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"Am I...?"
"Oof." Flurry's haunches hit the cafeteria floor hard, and she tumbled onto her back. She opened her eyes to see her adversary—Scarlet Rose, the meanest most terrible filly in all of second grade—towering over her with an ugly smirk plastered across her muzzle.
Flurry squeaked, and looked away from Scarlet's persecuting glare. To her left, was a sea of foals staring at them, chattering amongst themselves. She squeezed her eyes shut and faced the opposite direction. She took a sheepish peek and saw what she thought was a mirror image. She closed her eyes again, trembling, and wished she was back home in bed.
"Hey!" shouted a blue colt as he emerged from the crowd, "You can't push her! She's my friend! And a princess!" The colt knelt next to Flurry's head and outstretched a hoof, smiling. "You okay?"
Flurry took his hoof and nodded, whispering, "Yeah." She hopped up, teetering back and forth as she struggled to balance herself. With a sigh of relief, she brushed the dust off of her coat."Thanks, Scooter." She offered him a weak smile, but it quickly faltered at the sound of:
"She's not a princess!" Scarlet sneered, flipping her crimson mane like an arrogant model, "she's just some prissy Alicorn."
Scooter stepped forward, pointing a stiff leg at her. "She is too a princess! And she's not prissy! Unlike you, Scarlet."
"Oh yeah? What's she princess of? Griffon Wings?" The cafeteria erupted into condescending laughter as Flurry felt her cheeks burn.
"No! She's not, you big bully!" Scooter gritted his teeth, and his nose flared.
"Princess of what then?" Scarlet repeated.
The colt stammered, "Th-the princess of, uh, the, uh... Crystal Empire? Yeah! The Crystal Empire!"
"No she's not! Her mom is, not her."
"No, she is too, right Flurry?" Scooter said, staring back at his friend.
Flurry’s eyes were fixated on the ground, unable to face her peer. Her hooves shook like branches in a storm, mistyness clouding her eyes as a heaviness filled her lungs. "I-I-I don't..." She tilted her head so only Scooter could see her glossy orbs. "I don't know... " she murmured.
Scooter's eyes drooped. "Oh." he said, rubbing the nape of his neck, his cheeks flared from within. "I'm sorry..." He trotted past her, head hanging like a reef.
Scarlet must have said something else, because as he walked by, the lunch room stocked with another round of reverberating laughter.
Flurry sighed, though she knew Scooter couldn't hear her.
"It's not your fault..."
Flurry Heart stood in the doorway of her parents’ bedroom and saw her dad, outstretched on the bed. "Dad," she sullenly called, "am I a princess?"
Shining glanced up from the newspaper he was reading and smiled. "Of course you are, you're Daddy's Little Princess!"
"Not that," Flurry crossed one of her forehooves in front of the other and tried her best not to look at her father. "I mean, like an actual princess."
Shining frowned in disappointment. He sat up fully, and dangled his hind-hooves over the side of the bed. He scratched his chin with a taut grin. "Technically, you're a duchess, since your mom's a princess. But that pretty much makes you a princess." He regarded his daughter; she was frail, flushed of her usual bubblegum pink color. He crinkled his brow. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason," she said, tracing the carpet floor with a hoof. She looked up at him with dispirited eyes. "The carpet's soft."
He ambled over to her side and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "What's wrong kiddo?"
She stared up at her father, then sighed. "Scarlet told everyone I wasn't a princess and made fun of me."
"Oh, don't worry about her. She's just jealous."
"About what? She's right. I'm not a princess." Flurry huffed, and ran her hoof across the anemone-like carpet.
Shining gently tugged at his daughter's chin, "Of what?" he echoed, "did you forget that your mother’s the princess of the entire Crystal Empire? Or that your father is the captain of the royal guard? Or how about the fact that you're the only birth-Alicorn Equestria's ever seen?" He smiled, reaching a hoof under his daughter's ribs to tickle her.
She giggled, pushing his hoof away. "Stop it."
"What?" He grinned. "I'm just messing with you," he said, continuing his tickling attack.
"Stop! Stop!" she pleaded over a barrage of laughter, before finally collapsing on her father's leg. Breathless, she spoke, "Thanks, Dad."
"Anytime, my Flurry Heart."
Flurry squeaked, and looked away from Scarlet's persecuting glare. To her left, was a sea of foals staring at them, chattering amongst themselves. She squeezed her eyes shut and faced the opposite direction. She took a sheepish peek and saw what she thought was a mirror image. She closed her eyes again, trembling, and wished she was back home in bed.
"Hey!" shouted a blue colt as he emerged from the crowd, "You can't push her! She's my friend! And a princess!" The colt knelt next to Flurry's head and outstretched a hoof, smiling. "You okay?"
Flurry took his hoof and nodded, whispering, "Yeah." She hopped up, teetering back and forth as she struggled to balance herself. With a sigh of relief, she brushed the dust off of her coat."Thanks, Scooter." She offered him a weak smile, but it quickly faltered at the sound of:
"She's not a princess!" Scarlet sneered, flipping her crimson mane like an arrogant model, "she's just some prissy Alicorn."
Scooter stepped forward, pointing a stiff leg at her. "She is too a princess! And she's not prissy! Unlike you, Scarlet."
"Oh yeah? What's she princess of? Griffon Wings?" The cafeteria erupted into condescending laughter as Flurry felt her cheeks burn.
"No! She's not, you big bully!" Scooter gritted his teeth, and his nose flared.
"Princess of what then?" Scarlet repeated.
The colt stammered, "Th-the princess of, uh, the, uh... Crystal Empire? Yeah! The Crystal Empire!"
"No she's not! Her mom is, not her."
"No, she is too, right Flurry?" Scooter said, staring back at his friend.
Flurry’s eyes were fixated on the ground, unable to face her peer. Her hooves shook like branches in a storm, mistyness clouding her eyes as a heaviness filled her lungs. "I-I-I don't..." She tilted her head so only Scooter could see her glossy orbs. "I don't know... " she murmured.
Scooter's eyes drooped. "Oh." he said, rubbing the nape of his neck, his cheeks flared from within. "I'm sorry..." He trotted past her, head hanging like a reef.
Scarlet must have said something else, because as he walked by, the lunch room stocked with another round of reverberating laughter.
Flurry sighed, though she knew Scooter couldn't hear her.
"It's not your fault..."
Flurry Heart stood in the doorway of her parents’ bedroom and saw her dad, outstretched on the bed. "Dad," she sullenly called, "am I a princess?"
Shining glanced up from the newspaper he was reading and smiled. "Of course you are, you're Daddy's Little Princess!"
"Not that," Flurry crossed one of her forehooves in front of the other and tried her best not to look at her father. "I mean, like an actual princess."
Shining frowned in disappointment. He sat up fully, and dangled his hind-hooves over the side of the bed. He scratched his chin with a taut grin. "Technically, you're a duchess, since your mom's a princess. But that pretty much makes you a princess." He regarded his daughter; she was frail, flushed of her usual bubblegum pink color. He crinkled his brow. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason," she said, tracing the carpet floor with a hoof. She looked up at him with dispirited eyes. "The carpet's soft."
He ambled over to her side and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "What's wrong kiddo?"
She stared up at her father, then sighed. "Scarlet told everyone I wasn't a princess and made fun of me."
"Oh, don't worry about her. She's just jealous."
"About what? She's right. I'm not a princess." Flurry huffed, and ran her hoof across the anemone-like carpet.
Shining gently tugged at his daughter's chin, "Of what?" he echoed, "did you forget that your mother’s the princess of the entire Crystal Empire? Or that your father is the captain of the royal guard? Or how about the fact that you're the only birth-Alicorn Equestria's ever seen?" He smiled, reaching a hoof under his daughter's ribs to tickle her.
She giggled, pushing his hoof away. "Stop it."
"What?" He grinned. "I'm just messing with you," he said, continuing his tickling attack.
"Stop! Stop!" she pleaded over a barrage of laughter, before finally collapsing on her father's leg. Breathless, she spoke, "Thanks, Dad."
"Anytime, my Flurry Heart."
This was alright. Rather average.
It felt like a series of rolling hills. Not like, the story went up and down as it progressed but more like, the elements where the story was strong, it showed, and the elements where the story suffered, showed as well. I'll hit on the big point or two:
> The impact of the word limit bled through every word. The pacing was fine, and felt oddly natural, but you could really feel the struggle of conforming to the word limit. It feels like you took a short story, and shoved it into a minific. Like, you crammed it in, trying to fit a whole story in the confines of 750 words and the result is an average, bare-bones story. There's not a whole lot of explanation to things, events happen then the story suddenly progresses, the resolution was too easy, and some questions like what happened to the blue colt weren't answered.
It had all the elements of a story... and it was coherent, but you left me with only the neccesary. This story is like the bare necessities. You have everything a story needs, and actually managed to make this quite good for your constraints and what you tried to do, but due to those constraints it just... didn't truly become what it could be, you know?
My strong recommendation is for you to maybe write a scene. Sitting down, 750 words seems like a lot of room to fit everything you want into your story, but those words go by so fast and you have to cram to finish the story. Whereas with a scene, it's nice and simple. Scenes are typically pretty short anyways, and they just... work better with these kind of competitions. I hope I'm conveying this properly, I'm not sure.
It was alright, overall. As I mentioned, I imagine this would work a lot better if this was a short story instead of a minific, and hey maybe adapt it and upload it on FIMfiction or something. I'd read it. But as of it's current state, it's middle of the pack.
It felt like a series of rolling hills. Not like, the story went up and down as it progressed but more like, the elements where the story was strong, it showed, and the elements where the story suffered, showed as well. I'll hit on the big point or two:
> The impact of the word limit bled through every word. The pacing was fine, and felt oddly natural, but you could really feel the struggle of conforming to the word limit. It feels like you took a short story, and shoved it into a minific. Like, you crammed it in, trying to fit a whole story in the confines of 750 words and the result is an average, bare-bones story. There's not a whole lot of explanation to things, events happen then the story suddenly progresses, the resolution was too easy, and some questions like what happened to the blue colt weren't answered.
It had all the elements of a story... and it was coherent, but you left me with only the neccesary. This story is like the bare necessities. You have everything a story needs, and actually managed to make this quite good for your constraints and what you tried to do, but due to those constraints it just... didn't truly become what it could be, you know?
My strong recommendation is for you to maybe write a scene. Sitting down, 750 words seems like a lot of room to fit everything you want into your story, but those words go by so fast and you have to cram to finish the story. Whereas with a scene, it's nice and simple. Scenes are typically pretty short anyways, and they just... work better with these kind of competitions. I hope I'm conveying this properly, I'm not sure.
It was alright, overall. As I mentioned, I imagine this would work a lot better if this was a short story instead of a minific, and hey maybe adapt it and upload it on FIMfiction or something. I'd read it. But as of it's current state, it's middle of the pack.
CPL makes a good point about how compressed this feels, especially the resolution. Plus, Shining’s reassurance only underscores the unpalatable absurdity of the central premise. Who in their right mind bullies the child of the nation’s ruler, who herself is essentially a physical demigod? One who is literally named after the time she almost froze everyone in the city-state to death by way of a temper tantrum? There’s jealousy and then there are latent suicidal tendencies.
Yeah, as much as I appreciate good character moments, especially ones for underutilized characters like Shining Armor, I couldn’t quite suspend my disbelief with this one.
Yeah, as much as I appreciate good character moments, especially ones for underutilized characters like Shining Armor, I couldn’t quite suspend my disbelief with this one.
Seriously, do FanOfMostEverything and I share the same slate? Whenever I come to review a story, he's already there. Discovered it, settled it, put the flag up, built a coffee shop.
All I can really do is echo the previous two reviews. This was fine, but not much happens, and the premise is a bit hard to handle. Who bullies a god?
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10
All I can really do is echo the previous two reviews. This was fine, but not much happens, and the premise is a bit hard to handle. Who bullies a god?
SCORE-O-METER: 7/10
>>GaPJaxie
FoME usually goes out of his way to review every story in each write-off before preliminaries end.
FoME usually goes out of his way to review every story in each write-off before preliminaries end.
Well… The first scene is all right I guess.
I'm of two minds w/r to the second one. I mean, I don't get your intention. Does SA purposefully skirt the issue? He doesn't really answer Flurry, he just dismisses the point as meaningless, something that will not help her daughter overcome the humiliation. If it's the case, it does not transpire clearly from the end.
But yeah, in any case, it's very unlikely Flurry goes to a normal school. Not with the powers she's endowed with from the get-go.
I'm of two minds w/r to the second one. I mean, I don't get your intention. Does SA purposefully skirt the issue? He doesn't really answer Flurry, he just dismisses the point as meaningless, something that will not help her daughter overcome the humiliation. If it's the case, it does not transpire clearly from the end.
But yeah, in any case, it's very unlikely Flurry goes to a normal school. Not with the powers she's endowed with from the get-go.
I didn't really feel any...arc, here, I guess? It's a vignette about bullying and I admit I wasn't quite sold on it - yes, kids are sensitive, but this..ah, I know!
It felt like seeing old-tier Diamond Tiara, and nopony does DT better than she does herself.
It felt like seeing old-tier Diamond Tiara, and nopony does DT better than she does herself.
Am I? — B+ — First impressions: Magic kindergarten with Flurry Heart (+) Older Flurry is sweet, the rest of the characters fair, Shining Armor makes a pretty good dad (-) but there’s not really an underlying thread here to pull on. The kids in kindergarten have a line or two before vanishing, and Flurry is just… there. It might have worked better to have Flurry/Shining at the beginning and the kid-scenes in her own voice, giving a Father/Daughter thread all the way through (but with two daughters of my own, I may be biased)
Alrighty you beautiful bastards. First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to not only read but review my story! It means a helluva lot to me to have readers go out of their way and give me nothing more than their thoughts on what I wrote! So most importantly, thanks! Y'all are awesome, and I appreciate the time you took to read and review.
Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.
You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.
Now onto answering comments!
>>FanOfMostEverything
FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!
Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.
You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.
Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!
Thanks!
>>GaPJaxie
7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.
Also.
Take it up with Hades.Please get my subtle Disney reference
>>Monokeras
Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.
If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!
>>Morning Sun
I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.
>>georg
I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better!And jinxed
Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D
Now... another tidbit... Yes! I did indeed review my own story! Why? Because I really, really hated it! And i was interested in seeing if other writers thought of it the same way I did, and posting a comment kind of just got all of my thoughts out their and formalized. I could have just compared with what I mentally acknowledged, but having it down and in physical form just felt better to me.
You all seemed to like this story a bit more than I did. I despised it. Wrote it at 4am in the morning, so not my best work. This was my first writeoff, and I just wanted to get something out there and have it be passable. I didn't need anything spectacular. I didn't need top ten or twenty; I needed an entry I wouldn't be super ashamed of submitting. And despite my disdain towards this story... I think it has potential. So I'm happy with that at least. And the writing wasn't terrible either. In comparison, sure. But there was worse too, I think.
Now onto answering comments!
>>FanOfMostEverything
FoME. You deserve a lot of praise for what you do. You take the time and effort to give feedback to every single entry, and I don't know many people who have the time or ability to do that. That's incredible, honestly. And I applaud you for doing what you did. It's... awesome! Like, I and I'm sure everyone else is grateful for you, because you put genuine time and effort into every entry which shows you care. So, thanks for caring!
Onto your--excellent, might I say--critique.
You piggybacked off of what I said with how compressed this story feels, and that was my biggest gripe with this story. When I started reading other entries... I realized... I messed up. Most people didn't write stories. They wrote scenes. I tried to pack this story into 750 words, and it just didn't work. I look to adapt this and rewrite it into a short story, but as it stands, it's squeezed as tight as Kevin James' belt.
Also. Bullying a demi-god? You know... I have no argument for that besides most bullies are stupid. And don't think about consequences. So... didn't cross their mind? Honestly, didn't think about the plausibility of the situation, but excellent point!
Thanks!
>>GaPJaxie
7/10? That's three points higher than I would have given it, haha.
Also.
Who bullies a god?
Take it up with Hades.
>>Monokeras
Shining Armor does not skirt the issue actually. He answers Flurry in what I thought was a pretty definitive way. I mean... her dropping all her doubt after a few motivational words that definitiely would have been expanded on if there wasn't a cursed word limit... is that tangible? No. Not at all. I mean... incompetent at some absurd hour in the morning I knew it wasn't realistic. I was just far too exhausted to go for gold. So. I went for a consolation prize, haha.
If what you're focusing on is did Shining Armor handle it in a piss poor way? Yes! He did! And it wouldn't of happened if I cut the first scene like gerog recommended, or if this was a short story, but eh... point is, Shining handled the situation badly, yeah, and it's all the author's fault. Yup!
>>Morning Sun
I can answer you on why you didn't feel an arc. Because an arc builds up. This "arc" didn't. I could credit this to constraints, but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't due to poor structuring to comply with the limit. Quite simply, the arc was never really completed fully. You get spurts, I guess, but nothing ever comes full circle. Not properly anyways.
>>georg
I actually toyed with the idea of Flurry being the voice of the kids and excluding the first scene altogether. Where that idea went is beyond me, but I sure wish it would have stayed a while. I feel like this story would have worked way better--or as best as it could--if I went with your suggestion and my iinital plan. But... I managed to screw it up. Eh. It was my first writeoff, so I can only get better!
Anyhow! Thanks to all of you! You've helped me fully enjoy my first writeoff despite how much I truly disliked my entry! Y'all are great. : D