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What It's Worth: Retrospective
I agree with all the criticisms levelled at this one, so I'd just like to thank everyone for commenting and pointing out where I could improve. I enjoyed writing this, but once again I tried to cram an idea into 750 words that needed more space to breathe, and characterisation and clarity suffered as a result. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now!
Thanks again, all.
I agree with all the criticisms levelled at this one, so I'd just like to thank everyone for commenting and pointing out where I could improve. I enjoyed writing this, but once again I tried to cram an idea into 750 words that needed more space to breathe, and characterisation and clarity suffered as a result. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now!
Thanks again, all.
I hear post-mortems are traditional round here, and I'm feeling weird enough to critique myself, so here goes.
Thanks for the comments: >>Trick_Question , >>Ceffyl_Dwr , >>FanOfMostEverything , >>Baal Bunny , >>Monokeras, >>Morning Sun . I have this problem of coming up with stories and never actually writing them, so I thought it was better to at least try to get the idea out than sit on it until it rots.
The idea of the Friendship Express being the only train in Equestria has come to me before, and the underlying theme is that it manages to do so by draining pony magic through bodily contact, but the ponies quickly become so delirious that they think they really are friends with it and that nothing is amiss. That obviously didn't come across, but I haven't thought it through entirely either, so it's not like I blame anyone for that.
I ran up against the word count in a big way. I guess as always the lesson is that you shouldn't try to tell a bigger story in a minific (and that editors/pre-readers are the best). I deliberately sacrificed establishing what was going on in order to reach a conclusion, although I wasn't especially aiming to be ethereal, but I see that didn't go down well. I either need to learn to cut down to the heart of the story or stop writing minifics.
I'd do it differently if I did it again. Unfortunately, the only time I seem to produce any content at all these days is with a Writeoff deadline over my head.
Cheers.
Thanks for the comments: >>Trick_Question , >>Ceffyl_Dwr , >>FanOfMostEverything , >>Baal Bunny , >>Monokeras, >>Morning Sun . I have this problem of coming up with stories and never actually writing them, so I thought it was better to at least try to get the idea out than sit on it until it rots.
The idea of the Friendship Express being the only train in Equestria has come to me before, and the underlying theme is that it manages to do so by draining pony magic through bodily contact, but the ponies quickly become so delirious that they think they really are friends with it and that nothing is amiss. That obviously didn't come across, but I haven't thought it through entirely either, so it's not like I blame anyone for that.
I ran up against the word count in a big way. I guess as always the lesson is that you shouldn't try to tell a bigger story in a minific (and that editors/pre-readers are the best). I deliberately sacrificed establishing what was going on in order to reach a conclusion, although I wasn't especially aiming to be ethereal, but I see that didn't go down well. I either need to learn to cut down to the heart of the story or stop writing minifics.
I'd do it differently if I did it again. Unfortunately, the only time I seem to produce any content at all these days is with a Writeoff deadline over my head.
Cheers.
Mono and Zaid raise good points, but I admit I got completely hung up on a 'technical' issue in this story. In several instances you have the same character continue talking but place their dialogue on a new line without providing a reason to do so, e.g:
This pulled me out of the story because I had to reread it to understand what's happening. I expect the next line of dialogue to be from George because it's written without dialogue tags as an exchange, but it's actually his father continuing to talk. This is what happens in the other instances too. In this example at least you just need the extra words that explain he paused before continuing (I assume that's what you meant) so as not to confuse me, but I couldn't figure out a reason for the line-split for the other instances.
By the way, the following is notably contradictory.
Overall, I think this needs cleaning up and another few editing runs. I think cutting down the existing conversation dialogue to create more room for more conflict would also be of benefit, because at present George's dad says George is right at the end simply because we've run out of room. But there's more to this argument, even if it's just tension manifesting as frustrated, disagreeable silence.
“Lucky guess.”
“So, what, you think you’re going to get away with cheating on a test like that?
This pulled me out of the story because I had to reread it to understand what's happening. I expect the next line of dialogue to be from George because it's written without dialogue tags as an exchange, but it's actually his father continuing to talk. This is what happens in the other instances too. In this example at least you just need the extra words that explain he paused before continuing (I assume that's what you meant) so as not to confuse me, but I couldn't figure out a reason for the line-split for the other instances.
By the way, the following is notably contradictory.
The car's noisy yet silent atmosphere began to settle.
Overall, I think this needs cleaning up and another few editing runs. I think cutting down the existing conversation dialogue to create more room for more conflict would also be of benefit, because at present George's dad says George is right at the end simply because we've run out of room. But there's more to this argument, even if it's just tension manifesting as frustrated, disagreeable silence.
Smashed out a minific on my phone while everyone was drinking and going to bed. Now I'm the last person standing because I knew if I didn't complete it in one sitting I wouldn't get another chance!
Anyway, all submitted now. Once again, I'm just pleased to participate because I really didn't think I'd have time this round. Yay.
Good luck to all!
Anyway, all submitted now. Once again, I'm just pleased to participate because I really didn't think I'd have time this round. Yay.
Good luck to all!
I like the premise, and I like most of this, especially the parts of Chris's dialogue (his insults) that emphasise what Nest is without sounding like exposition. I feel the conflict is resolved far too quickly and cleanly, though. So even though Nest may have been struggling with this issue for a while, I as a reader don't see much of it, and then it's over.
Still, I see that you were up against the word limit, and as I said, I like this aside from the easy resolution. In conclusion: as a story, I wish it was longer so the complete resolution felt earned. As a minific, I wish that either Chris hadn't given in so easily, or that Nest had dithered more internally/failed to speak up at all, prolonging the struggle.
Still, I see that you were up against the word limit, and as I said, I like this aside from the easy resolution. In conclusion: as a story, I wish it was longer so the complete resolution felt earned. As a minific, I wish that either Chris hadn't given in so easily, or that Nest had dithered more internally/failed to speak up at all, prolonging the struggle.
I actually just spent the evening (as in, more than 45 distractable minutes; hours in fact!) writing something. And stayed up later than I should have to finish it. It's literally been months since I've done that, and definitely over a year since I've been immersed completely in writing.
I'd forgotten how it feels. It feels good! Definitely errors in my entry, but eh, I'll take it. :)
I'd forgotten how it feels. It feels good! Definitely errors in my entry, but eh, I'll take it. :)