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* Princess Not Included · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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"Stupid Tree."
As quietly as Twilight had spoken the two words, they still seemed to echo from the cave walls around her.

The tree sat motionless.

"That's right!" She took a step toward it. "I'm talking to you! And don't try to pretend that you're crystalline or deciduous or anything like that! The evidence shows quite clearly that you pay attention to the whole world, not just what's happening in your general vicinity but throughout Equestria and beyond!" She stomped a hoof, a few nearby pebbles clattering. "So pay attention to this! Because you're supposed to be the Tree of Harmony, and this is one pony who's not feeling particularly harmonious right now!"

She waited for the echoes to die away, but nothing on the tree so much as glittered.

"And you want to know why?" she went on regardless. "Go ahead! Ask me why!"

In the silence, her face started feeling warm. "Well, I'll tell you anyway! Stupid tree..."

Unfurling her wings, she flapped the rest of the way to the first of the tree's gnarled roots and lit her horn to better spot any reaction. "Because I just waved another two of my best friends good-bye as they headed out on one of your stupid friendship missions! And the Princess of Friendship? The pony who's dedicated her life to spreading friendship across Equestria? Where is she while that's all going on?" Twilight stomped again. "She's down in a stupid cave yelling at a stupid tree!"

It took longer for the echoes to fade this time, but the tree continued standing silent and still.

Except— A raspy sound began tickling her ears. She pricked them, but then had to let them fold, her face getting even warmer when she realized she was hearing her own panting. "And that's what it is, isn't it?" she couldn't keep from whispering. "It's me. The others have all gone off time and time again to show ponies and non-ponies alike the magic of friendship, but me?" Her head drooped. "I've gone, what, twice? I'm not...not good enough at it, am I?"

The thought made her teeth clench, and she snapped her head back up to glare at the tree. "So fine! I'm not good enough! But how am I supposed to get better if you don't let me practice? What I do isn't like raising the sun or the moon, isn't always the same thing every day! Friendships form in so many different ways, and the things that draw ponies together aren't—!"

The tree burst into colors and shapes, Twilight's voice choking off to see her mark at the top of the trunk and the marks of her friends out along the branches lighting up in a prismatic display that danced over the stone walls. Just as quickly, though, the branches began to flicker, their colors slowly dimming till they went dark, only the deep purple of her own mark remaining.

Twilight stared, her throat tightening further. "So...what? The others, the branches, they spread out, but then they fade? And me, since I'm the trunk, I have to...have to keep glowing...."

She looked away, swallowed, and turned for the cave entrance. "Stupid tree," she mumbled.
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#1 ·
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Ah, and here we have one of those stories that is so brief, but feels all the better for it. I really like your characterisation of Twilight here, and this highlights an issue that exists in the show, of how kind of weird and stilted the Cutie Map episodes seem. And I like how you work in Twilight's immortality (if I'm interpreting that right). It's kind of chilling, the thought that she's the Princess of Friendship and yet her purpose is to make those friends and... move on once they're gone, making new friends? Really, I think you could add a little more description of the scene, or be a tad more specific about which friends had gone where, but I like the relation to the prompt and your Twilight dialogue is great.
#2 ·
· · >>Bad Horse
A very interesting premise! Twilight as the battery that keeps her other friends going, so they go out while she remains. She stays, while they fade away and are in time replaced. Strong parallels to Celestia. I would love to see a longer version of this story.

Sadly, I just don't feel it works at its present length. This is a story concept that needs time to flesh itself out, and here, the sudden ending feels painfully abrupt.

SCORE-O-METER: 7.5/10
#3 ·
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Oh, my. Disagree with >>GaPJaxie. This doesn't need to be any longer. It could be longer, but it has a lot of punch in a few words. I'm reading it as the tree reminding Twilight that her friends will all soon die.

I don't think the title should be in quotes? Just a matter of taste.
#4 ·
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Genre: Well-written stealth immortality blues?

Thoughts: I daresay I was riveted right up until the end, at which point some combination of not being sure about the ending's meaning, and not being satisfied with the meanings it seemed to suggest, dragged hard on my appreciation for the story, leaving it somewhat worse for wear.

The quality of writing here is stellar. It's quite short, too, not even wasting the title, but using it as a way to jump right in.

I dunno. This feels very close to being a complete story, despite its veering away from clarity at the last minute. I want to ding it more for that, but I struggle to do so. Gaaaah.

Tier: Good Stuff*


*In horizon's ratings system, I believe this would be Strong or Solid, but I feel like this makes more sense as a waypoint between communicating that the story needs some non-trivial amount of work to really shine, and communicating that the story is outstanding in every way and deserves a medal. This story is indeed Good Stuff; perhaps it could be Great Stuff (or a Top Contender) if that last bit was clearer, but that doesn't hold it back from having significant merit.
#5 ·
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I really love Twilight's voicing, here. I'm probably going to end up re-reading this to steal learn from the little nuances that make this angry-Twi sound so pitch-perfect. Great work!

The one thing that I'm having a bit of an issue with is the end. In particular, the second-to-last paragraph feels pretty telly to me, and considering that you still had a couple of hundred words, I can't help but wonder if this information could have been presented in a more natural way. Don't get me wrong--you still got your point across, and it's a pretty powerful one, but I think it might benefit from a little more breathing room.
#6 · 2
· · >>ChappedPenguinLips
Hmm. I find myself in the minority with this one. It didn’t impress me as much as it did the other reviewers, but I find myself at a loss as to why. All the components are strong, including what might be seen as the Tree empathizing with Twilight’s feelings of frustration at being stuck in one place when there’s so much out there to do. And yet it left me underwhelmed for reason I can’t put my finger on. Maybe I want to see what Twilight does with this information.

Still, I can’t deny that it’s a competently composed story. It just didn’t wow me. I won’t hold that against it in my scoring, though.
#7 · 1
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>>FanOfMostEverything

I'm not the only one, eh?

Like FanofMostEverything, this one didn't really pop out to me. Don't get me wrong, the quality is all there, and I can see that this is a strong story, one of the better ones I think in terms of concept and execution. The only issue is it didn't work for me. That's no fault to the author, but I just didn't get as invested as it seems some of the other readers did.

Personally, I thought Twilight's characterization was not off... But not all the way on either. Most people are saying how natural this tantrum of her's is, which to an extent I agree. I totally see how Twilight could get upset and behave like this. I could totally see her being petty... But it just didn't feel super Twilight to me. Everyone's interpretation of a character is slightly different than another's, as I'm demonstrating right now. And with this version of Twilight... her antics felt a little absurd. Especially in the wording of the dialogue. She felt more like an upset child almost, especially with the last line essentially being "yeah, whatever." Perhaps it wouldn't irk me so much if I saw how Twilight took this information, because "stupid tree" makes me think she doesn't care. It's probably her refusing to acknowledge the realization, nevertheless I still get the "yeah, whatever" feel despite how much I believe it wasn't intended that way.

The ending kind of stumbled too. It lost its momentum as a story and the execution was muddled.

Apart from that, it was masterfully written. I really thought the writing--up until the end--was very good. Top-notch!

Also, I love the concept of the story and the message at the very end was endearing. It's one that can be told so many ways and yet people still want to show it in the same threadbare ways. But I applaud the author for using symbolism in such a refreshing way to show Twilight that she is the foundation. And it's heart-warming. Then I read GaPJaxie's comment drawing the parallel between Twilight and Celestia which made me push this Fic a little further up my list because of the philosophical value it offered. To clarify, it kept me thinking. I still am. I'm thinking of a cliche in a brand new light. So... Thanks. Marks for originality!

Overall despite me not getting super invested in this one, it really deserves a lot of credit for what it is, and I cannot deny its quality. Regardless of my personal preference. Well done, mate!
#8 · 1
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Not really doing more reviews, but I had to comment on this one because it's almost really good, IMHO. That second-last line, though, came across as just slightly too on-the-nose for me. I think, if you cut 'fade' and 'glowing', this would have been pitch-perfect. As it is, it's still an excellent example of how to pick an idea to scope, and it's very well executed; but the nearness makes that last line of dialogue clunk all the harder to my ear.

I realize people say 'subtlety is dangerous in the Writeoff', and they're not wrong. However, I think the opposite is also true; subtlety is rewarding in the Writeoff. If you can get it juuuuuust right. Which is the hard part, I know. This verges just on the side of too unsubtle for me, which is a shame.