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Happily Ever After*
Yesterday had been the craziest day in Cranky Doodle Donkey's life. It had also been the happiest.
Cranky quietly sat down at his writing desk, then turned and looked over his shoulder. His new wife, Matilda, dozed peacefully in their bed. It was still very early, so he took pains not to wake her.
It had become a welcome routine. Over the past few months since she'd moved in, Cranky would wake up every morning, kiss her on the cheek, and slip out of bed to start his day. Not with breakfast or coffee—he would wait the necessary hour or two for her to get up so that he could share the moment with her. His day began with writing, as it always did.
Cranky had been penning a dramatic romance novel for many years now. Even back when he spent each day searching for Matilda, a donkey needs a tangible hobby. He picked up writing, and it kept him going during the darkest of times. His book, now novel-length, was nearing completion. All that remained to write was the final chapter. Ponies he'd shown the book to universally loved it. Maybe he'd become a professional writer? At the very least, he'd be able to share this one remarkable piece of his heart with the rest of Equestria.
The donkey turned, picked up his quill, and dipped it into the inkwell. He opened the current draft of his book for reference, and placed a fresh sheet of parchment below it on the writing surface. Then he held his pen on the paper until the place it touched began to bleed ink into a large dot.
Cranky set the quill down again. He stared at the empty canvas, puzzled.
Something was different this morning. Cranky had never before experienced this kind of happiness. Although his depression abated months ago when he found Matilda, there was something curious about finally being married to her. It was real now, no longer just a half-baked fantasy. Matilda was his, and he was hers, and there was no pretending otherwise. He had no choice but to accept the facts.
It made sense for Cranky to be nervous before the wedding. He never thought much of himself, certainly not that he'd be worthy of a mare like Matilda. More importantly, throughout his search for Matilda, he'd grown blind to the absurd unreality of his task.
They had met only briefly, many years ago. He cried the day he lost her, and although his depression deepened over the years, he never cried again. He wanted to die, but it didn't feel sad to him—just numb and hollow. All his emotional energy had been channelled into his quest and his newfound passion for writing.
Soon after he found Matilda, Cranky realised how foalish his love for her had been. His mental picture of her was, naturally, idealistic and incomplete. It wasn't at all realistic to expect she would love him back, or that she'd still be single, or even that she'd remember who the hay he was. Nonetheless, she still fancied him, and their love grew.
After Matilda moved in, his bliss turned to paranoia. He still couldn't justify why they were in love. It was so unlikely they'd be compatible! Despite the long odds, they quickly became accustomed to each other's idiosyncrasies. They would quarrel, but respectfully. The virtue of friendship always bound them together. It was a miracle. There was no other word for it.
Cranky and Matilda were truly in love, whether or not it made sense. It must have been destiny, he decided. Donkeys didn't know much about magic or fate, but they both accepted that this was meant to be. He couldn't understand why, but the 'why' didn't matter. Everything was perfect now, and the two of them would be together for the rest of their lives.
Married. He couldn't keep the silly smile off of his face. But as he looked down at the paper, the words still wouldn't come. He searched deep within, finding nothing. The wellspring within him was dryer than a burning barn.
Then, it dawned on him. With that epiphany, he knew the words had left him forever.
Cranky Doodle Donkey had nothing left to say.
He shut the book and sighed as the unfamiliar sensation of tears began to tickle his cheeks. But the silly smile hadn't left his muzzle, and his heart still sang with euphoria.
Such a trivial price to pay for happiness, thought Cranky.
Cranky quietly sat down at his writing desk, then turned and looked over his shoulder. His new wife, Matilda, dozed peacefully in their bed. It was still very early, so he took pains not to wake her.
It had become a welcome routine. Over the past few months since she'd moved in, Cranky would wake up every morning, kiss her on the cheek, and slip out of bed to start his day. Not with breakfast or coffee—he would wait the necessary hour or two for her to get up so that he could share the moment with her. His day began with writing, as it always did.
Cranky had been penning a dramatic romance novel for many years now. Even back when he spent each day searching for Matilda, a donkey needs a tangible hobby. He picked up writing, and it kept him going during the darkest of times. His book, now novel-length, was nearing completion. All that remained to write was the final chapter. Ponies he'd shown the book to universally loved it. Maybe he'd become a professional writer? At the very least, he'd be able to share this one remarkable piece of his heart with the rest of Equestria.
The donkey turned, picked up his quill, and dipped it into the inkwell. He opened the current draft of his book for reference, and placed a fresh sheet of parchment below it on the writing surface. Then he held his pen on the paper until the place it touched began to bleed ink into a large dot.
Cranky set the quill down again. He stared at the empty canvas, puzzled.
Something was different this morning. Cranky had never before experienced this kind of happiness. Although his depression abated months ago when he found Matilda, there was something curious about finally being married to her. It was real now, no longer just a half-baked fantasy. Matilda was his, and he was hers, and there was no pretending otherwise. He had no choice but to accept the facts.
It made sense for Cranky to be nervous before the wedding. He never thought much of himself, certainly not that he'd be worthy of a mare like Matilda. More importantly, throughout his search for Matilda, he'd grown blind to the absurd unreality of his task.
They had met only briefly, many years ago. He cried the day he lost her, and although his depression deepened over the years, he never cried again. He wanted to die, but it didn't feel sad to him—just numb and hollow. All his emotional energy had been channelled into his quest and his newfound passion for writing.
Soon after he found Matilda, Cranky realised how foalish his love for her had been. His mental picture of her was, naturally, idealistic and incomplete. It wasn't at all realistic to expect she would love him back, or that she'd still be single, or even that she'd remember who the hay he was. Nonetheless, she still fancied him, and their love grew.
After Matilda moved in, his bliss turned to paranoia. He still couldn't justify why they were in love. It was so unlikely they'd be compatible! Despite the long odds, they quickly became accustomed to each other's idiosyncrasies. They would quarrel, but respectfully. The virtue of friendship always bound them together. It was a miracle. There was no other word for it.
Cranky and Matilda were truly in love, whether or not it made sense. It must have been destiny, he decided. Donkeys didn't know much about magic or fate, but they both accepted that this was meant to be. He couldn't understand why, but the 'why' didn't matter. Everything was perfect now, and the two of them would be together for the rest of their lives.
Married. He couldn't keep the silly smile off of his face. But as he looked down at the paper, the words still wouldn't come. He searched deep within, finding nothing. The wellspring within him was dryer than a burning barn.
Then, it dawned on him. With that epiphany, he knew the words had left him forever.
Cranky Doodle Donkey had nothing left to say.
He shut the book and sighed as the unfamiliar sensation of tears began to tickle his cheeks. But the silly smile hadn't left his muzzle, and his heart still sang with euphoria.
Such a trivial price to pay for happiness, thought Cranky.
This is a sweet, deftly executed story, though it carries a message that may disconcert many members of this site. Thumbs up, Author.
Princess not included? Wait, no, that was a few months ago. Let’s see…
Ah. Tragedy is a powerful muse, but it comes at a cost. I can’t argue with Cranky’s choice, and I can’t find fault in this story. Excellently done
Ah. Tragedy is a powerful muse, but it comes at a cost. I can’t argue with Cranky’s choice, and I can’t find fault in this story. Excellently done
I really like this. It fits the prompt and the FiM slice of life setting perfectly. It's sweet and romantic, with a hint of melancholy that rings true for me.
Cranky had nothing left to say and neither do I. Bravo.
Cranky had nothing left to say and neither do I. Bravo.
One of the few pieces I've read in my limited time here where the required brevity serves rather than hinders. Tight execution start to finish with nary a fault to be found, and a bonus check for a happy Cranky. Cheers.
Holy horse jesus, does this story ever speak to me. :pinkiegasp: I really have to dig to find anything to say.
I think there's a little bit of repetition in the prose (it's not bad! ...but it exists) and because of that, I'm not sure how you'll expand this to 1,000 words if you want to put it on Fimfiction. This is the perfect length already, so you might need to think hard on what to add rather than padding it. (And you had damn-well better put this up on Fimfiction!)
I totes def. appreciate that you didn't go with the eye-rolling 'single tear' trope, but I'm tempted to say you should have been just a tiny bit more subtle on the third-from-last line. I'm not sure I'm right about this, but I kind of like ...an unfamiliar sensation of wetness... instead because it avoids the explicit mention of tears. But I'm probably overthinking this because I can't find any obvious flaws.
/)^3^(\
I think there's a little bit of repetition in the prose (it's not bad! ...but it exists) and because of that, I'm not sure how you'll expand this to 1,000 words if you want to put it on Fimfiction. This is the perfect length already, so you might need to think hard on what to add rather than padding it. (And you had damn-well better put this up on Fimfiction!)
I totes def. appreciate that you didn't go with the eye-rolling 'single tear' trope, but I'm tempted to say you should have been just a tiny bit more subtle on the third-from-last line. I'm not sure I'm right about this, but I kind of like ...an unfamiliar sensation of wetness... instead because it avoids the explicit mention of tears. But I'm probably overthinking this because I can't find any obvious flaws.
/)^3^(\
It had become a welcome routine. Over the past few months since she'd moved in, Cranky would wake up every morning, kiss her on the cheek, and slip out of bed to start his day. Not with breakfast or coffee—he would wait the necessary hour or two for her to get up so that he could share the moment with her. His day began with writing, as it always did.
Bull, bull, bull. Lies. Plot holes. Nonsense and scat, a whirlwind of scatological nonsense. How can he write without coffee? Immersion broken, 0/10, bottom of the slate, worst story ever, sell your computer and move to Scotland and become a goat herder you bad bad writer you.
Okay, but if you can get past that glaring misstep (and it took me a while, a good deal of therapy, and a sudden spiral into alcoholism and self-destruction), this is a very sweet slice of life. But if it please the court, I don't think that Cranky's burgeoning career as a writer is over because he finds he doesn't have the words to finish his novel. His depression and angst over Matilda were fueling his creative drive when it came to that particular story, or at least, that's my interpretation. Now he's emerged from that into marital bliss. So... maybe he tries to tell some other story that's fueled by that.
Dude's on a first-name basis with Pinkie Pie; don't tell me he can't find inspiration in some other facet of his life. Shoot, maybe he goes on to pen Pinkamina's Wake in this canon.
Ah yes, the myth of the tortured artist. Cliche aside, this is very well done. My only complaint is in the message itself, that he has "nothing more to say." As others aid, yes, one story is over, but there are others to be told. Art isn't JUST pain. Implying that it is is a little discouraging to me. So yes, I take issue with the message, not the story... which is great.
Enjoyed - Happily Ever After — A+ — *Extremely* well written, and interesting. Sucks the reader right in. Cranky done right.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
Hmm.
This is an interesting effect. Most of the story is narration, which does a good job of conveying more direct meaning than description would. However, it also made it somewhat harder for me to engage with the story. I found it fairly dry in stretches, personally, and I'd have liked a slightly less matter-of-fact presentation. I think, on the whole, the ideas on display here are excellent ones. Hopefully the narration was influenced by length and an expanded version would be a bit more subtle or roundabout.
This is an interesting effect. Most of the story is narration, which does a good job of conveying more direct meaning than description would. However, it also made it somewhat harder for me to engage with the story. I found it fairly dry in stretches, personally, and I'd have liked a slightly less matter-of-fact presentation. I think, on the whole, the ideas on display here are excellent ones. Hopefully the narration was influenced by length and an expanded version would be a bit more subtle or roundabout.
The only thing:
I can point out is that a female donkey is called a jenny, not a mare. Other than that, very nicely done!
Mike
I can point out is that a female donkey is called a jenny, not a mare. Other than that, very nicely done!
Mike
The Great
Well written. I mean, it's a simple thing to say, but the prose is quite solid.
Another good take on a mostly naval gazey piece by giving it a solid framing device.
The Rough
Unfortunately, I am really turned off by the ending. Like, really, really turned off. As a writer I honestly find the idea kind of borderline... well, it's a strong word, but offensive? I just really, really don't like it.
Similarly, I think the story on the whole is a little too overwrought. The emotional highs and lows are just... too high and too low for me in this context.
Well written. I mean, it's a simple thing to say, but the prose is quite solid.
Another good take on a mostly naval gazey piece by giving it a solid framing device.
The Rough
Unfortunately, I am really turned off by the ending. Like, really, really turned off. As a writer I honestly find the idea kind of borderline... well, it's a strong word, but offensive? I just really, really don't like it.
Similarly, I think the story on the whole is a little too overwrought. The emotional highs and lows are just... too high and too low for me in this context.
Genre: AAARGH MY FEELS
Thoughts: This packs the biggest emotional punch of any story I've yet seen in this Writeoff. As >>Rao notes, the brevity of the piece seems to work in its favor. I can see the "tortured artist" thing being a bit cliche, but for me the bigger point here was to highlight the sheer unreasonableness of the foundations of Cranky and Matilda's love, and to contrast that with how they actually worked together to build a real foundation for a relationship. The novel is therefore more of a framing device than something we should take too seriously; albeit a framing device that this audience can probably relate to on a more visceral level.
Yeah. I dunno. I'm putting it at the top of my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: This packs the biggest emotional punch of any story I've yet seen in this Writeoff. As >>Rao notes, the brevity of the piece seems to work in its favor. I can see the "tortured artist" thing being a bit cliche, but for me the bigger point here was to highlight the sheer unreasonableness of the foundations of Cranky and Matilda's love, and to contrast that with how they actually worked together to build a real foundation for a relationship. The novel is therefore more of a framing device than something we should take too seriously; albeit a framing device that this audience can probably relate to on a more visceral level.
Yeah. I dunno. I'm putting it at the top of my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
So –
Some phrasing made me wonder. Case in point:
I know you’re expressing a general idea in the second part, which calls for the present tense, but the turn of phrase from particular to general made me grimace. It didn’t bristle me, but I felt a small prick reading it.
I’d say this is a fine story, but I still have a gripe: I don’t understand why that epiphany happens that day, and not before or after. There’s nothing in the text that points towards a special event, or something that could’ve caused it. Without a harbinger, the realisation comes across as very abrupt and almost artificial. I think the text would’ve been better with some detail, even small (he crashes his quill, the inkwell is empty…) that triggers that all too sudden revelation.
Some phrasing made me wonder. Case in point:
Even back when he spent each day searching for Matilda, a donkey needs a tangible hobby.
I know you’re expressing a general idea in the second part, which calls for the present tense, but the turn of phrase from particular to general made me grimace. It didn’t bristle me, but I felt a small prick reading it.
I’d say this is a fine story, but I still have a gripe: I don’t understand why that epiphany happens that day, and not before or after. There’s nothing in the text that points towards a special event, or something that could’ve caused it. Without a harbinger, the realisation comes across as very abrupt and almost artificial. I think the text would’ve been better with some detail, even small (he crashes his quill, the inkwell is empty…) that triggers that all too sudden revelation.
>>Monokeras
I think the epiphany relates to the fact that prior to the morning after his wedding, he wasn't able to psychologically accept that he'd actually found happiness with Matilda. It still felt like he was about to lose her again at any moment, until they'd finally tied the knot. My read, at least, but that seems to be the "difference" being described.
You're right about the phrasing seeming awkward. I'm pretty sure it's still proper English: the present tense in the second clause is the "factual present". If you replace "a" with "every" it becomes clearer, which means "every" would probably be a better word choice. But even then it seems a little awkward, so I'd suggest the author consider trying a different approach.
I think the epiphany relates to the fact that prior to the morning after his wedding, he wasn't able to psychologically accept that he'd actually found happiness with Matilda. It still felt like he was about to lose her again at any moment, until they'd finally tied the knot. My read, at least, but that seems to be the "difference" being described.
You're right about the phrasing seeming awkward. I'm pretty sure it's still proper English: the present tense in the second clause is the "factual present". If you replace "a" with "every" it becomes clearer, which means "every" would probably be a better word choice. But even then it seems a little awkward, so I'd suggest the author consider trying a different approach.
Happily Ever After*
I'm flattered this did as well as it did, and I'm happy so many of you were able to enjoy it. :pinkiesad2: (remember, that's the emoticon where she's crying with happiness)
First off, thanks for all the feedback:
>>GroaningGreyAgony >>FanOfMostEverything >>Astrarian >>Rao >>Posh >>Xepher >>georg >>Shadowed_Song >>Not_A_Hat >>Baal Bunny >>AndrewRogue >>CoffeeMinion >>Monokeras
Now, to address specific issues mentioned by specific feedbacks.
0) Baal Bunny, thank you for the jenny miss. :facehoof:
1) Monokeras, I think I replied above. Thanks for the reminder about the awkward sentence; it's an easy one to miss if you're the writer.
2) Not_A_Hat, this is probably the only feedback I'm not taking very much from (even though I totes admit it's very valuable, and appreciate it). I agree the story's approach is telly and a bit disjointed, and I've tried to make it flow a little better in the final version, but the approach is necessary because I want the entire thing in Cranky's headspace for message purposes and to keep the audience in his donkeyshoes.
3) CoffeeMinion, I agree the part you're focusing on is the bulk of the story and an essential aspect, but the novel is more than a framing device: the relationship growth isn't the message of the story (and while an important message, I think it's too boring as presented). Although your feedback didn't exactly criticize the message, read on for more feedback about the issue with the story's message and my response (in part 6).
4) Posh, it's useful to know most coffee drinkers can't start their day without coffee. I'm reluctant to remove the coffee element because it denotes a sacrifice, but if this seems too unrealistic I may need to remove the mention of coffee altogether. Cranky won't brew it because it would wake Matilda. Your other feedback is addressed below (in part 6).
5) AndrewRogue, I agree in part about the emotion. In the expanded version I've tried to dial it back just a tiny bit at the end, similar to the suggestion I made in my fake review. Your other feedback is addressed below (in part 6).
6) And finally, feedback regarding the message. Let's begin:
AndrewRogue and (to a far lesser extent) GroaningGreyAgony felt the message might be offensive to authors, while Posh and Xepher found the message to be cliche and unrealistic. At first I balked at considering this feedback, but over time I realized you have a point: the audience needs to find the story believable. Also, I needed to add more horse words to publish the bucker on Fimfiction. So this has been very useful feedback.
So first off, I've modified the story to give hints about why Cranky isn't a typical author (removing the idea that he might want to write professionally past the novel, and explaining in bits and pieces that his inspiration is limited to this one story). I think it now reads in a way that the audience needn't identify precisely with Cranky to understand his point of view and it's more believable as a result.
That said: you're all wrong. :derpytongue2:
This story is about my recent recovery from depression (and the temporary period during which the depression disappeared entirely), and it's a true story. I'm not a "tortured artist", but with very rare exception I can't write stories except as a vehicle for conveying a personal message. I'm not inspired to write anything when I have nothing important to say.
After the ECT treatments were underway, my inkwell dried up. I literally had nothing to say, and I couldn't write. Like, anything. I had to deal with the fact that my newfound happiness might come with a pretty hefty price tag: I might never write again. And I was 100% okay with that, because never writing another word is a much better fate than constantly wanting to die.
So this is a real story, and that's why I wrote it. I'm not hinging the story on a cliche: it's true.
The question remains, why can I write now? There are two reasons. For this story, it'd probably be one of my last inspirations if my well hadn't been refilled. But the other reason is that the ECT hasn't worked perfectly. Depression has slipped back into my soul. It's still not nearly as bad as it was, but it's been creeping back quickly enough that I'm pretty sure that most of the effects of ECT will not persist long. Currently I'm scheduled to meet with my psychiatrist in a week, and I'm going to demand an aggressive treatment of different drugs we haven't tried, some which have rather severe side effects.
In an amusing way, the trick is to keep me depressed enough to write but not depressed enough that I murder myself. :facehoof: But that's not the goal. The goal is to remove the depression completely and forever, even at the cost of my writing.
On the bright(?) side, I don't think that goal is going to materialize. Yaaaaaaaay. :derpytongue2: But, I refuse to stop fighting, and I have a close social support network of people who love me, so I'm not in any danger at the moment. And I love you guys too. :heart:
Thanks for the feedback, everypony! :pinkiehappy:
I'm flattered this did as well as it did, and I'm happy so many of you were able to enjoy it. :pinkiesad2: (remember, that's the emoticon where she's crying with happiness)
First off, thanks for all the feedback:
>>GroaningGreyAgony >>FanOfMostEverything >>Astrarian >>Rao >>Posh >>Xepher >>georg >>Shadowed_Song >>Not_A_Hat >>Baal Bunny >>AndrewRogue >>CoffeeMinion >>Monokeras
Now, to address specific issues mentioned by specific feedbacks.
0) Baal Bunny, thank you for the jenny miss. :facehoof:
1) Monokeras, I think I replied above. Thanks for the reminder about the awkward sentence; it's an easy one to miss if you're the writer.
2) Not_A_Hat, this is probably the only feedback I'm not taking very much from (even though I totes admit it's very valuable, and appreciate it). I agree the story's approach is telly and a bit disjointed, and I've tried to make it flow a little better in the final version, but the approach is necessary because I want the entire thing in Cranky's headspace for message purposes and to keep the audience in his donkeyshoes.
3) CoffeeMinion, I agree the part you're focusing on is the bulk of the story and an essential aspect, but the novel is more than a framing device: the relationship growth isn't the message of the story (and while an important message, I think it's too boring as presented). Although your feedback didn't exactly criticize the message, read on for more feedback about the issue with the story's message and my response (in part 6).
4) Posh, it's useful to know most coffee drinkers can't start their day without coffee. I'm reluctant to remove the coffee element because it denotes a sacrifice, but if this seems too unrealistic I may need to remove the mention of coffee altogether. Cranky won't brew it because it would wake Matilda. Your other feedback is addressed below (in part 6).
5) AndrewRogue, I agree in part about the emotion. In the expanded version I've tried to dial it back just a tiny bit at the end, similar to the suggestion I made in my fake review. Your other feedback is addressed below (in part 6).
6) And finally, feedback regarding the message. Let's begin:
AndrewRogue and (to a far lesser extent) GroaningGreyAgony felt the message might be offensive to authors, while Posh and Xepher found the message to be cliche and unrealistic. At first I balked at considering this feedback, but over time I realized you have a point: the audience needs to find the story believable. Also, I needed to add more horse words to publish the bucker on Fimfiction. So this has been very useful feedback.
So first off, I've modified the story to give hints about why Cranky isn't a typical author (removing the idea that he might want to write professionally past the novel, and explaining in bits and pieces that his inspiration is limited to this one story). I think it now reads in a way that the audience needn't identify precisely with Cranky to understand his point of view and it's more believable as a result.
That said: you're all wrong. :derpytongue2:
This story is about my recent recovery from depression (and the temporary period during which the depression disappeared entirely), and it's a true story. I'm not a "tortured artist", but with very rare exception I can't write stories except as a vehicle for conveying a personal message. I'm not inspired to write anything when I have nothing important to say.
After the ECT treatments were underway, my inkwell dried up. I literally had nothing to say, and I couldn't write. Like, anything. I had to deal with the fact that my newfound happiness might come with a pretty hefty price tag: I might never write again. And I was 100% okay with that, because never writing another word is a much better fate than constantly wanting to die.
So this is a real story, and that's why I wrote it. I'm not hinging the story on a cliche: it's true.
The question remains, why can I write now? There are two reasons. For this story, it'd probably be one of my last inspirations if my well hadn't been refilled. But the other reason is that the ECT hasn't worked perfectly. Depression has slipped back into my soul. It's still not nearly as bad as it was, but it's been creeping back quickly enough that I'm pretty sure that most of the effects of ECT will not persist long. Currently I'm scheduled to meet with my psychiatrist in a week, and I'm going to demand an aggressive treatment of different drugs we haven't tried, some which have rather severe side effects.
In an amusing way, the trick is to keep me depressed enough to write but not depressed enough that I murder myself. :facehoof: But that's not the goal. The goal is to remove the depression completely and forever, even at the cost of my writing.
On the bright(?) side, I don't think that goal is going to materialize. Yaaaaaaaay. :derpytongue2: But, I refuse to stop fighting, and I have a close social support network of people who love me, so I'm not in any danger at the moment. And I love you guys too. :heart:
Thanks for the feedback, everypony! :pinkiehappy: