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Romancing an Alicorn
"Keep your tail straight, dear," Rarity said sharply as she brushed the mane of her son. "I want you to be at your best for the Princess’ visit."
"Geez, mom!" Gem pulled away. He hated being groomed. It was painful, and humiliating, and he preferred his mane waves instead of straight. "What's the big deal anyway? You see her all the time. Ouch!"
"Forgive me dear, but that's what happens when you don't stay still." The brush slid along his mane. "A visit from Princess Celestia is a great honour, even if she happens to be a close friend ours. Please remove those hideous gills from your neck."
"But, mooom!" Gem protested. "I'm boring without them!"
"Utter nonsense!" Rarity humphed. "No child of mine is going to be a mismatched mass of body parts! Your father and I raised you better than that!"
"Rarity," Spike stormed into the room. "The—"
"Spikey, this is hardly the time," the mare grumbled at him. "Can't you see I'm busy—" She froze. Spike was not alone. "Y-your Majesty." Rarity bowed, dropping the brush on Gem's head in the process.
Ouch, Mom! Gem snarled. That's it! The moment he turned around to leave, his body froze as well. This was the first time he'd seen the princess up close. Gem always considered himself beautiful, yet compared to her, he felt like an ugly duckling.
"I'm so glad that Spike greeted you—" Rarity raise her head "—without warning me" she finished with a slight hiss.
Gem tried not to snort. Oooh, you're in trouble now dad.
"My apologies, Rarity, but I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our dinner." Celestia stepped in. "I just wanted to tell you myself."
"Oh." Rarity's ears grouped down. She had been looking forward to the event for months. "Oh, we understand. At least Spike was thoughtful enough not to leave you waiting at the door." Rarity glared at the dragon silently shouting "you should still have warned me!" The dragon offered a guilty smile.
"Is this your son?" Celestia went up to Gem. "He certainly has grown into a fine young draconequus."
"Three parts donkey, one part mule," Rarity snorted.
I won't forget this, Mom! Gem pouted at her, green flames in his eyes.
"Is that the Element of Generosity being ungenerous?" Celestia laughed behind her hoof. "Just this once don't listen to your mother, Gem. She becomes spitefully faced with beauty greater than her own."
"Majesty!" Rarity gasped.
"Just a little good fun, my dear. It wouldn't be fare for Spike and Gem to be the only ones feeling uncomfortable."
Rarity frowned, a layer of blush covering her face. However, she couldn't hold a candle to Gem. The draconequus' entire coat was as pink as Pinkie Pie.
"Sadly, I must be on my way," Celestia sighed. "Thank you go—"
"Will I see you again?" Gem interrupted her, asking through his ears. The colour of his coat changed to crimson.
"I'll come to see you on the morning after, Gem." Celestia smiled and walked away, followed by Rarity who had already started discussions about the Princess next visit.
The morning after, Gem thought, his smile widening. She'll see me on the morning after.
"You’be go no chance?" Spike whispered once the mares had left the room.
"Thanks for the encouragement, Dad," Gem grumbled. As cool as his father was, he had both his honesty and common sense glands removed.
"No problem." Spike gave Gem a pat on the back. "Age difference is a b—" The dragon stopped abruptly. "A bad thing."
"You're eight years younger than mom, Dad." Gem rolled his eyes.
"Well, yeah, but it's not like it's a thousand," Spike countered. "Besides, I'm me. Let's go eat."
Gem didn't say a word. His mind was set. I'll find a way to make her like me if I have to twist time itself!
"Hello," the young alicorn approached. She had been noticing him for a while, yet only now finding the courage to address him. "Can I sit next to you?"
The creature smiled and moved aside. Celestia still wasn't clear what he was—dragon or stallion—she only that he would come every morning and watch the sunrise, longing in his eyes. He looked at her and nodded, shifting slightly to the side. Celestia let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm Celestia," she said joining him on the hill.
"I'm G— Discord," the creature smiled at her, then looked back at the sun. "I'm time's Discord."
"Geez, mom!" Gem pulled away. He hated being groomed. It was painful, and humiliating, and he preferred his mane waves instead of straight. "What's the big deal anyway? You see her all the time. Ouch!"
"Forgive me dear, but that's what happens when you don't stay still." The brush slid along his mane. "A visit from Princess Celestia is a great honour, even if she happens to be a close friend ours. Please remove those hideous gills from your neck."
"But, mooom!" Gem protested. "I'm boring without them!"
"Utter nonsense!" Rarity humphed. "No child of mine is going to be a mismatched mass of body parts! Your father and I raised you better than that!"
"Rarity," Spike stormed into the room. "The—"
"Spikey, this is hardly the time," the mare grumbled at him. "Can't you see I'm busy—" She froze. Spike was not alone. "Y-your Majesty." Rarity bowed, dropping the brush on Gem's head in the process.
Ouch, Mom! Gem snarled. That's it! The moment he turned around to leave, his body froze as well. This was the first time he'd seen the princess up close. Gem always considered himself beautiful, yet compared to her, he felt like an ugly duckling.
"I'm so glad that Spike greeted you—" Rarity raise her head "—without warning me" she finished with a slight hiss.
Gem tried not to snort. Oooh, you're in trouble now dad.
"My apologies, Rarity, but I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our dinner." Celestia stepped in. "I just wanted to tell you myself."
"Oh." Rarity's ears grouped down. She had been looking forward to the event for months. "Oh, we understand. At least Spike was thoughtful enough not to leave you waiting at the door." Rarity glared at the dragon silently shouting "you should still have warned me!" The dragon offered a guilty smile.
"Is this your son?" Celestia went up to Gem. "He certainly has grown into a fine young draconequus."
"Three parts donkey, one part mule," Rarity snorted.
I won't forget this, Mom! Gem pouted at her, green flames in his eyes.
"Is that the Element of Generosity being ungenerous?" Celestia laughed behind her hoof. "Just this once don't listen to your mother, Gem. She becomes spitefully faced with beauty greater than her own."
"Majesty!" Rarity gasped.
"Just a little good fun, my dear. It wouldn't be fare for Spike and Gem to be the only ones feeling uncomfortable."
Rarity frowned, a layer of blush covering her face. However, she couldn't hold a candle to Gem. The draconequus' entire coat was as pink as Pinkie Pie.
"Sadly, I must be on my way," Celestia sighed. "Thank you go—"
"Will I see you again?" Gem interrupted her, asking through his ears. The colour of his coat changed to crimson.
"I'll come to see you on the morning after, Gem." Celestia smiled and walked away, followed by Rarity who had already started discussions about the Princess next visit.
The morning after, Gem thought, his smile widening. She'll see me on the morning after.
"You’be go no chance?" Spike whispered once the mares had left the room.
"Thanks for the encouragement, Dad," Gem grumbled. As cool as his father was, he had both his honesty and common sense glands removed.
"No problem." Spike gave Gem a pat on the back. "Age difference is a b—" The dragon stopped abruptly. "A bad thing."
"You're eight years younger than mom, Dad." Gem rolled his eyes.
"Well, yeah, but it's not like it's a thousand," Spike countered. "Besides, I'm me. Let's go eat."
Gem didn't say a word. His mind was set. I'll find a way to make her like me if I have to twist time itself!
"Hello," the young alicorn approached. She had been noticing him for a while, yet only now finding the courage to address him. "Can I sit next to you?"
The creature smiled and moved aside. Celestia still wasn't clear what he was—dragon or stallion—she only that he would come every morning and watch the sunrise, longing in his eyes. He looked at her and nodded, shifting slightly to the side. Celestia let out a sigh of relief.
"I'm Celestia," she said joining him on the hill.
"I'm G— Discord," the creature smiled at her, then looked back at the sun. "I'm time's Discord."
Another time romance! And it figures that Discord, in the fine tradition of Wrong Way Corrigan, would live his life before he was born.
On the whole I like it. The name “Gem” seems a bit uninspired to me; I think it likely that Rarity would choose something more inspirational and Spike wouldn’t name his son after food. But this is just a quibble.
On the whole I like it. The name “Gem” seems a bit uninspired to me; I think it likely that Rarity would choose something more inspirational and Spike wouldn’t name his son after food. But this is just a quibble.
Unicorn + dragon = gills? I am confuse.
Oh. We’re going by the literal interpretation of draconequus. That makes about as much sense as I can expect them to.
I do like the ending, but the flubbed fundamentals kept throwing me out of the story. A little proofreading will go a long way with this story. Once that’s done, it will be quite entertaining and ripe for expansion. I can only imagine Gem’s thought process as he drives his mother to insanity… though I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time from his perspective.
Oh. We’re going by the literal interpretation of draconequus. That makes about as much sense as I can expect them to.
I do like the ending, but the flubbed fundamentals kept throwing me out of the story. A little proofreading will go a long way with this story. Once that’s done, it will be quite entertaining and ripe for expansion. I can only imagine Gem’s thought process as he drives his mother to insanity… though I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time from his perspective.
This is:
A terrific idea, but, well, time travel stories tend to confuse me. I mean, does the first scene take place in a world where Discord never did all the stuff Discord did, and it's only by going back in time that Gem changes Equestria into the world we know from the show? 'Cause if you want to do that, author--and you'd pretty much have to for the story to work--I'd suggest making it really clear that we're in an alternate world that has never know Discord when the story starts.
Mike
A terrific idea, but, well, time travel stories tend to confuse me. I mean, does the first scene take place in a world where Discord never did all the stuff Discord did, and it's only by going back in time that Gem changes Equestria into the world we know from the show? 'Cause if you want to do that, author--and you'd pretty much have to for the story to work--I'd suggest making it really clear that we're in an alternate world that has never know Discord when the story starts.
Mike
EDIT: What follows is really critical, so please don't take it personally. I like the premise of the story, I just can't get past how awful the characters are acting.
I'm sorry. I'm deeply bothered by this story. The characters are so out-of-character, so pathetic, and so downright nasty it makes me feel sick. :pinkiesick:
No. Rarity would not shame her son over his natural body parts. No, no, no, no, no.
NO. WRONG.
Celestia would not laugh at Rarity and call her "spiteful" to her face, even if Rarity were being terrible and Celestia were doing it for a good cause.
What language is this? :rainbowhuh:
Dear Celestia! I hope this was meant to be figurative, but based on the rest of the story, I'm not sure that's the case. :fluttershyouch: Just... no.
Oddly enough, I like the premise! I just can't stand how you've painted the characters (except, perhaps, Gem). Also, I'm not sure I can buy that anypony would consider Discord "beautiful" at any age, or that nopony would notice the similarities between Gem and Discord, especially given the fact that they're both draconequuses, and those are incredibly rare. Those both undercut the premise a bit, as does the fact that Discord never shows the slightest interest or memory of Rarity (or especially Fluttershy, initially) in the show. So you might need to add something in to make sense of those discrepancies (I can think of a number of fixes).
But for Celestia's sake, please work on the characterizations.
Also, Gem needs a longer name than just "Gem". Rarity wouldn't name her son something that simple, and I don't think there are ponies in general on the show with names that simple.
I'm sorry. I'm deeply bothered by this story. The characters are so out-of-character, so pathetic, and so downright nasty it makes me feel sick. :pinkiesick:
"Please remove those hideous gills from your neck."
No. Rarity would not shame her son over his natural body parts. No, no, no, no, no.
"Three parts donkey, one part mule," Rarity snorted.
NO. WRONG.
Celestia laughed behind her hoof.
Celestia would not laugh at Rarity and call her "spiteful" to her face, even if Rarity were being terrible and Celestia were doing it for a good cause.
"You’be go no chance?"
What language is this? :rainbowhuh:
As cool as his father was, he had both his honesty and common sense glands removed.
Dear Celestia! I hope this was meant to be figurative, but based on the rest of the story, I'm not sure that's the case. :fluttershyouch: Just... no.
"I'm G—..."
Oddly enough, I like the premise! I just can't stand how you've painted the characters (except, perhaps, Gem). Also, I'm not sure I can buy that anypony would consider Discord "beautiful" at any age, or that nopony would notice the similarities between Gem and Discord, especially given the fact that they're both draconequuses, and those are incredibly rare. Those both undercut the premise a bit, as does the fact that Discord never shows the slightest interest or memory of Rarity (or especially Fluttershy, initially) in the show. So you might need to add something in to make sense of those discrepancies (I can think of a number of fixes).
But for Celestia's sake, please work on the characterizations.
Also, Gem needs a longer name than just "Gem". Rarity wouldn't name her son something that simple, and I don't think there are ponies in general on the show with names that simple.
>>Trick_Question
Oooo:
That could be a way to go with this one, author. Make it clear at the beginning that we're in a timeline where Discord never appeared, and then show us that it's an awful place full of awful ponies. Gem going back in time to become Discord, then, is the event that turns Equestria into the pleasant place we see in the show: the characters have to live through the terrible things Discord does in order to become the characters we know.
Mike Again
Oooo:
That could be a way to go with this one, author. Make it clear at the beginning that we're in a timeline where Discord never appeared, and then show us that it's an awful place full of awful ponies. Gem going back in time to become Discord, then, is the event that turns Equestria into the pleasant place we see in the show: the characters have to live through the terrible things Discord does in order to become the characters we know.
Mike Again
>>Baal Bunny
Oh, oh wow. This is great. I love this idea!
...though it still doesn't explain how the Mane 6 defeated NMM.
Honestly, I think this story needs more space than the minific format can give it in order to shine. There are too many loose ends that need tying up for the premise to work properly, no matter how you paint the characters.
Oh, oh wow. This is great. I love this idea!
...though it still doesn't explain how the Mane 6 defeated NMM.
Honestly, I think this story needs more space than the minific format can give it in order to shine. There are too many loose ends that need tying up for the premise to work properly, no matter how you paint the characters.
The Great
Interesting concept.
The Rough
Definitely needs a technical pass.
The overall concept just doesn't quite gel, IMO. These sorts of stories are doable, but this one just raises too many questions since the time flow doesn't make sense, particularly given what we know of DIscord's history. It could probably be dealt with in a longer story but, as is, this is the length we have.
Interesting concept.
The Rough
Definitely needs a technical pass.
The overall concept just doesn't quite gel, IMO. These sorts of stories are doable, but this one just raises too many questions since the time flow doesn't make sense, particularly given what we know of DIscord's history. It could probably be dealt with in a longer story but, as is, this is the length we have.
This feels really confused.
There are some inconsistencies. Does Gem/Discord have a mane or a tail, as you suggest in your first lines?
And err… we’re left guessing how Gem/Discord has been able to develop his magical power.
In all, this sounds more like a draft. The premise is interesting, but what is given here simply doesn’t cut the mustard.
There are some inconsistencies. Does Gem/Discord have a mane or a tail, as you suggest in your first lines?
And err… we’re left guessing how Gem/Discord has been able to develop his magical power.
In all, this sounds more like a draft. The premise is interesting, but what is given here simply doesn’t cut the mustard.
Like others, I find the concept interesting, but the rest a bit... lacking. Technical problems asides, I still feel the characters are "off." If this is an AU, with a different timeline from canon, then that needs to be made clear early on. Otherwise, Rarity seems far too "cold," Celestia is too formal, and "Discord" should be a giant red flag for anypony that hears it.
>>Monokeras
I get the sense that Gem is able to change his body parts at will and doesn't have a "default" form like he presumably ends up having after the end of the story.
This is another thing that makes Rarity's reaction confusing: if Gem can look however he wants, why would she be envious of his beauty? Furthermore, why would she need to groom him?
I get the sense that Gem is able to change his body parts at will and doesn't have a "default" form like he presumably ends up having after the end of the story.
This is another thing that makes Rarity's reaction confusing: if Gem can look however he wants, why would she be envious of his beauty? Furthermore, why would she need to groom him?
Romancing an Alicorn — B — Interesting concept, some characterization problems and a few grammar errors. Celestia’s too cold, Rarity’s too snappy, and Spike… seems to have been drinking. One quick technical error: Celestia’s a princess, therefore is addressed as ‘Your Highness’ instead of a King/Queen address of ‘Your Majesty.’
Well, full points for cleverness with the whole "draconequus" thing. I never even considered taking that name quite so literally...
However, the rest of the story doesn't work quite as well for me. Other reviews have pointed out plenty of issues already, but one I haven't see mentioned is the fact that Gem is clearly a young adult by this point.. and he's somehow never met Princess Celestia in person before? He's the son of one of the elements of harmony and a dragon who is, at the very least, a direct line of communication with Celestia, if not her adopted son. I wouldn't be surprised if the Princesses showed up for Gem's birth. Never having met before really doesn't fly for me.
And, of course, there's the myriad of issues involved I time travel, but I think those have mostly been addressed already...
However, the rest of the story doesn't work quite as well for me. Other reviews have pointed out plenty of issues already, but one I haven't see mentioned is the fact that Gem is clearly a young adult by this point.. and he's somehow never met Princess Celestia in person before? He's the son of one of the elements of harmony and a dragon who is, at the very least, a direct line of communication with Celestia, if not her adopted son. I wouldn't be surprised if the Princesses showed up for Gem's birth. Never having met before really doesn't fly for me.
And, of course, there's the myriad of issues involved I time travel, but I think those have mostly been addressed already...
...Sparity made Discord? Dragon + Pony = Omnipotent Chaos Spirit?
As much as others are praising this premise, I can't bring myself to; it's too much to ask for me to suspend my disbelief quite that far. Also, the suggestion that everything Discord spawned as a villain came from an ill-advised act of trying to score with Princess Celestia just really diminishes the character to me.
As much as others are praising this premise, I can't bring myself to; it's too much to ask for me to suspend my disbelief quite that far. Also, the suggestion that everything Discord spawned as a villain came from an ill-advised act of trying to score with Princess Celestia just really diminishes the character to me.
Wierd. Characterization feels so off. Not enough detail to know what's happening, and why.