Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
R.Vival
“Good morning Luna. How are you doing?” The voice coolly asked as it resonated from everywhere, yet nowhere.
Luna rose from the levitated white reconstruction bench. “I just woke up after seeing my last body turned to fine red ash after I got blasted by a beam of pure arcana. How do you think I’m keeping Ti—!” She paused and sighed. “No, you are not her...” She inspected her body, making sure she had every part of it was still intact. To her relief, she felt not one part missing. She even had her wings this time. Small miracle, she thought. Having no wings is such a drag.
She looked up to the white void above her. “I have a question. Will you answer me?”
There was silence for a seconds before the voice coolly replied. “My arcane-technological matrix programming dictates that I must, regardless of the inquiry provided.”
There she goes again with that technical mumbo-jumbo.
She took a deep breath of air, her sight never leaving the white void where a ceiling should have been. “Why is that every time I die, I end up in this place? Why can’t I just be allowed to die like… l-like...” she felt a heavy pang on her chest just thinking about it. She still had a hard time believing it had happened. She had to fight the urge to tear up.
There was silence for a second before the cool voice replied to Luna’s question. “Because,” she started, “your soul was bound to the reconstruction matrix as per the wishes of my makers. Unlike the majority of other users in the system, your life essence is far too precious to lose.”
Luna looked down. “Why didn’t you save her then?” she asked, her tone rising several decibels. “Why am I the only important one? She was far more powerful than I could ever be! She should have been the one to be preserved, not me!”
“Irrelevant,” the cool voice retorted. “I am following my directive. It was the last order given to me by my creator before their expirations.”
Luna jumped off the white table and stood to face the white void above, her brow furrowing at the reply given. “You… y-you are supposed to be of this all-powerful ‘god’ in this miserable place! Can’t you remove my soul from the system and let me join my sister?”
“Impossible,” the cool voice replied.
She stomped her hoof. “It’s been almost ten-thousand years! I’ve probably died billions of times during all that time! Do you know how much it hurts to constantly die and be reconstructed knowing that you will never join those you love!?” She grimaced, clenching her teeth so tight that she could feel the taste of copper seeping from her gums.
“I understand how inconvenient this all must be, but in the end, hasn’t it proven beneficial? You cannot deny that having lived for the last ten-thousand years has given you a chance to see the world from a different viewpoint other than your old one?”
“That’s not the point!” Luna roared back.
“Of course it is,” the voice replied. “As stated before, I am following my directive. That directive is the preservation of your soul by any means necessary. A soul must reside within a physical vessel, hence why you are given a new physical body based on your original body.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question! Why me and not her!?” Luna glared to the white abyss. “Why was I the one whose soul had to get bound to this matrix? Why do you constantly have me going from place to place, righting all the wrongs that you yourself can’t fix?! I mean, if you are really some kind of machine god as you claim, you have the power to alter the very fabric of reality as you see fit! Why not use that power instead of just sitting back and using me?”
The voice went silent. Rather than a response, there was a bright light. Before Luna could fully process it, she was standing in a vast field of grass on a mildly starry night. Without an answer, the only thing she could do was move forward. Move forward and get a little further before she died.
Sister. I swear I will find out who bound me to this world. Then, I will join you in the summer lands. Wait for me just a bit longer.
Luna rose from the levitated white reconstruction bench. “I just woke up after seeing my last body turned to fine red ash after I got blasted by a beam of pure arcana. How do you think I’m keeping Ti—!” She paused and sighed. “No, you are not her...” She inspected her body, making sure she had every part of it was still intact. To her relief, she felt not one part missing. She even had her wings this time. Small miracle, she thought. Having no wings is such a drag.
She looked up to the white void above her. “I have a question. Will you answer me?”
There was silence for a seconds before the voice coolly replied. “My arcane-technological matrix programming dictates that I must, regardless of the inquiry provided.”
There she goes again with that technical mumbo-jumbo.
She took a deep breath of air, her sight never leaving the white void where a ceiling should have been. “Why is that every time I die, I end up in this place? Why can’t I just be allowed to die like… l-like...” she felt a heavy pang on her chest just thinking about it. She still had a hard time believing it had happened. She had to fight the urge to tear up.
There was silence for a second before the cool voice replied to Luna’s question. “Because,” she started, “your soul was bound to the reconstruction matrix as per the wishes of my makers. Unlike the majority of other users in the system, your life essence is far too precious to lose.”
Luna looked down. “Why didn’t you save her then?” she asked, her tone rising several decibels. “Why am I the only important one? She was far more powerful than I could ever be! She should have been the one to be preserved, not me!”
“Irrelevant,” the cool voice retorted. “I am following my directive. It was the last order given to me by my creator before their expirations.”
Luna jumped off the white table and stood to face the white void above, her brow furrowing at the reply given. “You… y-you are supposed to be of this all-powerful ‘god’ in this miserable place! Can’t you remove my soul from the system and let me join my sister?”
“Impossible,” the cool voice replied.
She stomped her hoof. “It’s been almost ten-thousand years! I’ve probably died billions of times during all that time! Do you know how much it hurts to constantly die and be reconstructed knowing that you will never join those you love!?” She grimaced, clenching her teeth so tight that she could feel the taste of copper seeping from her gums.
“I understand how inconvenient this all must be, but in the end, hasn’t it proven beneficial? You cannot deny that having lived for the last ten-thousand years has given you a chance to see the world from a different viewpoint other than your old one?”
“That’s not the point!” Luna roared back.
“Of course it is,” the voice replied. “As stated before, I am following my directive. That directive is the preservation of your soul by any means necessary. A soul must reside within a physical vessel, hence why you are given a new physical body based on your original body.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question! Why me and not her!?” Luna glared to the white abyss. “Why was I the one whose soul had to get bound to this matrix? Why do you constantly have me going from place to place, righting all the wrongs that you yourself can’t fix?! I mean, if you are really some kind of machine god as you claim, you have the power to alter the very fabric of reality as you see fit! Why not use that power instead of just sitting back and using me?”
The voice went silent. Rather than a response, there was a bright light. Before Luna could fully process it, she was standing in a vast field of grass on a mildly starry night. Without an answer, the only thing she could do was move forward. Move forward and get a little further before she died.
Sister. I swear I will find out who bound me to this world. Then, I will join you in the summer lands. Wait for me just a bit longer.
This one would be better longer, with more time to explain what's going on and maybe even give some more background. I was a bit lost. There are also a couple places where a little polish is needed, the sort of thing an editor helps catch. The writing itself wasn't outstanding, but it wasn't horrible either.
>>Kitcat36
All the shortcomings of both short word counts and a time limit. Still had fun making it.
All the shortcomings of both short word counts and a time limit. Still had fun making it.
This is what I get for not refreshing my ballot page since yesterday... But, as I read it anyway now, a quick review.
It's piqued my curiosity, and were it a longer story, I'd definitely keep reading. As it is though, the lack of resolution or closure leaves it feeling more like a non-sequitur. As noted by Kitcat36, could use a little technical editing as well.
It's piqued my curiosity, and were it a longer story, I'd definitely keep reading. As it is though, the lack of resolution or closure leaves it feeling more like a non-sequitur. As noted by Kitcat36, could use a little technical editing as well.
First, a word: please be careful not to DQ yourself, even if you're not confident in or feel bad about your work.
I don't assume you did so intentionally. But for a time, we had an author who would repeatedly, intentionally DQ themself (it became obvious after the second time, let alone the third). I don't remember what happened in the end, but it was super-annoying while it lasted.
Again, I assume it was a mistake here. You produced something interesting and I'm glad you joined the competition. :twilightsmile:
Now, actual critique. :V
It's hard to do exposition through dialogue without it seeming unnatural, and this seems unnatural. The sentence is too long and detailed to be part of natural conversation. Since we're seeing third-pony-Luna-perspective here, this information could be stated more naturally outside of dialogue.
A little too much, here: I would not have added the last two sentences, because the first one adequately conveys the meaning. Try to make things more subtle and trust the readers to pick up on what you're saying.
...most of my feedback would continue along these lines, so I won't repeat the above critiques. I think the biggest problem is Luna's dialogue which is too exposition-y.
Can you actually clench your teeth hard enough to draw blood from the gums? That seems unrealistic.
That sounds highly out-of-character for the "clueless robot" character you've been painting thus far.
This is the most intriguing part of the story, and the part I'd like to see more of. You could drastically reduce the dialogue between Luna and robot and give us more meat directly. Don't tell us about Luna's situation: show us. Show-don't-tell is something you should work on (as all authors should).
I don't assume you did so intentionally. But for a time, we had an author who would repeatedly, intentionally DQ themself (it became obvious after the second time, let alone the third). I don't remember what happened in the end, but it was super-annoying while it lasted.
Again, I assume it was a mistake here. You produced something interesting and I'm glad you joined the competition. :twilightsmile:
Now, actual critique. :V
"I just woke up after seeing my last body turned to fine red ash after I got blasted by a beam of pure arcana."
It's hard to do exposition through dialogue without it seeming unnatural, and this seems unnatural. The sentence is too long and detailed to be part of natural conversation. Since we're seeing third-pony-Luna-perspective here, this information could be stated more naturally outside of dialogue.
...she felt a heavy pang on her chest just thinking about it. She still had a hard time believing it had happened. She had to fight the urge to tear up.
A little too much, here: I would not have added the last two sentences, because the first one adequately conveys the meaning. Try to make things more subtle and trust the readers to pick up on what you're saying.
...most of my feedback would continue along these lines, so I won't repeat the above critiques. I think the biggest problem is Luna's dialogue which is too exposition-y.
Can you actually clench your teeth hard enough to draw blood from the gums? That seems unrealistic.
"I understand how inconvenient this all must be..."
That sounds highly out-of-character for the "clueless robot" character you've been painting thus far.
Without an answer, the only thing she could do was move forward. Move forward and get a little further before she died.
This is the most intriguing part of the story, and the part I'd like to see more of. You could drastically reduce the dialogue between Luna and robot and give us more meat directly. Don't tell us about Luna's situation: show us. Show-don't-tell is something you should work on (as all authors should).
A fascinating concept. The execution could use some polish, but the foundation is sound. I'd love to see more of this, especially if catalogued over multiple lifetimes.
I sincerely hope you participate in future Writeoffs now that you know how important it is to preserve your anonymity during the review portion of the contest.
I sincerely hope you participate in future Writeoffs now that you know how important it is to preserve your anonymity during the review portion of the contest.
Luna is trapped in a Roguelike : The story.
I mean there's backstory here I am curious about. And fore-story. It's lots of intriguing maybe, and I, minx that I am, what answers.
I mean there's backstory here I am curious about. And fore-story. It's lots of intriguing maybe, and I, minx that I am, what answers.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'll participate when possible. I'm not exactly overflowing withfree time as of late. I'm fact, time is a severely short comodity. Still, it's writing that more or less keeps me sene. So, thanks for the kind words.
As for your suggestions. .. they give me an idea
I'll participate when possible. I'm not exactly overflowing withfree time as of late. I'm fact, time is a severely short comodity. Still, it's writing that more or less keeps me sene. So, thanks for the kind words.
As for your suggestions. .. they give me an idea