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>>Posh I'd agree, except that this:
Is totally impossible. :P
Anyways, story thoughts:
Other people have already pointed out what are probably the two main flaws in this story: it's not clear enough initially who/what Celestia is reacting to, and the physicality of her emotions is more distracting than effective.
Instead of re-hashing those, I'm going to try and give my thoughts on why that's so, and perhaps how to change that.
Firstly, the Sunset/Twilight thing. I didn't realize that this was a story about leaving Sunset behind in favor of Twilight until I read the reviews, because when you do the flashbacky bits with Sunset running around and what, I thought that was Twilight. This is a problem of proximity, I think; because it's Student + Celestia without enough context, I'm going to default to Twilight, because that's the student that's closest to Celestia in my brainspace. Likely everyone else who missed that did the same.
There's enough information in here to counter that, barely, but not without reading more closely than I normally do while also being willing to throw out previous assumptions. The blue eyes and the hole in the tower are, I think, the only two things that explicitly challenge my assumption. Unfortunately, neither of them are presented very strongly; they're almost tacked on to other things, in the middle of the sections they're in.
What this sets up, I think, is the situation where if I jump to the obvious conclusion, I need to either break my 'flow' in the story and grab these pieces, or I ignore them and end up totally lost. Neither of those outcomes are really very good. One requires unnecessary re-framing (I don't think you were going for a surprise twist?) and the other completely misses the meaning.
How to fix? Well, it just needs to be really obvious, from the get-go, who's in the 'student' section. That'll cut the whole thing off at the root. Add something that's unequivocally Sunset Shimmery, such as a description of a red-gold mane, preferably at the beginning of a line so it's unavoidable. Because you're dealing with proximity, you need to be proactive, or people will jump to the wrong conclusion before you realize it.
Secondly, on Celestia's physicality.
I'd say that what's going on here is a dissociation between amount of emphasis and amount of meaning.
People often toss around the idea of show/tell. I've never really liked using those labels, because I think they're somewhat misleading. Everything in writing is telling; if such a thing as 'showing' exists, it has to work alongside telling somehow. They're not opposing, but complimentary.
Still, I think there's an important concept there. At a certain information density, we understand more from a sentence than any one word says. Meaning happens on a deeper level. The statement 'Celestia gritted her teeth' is simple enough, but its meaning can change from story to story, characterization to characterization. Uncertainty, determination, pain, rage, etc... all of that comes in at a deeper level than physical action, and attention should be paid to that.
I think what's going on here is a disassociation between the emphasis Celestia's physical reactions are given and the amount of meaning they convey. The more something is drawn to the reader's attention, the more weight it's mentally assigned. I think people are reading these descriptions with a certain expectation for how much they mean, but not feeling like they mean as much as they should.
For me, what she actually feels is sometimes unclear. For example, the 'heart abusing her ribs' thing. A fast-beating heart can signal many things, just like gritted teeth, but I don't know which emotion she's feeling... although I'd guess it's negative. Panic? Resentment? Uncertainty? Rage? Some mix? I'm not really sure. I don't have enough meaning to draw a strong conclusion, but I feel like I should be drawing one, because of how it's presented.
How to fix?
I'd say simply dialing it back is the simple solution. If it's not signaled as being as meaningful, people won't care if it doesn't mean as much. With more space, you could also fill in around it, increase the amount of context. Or, with careful word-choice, perhaps you could re-work your existing context to be stronger.
What I think is currently going unanswered, and what might tie everything together, is the question of why she's so upset. Is she afraid of being betrayed again? Will teaching Twilight distract her from pining after Sunset? Does she feel she's betraying Sunset by taking Twilight in? Has she realized that Twilight's cutie mark means her sister is returning, and that's going to be crazy and maybe catastrophic? Some mixture? Something else? I can't really tell.
If the audience understands what Celestia feels and why she feels that way, they'll empathize with her better. She's upset in a certain way over the idea of taking a new student after Sunset Shimmer? Well, maybe she's a soft-hearted teacher and someone to be pitied.
Wow, I spent longer on that then I intended. Hopefully this is useful or at least entertaining to someone.
Like a well-dressed salad that has a surplus of bacon bits.
Is totally impossible. :P
Anyways, story thoughts:
Other people have already pointed out what are probably the two main flaws in this story: it's not clear enough initially who/what Celestia is reacting to, and the physicality of her emotions is more distracting than effective.
Instead of re-hashing those, I'm going to try and give my thoughts on why that's so, and perhaps how to change that.
Firstly, the Sunset/Twilight thing. I didn't realize that this was a story about leaving Sunset behind in favor of Twilight until I read the reviews, because when you do the flashbacky bits with Sunset running around and what, I thought that was Twilight. This is a problem of proximity, I think; because it's Student + Celestia without enough context, I'm going to default to Twilight, because that's the student that's closest to Celestia in my brainspace. Likely everyone else who missed that did the same.
There's enough information in here to counter that, barely, but not without reading more closely than I normally do while also being willing to throw out previous assumptions. The blue eyes and the hole in the tower are, I think, the only two things that explicitly challenge my assumption. Unfortunately, neither of them are presented very strongly; they're almost tacked on to other things, in the middle of the sections they're in.
What this sets up, I think, is the situation where if I jump to the obvious conclusion, I need to either break my 'flow' in the story and grab these pieces, or I ignore them and end up totally lost. Neither of those outcomes are really very good. One requires unnecessary re-framing (I don't think you were going for a surprise twist?) and the other completely misses the meaning.
How to fix? Well, it just needs to be really obvious, from the get-go, who's in the 'student' section. That'll cut the whole thing off at the root. Add something that's unequivocally Sunset Shimmery, such as a description of a red-gold mane, preferably at the beginning of a line so it's unavoidable. Because you're dealing with proximity, you need to be proactive, or people will jump to the wrong conclusion before you realize it.
Secondly, on Celestia's physicality.
I'd say that what's going on here is a dissociation between amount of emphasis and amount of meaning.
People often toss around the idea of show/tell. I've never really liked using those labels, because I think they're somewhat misleading. Everything in writing is telling; if such a thing as 'showing' exists, it has to work alongside telling somehow. They're not opposing, but complimentary.
Still, I think there's an important concept there. At a certain information density, we understand more from a sentence than any one word says. Meaning happens on a deeper level. The statement 'Celestia gritted her teeth' is simple enough, but its meaning can change from story to story, characterization to characterization. Uncertainty, determination, pain, rage, etc... all of that comes in at a deeper level than physical action, and attention should be paid to that.
I think what's going on here is a disassociation between the emphasis Celestia's physical reactions are given and the amount of meaning they convey. The more something is drawn to the reader's attention, the more weight it's mentally assigned. I think people are reading these descriptions with a certain expectation for how much they mean, but not feeling like they mean as much as they should.
For me, what she actually feels is sometimes unclear. For example, the 'heart abusing her ribs' thing. A fast-beating heart can signal many things, just like gritted teeth, but I don't know which emotion she's feeling... although I'd guess it's negative. Panic? Resentment? Uncertainty? Rage? Some mix? I'm not really sure. I don't have enough meaning to draw a strong conclusion, but I feel like I should be drawing one, because of how it's presented.
How to fix?
I'd say simply dialing it back is the simple solution. If it's not signaled as being as meaningful, people won't care if it doesn't mean as much. With more space, you could also fill in around it, increase the amount of context. Or, with careful word-choice, perhaps you could re-work your existing context to be stronger.
What I think is currently going unanswered, and what might tie everything together, is the question of why she's so upset. Is she afraid of being betrayed again? Will teaching Twilight distract her from pining after Sunset? Does she feel she's betraying Sunset by taking Twilight in? Has she realized that Twilight's cutie mark means her sister is returning, and that's going to be crazy and maybe catastrophic? Some mixture? Something else? I can't really tell.
If the audience understands what Celestia feels and why she feels that way, they'll empathize with her better. She's upset in a certain way over the idea of taking a new student after Sunset Shimmer? Well, maybe she's a soft-hearted teacher and someone to be pitied.
Wow, I spent longer on that then I intended. Hopefully this is useful or at least entertaining to someone.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
Apparently lots of readers are seeing the same thing I did.
I think I understand this one; see my review.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Apparently lots of readers are seeing the same thing I did.
I think I understand this one; see my review.
>>Not_A_Hat
I did too, but when the flashbacks grew somber it was obviously not her—and as soon as she mentioned the hole, I knew it was the previous student, which almost certainly had to be Foo. All of that happens in the first half of the story, so I wasn't scratching my head for long.
(The book confirms it beyond any doubt, provided you've seen the second movie.)
...when you do the flashbacky bits with Foo running around and what, I thought that was Bar...
I did too, but when the flashbacks grew somber it was obviously not her—and as soon as she mentioned the hole, I knew it was the previous student, which almost certainly had to be Foo. All of that happens in the first half of the story, so I wasn't scratching my head for long.
(The book confirms it beyond any doubt, provided you've seen the second movie.)
>>Trick_Question You probably made that mistake because the prompts are shuffled randomly, so the top one doesn't get all the votes. Although...
I think it used to do this, now that you mention it. It probably stopped when Roger re-worked the ballots, because they now have a built-in shuffler and most people read off of them anyways.
Or at least maybe the Gallery could start with a random number and then proceed normally down and wrap around to 1.
I think it used to do this, now that you mention it. It probably stopped when Roger re-worked the ballots, because they now have a built-in shuffler and most people read off of them anyways.
>>Trick_Question Right, the pieces are there, and a closer reader than me can definitely pick them up midway through.
The point is that it's currently somewhat bait/switchy, which seems to detract from the story as-is, and undoing that is simply a matter of stronger emphasis sooner.
The point is that it's currently somewhat bait/switchy, which seems to detract from the story as-is, and undoing that is simply a matter of stronger emphasis sooner.
Chiaroscuro pushed open the shop door with his shoulder and stepped inside. It was dark and smokey, and the transition from sunlight left him momentarily blind.
Opening your story with a blatant visual arts pun? Oh deer. Don't get me wrong: it's exceptionally clever (and provides strong hints about who you are, author), but it doesn't quite fit the rest of the story. I'd probably choose a different name for the detective, something which un-subtles the ending for the average reader (read on).
Anyway. This is an excellent story with fantastic writing, but I think you're just a touch too subtle on the backstory.
I got it, though I had to reread the last third of the story just to be certain my interpretation was the intended one. I'm not trying to sound like a self-praising douche, but I suspect not all of your readers will be perceptive enough to figure out what's actually going on here. It's brilliant, and I'd expect something like this from an established master author who can expect to have their works overanalyzed; but it's just a hair too camouflaged for a general audience.
If there's any way you can add a little more clue here it would help. Changing the detective's name (even though I like it very much) is one simple possibility.
EDIT: I'd agree with the "is this a pony story" comments, but the names of the characters can at least provide some pone-ness to it.
ALSO EDIT: I don't care for the story title.
THIRD EDIT: Wait, what the buck does this story have to do with the prompt?! :pinkiegasp: Come clean, author—you didn't just plagiarize a noir story written many years ago and add unicorns, did you? :ajbemused: (No, I don't actually think that! But I don't see how the prompt could have generated this story, and I'm trying to not allow it to affect my ranking. It probably won't. Story is just too good.)
>>Not_A_Hat
I do that except when I know I'll have time to review them all.
So maybe it doesn't matter much in my case, but it does mean the later stories will need to wait much longer for commentary. That can have an effect on the voting if I see something another author didn't, or vice versa, but then again the stories are randomized to begin with so I might be overworried. :derpytongue2:
I do that except when I know I'll have time to review them all.
So maybe it doesn't matter much in my case, but it does mean the later stories will need to wait much longer for commentary. That can have an effect on the voting if I see something another author didn't, or vice versa, but then again the stories are randomized to begin with so I might be overworried. :derpytongue2:
>>Not_A_Hat
OH JOY LET'S DISCUSS THIS SINGLE BUCKING STORY FOREVER :V
I don't mind a bait/switch unless it confuses me or detracts from the story. I agree it's a little distracting here, and the author should do something to clarify when the story takes place sooner.
It could be as simple as opening with Celestia pondering that NMM is due to return in thirteen years, or something like that.
But it didn't bother me because I guess I didn't firmly decide that the foal was Twilight at the beginning. I was waiting for more data.
That said, and I might be repeating myself, but it's clearly at least a minor flaw if several readers are confused.
(Also, I was busy being distracted more than anything by the overwrought emotion. I still think that's the biggest flaw here, and in my read at least, the only major one.)
OH JOY LET'S DISCUSS THIS SINGLE BUCKING STORY FOREVER :V
I don't mind a bait/switch unless it confuses me or detracts from the story. I agree it's a little distracting here, and the author should do something to clarify when the story takes place sooner.
It could be as simple as opening with Celestia pondering that NMM is due to return in thirteen years, or something like that.
But it didn't bother me because I guess I didn't firmly decide that the foal was Twilight at the beginning. I was waiting for more data.
That said, and I might be repeating myself, but it's clearly at least a minor flaw if several readers are confused.
(Also, I was busy being distracted more than anything by the overwrought emotion. I still think that's the biggest flaw here, and in my read at least, the only major one.)
>>Trick_Question So, I'll give you three rationalizations for how the prompt could have produced this story, because stories being docked (or potentially docked) for 'promptness' has always kinda bugged me.
Please vote how you like, and please don't feel I intend to demean you; I hope these are friendly and interesting suggestions, not a condemnation of how you think or act.
1. This is the morning after somepony reported being cut by razors and the case was assigned to Chiaroscuro, prompting him to visit his father.
2. Chiaroscuro is the interplay between light and dark; if the young and foolish pony was 'dark' Chiaroscuro, the current one is the 'light' Chiaroscuro, after some sort of sun rose in his life - the metaphorical 'morning after' his chequered youth if you will.
3. Neither of them are over whatever happened in the past; this interaction is an extension of that. It shows their sorrow, and unwillingness to turn away from it; it's them 'mourning after' that relationship, though neither is willing to acknowledge it.
Any or all of these interpretations could be true, I think. Or something else entirely; I find this sort of thing ludicrously easy to do (which is also part of why I tend to distrust it, but that's a different discussion.)
Please vote how you like, and please don't feel I intend to demean you; I hope these are friendly and interesting suggestions, not a condemnation of how you think or act.
1. This is the morning after somepony reported being cut by razors and the case was assigned to Chiaroscuro, prompting him to visit his father.
2. Chiaroscuro is the interplay between light and dark; if the young and foolish pony was 'dark' Chiaroscuro, the current one is the 'light' Chiaroscuro, after some sort of sun rose in his life - the metaphorical 'morning after' his chequered youth if you will.
3. Neither of them are over whatever happened in the past; this interaction is an extension of that. It shows their sorrow, and unwillingness to turn away from it; it's them 'mourning after' that relationship, though neither is willing to acknowledge it.
Any or all of these interpretations could be true, I think. Or something else entirely; I find this sort of thing ludicrously easy to do (which is also part of why I tend to distrust it, but that's a different discussion.)
>>Trick_Question Fair enough! Maybe I am simply outside the audience for this; that's totally fine, too.
>>Trick_Question
And just to beat a sleeping pony about this, lemme give you an example.
The lowest-rated fic I've ever done for this competition was one I still like, but it had lots of loose ends and unexplained bits so yeah, it deserved to get shat upon (maybe I'll turn it into something actually worth reading someday).
That fic was clearly (as reviewers noticed) a Machine of Death fic. However, everything you would need to know about the Machine of Death collection was embedded in the fic, so while there may have been a little lack of originality in the idea, I didn't use the existence of the MoD collection to reduce the word count in my story. Being somepony who had read the MoD collection gave you no leg up on readers who didn't.
In this case, at bare minimum you need to describe what this Bureau is. If you did that, I wouldn't have a problem with it being based on another source. The problem is that it relies on knowledge of that source to cut word-count corners, and that renders it incomplete or confusing to part of your audience. Even if I knew TCB forwards and backwards, I'd consider that a flaw in a competition like this.
This is also a problem with Filthy Rich, President-Elect. Lots of readers here don't know enough about American politics to get half the references in that story. Even if I loved FRPE beyond words (I did enjoy it, but it's not the best story I've read so far), I probably wouldn't be able to top-rate it knowing that my ability to enjoy it depended upon inside jokes (so to speak).
Doesn't mean it's a bad story, though. I liked this story too, despite the lack of understanding.
Actually... even if I were writing a story for this genre which linked explicitly to the original, I'd provide a tiny amount of clue about (in this case) the Bureau. I'd like to think I could pick up a book in the middle of the Harry Potter, or the written form of That Show with Lots of Blood and Dragons and Vagina I Can't Remember Because I Had Brain Electrocution Recently and I Think the Author Was George R. R. Martin or Something, and actually be able to pick up on most of what's going on even without the backstory. I don't like it when basic information gets repeated over and over, but if you're clever you can do it in a subtle way that won't annoy readers who know the backstory and will allow those who don't to appreciate it without that knowledge.
Only exception to this: My Little Pony, because that's the entire competition theme.
And just to beat a sleeping pony about this, lemme give you an example.
The lowest-rated fic I've ever done for this competition was one I still like, but it had lots of loose ends and unexplained bits so yeah, it deserved to get shat upon (maybe I'll turn it into something actually worth reading someday).
That fic was clearly (as reviewers noticed) a Machine of Death fic. However, everything you would need to know about the Machine of Death collection was embedded in the fic, so while there may have been a little lack of originality in the idea, I didn't use the existence of the MoD collection to reduce the word count in my story. Being somepony who had read the MoD collection gave you no leg up on readers who didn't.
In this case, at bare minimum you need to describe what this Bureau is. If you did that, I wouldn't have a problem with it being based on another source. The problem is that it relies on knowledge of that source to cut word-count corners, and that renders it incomplete or confusing to part of your audience. Even if I knew TCB forwards and backwards, I'd consider that a flaw in a competition like this.
This is also a problem with Filthy Rich, President-Elect. Lots of readers here don't know enough about American politics to get half the references in that story. Even if I loved FRPE beyond words (I did enjoy it, but it's not the best story I've read so far), I probably wouldn't be able to top-rate it knowing that my ability to enjoy it depended upon inside jokes (so to speak).
Doesn't mean it's a bad story, though. I liked this story too, despite the lack of understanding.
Actually... even if I were writing a story for this genre which linked explicitly to the original, I'd provide a tiny amount of clue about (in this case) the Bureau. I'd like to think I could pick up a book in the middle of the Harry Potter, or the written form of That Show with Lots of Blood and Dragons and Vagina I Can't Remember Because I Had Brain Electrocution Recently and I Think the Author Was George R. R. Martin or Something, and actually be able to pick up on most of what's going on even without the backstory. I don't like it when basic information gets repeated over and over, but if you're clever you can do it in a subtle way that won't annoy readers who know the backstory and will allow those who don't to appreciate it without that knowledge.
Only exception to this: My Little Pony, because that's the entire competition theme.
>>Not_A_Hat
No, it's a flaw—it's not you. Several readers are feeling this confusion, and in a competition, that isn't the readers' fault. The subtlety on whichapone needs to be turned down a notch, and the subtlety on emotion needs to be jacked way up.
No, it's a flaw—it's not you. Several readers are feeling this confusion, and in a competition, that isn't the readers' fault. The subtlety on whichapone needs to be turned down a notch, and the subtlety on emotion needs to be jacked way up.
>>Not_A_Hat
For the record, I almost never dock for promptness, even if I can't possibly imagine how the prompt would have generated a particular story.
(Maybe never, entirely; can't recall.)
For the record, I almost never dock for promptness, even if I can't possibly imagine how the prompt would have generated a particular story.
(Maybe never, entirely; can't recall.)
>>Not_A_Hat
That said...
I think (2) is the only one that makes sense, even though it's highly abstract. Something very similar to that was my current best theory. It's a metaphorical "new day" for one of the characters, in a sense... although on the other hoof, it seems like there's a lot of contrast with the things that haven't changed.
I'm also not entirely sure (in the story) why the son would need to apologize to his father directly, because I don't see how a problem childhood would lead a parent to feel "personally wronged". It's fine, it just feels like "apologize" isn't the right word here. Maybe "make amends"...
Eh, I'm getting unnecessarily picky. Again.
That said...
I think (2) is the only one that makes sense, even though it's highly abstract. Something very similar to that was my current best theory. It's a metaphorical "new day" for one of the characters, in a sense... although on the other hoof, it seems like there's a lot of contrast with the things that haven't changed.
I'm also not entirely sure (in the story) why the son would need to apologize to his father directly, because I don't see how a problem childhood would lead a parent to feel "personally wronged". It's fine, it just feels like "apologize" isn't the right word here. Maybe "make amends"...
Eh, I'm getting unnecessarily picky. Again.
This is good, but it leaves something very important unanswered.
The Elements weren't ruined when they were used against Luna, and Celestia didn't regard them with this kind of emotion. It seems like Celestia is more concerned about the Elements than her sister, which leads me to suspect that your intent was that it wasn't the Elements that were destroyed, but the Mane 6 who ended up travelling back to the past.
There's at least one very famous fic about this happening, but even if I hadn't read the fic your descriptions are so emotional (and the reference to "graves") I have to believe that's the case.
If that's true, I'm not sure if this is the original defeat of NMM, or a third defeat later on.
Also, canonically speaking, I'm pretty sure The Castle of the Two Sisters was abandoned for Canterlot long before the Sisters fought there. This lends weight to the idea that this wasn't the original fight.
Either you need to be more explicit about what's going on, or you need to explain what all the emotion and references to death are about. If there's no hidden subtext here, I can't understand all the allusion—I mean it starts with the very first sentence. In spades.
EDIT: In case y'all still can't see it: one specific, particular one crashing to the ground, followed by five others? Hmmmm?
The Elements weren't ruined when they were used against Luna, and Celestia didn't regard them with this kind of emotion. It seems like Celestia is more concerned about the Elements than her sister, which leads me to suspect that your intent was that it wasn't the Elements that were destroyed, but the Mane 6 who ended up travelling back to the past.
There's at least one very famous fic about this happening, but even if I hadn't read the fic your descriptions are so emotional (and the reference to "graves") I have to believe that's the case.
If that's true, I'm not sure if this is the original defeat of NMM, or a third defeat later on.
Also, canonically speaking, I'm pretty sure The Castle of the Two Sisters was abandoned for Canterlot long before the Sisters fought there. This lends weight to the idea that this wasn't the original fight.
Either you need to be more explicit about what's going on, or you need to explain what all the emotion and references to death are about. If there's no hidden subtext here, I can't understand all the allusion—I mean it starts with the very first sentence. In spades.
EDIT: In case y'all still can't see it: one specific, particular one crashing to the ground, followed by five others? Hmmmm?
Yeah, after a second read, even though none of the other commenters seem to be seeing what I'm seeing, I cannot believe this is simply an after-NMM-original-defeat story. This must involve the Mane 6 dying or else the author managed to accidentally send dozens of clues to that effect.
Radio Writeoff
Isn't happening today.
Sorry.
Instead, we're doing
Gentle Writeoff Chat
(With possible story readings)
Because Quill has bubonic plague or something, I dunno, he can't talk much?
That's happening about ONE HOUR later then we'd previously planned, in an attempt to include Dubs Rewatcher (who has apparently escaped his bus.)
So join us at about 3:00 in the afternoon central time, which is about
one hour and fourty minutes
from now, if you'd like to talk with us and maybe listen to us read some stories?
Isn't happening today.
Sorry.
Instead, we're doing
Gentle Writeoff Chat
(With possible story readings)
Because Quill has bubonic plague or something, I dunno, he can't talk much?
That's happening about ONE HOUR later then we'd previously planned, in an attempt to include Dubs Rewatcher (who has apparently escaped his bus.)
So join us at about 3:00 in the afternoon central time, which is about
one hour and fourty minutes
from now, if you'd like to talk with us and maybe listen to us read some stories?
I must – alas – more or less agree with what has been said before. The conflict here is too easily solved. Of course we all know Pinkie is a depressive who tries to forget her malaise by overacting and squandering away her life in countless parties. But, in her innermost self lurks Pinkamena, always ready to spring to the fore.
In any case, your voicing here is wrong (imho): Pinkie being Pinkamena, she should speak like her. But it's Pinkie we hear speaking, so that causes a dissonance.
And besides, yes, the finale change in her mindset is much too easily triggered. I would've expect at least AJ and RD stroming in unexpected with some sort of present. As such, i agree with FoME: it sounds hollow.
In any case, your voicing here is wrong (imho): Pinkie being Pinkamena, she should speak like her. But it's Pinkie we hear speaking, so that causes a dissonance.
And besides, yes, the finale change in her mindset is much too easily triggered. I would've expect at least AJ and RD stroming in unexpected with some sort of present. As such, i agree with FoME: it sounds hollow.
I think you're coming on a bit too hard and fast with the grief here; not that it's irreconcilable to Celestia's character, but that you need to introduce it a bit more slowly so the audience doesn't have a knee-jerk 'this is wrong' reaction.
When I got to the 'allowed them to insult her grief' line, my thought was 'wow, what an ass', because although I can understand someone irrationally thinking that, anyone rational will realize that wallowing in emotion is a horrific reason for killing everyone and everything on the planet, and that desperate people are simply trying to survive, not intentionally insult anything at all.
I did get back into the flow of the story, and the ending worked for me, but that line significantly dissipated the amount of impact it had, I think, because it jerked me out of the flow so hard.
Just build up a bit slower, I think, and this would work much better for me.
When I got to the 'allowed them to insult her grief' line, my thought was 'wow, what an ass', because although I can understand someone irrationally thinking that, anyone rational will realize that wallowing in emotion is a horrific reason for killing everyone and everything on the planet, and that desperate people are simply trying to survive, not intentionally insult anything at all.
I did get back into the flow of the story, and the ending worked for me, but that line significantly dissipated the amount of impact it had, I think, because it jerked me out of the flow so hard.
Just build up a bit slower, I think, and this would work much better for me.
This is a story about Rainbow Dash. Or is it?
Violet is a partial catalyst for what Rainbow Dash is saying, and she's an excuse for Dash to say things out loud rather than have the author paint her thoughts for us (as well as a sort of reflection of Dash's youth, although I don't think the story makes good use of that potential, because Violet isn't a strong flier). That conversation aspect makes the scene easier to write.
But there's a problem here, and that problem is that Violet has nothing to do with this story.
Violet could have been a poster, or a cloud, or a doorstop. She doesn't have a large enough role to justify her participation in the story, because she's shy, and only reacts in small ways in response to Dash's actions. Rainbow Dash is the one who approaches her, and forces a conversation to begin. Even though Dash is supposed to be Violet's hero, Violet doesn't seem enthusiastic.
So, the story leaves me wondering things about Violet, who she is, and what will happen to her. I'm left wondering why Violet's smile is still forced, and what she's feeling, and what she's thinking, none of which the story tells me. She becomes a distraction, because she's not really a character here, she's a prop. The story is about Dash, but the open questions I'm left with are all about Violet.
I think you need Violet to take a more active role in this story. For example, if you had Dash sitting around somewhere isolated, and Violet spots her, then approaches her to eagerly start a conversation that Dash didn't initially want to have, and Dash starts to break down during the conversation—then she'd have a role in the story that makes sense, and her character would be straightforward enough that we wouldn't be left wondering what's up with her and does she even really matter. It'd be obvious she's a typical fangirl, and the spotlight would be on Dash where it belongs.
Alternately, make her a doorstop.
Violet is a partial catalyst for what Rainbow Dash is saying, and she's an excuse for Dash to say things out loud rather than have the author paint her thoughts for us (as well as a sort of reflection of Dash's youth, although I don't think the story makes good use of that potential, because Violet isn't a strong flier). That conversation aspect makes the scene easier to write.
But there's a problem here, and that problem is that Violet has nothing to do with this story.
Violet could have been a poster, or a cloud, or a doorstop. She doesn't have a large enough role to justify her participation in the story, because she's shy, and only reacts in small ways in response to Dash's actions. Rainbow Dash is the one who approaches her, and forces a conversation to begin. Even though Dash is supposed to be Violet's hero, Violet doesn't seem enthusiastic.
So, the story leaves me wondering things about Violet, who she is, and what will happen to her. I'm left wondering why Violet's smile is still forced, and what she's feeling, and what she's thinking, none of which the story tells me. She becomes a distraction, because she's not really a character here, she's a prop. The story is about Dash, but the open questions I'm left with are all about Violet.
I think you need Violet to take a more active role in this story. For example, if you had Dash sitting around somewhere isolated, and Violet spots her, then approaches her to eagerly start a conversation that Dash didn't initially want to have, and Dash starts to break down during the conversation—then she'd have a role in the story that makes sense, and her character would be straightforward enough that we wouldn't be left wondering what's up with her and does she even really matter. It'd be obvious she's a typical fangirl, and the spotlight would be on Dash where it belongs.
Alternately, make her a doorstop.
Out of all the comic entries I've read so far, this is the only one that managed to get a chuckle out of me. I'd like to see this stretched out into something bigger.
The descriptions are much gorier than necessary to convey the mood you're trying to set, and the first part of the story stretches on long enough that it seems super-horrific and OOC for both Celie and Chryssi's reaction to Thorax. This made it very difficult for me to read the story, even though it's really short. I don't think the level of gore adds anything: seeing your children die (without gory details) should be enough of a horror to send that message.
That said, I'm fine with the premise; but I can't imagine "submit to me or else I'll commit genocide on you and all your descendants" is ever a way Celestia would try to teach somepony about friendship. Has anypony on the show ever been reformed by deadly violence or threats...? Has that ever worked on anypony, anywhere? Frightening her into running away might make some sense, but that's as far as I can imagine this would work.
Even then, Chrysalis is probably the character on the show least likely to respond to threats with anything but more aggression. I like the general idea, but I don't think this specific strategy makes much sense.
EDIT: In retrospect, I think it makes some sense, because the story implies that this is one of a long series of experiences designed to wear Chrysalis down. I can see that having an effect if it's a constant barrage she can't escape from, so I withdraw most of my criticism there. :twilightsmile:
My last nitpick is minor, but relevant. It's indicated that this is taking place after Season 5, at the end. Chrysalis doesn't have any of her brood on her side at the moment. She wouldn't be thinking about taking over Equestria. She might be thinking of a way to win back her children, or of a way to seek revenge upon Starlight Glimmer or her friends. But how can she scheme to conquer Equestria when she's at her weakest? That seems to be putting the cart before the pony.
That said, I'm fine with the premise; but I can't imagine "submit to me or else I'll commit genocide on you and all your descendants" is ever a way Celestia would try to teach somepony about friendship. Has anypony on the show ever been reformed by deadly violence or threats...? Has that ever worked on anypony, anywhere? Frightening her into running away might make some sense, but that's as far as I can imagine this would work.
Even then, Chrysalis is probably the character on the show least likely to respond to threats with anything but more aggression. I like the general idea, but I don't think this specific strategy makes much sense.
EDIT: In retrospect, I think it makes some sense, because the story implies that this is one of a long series of experiences designed to wear Chrysalis down. I can see that having an effect if it's a constant barrage she can't escape from, so I withdraw most of my criticism there. :twilightsmile:
My last nitpick is minor, but relevant. It's indicated that this is taking place after Season 5, at the end. Chrysalis doesn't have any of her brood on her side at the moment. She wouldn't be thinking about taking over Equestria. She might be thinking of a way to win back her children, or of a way to seek revenge upon Starlight Glimmer or her friends. But how can she scheme to conquer Equestria when she's at her weakest? That seems to be putting the cart before the pony.
>>Trick_Question
Thanks for all this Trick.
As a matter of fact, I think I never ventured past season 4 in my settings.
The true reason why I intend to skip the pony rounds is that I happen to have dried up on ideas. The last ones I pulled out were obnoxious, so I don’t want to inflict that over and again to the readers.
Thanks for all this Trick.
As a matter of fact, I think I never ventured past season 4 in my settings.
The true reason why I intend to skip the pony rounds is that I happen to have dried up on ideas. The last ones I pulled out were obnoxious, so I don’t want to inflict that over and again to the readers.
"Yes! People! Beware, Chrysalis! Muahahahaha!"
(Okay; there. I did my part to fulfill the story's promises. On to the review.)
You're mixing verb tenses all over the place, so be sure to get a proofreader to help you with your English if you want to publish later. :twilightsmile:
I'm all for pink poni being awesome, but I think there's some mismatch between everything before she breaks the fourth wall, and the moment she does. Even though Pinkie is being silly, everything in the story is serious and believable until you get to that point. The shift was too abrupt for me. It felt almost like you were changing stories.
In general, it's very difficult to reference the contest itself in a way that will be pleasing to the readers. Recursive self-awareness in a story is a very high degree of difficulty, especially in a competition. Even something as simple as "writing about writing" is dangerous territory in a contest where we're all writing stories (see Happily Ever After* for a slightly more subtle example: I think even there the author is taking a pretty tangible risk, given their audience).
I don't think the conclusion is very strong. You need something more to say at the end than "Pinkie is silly and everypony just accepts it".
(Okay; there. I did my part to fulfill the story's promises. On to the review.)
You're mixing verb tenses all over the place, so be sure to get a proofreader to help you with your English if you want to publish later. :twilightsmile:
I'm all for pink poni being awesome, but I think there's some mismatch between everything before she breaks the fourth wall, and the moment she does. Even though Pinkie is being silly, everything in the story is serious and believable until you get to that point. The shift was too abrupt for me. It felt almost like you were changing stories.
In general, it's very difficult to reference the contest itself in a way that will be pleasing to the readers. Recursive self-awareness in a story is a very high degree of difficulty, especially in a competition. Even something as simple as "writing about writing" is dangerous territory in a contest where we're all writing stories (see Happily Ever After* for a slightly more subtle example: I think even there the author is taking a pretty tangible risk, given their audience).
I don't think the conclusion is very strong. You need something more to say at the end than "Pinkie is silly and everypony just accepts it".
Glim? Did Trixie call her that in the show?
Otherwise I echo the above comments about whiplash.
Otherwise I echo the above comments about whiplash.
I suppose the colt who played with blades is prolly the father himself. Could be the son, the coroner/inspector, but I wouldn't bet on it.
I agree with FoME here. The idea of the blades duct-taped on various objects to cause harm is fine and the police inquiry justified. However, you intermix that with a personal affair, and we don't get to see how both are related. We get there is a felony being investigated by an officer who's had a hard time with his father, but how the two strands twine together to form a string is not clear, nor probably even evoked here.
The idea is interesting, but it needs much more space to shine.
And I agree this piece is neither pony nor prompt related. As such, it could be Cassius’s.
I agree with FoME here. The idea of the blades duct-taped on various objects to cause harm is fine and the police inquiry justified. However, you intermix that with a personal affair, and we don't get to see how both are related. We get there is a felony being investigated by an officer who's had a hard time with his father, but how the two strands twine together to form a string is not clear, nor probably even evoked here.
The idea is interesting, but it needs much more space to shine.
And I agree this piece is neither pony nor prompt related. As such, it could be Cassius’s.
My most recent story on Fimfiction (which I decided to extend, so now it's only a first chapter) is about this topic, and I found your take on it here very interesting. I have two comments.
First, I was disappointed because at first I thought this was a changedling who wasn't awake during the transformation! That would have been an amazing approach, because then it wouldn't be about "slowly remembering 'oh right' stuff"; they genuinely wouldn't know, and would need to figure things out. The "slow memory" thing seems almost a little forced when it shows judgements flipping manually in the protagonist's mind. I don't think I'd need to re-remember everything I know and believe, even after a major and sudden change. Some of it should have settled (at least it feels that way to me).
Second, this method of storytelling isn't inherently bad, but it is telly. I think I might like it better with neutral descriptions of action like, "X raised their hoof", rather than keeping it all in the protagonist's headspace with, "I raised my hoof"; then intermingle that with some less-intrusive way of denoting thoughts, like using italic text on separate paragraphs. Interleaving protagonist-thought with neutral-description would give the audience a little more space to make their own value judgments about the situation, rather than having those imposed solely by the protagonist. (That would be much harder to write, however.)
First, I was disappointed because at first I thought this was a changedling who wasn't awake during the transformation! That would have been an amazing approach, because then it wouldn't be about "slowly remembering 'oh right' stuff"; they genuinely wouldn't know, and would need to figure things out. The "slow memory" thing seems almost a little forced when it shows judgements flipping manually in the protagonist's mind. I don't think I'd need to re-remember everything I know and believe, even after a major and sudden change. Some of it should have settled (at least it feels that way to me).
Second, this method of storytelling isn't inherently bad, but it is telly. I think I might like it better with neutral descriptions of action like, "X raised their hoof", rather than keeping it all in the protagonist's headspace with, "I raised my hoof"; then intermingle that with some less-intrusive way of denoting thoughts, like using italic text on separate paragraphs. Interleaving protagonist-thought with neutral-description would give the audience a little more space to make their own value judgments about the situation, rather than having those imposed solely by the protagonist. (That would be much harder to write, however.)
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Baal Bunny
Rabbit Gonads: "moose" is acceptable, but "sherbet" is most definitely required. :V
>>Baal Bunny
Rabbit Gonads: "moose" is acceptable, but "sherbet" is most definitely required. :V
>>Monokeras
You have a mental disorder. It's one that I share. I hope you seek treatment, because you deserve to be happy.
Your stories are not obnoxious or an affliction on your readers. I am an obnoxious reviewer (which I try to make peace with because I know my reviews often help ponies).
Even the story I put out my most scathing review on (the one with Gem in it) was a story whose premise I really enjoyed, and I derived pleasure from reading and reviewing and then thinking more about it (and then Baal Bunny came up with a great twist that would make sense of the story).
I might bitch like mad when I feel strongly about something, but I enjoy reading all of these fics, and I like reading what you have to write. It's fine not to write when you don't have ideas, sure. But you should never restrain your creativity because you think it "hurts" people to read your stories. That is... well, it's just completely fucking insane.
EDIT: We love you and appreciate your involvement here. I'm sure I don't speak just for myself when I say that.
The last ones I pulled out were obnoxious, so I don’t want to inflict that over and again to the readers.
You have a mental disorder. It's one that I share. I hope you seek treatment, because you deserve to be happy.
Your stories are not obnoxious or an affliction on your readers. I am an obnoxious reviewer (which I try to make peace with because I know my reviews often help ponies).
Even the story I put out my most scathing review on (the one with Gem in it) was a story whose premise I really enjoyed, and I derived pleasure from reading and reviewing and then thinking more about it (and then Baal Bunny came up with a great twist that would make sense of the story).
I might bitch like mad when I feel strongly about something, but I enjoy reading all of these fics, and I like reading what you have to write. It's fine not to write when you don't have ideas, sure. But you should never restrain your creativity because you think it "hurts" people to read your stories. That is... well, it's just completely fucking insane.
EDIT: We love you and appreciate your involvement here. I'm sure I don't speak just for myself when I say that.
Yeah, yeah, we in France had a president who sired a secret child. It was state secret until a magazine spilled the beans. Now that secret child (Mazarine Pingeot) has invaded almost every literature show… :P
Back to the story —
Like every other reader, I was jarred by the reference to the defeat of NMM and the sudden apparition of Luna.
The rest is more headcanon, but I don't believe Celestia could have begotten a child and kept that fact concealed. I don't reckon why the secrecy: no decent reason is given in the story and that seems to me unbelievable.
Also yes, the stallion we encounter is the father, as shown by the thread in Celestia’s thoughts. We don’t get to know why him and not another, either.
A door of massive gold? Have you any idea how much that should cost and weigh?
In all, if we disregard the few typos and holdovers from a previous version, it’s not badly written, but you've pushed the assumptions a bit too far for me to stay in your boat.
Back to the story —
Like every other reader, I was jarred by the reference to the defeat of NMM and the sudden apparition of Luna.
The rest is more headcanon, but I don't believe Celestia could have begotten a child and kept that fact concealed. I don't reckon why the secrecy: no decent reason is given in the story and that seems to me unbelievable.
Also yes, the stallion we encounter is the father, as shown by the thread in Celestia’s thoughts. We don’t get to know why him and not another, either.
A door of massive gold? Have you any idea how much that should cost and weigh?
In all, if we disregard the few typos and holdovers from a previous version, it’s not badly written, but you've pushed the assumptions a bit too far for me to stay in your boat.
>>Monokeras
I do see what you're getting at, and I hadn't noticed that before.
Still, I don't think that quite jives with the emotional responses in the story. The father expects the son will ask for forgiveness, and he speaks about playing with razors in a very negative way that demeans the pony who does such a thing. The son sweats when the father pegs that psychology.
I think if this were a foal-abuse scenario, the emotions expressed would be very different on both sides. That's just my interpretation, though.
I do see what you're getting at, and I hadn't noticed that before.
Still, I don't think that quite jives with the emotional responses in the story. The father expects the son will ask for forgiveness, and he speaks about playing with razors in a very negative way that demeans the pony who does such a thing. The son sweats when the father pegs that psychology.
I think if this were a foal-abuse scenario, the emotions expressed would be very different on both sides. That's just my interpretation, though.
Okay, review time.
This one reads really easily, but I honestly don't feel like there's very much to it. It's marketing itself as a comedy, but there's only one real joke, which is didn't really hit its mark for me. A big part of comedy is subverted expectations, but in this case, I came into the reveal without knowing what to expect at all, mostly because the way the whole "immortality blues" card was played made it pretty clear that this wasn't going to be the true reveal. In the end, So in the end, my gut reaction to the whole twist (and by extension, to the whole piece) was more of a "Oh, I guess that's what happened..." My suggestion would be to make it longer and give yourself time to pepper the build-up to the reveal with plenty of jokes that raise the tension. That way, you'll actually have a conflict to deflate with the reveal--as it is right now, it's kinda like an Olympic springboard diver jumping into a kiddy pool from a stepladder.
This one reads really easily, but I honestly don't feel like there's very much to it. It's marketing itself as a comedy, but there's only one real joke, which is didn't really hit its mark for me. A big part of comedy is subverted expectations, but in this case, I came into the reveal without knowing what to expect at all, mostly because the way the whole "immortality blues" card was played made it pretty clear that this wasn't going to be the true reveal. In the end, So in the end, my gut reaction to the whole twist (and by extension, to the whole piece) was more of a "Oh, I guess that's what happened..." My suggestion would be to make it longer and give yourself time to pepper the build-up to the reveal with plenty of jokes that raise the tension. That way, you'll actually have a conflict to deflate with the reveal--as it is right now, it's kinda like an Olympic springboard diver jumping into a kiddy pool from a stepladder.
Interesting premise; as soon as Discord showed up you really grabbed my attention, despite my mild dislike of the EG universe. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to reiterate what many other reviewers are saying in that you didn't really go anywhere with the idea. I'm trying to parse out the conflict from this, and it seems to be situated around the Sirens' choice to follow Discord or not. But honestly, there are no clear stakes either way. If they don't follow him, they'll probably lead a vaguely difficult and restless life. And if they do follow him, they'll get some sort of vague help. Whatever they choose, there isn't enough information for the reader to make sense of the situation or get a meaningful idea of the consequences of their choice.As a result, we really want to know what happens next in order to contextualize this event, but the story simply ends. I'd strongly suggest giving your reader more to chew on, whether that would be a continuation, or some more clarification regarding Discord's intentions.
This is a good story, and I love the message, but it is telly. Granted, I do like the few showy bits where we see Rarity and her actions—those are the best parts.
It's easier to write a story by telling us a character's thoughts rather than by showing us (or interspersing show with tell), but it isn't nearly as impactful.
You write well. Now it's time for you to increase the degree of difficulty in your approach to writing. :rainbowdetermined:
It's easier to write a story by telling us a character's thoughts rather than by showing us (or interspersing show with tell), but it isn't nearly as impactful.
You write well. Now it's time for you to increase the degree of difficulty in your approach to writing. :rainbowdetermined:
Okay! This one. Right. Time to repeat what I just said, but more directly.
I have one issue: SG&T's actions seem pretty rapey. On one hoof: no, they didn't do anything more than cuddle Twilight for maybe a few minutes. On the other hoof: they made her think she did unmentionable things when she wasn't able to consent. For me, this is just barely crossing the border into Creep County... but it does cross it.
I think there's an easy fix: have SG&T inform Twilight that they didn't do anything other than cuddle, and calm Twilight down just a little bit before she flees. I suspect this would have been in the story already, if you'd had more horse words to work with.
The bottom line: even in a comedy, unless it's totally random (which this def is not), you have an obligation to have characters behave within reasonable bounds or your readers will get squicked. This is what happened to me with the Gem story, for example—I couldn't handle seeing Rarity psychologically abuse her son like that, and Spike sit there and watch it happen. If you go there in a mostly-realistic story, it's not going to leave most of your readers laughing.
All of that said, I enjoyed this story, and I laughed. That one fix would be enough to make me happy. I do think that >>FanOfMostEverything may have a point about Luna being a distraction, but the story didn't seem to be about Luna so it didn't feel like a loose end in my read.
I suspect some ponies might dislike the story because there are polyamorous vibes in it. I'm probably not the pony you should ask about normative sexual behaviors, though.
I have one issue: SG&T's actions seem pretty rapey. On one hoof: no, they didn't do anything more than cuddle Twilight for maybe a few minutes. On the other hoof: they made her think she did unmentionable things when she wasn't able to consent. For me, this is just barely crossing the border into Creep County... but it does cross it.
I think there's an easy fix: have SG&T inform Twilight that they didn't do anything other than cuddle, and calm Twilight down just a little bit before she flees. I suspect this would have been in the story already, if you'd had more horse words to work with.
The bottom line: even in a comedy, unless it's totally random (which this def is not), you have an obligation to have characters behave within reasonable bounds or your readers will get squicked. This is what happened to me with the Gem story, for example—I couldn't handle seeing Rarity psychologically abuse her son like that, and Spike sit there and watch it happen. If you go there in a mostly-realistic story, it's not going to leave most of your readers laughing.
All of that said, I enjoyed this story, and I laughed. That one fix would be enough to make me happy. I do think that >>FanOfMostEverything may have a point about Luna being a distraction, but the story didn't seem to be about Luna so it didn't feel like a loose end in my read.
I suspect some ponies might dislike the story because there are polyamorous vibes in it. I'm probably not the pony you should ask about normative sexual behaviors, though.
I like the parallels between the universe you're implying here and the canon universe. Nightmare Moon broke free; Rainbow Dash and her friends pursued her to the castle; an offer of power and glory was made to Rainbow Dash in exchange for her betraying her friends. Alternate universe/timeline stories are rife with the opportunity to play with the reader's expectations, to establish parallels like that while at the same time weaving in a subtle wrongness to things. The basic outline of the way things are supposed to be is there, but that outline has been reinterpreted by the way things played out in this new reality.
That's what I was hoping for when I caught on to what was happening, but instead of "subtle wrongness," it was mostly just "confusing wrongness." I agree with my esteemed colleagues about clarifying exactly what the hell is happening. But I also suggest that you think about the parallels you're playing with between Evil!Dashie's reality and the reality established in Mare In The Moon.
Also, nitpick, but when you address someone by their rank, you capitalize it. So it'd be "Captain Dash."
That's what I was hoping for when I caught on to what was happening, but instead of "subtle wrongness," it was mostly just "confusing wrongness." I agree with my esteemed colleagues about clarifying exactly what the hell is happening. But I also suggest that you think about the parallels you're playing with between Evil!Dashie's reality and the reality established in Mare In The Moon.
Also, nitpick, but when you address someone by their rank, you capitalize it. So it'd be "Captain Dash."
It had become a welcome routine. Over the past few months since she'd moved in, Cranky would wake up every morning, kiss her on the cheek, and slip out of bed to start his day. Not with breakfast or coffee—he would wait the necessary hour or two for her to get up so that he could share the moment with her. His day began with writing, as it always did.
Bull, bull, bull. Lies. Plot holes. Nonsense and scat, a whirlwind of scatological nonsense. How can he write without coffee? Immersion broken, 0/10, bottom of the slate, worst story ever, sell your computer and move to Scotland and become a goat herder you bad bad writer you.
Okay, but if you can get past that glaring misstep (and it took me a while, a good deal of therapy, and a sudden spiral into alcoholism and self-destruction), this is a very sweet slice of life. But if it please the court, I don't think that Cranky's burgeoning career as a writer is over because he finds he doesn't have the words to finish his novel. His depression and angst over Matilda were fueling his creative drive when it came to that particular story, or at least, that's my interpretation. Now he's emerged from that into marital bliss. So... maybe he tries to tell some other story that's fueled by that.
Dude's on a first-name basis with Pinkie Pie; don't tell me he can't find inspiration in some other facet of his life. Shoot, maybe he goes on to pen Pinkamina's Wake in this canon.
I'll echo the common criticism moved by my illustrious predecessors here. The change was too fast. While there is no way around it if you want to have any kind of resolution, it hurts the story a bit.
Aside from that this was touching and sweet. The theme is important, and you treated it with proper care in the available space.
Will land pretty highly on my slate.
Aside from that this was touching and sweet. The theme is important, and you treated it with proper care in the available space.
Will land pretty highly on my slate.
Genre: Sorta comedic slice-of-cheer-up
Thoughts: Most of what I would say has been said already, but I'll call out a couple of things: The white unicorn joke IMO misfires because whiteness doesn't carry the same connotations in Equestria. Also, the way that Pinkie talks about herself having two selves seems a lot more in line with specific fandom interpretations of Pinkie than we see in the show; it feels weird to me that Pinkie would refer to herself as being two essentially different personas rather than talking about how things are affecting her single unified sense of her feelings and behavior. I think a case could be made for there being two personas, but this currently sidesteps doing that. It's also hard for me to visualize RD and AJ going off on her like this.
Still, I think this has potential. A lot of the basic pieces are there.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Most of what I would say has been said already, but I'll call out a couple of things: The white unicorn joke IMO misfires because whiteness doesn't carry the same connotations in Equestria. Also, the way that Pinkie talks about herself having two selves seems a lot more in line with specific fandom interpretations of Pinkie than we see in the show; it feels weird to me that Pinkie would refer to herself as being two essentially different personas rather than talking about how things are affecting her single unified sense of her feelings and behavior. I think a case could be made for there being two personas, but this currently sidesteps doing that. It's also hard for me to visualize RD and AJ going off on her like this.
Still, I think this has potential. A lot of the basic pieces are there.
Tier: Needs Work
Why Minuette and not, say, Pinkie Pie? I guess that would be the obvious choice, and this story's about subverting expectations and all that other TVTropes nonsense. Minuette is established in Amending Fences as the Ersatz UniPinkie, and fanon does have her and Berry Punch as lovers friends, so if anyone's going to have a sugar addiction, it makes sense for it to be her. More than, say, Bon Bon. Or Tirek!
The fact that Minuette is established as living in Canterlot, and not Ponyville, doesn't bother me so much, since she (and every other background pony, for that matter) seems to pop up whenever and wherever the animators need to fill out crowd scenes. Seriously, I think the cast of Mad Men shows up in at least three different locales despite Sterling-Hoofer (or whatever) operating out of Manehattan.
I laughed a lot (out loud, as the kids say), and the logical quibbles didn't quibble with me as much as they might have, so I'm going to give this a mark of approval.
also I like corduroy
The fact that Minuette is established as living in Canterlot, and not Ponyville, doesn't bother me so much, since she (and every other background pony, for that matter) seems to pop up whenever and wherever the animators need to fill out crowd scenes. Seriously, I think the cast of Mad Men shows up in at least three different locales despite Sterling-Hoofer (or whatever) operating out of Manehattan.
I laughed a lot (out loud, as the kids say), and the logical quibbles didn't quibble with me as much as they might have, so I'm going to give this a mark of approval.
Funny, and meta, but more meta than funny. And kind of pointless. The joke wore off on me pretty quickly. The writing didn't drag, and I think that's the best thing this story has going for it; simply put, it's well-written not poorly written. But it's not really a story. Just a big lump of meta that Thorax happens to be a witness to.
Read the title and couldn't get Rick Astley out of my head, so thanks for that.
Parallel "what if" stories are always fun. I like the enhanced nighttime that comes with Luna/Nightmare Moon's return and I think it's something we don't see enough of, canonically or otherwise. It's oddly kind, yet fitting I think, for Nightmare to relieve Dash's feelings of betrayal. Can't have officers doubting their place in things, after all. A few missing capitals and a missing end-quote ("I will dispel your doubts.) but nothing that kills the mood.
There's the hint of a greater lesson in here about loyalty sometimes meaning taking a hit for the team (joining the Dark Side to keep her friends alive in this case), but digging it out seems like a task for another tale.
Parallel "what if" stories are always fun. I like the enhanced nighttime that comes with Luna/Nightmare Moon's return and I think it's something we don't see enough of, canonically or otherwise. It's oddly kind, yet fitting I think, for Nightmare to relieve Dash's feelings of betrayal. Can't have officers doubting their place in things, after all. A few missing capitals and a missing end-quote ("I will dispel your doubts.) but nothing that kills the mood.
There's the hint of a greater lesson in here about loyalty sometimes meaning taking a hit for the team (joining the Dark Side to keep her friends alive in this case), but digging it out seems like a task for another tale.
Well, basically what the others said. Seems like a set up to flaunt your cryptographic knowledge.
In a full-fledged version, you could elaborate around the document, like Poe’s Gold Bug or Verne’s Voyage to the Centre of the Earth. That would make sense. But here, it stands like a major roadblock in the reader’s way.
Caesar shifts. Vigenère cyphers.There’s really no chance at all they would be called that way in Equestria. I appreciate the ”è”, though :P
In a full-fledged version, you could elaborate around the document, like Poe’s Gold Bug or Verne’s Voyage to the Centre of the Earth. That would make sense. But here, it stands like a major roadblock in the reader’s way.
Genre; Something I can empathize with early in the morning due to staying with relatives and having someone's EXTREMELY LOUD alarm go off every 10 minutes.
Definitely getting a hotel tonight. D:
Thoughts: As others have noted, this leans hard on headcanon about Celestia that seems like a stretch based on what we've seen in the show. Now that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad or unworthy interpretation of her character, but I think it would take some more persuading to get me on board with this, and therein lies the rub: the main thing done within the word count is to present that headcanon, and not very much is done to persuade me of it. In the absence of that, a good portion of the emotional impact this story could make has been blunted. Which is a shame, because it's otherwise well-presented.
Tier: Almost There
Definitely getting a hotel tonight. D:
Thoughts: As others have noted, this leans hard on headcanon about Celestia that seems like a stretch based on what we've seen in the show. Now that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad or unworthy interpretation of her character, but I think it would take some more persuading to get me on board with this, and therein lies the rub: the main thing done within the word count is to present that headcanon, and not very much is done to persuade me of it. In the absence of that, a good portion of the emotional impact this story could make has been blunted. Which is a shame, because it's otherwise well-presented.
Tier: Almost There
>>Rao
How can you not have watched the finale yet??!? It's seriously epic. I was feeling really iffy about it from the description I found on EqD, but when I watched it... Ohhhh so many awesome moments. Plus MASSIVE headcanon/fanon destruction. But a real pleasure to watch. Definite check it out ASAP!
How can you not have watched the finale yet??!? It's seriously epic. I was feeling really iffy about it from the description I found on EqD, but when I watched it... Ohhhh so many awesome moments. Plus MASSIVE headcanon/fanon destruction. But a real pleasure to watch. Definite check it out ASAP!
Before I get started:
Neigh, 'tis throes, good sir, madam, or what have you!
Genre: Slice of life
Thoughts: There's lots of potential in the setup here. This is also a complete story, which always earns goodwill from me in a minific round.
I regret to say that there are some nitpicky things that make it hard for me to fully get into this. The first thing is the quantity of alcohol in question here; it's implausible that that would do much of anything to the girls, much less get them totally hung over. There's also the question of Apple Bloom knowing about hard cider... it seems reasonable that she might, and if she doesn't, that's worth drawing big attention to. Then there's Rarity seeming stern with Sweetie, and Applejack not seeming nearly penitent enough... IMO this would work much better if more of those things were tightened up.
But the thing is, none of that is too hard to fix. Once fixed, I think this will be strong indeed.
Tier: Almost There
throws
Neigh, 'tis throes, good sir, madam, or what have you!
Genre: Slice of life
Thoughts: There's lots of potential in the setup here. This is also a complete story, which always earns goodwill from me in a minific round.
I regret to say that there are some nitpicky things that make it hard for me to fully get into this. The first thing is the quantity of alcohol in question here; it's implausible that that would do much of anything to the girls, much less get them totally hung over. There's also the question of Apple Bloom knowing about hard cider... it seems reasonable that she might, and if she doesn't, that's worth drawing big attention to. Then there's Rarity seeming stern with Sweetie, and Applejack not seeming nearly penitent enough... IMO this would work much better if more of those things were tightened up.
But the thing is, none of that is too hard to fix. Once fixed, I think this will be strong indeed.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Friendship letter, give or take
Thoughts: I agree with some of the other thoughts about tightening up the text here and making it more letter-like. I thought it worked pretty well regardless, though. My biggest quibble is that the end seems overly emphatic and I don't understand why that should make sense. Without that, or with a slightly tweaked ending, it would stand pretty well.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I agree with some of the other thoughts about tightening up the text here and making it more letter-like. I thought it worked pretty well regardless, though. My biggest quibble is that the end seems overly emphatic and I don't understand why that should make sense. Without that, or with a slightly tweaked ending, it would stand pretty well.
Tier: Almost There
...Sorry, but this doesn't really do it for me. The point of a Feghoot (as I understand it) is to set up a complicated situation and then reveal that all of it was building up to one pun. But unless I'm missing something, there's only one pun here ("coo" vs. "coup"), and so nearly all of the craziness in the story ("Applesgiving", "pardoning turkeys") ends up unaccounted for.
Besides, the final line doesn't even feel like a Feghoot ending (that AHA! punchline which ties the entire story together); it reads more like a throwaway weak gag about Fluttershy mishearing Twilight's last question.
Besides, the final line doesn't even feel like a Feghoot ending (that AHA! punchline which ties the entire story together); it reads more like a throwaway weak gag about Fluttershy mishearing Twilight's last question.
I don't really understand who's the narrator here. Was it hinted at somehow?
Some of the writing is very nice. However, the language of both participants of the dialogue occasionally veers into the gratingly stilted and artificial. "A father's claim I lay upon you, then, your duty plainly obvious!" Nobody talks like that, even philosophers in debate.
Also, this sentence is rather incomprehensible:
"Keep contained" what? What's "nature space?" Why would the princess be "kicked sideways" (as opposed to being kicked in any other direction)? Why'd she once commanded the mysterious narrator to repeatedly kick her this way?
Some of the writing is very nice. However, the language of both participants of the dialogue occasionally veers into the gratingly stilted and artificial. "A father's claim I lay upon you, then, your duty plainly obvious!" Nobody talks like that, even philosophers in debate.
Also, this sentence is rather incomprehensible:
I keep contained, will not allow my former nature space to kick the princess sideways in her dreams the way I did at her command in nightly cavalcade for days and weeks and months.
"Keep contained" what? What's "nature space?" Why would the princess be "kicked sideways" (as opposed to being kicked in any other direction)? Why'd she once commanded the mysterious narrator to repeatedly kick her this way?
My students at Ponyville Elementary (this prompted an eyeroll from Human-Cherilee) have somehow managed to become pen pals with some students from your school.
This, right there, looked VERY promising! I'd gladly read a story about the human CMC and pony CMC communicating with each other (and possibly giving each other very bad ideas?) I was rather disappointed when it turned out it was just to set-up a different premise entirely -- that of Cherilee teaching Cherilee to teach -- which feels much less interesting in my opinion.
Other people have interpreted this as comedy, or satire on the awful new castle, but I don't really feel this way; I feel there's a deeper theme in this story. I didn't really enjoy it on the first reading but it's grown on me after the second or third time.
I really like this part; it truly makes you feel for Spike (and to a lesser degree, Twilight) being distressed and upset by the forced move to a new, unfamiliar place, after abruptly leaving a home they've grown to love and identify with. It's the strongest thing about this story.
If you wish to expand and publish it, Author, perhaps try focusing on this particular theme -- you're likely to find a lot of readers who remember their own moving home, and are all too familiar with the feeling.
"I don't know! I got up to use the bathroom and I couldn't find it!" [...] "I've been wandering the halls since at least two in the morning," replied Spike, "I'm scared, hungry and I want to go home!"
"This is home," called out Twilight as she trotted down the hallway.
I really like this part; it truly makes you feel for Spike (and to a lesser degree, Twilight) being distressed and upset by the forced move to a new, unfamiliar place, after abruptly leaving a home they've grown to love and identify with. It's the strongest thing about this story.
If you wish to expand and publish it, Author, perhaps try focusing on this particular theme -- you're likely to find a lot of readers who remember their own moving home, and are all too familiar with the feeling.
I liked this as a short scene. It felt like the beginning of or ending of something though.
>>Trick_Question
So, Sherbert Fairy Moose?
>>Trick_Question
So, Sherbert Fairy Moose?
>>Kitcat36
I'm behind on a lot of viewing lately. Last episode I watched was The Times They Are a Changeling." But! The next 10 are in queue as soon as I sleep off this carb nuke I ingested today. Might be an hour nap, might be twelve. New thyroid meds + heavy meal = mystery time!
I'm behind on a lot of viewing lately. Last episode I watched was The Times They Are a Changeling." But! The next 10 are in queue as soon as I sleep off this carb nuke I ingested today. Might be an hour nap, might be twelve. New thyroid meds + heavy meal = mystery time!
I didn't actually realize Gerald and Gherard were different names until the plunging dagger line (i.e., the end). I sense you were trying to go for name similarity, but it hindered my reading experience; I had to go back and read through again once I realized Gerald and Gherard were two different characters.
There's a rule of thumb in fiction: when naming characters, don't use the same first letter for two characters' names. It's not a strict rule, or a rule at all, really, but it's a reminder to make characters' names distinguishable and help avoid confusion.
Now, that said, I realize you were probably aiming for the canon Griffin naming convention (all Griffon names start with G in the show). However, if you're going this route, having both that and name similarity makes the names too similar. I'd think something like Gerald and Harold would work better. If the name similarity was accidental though, pick Gerald and Gavin or something.
I'll talk about more than just the names themselves, I promise. It's just something that really confused me the first time reading through.
I'm not sure what the name similarity is supposed to mean in the first place? It's drawing a parallel between the two Griffons, but I'm not sure what sort of parallel that is. All I'm really picking up is that Crystal is afraid of Gerald, Gerald treated her like a slave, Gherard killed Gerald (and fire was somehow involved) and she likes Gherard more. I really don't feel like I have enough context here.
I don't think it's a story-puzzle I'm not getting and I simply need to piece together; there's just not enough pieces, I think. By itself, this story doesn't amount to all that much. I never really know who the characters are, here. I kind of care about them, but not really. It's a decent story, but I think it suffers from the lack of context.
There's a rule of thumb in fiction: when naming characters, don't use the same first letter for two characters' names. It's not a strict rule, or a rule at all, really, but it's a reminder to make characters' names distinguishable and help avoid confusion.
Now, that said, I realize you were probably aiming for the canon Griffin naming convention (all Griffon names start with G in the show). However, if you're going this route, having both that and name similarity makes the names too similar. I'd think something like Gerald and Harold would work better. If the name similarity was accidental though, pick Gerald and Gavin or something.
I'll talk about more than just the names themselves, I promise. It's just something that really confused me the first time reading through.
I'm not sure what the name similarity is supposed to mean in the first place? It's drawing a parallel between the two Griffons, but I'm not sure what sort of parallel that is. All I'm really picking up is that Crystal is afraid of Gerald, Gerald treated her like a slave, Gherard killed Gerald (and fire was somehow involved) and she likes Gherard more. I really don't feel like I have enough context here.
I don't think it's a story-puzzle I'm not getting and I simply need to piece together; there's just not enough pieces, I think. By itself, this story doesn't amount to all that much. I never really know who the characters are, here. I kind of care about them, but not really. It's a decent story, but I think it suffers from the lack of context.
The title got me, love it.
Rainbow is definitely the type to pull the band-aid off in one quick ripping motion, isn't she?
I reread it to be sure, but there is quite a bit of ambiguity as to whether they are in trouble or not. Until we have AJ confess, it does seem like they went and did the deed on purpose. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but Rainbow's actions make it seem more like "tough but fair" punishment.
I liked it despite the confusion.
Verdict: Enjoyable.
Rainbow is definitely the type to pull the band-aid off in one quick ripping motion, isn't she?
I reread it to be sure, but there is quite a bit of ambiguity as to whether they are in trouble or not. Until we have AJ confess, it does seem like they went and did the deed on purpose. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but Rainbow's actions make it seem more like "tough but fair" punishment.
I liked it despite the confusion.
Verdict: Enjoyable.
This is a comedy based on a misunderstanding. The problem with misunderstanding-based comedy is that it's prone to feeling stilted.
Why does Twilight blame Princess Celestia in the beginning? I get PC gave her wings, but Twilight goes as far as writing a letter asking explicitly why PC would do this to her--in fact, it's implied she writes many letters [ashes drifting down to form another layer on an already large pile.]. It fits very well if we assume it's about the wings. It also needs to fit well with the wing cramping, but it doesn't. It's a stretch, but I'll assume Twilight was simply irritated and was acting irrationally and needed somepony to blame. I'll give this story the benefit of the doubt on that point and move on.
Why doesn't she simply tell Rarity what the problem is? This is a core problem with misunderstanding-based comedy; if it can be solved with one clarifying sentence, and the character has a chance (or several chances) to say it, the conflict is weak. Take the first scene with Rarity: Rarity says [I know this must be a tough time for you, but becoming an alicorn princess, it’s something you should be celebrating."], and since it's not Twilight's problem, it'd be natural for Twilight to say "No, it's not that. My wing's just cramping.". However, she gives a vague answer that could be intterpreted either way, but the problem is it doesn't sound like a natural response. In hindsight, it makes the conflict feel artificial from that point on.
How has her wing been numb "all morning"? Numbness only lasts a few minutes, typically. You fall asleep on your arm, and once you release the pressure on it, maybe it takes 5 minutes to get back to normal. However, the minimum amount of time passing here is enough for Twilight to write many letters, for Rarity to gather all their friends and talk about it together, and for them to run to Zecora's house. That seems like plenty of time for the feeling to return to her wing. If the numbness lasted longer than that, I feel that'd be a more serious issue. If someone proves me to be wrong, that a limb being numb for an hour is okay (or more, depending on how long "all morning" was), then this point isn't an issue.
Edit: I misread "cramping" for "numb". That was my mistake. I'm sorry. x.x
The reason I point all those things out is that all of it detracts from the punchline. At the end, I didn't go "Oh. That's what it was! Haha" but instead I went "Oh. That's... That doesn't seem right." And since the punchline is the very last thing, whether or not it hits really affects the reader's final impression of the story.
I also agree that the Trixie joke didn't land for me. Why Pinkie thought of Trixie specifically confuses me; Pinkie's not that random. Besides, random humour alone doesn't appeal to me.
That said, it was a good try. I hope the amount of my criticism above doesn't discourage you. It's just that misunderstanding-based comedies are hard to write because it's easy to create plot holes and hard to fix them. Misunderstandings tend to work better as quips or quick jokes than as the basis for an entire comedy.
Why does Twilight blame Princess Celestia in the beginning? I get PC gave her wings, but Twilight goes as far as writing a letter asking explicitly why PC would do this to her--in fact, it's implied she writes many letters [ashes drifting down to form another layer on an already large pile.]. It fits very well if we assume it's about the wings. It also needs to fit well with the wing cramping, but it doesn't. It's a stretch, but I'll assume Twilight was simply irritated and was acting irrationally and needed somepony to blame. I'll give this story the benefit of the doubt on that point and move on.
Why doesn't she simply tell Rarity what the problem is? This is a core problem with misunderstanding-based comedy; if it can be solved with one clarifying sentence, and the character has a chance (or several chances) to say it, the conflict is weak. Take the first scene with Rarity: Rarity says [I know this must be a tough time for you, but becoming an alicorn princess, it’s something you should be celebrating."], and since it's not Twilight's problem, it'd be natural for Twilight to say "No, it's not that. My wing's just cramping.". However, she gives a vague answer that could be intterpreted either way, but the problem is it doesn't sound like a natural response. In hindsight, it makes the conflict feel artificial from that point on.
Edit: I misread "cramping" for "numb". That was my mistake. I'm sorry. x.x
The reason I point all those things out is that all of it detracts from the punchline. At the end, I didn't go "Oh. That's what it was! Haha" but instead I went "Oh. That's... That doesn't seem right." And since the punchline is the very last thing, whether or not it hits really affects the reader's final impression of the story.
I also agree that the Trixie joke didn't land for me. Why Pinkie thought of Trixie specifically confuses me; Pinkie's not that random. Besides, random humour alone doesn't appeal to me.
That said, it was a good try. I hope the amount of my criticism above doesn't discourage you. It's just that misunderstanding-based comedies are hard to write because it's easy to create plot holes and hard to fix them. Misunderstandings tend to work better as quips or quick jokes than as the basis for an entire comedy.
>>Trick_Question
She holds no power at this point in her life! Also those wings are fake.
She holds no power at this point in her life! Also those wings are fake.
Luna is trapped in a Roguelike : The story.
I mean there's backstory here I am curious about. And fore-story. It's lots of intriguing maybe, and I, minx that I am, what answers.
I mean there's backstory here I am curious about. And fore-story. It's lots of intriguing maybe, and I, minx that I am, what answers.
The Great
Technical level in my slate is apparently pretty high this time around, and this is no exception. Just a very clean story.
While there are elements of YMMV, I do find the punchline pretty funny. Though I don't blame people for being uncomfortable with it.
The Rough
Last line should go. The previous line is a much stronger ending, and the use of "lover" says what you need it to say regarding the type of kiss.
I'm not quite sure I feel Trixie and Starlight's voice here. You get Twilight pretty well, but not so sure on the others.
I really, really hate "hay" for "hey." It's a weird pet peeve. >_>
Technical level in my slate is apparently pretty high this time around, and this is no exception. Just a very clean story.
While there are elements of YMMV, I do find the punchline pretty funny. Though I don't blame people for being uncomfortable with it.
The Rough
Last line should go. The previous line is a much stronger ending, and the use of "lover" says what you need it to say regarding the type of kiss.
I'm not quite sure I feel Trixie and Starlight's voice here. You get Twilight pretty well, but not so sure on the others.
I really, really hate "hay" for "hey." It's a weird pet peeve. >_>
The Great
Amusing take on the gag. I smirked.
The Rough
Some technical problems jumped out at me. Four period ellipses, what I'm pretty sure are semi-colon abuses, and the like. Definitely needs a cleaning pass.
Amusing take on the gag. I smirked.
The Rough
Some technical problems jumped out at me. Four period ellipses, what I'm pretty sure are semi-colon abuses, and the like. Definitely needs a cleaning pass.
The Great
Solid character work a decently level look at the situation.
The Rough
I do agree that this would've been better as a dialogue rather than naval gazing. Not that I don't love me some good naval gazing, I just think it stalls out a bit and doesn't quite manage to leverage it. Just something missing to really hit it home in this case: either a much more decisive closing or maybe just much stronger tension on the "what am I now" front.
Some small formatting and technical stuff. Nothing major. Probably shouldn't us -- if you're using em dashes already?
Solid character work a decently level look at the situation.
The Rough
I do agree that this would've been better as a dialogue rather than naval gazing. Not that I don't love me some good naval gazing, I just think it stalls out a bit and doesn't quite manage to leverage it. Just something missing to really hit it home in this case: either a much more decisive closing or maybe just much stronger tension on the "what am I now" front.
Some small formatting and technical stuff. Nothing major. Probably shouldn't us -- if you're using em dashes already?
The Great
Interesting concept.
The Rough
Definitely needs a technical pass.
The overall concept just doesn't quite gel, IMO. These sorts of stories are doable, but this one just raises too many questions since the time flow doesn't make sense, particularly given what we know of DIscord's history. It could probably be dealt with in a longer story but, as is, this is the length we have.
Interesting concept.
The Rough
Definitely needs a technical pass.
The overall concept just doesn't quite gel, IMO. These sorts of stories are doable, but this one just raises too many questions since the time flow doesn't make sense, particularly given what we know of DIscord's history. It could probably be dealt with in a longer story but, as is, this is the length we have.
Hmmm… Wasn’t really excited by this one. In fact, I have not much to say. It’s all right I think, but it just didn’t enthused me. Nothing in particular to point out both ways. Just left me meh. :/
This feels really confused.
There are some inconsistencies. Does Gem/Discord have a mane or a tail, as you suggest in your first lines?
And err… we’re left guessing how Gem/Discord has been able to develop his magical power.
In all, this sounds more like a draft. The premise is interesting, but what is given here simply doesn’t cut the mustard.
There are some inconsistencies. Does Gem/Discord have a mane or a tail, as you suggest in your first lines?
And err… we’re left guessing how Gem/Discord has been able to develop his magical power.
In all, this sounds more like a draft. The premise is interesting, but what is given here simply doesn’t cut the mustard.
There are some wonderful phrases and eloquent poetry on display here, however... it goes too far. All the fancy words turn the plot to mush in my head. I get nothing more than a vague sense of "hope vs. doubt" with no solid themes or take-away messages. The story is, in a way, like an overwrought dessert. Fancy and delicious, but too rich to enjoy for more than a single bite. The density becomes cloying, the prose, overly rich, with nothing to balance it out.
Like others, I find the concept interesting, but the rest a bit... lacking. Technical problems asides, I still feel the characters are "off." If this is an AU, with a different timeline from canon, then that needs to be made clear early on. Otherwise, Rarity seems far too "cold," Celestia is too formal, and "Discord" should be a giant red flag for anypony that hears it.
Hmmm, the cheese factor is pretty high in the beginning. That's somewhat excused by the fact that "it's just a dream" but... with that being the case, the punchiness really needs to be dialed up. I like the idea of Luna practicing psychological warfare via dreams as a way to discourage real violence, but... as a story, 90% of it is a bit of a hacky-feeling disaster scene. I'd suggest you concentrate more on the impact/feelings Chrysalis is experiencing internally, and less on the outward gore/violence/etc. We need to see it affect her, even if we know it's "only a dream" earlier on.
Another interesting premise that sadly doesn't really go anywhere in the length of the story given. This one in particular suffers from a lot of wasted wordcount. For example:
You literally have a character explaining that they should be explaining things instead of actually explaining things. Several more paragraphs worth of text are effectively pointless for similar reasons. In a long story, this matters less, but when word count is critical, the delayed explanation cliche moves from "merely annoying" and into "deadly sin" territory.
A lot of text is also wasted on red herrings. There's mention of a bar, and cheerilee wakes up on the couch, seemingly drunk/confused. But neither of these matter to the plot. Other-cheerilee falls to all-fours, but... nothing happens (totally expected her to turn pony.) Basically the only thing in the story that matters is that EQG Cheerilee is a disgruntled educator. But we understand that in two or three sentences. The rest of the story does very, very little to expound on that, beyond showing pony-Cheerilee as intending to fix that (somehow, which isn't clear at all.)
"Right, I suppose I should explain that. It's the reason I'm here, after all."
You literally have a character explaining that they should be explaining things instead of actually explaining things. Several more paragraphs worth of text are effectively pointless for similar reasons. In a long story, this matters less, but when word count is critical, the delayed explanation cliche moves from "merely annoying" and into "deadly sin" territory.
A lot of text is also wasted on red herrings. There's mention of a bar, and cheerilee wakes up on the couch, seemingly drunk/confused. But neither of these matter to the plot. Other-cheerilee falls to all-fours, but... nothing happens (totally expected her to turn pony.) Basically the only thing in the story that matters is that EQG Cheerilee is a disgruntled educator. But we understand that in two or three sentences. The rest of the story does very, very little to expound on that, beyond showing pony-Cheerilee as intending to fix that (somehow, which isn't clear at all.)
This came across as a bit schizophrenic to me. It feels melancholic, but then there are these absurdist elements about obscene graffiti and road-signs, implying comedy (but without humor.) My guess was that Discord was here previously or some such, but no closure is ever given. Luna also seems curiously ignorant of her surroundings. She talks about the last time she "swept" the place, yet is confused by the lower gravity and lack of air. Does she know this place or doesn't she?
All in all, it adds up to a confusing and murky tale at best for me.
All in all, it adds up to a confusing and murky tale at best for me.
Really great concept here, and a bold execution to go with it. I feel this set out with a very lofty goal, and almost accomplished it. The few flaws I found were mostly in the Nightmare's overly loquacious speech. The short interjections are sublime, but the longer ones become too flowerly, especially the one paraphrasing from Genesis. That is:
Two problems here. First, it wanders too far afield from the "conversation" Luna was otherwise having with her darker self. Most of the other lines are responses, in spirit if not in literal truth, to Luna's own thoughts. This just takes off on its own though. Secondly, this is a bible verse, or, more accurately, "a well known quote" but is used out of context to mean something else, so it plays wrong in my head. Mostly that's because it's too specific about giving man (humans) dominion over the earth as a group, not an individual. Likewise, the specificity in "cattle" plays wrong in MLP, as cows talk here, unlike "fowl" and "fish." As such, a direct quote just muddles things to me.
That said, this is one of the strong stories on my slate, and I commend you author, for the bold choice of structure.
of my ascendancy over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.
Two problems here. First, it wanders too far afield from the "conversation" Luna was otherwise having with her darker self. Most of the other lines are responses, in spirit if not in literal truth, to Luna's own thoughts. This just takes off on its own though. Secondly, this is a bible verse, or, more accurately, "a well known quote" but is used out of context to mean something else, so it plays wrong in my head. Mostly that's because it's too specific about giving man (humans) dominion over the earth as a group, not an individual. Likewise, the specificity in "cattle" plays wrong in MLP, as cows talk here, unlike "fowl" and "fish." As such, a direct quote just muddles things to me.
That said, this is one of the strong stories on my slate, and I commend you author, for the bold choice of structure.
So, the pronouns were WAY too confusing. Yeah, you have to mix it up slightly to get across that there's some gender-confusion going on. But... pick something and stick with it. Or, failing that, use proper nouns instead of pronouns. As it reads now, I couldn't enjoy the story as my brain kept screaming about subject/verb agreement problems.
Stepping back from the technical problems, I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I get what it's going for: a nice, quiet scene between two characters, but the cross-dressing (or more?) elements overshadow the simple slice of life here. There is, for lack of a better term, an elephant in the room that isn't really addressed. I'm not saying gender-swapping has to be the lead story here, but... at least half the story is about the transition back to their normal/public roles, so it's far more than background. Yet reasons/feelings/etc. about it are curiously absent. Essentially, I feel that if this was any other topic (that is, something a little less taboo) then the story wouldn't work at all. As it sits though, the vague "taboo"ness here is the only story to be found, and it's a little weak because of that.
Stepping back from the technical problems, I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I get what it's going for: a nice, quiet scene between two characters, but the cross-dressing (or more?) elements overshadow the simple slice of life here. There is, for lack of a better term, an elephant in the room that isn't really addressed. I'm not saying gender-swapping has to be the lead story here, but... at least half the story is about the transition back to their normal/public roles, so it's far more than background. Yet reasons/feelings/etc. about it are curiously absent. Essentially, I feel that if this was any other topic (that is, something a little less taboo) then the story wouldn't work at all. As it sits though, the vague "taboo"ness here is the only story to be found, and it's a little weak because of that.
I feel there's more that needs to be said here. But the story doesn't say it. It's straddling some awkward line between heartfelt retrospective and comedy. The song reference is... funny? I guess. But why are there scorpions and bats in the castle? That wasn't canon as far as I recall, so it's an odd/forced insert, seemingly only in service to the later song reference. The double-hit of "the spa shouldn't charge" doesn't play at all for me. One is kinda ha-ha, but the repeat from Spike just seems weird. The bits about everything being featureless and purple are kind of amusing, and the story could do more with that. If it goes to comedy, make that the central joke, and skip the more melancholy bits. As written though, the story doesn't know what it wants to be I feel.
First paragraph, and I was already writing "purple prose" in the comment box, only to find the top two comments also use that exact phrase. So yeah, far, far too dense. Not that one can't be poetic and loquacious with this type of story, but you have to balance it, and not violate TOO many grammatical rules along the way. This smashes through grammar conventions a bit "like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large, gold brick."
The overall premise is good though, and one I'd love to see done properly in the MLP flavor, because this is essentially a pony version of one of the great sci-fi classics. That is, Bradbury's "There Will Come Soft Rains." I hope that's intentional. If not, then you should immediately go read it. http://www.gs.cidsnet.de/englisch-online/originals/soft_rains.htm
The key difference is that Bradbury doesn't get bogged down in overly stylized prose. Rather, the simplicity actually lends more to the feeling of "strangeness" than any poetic verse could.
The overall premise is good though, and one I'd love to see done properly in the MLP flavor, because this is essentially a pony version of one of the great sci-fi classics. That is, Bradbury's "There Will Come Soft Rains." I hope that's intentional. If not, then you should immediately go read it. http://www.gs.cidsnet.de/englisch-online/originals/soft_rains.htm
The key difference is that Bradbury doesn't get bogged down in overly stylized prose. Rather, the simplicity actually lends more to the feeling of "strangeness" than any poetic verse could.
So... wonderfully well written. It captures Dash's voice and personality perfectly. The flow and pacing are both spot on, and the whole thing wraps nicely without feeling rushed. My complaint is only that the subject matter itself is about as as dull as possible. There was a "contest" and that's all we know. There's no character growth, no surprise, nothing to make us think. So now I find myself asking: "Is a near-perfect story about nothing better or worse than a flawed story with a much more intriguing premise?" I'm not sure. All I know is I want to see you write that more exciting premise at some point!
A little confused here. Not sure if this is alt-reality from Starlight Glimmer's meddling, or just standard AU where Dash took the offer to be a Shadowbolt. Like Rao says though, it could use a stronger punch. It seems like "Loiyalty" is the underlying theme, but that needs to be focused on stronger. I want to a clearer picture of how Loyalty chooses to side with Nightmare Moon. "Evil" is always best when its motivations are clear and logical. Seeing a Dash that is convinced (for real reasons) to choose differently would be great. As it sits, the reasoning is a little fuzzy, and we only see Dash/NMM justifying her choice after the fact.
Agreeing with Mike here... the ending recaps a little too much of what we JUST read. Punch it up a little bit, find some final note or saying that ties in to the "protectiveness" and this would be gold. As it is, a solid silver still. Very nicely done slice of life!
>>AndrewRogue
I was about to dive back in here and say just that, actually (turkey got the best of me before I had the chance). The last line is terrible—you're stretching things out in a goofy way after a reasonably-serious ending.
Same thing for "lover". Maybe try this:
"...pulled Starlight close for a different kind of kiss."
Italics is intentional, because I think you want to emphasize that (which you may need to find a way to do if you want the emphasis but agree to strike the last line).
I don't agree that Trixie's voice is off. Not sure about SG, but I think it could be stronger. Then again, I don't really know how strong reformed-Starlight's characterization is in the show, to be honest. Evil Starlight had a really strong presence, while good Starlight seems to be bumbling about, trying to please Twilight the same annoying ways Twi used to do with Celestia.
I was about to dive back in here and say just that, actually (turkey got the best of me before I had the chance). The last line is terrible—you're stretching things out in a goofy way after a reasonably-serious ending.
Same thing for "lover". Maybe try this:
"...pulled Starlight close for a different kind of kiss."
Italics is intentional, because I think you want to emphasize that (which you may need to find a way to do if you want the emphasis but agree to strike the last line).
I don't agree that Trixie's voice is off. Not sure about SG, but I think it could be stronger. Then again, I don't really know how strong reformed-Starlight's characterization is in the show, to be honest. Evil Starlight had a really strong presence, while good Starlight seems to be bumbling about, trying to please Twilight the same annoying ways Twi used to do with Celestia.
Well, this has been talked to death I think, so I'll keep my review short.
Yes, I too was confused. I realized it was Sunset in the story itself though (at the end) without commentary. But just barely. That left me reframing the story after reading though, as it had been Twilight pictured in my mind until that point. I was also never quite sure if we were in an AU setting where more things could be off. The "Goodbye" line almost felt like a suicide note, so I thought maybe this is the future, where a student offed herself and Celestia had to begin again.
Overall, not a bad introspective, and the physicality of the emotions didn't bother me as it did others. But I wanted a clearer picture of her thoughts, so I knew what was occurring.
Yes, I too was confused. I realized it was Sunset in the story itself though (at the end) without commentary. But just barely. That left me reframing the story after reading though, as it had been Twilight pictured in my mind until that point. I was also never quite sure if we were in an AU setting where more things could be off. The "Goodbye" line almost felt like a suicide note, so I thought maybe this is the future, where a student offed herself and Celestia had to begin again.
Overall, not a bad introspective, and the physicality of the emotions didn't bother me as it did others. But I wanted a clearer picture of her thoughts, so I knew what was occurring.
>>Monokeras
I get the sense that Gem is able to change his body parts at will and doesn't have a "default" form like he presumably ends up having after the end of the story.
This is another thing that makes Rarity's reaction confusing: if Gem can look however he wants, why would she be envious of his beauty? Furthermore, why would she need to groom him?
I get the sense that Gem is able to change his body parts at will and doesn't have a "default" form like he presumably ends up having after the end of the story.
This is another thing that makes Rarity's reaction confusing: if Gem can look however he wants, why would she be envious of his beauty? Furthermore, why would she need to groom him?
Yeah, not sure why the title was chosen and repeated like it was, since it doesn't seem to relate to the main theme of the story. Ignoring that, the rest is pretty good though. I kept wondering why they'd be afraid of guards, thinking she was a thief or changeling at first. But the setting and context at the end made a much more interesting (and deep) story out of it. Well done!
Needs some technical editing to start with. Beyond that, it's too confusing to properly enjoy. It tries to hit on some themes I find interesting, but the timelines, characters, etc. don't quite mesh with canon or any fanon I know, so it comes across a bit of a jumbled mess I'm afraid. There could be some very interesting stuff to explore here, were a longer version written.
>>Xepher
Agreed, but I think I already said that. The motif was just a little too repetitive and it distracted me from the story more than aiding the mood.
I think part of the problem is it made the story seems like a moralistic poem from the 1800's, and the story was otherwise outstanding and serious and inconsistent with that manner of storytelling, where nothing else is repetitive or sing-songy. I think it'd have more impact if you hadn't ended the story with that line, and if you'd only mentioned it at most once previously.
Then you'd need a new name for your story, but you should choose a new name. This story isn't really about the filly, exactly, is it? She hardly does anything. It's about her mother's actions and the hopefulness that slowly emerges, which the filly in part personifies, but she's not exactly a synecdoche for the message.
Agreed, but I think I already said that. The motif was just a little too repetitive and it distracted me from the story more than aiding the mood.
I think part of the problem is it made the story seems like a moralistic poem from the 1800's, and the story was otherwise outstanding and serious and inconsistent with that manner of storytelling, where nothing else is repetitive or sing-songy. I think it'd have more impact if you hadn't ended the story with that line, and if you'd only mentioned it at most once previously.
Then you'd need a new name for your story, but you should choose a new name. This story isn't really about the filly, exactly, is it? She hardly does anything. It's about her mother's actions and the hopefulness that slowly emerges, which the filly in part personifies, but she's not exactly a synecdoche for the message.
Okay, this was... odd. Not bad, just odd.
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not. On the one hand, Luna (or is it nightmare moon? Is there any distinction here?) is trapped on a lifeless, airless rock for a thousand years. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to mind it very much. Bu is this because it's really not so bad, or is se just crazy and trying to rationalize her situation away? And what's up with the sign and mention of umbrellas... IS there other life on the moon?
All in all, I found this a rather strange entry.
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not. On the one hand, Luna (or is it nightmare moon? Is there any distinction here?) is trapped on a lifeless, airless rock for a thousand years. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to mind it very much. Bu is this because it's really not so bad, or is se just crazy and trying to rationalize her situation away? And what's up with the sign and mention of umbrellas... IS there other life on the moon?
All in all, I found this a rather strange entry.
A really unique... dare I say, "fun" perspective on major events from canon. I really loved the wordplay around "lunatic", as it's exactly the sort of logic I expect from anyone that uses "reckon" that frequently. Yes, it plays to stereotypes a bit heavily, but it works perfectly here.
Well, I thought this was a cute little bit of slice of life / romantic fluff. I suppose I can agree with the above reviews comments on Starlight glimmer's sudden change in direction, though it doesn't seem that jarring to me. Trixie more or less cut off her initial response at the knees, and stress and panic can cause someone's mood and reactions to whip around like that
All in all, not bad. :)
All in all, not bad. :)
>>Trick_Question
Also also (further proving my initial "only have one complaint" to be a lie):
I don't think the title of the story works...at least not yet. I like the idea of the title, but it hinges on a single word Trixie says and it's a fairly weak connection. Part of the weakness is that we don't see her saying it until we're almost at the end of the story, and the word is an analogy that has a totally different meaning from the meaning in the title. They're two different definitions of the same word.
It's a good title conceptually (I can remember which story this is from the title, which should always be the case authors, stop writing crap titles plzkthxbai), but the story doesn't support it early enough or strongly enough.
I think "A Good Filly" is similar, but for different reasons—the title support in that story is strong, but too artificial and distracting. In contrast, here the title is clever and reinforces the meaning of the story properly, but the support within the story is weak.
A different title flaw is "Scorpion Days". I don't like the title there because it barely touches on the events of the story and has very little to do with its meaning.
Choosing titles is hard. :facehoof:
Also also (further proving my initial "only have one complaint" to be a lie):
I don't think the title of the story works...at least not yet. I like the idea of the title, but it hinges on a single word Trixie says and it's a fairly weak connection. Part of the weakness is that we don't see her saying it until we're almost at the end of the story, and the word is an analogy that has a totally different meaning from the meaning in the title. They're two different definitions of the same word.
It's a good title conceptually (I can remember which story this is from the title, which should always be the case authors, stop writing crap titles plzkthxbai), but the story doesn't support it early enough or strongly enough.
I think "A Good Filly" is similar, but for different reasons—the title support in that story is strong, but too artificial and distracting. In contrast, here the title is clever and reinforces the meaning of the story properly, but the support within the story is weak.
A different title flaw is "Scorpion Days". I don't like the title there because it barely touches on the events of the story and has very little to do with its meaning.
Choosing titles is hard. :facehoof:
This! Damn it, you win! It has heart, it has humor, it has history. It just works, and the minor quibbles I can give are only that more minor for it.
Yeaaaaahhhh... No.
There were a few amusing lines here and there, but in order to be funny satire has to be, well, satirical. Taking a list of Democratic talking points and changing the names to ponies isn't particularly satirical or funny. If you'd swapped it for a set of Republican talking points... It still wouldn't have been particularly funny or satirical. You'd still just have a small group of people who loved it... And a vast majority that rolls their eyes and groans.
Which pretty much sums up people's reaction to the election itself, come to think of it...
There were a few amusing lines here and there, but in order to be funny satire has to be, well, satirical. Taking a list of Democratic talking points and changing the names to ponies isn't particularly satirical or funny. If you'd swapped it for a set of Republican talking points... It still wouldn't have been particularly funny or satirical. You'd still just have a small group of people who loved it... And a vast majority that rolls their eyes and groans.
Which pretty much sums up people's reaction to the election itself, come to think of it...
wat
Okay, huh. Hmm. Let's begin.
(Go here:)
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/165/457/39f.png
This story starts off with an amusing and interesting premise (I loved the initial premise!), but after a slow build, it drops the premise for random and meandering meta-hijinks.
I don't write stories like this so it's hard for me to evaluate properly. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get other than comedy, and the comedy is just a shade too random to make me laugh.
Metahumor is something ponies frequently assume will have a low bar for entry, but I'm pretty sure what you're attempting here has a humongous degree of difficulty attached.
I think this story would have been much better had you stuck with the premise (the original premise was great and funny) and not broke the fourth wall. There's too much random meandering from silly subject to other silly subject: the story never focuses on any one topic for long enough to make it interesting. You start a new premise, then drop it and pick up another premise before you've done anything to make the previous one amusing.
Something that would have been marginally random, and worked for me, is if the villagers had threatened Thorax over Crystal Hoof, then Thorax changes in front of their eyes, and they all say stuff like, "Crystal Hoof! Where did you come from? Are you okay? Did that changeling hurt you?" and the changeling has to adapt to the fact that crystal ponies are complete idiots. That would be funny without cycling through unrelated topics, and you wouldn't need to break the fourth wall to do it. You could even add the OC stuff in if you're clever, but the whole voting on a relationship and conformity among the villagers... it just didn't work.
I think part of the problem here is the fact that once you go random, you'll always have banned 'em. No, wait, that was incredibly stupid: let me start over. I mean, once you go random, you lose all tension in the story. If the author can decide to put anything down with no rules whatsoever, it's easy to lose interest because as a reader I can't have expectations about what will happen next. Reality no longer applies.
Most contemporary horror movies (especially the ones with CGI) are terrible about this. If you've got a monster that can do anything at all, it isn't scary anymore because there's no tension. The audience won't feel nervous around closed doors or corners of buildings if the monster can just appear out of nowhere in an open field without warning. I'm pretty sure the Final Destination movies are probably filled with this crap. I say "pretty sure" because I won't watch them, but I've seen snippets that are just terrible because the deaths are totally random so the characters are never in "more danger" in one place as opposed to another.
Okay, I'm done now. :derpytongue2:
Okay, huh. Hmm. Let's begin.
(Go here:)
http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/165/457/39f.png
This story starts off with an amusing and interesting premise (I loved the initial premise!), but after a slow build, it drops the premise for random and meandering meta-hijinks.
I don't write stories like this so it's hard for me to evaluate properly. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get other than comedy, and the comedy is just a shade too random to make me laugh.
Metahumor is something ponies frequently assume will have a low bar for entry, but I'm pretty sure what you're attempting here has a humongous degree of difficulty attached.
I think this story would have been much better had you stuck with the premise (the original premise was great and funny) and not broke the fourth wall. There's too much random meandering from silly subject to other silly subject: the story never focuses on any one topic for long enough to make it interesting. You start a new premise, then drop it and pick up another premise before you've done anything to make the previous one amusing.
Something that would have been marginally random, and worked for me, is if the villagers had threatened Thorax over Crystal Hoof, then Thorax changes in front of their eyes, and they all say stuff like, "Crystal Hoof! Where did you come from? Are you okay? Did that changeling hurt you?" and the changeling has to adapt to the fact that crystal ponies are complete idiots. That would be funny without cycling through unrelated topics, and you wouldn't need to break the fourth wall to do it. You could even add the OC stuff in if you're clever, but the whole voting on a relationship and conformity among the villagers... it just didn't work.
I think part of the problem here is the fact that once you go random, you'll always have banned 'em. No, wait, that was incredibly stupid: let me start over. I mean, once you go random, you lose all tension in the story. If the author can decide to put anything down with no rules whatsoever, it's easy to lose interest because as a reader I can't have expectations about what will happen next. Reality no longer applies.
Most contemporary horror movies (especially the ones with CGI) are terrible about this. If you've got a monster that can do anything at all, it isn't scary anymore because there's no tension. The audience won't feel nervous around closed doors or corners of buildings if the monster can just appear out of nowhere in an open field without warning. I'm pretty sure the Final Destination movies are probably filled with this crap. I say "pretty sure" because I won't watch them, but I've seen snippets that are just terrible because the deaths are totally random so the characters are never in "more danger" in one place as opposed to another.
Okay, I'm done now. :derpytongue2:
A bit amusing, but in a rather cliche sort of way. That the initial dream is somehow overlaid with an actual "prank" doesn't make sense to me. Was Luna in on it, directing the dream to match up with the shenanigans Starlight and Trixie were up to? Did one of them cast a dream spell? Or is it just random coincidence? Either way, it needs some explanation to me. Beyond that, this is basically just the Bedmate Reveal.
Okay, I am familiar with the Conversion Bureau stories mostly by reputation... (And, I must admit, I've been tempting to write a fic for them myself, having a dark idea for a short story...) So, I followed along with this just fine.
Having said that... I'm at a bit of a loss as to the point of this story, and it's logic. Ou protagonist got drunk, write a bunch of e-mail telling his friends he's quitting / leaving / whatever.. .Then his a conversion bureau while drunk and got turned into a pony... And then went home to sleep it off.
And his boss is not just OK with this, but supporting him. Oh, and he's legally screwed himself.
The levels at which this makes no sense... Let's start off with allowing a patient to request a major medical procedure(ie, turning into a pony) while under the influence. A Tattoo artist can get away with that. Something like this? Yeah, no. Then there's the whole "You're no longer a US citizen now. Because, you know, you're a different skin color.. . I mean, species. Oooookay. We're in some really freaky offshoot of the US if that's the case. Plus, if he's found out, shouldn't he just be deported to Equestria? Which would be where he wants to go anyway?
And finally, the coup de grace, the hoary old "We've run out of oil / resources" trope as an excuse why going to Equestria is a great idea. Which also doesn't really fly.
So, all in all, I really have to turn off too many logic circuits to really enjoy this one that much...
Having said that... I'm at a bit of a loss as to the point of this story, and it's logic. Ou protagonist got drunk, write a bunch of e-mail telling his friends he's quitting / leaving / whatever.. .Then his a conversion bureau while drunk and got turned into a pony... And then went home to sleep it off.
And his boss is not just OK with this, but supporting him. Oh, and he's legally screwed himself.
The levels at which this makes no sense... Let's start off with allowing a patient to request a major medical procedure(ie, turning into a pony) while under the influence. A Tattoo artist can get away with that. Something like this? Yeah, no. Then there's the whole "You're no longer a US citizen now. Because, you know, you're a different skin color.. . I mean, species. Oooookay. We're in some really freaky offshoot of the US if that's the case. Plus, if he's found out, shouldn't he just be deported to Equestria? Which would be where he wants to go anyway?
And finally, the coup de grace, the hoary old "We've run out of oil / resources" trope as an excuse why going to Equestria is a great idea. Which also doesn't really fly.
So, all in all, I really have to turn off too many logic circuits to really enjoy this one that much...
A good choice of topic, and decently written, but lacks any real impact. It's all very realistic, and as such, a great character study, but no story is here and so it doesn't stand out beyond the solid technical execution.
Ah yes, the myth of the tortured artist. Cliche aside, this is very well done. My only complaint is in the message itself, that he has "nothing more to say." As others aid, yes, one story is over, but there are others to be told. Art isn't JUST pain. Implying that it is is a little discouraging to me. So yes, I take issue with the message, not the story... which is great.
You have some run-on sentences, and a touch of purple alicorn syndrome. You don't need to relate the color of her bedroom to her coat color, or (to be honest) mention either one of them, because the story isn't about those things (especially if you want the bedroom to seem alien to her). Well... unless you plan for her to blend into the background for camouflage, that is. UPDATE: the room color is fine given that you're establishing it throughout the entire castle later.
I don't think Twi would demand free service, especially now that she owns a castle and (somehow, which the show has not indicated exactly how) large piles of bits. Even if she couldn't afford it, she's not that kind of pony. She might ask if she could have a massage on credit, perhaps.
Wouldn't Spike need to pee more than eat if he never found the bathroom? Wait, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Oh dear Celestia, that joke is just unforgivable. Send it over to Scorpion Days and see if they'll take it there. :trollestia:
Alright, I've finished reading it, and I'm a little confused.
What does this story want to be when it grows up?
The eye-rolling joke you tossed in is totally out of place. You can't take an otherwise-serious story and plop a groaner directly in the middle like that without confusing the hay out of your readership. I'm left wondering if the whole story was supposed to be a comedy... but nothing seems to be intended as funny, other than commiseration humor for Twi and Spike.
The recipe looks like this to me:
65% commiseration humor
32% serious drama/angst, reflection on 'why' Twi's life had to change
3% unforgivable joke
You can write fine, but I think you should reflect more about what the purpose of the story is. Even if you're not a message-writer like me, surely you intend for an audience reaction. If it's comedy, you should turn the dial up to eleven. Litter it with unforgivable jokes. Or else remove that joke and turn up the commiseration humor a little more, because currently that humor is producing more sympathy than giggles.
Even though I suspect you might be trying for comedy, this piece has a lot more drama in it because the comedy parts (with the exception of the Joke That Shall Not Be Named) feel dramatic and invoke too much sympathy to allow the audience to chuckle.
I don't think Twi would demand free service, especially now that she owns a castle and (somehow, which the show has not indicated exactly how) large piles of bits. Even if she couldn't afford it, she's not that kind of pony. She might ask if she could have a massage on credit, perhaps.
Wouldn't Spike need to pee more than eat if he never found the bathroom? Wait, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Oh dear Celestia, that joke is just unforgivable. Send it over to Scorpion Days and see if they'll take it there. :trollestia:
Alright, I've finished reading it, and I'm a little confused.
What does this story want to be when it grows up?
The eye-rolling joke you tossed in is totally out of place. You can't take an otherwise-serious story and plop a groaner directly in the middle like that without confusing the hay out of your readership. I'm left wondering if the whole story was supposed to be a comedy... but nothing seems to be intended as funny, other than commiseration humor for Twi and Spike.
The recipe looks like this to me:
65% commiseration humor
32% serious drama/angst, reflection on 'why' Twi's life had to change
3% unforgivable joke
You can write fine, but I think you should reflect more about what the purpose of the story is. Even if you're not a message-writer like me, surely you intend for an audience reaction. If it's comedy, you should turn the dial up to eleven. Litter it with unforgivable jokes. Or else remove that joke and turn up the commiseration humor a little more, because currently that humor is producing more sympathy than giggles.
Even though I suspect you might be trying for comedy, this piece has a lot more drama in it because the comedy parts (with the exception of the Joke That Shall Not Be Named) feel dramatic and invoke too much sympathy to allow the audience to chuckle.
Hmm... This is something, but... it's not pony, and it's not "the morning after" either, at least to me. The phrase "after his balls start to drop" stood out as pointlessly crude as well. I'm no prude about language, but it makes this suddenly a lot "grittier" for no reason, and takes the tone to a dark place. That'd be fine if the story then delivered something properly "dark" but it doesn't. It just peters out, making the dark overtures pointless. Overall, this felt a bit like a writing exercise where the teacher said "masculine noir" and so razors and detectives got smashed together in a bit of a haphazard way.
AJ and Pinkie made me laugh out loud. This was a skilled way of adding comedy to drama (take note, almost every story that tried to do this).
...
Eep. Well, I loved the story until the ending. For some reason, the twist fell flat for me. This is probably because you built up some great drama, and the twist erased all of that for a silly joke.
It also seems odd that Twi would be this bad at communicating with her friends. You almost made it believable with the initial interactions reframed, but not quite. I'd expect the first words out of Twi's mouth would be to explain the problem. And I'd expect the first thing she'd do is seek assistance from any of three different intelligent places (or talk to Dash or Shy) rather than complain to Celestia.
To sum up: you're a good writer, you're great with comedy, and you're very good with drama. The ending just didn't quite work for me.
...
Eep. Well, I loved the story until the ending. For some reason, the twist fell flat for me. This is probably because you built up some great drama, and the twist erased all of that for a silly joke.
It also seems odd that Twi would be this bad at communicating with her friends. You almost made it believable with the initial interactions reframed, but not quite. I'd expect the first words out of Twi's mouth would be to explain the problem. And I'd expect the first thing she'd do is seek assistance from any of three different intelligent places (or talk to Dash or Shy) rather than complain to Celestia.
To sum up: you're a good writer, you're great with comedy, and you're very good with drama. The ending just didn't quite work for me.