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It's All Rather Confusing, Really
This story:
Seems to be largely plagiarized from Z.Z. Packer's short story "Drinking Coffee Elsewhere."
The opening sounded familiar, so I Googled the first line and found this match in Google books.
So I think this makes this our third disqualified entry this round...
Mike
Seems to be largely plagiarized from Z.Z. Packer's short story "Drinking Coffee Elsewhere."
The opening sounded familiar, so I Googled the first line and found this match in Google books.
So I think this makes this our third disqualified entry this round...
Mike
First of all:
I'll apologize. Among the many things I didn't think through while putting together this draft was the effect it might have on readers.
Which is a weird thing to say, now that I look at it typed there. But the Writeoff to me has always been about putting up a first draft for comments, not putting up a story for readers. In my mind, readers come later in the process after I've taken the comments from here, revised the story, and turned it into something closer to what I want it to be.
That was a mistaken belief on my part, especially for a story like this. If I'd been thinking, I would've put the thing into a Google Doc and asked for comments from readers after warning them that the piece was completely different from anything I've ever tried to write in the more than 25 years that I've been putting stories together.
Here's the background, if anyone's interested. I got a PM through Fimfiction in the middle of November asking if I did story commissions. I never have, so I asked what sort of story they had in mind. They asked if there were any subjects I would never write about, and I sent back that I'm no good at sex scenes--I've tried, and the things I write don't seem to be at all what other people call sex scenes--and I'm no good at villains--I keep trying to make them sympathetic, and that pretty much leaches the villainy out of 'em. So for stories involving either of those or the two combined--and here I mentioned rape or pedophilia--I probably wasn't the best choice.
My correspondent assured me that, in this particular ScootaDash shipfic, all the sex would happen off screen, and I declined to take part. "I believe" I wrote, "that pedophiliac urges must be resisted under any and all circumstances," so I wouldn't be able to realistically portray a Rainbow Dash who had entered into a sexual relationship with Scootaloo. My correspondent thanked me, and that was that.
Except that I started wondering what it would be like for Dash to live constantly resisting these urges. There could be a story there, but it would be way too dark for me to write. I regularly get words like "fun," "cute," "romp," and "meringue" applied to my stuff, and that's the way I like it.
Still, the idea wouldn't go away, and then I got the e-mail saying a Writeoff was coming up the next weekend. So I figured that if I could work the prompt into the mix, I'd see what I could put together, get some comments, and try to make a story out of it. I knew it'd be controversial, but I could write deep and serious on a deep and serious subject, I was sure. "Comfortably uncomfortable" is the phrase >>Trick_Question uses, and that's what I felt. I'd never written anything like this before, but I was certain I could do it.
Turns out I was wrong there, too. Turns out I have limitations as a writer because I have limitations as a person. I can write lightly serious adventures where the stakes are a broken heart or the destruction of the world, but something as real as this? Something I can't fake my way through or pin a happy ending onto? Turns out I can't do that. I'm fairly shallow, I've discovered over the years, and every time I try to get out of my depth, I end up nearly drowning.
There's still a story in this idea, I'm convinced, but I'm almost equally convinced that I'm too emotionally stunted and not skillful enough a writer to tell it in the way it would need to be told.
So again, I'll apologize. I acted without thinking, and I'll try not to do that next time.
Mike
I'll apologize. Among the many things I didn't think through while putting together this draft was the effect it might have on readers.
Which is a weird thing to say, now that I look at it typed there. But the Writeoff to me has always been about putting up a first draft for comments, not putting up a story for readers. In my mind, readers come later in the process after I've taken the comments from here, revised the story, and turned it into something closer to what I want it to be.
That was a mistaken belief on my part, especially for a story like this. If I'd been thinking, I would've put the thing into a Google Doc and asked for comments from readers after warning them that the piece was completely different from anything I've ever tried to write in the more than 25 years that I've been putting stories together.
Here's the background, if anyone's interested. I got a PM through Fimfiction in the middle of November asking if I did story commissions. I never have, so I asked what sort of story they had in mind. They asked if there were any subjects I would never write about, and I sent back that I'm no good at sex scenes--I've tried, and the things I write don't seem to be at all what other people call sex scenes--and I'm no good at villains--I keep trying to make them sympathetic, and that pretty much leaches the villainy out of 'em. So for stories involving either of those or the two combined--and here I mentioned rape or pedophilia--I probably wasn't the best choice.
My correspondent assured me that, in this particular ScootaDash shipfic, all the sex would happen off screen, and I declined to take part. "I believe" I wrote, "that pedophiliac urges must be resisted under any and all circumstances," so I wouldn't be able to realistically portray a Rainbow Dash who had entered into a sexual relationship with Scootaloo. My correspondent thanked me, and that was that.
Except that I started wondering what it would be like for Dash to live constantly resisting these urges. There could be a story there, but it would be way too dark for me to write. I regularly get words like "fun," "cute," "romp," and "meringue" applied to my stuff, and that's the way I like it.
Still, the idea wouldn't go away, and then I got the e-mail saying a Writeoff was coming up the next weekend. So I figured that if I could work the prompt into the mix, I'd see what I could put together, get some comments, and try to make a story out of it. I knew it'd be controversial, but I could write deep and serious on a deep and serious subject, I was sure. "Comfortably uncomfortable" is the phrase >>Trick_Question uses, and that's what I felt. I'd never written anything like this before, but I was certain I could do it.
Turns out I was wrong there, too. Turns out I have limitations as a writer because I have limitations as a person. I can write lightly serious adventures where the stakes are a broken heart or the destruction of the world, but something as real as this? Something I can't fake my way through or pin a happy ending onto? Turns out I can't do that. I'm fairly shallow, I've discovered over the years, and every time I try to get out of my depth, I end up nearly drowning.
There's still a story in this idea, I'm convinced, but I'm almost equally convinced that I'm too emotionally stunted and not skillful enough a writer to tell it in the way it would need to be told.
So again, I'll apologize. I acted without thinking, and I'll try not to do that next time.
Mike
At least:
Those of us who aren't going to Bronycon will have something to do this weekend.
Mike
Those of us who aren't going to Bronycon will have something to do this weekend.
Mike
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Once again:
I demonstrate my uncanny ability to stumble into other people's schemes and inadvertantly desrupt them...
Mike Again
Once again:
I demonstrate my uncanny ability to stumble into other people's schemes and inadvertantly desrupt them...
Mike Again
On Friday:
I sat down and wrote more words in one 24 hours period than I ever have before. Now to figure out if I can arrange those words into a story before tomorrow morning...
Mike
I sat down and wrote more words in one 24 hours period than I ever have before. Now to figure out if I can arrange those words into a story before tomorrow morning...
Mike
Folks:
I had a suddenly idea for a Ponyfic yesterday, one that would never fit into the minific's word limits. So I think I'll likely spend the weekend working on that rather than this. I mean, I've already found the perfect cover image and everything!
Mike
I had a suddenly idea for a Ponyfic yesterday, one that would never fit into the minific's word limits. So I think I'll likely spend the weekend working on that rather than this. I mean, I've already found the perfect cover image and everything!
Mike
Wow:
For the first time in the five-and-a-half years I've been hanging around this place, my prompt got picked!
I suppose I'd better write something for it then.
Mike
For the first time in the five-and-a-half years I've been hanging around this place, my prompt got picked!
I suppose I'd better write something for it then.
Mike
Peter and Sabriel:
Are great characters, and the story you put them through is a lot of fun.
But I of course have suggestions. First, there's a little too much terminology for me. In a novel, it'd be fine since you'd have room to do more than just drop the terms scrimshaw and decimal litch and cheiromancy and omoplatoscopy and all. But in a short story, as they used to say, you come up with a beginning, a middle, and an end, then start in the middle and race as fast as your fingers can type toward that ending. Just the essentials will be enough to suggest the larger magical world around the characters.
And second, the coincidence of the guy performing his dark ritual in the graveyard on the very same night that Peter and Sabriel have their anniversary was a little too much for me. Maybe this is their anniversary because it's the best night every year for necromantic doings. Then it'd make sense for the guy to be there, too. Better, though, would be to have Crowley's overall plan depend on Peter and Sabriel being there--he needs the vial with her soul in it or something. Eliminating as many coincidences as you can always helps tie a story together, I've found.
Good stuff here!
Mike
Are great characters, and the story you put them through is a lot of fun.
But I of course have suggestions. First, there's a little too much terminology for me. In a novel, it'd be fine since you'd have room to do more than just drop the terms scrimshaw and decimal litch and cheiromancy and omoplatoscopy and all. But in a short story, as they used to say, you come up with a beginning, a middle, and an end, then start in the middle and race as fast as your fingers can type toward that ending. Just the essentials will be enough to suggest the larger magical world around the characters.
And second, the coincidence of the guy performing his dark ritual in the graveyard on the very same night that Peter and Sabriel have their anniversary was a little too much for me. Maybe this is their anniversary because it's the best night every year for necromantic doings. Then it'd make sense for the guy to be there, too. Better, though, would be to have Crowley's overall plan depend on Peter and Sabriel being there--he needs the vial with her soul in it or something. Eliminating as many coincidences as you can always helps tie a story together, I've found.
Good stuff here!
Mike
I'd forgotten all about:
This being the Writeoff weekend till Saturday afternoon. Then I made the mistake of looking at the gallery and got hit with a story idea. So now I've got, what, a day and a half to squeeze something together? Yeesh!
Mike
This being the Writeoff weekend till Saturday afternoon. Then I made the mistake of looking at the gallery and got hit with a story idea. So now I've got, what, a day and a half to squeeze something together? Yeesh!
Mike
>>GaPJaxie
And yet, just 4 Writeoffs ago, you explained to us all that the story you'd written had Rainbow Dash commit a rape and then feel no remorse for it. How then is a story where she doesn't commit a rape and has devoted herself to not committing it somehow worse?
And yes, this story has problems. >>ToXikyogHurt points out some, and I'll point out that the very existence of Cadance kind of calls the whole premise of the story into question. Couldn't the Princess of Love somehow magic Rainbow's brain so she doesn't feel sexual attraction for Scootaloo any more?
So that's my suggestion, author. If you want to do something with this, have Rainbow's session at the end be with Cadance after Cadance has had her first session magicking Scootaloo's brain. Maybe make it so they have to meet ever two months or something to renew the spell, but since she's there in the Pony universe, bring her into the whole thing.
Mike
And yet, just 4 Writeoffs ago, you explained to us all that the story you'd written had Rainbow Dash commit a rape and then feel no remorse for it. How then is a story where she doesn't commit a rape and has devoted herself to not committing it somehow worse?
And yes, this story has problems. >>ToXikyogHurt points out some, and I'll point out that the very existence of Cadance kind of calls the whole premise of the story into question. Couldn't the Princess of Love somehow magic Rainbow's brain so she doesn't feel sexual attraction for Scootaloo any more?
So that's my suggestion, author. If you want to do something with this, have Rainbow's session at the end be with Cadance after Cadance has had her first session magicking Scootaloo's brain. Maybe make it so they have to meet ever two months or something to renew the spell, but since she's there in the Pony universe, bring her into the whole thing.
Mike