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Two Strikes
Twilight paid no mind to the hundreds of guards who had appeared on campus, nor the announcement that every building that contained magical artifacts had been put on lockdown. What she did pay mind to, however, were the two maids walking slowly in front of her.
"I always knew that filly was trouble," the rightmost maid said, pushing along a tea trolley. "Never cleaned up after herself, spent every night sneaking around the castle—I'm glad she's gone. The Princess deserves better."
The mare to her side gasped. "Don't say that," she hissed. "She was just a child."
Twilight frowned at their rumps. Any slower and she'd be late for her lessons with Celestia! With a curt "Excuse me" and a tiny "Sorry" she pushed through and ran on ahead, tiny hooves scrabbling along the marble floors.
She rounded a few corners and made a beeline for the doors to Princess Celestia's chambers—only to be stopped by the guard standing at the entrance.
"Sorry, kid," he said. "Class is cancelled. The Princess ain't seeing anyone today."
Twilight stared up at him. "But why?"
He took a moment to answer, "She just isn't. Head home."
Both ponies jumped when the doors behind him opened ever so slightly, and Celestia peeked her head out.
"Twilight?" she asked in a voice that sounded like scrap metal. Bloodshot eyes stared down at them. Twilight's words caught in her throat at the sight.
"Princess!" the guard said. "I was just telling her to leave—"
"Come in, Twilight," said Celestia, retreating back inside.
Twilight and the guard shared a glance before the guard stepped aside. With a satisfied smile on her face, Twilight strutted inside.
Her smile faded when the doors closed behind her and she went blind. As her eyes adjusted to the sudden darkness—she didn't even know that Celestia's windows had curtains—she walked forward, calling, "Princess?"
Celestia sat in the middle of the room, wings dragging on the floor. "Hello," she said. "I'm sorry about the guard. I know you must have been confused."
"What's wrong?" Twilight asked, drawing near to Celestia. "You look... different."
"I'm not well today," Celestia said, her face gaunt in the darkness. "Feeling quite sick."
"But you can't get sick," said Twilight. "All the books say so."
"There are many types of sickness." In a shaky voice, Celestia said, "I haven't felt this in years."
A chill settled over Twilight's bones. "Can't you go to the doctor?"
Celestia just shook her head.
Silence fell over darkness, and Twilight felt as if she had been trapped in a box. She took a step back. "Maybe I should leave—"
"No!" Celestia snapped, and Twilight yelped. Immediately Celestia'a scowl softened. She leapt forward and pulled Twilight into a hug. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Twilight tried to calm her breathing, if only to avoid the maddening stench of... something that wafted from Celestia's coat. "It's okay?" Twilight tried. "I didn't—"
"Twilight, I love you," Celestia said. She hugged Twilight tighter. "I care about you. You know that, right?"
"I—"
"I know I'm strict, and I make you work hard, but I just want you to do your best. I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"Of course I am," said Twilight, looking into Celestia's dark eyes. "You're the Princess. How could I not be happy?"
Celestia shook her head. "Ponies are never happy around me."
Twilight frowned. "That's not true. Everypony loves you!"
"Not the ponies who count." Celestia rubbed her eyes. "They all just learn to hate me."
"I could never hate you," Twilight murmured.
Celestia stared at the ground.
Twilight hesitated for a moment—then walked forward and hugged Celestia's leg. With her eyes closed, she felt Celestia's joints tense up. But soon, a familiar warmth enveloped her, like a quilt of fine cloth.
"I love you," Twilight said.
"I love you too," said Celestia. "Always."
The two stayed like that for a long while. Twilight didn't want to let go, not until the lines on Celestia's face disappeared, not until that awful smell went away for good. But soon Celestia moved away.
"I think I need some time to rest," Celestia said. "But thank you for stopping by, Twilight, my—my most faithful student."
The words raced around Twilight's mind—Most faithful? Oh my gosh oh my gosh—and she grinned. The two shared a farewell, and Twilight departed.
Neither pony ever mentioned that day again. But from that day forth, they ended every lesson with three familiar words: "I love you."
"I always knew that filly was trouble," the rightmost maid said, pushing along a tea trolley. "Never cleaned up after herself, spent every night sneaking around the castle—I'm glad she's gone. The Princess deserves better."
The mare to her side gasped. "Don't say that," she hissed. "She was just a child."
Twilight frowned at their rumps. Any slower and she'd be late for her lessons with Celestia! With a curt "Excuse me" and a tiny "Sorry" she pushed through and ran on ahead, tiny hooves scrabbling along the marble floors.
She rounded a few corners and made a beeline for the doors to Princess Celestia's chambers—only to be stopped by the guard standing at the entrance.
"Sorry, kid," he said. "Class is cancelled. The Princess ain't seeing anyone today."
Twilight stared up at him. "But why?"
He took a moment to answer, "She just isn't. Head home."
Both ponies jumped when the doors behind him opened ever so slightly, and Celestia peeked her head out.
"Twilight?" she asked in a voice that sounded like scrap metal. Bloodshot eyes stared down at them. Twilight's words caught in her throat at the sight.
"Princess!" the guard said. "I was just telling her to leave—"
"Come in, Twilight," said Celestia, retreating back inside.
Twilight and the guard shared a glance before the guard stepped aside. With a satisfied smile on her face, Twilight strutted inside.
Her smile faded when the doors closed behind her and she went blind. As her eyes adjusted to the sudden darkness—she didn't even know that Celestia's windows had curtains—she walked forward, calling, "Princess?"
Celestia sat in the middle of the room, wings dragging on the floor. "Hello," she said. "I'm sorry about the guard. I know you must have been confused."
"What's wrong?" Twilight asked, drawing near to Celestia. "You look... different."
"I'm not well today," Celestia said, her face gaunt in the darkness. "Feeling quite sick."
"But you can't get sick," said Twilight. "All the books say so."
"There are many types of sickness." In a shaky voice, Celestia said, "I haven't felt this in years."
A chill settled over Twilight's bones. "Can't you go to the doctor?"
Celestia just shook her head.
Silence fell over darkness, and Twilight felt as if she had been trapped in a box. She took a step back. "Maybe I should leave—"
"No!" Celestia snapped, and Twilight yelped. Immediately Celestia'a scowl softened. She leapt forward and pulled Twilight into a hug. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Twilight tried to calm her breathing, if only to avoid the maddening stench of... something that wafted from Celestia's coat. "It's okay?" Twilight tried. "I didn't—"
"Twilight, I love you," Celestia said. She hugged Twilight tighter. "I care about you. You know that, right?"
"I—"
"I know I'm strict, and I make you work hard, but I just want you to do your best. I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"Of course I am," said Twilight, looking into Celestia's dark eyes. "You're the Princess. How could I not be happy?"
Celestia shook her head. "Ponies are never happy around me."
Twilight frowned. "That's not true. Everypony loves you!"
"Not the ponies who count." Celestia rubbed her eyes. "They all just learn to hate me."
"I could never hate you," Twilight murmured.
Celestia stared at the ground.
Twilight hesitated for a moment—then walked forward and hugged Celestia's leg. With her eyes closed, she felt Celestia's joints tense up. But soon, a familiar warmth enveloped her, like a quilt of fine cloth.
"I love you," Twilight said.
"I love you too," said Celestia. "Always."
The two stayed like that for a long while. Twilight didn't want to let go, not until the lines on Celestia's face disappeared, not until that awful smell went away for good. But soon Celestia moved away.
"I think I need some time to rest," Celestia said. "But thank you for stopping by, Twilight, my—my most faithful student."
The words raced around Twilight's mind—Most faithful? Oh my gosh oh my gosh—and she grinned. The two shared a farewell, and Twilight departed.
Neither pony ever mentioned that day again. But from that day forth, they ended every lesson with three familiar words: "I love you."
The Great
Good concept. The morning after from a different perspective.
Very solid emotions on Celestia's half.
The Rough
I'm actually unsure as to what the scent is supposed to be. I sort of assume alcohol, but I'm not fully convinced that all the evidence adds up to that? Ultimately, even if it was, I'm not sure it adds up to much. I'd recommend trimming it.
The nopony ever mentioned that day again is a bit weird. While I can see Celestia avoiding it, Twilight doesn't seem like the sort who would let it lie forever.
Good concept. The morning after from a different perspective.
Very solid emotions on Celestia's half.
The Rough
I'm actually unsure as to what the scent is supposed to be. I sort of assume alcohol, but I'm not fully convinced that all the evidence adds up to that? Ultimately, even if it was, I'm not sure it adds up to much. I'd recommend trimming it.
The nopony ever mentioned that day again is a bit weird. While I can see Celestia avoiding it, Twilight doesn't seem like the sort who would let it lie forever.
Am I alone in thinking this would have ended more powerfully without the last two paragraphs?
I like the concept behind this (Emotionally Vulnerable Celestia confiding in Twilight after Sunset Shimmer vanishes), but a few elements of the execution could use tweaking. I think it's implied that Celestia's drunk; she's got that mystery odor hanging around her (alternatively, she's just been masturbating a whole lot, which, depending on your interpretation of Celly's character...), and it makes sense that Twiley wouldn't be able to place that. Make it a little less ambiguous, though. Maybe describe the scent hanging off of her a little bit more. Sterile, and acrid, and medicine-y, makes her nose wrinkle. Maybe add Twilight stumbling over a glass bottle or two in the darkness.
I'd also cut out (or at least soften) Celestia's little outburst halfway through.
I like the concept behind this (Emotionally Vulnerable Celestia confiding in Twilight after Sunset Shimmer vanishes), but a few elements of the execution could use tweaking. I think it's implied that Celestia's drunk; she's got that mystery odor hanging around her (alternatively, she's just been masturbating a whole lot, which, depending on your interpretation of Celly's character...), and it makes sense that Twiley wouldn't be able to place that. Make it a little less ambiguous, though. Maybe describe the scent hanging off of her a little bit more. Sterile, and acrid, and medicine-y, makes her nose wrinkle. Maybe add Twilight stumbling over a glass bottle or two in the darkness.
I'd also cut out (or at least soften) Celestia's little outburst halfway through.
Um... I'll hit a few positives.
> Very pretty writing, loved the description
> Loved the word choice; it felt just right, and in these mini-fics I've found that matters a lot.
> This fic plays with the emotions of the characters very well.
Now.. the not-so-positives.
Um... what is this? No, seriously, Andrew Rogue hits it on the head. I'm not sure what this scene is supposed to be, and I'm sure Andrew and myself aren't the only ones thinking that. This story... the first... half of it didn't even matter then the part that I assume was supposed to matter ended up not mattering to me because I had no idea what was happening. Celestia snapped at Twilight because why? And she was sick how? And it's all okay, and what?
Then Posh mentioned if the last two paragraphs were missing this story would have been more powerful. I'm inclined to agree, but due to the fact I thought the last two paragrahs just muddled up the fic more than it already was. It just added more questions and didn't answer the ones I alreay had.
Unfortunately, I have to put this at the bottom of my slate right now (it's okay, I've only rated three other stories), because i'm just clueless as to what the meat and potatoes to this fic is supposed to be. I feel like this fic could be really good if it underwent some clean-up, and the author wasn't constrained by a word count, but as of now this one sits as conusion, and a pile of questions with no answers.
> Very pretty writing, loved the description
> Loved the word choice; it felt just right, and in these mini-fics I've found that matters a lot.
> This fic plays with the emotions of the characters very well.
Now.. the not-so-positives.
Um... what is this? No, seriously, Andrew Rogue hits it on the head. I'm not sure what this scene is supposed to be, and I'm sure Andrew and myself aren't the only ones thinking that. This story... the first... half of it didn't even matter then the part that I assume was supposed to matter ended up not mattering to me because I had no idea what was happening. Celestia snapped at Twilight because why? And she was sick how? And it's all okay, and what?
Then Posh mentioned if the last two paragraphs were missing this story would have been more powerful. I'm inclined to agree, but due to the fact I thought the last two paragrahs just muddled up the fic more than it already was. It just added more questions and didn't answer the ones I alreay had.
Unfortunately, I have to put this at the bottom of my slate right now (it's okay, I've only rated three other stories), because i'm just clueless as to what the meat and potatoes to this fic is supposed to be. I feel like this fic could be really good if it underwent some clean-up, and the author wasn't constrained by a word count, but as of now this one sits as conusion, and a pile of questions with no answers.
>>ChappedPenguinLips
To be clear, I was unsure about the SCENT, not the SCENE. :p
Scene is just Twilight showing up for class the day after Sunset Shimmer departs. Celestia is super upset since she's got kind of a history with this, what with Luna and all. So the story is mostly just a picture of that, through filly Twilight's view.
To be clear, I was unsure about the SCENT, not the SCENE. :p
Scene is just Twilight showing up for class the day after Sunset Shimmer departs. Celestia is super upset since she's got kind of a history with this, what with Luna and all. So the story is mostly just a picture of that, through filly Twilight's view.
I concur with >>Posh; spelling out the lasting emotional impact actually deadens it for the reader. Let the story of a young Twilight unknowingly confronting her first friendship problem stand on its own merits; it definitely can.
Oh, and one more note on the scent: Another way you could drive it home would be empty bottles strewn about the room.
Oh, and one more note on the scent: Another way you could drive it home would be empty bottles strewn about the room.
Based on the maids and the lock down I figure this is immediately following Sunset buggering off to the other world. It's never explicitly stated, that I can recall, how old/when Sunset ran off, but given the nearness of Twilight and Sunset's ages in the human world I always assumed Sunset wasn't that much older. Based on Twilight's age here that would still leave Sunset being pretty darned young. But! Canonical ambiguity.
The smell on Celestia I could see being booze, as others have said, or the general haze of her divine BO after a few too many days huddled up in her room. Grief is strange.
Also echoing what other comments, the last two paragraphs ruin the emotional high. There's plenty enough emotion wrapped up in my faithful student without having to lay it out for us. It's enough to know it started here, which Celestia's hesitation in saying makes pretty clear, I think.
The smell on Celestia I could see being booze, as others have said, or the general haze of her divine BO after a few too many days huddled up in her room. Grief is strange.
Also echoing what other comments, the last two paragraphs ruin the emotional high. There's plenty enough emotion wrapped up in my faithful student without having to lay it out for us. It's enough to know it started here, which Celestia's hesitation in saying makes pretty clear, I think.
At the start of the second para, I knew where this was going. This subject is well-trodden ground (despite it being a trope that's years old now, I think there are a few stories on it just in this contest alone!), but this story has a canonical flaw that makes it harder to enjoy: when Celestia accepts Twilight as her personal student, it is implied that she only has one protege at a time: this means Sunset Shimmer had to have left Celestia prior to her taking Twilight under her wing.
I realize that might sound picky, but since you're leaning on canon here to disambiguate where Celestia's angst is coming from (you never explicitly tell us anything), deviation from that canon with your entire premise makes the story seem much less real.
I do like the reframing of that adjective that Twilight picks up at the end. I think that's probably the best part of the premise.
I can buy the Celie and Twi you paint through the majority of the story, but the last line is too glurgey and doesn't match either character's personality.
I realize that might sound picky, but since you're leaning on canon here to disambiguate where Celestia's angst is coming from (you never explicitly tell us anything), deviation from that canon with your entire premise makes the story seem much less real.
I do like the reframing of that adjective that Twilight picks up at the end. I think that's probably the best part of the premise.
I can buy the Celie and Twi you paint through the majority of the story, but the last line is too glurgey and doesn't match either character's personality.
>>AndrewRogue
I agree here, I assume it's supposed to be alcohol. It'd help if there were another clue given, like a bottle on the desk.
It makes no sense that Twi is "waiting for the smell to go away": even if you didn't know what it was, why would a foal expect that?
I agree here, I assume it's supposed to be alcohol. It'd help if there were another clue given, like a bottle on the desk.
It makes no sense that Twi is "waiting for the smell to go away": even if you didn't know what it was, why would a foal expect that?
>>Trick_Question
Addendum: I just now saw the title of the story. It implies that Celestia's had a second falling out with a student, which in my headcanon would be Starlight Glimmer; but perhaps you mean Luna...? I think it's too ambiguous here. We don't know enough about Celestia's past to make sense of the title, because she doesn't give us enough clues about who all made her sad. (It sounds like a lot more than two ponies.)
Addendum: I just now saw the title of the story. It implies that Celestia's had a second falling out with a student, which in my headcanon would be Starlight Glimmer; but perhaps you mean Luna...? I think it's too ambiguous here. We don't know enough about Celestia's past to make sense of the title, because she doesn't give us enough clues about who all made her sad. (It sounds like a lot more than two ponies.)
I'm going to be blunt. I'm not sure why, but this one didn't really hit its mark for me. For some reason, a lot of the emotions here didn't quite feel genuine to me. If I had to pick a reason, I'd say that a lot of the set-up feels formulaic. I've seen a whole bunch of these plot devices used before: innocent child overhearing adults talk about an emotional event; the whole "the Princess isn't seeing anyone right now" song and dance, and a lot of the way Celestia tip-toes around talking about the actual issue. All of these little tropes make the emotions feel second-hand. I know its tempting to use emotional shorthand to get your point across to the reader as fast as you can, but don't rely on it to deliver the core of your story.
The timeline doesn't work in my head, if this is Sunset Shimmer anyway. The rest is relatively well done, the other exception being the smell. We need more clues. If it's alcohol, if she's been vomiting due to nerves, if it's just "unwashed stink," or if "smell" is actually code for some empathic instinct as she senses sadness. The story mostly works, but it's just a little too anvilicious.
TWO STRIKES
I wrote this story in an hour, sitting a table in the lobby of a hostel in Edinburgh. I don't remember how I got the idea. I kept switching perspectives around—I wasn't sure whether to write it from Twilight's POV or Celestia.
It's the morning after Sunset ran away. That's why the campus is locked down, and why the maids are talking about a troublesome filly with a relation to Celestia being gone. Luna was the first strike, Sunset is the second.
I'm amazed so many people got caught up on the smell thing. During the 5-minute grace period, as I was walking from my hostel, I was wondering if the "something" would confuse anyone. I had a temptation to change it to "the smell of rubbing alcohol," but I thought that would be too on the nose. Twilight's young, so she doesn't know the smell by heart, but I still wanted to get it across.
Originally I wanted the fic to end with Celestia introducing Twilight to the concept of the Elements of Harmony, with the implication being that Sunset was originally meant to be the Element of Magic, but now Twilight has to replace her. But I didn't have enough space to make that jive with canon. I picked the new ending because I wanted the "my faithful student" thing to have more weight.
IT SUCKS
thanks to everyone who read tho
I wrote this story in an hour, sitting a table in the lobby of a hostel in Edinburgh. I don't remember how I got the idea. I kept switching perspectives around—I wasn't sure whether to write it from Twilight's POV or Celestia.
It's the morning after Sunset ran away. That's why the campus is locked down, and why the maids are talking about a troublesome filly with a relation to Celestia being gone. Luna was the first strike, Sunset is the second.
I'm amazed so many people got caught up on the smell thing. During the 5-minute grace period, as I was walking from my hostel, I was wondering if the "something" would confuse anyone. I had a temptation to change it to "the smell of rubbing alcohol," but I thought that would be too on the nose. Twilight's young, so she doesn't know the smell by heart, but I still wanted to get it across.
Originally I wanted the fic to end with Celestia introducing Twilight to the concept of the Elements of Harmony, with the implication being that Sunset was originally meant to be the Element of Magic, but now Twilight has to replace her. But I didn't have enough space to make that jive with canon. I picked the new ending because I wanted the "my faithful student" thing to have more weight.
IT SUCKS
thanks to everyone who read tho
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Stop shouting. It wasn't that bad.
There were some better stories, but I still enjoyed reading it and would like to see it fixed. The 'faithful' bit was a masterful idea.
Stop shouting. It wasn't that bad.
There were some better stories, but I still enjoyed reading it and would like to see it fixed. The 'faithful' bit was a masterful idea.