wish you great success," Rarity said quietly. "It may buy me a day or two. For my own part…I believe I need to retire to a hotel room and soak in a hot bath for the remainder of my final evening as a respected lady."

Twilight glanced back into Rarity's eyes. "Hold on," she said with equal gentleness. "Help me help you. Anything you could tell me might be the key."

Rarity shuddered. "Please, Twilight. This is torture enough. Do not make me relive last night."

Twilight winced. "I'm sorry, but I've got to have some place to start. I have to.…How about a yes-or-no question?…No, two. Two questions and I'll leave you alone unless there's no other choice."

"Perhaps," Rarity said with some effort. "Ask."

"Did you meet anypony in the castle last night, anypony at all, besides Blueblood and that guard you bribed?"

"I'm afraid not," Rarity said, and Twilight blinked, having braced for the opposite.

"Uh, alright. Was Blueblood alive when you last saw him?"

Rarity shuddered again. "To my regret…yes."




Sunday, 4:46 p.m.
Canterlot Palace

Twilight's path back to the controlled chaos of the throne room spiraled through an endless series of detours and loops as she thought furiously—but every single possibility kept dead-ending in that poker propped up against the door. How could anypony possibly have left it there and gotten out, with no magical traces in the room and none but Blueblood's on the weapon?

And for that matter, why would the killer have left the murder weapon behind in such an impossible way? Why would they have left it behind at all, when they could have taken it with them and disposed of it? And if they were planning that far ahead, why use a crude tool like a stolen fireplace poker instead of, oh, say, an easily concealable knife or garrote? And how did they manage to catch Blueblood by surprise and hit him from behind while carrying such a visibly threatening—

"Twilight?" Celestia's gentle voice interrupted her thoughts.

Twilight started, and glanced up into her former mentor's eyes. Celestia gave her a pained smile. "I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. And I'm sorry I didn't send word earlier, but as one of the key witnesses, I've been snarled up in the investigation from the beginning."

"It's alright," Twilight said, and let out a breath. "Kind of. I proved Rarity innocent, but her name's about to be dragged through the mud because I cost Captain Rampart his only suspect."

Celestia winced. "Yes. I…saw your little altercation with the captain. Tell you what, Twilight." She touched a hoof to Twilight's shoulder and smiled. "That's a political problem, and I live and breathe politics. Let me help you smooth that over." The hoof shifted up to Twilight's cheek, and Twilight blushed for a moment before she realized that it was tracing an arc under her eyes. "And once we buy you and Rarity some time, why don't you sleep on it so you can tackle the problem with a fresh mind? You look like the Book Fairy ran you over with a fully-loaded chariot."

Twilight couldn't help but laugh. "I…um…might have been up until 2 a.m. studying in my library last night," she said. "Then it was market day, and then I heard about Rarity when I got back to the castle, and I might have burned through my thaumic reserve teleporting straight to Canterlot from Ponyville, and I've been untangling impossible things since." She looked up hopefully. "Is there anything you've heard that the captain didn't tell me? We should compare notes."

"We should," Celestia said. "Tomorrow. For now, the most important thing is to make certain Rarity's reputation survives intact." She shook her head, grimacing. "The poor mare doesn't deserve this. Not after what she's been through with Blueblood."

Twilight deliberated for a moment, then asked, "What did happen between them last night?"

"Huh?" Celestia said, looking at Twilight and blinking. She tilted her head. "I haven't the foggiest, except for what I've overheard, same as you. What I meant was his vendetta against her dating back to that first Gala. All his torment of her and attempted sabotage of her businesses…I've stopped what I could, but I can't be everywhere. It seems she can't even be rid of him after he's passed on. At least there's nothing more he can do to her now."

"Yeah," Twilight said, though she had a sinking feeling that wasn't settled yet.




Sunday, 5:02 p.m.
Throne Room

"…We both, of course, have the utmost confidence in you, Captain. Isn't that right, Twilight?"

"Uh, yes," Twilight said with what she hoped wasn't too vigorous of a nod, and added in yet another "I'm sorry."

Rampart stood between them as if pinned to the wall. "Of course, Your Majesties. I…" He swallowed and looked into Twilight's eyes. "I'm trying my best with a matter of such urgency and sensitivity. I hope you understand."

"No hard feelings," Twilight said, and felt a little twinge of guilt. "…Alright, maybe some little hard feelings. But I forgive you. That's the important thing. I just want us to both get this right, and I don't want to make your job harder."

A wry smile curled across Rampart's muzzle. "Those are two goals that are by definition at odds, Princess. But if I can have some help running interference with the press now that word is starting to leak…"

"Of course," Celestia said.

Twilight nodded, more firmly this time. "You just focus on the investigation," she said, and grinned. "And keep me posted. I'm still technically on the team, and as long as we stick to the truth I'll go after anypony in your way with the ferocity I went after you."

Celestia raised one eyebrow at Twilight with a wry smile. Rampart just grinned back and saluted. "Yes, Princess."

"Any new suspects?" Twilight said. "Or any new information? Oh! Speaking of which, I did get a brief statement out of Rarity." She floated over a paper on which she'd written out the very tail end of their conversation.

Rampart skimmed it, nodded, and hoofed it into his saddlebags. "Thank you. Hopefully this will help." He sighed. "Unfortunately, no new leads from this end. We're running every test we can think of, and dragging in half of Canterlot University to see if we can reproduce a spell that doesn't leave any resonance. Right now, we're looking into the possibility of changelings being involved, but since they have unique and unchangeable magical frequencies the same way unicorns do, it's back to the exact same problems."

Twilight thought about that for a moment—two Bluebloods attacking each other—and blinked. "There is one killer we haven't considered yet," she said. "Blueblood."

Rampart shook his head. "This would be the world's craziest suicide, if so. But too many pieces don't fit. The location of the wound. How the poker ended up against the door."

"But it explains the mystery that confounds every other one of our theories! It's impossible for anyone to have exited the room after the poker was placed…but Blueblood never left. And we know for a fact he levitated the poker around the time of his death, and that nopony else did. There are—like you said with Rarity—a lot of weird details to straighten out, but it's not outright contradicted by our evidence, and right now that makes it uniquely worth pursuing."

Celestia thought for a moment, then slowly nodded. "Logically, she has a compelling point, doesn't she?"

Twilight nodded back, wheels furiously spinning in her mind. Celestia was opening her mouth to say something else when a thought sparked, and Twilight hurriedly added, "Hang on—I think I've got it!"

"Oh?" Rampart said.

"Not suicide, exactly. See…we know Blueblood and Rarity met, and she was weaponless, and the poker had vanished from Blueblood's room. He brought the poker. Blueblood was the one who swung it at Rarity." Twilight beamed. "Her actions were self-defense, not murder! And, in fact, since her resonance isn't on the weapon at all—" more pieces fell into place—"I bet she just ducked when she got attacked, and his own swing hit him and mortally wounded him on the follow-through! And then, as she was galloping for the door, he threw the poker at her. She slammed and locked it, and the poker landed propped against the door."

There was silence for a moment. Celestia—who had been staring at Twilight and making subtle hoof gestures across her neck, Twilight belatedly realized—returned her hoof to the floor and visibly winced.

"I feel compelled to warn you," Rampart said slowly, "I do have to reopen the investigation on Lady Rarity, then. Royal blackmail isn't a capital crime, but it's still a major felony in connection with the death."

"Oh," Twilight said faintly. "Uh…"

"Though I do have to say that I'm unexpectedly impressed by your commitment to following the truth wherever it may lead."

"As am I," Celestia smoothly added, "but both of you must admit the odds of a thrown fireplace poker landing point-down and leaning against the door are rather ludicrous."

"But less impossible and more comprehensive than any alternative so far," Rampart said with obvious reluctance. "As awkward as it might be, I don't think the investigation can ignore the idea. At the very least we need to establish the nature of Lady Rarity's alleged leverage and whether it might have driven him to such an act."

Celestia turned to fully face Rampart with her most royal smile. "I'm afraid I'm just an outside observer here, but it seems to me that, owing to the delicacy of the situation, such an unlikely possibility might not require immediate investigation? Perhaps you could assign some guards to it tomorrow so as not to pull them from their current leads."

Rampart shook his head. "We can't risk destruction of evidence." But his face softened at Twilight's anguished look. "Look, we can at least make it house arrest. That will be a great deal quieter and more comfortable for her."

"That would be most gracious of you, Captain," Celestia said, and turned away, clamping a wing over Twilight's back and dragging her alongside.

"Twilight," Celestia hissed once they had both exited the throne room and rounded a corner, "get some sleep."




Sunday, 11:44 p.m.
Twilight Sparkle's Room
Scholar Tower, Canterlot Palace

Twilight couldn't sleep.

There was the guilt, of course. Crushing, suffocating guilt. If she'd only kept her big, fat mouth shut…

But her mind was also chasing its own tail, desperately attacking the evidence from every possible angle, thinking of everything she'd been told, trying to assemble the scene in her head, playing and replaying various scenarios of Blueblood's death, inserting phantom killers into the scene and trying to remove them.

Was it Blueblood's attempted murder gone wrong? she thought, desperately trying to tear down her own theory, and after several sleepless hours she decided it couldn't have been. Rarity's been through Tartarus with me, she thought. Almost literally, in Tirek's case. If Rarity had simply dodged Blueblood trying to kill her, she wouldn't have refused to talk to me about it. Twilight grimly smiled, remembering Rarity's last words to her. And she probably would have gone back to finish the job.

So the task was clear: piece together an alternate explanation that wasn't contradicted by the facts.

She closed her eyes and assembled a timeline, start to finish. No—start to her arrival. Rampart was as flawed as any of them. Maybe there was something she wasn't being told. Something he was hiding, or didn't know, or was overlooking. Twilight had teased information out of Rarity he hadn't been able to get, after all.

She tried to imagine the throne room being swarmed by guards. The chaos of securing the scene. Photographing the body, measuring the blood pool, securing the evidence, combing the room, keeping out onlookers, calling the auramancers—

Twilight's eyes snapped open.

There was the missing clue, clear as day.

And there was a conversation that couldn't wait.




Sunday, 11:58 p.m.
Tower of the Sun
Canterlot Palace

"I need to talk to you about the murder," Twilight said as soon as Celestia had shooed out her guards and closed the door. "Here. Now."

Celestia gave her a strained smile, lighting her horn to adjust the collar of her nightgown. "I understand how important this is to you, Twilight," she said, "but I dearly hope you're willing to give my suggestion of a good night's sleep some consideration."

Twilight's resolve wavered, but only for a moment. She drew a deep breath. "No," she said. "Which is to say, I tried. But this can't wait."

Celestia let out a little huff-sigh and nodded, the smile never leaving her muzzle. "Go ahead."

"Alright," Twilight said, and steeled herself. "Let's say, hypothetically, I was going to ask your alibi for the murder as part of the investigation. What would you say?"

Celestia blinked and tensed—and then she nodded again, her smile growing gentle and sympathetic and sad, and her posture relaxed. "I understand, Twilight," she said. "Justice is blind; the investigation has to suspect everypony, and it's rattling your foundation that you might discover something uncomfortable about me the same way you did Rarity. Right?"

"Right," Twilight said, stomach twisting.

"To answer your question, I was sleeping all night. By happy chance, I had tailors working overnight in my parlor on a dress for tonight's ball, and they can testify I didn't leave my bedroom. My bedroom will also test free of spell residue. My hoofmaidens got me up about 45 minutes before sunrise, and I took a shower—I'm sure they were listening to my humming from here. After they helped me get dressed, I was with the guards until the body was found."

Twilight stared at Celestia's gentle expression for a while, and slowly nodded. "Would I be correct that you handled the murder weapon in your horngrip when the throne room door was opened, by the way?"

"That's correct." Celestia was holding Twilight's stare, and her face was a modem of patient cooperation. "I'm afraid it fell in such a way as to block the door, and we didn't know it was a murder scene yet."

Twilight's gaze dropped to the carpet. She wasn't making this easy.

"Is there anything else?" Celestia gently prompted.

"I suppose so," Twilight said, staring back into Celestia's eyes again. "Again, hypothetically, if I were asking you questions as part of the investigation ... given how both of us affirmed the logic of suicide just a few hours ago, why haven't you commented on my repeatedly asking you about the murder just now?"

A muscle in Celestia's jaw twitched.

Slowly, she closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath.

Twilight waited, gut crumpling into a tiny ball.

"I'm sorry," Celestia said softly, "I'm just trying to figure out where to start. I could ask just how hypothetical this really is, but the answer doesn't actually matter. You're smart, Twilight, terribly smart, and I won't insult you by playing bluffing games with what we both know and don't know. And half of what I want to say is irrelevant because the damage to your trust has already been done." Celestia opened her eyes and turned toward her kitchenette, floating a teapot and some leaves toward the sink. "Let's start, then, with a fact: Prince Blueblood took his own life. And another fact: Tomorrow morning, test results will show that at his time of death he'd just eaten a wafer of potent magical poison."

"Tell me everything," Twilight said faintly.

Celestia glanced back over her shoulder as the teapot filled. "Are you sure? If we both go to sleep now, then you'll wake up with Rampart realizing that Blueblood's death was a suicide intended to look like a murder, and that he was framing Rarity. That's enough to allow the inquest to be closed without dragging an innocent victim's secrets into the light. The blackmail investigation can be handled separately and more discreetly. You both get the happy ending. If I tell you anything beyond that—" Celestia's voice grew faint—"you'll have some hard choices to make, indeed."

"Better that than to always wonder," Twilight said quietly.

"I figured. But I had to ask." Celestia smiled wryly. "First of all, I owe you an apology. I owe Rarity an apology. I had no idea she would be caught up in this, and her involvement has very nearly unraveled all the good I was trying to accomplish. I'm truly sorry, and that doesn't count for much, but I'm doing all I can to make it right."

"Sorry for what?"

Celestia set the teapot on her stove. "For my part in this, of course. Blueblood…among his many other vile acts, for years he has forced himself on the palace staff, time and time again. Luna and I tried everything possible to rehabilitate him, or even rein him in, but he simply got craftier about his transgressions, threatening his victims into silence. The final straw was two days ago. When he learned he had impregnated a maid named Feather Duster, he beat her to death with a fireplace poker rather than risk her condition alerting us to his actions—and then disposed of her body, blaming her disappearance on her running away."

Twilight's face paled.

"Yes," Celestia continued, "that poker. There's no going back from that, Twilight; he had to be dealt with. But turning him over to the law would have caused a scandal that would have ruined us all for a mere slap on the wrist—he destroyed and befouled too much evidence for the murder charge to stick, and he's long been the favored son of the Canterlot nobility that would have comprised his jury. So I arranged a private confrontation, and gave him a choice: He could end his own life amid a scandal that would blow over quickly, and gain quiet burial of his history of misdeeds; or I would release to the public every last indiscretion we could document, and while it would ruin our own reputations for a generation or more, his name would go down in history as a curse word for villainy."

"You teleported into the throne room with the poker," Twilight said. "Your handling of the weapon was cloaked by picking it up when you arrived at sunrise, and your teleportation spell was cloaked by your daily routine of raising the sun from the throne room."

"The poison he chose to take was a concentrated numbing agent, paralytic in high doses," Celestia said. "He was dead by the time I hit him, but even if he hadn't been, he wouldn't have felt anything." She sighed. "I did misaim the blow slightly, but didn't dare to try again and ruin the effect even more."

"But why set up such a murder scene? Why not just let him die of the poison?"

"As justice," Celestia said quietly. "The death would have been—very briefly—blamed on the missing mare, until it became interpreted as a suicide with which Blueblood intended to cast suspicion on her, by maiming himself with a weapon once numb. That would have cleared her name of his earlier aspersions, and justified us in awarding the family a restitution payment. Unfortunately, Blueblood was also meeting Rarity that same night, and the miscast blame shone an unintended light on her woes…as well as led to your involvement, and this talk. Again, I'm sorry."

Twilight thought. "Was Rampart in on it? He never told me about your handling of the poker or your sun-raising."

"Not as such," Celestia said. "He did, in fact, investigate my alibi, and I'm sure he found it as suspicious as you did. But to have accused a princess of murder, or even intimated he suspected me, without unimpeachable evidence would have ended his career. And he himself authorized my solar raising. That put him in a desperate bind to find any other solution, which I was counting on to help sell the staged-murder angle."

A whistle began to build from the teapot, and Celestia removed it from heat and poured two cups of smoky grey tea. "Which leads us to your hard choice, I'm afraid. Now that you know the truth, Twilight, either you have to turn me in or become an accessory to that death. A well-justified death, I'd like to think…Blueblood was a monster, no less so than Tirek or Sombra. But if I only ever listen to my own judgment, there's nothing stopping me from becoming the monster that he was." Celestia set down the teapot and closed her eyes. "I didn't kill Blueblood, at least not in any way that a court of law will execute me for—but with your testimony of my confession, they can strip me of my throne and duties. If you think that's what I deserve, I swear by my sun I won't resist or retaliate in any way. And if not…" her voice dropped to a whisper. "Then both our souls are a tiny bit darker tonight."

Twilight closed her eyes and bowed her head.

Then she picked up the second teacup, and silently took a sip.

Celestia smiled, with infinite pain and weariness, and sipped her tea.




Moonday, 10:14 a.m.
Room 1410, Canterlot Hayatt Regency

"It turns out he committed suicide," Twilight said, staring carefully at a smudge in the paint two meters to the left of the suite's biggest wall art. "In a way designed to frame somepony for his death. Captain Rampart has been quite understanding of the principle that publicizing the 'murder' angle would just be enabling Blueblood to victimize you one last and cruelest time. The records of the investigation are going to be sealed as soon as he makes today's announcement."

Rarity sat up, hope creeping into her expression for the first time since the arrest. "Sealed? He…it's all staying private? Twilight, I barely know what to say. Thank you. Thank you."

Twilight chewed her lip for a moment. "That's not all, Rarity. I…think I understand what happened two nights ago." She tried to put as much empathy in her voice as possible. "You never had blackmail material on him. That's not you. He had some on you—and I don't want to know what. I don't want to know why. Let it die with him. You're my friend, and nothing else matters."

"Twilight," Rarity whispered, and her voice held so much gratitude that Twilight didn't have to turn around to know there were tears spilling down her cheeks.

She kept her gaze firmly on that smudge. "And…Rarity." Somehow, this felt like the hardest part—harder than confronting Celestia, even harder than staring at the ceiling marinating in failure. "If…if you ever want to talk about what he did to you two nights ago…"

For a moment, it was too much. Instead, Twilight closed her eyes and pictured an unmarked grave on the slopes outside the city, perhaps never to be found. I can't help you, she thought. But I can remember you.

"I can't imagine what that was like for you," Twilight said. "But you weren't the only one he did that to. You're not alone. And if you ever want some help to start healing…I'll be right here."

White hooves tightened around Twilight's chest, and Rarity clung to Twilight, wordlessly sobbing.

Twilight turned around and held her friend until both of their tears were dry.
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#1 ·
·
Very nice:

With the writing, the only thing I'll ask, author, is that you take a look at the first two paragraphs and rewrite all the "as" clauses. 'Cause right now, there's one in every sentence.

As for the story--he said using an "as" clause--I'd like to comment, but could someone please tell me how to make the big black "spoiler" bars appear over the text here? This is a murder mystery, and I don't wanna give anything away...

Thanks!
Mike
#2 ·
· · >>Baal Bunny
Does it work?
Just use [ spoiler ] and [ /spoiler ]
#3 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
Thanks, >>Monokeras:

You're just answering all my questions today! :)

The only suggestion I'll make in the denoument is to give Celestia either a couple lines talking about how this isn't the first time she's felt the need to do this--or maybe have Twilight realize that Celestia's probably done this before but she decides not to ask about it--or give her a couple lines about how it is the first time she's been forced to take extreme measures like this. Because it's either one or the other, and it could make for a good moment to address the issue.

Mike Again
#4 ·
·
>>Baal Bunny
My pleasure Mike.
Old timers must stick together.
#5 · 1
·
I have mixed feelings about this story.

On a technical level, it's got the goods. The mystery is compellingly developed. The dialogue is crisp, and it makes the repartee between the characters fun to read and easy to follow. But in terms of content and structure, I felt it was missing a lot.

I'll preface my criticisms by saying that much of what I took issue with is probably the result of time and space constraints. This is a big story with a grander scope than I think can fit into 8k words, and I get the feeling important details needed to be cut in order to make it work in time.

I'm not the type to cry foul about rape being used as a plot element just on principle, but I do believe that it needs to be handled delicately, and I don't think you used it very well in this context. Blueblood's a scoundrel and a cad, but a serial rapist? That's tough to swallow. It can be done, I think, but you need to do serious legwork in order to establish his, er... appetites. Again, though, I don't think you had the time and space to develop this mystery as thoroughly as you did, and given the quality of your prose and the overall quality of the story's structure, I can take it on faith that you could have, and would have, if you'd had more room to work with.

On the other hand, to imply that Rarity - Rarity - was one of his victims feels shallow and manipulative, not like an organic part of the story. Rarity's presence in general doesn't feel very organic, and I think it owes to the endgame implication that Blueblood raped her, or blackmailed her into having sex with him. Her character isn't dwelt on or developed to a great extent; her trauma is apparent, but not important enough to be dealt with directly, and her role in the story seems to be motivate Twilight to involve herself in the investigation. And if that's the case, and she's only there so that Twilight will be personally invested in the crime... why is it necessary for her to be raped?

Despite my criticism, I won't say that you need to take it out. But if you revise this story after the writeoff, and expand it, then I would suggest that you deal more directly with Rarity and her trauma, and make what happened to her more relevant to the investigation than it is. In short, do more to justify Rarity's inclusion and her particular role.

Also, I'm having trouble following the Canterlot hierarchy here. I like the fact that there's some sort of check on the monarch's ability to act unilaterally. I like that there's a Parliament that Celestia proposes legislation to, and I like that Princesses aren't "above the law," as it were. But the scene where Rampart and Twilight wave their dicks at one another was hard to follow. First he threatens to have her arrested, then he admits he can't keep her off the investigation, then she threatens to take him off the investigation... which one of them is really in charge, again? Then there's the fact that Celestia had to defer to Rampart, and ask his approval, before going off to raise the sun. I initially took that as her just performing a courtesy for him, but then later, she says he "authorized" her to leave the crime scene. Celestia has to defer to a member of her own Royal Guard when it comes to performing her most important duty, and that just strikes me as bizarre.

Honestly, it... it felt like this, but played straight.

But this is my biggest problem with the story: I don't understand why Blueblood had to fucking murder one of his rape victims before Celestia finally decided that enough was enough. She said she tried to rehabilitate and curb his indiscretions, and that it didn't work. Okay, I can understand Equestria being compassionate enough to rehabilitate someone like Blueblood as option A., and to that end, I can probably overlook the detail that he wasn't brought up on charges the second she became aware of his crimes. But there is no excuse for her, or for Luna, to have not acted once it became clear that he wasn't ever going to change. Why wasn't he ever held accountable? Because he's too popular with the nobility for anything to stick against him? If Twilight, who I assume is higher in the hierarchy than Blueblood, can be held accountable by the law for interfering with a criminal investigation, then Blueblood can, and should, be held accountable for committing crimes which are far more heinous.

Or is it because Celestia was afraid of the scandal that would follow if his crimes were ever brought to light? Because that would suggest that she cares more about the image of the royal family than she does about all the lives that Blueblood has ruined, and stood to ruin, as long as he continued Cosby-ing his way through the castle. And if that is the case, then she's covering up the crimes of one of her family for purely political reasons, and Twilight absolutely should have brought it to light. In a society where royals are not untouchable, are accountable for their wrongdoings, she has no business ruling. Neither does Luna, for that matter, if she knew about Blueblood's antics and did nothing either.

I can, however, see Twilight deciding not to go through all of that purely for Rarity's sake, because she's that devoted a friend. But at the very least, there should be more of an acrimonious ending to her scene with Celestia.

The last thing I want to criticize here is the way the murder of what's-her-face the maid was handled. I don't believe it was brought up once until Celestia explained everything to Twilight at the end of the story. Something that important should have been foreshadowed far earlier, and should have been made relevant to the investigation, rather than being a footnote in an infodump at the end. But, yet again, that's probably because of time and space constraints, so I won't harp too badly on it.

Ditto Twilight's sudden epiphany regarding Celestia. That should have taken more doing. Although, yet again, time and space constraints seem to be the real criminals here


Final verdict: I can't like or dislike this story. It has too many merits for me to give it a thumbs-down, but I have too many issues with it, its premise, its structure, and its ending, to approve it either. It pains me to do so, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to abstain on this.

Author, whoever the hell you are, I would love to read a fully realized version of this story.
#6 · 1
· · >>Posh >>Zaid Val'Roa
Righto, spoiler texting here too just to be safe.

Okay, the actual MYSTERY part of this is handled well. I have no major complaints there, and had considered Celestia as a possible suspect from moment one as a flight of fancy but largely wrote her off, figuring suicide as the next likely option; so, in some ways, kudos to that. Now, onto the problems:

Characterization in this does not gel with characterization in MLP. First off, Celestia and Luna are guilty of aiding and abetting repeated rapes. Yes, I can understand their desire to rehabilitate, but to the degree they let it happen again and again and again, and create an even greater miscarriage of justice? No. That doesn't fit for either of them. They are leaving a known predator loose to act again and again and inflict trauma again and again. And while I totally buy that for some sort of Victorian Holmesian noble, this is again Celestia and Luna. If you're going that route you'd better be able to sell it and sell it hard, and that is not at all done here.

Secondly, Rarity is turned into a sexual assault victim for no purpose other than to cast her as a falsely accused murder suspect. She doesn't really have her own agency in this story; she's traumatized and thus clams up and thus becomes effectively another mystery for Twilight to unravel. And while it's true we cannot predict how anypony would react in such a situation - I somehow feel as if Rarity would be the least likely of the Mane 6 to ever try to bury what happened. Third, we have Celestia as our 'murderer' here in an In the Pale Moonlight sense, with Twilight Sparkle as our Sisko to Celestia's Garak. And...yea, I can buy Twilight accepting the coverup, but yet again, where's the Celestia characterization that makes me believe she's going to do this? And uh, why even bother doing anything but letting him remain poisoned when hitting him with the poker just complicates things? Had she let him just keel over dead, none of this would ever have been an issue. And the whole 'I wanted to drag his name through the mud' kind of doesn't gel with her earlier goals of keeping everything hush hush. So...yea. Celestia, Luna, and Rarity all feel varying degrees of wrong here.

And one last thing - I don't see how they would pay their guards so little that bribery is something that is that commonplace as it seems to be here. That is another kinda sticking point.
Tier - Needs Work on one end, Solid on the other, thus going to be given a midrange rating.
#7 · 1
·
That was a glorious intellectual beatdown. My heart was in throat. Kudos.
… Likewise kudos on the unforeseen consequences.

This was a fantastic mystery… but as others have noted, the details don’t quite gel with Equestria as we know it or the ponies therein. Also, there seems to be an economic downturn that isn’t ever really explained; are we to assume that the nobles have decided to bleed the nation apropos of nothing? If so, assuming Blueblood led them in it, why wasn’t that the impetus to eliminate him?

This is amazing on the surface. A little more work will bring that same quality to all levels.
#8 · 1
·
>>Morning Sun

Third, we have Celestia as our 'murderer' here in an In the Pale Moonlight sense, with Twilight Sparkle as our Sisko to Celestia's Garak


i love you
#9 · 1
·
My biggest gripe in what's otherwise a great thriller, is that the resolution isn't brought so much by Twilight making clear deductions and unravelling the mystery but rather by simply confronting Celestia and having her spell out the solution to the audience.

After seeing Twilight pick apart the crime scene and possible motivations so efficiently, it really is anticlimactic that the big reveal comes through expodumping in lieu of actual detective work, which you've shown you're capable of writing.

Yes, there's issues with characterisation, the inner workings of the nobility, and payrolls and whatnot, but I'm willing to accept all of these as long as the story puts forth something equally valuable to balance it out. And while the story did indeed manage to keep me going, the aforementioned issue with the ending tipped the scales.

So, while I love this story, I can't place it higher in my ranking than it could have.



>>Morning Sun
but to the degree they let it happen again and again and again, and create an even greater miscarriage of justice?


It pains to admit, but I laughed harder than what would be considered appropriate.
#10 · 1
·
I think the culprit's identity is too easy to guess right at the beginning. The way Celestia insists on using a powerful spell, immediately after the Captain states "No spells till we get the auramancers onto the crime scene", very clearly implies that she's trying to mask her own aura. And why couldn't the captain just ask her to leave the room before using the spell?

Actually, it might work better if it isn't revealed until later what Celestia and the guards were exactly doing in the room at 6.00 AM. The fact that Celestia raised the sun from inside the room, before the auras could be inspected, is too much of a crucial clue to reveal immediately -- or at least, to reveal openly. How about subtly hinting about how the sunrise happened at a specific hour, which, the observant reader notices, also was the hour when Celestia was stated to be still in the room?

On the other hand, I liked the implication that Celestia blockaded the door with the "murder" weapon so that she had an excuse for handling it later, thus masking her aura/fingerprint equivalent on it -- that's clever.
#11 ·
·
E - Death by Dawn — A+ — A murder mystery, very interesting. You have my attention. And the corpse is the correct one too, according to fandom. And the killer unexpected to me (because I don’t get in-depth when reading these, just surfing along instead). I didn’t notice Baal’s as clauses, because I’m horribly guilty of the same, I suppose. I enjoyed this one.
#12 · 2
·
As I was reading I prepared a long list of what I consider to be this story's shortcomings. It was getting to be kind of long, but Posh hits them all above, so I won't pile on.

And yet. And yet. This story still gets a spot in the middle of the slate from me. Because it tried something that few other stories try -- a locked room mystery, which is one of the most fiendishly difficult stories to craft.

Was it perfect? No. Did it have some holes? Yes, tons. But considering that it was written in the space of three days, it's still a pretty good attempt, and I always make it my policy to reward ambition.
#13 ·
· · >>Posh >>Cold in Gardez
The Great

At a technical level, this is probably near the best in my slate. Not to say it is perfect, but you executed very well, particularly given the short duration of the competition.

A very solid arc all through. Well paced.

The Rough

Let's get the big issue out of the way. I guessed the culprit by scene 1, and was sure by scene 5. Unsure if it was unintentional, but the title is -too- cute and immediately puts the idea in your mind, particularly when combined with having Celestia be part of the crew to discover it. You don't really establish any decent alternates and the logic you create with the magic basically assures it has to be Celestia.

Rampart is bizarrely antagonistic throughout most of the story. Like, I realize the show downplays it, but seriously: Twilight is divine royalty who has saved Equestria multiple times and personal friends with Celestia. He is actively choosing career suicide for no good reason. His attitude needs to be reigned in.

Finally, this story gets really dark really fast and in a very jarring way. Like, I get that we are a little out of standard MLP territory from moment 1, but we go from Law and Order to Law and Order SVU in the space of an instant, and we go HARD. Probably too hard. If you're gonna trot out immense sexual assault, you kinda need to establish things are that dark from the start. And yeah, see the above stuff with the implied assault on Rarity.
#14 · 1
· · >>AndrewRogue
>>AndrewRogue
we go from Law and Order to Law and Order SVU in the space of an instant, and we go HARD.


Yeah, but I read on Kotaku that this story's even better than Civ V with the Brave New Worlds expansion set.
#15 ·
· · >>Posh
>>Posh
I feel like I'm missing a reference here. >_>
#16 · 1
· · >>AndrewRogue >>Zaid Val'Roa
>>AndrewRogue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ygKd5oxoSU
#17 · 1
·
>>Posh
I feel enlightened, but I regret it.
#18 · 1
·
>>Posh
You just know this was written by writers.
#19 ·
· · >>Posh >>AndrewRogue
>>AndrewRogue

See, I find that odd. My reaction when reading was that Rampart was being a complete pushover. If anything, he didn't do enough to stand up to the princess.

He doesn't work for her – he works for Celestia. She has no experience whatsoever with criminal investigations, is clearly compromised by her close relationship with Rarity, is compromised again because she's concluded before she even starts 'helping' that Rarity must be innocent. She threatens him, which should have immediately raised his hackles.

Honestly, if I'd been in his position, I'd have immediately gone to Celestia. And if Celestia is worth her salt as a regent, she'd have agreed and kindly asked Twilight to let the professionals do their job.
#20 ·
· · >>Cold in Gardez
>>Cold in Gardez
Honestly, if I'd been in his position, I'd have immediately gone to Celestia. And if Celestia is worth her salt as a regent, she'd have agreed and kindly asked Twilight to let the professionals do their job.


I don't know if this version of Celestia's worth her salt. After all, she let a serial rapist get away with serial rape, and didn't take action until his crimes affected someone she was close to (Rarity) and got someone killed (what's-her-face the maid).
#21 · 1
·
>>Cold in Gardez
See, I find that odd. My reaction when reading was that Rampart was being a complete pushover. If anything, he didn't do enough to stand up to the princess.


Well, the issue is not that he opposes her involvement or his objectivity, it's that he's pissy about it.

The pale blue unicorn detached himself from his circle of guards and trotted forward, scowling. "Day Guard Captain Rampart," he said stiffly, "Princess."

Twilight scowled back. "Rarity didn't kill him. Let her go."

Rampart took a step forward, nose to Twilight's. "We'll determine that," he said with quiet menace.


Like, I can buy that Twilight's intro into that scene is irritating, but, again. He is talking to royalty, divinity, personal protege of your boss, and the literal multi-time savior of the land who has banished several threats capable of ending Equestria. A little tact is advisable.

Moreover, Twilight only really threatens him long after he's been openly hostile and she pretty effectively smashed his case apart, which makes his arrogance and condescension look worse. If they had a much more airtight case, it might at least be a bit more earned for him to be annoyed by her, but there are gaping holes in his case, especially considering the target is ANOTHER multi-time savior of Equestria.
#22 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>Posh

Yeah, that's another issue with this story. Everyone's acting out of character.

Dammit, I'm trying to maintain my enthusiasm for a daring stab at something new here, but people keep poking holes in it and I'm rapidly taking on water.
#23 ·
· · >>Morning Sun
Dear Author: Oh my God. Seriously. Just shut up and take my Top Contender tier ranking thingie. Welcome to the top of my voting slate.

Oh my God.

So... nitpicks? Uhh... the part toward the end where Celestia started talking kind of laid out the plot a little too smoothly. Like before that moment, we had an in-depth investigation; and after it, we had the rocket ride to Hell that followed. Thing is, you managed that transition more deftly than the one in House Comes Calling, which I mention only because it's the most direct comparison I've seen in this Writeoff. It's probably in all the subtle clues you left in Rarity's behavior early on; when things suddenly got all the way bad, it was easier to make the mental and emotional leap.

In the end, this is less of a procedural murder mystery, and more of a study of a series of characters, with the noted addition of STABBING ME IN THE HEART WITH A BROKEN BOTTLE there at the end. This was audacious, ambitious, and utterly successful.

Tier: Top Contender
#24 ·
· · >>Cold in Gardez
>>Cold in Gardez
I dunno, I thought everyone was quite in-character...
#25 · 2
· · >>Morning Sun >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion

...did we read the same story?

Blueblood is a rapist and a murderer. Celestia enables him for years, then when he finally goes just a bit too far, she decides to solve the problem by killing him and framing it as a murder. After she's done this, and Rarity is accidentally implicated, Celestia then just lets the wheels of justice play out, with Rarity as the prime suspect?

I appreciate that the author tried to demonstrate a crime and an investigation, but there were so many holes in how this played out that it just doesn't hold water. The interaction between the lead investigator and Twilight simply beggars belief.

Tell me, why does Rarity remain silent when she's accused of murder? Why not, you know, try and explain why she was there? Does it really seem like the Rarity you know to choose death by false implication of murder over life with a struggling business?

I mean, you're entitled to put whatever story you want on the top of your slate, and I'm always happy to reward an ambitious writer, but... well, wow.
#26 ·
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion
I gotta agree with >>Cold in Gardez in that I feel like we read completely different stories. The locked room part? That was cool. Liked it a lot. But characterization? I think the only character in the entire story whose continually on point is Twilight. Twilight IS a nerd who would totally try to get to the bottom of this including shoving her nose in the investigation.

Rarity is not a pony who'd let someone like Blueblood simply repeatedly assault/blackmail her.

Celestia & Luna are not ponies who would allow a rapist to simply wander free for political expediency and 'Hope he can be better'.

Celestia isn't just going to go from 'Welp, I want him to be better' to a hideously overcomplicated murder-suicide plot in order to justify giving aid to a different murder victim's family when she can just like, write a check. I mean her whole purpose here is to...ruin Blueblood's reputation? Why? He's dead. It doesn't matter to him any longer. So it's only her who benefits from this, and maybe his victims except uh, it'd be better if she simply /didn't let him keep raping ponies in the first place/.

The mystery here is great, but yeesh. These characters belong in an Agatha Christie novel, instead of having MLP skins pasted over them.
#27 ·
· · >>Cold in Gardez
>>Cold in Gardez
I suspect we may end up disagreeing, but I'll share my thoughts.

Celestia characterized her situation as not enabling Blueblood, but being unable to stop him due to political constraints. I guess I was willing to assume for the purposes of this story that that could be plausible. Her choice of what to do about the investigation could have been presented better, but she did say that letting it run its course was part of her plan to bury Blueblood's reputation with him. It seemed like the depth of Rarity's involvement was a complication she hadn't accounted for, and which she tried to solve as best she could without just coming clean about the plan. This leaves us with a lot more darkness for Celestia than we see in the show, but the story addressed that darkness too. I don't find it too off-putting considering the rest of the darkness in the story.

Rarity in the show has been an increasingly successful businesspony in seasons 5 and 6, but I've seen a number of stories with darker portrayals of both her character and her success. The story seemed to lean in that direction, and I saw little reason not to go along with it, given that I've seen that kind of Rarity pop up occasionally. I don't think it's the one true reading of her character, but it's one I can accept if the story is interesting enough. There were implications that she had some shady business dealings going on, and that having them revealed would torpedo her reputation. Again, having Rarity be excessively focused on her reputation isn't the only or best way to portray her; it just amplifies an aspect of her character that I'd say is already present to a lesser degree.

The thing I guess I really don't have a basis for is the investigator. I wasn't sure what Twilight's interactions with him are supposed to look like, so I took the cue that she was butting in and he didn't like it, and Celestia later helped fix things.

To summarize: I think I took a lot of what was happening at face value (in part because the story was well written and took pains to lay things out), and that helped get me invested enough to make the leaps (in terms of character behavior) asked of me. I don't think they're huge leaps, but I can see if others might.
#28 ·
·
>>Morning Sun
Alas, I see no way to not end up looking dumb here, but the story worked for me big time. It laid out a scenario that presented something dark and different but (IMO) compelling. The ambition level was high. I think it worked. Others don't. Maybe we can all agree that the real blame should go to the Author? :-p
#29 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion

Political constraints were enough to prevent Celestia from stopping Blueblood from raping his way through the palace staff, but political constraints weren't enough to stop her from straight-up murdering him?

Sorry, I can't reconcile that. And yes, it is enabling when you know someone is doing something terrible, you have the power to stop them, but you choose not to because the politics of it would look bad. That makes Celestia a terrible leader and indirectly responsible for the horrors Blueblood committed.

I don't know where you're getting the impression that these characters are in any way shape or form authentic, absent some completely alternate universe where everypony is the bizzaro version of themselves.

I agree this story was ambitious, and despite all these criticisms I still give it credit for that. But it was an ambitious story that fell flat on its face in execution.
#30 · 2
·
I think this is the first story I've seen here with this many comments.

So, even if it comes to worse, know that you accomplished that, author. You've made quite the buzz.
#31 · 1
· · >>Cold in Gardez >>horizon
>>Cold in Gardez
I'll take one more shot at trying to justify my high rating here. Hopefully this is at least coherent. If not, then beyond this point, it's probably safe to conclude that I'm a fool. :-p




Let's start by presenting the assertion is that Celestia is responsible for what Blueblood has done:
it is enabling when you know someone is doing something terrible, you have the power to stop them, but you choose not to because the politics of it would look bad. That makes Celestia a terrible leader and indirectly responsible for the horrors Blueblood committed.


I agree that the story needs to handle the setup of the situation with Blueblood carefully, because this criticism is a kiss of death. However, I would assert that the story does some things to establish that Celestia isn't fully in control and can't just swoop in and make everything right. The story primes us early for such a view of limitations on Celestia's power, with her first line reading as follows:
It's tough for everypony right now, Starblade. And I do wish I could do more about rents, but ponies have a painfully exaggerated view of my control over the nobility.


Let's go further and look at Celestia's words and (words about past) actions regarding what Blueblood has done. I think it's clear that she doesn't condone them, and has worked to take action to combat them:
Luna and I tried everything possible to rehabilitate him, or even rein him in, but he simply got craftier about his transgressions, threatening his victims into silence.


At this point I think we have to consider the plausibility of the situation. In real life, of course, the kinds of things Blueblood was doing can become frightfully well-entrenched in organizations, and it can be all kinds of difficult to uproot them even if you know they're there. Granted, we don't have a sun-goddess monarch ala Celestia to help with the uprooting. But again, Celestia herself tells us that it may not be as simple as just calling Blueblood out:
he destroyed and befouled too much evidence for the murder charge to stick, and he's long been the favored son of the Canterlot nobility that would have comprised his jury


I'll take this moment to pause and clarify that this kind of stuff is maddening and disgusing in real life, but it can happen. That doesn't make it any less maddening and disgusting when it shows up in Pony. But if Pony can be used to hold up a reflection to real life, then ought it not be expected to have the occasional maddening and disgusting thing turn up in that reflection?

Now on the flip-side, I get it that there's still tension and unease about Celestia choosing to let the above in any way limit her when Blueblood is doing unconscionable things. She could drop the frickin' sun on anyone who cried foul, after all. But she takes a moment to address this, too:
But if I only ever listen to my own judgment, there's nothing stopping me from becoming the monster that he was


And it wouldn't be Celesita if she didn't care about that. I think she's trying to persuade us that she's done her due diligence as an Equestrian citizen and leader, which demands a very high standard. We see all kinds of reformation efforts being extended to all kinds of characters on the show, and to some extent I think it would make sense that Celestia might have been willing to suppress the growing knot of hate for Blueblood in her gut as she continued trying to bring him back into the light.

But in the end, we see the servant's death represent Celestia's point of no return. If Blueblood won't change, and the larger situation prevents justice from being served, then Celestia is willing to compromise herself and her own values to at least make things stop.
There's no going back from that, Twilight; he had to be dealt with. But turning him over to the law would have caused a scandal that would have ruined us all for a mere slap on the wrist


In that line, though, is one of the harder things the story presents us with: a recurring theme of reputation. Everyone from Celestia, to Rarity, to the investigator, to Blueblood himself, are all deeply concerned about their reputations:
or I would release to the public every last indiscretion we could document, and while it would ruin our own reputations for a generation or more, his name would go down in history as a curse word for villainy


But maybe this is the sticking point for people: Why wouldn't Celestia just go public with the information that she has on Blueblood, and see what kind of justice might come as everyone's reputations go up in flames? It would be the no-kill way of resolving the situation, unless of course the people killed Blueblood themselves. But then, given how much of the story revolves around giving us a view of the Equestrian justice system and hints about how the rest of the nobility view things, I have to wonder if that wouldn't have just resulted in a libel case that Blueblood might have been able to walk away from.




Look, bottom line: I'm not trying to defend Celestia's decisions per se; I'm trying to show that the story provides a reasonably well-thought-through foundation for why its events run the course that they do. It tackles subjects that are uncomfortable at best, but it doesn't do so flippantly; there's depth and heaviness to its treatment of them, and of the moral grey areas Celestia gets herself into as a result of them.

Of course, my view is that all of the above was deliberately put in place by the Author, and my praise for the work comes in part because I see all that embedded in there.
#32 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion

Just so we're clear, the 'scandal' that turning Blueblood over to the authorities would cause is the fact that Celestia and Luna covered for him for so many years.

Sorry. I agree that this story does some things well, but it has flaws that simply defy the suspension of disbelief. The fact that no one is acting in character is one of the lesser flaws.
#33 ·
·
>>Cold in Gardez
For what it's worth, I hope I haven't reached the threshold of being a pain in the butt here. ^^

I don't buy that Celestia's primary motivation was to avoid a scandal, though. I broke up the line about that above because I thought it helped illuminate two different points, but here's the complete thing:
turning him over to the law would have caused a scandal that would have ruined us all for a mere slap on the wrist—he destroyed and befouled too much evidence for the murder charge to stick, and he's long been the favored son of the Canterlot nobility that would have comprised his jury.


The scandal is mentioned, but I take the larger point here that just turning Blueblood over to the justice system wouldn't have stopped him. I can also read into this that the nobility might already know about his proclivities and not care. That takes a dim view of both the nobles and the justice system, of course; and it puts Celestia a hairbreadth away from vigilantism. But it's consistent with the other tidbits we get about the limitations on Celestia's power.

Hmm. Vigilante Celestia. One of these Writeoffs, we need to see some of that. :-p
#34 · 4
·
Closed room mystery? Tough choice, author.

Unfortunately, this kinda fell down for me in a big way; Celestia is apparently closely connected with Rampart, and Rampart very quickly came off to me as either evil or an idiot with his attitude, and that was only intensified when Twilight started poking holes in his theories.

And I say evil, because he's breaking what we consider to be a basic human right: presumption of innocence. This evidence isn't questionable, it's downright ridiculous. Trying to convict someone on it isn't a small thing; he's trying to convict someone with murder, a crime that carries a death penalty. Not only that, it throws into question the laws and practices of Canterlot, which means...

If Celestia has someone like that working on something so important, that means she's either evil or an idiot, or having her hand forced - and since it didn't seem like she was being forced, it must have been one of the other two. I'm glad you didn't write her as an idiot, but the idea that she would allow Rarity to be falsely executed is, quite simply, not something I can buy into. It seems like you've addressed some of that with the poison pellet thing at the end. However, that brings its own problems; if the investigation is still ongoing, then Celestia could have talked her down with that, instead of letting her complicate things. And if it's not, that means the poison pellet wouldn't have been discovered and Celestia would have allowed one of the Elements to be executed to save her reputation.

Which, you know, has its own problems.

I dunno, author. As much as parts of this story annoyed me, it's really ambitious, and that's something I appreciate a lot. However, I'll say that if you're trying something like this again in the future, you need to iron out your details more meticulously. High-stakes is good. However, it also needs to be believable.
#35 · 2
·
Well, son of a gun.

Hi horizon. :-p
#36 · 2
· · >>Posh >>CoffeeMinion
Good job, everyone, for a strong round, and hearty congratulations to GroaningGreyAgony, CoffeeMinion, and Posh!

Many thanks for the implied compliment of those of you who were sure the winning stories were mine, but no, I wrote something more flawed. Far more flawed, based on the explosion of discussion. I suppose my record-setting fifth Most Controversial badge was well-earned. :-p

(Is 35 comments a record, too? Someone said it was. I haven't gone back through the older Writeoff galleries to check.)

Anyway, this story's been kind of talked to death and I'm not sure how much I have to add, but I kind of feel the need to say something retrospective-ish to bring a little author closure to all of the hanging arguments.

1) There seems to have been a significant split between two factions: those who saw the culprit from the start and those who didn't. I could try to throw in more red herrings for the second crowd, but honestly, having about 50% of your readers catch the solution early seems like a pretty good outcome for a mystery. I have a horrible tendency to overcomplicate and out-subtle myself, so if about half of you are complaining you saw through it, this is probably about as wider-audience approachable as my stories are ever gonna get.

2) There seems to have been a much more passionate split between two factions: those who were deeply bothered by the fundamental non-poniness/OOCness of the characters and setting, and those who rolled with it and enjoyed the story anyway. (I did, to some extent, expect this. That was why I predicted I wouldn't make finals.)

I think we can all agree, including me, that these are not the characters from the show. I'm really grateful to >>CoffeeMinion for taking my side on my attempts to justify that --
Of course, my view is that all of the above was deliberately put in place by the Author, and my praise for the work comes in part because I see all that embedded in there.

-- and I do want to confirm that all of the things which were specifically cited as intentional, building a foundation for the sort of AU where murder and rape and evil-for-the-sake-of-political-expediency happen, WERE in fact intentional. Be that as it may, I still felt that the justifications for everyone's behavior were the weakest part of the story when I turned it in -- but this was a goddamn sprint against the deadline given that Friday was lost to plotting (and I want to give a shout out to Pascoite for taking some extra time to give me Friday help), and Saturday was lost to tabletop gaming. Numerous other problems have been pointed out throughout the thread which my attempts at foundation-building didn't cover or covered only indirectly, and I agree that they're problems, and it's gonna take a lot of work to extend my foundations to them.

To be honest ... this story feels like it's going to take a vast amount of work to bring to publishable shape. There are just so many things (discussed above) to fix it that it almost feels like a waste of time to engage with all of the smart and legitimate criticism -- given that, instead of spending the weeks it would take to rip this story apart, I could instead be going after low-hanging fruit like Time Enough For Love, Slingshot, Case of the Cowled Changelings, Mark of Destiny, etc etc etc. So, like Celestia, I'm pretty much resigned to cracking this one over the head and throwing it out back, hoping to let its failings and its controversies quietly die with it.

If anyone really strongly believes in what this story could become -- and I'm kind of going off-analogy here -- I invite you to become the Twilight to my Celestia, and take charge of redeeming it. A lot of ink's been spilled about its problems, but I'm not seeing a lot of concrete solutions for how to fix those things, and I don't know that I've got it in me to sink the effort into building those up beyond what I've already tried. So if there's any one of you with a burning vision in your head of how to make this story great -- and you're willing to take responsibility for ripping the story apart to do it -- let's talk about collaboration. I don't mean just you giving me the ideas, I mean someone who likes this enough to step up as co-author. I can throw it to the winds and let you do what you will with it, or I can chat with you about my vision and the ideas that didn't make it onto the page. But either way this would almost certainly come down to you repairing it to the standards of the critics above (and posting it yourself, if you want, crediting us both).

So, yeah. Back to Time Enough For Love. I got some good work done on Chapter 2 on Monday and I want to keep up that momentum. Thanks again, everyone, for reading and participating.
#37 · 1
· · >>horizon >>CoffeeMinion
Before I spend any length of time writing about/reflecting on House, I want to respond to our resident orange horse person:

>>horizon I should get this out of the way, first: I really don't have the time or energy (or, frankly, the necessary ability) to co-author this with you, so I won't submit myself as a candidate. But I can encourage you not to so quickly take it out back and put it down.

Despite my criticisms of the premise, which I stand by, I think the mystery element was very well played. I loved the use of Twilight as an inexperienced but intelligent gumshoe-y detective, and as a reader, I'd happily gobble down an entire story about that. Twilight pokes her nose into the mystery, investigates the background, and gradually puts the pieces together about Blue Cosby. The murder of What's-Her-Face the maid comes up. Twilight starts investigating a link between her murder and Blueblood's, interviews some of the castle staff, figures out that Blueblood was a scumbag, and gradually puts together a more-or-less complete understanding of the crime, the motivations behind it, and, eventually, the murderer herself. Things like what Rarity was doing with Blueblood on the night of the murder could come up over the course of the investigation.

And if you're going to go the route of having a cloak-and-dagger-y Equestrian political world, where royals and aristocrats are maneuvering around one another, get into the specifics of it a little bit more. There has to be a reason why Celestia would participate in a cover-up to protect a nephew whose life she clearly doesn't think a great deal of. What leverage does he, some inbred princeling have over her, the horse-goddess of the sun? What is the relationship between the crown and the aristocracy? Who employs the Guard, in particular, Inspector Jerk-Pony? And what would happen if Celestia brought charges against him?

Near as I can tell, Celestia's rule is propped up on stilts, and sufficiently pissing off the aristocracy could upset the whole thing. Maybe they would have used Blueblood's arrest as a rallying cry to depose her and install, like, Cloudkicker as the new ruler, I don't know. Or even Blueblood himself, depending on the line of succession.

So, knowing that she needs to put a halt to Blueblood's insidious inseminations, and fully cognizant of what would happen if she tried to have him arrested, she arranges a death for him that looks like a suicide, while quietly burying any evidence of his naughty, naughty ways.

I guess, really, it boils down to exploring the mystery in greater detail and better establishing the specifics of Equestria's political machine.
#38 · 1
·
I have yet to read this. I've been so swamped by work and in real life stuff, I didn't even get a chance to enter in this writeoff, and it's so disappointing to me because I was excited to participate and it just didn't happen.

However, not all is lost. I haven't read this story yet, but I've read the comments, and while I can't say these kind of stories are my "forte" this one has definitely caught my attention. And if it gives me an excuse to write with the ever-talented Horizon, I would be interested in collabing if I like the story enough. I should have some time Saturday or Sunday to sit down and read, so I can give you an answer, Horizon, then. But I must admit... I'm fairly excited over this. I've skimmed the story, haven't been able to fully enjoy (or loathe) this story yet. But... this is definitely something that's captured my interest. For the time being, throw my name on the rim of the hat. It's got enough tug to attract me to it, but I really want to experience this before I dive in. :p
#39 ·
· · >>Posh
>>Posh
Thank you for the kind words. I hear what you are saying, but what you're suggesting that I do boils down to a massive rewrite, and there are two problems with that:

1) I hate rewrites more than anything else about editing.

2) In the time it would take me to drag myself through the rewrite process, I could have fixed and posted at least three stories that both I and readers are more enthusiastic about, because I have a LOT of solid Writeoff stories needing much less repair that haven't made the jump.

I'm just trying to be realistic about the fact that, while I could certainly work on this one, it is going to go so low on my priority list that it's just not going to happen. I'm asking because it's possible somebody cares about this more than me.

I really don't have the … necessary ability to co-author this with you


> points at your medals

:V
#40 ·
·
>>horizon
> points at your medals

:V


Bonnie I'll give you, but the other was probably a fluke.

Seriously, given how contentious House's comments section is, I'm amazed that it even made it past the prelims. I was really pulling for The Lamia, too...
#41 ·
·
>>horizon
Well, now in some ways I feel a bit sillier than I already did. :3 I just rolled with the differences from canon and never quite realized that it was supposed to be a straight-up AU.

But, given that it's an AU, I don't think this would need quite as much work as you might fear, 'cuz AU, baby. All you have to do is lay out more specifics about how the ground-rules of this AU are different from that of the prime universe, and then have those tie back into the story's conclusion. I think >>Posh nails it about one of the main things you could flesh-out both for the sake of anchoring the story more strongly, and for the sake of establishing the AU-ness of this AU:
And if you're going to go the route of having a cloak-and-dagger-y Equestrian political world, where royals and aristocrats are maneuvering around one another, get into the specifics of it a little bit more. There has to be a reason why Celestia would participate in a cover-up to protect a nephew whose life she clearly doesn't think a great deal of. What leverage does he, some inbred princeling have over her, the horse-goddess of the sun? What is the relationship between the crown and the aristocracy?


Bonus AU-fying suggestions, please steal all/some if helpful:
Maybe the core of the AU is that Celestia was much more accommodating with Sunset Shimmer, because she felt confident Sunset had sufficient potential to be able to stop Nightmare Moon. But in keeping Sunset, she enabled Sunset's pseudo-megalomaniacal behavior, which made the nobles angry and fearful. Twilight still became another of Celestia's students, and Sunset still eventually bailed out through the mirror, but by then the damage with the nobility was done: Celestia had lost much of her credibility, and Blueblood began to emerged as a vocal opponent of her seemingly unchecked power. This view only became stronger when (a much less-prepared) Twilight confronted Nightmare Moon, failed to defeat her, and Celestia intervened and killed Nightmare Moon.

(I've no clue how Twi ends up being the Princess of Friendship in this scenario; maybe she's not, and she's still just a unicorn, albeit a powerful and well-connected one.)

As time's gone on since NMM's death, Celestia's ability to keep the nobles from outright revolt has grown more tenuous. Of course Celestia knows all about the skeletons in Blueblood's closet, but moving against him would only trigger a full-blown revolution.

By the time the story happens, Celestia has decided she must remove her disgusting opponent due to his misdeeds, but she's desperately fearful of the repercussions... and of course Twilight inadvertently blows the lid off the whole thing. The only question is how Rarity fits into this AU...

...but if any of this seems helpful, I think it could basically be injected without a ton of re-work.