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Little by Little
The Ponyville pub was a quiet place where one could go to unwind or dull their sorrows. Alone with one's drinks and woes, that’s how one mare spent her nights. Tucked in the far, cozy corner of the bar sat a grey-coated mare with a charcoal black mane. Clasped tightly in her left hoof a rocks glass filled halfway with a deep, caramel-colored beverage and a mostly melted crystal-clear ice sphere floating haplessly. Her free hoof traced the rim for a moment before she tipped the glass back.
The burn coated her tongue and stayed only briefly, moving down into her chest as she swallowed her sip of whiskey.
But the alcohol burn wasn’t the only one she felt. Another beamed at her back—two, actually. Small circles about a nose’s width apart square on her head. The mare’s gaze fell back down into her glass, but her ears swiveled back at the source of those burning beams.
"Am I that obvious?" a voice asked from behind.
"Come on," the mare said with a sigh. "At least you can buy me another drink while you try your best to swoon me once more."
Another mare stepped to the counter, one with a sleek, white coat and electric blue mane. She took a seat on the stool. "I’ll get something out of you eventually."
The grey mare raised an eyebrow in disgust. "Such confidence tonight. And what—pray tell—makes you so sure tonight will be the night you finally woo me, Miss Vinyl Scratch?"
"And your mind goes right to the gutter?" Vinyl chuckled. She slid another whiskey glass over via a sparkling pink cloud. "I was thinking I’d at least get your name tonight."
The mare looked down the new beverage, a full glass of whiskey with a large clear ice sphere floating in the center. A small smirk then spread across her face. "Oh, you finally got my drink order right. I suppose you are good for something after all."
"I pay attention," Vinyl replied with a pleased smirk.
"But not quite enough to notice when somepony wishes to be left alone?" The mare stared at Vinyl with a flat look and a tone drenched in sour sarcasm.
Vinyl shrugged. "What you see as somepony wanting to be alone I see as somepony who could use a shoulder to cry on."
The mare dropped her gaze once more, this time down into the new whiskey glass. Reflected off the ice and caramel liquid she caught a faint smile on her own face.
"So sitting alone in the corner, muzzle buried in a glass of whiskey screams, ‘be my friend,’ to you?" She asked, turning her gaze back up to Vinyl.
"No," Vinyl said, laughing. "Sitting alone in the corner, muzzle buried in a glass of whiskey screams, ‘drinking problem,’ to everypony. It’s just my conscience won’t let me turn a blind eye to a cute girl all by her lonesome."
Once more the mare turned her eyes down to the glass. She took a small sip. The burn was stronger than before, but she let it rest on her tongue for a few moments. When she finally swallowed, the burn that followed wasn’t so bad. "Octavia," the mare muttered.
Vinyl raised an eyebrow and ear. "What’s that?"
"My name. It’s Octavia."
Suddenly a big smirk spread across Vinyl’s face. "Well, Octavia—mind if I call you Octy?—how about we head back to my place and—"
"And you ruined it." Octavia sighed loudly. "That slow and steady thing was working much better."
"I’m joking with you." Vinyl gave her a light shove on the shoulder. "But let’s not rule anything out just yet."
The burn coated her tongue and stayed only briefly, moving down into her chest as she swallowed her sip of whiskey.
But the alcohol burn wasn’t the only one she felt. Another beamed at her back—two, actually. Small circles about a nose’s width apart square on her head. The mare’s gaze fell back down into her glass, but her ears swiveled back at the source of those burning beams.
"Am I that obvious?" a voice asked from behind.
"Come on," the mare said with a sigh. "At least you can buy me another drink while you try your best to swoon me once more."
Another mare stepped to the counter, one with a sleek, white coat and electric blue mane. She took a seat on the stool. "I’ll get something out of you eventually."
The grey mare raised an eyebrow in disgust. "Such confidence tonight. And what—pray tell—makes you so sure tonight will be the night you finally woo me, Miss Vinyl Scratch?"
"And your mind goes right to the gutter?" Vinyl chuckled. She slid another whiskey glass over via a sparkling pink cloud. "I was thinking I’d at least get your name tonight."
The mare looked down the new beverage, a full glass of whiskey with a large clear ice sphere floating in the center. A small smirk then spread across her face. "Oh, you finally got my drink order right. I suppose you are good for something after all."
"I pay attention," Vinyl replied with a pleased smirk.
"But not quite enough to notice when somepony wishes to be left alone?" The mare stared at Vinyl with a flat look and a tone drenched in sour sarcasm.
Vinyl shrugged. "What you see as somepony wanting to be alone I see as somepony who could use a shoulder to cry on."
The mare dropped her gaze once more, this time down into the new whiskey glass. Reflected off the ice and caramel liquid she caught a faint smile on her own face.
"So sitting alone in the corner, muzzle buried in a glass of whiskey screams, ‘be my friend,’ to you?" She asked, turning her gaze back up to Vinyl.
"No," Vinyl said, laughing. "Sitting alone in the corner, muzzle buried in a glass of whiskey screams, ‘drinking problem,’ to everypony. It’s just my conscience won’t let me turn a blind eye to a cute girl all by her lonesome."
Once more the mare turned her eyes down to the glass. She took a small sip. The burn was stronger than before, but she let it rest on her tongue for a few moments. When she finally swallowed, the burn that followed wasn’t so bad. "Octavia," the mare muttered.
Vinyl raised an eyebrow and ear. "What’s that?"
"My name. It’s Octavia."
Suddenly a big smirk spread across Vinyl’s face. "Well, Octavia—mind if I call you Octy?—how about we head back to my place and—"
"And you ruined it." Octavia sighed loudly. "That slow and steady thing was working much better."
"I’m joking with you." Vinyl gave her a light shove on the shoulder. "But let’s not rule anything out just yet."
Oh, yeah. You think you're so high and mighty with your ice ball, aren't you, Octavia? Ice cubes cool loquids just as well as their spheroid brethren.
I'unno why that stood out to me, but it did. Moving on to the story, I find it to be entertaining. It's a solid story about a meeting, and the first steps towards something more. I wished we could have had a little more back and forth between them, if only to get a better grasp of their characterisation.
Solid entry, but I don't have much else to say.
I'unno why that stood out to me, but it did. Moving on to the story, I find it to be entertaining. It's a solid story about a meeting, and the first steps towards something more. I wished we could have had a little more back and forth between them, if only to get a better grasp of their characterisation.
Solid entry, but I don't have much else to say.
Whoah. Serious Allegrazza flashbacks what with the whisky.
Its nicely moody and atmospheric, but I'm not quite sure it's being told from the right perspective, here? Utlimately, Vinyl is the active party in this story (Octavia isn't actually looking for anything and, thought her troubles are heavily implied, we don't actually get enough of a look to be able to say she's looking for an excuse to connect to someone or whether she really does want to be left alone - the implication is there, obviously, but given the story is from her perspective it is a bit weird to not get a little more insight).
Basically, you've got all the steps down right and the chemistry is decent, but I'm not really feeling the heart in this dance. Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.
Also the whole burn/beamed paragraph doesn't quite work for me. The phrasing on it is a little weird and just doesn't quite flow. And that last line feels like a bit of a fumble, since Vinyl basically just repeats the rushing approach after backing down from it.
Its nicely moody and atmospheric, but I'm not quite sure it's being told from the right perspective, here? Utlimately, Vinyl is the active party in this story (Octavia isn't actually looking for anything and, thought her troubles are heavily implied, we don't actually get enough of a look to be able to say she's looking for an excuse to connect to someone or whether she really does want to be left alone - the implication is there, obviously, but given the story is from her perspective it is a bit weird to not get a little more insight).
Basically, you've got all the steps down right and the chemistry is decent, but I'm not really feeling the heart in this dance. Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.
Also the whole burn/beamed paragraph doesn't quite work for me. The phrasing on it is a little weird and just doesn't quite flow. And that last line feels like a bit of a fumble, since Vinyl basically just repeats the rushing approach after backing down from it.
This is nice. The pacing here is perfect, and you set the mood very well. I don't have much to harp on plot-wise or in terms of organization.
You could use a little work on your composition, though this may just be the time limit, and it was mainly in the early part of the story where I noticed some issues. I'm only going to give two examples. First off, in the second sentence, the indefinite 'one' pronoun in the first clause doesn't match with 'her' in the second. You can do that if you break it into two sentences but not as a single thought. Secondly, in the second paragraph, it would be better to stick to metaphor or literalism than to mix the two in the same sentence. I would drop the 'swallowed her sip of whiskey'. Trust the reader to figure stuff like this out—you don't need to hold our hooves. I'm also not sure the microparagraphing is helping you here (i.e. I'd have combined the second and third paragraphs).
All that aside, I do like this story. It fits really well into the minific format, and extends the MLP setting in the best way that fanfiction can: adding color beyond where the show can go, while using familiar characters or ideas.
You could use a little work on your composition, though this may just be the time limit, and it was mainly in the early part of the story where I noticed some issues. I'm only going to give two examples. First off, in the second sentence, the indefinite 'one' pronoun in the first clause doesn't match with 'her' in the second. You can do that if you break it into two sentences but not as a single thought. Secondly, in the second paragraph, it would be better to stick to metaphor or literalism than to mix the two in the same sentence. I would drop the 'swallowed her sip of whiskey'. Trust the reader to figure stuff like this out—you don't need to hold our hooves. I'm also not sure the microparagraphing is helping you here (i.e. I'd have combined the second and third paragraphs).
All that aside, I do like this story. It fits really well into the minific format, and extends the MLP setting in the best way that fanfiction can: adding color beyond where the show can go, while using familiar characters or ideas.
Doing my tour of stories with low count reviews, though I don't think this one really needs me.
Anyway, this is a good start for something bigger, and you still managed to somehow have a complete arc, with Octavia finally giving her name to Vinyl. And I'll side with >>AndrewRogue on this. Having the perspective from Vinyl would have helped to feel the arc and its resolution more. As it is, it's a bit too faint to really care about the characters.
As a nitpick, I'll also recommend to use some variations around the burning alcohol. You have five instance of the word 'burn'. Maybe fire, heat, furnace could work.
Anyway, I'll echo the praises already mentionned. You have a solid pace and prose, and I find myself enjoying this little thing, while I've read countless fics about this OTP.
Thank you for sharing.
Anyway, this is a good start for something bigger, and you still managed to somehow have a complete arc, with Octavia finally giving her name to Vinyl. And I'll side with >>AndrewRogue on this. Having the perspective from Vinyl would have helped to feel the arc and its resolution more. As it is, it's a bit too faint to really care about the characters.
As a nitpick, I'll also recommend to use some variations around the burning alcohol. You have five instance of the word 'burn'. Maybe fire, heat, furnace could work.
Anyway, I'll echo the praises already mentionned. You have a solid pace and prose, and I find myself enjoying this little thing, while I've read countless fics about this OTP.
Thank you for sharing.
Light, fluffly, and clever. I'd say that there's not all that much to the story, but this is a mini-fic round. It's solidly written and entertaining. I don't have much to add except give it a thumbs up.
It's time to mix drinks and change lives!
So there's a bit of a pattern with entries like this. A bunch of people come in, enjoy it, and post glowing reviews. Then I get to it and post a wordy version of "but it doesn't tell a story ;_;" (and then some more people post and tell me about how I'm totally wrong, and it does have a narrative arc under some subtle lens, and I reread it and still don't see it and shrug, and etc)
BUT NOT THIS TIME! Here we have a moody atmospheric character piece that does, in fact, tell a story and contain a narrative arc clear enough to satisfy even me. Good job. Well done. It's not a huge arc, but it's clear and it's present.
The fluff is good too. Excellent mood setting, captures the classic bar feel. Again, it doesn't aim extremely high, but makes its modest point well.
So there's just one major flaw to me: who are these ponies? Their names are given as Vinyl and Octavia. Their colors are described. Nothing else is. One is outgoing and a bit of a perv, and the other is not. Aside from that? They could be anypony. Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.
Good effort, nice environmental piece, very enjoyable. But remember to tie it to the characters you're using - there's pushing boundaries, and then there's Character In Name Only Syndrome. Also, play VA-11 Hall-A. Thanks for writing!
So there's a bit of a pattern with entries like this. A bunch of people come in, enjoy it, and post glowing reviews. Then I get to it and post a wordy version of "but it doesn't tell a story ;_;" (and then some more people post and tell me about how I'm totally wrong, and it does have a narrative arc under some subtle lens, and I reread it and still don't see it and shrug, and etc)
BUT NOT THIS TIME! Here we have a moody atmospheric character piece that does, in fact, tell a story and contain a narrative arc clear enough to satisfy even me. Good job. Well done. It's not a huge arc, but it's clear and it's present.
The fluff is good too. Excellent mood setting, captures the classic bar feel. Again, it doesn't aim extremely high, but makes its modest point well.
So there's just one major flaw to me: who are these ponies? Their names are given as Vinyl and Octavia. Their colors are described. Nothing else is. One is outgoing and a bit of a perv, and the other is not. Aside from that? They could be anypony. Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.
Good effort, nice environmental piece, very enjoyable. But remember to tie it to the characters you're using - there's pushing boundaries, and then there's Character In Name Only Syndrome. Also, play VA-11 Hall-A. Thanks for writing!
Echoing off of what several reviewers have said, this is a pretty cool scene~ The mood-setting is done very well, kudos to the other. I particularly enjoy the prose, the author clearly is very skilled and that skill immersed me in the story, so I appreciate that. I think Trick on the one thing here I'd say could be improved upon and that's the composition. I agree with her comment on the micro-paragraphing, but then again, it's a mini fic, you don't need nor want to go into depth on a lot of elements. Word choice is a little bland towards the end—I'd actually say the story -dips- towards the end, just a little. Like I said with the mood-setting, at the beginning, it was immersive, and while the execution of the story is strong at the end, I'd like to have seen the writing itself be as captivating as it was from the first line. Overall, really solid scene, and I would like to see this extended.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
I would like to offer something to the both of you and your criticisms, and excuse me, but I'm calling it unfair. In both of your reviews where you note you have issue with the story, you mention "fanon" elements that are clearly not evident in this story. This story is not a normal "TaviScratch" shipping story, so I ask you don't look at it as one.
Here's my issue.
With all due respect, these are biased and unfair criticisms due to the fact you are expecting this story to be like any normal Octavia and Vinyl shipping story. Thing is, in this story, Octavia and Vinyl aren't friends. They know nearly nothing about each other. You've applied not even canon elements, but fanfare elements to these characters that are not fact and basically taken away free interpretation from the author, or you've frowned upon the authors free will of using characters with very limited backgrounds, which, in my opinion, is wrong. They didn't comply to what the fandom believes, and even if you don't recognize it you've marked this fic as "flawed" for not following fandom tradition.
Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?
In canon, Vinyl and Octavia live together, and in this story, Vinyl doesn't even know Octavia's name till the end. So, this story is obviously not after canon, so it has no reason to adhere to canonization. It's its own thing, so why are you judging a fic that uses background ponies, and then telling the author their fic is flawed because they don't use the "fandom norm" or on a micro scale, your headcanon.
I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but I'm hoping some perspective might help any other readers.
This fic isn't perfect, you don't have to like it, but all I'm saying is it's extremely unfair to call fandom theory "fact" and then punish the author and tell them their fic is "flawed," because they don't follow fandom theory. It's like having a group of friends, they all order Ice Cream, everyone gets chocolate, one guy gets cookie dough and you call him "wrong" in reality it's just different.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
I would like to offer something to the both of you and your criticisms, and excuse me, but I'm calling it unfair. In both of your reviews where you note you have issue with the story, you mention "fanon" elements that are clearly not evident in this story. This story is not a normal "TaviScratch" shipping story, so I ask you don't look at it as one.
Here's my issue.
Gimme the emotional meat, a reason to root for Vinyl and Octavia hooking up besides my frankly unhealthy obsession.
Vinyl isn't even specified as a unicorn. As far as I can see, there isn't a single word related to music in the entire piece. Andrew "TaviScratch" Rogue says it feels like the heart is missing, and he's right. There's nothing here making this Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, it's a purely generic active person/passive person relationship starter.
With all due respect, these are biased and unfair criticisms due to the fact you are expecting this story to be like any normal Octavia and Vinyl shipping story. Thing is, in this story, Octavia and Vinyl aren't friends. They know nearly nothing about each other. You've applied not even canon elements, but fanfare elements to these characters that are not fact and basically taken away free interpretation from the author, or you've frowned upon the authors free will of using characters with very limited backgrounds, which, in my opinion, is wrong. They didn't comply to what the fandom believes, and even if you don't recognize it you've marked this fic as "flawed" for not following fandom tradition.
Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?
In canon, Vinyl and Octavia live together, and in this story, Vinyl doesn't even know Octavia's name till the end. So, this story is obviously not after canon, so it has no reason to adhere to canonization. It's its own thing, so why are you judging a fic that uses background ponies, and then telling the author their fic is flawed because they don't use the "fandom norm" or on a micro scale, your headcanon.
I'm sorry if this is a bit blunt, but I'm hoping some perspective might help any other readers.
This fic isn't perfect, you don't have to like it, but all I'm saying is it's extremely unfair to call fandom theory "fact" and then punish the author and tell them their fic is "flawed," because they don't follow fandom theory. It's like having a group of friends, they all order Ice Cream, everyone gets chocolate, one guy gets cookie dough and you call him "wrong" in reality it's just different.
>>ChappedPenguinLips
Thank you for commenting! I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here... or possibly I have been misunderstood?
Yes, this is the point I was trying to make. This story is intended to be about Vinyl and Octavia, but it is written without using any identifying markers or character traits for them, so it might as well be about Dainty and Angelic. This is not a good thing, because fanfiction creates both expectations and opportunities when an author chooses to use established characters or elements.
The author could have chosen to make the ponies in this story original characters, but instead chose to indicate (via names) that they are Vinyl and Octavia. Because they made that choice, I as a reader now expect to see further elements of Vinyl and Octavia's established characterizations come into play, and for the story to actively make use of those elements for characterization.
Additionally, it is expected and encouraged for fanfiction to change or reinterpret some elements of established characters. However, you cannot change or strip away every element of an established character and still claim that the fic is about that character! Something recognizable must remain.
Now, these are minor characters in canon, so they do not have very much source material to work with. But they do have some firmly established canon elements: Vinyl is a unicorn, Octavia is an earth pony, both of them have musical symbol cutie marks and are involved with music as their primary occupations, Vinyl is involved with modern electronic music, Octavia plays the cello. None of those elements appear in this story.
Fanon is often invoked as a characterization shorthand when writing in an established fanfiction community (like this one!), especially for characters who had minor roles in canon. In pony fandom in particular, commonly accepted fanon elements about minor characters play a major role in audience interpretations, up to and including such elements being directly written into canon as a response to their popularity. While certainly not required of any author, common fanon elements help readers recognize and interpret the characters in question as being characters rather than blank slates. This story also does not feature any common fanon characterization elements for Vinyl or Octavia - at least, none that I recognize. It does feature extremely broad personality strokes of Vinyl being outgoing and Octavia being dour and introverted, but these are so generic and widely applicable that to me they are not sufficient to demarcate the specific characters involved.
Because existing characters have been invoked, but have not been sufficiently related to their existing characterizations, canon or otherwise, I have to count this as a missed opportunity. The story could have taken advantage of these existing elements in various ways (for example, mentioning their different phenotypes to play on ponyracial tension, or using musical motifs or metaphors to make descriptions more effective or imply a shared background or common interest.) It does not do so. This is both a squandering of potential from a writing standpoint, and a disappointment to readers who happen to be fans of these characters and were drawn in by the story's use of their names, expecting to see the characters they are familiar with in play.
With the way the story is currently written, there is little if any good reason for the characters to be explicitly named Vinyl and Octavia. They are not only unrecognizable as those characters by a close read of the text, they are generic personalities lacking any identifying details in the text. This creates the impression that the author is being 'lazy' and attempting to coast on names alone as substitutes for actually writing out details and characterization, presumably because of the minific length limitations.
There's only so far you can go in that direction and have the piece remain effective, and names alone aren't enough. At least, in my eyes. Opinions may vary, although this is by no means an unknown phenomenon in fandom circles.
If you took the characters in this story and changed their names to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, that doesn't make it a Harry Potter fanfic or a creative reimagining of those characters that's "just a different flavor of ice cream" from most Harry Potter fics. Names alone don't make it so. Some actual trait or substance of the original that is recognizable to the audience must remain.
I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop there. Hopefully this helps understanding of why I see this story as flawed.
Thank you for commenting! I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here... or possibly I have been misunderstood?
Imagine the main characters are named Dainty Love and Angelic Song, not Vinyl and Octavia. If it were Dainty and Angelic, besides having misfitting names for the story, does the topic of music come up? There's no standard of what their relationship should be, right?
Yes, this is the point I was trying to make. This story is intended to be about Vinyl and Octavia, but it is written without using any identifying markers or character traits for them, so it might as well be about Dainty and Angelic. This is not a good thing, because fanfiction creates both expectations and opportunities when an author chooses to use established characters or elements.
The author could have chosen to make the ponies in this story original characters, but instead chose to indicate (via names) that they are Vinyl and Octavia. Because they made that choice, I as a reader now expect to see further elements of Vinyl and Octavia's established characterizations come into play, and for the story to actively make use of those elements for characterization.
Additionally, it is expected and encouraged for fanfiction to change or reinterpret some elements of established characters. However, you cannot change or strip away every element of an established character and still claim that the fic is about that character! Something recognizable must remain.
Now, these are minor characters in canon, so they do not have very much source material to work with. But they do have some firmly established canon elements: Vinyl is a unicorn, Octavia is an earth pony, both of them have musical symbol cutie marks and are involved with music as their primary occupations, Vinyl is involved with modern electronic music, Octavia plays the cello. None of those elements appear in this story.
Fanon is often invoked as a characterization shorthand when writing in an established fanfiction community (like this one!), especially for characters who had minor roles in canon. In pony fandom in particular, commonly accepted fanon elements about minor characters play a major role in audience interpretations, up to and including such elements being directly written into canon as a response to their popularity. While certainly not required of any author, common fanon elements help readers recognize and interpret the characters in question as being characters rather than blank slates. This story also does not feature any common fanon characterization elements for Vinyl or Octavia - at least, none that I recognize. It does feature extremely broad personality strokes of Vinyl being outgoing and Octavia being dour and introverted, but these are so generic and widely applicable that to me they are not sufficient to demarcate the specific characters involved.
Because existing characters have been invoked, but have not been sufficiently related to their existing characterizations, canon or otherwise, I have to count this as a missed opportunity. The story could have taken advantage of these existing elements in various ways (for example, mentioning their different phenotypes to play on ponyracial tension, or using musical motifs or metaphors to make descriptions more effective or imply a shared background or common interest.) It does not do so. This is both a squandering of potential from a writing standpoint, and a disappointment to readers who happen to be fans of these characters and were drawn in by the story's use of their names, expecting to see the characters they are familiar with in play.
With the way the story is currently written, there is little if any good reason for the characters to be explicitly named Vinyl and Octavia. They are not only unrecognizable as those characters by a close read of the text, they are generic personalities lacking any identifying details in the text. This creates the impression that the author is being 'lazy' and attempting to coast on names alone as substitutes for actually writing out details and characterization, presumably because of the minific length limitations.
There's only so far you can go in that direction and have the piece remain effective, and names alone aren't enough. At least, in my eyes. Opinions may vary, although this is by no means an unknown phenomenon in fandom circles.
If you took the characters in this story and changed their names to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, that doesn't make it a Harry Potter fanfic or a creative reimagining of those characters that's "just a different flavor of ice cream" from most Harry Potter fics. Names alone don't make it so. Some actual trait or substance of the original that is recognizable to the audience must remain.
I think I'm rambling now so I'll stop there. Hopefully this helps understanding of why I see this story as flawed.
>>ChappedPenguinLips Pretty sure you misunderstood my post a bit.
To put it more bluntly, I can almost guarantee that this fic would have placed lower on my slate had it not been TaviScratch. I have no issue with varying interpretations of the characters or even ones that divest from what little canon exists about them; my issue is that while I find the scene pleasant and moody, I just don't feel there is quite enough to -really- get me rooting for this romance to advance if these characters weren't two I was (as it were) already invested in.
Basically, there is not enough information about this rendition of Octavia and Vinyl for me (at least a hypothetical me who was was not a massive TaviScratch shipping nerd) to know if I should be rooting for them. Maybe Vinyl really is pushing things way too hard and Octavia isn't a pony who wants her to keep pressuring her. Maybe Octavia needs a friend now and a romantic partner later. Maybe Octavia here is just a real grumbly asshole and this relationship is doomed from the get go. Maybe Vinyl is just a serial dater and likes a challenge. Etc.
While I realize part of the idea here is obviously the TBD element, there still needs to be some little bit of meat that convinces the reader that this is a relationship they want to root for (or maybe a relationship they are terrified of). By leaning on ostensibly familiar characters (it's pretty easy for me to link this back to Allegrazza, for realsies, for example) you can sorta gloss a bit over that because you are relying on the reader to fill in the meat themselves based on surrounding material, but it isn't a good thing to bank on.
Had this been about two random OCs, I really think this flaw would've been more evident.
To put it more bluntly, I can almost guarantee that this fic would have placed lower on my slate had it not been TaviScratch. I have no issue with varying interpretations of the characters or even ones that divest from what little canon exists about them; my issue is that while I find the scene pleasant and moody, I just don't feel there is quite enough to -really- get me rooting for this romance to advance if these characters weren't two I was (as it were) already invested in.
Basically, there is not enough information about this rendition of Octavia and Vinyl for me (at least a hypothetical me who was was not a massive TaviScratch shipping nerd) to know if I should be rooting for them. Maybe Vinyl really is pushing things way too hard and Octavia isn't a pony who wants her to keep pressuring her. Maybe Octavia needs a friend now and a romantic partner later. Maybe Octavia here is just a real grumbly asshole and this relationship is doomed from the get go. Maybe Vinyl is just a serial dater and likes a challenge. Etc.
While I realize part of the idea here is obviously the TBD element, there still needs to be some little bit of meat that convinces the reader that this is a relationship they want to root for (or maybe a relationship they are terrified of). By leaning on ostensibly familiar characters (it's pretty easy for me to link this back to Allegrazza, for realsies, for example) you can sorta gloss a bit over that because you are relying on the reader to fill in the meat themselves based on surrounding material, but it isn't a good thing to bank on.
Had this been about two random OCs, I really think this flaw would've been more evident.
Lightning Review: I don't understand all the fuss in the reviews regarding whether these are Octavia and Vinyl. Then again, I don't really ship it either, so maybe I'm unfamiliar with the genre. Anyway, this strikes me as a very well-done attempted pickup story, and a plausible start for these two.
Tier: Strong
Tier: Strong