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The writing here really needs some work, both technically (tense, grammar, spelling, etc.) and in overall flow. It was very hard to really get a sense of what was happening. The 4th wall break, then the scene break to show this as a recap (thus meeting the prompt/theme requirement) threw what little understanding I had even further out the window.
>>CoffeeMinion
This really illustrates how differently two ponies can read the same work. I didn't find it random at all.
The signs refer to meteorites, and the signs exist because apparently ponies can visit the Moon as was indicated by the protagonist. This doesn't explain why she's stuck there if other ponies can come and go as they please, but I don't think it needs to since there are many consistent possibilities.
I didn't read in any humor at all, to be honest. I saw it as sincere but unusual, with a message about silver linings. It'll probably end up in the top half of my scoring card.
This really illustrates how differently two ponies can read the same work. I didn't find it random at all.
The signs refer to meteorites, and the signs exist because apparently ponies can visit the Moon as was indicated by the protagonist. This doesn't explain why she's stuck there if other ponies can come and go as they please, but I don't think it needs to since there are many consistent possibilities.
I didn't read in any humor at all, to be honest. I saw it as sincere but unusual, with a message about silver linings. It'll probably end up in the top half of my scoring card.
>>Trick_Question
I'm going to have to dispute that last suggestion (about "Dad" instead of "Mom.") See, I sensed a "twist" from the very beginning, and I completely expected it to be a male protagonist. So it was instead surprised by the actual twist, which was a lot more cheerful and optimistic than I expected, so it made me smile.
In general, yeah, a little too much forced detail in the story, and "drunk adoption" is a bit of practical plot hole. I'd suggest simply setting the tense slightly different. That he does those things for her when she had too much to drink, but in a general sense, not specifically yesterday.
Overall though, I think the premise is excellent here, but could be polished a bit to make it even stronger.
I'm going to have to dispute that last suggestion (about "Dad" instead of "Mom.") See, I sensed a "twist" from the very beginning, and I completely expected it to be a male protagonist. So it was instead surprised by the actual twist, which was a lot more cheerful and optimistic than I expected, so it made me smile.
In general, yeah, a little too much forced detail in the story, and "drunk adoption" is a bit of practical plot hole. I'd suggest simply setting the tense slightly different. That he does those things for her when she had too much to drink, but in a general sense, not specifically yesterday.
Overall though, I think the premise is excellent here, but could be polished a bit to make it even stronger.
I'd really like to know what universe this is a crossover with. It's Potter-ish, but familiar/animals in HP don't talk.
Story-wise, I'm all for universe-hopping hijinks, and liked that this Raindolph (weird spelling) is a bit of a douche. Rarity (though I'd initially thought it was twilight as well) holding scissors against his neck made me smirk. That scene was well done.
Some things that weren't though, was that the protagonist is never described. We see a talking weasel, and for the first half the story, I assumed Raindolph was also a ferret or something. By the end, I'm assuming "human" because that's kind of the default outside of this fandom. However, when you're writing in a content for MLP stories, and your protagonist is NOT a pony, you should probably mention it somewhere.
Second problem is that far too much backstory is implied for the Dean, eating up space that could've made the story more understandable given the word length. For example, how in the world would Twilight NOT go crazy and want to know everything about this new creature/wizard/whatever and his world? Yeah, she'd maybe give up tail hairs, but only after 36 hours of intense interrogation of Raindolph, who'd then never make his exam.
Story-wise, I'm all for universe-hopping hijinks, and liked that this Raindolph (weird spelling) is a bit of a douche. Rarity (though I'd initially thought it was twilight as well) holding scissors against his neck made me smirk. That scene was well done.
Some things that weren't though, was that the protagonist is never described. We see a talking weasel, and for the first half the story, I assumed Raindolph was also a ferret or something. By the end, I'm assuming "human" because that's kind of the default outside of this fandom. However, when you're writing in a content for MLP stories, and your protagonist is NOT a pony, you should probably mention it somewhere.
Second problem is that far too much backstory is implied for the Dean, eating up space that could've made the story more understandable given the word length. For example, how in the world would Twilight NOT go crazy and want to know everything about this new creature/wizard/whatever and his world? Yeah, she'd maybe give up tail hairs, but only after 36 hours of intense interrogation of Raindolph, who'd then never make his exam.
Very much in line with the canon show here, which is good. Very plausible approach to Twilight's teaching methods too. As noted everywhere though, word limits... *sigh* I think this may have benefited from being in first person. Then the narration itself helps color in some of the thoughts Starlight is having, rather than her needing to voice them directly to each character. Just an idea if you expand, rework.
That said, I enjoyed this, and find it pretty solid, if not exceptional. Though to be honest, I haven't found any on my slate yet that are.
That said, I enjoyed this, and find it pretty solid, if not exceptional. Though to be honest, I haven't found any on my slate yet that are.
Chrysalis goes pretty quick from homicidal anger to intrigue to abject terror pretty quick. In light of the "what if?" retrospective narrative angle it's acceptable. Limited space and all that.
However, I reread it a dozen times and I still can't quite puzzle out this line:
I'm willing to chalk that up to my own inability though. "Found wanting" always reminds me of "A Knight's Tale" <3.
Fourth wall breaking Pinkie is strong medicine for me, and is best used sparingly. Either the FimFic comment line in the middle or the audience wink would have been good seasoning, but both together feel like a bit too much.
However, I reread it a dozen times and I still can't quite puzzle out this line:
“That your very actions and deeds have made you found wanting[...]
I'm willing to chalk that up to my own inability though. "Found wanting" always reminds me of "A Knight's Tale" <3.
Fourth wall breaking Pinkie is strong medicine for me, and is best used sparingly. Either the FimFic comment line in the middle or the audience wink would have been good seasoning, but both together feel like a bit too much.
>>Orbiting_kettle
Odd, I feel almost the opposite. The only part that felt wrong to me was the middle part. That is, "reaching for the nuclear option." It reverts Starlight back too far, to before she learned as many lessons. Secondly, it makes the emotional swings too large. She's talking timeline meddling to "undo" only a few paragraphs before she'd leaning in and suddenly pushing for more with "What if I wanted it to?" Tone down the panic level to something a little more rational in the middle, and the rest works at lot better to me.
Overall, I'd still rate this pretty solid though. The voices and dialogue, as kettle says, are spot on.
Odd, I feel almost the opposite. The only part that felt wrong to me was the middle part. That is, "reaching for the nuclear option." It reverts Starlight back too far, to before she learned as many lessons. Secondly, it makes the emotional swings too large. She's talking timeline meddling to "undo" only a few paragraphs before she'd leaning in and suddenly pushing for more with "What if I wanted it to?" Tone down the panic level to something a little more rational in the middle, and the rest works at lot better to me.
Overall, I'd still rate this pretty solid though. The voices and dialogue, as kettle says, are spot on.
A guy I know used to call this "paint by word." It's a lovely little scene, and works well enough for what it is, but doesn't tell much more of a story. Still though, I like it. It shows us a little growth on the part of both characters, and a deeper understanding between them. Nicely done!
>>Xepher
Well, I thought that, considering the panic and the stressful situation, it was pretty normal for SG to fall back to old, trusted and ineffective methods. This probably comes also back to me thinking she still hasn't internalised the lessons enough for them to override a life of using magic to solve everything.
Well, I thought that, considering the panic and the stressful situation, it was pretty normal for SG to fall back to old, trusted and ineffective methods. This probably comes also back to me thinking she still hasn't internalised the lessons enough for them to override a life of using magic to solve everything.
While I feel like you were a bit too explicit on the whole who's who aspect (the identity reveal is a big part of what kept me reading here, and just giving it away felt a bit cheap) I'm not really certain I could suggest a better way to do it. Maybe I'd have felt a little differently if I'd remembered who Orchard Blossom was off the bat.
Nice idea, on the whole. I do think this was a little light on conflict or something, but I'm having a bit of trouble saying why. Maybe because, although this isn't a joke, it's still a one idea fic; basically all you've got here is a reveal, and while it's a clever reveal, I can't help but want a bit more to the story than that.
Nice idea, on the whole. I do think this was a little light on conflict or something, but I'm having a bit of trouble saying why. Maybe because, although this isn't a joke, it's still a one idea fic; basically all you've got here is a reveal, and while it's a clever reveal, I can't help but want a bit more to the story than that.
Okay, I'm of two minds about this. First bit, as soon as it turned meta, was pretty funny. The jokes worked, and I chuckled. But the joke was dead by the time the crowd suggests the two ponies should break up. Cut/end it there. Everything after that just lost me, and the ending line is to me the worst kind of anvilicious anti-humor.
This almost reads like a critique of criticism to me, and as such, I'm tempted to simply not respond. :P
Well, I guess I'm not giving super useful or intricate advice on these anyways. I'll just say that, most likely part of why people find this dialogue confusing, is because you've got multiple entities that are described instead of named. 'one pony', 'one purple crystal pony' 'her friend', etc. I think it would be clearer and more concise if you simplified the actors as much as you could, and then tried to cut that sort of description out as much as possible by using consistent names. If you did Agate, Jasper, and 'the crowd', I think you could achieve much the same dialogue, but without all of the fumbling around without names.
Oh, and a DO NOT STEAL in here would have made me laugh.
Well, I guess I'm not giving super useful or intricate advice on these anyways. I'll just say that, most likely part of why people find this dialogue confusing, is because you've got multiple entities that are described instead of named. 'one pony', 'one purple crystal pony' 'her friend', etc. I think it would be clearer and more concise if you simplified the actors as much as you could, and then tried to cut that sort of description out as much as possible by using consistent names. If you did Agate, Jasper, and 'the crowd', I think you could achieve much the same dialogue, but without all of the fumbling around without names.
Oh, and a DO NOT STEAL in here would have made me laugh.
This leaves me wondering what happened to the Nightmare. Was Luna purged as she was banished, and on escape will she be re-u-Nighted or something?
I liked the concept here, and exploration is always something that I enjoy. The slow discovery of the surroundings, and the evolution of her mindset, were both interesting and engaging to me. The whole thing came across as rather goofy, which was better than maudlin in my opinion. I do think drawing out her curiosity more, so that the final bit doesn't seem quite so abrupt or sudden, might be good. (It's there, but I think it could be stronger.)
Nice work on the whole.
I liked the concept here, and exploration is always something that I enjoy. The slow discovery of the surroundings, and the evolution of her mindset, were both interesting and engaging to me. The whole thing came across as rather goofy, which was better than maudlin in my opinion. I do think drawing out her curiosity more, so that the final bit doesn't seem quite so abrupt or sudden, might be good. (It's there, but I think it could be stronger.)
Nice work on the whole.
The name similarities between our two griffons hints at a greater connection, but we don't get one. Disappointing, but not any kind of deal breaker. Your dedication to continued glorious griffon alliteration is commendable, also.
It's interesting to me that Crystal Quartz was in an obviously awful situation at the hands of griffon(s), but still managed to fall in love with one. That speaks to her character in a way that I really appreciate. At least I assume Gerhard is a griffon, too. He has a paw, but is called a "coltfriend." Inter-species nomenclature is tricky :\
A lot of good thematic seeds to explore in here.
It's interesting to me that Crystal Quartz was in an obviously awful situation at the hands of griffon(s), but still managed to fall in love with one. That speaks to her character in a way that I really appreciate. At least I assume Gerhard is a griffon, too. He has a paw, but is called a "coltfriend." Inter-species nomenclature is tricky :\
A lot of good thematic seeds to explore in here.
This feels kinda super padded.
While I understand the enticement of purple prose, it's sometimes a self-destructive impulse in the context of the writeoff. If you absolutely must do it, you'll need to hone that prose carefully and slip plot details in with your descriptions. As it is, bits like: "Warm thermals rose from the south-facing hills below" aren't pulling their weight for the amount of words they use. If people know what thermals are, they know they rise. And if she's flying, then of course the hills are below. And is it important they're south-facing?
Point is, while the first 2/3 of this story is pretty, it's not doing much in the way of plot. And that leaves your character interaction, while nice, kinda stranded on the backend without a lot to support it. As such, it mostly comes off as simple and plain. It's not bad, but it's really not much at all. You do hit the voicing of the characters very well in that short space, though.
I dunno. This is doing all the things it does fairly well. But I think it's just not doing enough in the amount of space it has.
While I understand the enticement of purple prose, it's sometimes a self-destructive impulse in the context of the writeoff. If you absolutely must do it, you'll need to hone that prose carefully and slip plot details in with your descriptions. As it is, bits like: "Warm thermals rose from the south-facing hills below" aren't pulling their weight for the amount of words they use. If people know what thermals are, they know they rise. And if she's flying, then of course the hills are below. And is it important they're south-facing?
Point is, while the first 2/3 of this story is pretty, it's not doing much in the way of plot. And that leaves your character interaction, while nice, kinda stranded on the backend without a lot to support it. As such, it mostly comes off as simple and plain. It's not bad, but it's really not much at all. You do hit the voicing of the characters very well in that short space, though.
I dunno. This is doing all the things it does fairly well. But I think it's just not doing enough in the amount of space it has.
I think part of what bothered me about this is that your plot details are, somewhat, at odds with your characterization.
On the one hand, you've got ponies you're taking pains to describe as caring, loving, thoughtful, etc.
On the other hand, you've got ponies who do something like adoption on a whim, and then apparently seriously consider just wimping out?
I dunno. I just can't make those two things jive. As it is, these ponies are either super unpredictable or the narrator is unreliable or... I'm not even sure, but it's causing problems for me and making the whole thing seem more than slightly ridiculous.
And maybe that's the point. Perhaps this is intended more like comedy than drama. But I just can't tell, I guess.
On the one hand, you've got ponies you're taking pains to describe as caring, loving, thoughtful, etc.
On the other hand, you've got ponies who do something like adoption on a whim, and then apparently seriously consider just wimping out?
I dunno. I just can't make those two things jive. As it is, these ponies are either super unpredictable or the narrator is unreliable or... I'm not even sure, but it's causing problems for me and making the whole thing seem more than slightly ridiculous.
And maybe that's the point. Perhaps this is intended more like comedy than drama. But I just can't tell, I guess.
Gonna agree:
With >>Not_A_Hat here. When lengthening this for FimFiction publication, author, maybe start the story earlier with Dash in the castle dungeon. Nightmare Moon arrives, takes her to the top of a tower, shows her the night, and makes her the offer. That way we can be in Dash's mind throughout the whole decision-making process. You can move the italicized part to the beginning, too, as Dash thinks about how she got to where she is.
Mike
With >>Not_A_Hat here. When lengthening this for FimFiction publication, author, maybe start the story earlier with Dash in the castle dungeon. Nightmare Moon arrives, takes her to the top of a tower, shows her the night, and makes her the offer. That way we can be in Dash's mind throughout the whole decision-making process. You can move the italicized part to the beginning, too, as Dash thinks about how she got to where she is.
Mike
There's a double storm of uncertainty steaming from Violet and Dash and I dig it. Newbie meets hero only to have her dour mood remain after what would stereotypically be a good heart-to-heart. I would like to know a bit about the time relative to Dash's (presumed) retirement. Are we week 1 post-Wonderbolts, or a further ways down the line and she's feeling aimless? A little clue like that would help inform us in on the source of Dash's issue.
This definitely works as a complete narrative arc, but the choice of characters threw me off enough that I could never really get into it. I have no issue with Berry Punch staging an intervention, but reconciling a Minuette that lives in Ponyville after “Amending Fences” had me going “Wait, what?” through the whole story. Amazing how much of a difference one episode can make.
Again, the story’s sound. Adjust or explain the casting and you’ll be fine.
Again, the story’s sound. Adjust or explain the casting and you’ll be fine.
This walks the line between eloquent and grandiloquent. I can’t decide whether it goes too far. Still, given that the narrator is the spawn of Luna in a sense, it makes sense that its thoughts will be rather more flowery than the norm. Likewise her Doubt.
The story itself is a lovely postscript to its inspiring episode. Very fine craftsmanship.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Have you seen "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?"
The story itself is a lovely postscript to its inspiring episode. Very fine craftsmanship.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Have you seen "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?"
Princess not included? Wait, no, that was a few months ago. Let’s see…
Ah. Tragedy is a powerful muse, but it comes at a cost. I can’t argue with Cranky’s choice, and I can’t find fault in this story. Excellently done
Ah. Tragedy is a powerful muse, but it comes at a cost. I can’t argue with Cranky’s choice, and I can’t find fault in this story. Excellently done
No amount of flugelhorns and funnel cake can heal the kind of scars Sombra inflicted. Not immediately. A haunting portrayal of the lasting trauma of the crystal ponies, with a great blend of suspense and tragedy. That said, I do have to agree with Not_A_Hat with regards to the “good filly” refrain; it never really went anywhere. Still, that’s the one flaw in this gem.
Unicorn + dragon = gills? I am confuse.
Oh. We’re going by the literal interpretation of draconequus. That makes about as much sense as I can expect them to.
I do like the ending, but the flubbed fundamentals kept throwing me out of the story. A little proofreading will go a long way with this story. Once that’s done, it will be quite entertaining and ripe for expansion. I can only imagine Gem’s thought process as he drives his mother to insanity… though I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time from his perspective.
Oh. We’re going by the literal interpretation of draconequus. That makes about as much sense as I can expect them to.
I do like the ending, but the flubbed fundamentals kept throwing me out of the story. A little proofreading will go a long way with this story. Once that’s done, it will be quite entertaining and ripe for expansion. I can only imagine Gem’s thought process as he drives his mother to insanity… though I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time from his perspective.
>>Trick_Question
I appreciate the extra help understanding this. Different perspectives indeed. :-)
I didn't pick up at all on the tourism thing being serious; I thought it was a swerve toward absurdity. Even now, I still find it a bit far fetched, at least not with some more explanation of how that would even be possible, or with some more overt humor to get me to the point where I would be willing to roll with it for the sake of comedy.
I dunno. Considering that others are seeing stuff here that's just flying over my head, I think abstaining is still my best bet.
I appreciate the extra help understanding this. Different perspectives indeed. :-)
I didn't pick up at all on the tourism thing being serious; I thought it was a swerve toward absurdity. Even now, I still find it a bit far fetched, at least not with some more explanation of how that would even be possible, or with some more overt humor to get me to the point where I would be willing to roll with it for the sake of comedy.
I dunno. Considering that others are seeing stuff here that's just flying over my head, I think abstaining is still my best bet.
I'm a sucker for interesting expansion into lore, and you certainly dangle some quality threads in front of me. Most interesting, Floating-Orb-Celestia seems to know something about the afterlife and is surprised Twilight ends up where she does (where ever that may actually be).
Caveat to all those good threads is a lack of any feeling of resolution. We open with, and spend the most words on, what I figure is a post-Lethe Twilight, only to end with her predicament in the exact state we found it. Could be better in that regard, but otherwise fantastic.
Caveat to all those good threads is a lack of any feeling of resolution. We open with, and spend the most words on, what I figure is a post-Lethe Twilight, only to end with her predicament in the exact state we found it. Could be better in that regard, but otherwise fantastic.
Cassius makes some excellent points about the complexities of grief, especially when its fresh. Still, this strikes a rather worrisome tone with Celestia pulling from the same poisoned well that led to Nightmare Moon. On the other hand, that I feel enough for her to feel concerned for her continued well-being definitely speaks to the quality of the prose. Nicely done, if disconcerting. If that was your goal, congratulations on achieving it.
Oh, Chrysalis. Blinded by her pride… and a naturally occurring fusion reactor to the face.
This works quite well. Luna may want to take a more direct approach, though. Good job of capturing both involved parties and their approaches to the problem.
This works quite well. Luna may want to take a more direct approach, though. Good job of capturing both involved parties and their approaches to the problem.
I have to agree with GGA. This does a great job of capturing the disorientation of waking up to find oneself a sherbet fairy bughorse, but after that, it’s nothing but stock internal monologue asking the same questions we are. Appropriately enough, this story is in a larval state. I look forward to seeing the adult form.
Bouncing around all the pronouns had me rereading paragraphs thinking I'd missed something, but once I just got on with it everything made perfect sense. Like Not_A_Hat, I had forgotten about Orchard Blossom, but I think my memory lapse helped the revelation, if anything.
Thumbs up all around for giving some time in the spotlight to our two most not-quite gender bending characters.
Thumbs up all around for giving some time in the spotlight to our two most not-quite gender bending characters.
An interesting interpretation of Blueblood, but one that feels unfounded. He’d hardly be considered one of the nation’s most eligible bachelors if he repelled mares just by opening his mouth. At the very least, he’d be surrounded by social climbers who could tolerate him for his connections, not left completely alone. And, of course, there’s the behavior that would be unacceptable when interacting with anyone, regardless of gender. Tone down the attempts to make us feel sorry for him and you’ll be on the right track.
Well, color me confused. Did something happen to Sunset in the human world? Is Celestia mourning Sunset’s decision to stay there? Is this an alternate universe where she met a different fate? You’re really not giving me enough to go on here. I don’t know how to feel about the story since I don’t know what it’s telling me. Expand and clarify and we’ll see how it goes.
Nope.
Nope nope nope a thousand times nope.
I write to get away from this bull honkery. Quit seven paragraphs in, abstained with extreme prejudice.
Nope nope nope a thousand times nope.
I write to get away from this bull honkery. Quit seven paragraphs in, abstained with extreme prejudice.
The world changes at different rates. Some changes are generational or longer still, the shift noticeable only to those who were alive before it happened. Others, the ones where people will be asking “Where were you when it happened?” are so abrupt that they give everyone whiplash as they struggle to make sense of a world they thought they understood. The emergence of a mythological figure, a night that lasted far too long, and the nation’s god-queen suddenly having a sister would definitely qualify. Excellent work in capturing the fear and uncertainty that come from such upheaval.
This story tries to go in two directions at once and end up walking into a signpost. There’s just not enough room for both the investigation and the personal drama. The story wants to focus on the latter, but begins with the former and thus makes it distract the reader throughout. The reminiscing and bad blood would be intriguing on their own, but when combined with an unsolved crime, I wasn’t sure where I should focus. A lot goes unsaid, and too much of it is left out of the subtext.
In all, there’s definite potential, but you’re going to need to let us in on some more of the mystery before we can follow along.
In all, there’s definite potential, but you’re going to need to let us in on some more of the mystery before we can follow along.
Dr. >>FanOfMostEverything has diagnosed this story with "First Chapter Syndrome," and I must reluctantly parrot his diagnosis. The cure for this condition is simple: the author should take the story home, take its temperature twice daily, feed it chicken noodle soup, and keep writing it. The story will be big, strong, and healthy in no time flat.
Joking aside, I liked it. I really did. The grammar was a touch distracting, but there's plenty of good guides for that, perhaps most notably the one found on FimFiction. If I could summarize some of the big problems in a sentence or two, I would remind you that, generally speaking, fragments are not your friends and verb tenses are not usually interchangeable.
I highly encourage you to continue working on this. You've got the makings of a pretty good story, but it's not quite there yet.
Joking aside, I liked it. I really did. The grammar was a touch distracting, but there's plenty of good guides for that, perhaps most notably the one found on FimFiction. If I could summarize some of the big problems in a sentence or two, I would remind you that, generally speaking, fragments are not your friends and verb tenses are not usually interchangeable.
I highly encourage you to continue working on this. You've got the makings of a pretty good story, but it's not quite there yet.
>>Xepher
This isn't quite:
A crossover with my "Cluny the Sorceress Squirrel" stories, but it's close enough that I'm giggling in an ever-so-slightly-unhinged fashion. See, I've had stories about a squirrel sorceress and her hapless human familiar published in the last 9 issues of the annual Sword and Sorceress anthology--including the most recent volume in anyone's looking for a Thanksgiving present. Folks can read the first story about Cluny and Crocker for free on my old LiveJournal site if they're interested: the story's called "Familiars."
So I of course want to see more of the ferret--have him grousing about how that purple unicorn asked so many questions, they almost missed the test and maybe give him a name--but I also had a little trouble with the POV in the last section. We seem to have come unmoored from Raindolph, but we aren't moored to the professor, either. It's way too nebulous for me: I'd recommend keeping everything firmly in Raindolph's POV throughout. Fun stuff, though!
Mike
This isn't quite:
A crossover with my "Cluny the Sorceress Squirrel" stories, but it's close enough that I'm giggling in an ever-so-slightly-unhinged fashion. See, I've had stories about a squirrel sorceress and her hapless human familiar published in the last 9 issues of the annual Sword and Sorceress anthology--including the most recent volume in anyone's looking for a Thanksgiving present. Folks can read the first story about Cluny and Crocker for free on my old LiveJournal site if they're interested: the story's called "Familiars."
So I of course want to see more of the ferret--have him grousing about how that purple unicorn asked so many questions, they almost missed the test and maybe give him a name--but I also had a little trouble with the POV in the last section. We seem to have come unmoored from Raindolph, but we aren't moored to the professor, either. It's way too nebulous for me: I'd recommend keeping everything firmly in Raindolph's POV throughout. Fun stuff, though!
Mike
Not that I've ever lived in an oppressive, dictatorial regime and then been shot out of time for untold millennia, but if I had done all those things I think I'd react much the same way as Ms. Facet. A good look at the aftermath of Sombra's reign and the cautious attitude of the Crystal ponies after their first taste of freedom.
I’m half-expecting an Evangelion crossover with a title like that.
I have no issue with Berry rolling with Dr. Turner’s*… unique situation. She’s clearly at that level of drunk where everything sounds reasonable if said with conviction. Plus, I’m a huge sucker for these sorts of shenanigans. In all, quite fun.
*His name in the story is uncertain, so I’m splitting the difference.
I have no issue with Berry rolling with Dr. Turner’s*… unique situation. She’s clearly at that level of drunk where everything sounds reasonable if said with conviction. Plus, I’m a huge sucker for these sorts of shenanigans. In all, quite fun.
*His name in the story is uncertain, so I’m splitting the difference.
something something flown the coop feghoot something
I mean, this had more than one joke in it, and I liked it well enough for that. But what can I say? It's mostly ridiculous for ridiculositys sake. I can get behind that, and the minific round's the best place to do it, but it's not knocking me out of my chair with laughter.
Then again, I have a weird sense of humor, so make of that what you will.
I mean, this had more than one joke in it, and I liked it well enough for that. But what can I say? It's mostly ridiculous for ridiculositys sake. I can get behind that, and the minific round's the best place to do it, but it's not knocking me out of my chair with laughter.
Then again, I have a weird sense of humor, so make of that what you will.
Genre: Coffee pr0n
Thoughts: Seriously, this should carry a warning about triggering coffee cravings. :-p
Beyond that, it's a cozy character piece that gives us just shy of enough background information to be satisfying. The ending bit was a little too convenient as well. But overall this was well done, and I think it's going to shine bright if it gets some more words as a story on FimFiction.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Seriously, this should carry a warning about triggering coffee cravings. :-p
Beyond that, it's a cozy character piece that gives us just shy of enough background information to be satisfying. The ending bit was a little too convenient as well. But overall this was well done, and I think it's going to shine bright if it gets some more words as a story on FimFiction.
Tier: Strong
I have to say, I’ve been curious about this one since I saw the title in the gallery. Let’s see where it goes.
Oh ho. It took me a moment to adjust myself to the intended setting, but you definitely have me intrigued.
This was an enjoyable romp. The other reviews have plenty of helpful and pertinent advice, but I was honestly having too much fun with this to notice most of the issues. Some nice spacial shenanigans to pair with the temporal ones from my previous review.
>>M1Garand8 >>Trick_Question
They were from Twilight's tail? I assumed they came from Sweetie Belle's based on how the wand went so horribly right. Clearly there are too many purple-tailed unicorns about.
Oh ho. It took me a moment to adjust myself to the intended setting, but you definitely have me intrigued.
This was an enjoyable romp. The other reviews have plenty of helpful and pertinent advice, but I was honestly having too much fun with this to notice most of the issues. Some nice spacial shenanigans to pair with the temporal ones from my previous review.
>>M1Garand8 >>Trick_Question
They were from Twilight's tail? I assumed they came from Sweetie Belle's based on how the wand went so horribly right. Clearly there are too many purple-tailed unicorns about.
Surprisingly not the name of a Magic card. Yet.
In any case, a fascinating portrayal of the nature of the Nightmare. I especially love the contrast between the two voices. To say nothing of Luna realize the true depths of her mistake only once it was far, far too late to correct it. Superb work all around.
In any case, a fascinating portrayal of the nature of the Nightmare. I especially love the contrast between the two voices. To say nothing of Luna realize the true depths of her mistake only once it was far, far too late to correct it. Superb work all around.
I have to agree with those before me; a bit more concrete data would go a long way to helping us understand Dash’s plight. How long has she been retired? How much is she feeling her age, however old that may be? Is there some special occasion, or just random melancholy? Why confide in a rookie Wonderbolt rather than her friends? Give us a bit more to work with and this will carry an incredible emotional impact.
There's really nothing in this story that would justify making it a pony fic (especially since the characters are all OC's); you could just change a few phrases, change hooves to feet and horn-magic to hands, and it'd be indistinguishable from a work of original fiction. I'm not sure if it can be considered a flaw, but personally I find this kind of fanfics rather annoying.
That said, it's a well-written story and would probably work well as an actual whodunit, but the ending feels weak. So the detective (it is implied) was quite a razor fiend himself as a kid... so what? Does it have anything to do with the investigation? As others pointed out, we're not invested enough in the character to really care that much about his past. However, the twist of the shopkeeper being the protagonist's father (and thus their dialogue taking on a whole new dimension) is really good and satisfying, but goes nowhere.
...Also, how do you stick a razor into a lamppost? Aren't they usually made of metal? [EDIT: Oh. Sticky tape.]
That said, it's a well-written story and would probably work well as an actual whodunit, but the ending feels weak. So the detective (it is implied) was quite a razor fiend himself as a kid... so what? Does it have anything to do with the investigation? As others pointed out, we're not invested enough in the character to really care that much about his past. However, the twist of the shopkeeper being the protagonist's father (and thus their dialogue taking on a whole new dimension) is really good and satisfying, but goes nowhere.
...Also, how do you stick a razor into a lamppost? Aren't they usually made of metal? [EDIT: Oh. Sticky tape.]
>>FanOfMostEverything
I think that was the whole point of the fic, as I mentioned twice in my review. I'd be very surprised if it weren't supposed to be that pony.
I think that was the whole point of the fic, as I mentioned twice in my review. I'd be very surprised if it weren't supposed to be that pony.
>>Trick_Question
My interpretation of the punchline wasn't quite "Twilight is so powerful, man, you have no idea" (as yours seems to be), but rather Twilight's virginity is so absolute, it increased the wand's power a hundredfold.
My interpretation of the punchline wasn't quite "Twilight is so powerful, man, you have no idea" (as yours seems to be), but rather Twilight's virginity is so absolute, it increased the wand's power a hundredfold.
I somehow get strong Fafhrd and Gray Mouser vibe here, with a bit of modern deconstruction thrown in. By the way, a Fafhrd and Gray Mouser crossover is something I'm still missing sorely.
My questionable taste in crossovers aside, I liked this. I have a soft spot for the genre, truth be told, so I may not be completely objective here. I liked it, I appreciated the jokes, the admission that Equestria is (or was) a Deathworld and the cavalier way in which ponies treat the violent demise of their leaders. I noticed a couple of typos, but I generally don't count them against a story if they are not overwhelming.
You got a chuckle out of me and my mood improved reading it. Thanks for writing it.
My questionable taste in crossovers aside, I liked this. I have a soft spot for the genre, truth be told, so I may not be completely objective here. I liked it, I appreciated the jokes, the admission that Equestria is (or was) a Deathworld and the cavalier way in which ponies treat the violent demise of their leaders. I noticed a couple of typos, but I generally don't count them against a story if they are not overwhelming.
You got a chuckle out of me and my mood improved reading it. Thanks for writing it.
Hmmm… Sirens. No my bag but let’s go on.
Okay.
Yeah, the prose is a bit meh. Many typos and repetitions. Definitely in need of a good sweep.
The story? Well, the sirens whinge, and then their (presumed) saviour appear. Not much to munch. And the sirens act too passive. And I don't understand why Discord would get involved in that. What's the point?
Ok, sorry. Not my cup of tea definitely.
Okay.
Yeah, the prose is a bit meh. Many typos and repetitions. Definitely in need of a good sweep.
The story? Well, the sirens whinge, and then their (presumed) saviour appear. Not much to munch. And the sirens act too passive. And I don't understand why Discord would get involved in that. What's the point?
Ok, sorry. Not my cup of tea definitely.
>>JudgeDeadd
How does virginity get "so absolute"? Do your bodily excreta lose mystic power with every tongue-kiss or sideways glance? :rainbowhuh:
How does virginity get "so absolute"? Do your bodily excreta lose mystic power with every tongue-kiss or sideways glance? :rainbowhuh:
It’s a nice piece of dialogue, and while your OC is a bit bland, RD comes across nicely. I know some people who would have a hard time retiring. So yeah, it’s not easy to give up, hang up the gloves and get off the ring.
And it's not easy to admit it either.
So, yeah, nicely done, though I must admit your portrait sets aside all her friends. she seems very much alone.
And it's not easy to admit it either.
So, yeah, nicely done, though I must admit your portrait sets aside all her friends. she seems very much alone.
Hmm… That mage definitely sounds like an AD&D character. They're supposed to talk with their familiar through a telepathic link.
A ferret would be useful for a mage, to troll things out.
So the story. At least there’s an arc, but the word limit hurts it very much: you had to squeeze your plot into that mini-format and consequently fell into the “all’s well” mould: somehow everything runs smoothly despite minor hitches.
not sure a mage can judge the virginity of a mare at a simple glance. Even for a vet, this takes some sort of “involved” examination.
I too got misled into thinking you were describing Twilight.
And I didn't get the explosions at the end were due to the mare they had been lopped from (I expected Sweetie Belle’s hair to say the truth), but rather due to the nature of the enchantment itself. The ending fell a bit flat for me.
overall, not great, but not bad either. Will certainly end up floating around the middle of my slate.
A ferret would be useful for a mage, to troll things out.
So the story. At least there’s an arc, but the word limit hurts it very much: you had to squeeze your plot into that mini-format and consequently fell into the “all’s well” mould: somehow everything runs smoothly despite minor hitches.
not sure a mage can judge the virginity of a mare at a simple glance. Even for a vet, this takes some sort of “involved” examination.
I too got misled into thinking you were describing Twilight.
And I didn't get the explosions at the end were due to the mare they had been lopped from (I expected Sweetie Belle’s hair to say the truth), but rather due to the nature of the enchantment itself. The ending fell a bit flat for me.
overall, not great, but not bad either. Will certainly end up floating around the middle of my slate.
yeah, i agree with FoME here. This sounds hokey, contrived. And I don't get it: how the guy ended up being mutated into a pony? Just by wishing it? Come on…
or this is part of a larger background i'm unfamiliar with.
if we disregard the occasional typos and flubs in the language, the beginning is quite nice. it's after that things derail.
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
or this is part of a larger background i'm unfamiliar with.
if we disregard the occasional typos and flubs in the language, the beginning is quite nice. it's after that things derail.
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
Ha. Was totally silly, and that’s the sort of crazy, absurd humour I like. Well, I'm at loggerheads with everyone else here, but the part about the girlfriend was the best. The slice with OC rambling was the least satisfying. This is too much of an inside joke and doesn't fit into the context.
Jasper is male or female?
won't finish atop my slate, but i think i can let it slip in the upper half.
or not… :P
Jasper is male or female?
won't finish atop my slate, but i think i can let it slip in the upper half.
or not… :P
This is the second Emotionally Vulnerable Celestia Deals With Post-Sunset/Pre-Twilight Anxiety story that I've read for this contest. I guess sun-themed characters lend themselves well to a prompt like "morning after."
I'd agree with Foehn about having other characters interact with Celestia. Specifically, maybe working Filly!Twilight into the story instead of just having her be a foreboding offscreen presence for Celestia to panic about whilst scrubbing her horse-chompers.Maybe Twilight says and does adorable precocious pony things which remind her of Sunset and trigger italicized flashback moments? I dunno.
I didn't dislike this! The prose is a little bouncy, heavy with the physicality, like others have said, but it's not actually bad. Just... overladen. Like a well-dressed salad that has a surplus of bacon bits. It's not bad; it could just do with fewer bacon bits.
I'd agree with Foehn about having other characters interact with Celestia. Specifically, maybe working Filly!Twilight into the story instead of just having her be a foreboding offscreen presence for Celestia to panic about whilst scrubbing her horse-chompers.Maybe Twilight says and does adorable precocious pony things which remind her of Sunset and trigger italicized flashback moments? I dunno.
I didn't dislike this! The prose is a little bouncy, heavy with the physicality, like others have said, but it's not actually bad. Just... overladen. Like a well-dressed salad that has a surplus of bacon bits. It's not bad; it could just do with fewer bacon bits.
>>FanOfMostEverything My first thought was that it was the Tantabus, yeah, but as the story kept going, I changed my interpretation to a Luna-centric, pony-themed version of Inside-Out. Luna's emotions manifest in her brain and argue while she sleeps and dreams of magic sheep.
I don't mean for that to sound disparaging; I liked this quite a lot. For all of the reasons stated above.
I don't mean for that to sound disparaging; I liked this quite a lot. For all of the reasons stated above.
Imma be a bad wolf pony and take a short break from grading to do some more reading and reviews. :V
I like this. It might use a little edit tweaking, but I have no specific recommendations to make it better. I'd like to see a little more depth on the message-y bits you barely hit upon near the end, though.
After the event, you'd better add a few words and put this up on FF. :V
(Also I hope Derpy is alright. Derpy is best Derpy.)
After the event, you'd better add a few words and put this up on FF. :V
(Also I hope Derpy is alright. Derpy is best Derpy.)
>>Posh
Since Berry's looking for action, I don't see why she'd need to be convinced with a pickup line.
Since Berry's looking for action, I don't see why she'd need to be convinced with a pickup line.
Celestia is a very difficult pony to write internal monologue for. She's heavily guarded, and there aren't a lot of ways to paint a mindset for her that feel like they comport with canon.
The headcanon displayed here about Celestia is this story, and I'm not quite feeling it. I need to understand more about her motivations than what you've given me. Even though we're inside Celie's head, we don't get to see any specific reasons why she doesn't enjoy ruling. We're given the sense that she's been doing this for over a millennium and rueing every minute of it, but why? What is it she hates so much? This is a rare moment where she isn't the center of attention, which I think unintentionally undercuts the message.
Celestia could have appointed a government and left the crowd centuries ago if she didn't enjoy ruling from the very beginning. There wasn't a need for her to be head of state for centuries running. I don't buy this unless she's undergone a change over time, and that isn't the message I'm getting. She's been a willing head of state for a very long time and canonically shows no signs of disliking her job other than occasional boredom (shown several times on the show)—and her description of an idyllic retirement in total isolation sounds even more boring than her current job, which makes it difficult for me to swallow.
I don't think the headcanon here is impossible, but it needs to be thought through and supported more than it currently is.
The headcanon displayed here about Celestia is this story, and I'm not quite feeling it. I need to understand more about her motivations than what you've given me. Even though we're inside Celie's head, we don't get to see any specific reasons why she doesn't enjoy ruling. We're given the sense that she's been doing this for over a millennium and rueing every minute of it, but why? What is it she hates so much? This is a rare moment where she isn't the center of attention, which I think unintentionally undercuts the message.
Celestia could have appointed a government and left the crowd centuries ago if she didn't enjoy ruling from the very beginning. There wasn't a need for her to be head of state for centuries running. I don't buy this unless she's undergone a change over time, and that isn't the message I'm getting. She's been a willing head of state for a very long time and canonically shows no signs of disliking her job other than occasional boredom (shown several times on the show)—and her description of an idyllic retirement in total isolation sounds even more boring than her current job, which makes it difficult for me to swallow.
I don't think the headcanon here is impossible, but it needs to be thought through and supported more than it currently is.
First, a word: please be careful not to DQ yourself, even if you're not confident in or feel bad about your work.
I don't assume you did so intentionally. But for a time, we had an author who would repeatedly, intentionally DQ themself (it became obvious after the second time, let alone the third). I don't remember what happened in the end, but it was super-annoying while it lasted.
Again, I assume it was a mistake here. You produced something interesting and I'm glad you joined the competition. :twilightsmile:
Now, actual critique. :V
It's hard to do exposition through dialogue without it seeming unnatural, and this seems unnatural. The sentence is too long and detailed to be part of natural conversation. Since we're seeing third-pony-Luna-perspective here, this information could be stated more naturally outside of dialogue.
A little too much, here: I would not have added the last two sentences, because the first one adequately conveys the meaning. Try to make things more subtle and trust the readers to pick up on what you're saying.
...most of my feedback would continue along these lines, so I won't repeat the above critiques. I think the biggest problem is Luna's dialogue which is too exposition-y.
Can you actually clench your teeth hard enough to draw blood from the gums? That seems unrealistic.
That sounds highly out-of-character for the "clueless robot" character you've been painting thus far.
This is the most intriguing part of the story, and the part I'd like to see more of. You could drastically reduce the dialogue between Luna and robot and give us more meat directly. Don't tell us about Luna's situation: show us. Show-don't-tell is something you should work on (as all authors should).
I don't assume you did so intentionally. But for a time, we had an author who would repeatedly, intentionally DQ themself (it became obvious after the second time, let alone the third). I don't remember what happened in the end, but it was super-annoying while it lasted.
Again, I assume it was a mistake here. You produced something interesting and I'm glad you joined the competition. :twilightsmile:
Now, actual critique. :V
"I just woke up after seeing my last body turned to fine red ash after I got blasted by a beam of pure arcana."
It's hard to do exposition through dialogue without it seeming unnatural, and this seems unnatural. The sentence is too long and detailed to be part of natural conversation. Since we're seeing third-pony-Luna-perspective here, this information could be stated more naturally outside of dialogue.
...she felt a heavy pang on her chest just thinking about it. She still had a hard time believing it had happened. She had to fight the urge to tear up.
A little too much, here: I would not have added the last two sentences, because the first one adequately conveys the meaning. Try to make things more subtle and trust the readers to pick up on what you're saying.
...most of my feedback would continue along these lines, so I won't repeat the above critiques. I think the biggest problem is Luna's dialogue which is too exposition-y.
Can you actually clench your teeth hard enough to draw blood from the gums? That seems unrealistic.
"I understand how inconvenient this all must be..."
That sounds highly out-of-character for the "clueless robot" character you've been painting thus far.
Without an answer, the only thing she could do was move forward. Move forward and get a little further before she died.
This is the most intriguing part of the story, and the part I'd like to see more of. You could drastically reduce the dialogue between Luna and robot and give us more meat directly. Don't tell us about Luna's situation: show us. Show-don't-tell is something you should work on (as all authors should).
I will be tackling my review and/or critique a bit differently than what I'm used to doing. I've decided, since everyone's got a good handle of talking about conflict, characterization, and that sort of thing, to focus instead on the prose itself. In this critique, I will be attempting to examine how the word choice, sentence structure, order of events, and point of view influence the tone of the story, based on what it's trying to accomplish (from my perspective). Take this however you will.
For those looking for my general thoughts on this story, here it is: the conflict between Luna and the Nightmare spirit is contrastingly outstanding. It told enough about the world to show us the severity of her/their actions, and it displays each one's philosophy nicely. Criticisms from me include questionable word choices, and a few moments where I felt the point of view was confused. Overall, a great story throughout.
And author, whoever you may be, the criticisms I have aren't meant to be discouraging; they are merely my observations, and my attempts to extrapolate what I liked and didn't like, and why I felt it hurt the tone and events of the story. Take them for however you will, but please keep that in mind.
Firstly, I'll commend the point of view. The dueling personalities was delicious (for lack of a better word) to read, and the contrast between a forlorn, musing Luna and the bitter, vengeful Nightmare spirit made for a great internal conflict. The prose itself switched between calm introspection and vitriol; the word choice conveyed a lot of that, and the pacing switched each on a dime to create a nice suspense.
These, in particular, were moments I felt stand out. The interruptions really help the conflict, showing how little say Luna has since she infused herself with the Nightmare spirit. That single "Rapture" all by itself was very poignant, a slight break from what came before that makes it all the more menacing. Fantastic job! If I were being nitpicky (which I will be, by just saying this), I would question why Celestia prevented them from achieving her true potential, instead of either preventing herfrom achieving her true potential, or preventing them from achieving their true potential. To me, it doesn't make sense from the Nightmare's perspective; why simultaneously force them together (us) and separate them (your)? I would also nitpick that I don't see the descriptive value of "darkness, by merely existing" when something like "constant darkness," "overwheming darkness," "vast darkness," or "prolonged darkness" would've driven the enhancement of light a clearer picture.
But those nitpicks could just be me. The point of view is carried through very well in the majority of the story, and their dueling personalities, peppered with the cajoling from the Nightmare spirit ("Accept me into your heart, and we as one can accomplish astonishing acts.") made for an incredible dynamic.
With that being said, there was one place that In felt like the Nightmare spirit said something odd.
I don't know if birthrights are applicable to this mindset. She wanted appreciation and equality, I would think. Even if it is the Nightmare Spirit that wants the Earth by birthright, how would it convince Luna to accept that? Wouldn't it be Celestia's birthright, since she's older? What birthright does the Nightmare Spirit possess? I apologize if I missed something, but I felt that not only was that confusing, but it muddled up the point of view; I don't know if the Nightmare Spirit said this to Luna, or if it was talking to itself.
I would like to get as much value out of my comment as possible, so I'm going to add this nitpick that you are totally free to ignore:
In the show, we know that Princess Luna didn't feel appreciated enough, and that she was being completely overshadowed by Celestia. With any other character, I could understand wanting respect back, but given what happens in the show, it would make more sense that she would want respect, period. Unless... there were ponies that respected her before, but just not enough to make her feel equal or important; or maybe her importance was acknowledged, but not appreciated like her sister's and—GAH! Okay, take the above whinging for whatever it's worth.
Sentence structure next. I appreciate how the sentences are paced, switching from philosophical musing that's bound to occur from being on the Moon, to quick bursts of emotion that help give the conflict its passion.
I think this greatly helps the tone and tension, since the reflection that Luna so desperately needs to do, wants to do for herself and everyone else, is constantly interrupted by the violent Nightmare spirit and her own emotions. It gives the story a liveliness, a dynamic struggle to steer us along, a conflict to get through without succumbing to the hatred. I don't have any complaints about sentence structuring.
I think the progression the story goes through is natural, and presents each moment in a significant manner. It begins with musing about herself, and then about the world around her, and then the world below her, and her future. It moves from the past to present to future, presenting the weight of each piece nicely. Luna's able to look back mournfully while the Nightmare spirit lingers in anger at being defeated so. In the present, Luna's able to attempt to calm her mind, while the Nightmare spirit takes the opportunity to get Luna to join in her anger. At future thoughts, Luna yearns for better times, while the Nightmare spirits wants vengeance. This also lends to the dynamic conflict the two entities are going through, so very nice job!
The last thing I'd like to talk about is the word choice. I like the simplistic, and yet poetic, words you gave Luna and the Nightmare spirit. Luna's words are calm and allow for deep thought, while the Nightmare spirit's Rapture, perfection, vacuous, birthright (even though it doesn't fit in the story, I don't think) and accept (yes, I went out of order. I'm sorry) are all striking words that fight to gain momentum towards revenge.
However, I do think that a lot of words used weren't used well. The word choice in many places is the biggest thing I would criticize about this particular story. Luna wanted appreciation and equality, and believes herself just; why would she ask who she wanted to subjugate? Why would she say that she worked through a pure act of will when working by force would've been more applicable to what happened? If the Nightmare spirit tried to help Luna accept her, why would it claim that it was superlative to her (I could see that, at least, if it's implied that it doesn't really care about her), and that she had to negotiate perfection? Why, if the Nightmare spirit is so focused on getting revenge and obliterating daylight, does it tell Luna that they can merely do astonishing acts together (this is less word-usage, admittedly, and more weakly applicable to the moment)?
There were a few other wording issues/nitpicks I had (that may or may not be valid). I didn't like the words "singular drive"; singular sounds too proper and not very emotional, while drive doesn't exactly fit with what she's feeling (I think; I'll admit that the connotation of "drive" isn't completely clear to me), and I think "single desire" would've worked better. "Prison-throne" sounds like you tried including two concepts, one of entrapment and one of dominance, and as it's written it sounds odd (perhaps putting throne in bolded italics would've helped?). I don't like how you use "vantage point"; it sounds too remote and technical. I don't like how you added "calmly" to "conversed", like you were trying to offer up an obvious solution, thus blunting the confusion and struggle. "Treachery" has the same issue, making her thoughts too black-and-white for what happened here (unless it's to signal that she's recognized the evil of the nightmare for what it truly is; in which case, good job).
That's it for my nitpicks. They may not be applicable to the story or your writing style; those were just my observations on how words were used. They're individual cases, however, in a bulk that does work. The poetic nature of the words used in introspection, pondering, and lashing out works most of the time, and the word choice was really good. The above were just places where I thought the tone was thrown off, and the overall message was muddled.
One last criticism/nitpick/gargling:
I don't know if it's just because Nightmare Moon was associated with ponies, and the story focused on the night and the ponies' perception of it, but this stuck out to me as something that didn't fit. It's poetic, nearly biblical in the way it was written, but it doesn't fit here, IMHO.
Overall, I do think this was a great story throughout. The dueling personalities trying to simultaneously merge and separate is a great conflict, each voice is distinct, each point of view sharply defined, the tragedy and danger of it all really nice, and the wording consistent. There were those places where I felt the word choice was off, and the characters weren't being true to the situation, but I won't say they detract from the overall story. Overall, I would give this a high recommendation.
And once again, please don't be discouraged if you're prone to being so. These are merely my observations, take them with a grain of salt.
For those looking for my general thoughts on this story, here it is: the conflict between Luna and the Nightmare spirit is contrastingly outstanding. It told enough about the world to show us the severity of her/their actions, and it displays each one's philosophy nicely. Criticisms from me include questionable word choices, and a few moments where I felt the point of view was confused. Overall, a great story throughout.
And author, whoever you may be, the criticisms I have aren't meant to be discouraging; they are merely my observations, and my attempts to extrapolate what I liked and didn't like, and why I felt it hurt the tone and events of the story. Take them for however you will, but please keep that in mind.
Firstly, I'll commend the point of view. The dueling personalities was delicious (for lack of a better word) to read, and the contrast between a forlorn, musing Luna and the bitter, vengeful Nightmare spirit made for a great internal conflict. The prose itself switched between calm introspection and vitriol; the word choice conveyed a lot of that, and the pacing switched each on a dime to create a nice suspense.
Was it my sister, who prevented us from fulfilling your true potential, or was it the vacuous populace who cannot appreciate the beauty of darkness!
Yes, I wanted them to see how darkness, by merely existing, enhances the appreciation of what little light there is, be it a candle or the Moon gleaming off of a pond. After all, what is the night without the day to complement it?
Rapture.
These, in particular, were moments I felt stand out. The interruptions really help the conflict, showing how little say Luna has since she infused herself with the Nightmare spirit. That single "Rapture" all by itself was very poignant, a slight break from what came before that makes it all the more menacing. Fantastic job! If I were being nitpicky (which I will be, by just saying this), I would question why Celestia prevented them from achieving her true potential, instead of either preventing herfrom achieving her true potential, or preventing them from achieving their true potential. To me, it doesn't make sense from the Nightmare's perspective; why simultaneously force them together (us) and separate them (your)? I would also nitpick that I don't see the descriptive value of "darkness, by merely existing" when something like "constant darkness," "overwheming darkness," "vast darkness," or "prolonged darkness" would've driven the enhancement of light a clearer picture.
But those nitpicks could just be me. The point of view is carried through very well in the majority of the story, and their dueling personalities, peppered with the cajoling from the Nightmare spirit ("Accept me into your heart, and we as one can accomplish astonishing acts.") made for an incredible dynamic.
With that being said, there was one place that In felt like the Nightmare spirit said something odd.
I felt that ponies could not treasure the inherent duality in our existence. Looking upon the Earth now, soaked in both day and night simultaneously, I cannot help but think that the entirety of it is my birthright.
I don't know if birthrights are applicable to this mindset. She wanted appreciation and equality, I would think. Even if it is the Nightmare Spirit that wants the Earth by birthright, how would it convince Luna to accept that? Wouldn't it be Celestia's birthright, since she's older? What birthright does the Nightmare Spirit possess? I apologize if I missed something, but I felt that not only was that confusing, but it muddled up the point of view; I don't know if the Nightmare Spirit said this to Luna, or if it was talking to itself.
I would like to get as much value out of my comment as possible, so I'm going to add this nitpick that you are totally free to ignore:
… I want my life back. I want my respect back. I want my sister back. Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus was a grave error. The morning after my banishment concludes―
In the show, we know that Princess Luna didn't feel appreciated enough, and that she was being completely overshadowed by Celestia. With any other character, I could understand wanting respect back, but given what happens in the show, it would make more sense that she would want respect, period. Unless... there were ponies that respected her before, but just not enough to make her feel equal or important; or maybe her importance was acknowledged, but not appreciated like her sister's and—GAH! Okay, take the above whinging for whatever it's worth.
Sentence structure next. I appreciate how the sentences are paced, switching from philosophical musing that's bound to occur from being on the Moon, to quick bursts of emotion that help give the conflict its passion.
As I witness the Earth rise from my Lunar prison-throne, I cannot help but muse just exactly what we aimed to subjugate.
Was it my sister, who prevented us from fulfilling your true potential,
After all, what is the night without the day to complement it?
Rapture.
There will be no morning after the banishment concludes.
…
…
…
What have I done?
I think this greatly helps the tone and tension, since the reflection that Luna so desperately needs to do, wants to do for herself and everyone else, is constantly interrupted by the violent Nightmare spirit and her own emotions. It gives the story a liveliness, a dynamic struggle to steer us along, a conflict to get through without succumbing to the hatred. I don't have any complaints about sentence structuring.
I think the progression the story goes through is natural, and presents each moment in a significant manner. It begins with musing about herself, and then about the world around her, and then the world below her, and her future. It moves from the past to present to future, presenting the weight of each piece nicely. Luna's able to look back mournfully while the Nightmare spirit lingers in anger at being defeated so. In the present, Luna's able to attempt to calm her mind, while the Nightmare spirit takes the opportunity to get Luna to join in her anger. At future thoughts, Luna yearns for better times, while the Nightmare spirits wants vengeance. This also lends to the dynamic conflict the two entities are going through, so very nice job!
The last thing I'd like to talk about is the word choice. I like the simplistic, and yet poetic, words you gave Luna and the Nightmare spirit. Luna's words are calm and allow for deep thought, while the Nightmare spirit's Rapture, perfection, vacuous, birthright (even though it doesn't fit in the story, I don't think) and accept (yes, I went out of order. I'm sorry) are all striking words that fight to gain momentum towards revenge.
However, I do think that a lot of words used weren't used well. The word choice in many places is the biggest thing I would criticize about this particular story. Luna wanted appreciation and equality, and believes herself just; why would she ask who she wanted to subjugate? Why would she say that she worked through a pure act of will when working by force would've been more applicable to what happened? If the Nightmare spirit tried to help Luna accept her, why would it claim that it was superlative to her (I could see that, at least, if it's implied that it doesn't really care about her), and that she had to negotiate perfection? Why, if the Nightmare spirit is so focused on getting revenge and obliterating daylight, does it tell Luna that they can merely do astonishing acts together (this is less word-usage, admittedly, and more weakly applicable to the moment)?
There were a few other wording issues/nitpicks I had (that may or may not be valid). I didn't like the words "singular drive"; singular sounds too proper and not very emotional, while drive doesn't exactly fit with what she's feeling (I think; I'll admit that the connotation of "drive" isn't completely clear to me), and I think "single desire" would've worked better. "Prison-throne" sounds like you tried including two concepts, one of entrapment and one of dominance, and as it's written it sounds odd (perhaps putting throne in bolded italics would've helped?). I don't like how you use "vantage point"; it sounds too remote and technical. I don't like how you added "calmly" to "conversed", like you were trying to offer up an obvious solution, thus blunting the confusion and struggle. "Treachery" has the same issue, making her thoughts too black-and-white for what happened here (unless it's to signal that she's recognized the evil of the nightmare for what it truly is; in which case, good job).
That's it for my nitpicks. They may not be applicable to the story or your writing style; those were just my observations on how words were used. They're individual cases, however, in a bulk that does work. The poetic nature of the words used in introspection, pondering, and lashing out works most of the time, and the word choice was really good. The above were just places where I thought the tone was thrown off, and the overall message was muddled.
One last criticism/nitpick/gargling:
I cannot help but dream of my ascendancy over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.
I don't know if it's just because Nightmare Moon was associated with ponies, and the story focused on the night and the ponies' perception of it, but this stuck out to me as something that didn't fit. It's poetic, nearly biblical in the way it was written, but it doesn't fit here, IMHO.
Overall, I do think this was a great story throughout. The dueling personalities trying to simultaneously merge and separate is a great conflict, each voice is distinct, each point of view sharply defined, the tragedy and danger of it all really nice, and the wording consistent. There were those places where I felt the word choice was off, and the characters weren't being true to the situation, but I won't say they detract from the overall story. Overall, I would give this a high recommendation.
And once again, please don't be discouraged if you're prone to being so. These are merely my observations, take them with a grain of salt.
>>Trick_Question
Hmm, I'm getting more uphooves for "I'm going to write reviews" than my actual reviews. :V
Hopefully I'm not accidentally being to harsh and pissing everypony off. :fluttershyouch: I tend to be direct in a way that can make my review seem like I hated a story, when in truth I enjoy virtually all of them.
Hmm, I'm getting more uphooves for "I'm going to write reviews" than my actual reviews. :V
Hopefully I'm not accidentally being to harsh and pissing everypony off. :fluttershyouch: I tend to be direct in a way that can make my review seem like I hated a story, when in truth I enjoy virtually all of them.
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." – Fred Allen
*opens mouth to offer criticism*
*sees everyone else has said it already*
*shuts mouth and mumbles threats of retribution under breath*
May I just add that, while the imagery in Scootaloo'shighly improbable flight sequence is lovely for the most part, you have a few instances of unusual language that carries connotations you might not have intended. I don't know why the snowy mountains are personified as angry. The forest is supposed to be pretty and serene, and yet, whoop! Angry mountains. What are they angry about? Are they angry at Sweetie Belle? How long before Sweetie Belle gets into a tiff with the mountains and storms off to build a treehouse in a different forest?
*sees everyone else has said it already*
*shuts mouth and mumbles threats of retribution under breath*
May I just add that, while the imagery in Scootaloo's
The premise of this fic is a good one. There are lots of EQG inconsistencies to exploit, but this is one of the best I've seen lately. (My first fic for this competition was going to be an EQG fic on a similar inconsistency, but after four hours of writing and almost finishing it, it wasn't building a message that meant something to me, so I scrapped it.)
I'm curious how the CMC managed to become penpals. I realize that in a fic this size that's not likely to be touched upon, but I'd like to know that the author thought this through before the fact...
With this one sentence, you accidentally changed from rainbow-person Cheerilee's perspective to third-pony-omniscient, which was a big mistake. If you start with the perspective inside rainbow-person Cheerilee's head, and you're focusing on the story through her eyes, stay there. (Until the section break, of course.)
But I suppose you might have meant to write, "It seemed to make her feel uncomfortable.", which would have worked.
Anyway, the main problem I see is there's a little too much telliness from Cheerilee's perspective. I think you should reduce the quantity of value judgments we're getting directly from Cheerilee's headspace—save some of that stuff for the reader to interpret. Even if you're inside her head, you should try in most cases to show us what we (the readers) should feel rather than tell us what we should be thinking or feeling.
Did you intend for the line break to pull the sentence apart like that? It's kind of cool, but too distracting. It would work if it had a much deeper meaning or some other special importance to it.
I think the ending is a little weak, even though it isn't a bad ending—it's just very short and tells us something we already knew. I'd like a little more than this to go on, like a plan, or maybe just a sign that there's more brewing. I'd expect Cheerilee to contact somepony else on the EQG side before crossing over.
I'm curious how the CMC managed to become penpals. I realize that in a fic this size that's not likely to be touched upon, but I'd like to know that the author thought this through before the fact...
It made her feel uncomfortable.
With this one sentence, you accidentally changed from rainbow-person Cheerilee's perspective to third-pony-omniscient, which was a big mistake. If you start with the perspective inside rainbow-person Cheerilee's head, and you're focusing on the story through her eyes, stay there. (Until the section break, of course.)
But I suppose you might have meant to write, "It seemed to make her feel uncomfortable.", which would have worked.
Anyway, the main problem I see is there's a little too much telliness from Cheerilee's perspective. I think you should reduce the quantity of value judgments we're getting directly from Cheerilee's headspace—save some of that stuff for the reader to interpret. Even if you're inside her head, you should try in most cases to show us what we (the readers) should feel rather than tell us what we should be thinking or feeling.
Did you intend for the line break to pull the sentence apart like that? It's kind of cool, but too distracting. It would work if it had a much deeper meaning or some other special importance to it.
I think the ending is a little weak, even though it isn't a bad ending—it's just very short and tells us something we already knew. I'd like a little more than this to go on, like a plan, or maybe just a sign that there's more brewing. I'd expect Cheerilee to contact somepony else on the EQG side before crossing over.
I really like this. It fits the prompt and the FiM slice of life setting perfectly. It's sweet and romantic, with a hint of melancholy that rings true for me.
Cranky had nothing left to say and neither do I. Bravo.
Cranky had nothing left to say and neither do I. Bravo.
Violet bit her lip and looked down. “Yeah, I mean, I guess I didn’t have the best day out there training today. I’m not the worst flyer, but I’m also not the best.” She raised her head, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “But, I’ll keep trying! Dedication is the key, right?”
“Right, dedication.” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Yeah. Never give up. All that stuff.”
Also, get Big Mac as your flying coach. That helps a lot.
I can't help but feel as if Violet gets over her star-struckedness a little too quickly. She converses easily with Dashie after a moment of awkwardness, and Dashie, for her part, opens up to her way too easily.
Y'know when you meet someone you admire, and you can't help being star-struck and acting like an awkward mess of a bundle of nerves and embarrassing yourself with everything you say and do? That's how I'd expect Violet to act, especially given her initial bottle-droppies. You set her up as acting awkwardly in Dashie's presence, and I wish you'd kept that behavior consistent throughout the scene.
As for Dashie, it's not the fact that she opens up that throws me. It's that it's very... explicit would be the word, I suppose. I could see it working if their conversation was about something else entirely, and Dashie's real meaning (her doubts and self-reproach) were subtextual
>>Trick_Question
I dunno, man, when I write something I don't feel great about, I find that a little Dairy Queen perks me right up. But you're right about needing to be careful with it; those calories do add up.
First, a word: please be careful not to DQ yourself, even if you're not confident in or feel bad about your work.
I dunno, man, when I write something I don't feel great about, I find that a little Dairy Queen perks me right up. But you're right about needing to be careful with it; those calories do add up.
The Princess gave the matte little thought.
Isn't it awesome when those composite shots blend seamlessly together? ;D
I tease, but really, this could have used an editing pass; there are quite a few little errors that took me out of the story.
The premise is unclear from the get-go (besides the Nightmare Moon confusion, I join the others in asking why Sunset is dead and who her father is?) and the amount of time we spend in Celestia's head, hearing her thoughts in first-person, makes me wonder why you didn't just go that route for the whole story.
EDIT: Subtle detail I liked: She spends the day in the western tour, specifically. The western tower. In the direction of the setting sun.
You're smart. You're a smart person.
Most of the commenters have the correct interpretation: this takes place right after Twilight's acceptance as Celestia's personal student, and the conflict is she still isn't able to say goodbye to Sunset Shimmer after they left on bad terms, and Sunset has not contacted her since then.
The story is good. The only problem is the emotion here is turned up past 11. It's overdone to a point where it becomes eye-rolling. I feel for these characters, and so I feel the emotions, but you just went a little too far with the descriptions. It sounds like Celestia is having a dozen seizures and pining the death of everypony she's ever known and loved.
Dial it back a notch. Give the audience more subtle cues to Celestia's emotional state, and let us figure some of it out by ourselves rather than rub it in our faces like this. If you do that, this can be an excellent story.
The story is good. The only problem is the emotion here is turned up past 11. It's overdone to a point where it becomes eye-rolling. I feel for these characters, and so I feel the emotions, but you just went a little too far with the descriptions. It sounds like Celestia is having a dozen seizures and pining the death of everypony she's ever known and loved.
Dial it back a notch. Give the audience more subtle cues to Celestia's emotional state, and let us figure some of it out by ourselves rather than rub it in our faces like this. If you do that, this can be an excellent story.
Her thoughts were sluggish, as if her brain had not yet found back all its purchase on reality.
It's a challenge, but I'd recommend you try to show us this rather than tell us. Look at some of the other fics in this contest that start with the "where the buck am I" trope, because a few of them are doing it really well. This can give you ideas on how to improve the approach.
(This one seems to be the least original of the tropes this time around, or else I've hit an unusually large chunk of them in a row—and there's nothing wrong with that, but everypony seemed to go the "where the buck" route. There are far fewer of the drunk-sex ones I expected (so far), but I guess I should have anticipated authors would be reserved on that topic.)
I don't think "hoary" is a more severe adjective than "ancient". That said, for the stones which were "ancient" but didn't qualify as "hoary", how could you tell they were ancient...? :V
If you're going to use descriptors like "hoary" (which are good and show-y), you should stick with show-y ones rather than mix them with telly ones like "ancient".
I think it might be better just to try to cut some length from the opening, because creative cutting will force out more show, letting the reader do more of the interpretations.
There's some telliness in the dialogue as well. Princess Exposition and Princess Plotpoint (hee hee, that one sounds naughty) are speaking in a way that seems unnatural from the depth of exposition and how directly it falls on the reader.
The ending here is really unsatisfying for me. It doesn't explain why the Princesses bothered to show up at all if they had no way to return Twilight to life, and we don't get any detail on the "legend". It especially doesn't make sense if this is supposed to have happened in the distant past. It's like they finally found the place she died, just to say 'okay bye' and leave, and I'm not sure what motivated the search or trip.
In a larger sense: what's the message here, besides 'sad'...?
>>Trick_Question
I've been reading everyone else's reviews for stories I've looked at (not that many so far, sadly), and I think the reviews I've read by you seem very helpful, not harsh at all. They're the kind of reviews I most like to get, since they give details of what actually worked for the reader and what didn't, and have specific sections to focus on and different ways to approach problem sections, etc. I won't say whether you've gotten to my fic yet, because I don't want to compromise my anonymity, but I hope you and everyone else keep the reviews up. Speaking from my experience as a newbie writer, the more feedback, the better! And as a newbie, I know I really need the help!
I've been reading everyone else's reviews for stories I've looked at (not that many so far, sadly), and I think the reviews I've read by you seem very helpful, not harsh at all. They're the kind of reviews I most like to get, since they give details of what actually worked for the reader and what didn't, and have specific sections to focus on and different ways to approach problem sections, etc. I won't say whether you've gotten to my fic yet, because I don't want to compromise my anonymity, but I hope you and everyone else keep the reviews up. Speaking from my experience as a newbie writer, the more feedback, the better! And as a newbie, I know I really need the help!
Genre: Teaser trailer
Thoughts: Bravo for an excellent casting choice; I see a lot that could be teased out of Discord helpingmake the Sirens Great Again. The story sets that hook pretty well, and I'd like to see where it goes from here.
My rating has less to do with my interest level than the fact that I'm looking for complete stories and finding this only the beginning of one.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Bravo for an excellent casting choice; I see a lot that could be teased out of Discord helping
My rating has less to do with my interest level than the fact that I'm looking for complete stories and finding this only the beginning of one.
Tier: Needs Work
Recordings!
Of four live readings and three discussions that we did before I departed to attend a controlled exsanguination.
We read:
Entering and Breaking
Scorpion Days
The Princess Sleeps
After Party
We also discussed them, but I left directly after reading After Party, so it only has the reading recorded.
There were also readings after I left, but I wasn't there to record them. I apologize.
This is a link to the google Docs folder where you can download them as MP3's.
Of four live readings and three discussions that we did before I departed to attend a controlled exsanguination.
We read:
Entering and Breaking
Scorpion Days
The Princess Sleeps
After Party
We also discussed them, but I left directly after reading After Party, so it only has the reading recorded.
There were also readings after I left, but I wasn't there to record them. I apologize.
This is a link to the google Docs folder where you can download them as MP3's.
Genre: Parable about there not being a quick fix for life, and also immigration, and ponies?
Thoughts: First, let me confess that I've never read the Conversion Bureau. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in the fandom yet back when it was first a thing, and I haven't had occasion to go back and catch up on it. With that said, I managed to go with what was happening: Guy hates his crap life and gets himself turned into a horse; guy subsequently discovers that being a horse doesn't magically fix his life. This could have some higher-strung emotional tension as it delivered that message, but at least it makes sense thematically.
The one thing I couldn't get into here was why the guy's boss was suddenly in his room. There was neither enough humor nor enough rationale presented to push me past the WTF reflex when that happened. But, while it was weird, and while the rest of the story was a bit talking-heads-y, I think it actually comes close to delivering a complete-ish story arc. It needs a lot of tightening-up, especially because I think some of the later dialogue is supposed to be humorous, and it's currently misfiring. But part of the reason why I'm dumping on this a bit is because I think it's close to working, and it's driving me to distraction trying to figure out how exactly I'd recommend tuning it up.
Also, >>Monokeras:
All I can think of is this
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: First, let me confess that I've never read the Conversion Bureau. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in the fandom yet back when it was first a thing, and I haven't had occasion to go back and catch up on it. With that said, I managed to go with what was happening: Guy hates his crap life and gets himself turned into a horse; guy subsequently discovers that being a horse doesn't magically fix his life. This could have some higher-strung emotional tension as it delivered that message, but at least it makes sense thematically.
The one thing I couldn't get into here was why the guy's boss was suddenly in his room. There was neither enough humor nor enough rationale presented to push me past the WTF reflex when that happened. But, while it was weird, and while the rest of the story was a bit talking-heads-y, I think it actually comes close to delivering a complete-ish story arc. It needs a lot of tightening-up, especially because I think some of the later dialogue is supposed to be humorous, and it's currently misfiring. But part of the reason why I'm dumping on this a bit is because I think it's close to working, and it's driving me to distraction trying to figure out how exactly I'd recommend tuning it up.
Also, >>Monokeras:
and good luck to punch on keyboard with hooves! :P
All I can think of is this
Tier: Almost There
>>ChappedPenguinLips
To be clear, I was unsure about the SCENT, not the SCENE. :p
Scene is just Twilight showing up for class the day after Sunset Shimmer departs. Celestia is super upset since she's got kind of a history with this, what with Luna and all. So the story is mostly just a picture of that, through filly Twilight's view.
To be clear, I was unsure about the SCENT, not the SCENE. :p
Scene is just Twilight showing up for class the day after Sunset Shimmer departs. Celestia is super upset since she's got kind of a history with this, what with Luna and all. So the story is mostly just a picture of that, through filly Twilight's view.
Very nice:
I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, author, and suggest adding scenes focusing on Twilight's other accomplishments. I'd even go so far as to have the story conclude with the two spending the night for the first time in Twilight's castle so you can get in their reactions to the battle with Tirek. The only thing that made me frown, in fact, was the recap at the end, the couple of lines where you tell us stuff we already saw not too many paragraphs before.
Mike
I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, author, and suggest adding scenes focusing on Twilight's other accomplishments. I'd even go so far as to have the story conclude with the two spending the night for the first time in Twilight's castle so you can get in their reactions to the battle with Tirek. The only thing that made me frown, in fact, was the recap at the end, the couple of lines where you tell us stuff we already saw not too many paragraphs before.
Mike
>>Kitcat36
My guess would be that it seemed that nobody was home. Her soul had been ripped out.
Anyway, I liked this one quite a lot. The language gave it a strong voice, and having Celestia speak using archaic forms and words was a way to show the contrast between the ruler a thousand years ago and the princess today.
I also concur with Trick that the part about the royal we was a wonderful touch.
As for the criticism, I fear I can offer only a vague sensation on what you could improve. It borders on useless from the wrong side to tell this, but I feel that the central turning point needs some tightening. The timing feels a bit off, and Celestia's recovery seem to happen one or two sentences too soon. Sorry for not being able to articulate it in some better way.
Very nice entry, beautiful story.
It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.
My guess would be that it seemed that nobody was home. Her soul had been ripped out.
Anyway, I liked this one quite a lot. The language gave it a strong voice, and having Celestia speak using archaic forms and words was a way to show the contrast between the ruler a thousand years ago and the princess today.
I also concur with Trick that the part about the royal we was a wonderful touch.
As for the criticism, I fear I can offer only a vague sensation on what you could improve. It borders on useless from the wrong side to tell this, but I feel that the central turning point needs some tightening. The timing feels a bit off, and Celestia's recovery seem to happen one or two sentences too soon. Sorry for not being able to articulate it in some better way.
Very nice entry, beautiful story.
>>FanOfMostEverything
It was a TCB fic? I got the impression Alfred had always been a pony and his old passport didn't work anymore because he blurted out his identity over the Internet.
But it being a TCB fic makes more sense overall.
It was a TCB fic? I got the impression Alfred had always been a pony and his old passport didn't work anymore because he blurted out his identity over the Internet.
But it being a TCB fic makes more sense overall.
This was certainly fun, and will end up quite high in my slate. I can’t say I’m fully satisfied because, as someone pointed out, the time travel loop is too readily accepted to be honest. But, granted, verisimilitude is not something we must look after in that sort of story.
Yet, I can’t help longing for a story who would’ve begun the same way, but with no time loop. Just Berry Punch chatting up whatever his name is (Dr Hooves?). Sounded fun enough without having to add another icing on top of it.
Will Berry end up in a three way with both Dr Hooves? :P
Yet, I can’t help longing for a story who would’ve begun the same way, but with no time loop. Just Berry Punch chatting up whatever his name is (Dr Hooves?). Sounded fun enough without having to add another icing on top of it.
Will Berry end up in a three way with both Dr Hooves? :P
Oh wow. What can I say after all that has been spelt out before?
I found the use of bold faces to be a little pushy. I wish you’d used italics instead.
But, otherwise, this somehow clashes headlong with my own headcanon, so while I can appreciate the story for what it is, I can’t really get involved in it. It’s a very well crafted interpretation of the Nightmare, just one I have a hard time to adhere to – it’s a bit alien to me. But I respect it, nevertheless! Wonderful depiction of the conflict.
I found the use of bold faces to be a little pushy. I wish you’d used italics instead.
But, otherwise, this somehow clashes headlong with my own headcanon, so while I can appreciate the story for what it is, I can’t really get involved in it. It’s a very well crafted interpretation of the Nightmare, just one I have a hard time to adhere to – it’s a bit alien to me. But I respect it, nevertheless! Wonderful depiction of the conflict.
I agree this sounds padded. Some quirks I noted:
It would be interesting to know why Sweetie had left for such a forlorn place, and why she suddenly accepts to change her mind and come back. As such, you lose precious space to describe the surroundings, but you leave the plot aside, and it’s sorely missing at the end.
Warm thermals rose: pleonasm. Did you ever see a cold thermal?
among the clouds and sun: sounds unbalanced – “among clouds and sun” or “among the clouds and the sun” perhaps?
Treetips: Treetops, I suppose
pushed out of the clearing: you describe her almost slinking through a shaft in the vegetation, yet you use the word “clearing” that suggests a wide open glade.
A moment later a rope flew out, followed by Sweetie, who shimmered down it like a monkey.: I suppose it’s “shimmied” you were looking for, here.
It would be interesting to know why Sweetie had left for such a forlorn place, and why she suddenly accepts to change her mind and come back. As such, you lose precious space to describe the surroundings, but you leave the plot aside, and it’s sorely missing at the end.
Amazing twist on the typical "this pony has an addiction problem." It's nice to see Berry on the other side of that table. Special thumbs up to Good Thyme. That might be one of my favorite names to date.
This was interesting. And once I connected Orchard Blossom to the relative episode it wasn't too confusing.
I really appreciate how you made a sweet tale out of this and how you told a complete story with still natural feeling dialogue.
There's not much I can say about it, except maybe rechecking the pronouns. While they made sense it was still jarring, which sometimes risks to pull the reader out of the story. Changing them more gradually or keeping it more contained may alleviate this. On the other hand, as they are now they kind of make a statement, so maybe you want to keep them as they are now.
Anyway, thank you for this.
I really appreciate how you made a sweet tale out of this and how you told a complete story with still natural feeling dialogue.
There's not much I can say about it, except maybe rechecking the pronouns. While they made sense it was still jarring, which sometimes risks to pull the reader out of the story. Changing them more gradually or keeping it more contained may alleviate this. On the other hand, as they are now they kind of make a statement, so maybe you want to keep them as they are now.
Anyway, thank you for this.
One of the few pieces I've read in my limited time here where the required brevity serves rather than hinders. Tight execution start to finish with nary a fault to be found, and a bonus check for a happy Cranky. Cheers.
Genre: Sweet romance with a twist
Thoughts: This is the first story here that I felt truly deserved a couple of re-reads. Of course it needs careful checking to make sure the pronouns and everything line up... which I think they actually do, now that I've been through it a couple times. But beyond the technical curiosities of this story are layers of characterization and mutual attraction that I find a lot more compelling than I would have expected if I had just heard a summary of what this story is about. And perhaps the truest testament is that I don't remotely ship these guys, but I can actually kind of see this making sense.
Bravo, author, for taking some less-used bits of canon and doing something so unexpectedly cozy with them.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: This is the first story here that I felt truly deserved a couple of re-reads. Of course it needs careful checking to make sure the pronouns and everything line up... which I think they actually do, now that I've been through it a couple times. But beyond the technical curiosities of this story are layers of characterization and mutual attraction that I find a lot more compelling than I would have expected if I had just heard a summary of what this story is about. And perhaps the truest testament is that I don't remotely ship these guys, but I can actually kind of see this making sense.
Bravo, author, for taking some less-used bits of canon and doing something so unexpectedly cozy with them.
Tier: Top Contender
As much as I like the description of the sky, it doesn’t sound a thing like Rainbow Dash.
Aside from that disconnect, this does what it sets out to do very well for the format. I’m a sucker for background information on the Starlight-spawned alternate timelines. However, once you have unlimited room, you’ll want to follow the others’ advice to flesh this out.
Aside from that disconnect, this does what it sets out to do very well for the format. I’m a sucker for background information on the Starlight-spawned alternate timelines. However, once you have unlimited room, you’ll want to follow the others’ advice to flesh this out.
You definitely could’ve put a bit more space between “I have to make this have never happened” and “I’m willing to risk it if it’s with you.” I can see both reactions from Starlight, but going from one to the other that quickly is a bit whiplash-inducing. Maybe even just have them hold one another for a while as Starlight decompresses and allows herself to think past her panicked first impulse.
Still, a very touching look at the formation of a very feasible couple.
Still, a very touching look at the formation of a very feasible couple.
I concur with >>Posh; spelling out the lasting emotional impact actually deadens it for the reader. Let the story of a young Twilight unknowingly confronting her first friendship problem stand on its own merits; it definitely can.
Oh, and one more note on the scent: Another way you could drive it home would be empty bottles strewn about the room.
Oh, and one more note on the scent: Another way you could drive it home would be empty bottles strewn about the room.
Hmm. Is the proper plural will-o’-the-wisps or wills-o’-the-wisp?
In any case, you’re clearly trying to extent your grasp of the language, and though a few phrases slip out of your fingers, I’d say you’re doing a good job of it. However, the story those phrases make up doesn’t really go anywhere. The bit with Luna dismissing Twilight’s voice as just the wind is either a baffling contradiction or her actively lying to help Celestia through the grieving process, and I’m not sure which is the case. And then there’s the question of what happens next. Does Twilight move on? Does she haunt this interesting but purposeless set piece for all time? You’ve left us hanging, and not in an especially intriguing way. You’ll need to do some work if you want to correct that.
In any case, you’re clearly trying to extent your grasp of the language, and though a few phrases slip out of your fingers, I’d say you’re doing a good job of it. However, the story those phrases make up doesn’t really go anywhere. The bit with Luna dismissing Twilight’s voice as just the wind is either a baffling contradiction or her actively lying to help Celestia through the grieving process, and I’m not sure which is the case. And then there’s the question of what happens next. Does Twilight move on? Does she haunt this interesting but purposeless set piece for all time? You’ve left us hanging, and not in an especially intriguing way. You’ll need to do some work if you want to correct that.
A strong story here. Took me a second to catch on to Berry's target being who he is, but that's all on me. The Doctor stepping into his own immediate past is a fun narrative choice, and Berry takes the weirdness like a champ, as drunks often do. Since she wakes up in his bed I feel like there's a glimmer of a chance she still got that itch taken care of...though the future Doctor explicitly withholds consent in the matter, present Doctor might not, so alcohol notwithstanding there's a bit of a moral quandary here.
I also might be thinking too hard. Either way, well done.
I also might be thinking too hard. Either way, well done.
Quality work, and I'm quite fine with this ship setting sail. Echoing the above though, it's a bit quick for Glim to go from "must undo this" to "just roll with it." Bringing it in a little on either end of the emotional spectrum would make it about perfect, I'd say.
>>Trick_Question
Ehi, this has nothing to do with a story, but I just wanted to say how happy I am to see you back, Trick :) :)
Ehi, this has nothing to do with a story, but I just wanted to say how happy I am to see you back, Trick :) :)