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Parenting can't be all that hard! I mean, ours did a pretty good job
This sounds like they're siblings o_O
Initially I read this as unprotected incest followed by an unrelated bit of kidnapped foalcon. :facehoof: I had to read it a couple of times to realize that the premise was 'drunk adoption'. This doesn't make much sense (to me) because I cannot imagine that an adoption agency would let a drunk mare sign forms to adopt a foal. That kind of process is not a snap-decision thing in general, because there's a responsibility on the part of the company to ensure the foal's welfare.
There are a few grammatical issues, but I think the biggest writing problem is telly exposition through the conversation of the adults:
By itself a quote like this is fine, but there's a little too much conversation which attempts to establish backstory for the characters. It feels forced and unnatural, especially since it isn't relevant to the story. Similarly, it seems like you are looking for excuses to describe the characters' mane and coat colors. It's not automatically bad to put those in, but they're not essential to the plot. This story isn't about what the characters look like or where they go to work.
It takes a while to get used to this, but even in long fiction, you aren't required to paint the image for the viewer with such precision that they see exactly what you do. You should learn to grow comfortable with allowing the reader come to their own conclusions about details that aren't relevant, when the story isn't about those details. This is one of the biggest differences between written media and visual media.
The point of this story is that it's a slice-of-life with a small twist: drunk, unprotected sex was actually drunk adoption. I think the scene as you write it is cute and pleasant, and I don't take issue with the message. However, this story would have been more interesting to me if the twist had been more than a gimmick: something that really reframes how the reader sees the story. Something that would have added another level to the story for me would be if you'd simply changed "Mom" to "Dad" at the end. Then the story gains a message and feels without losing any of its heart.
Granted, I assume you feel "there's nothing wrong with that" when I make that suggestion, but even if you don't, you see the idea I'm getting at: if you want to insert a twist, make it have relevance to the reader. Then it adds something to what you're saying.
There are a few grammatical issues, but I think the biggest writing problem is telly exposition through the conversation of the adults:
"To be fair, you are amazing. The best stylist in Canterlot!"
By itself a quote like this is fine, but there's a little too much conversation which attempts to establish backstory for the characters. It feels forced and unnatural, especially since it isn't relevant to the story. Similarly, it seems like you are looking for excuses to describe the characters' mane and coat colors. It's not automatically bad to put those in, but they're not essential to the plot. This story isn't about what the characters look like or where they go to work.
It takes a while to get used to this, but even in long fiction, you aren't required to paint the image for the viewer with such precision that they see exactly what you do. You should learn to grow comfortable with allowing the reader come to their own conclusions about details that aren't relevant, when the story isn't about those details. This is one of the biggest differences between written media and visual media.
The point of this story is that it's a slice-of-life with a small twist: drunk, unprotected sex was actually drunk adoption. I think the scene as you write it is cute and pleasant, and I don't take issue with the message. However, this story would have been more interesting to me if the twist had been more than a gimmick: something that really reframes how the reader sees the story. Something that would have added another level to the story for me would be if you'd simply changed "Mom" to "Dad" at the end. Then the story gains a message and feels without losing any of its heart.
Granted, I assume you feel "there's nothing wrong with that" when I make that suggestion, but even if you don't, you see the idea I'm getting at: if you want to insert a twist, make it have relevance to the reader. Then it adds something to what you're saying.
>>Trick_Question
I'm going to have to dispute that last suggestion (about "Dad" instead of "Mom.") See, I sensed a "twist" from the very beginning, and I completely expected it to be a male protagonist. So it was instead surprised by the actual twist, which was a lot more cheerful and optimistic than I expected, so it made me smile.
In general, yeah, a little too much forced detail in the story, and "drunk adoption" is a bit of practical plot hole. I'd suggest simply setting the tense slightly different. That he does those things for her when she had too much to drink, but in a general sense, not specifically yesterday.
Overall though, I think the premise is excellent here, but could be polished a bit to make it even stronger.
I'm going to have to dispute that last suggestion (about "Dad" instead of "Mom.") See, I sensed a "twist" from the very beginning, and I completely expected it to be a male protagonist. So it was instead surprised by the actual twist, which was a lot more cheerful and optimistic than I expected, so it made me smile.
In general, yeah, a little too much forced detail in the story, and "drunk adoption" is a bit of practical plot hole. I'd suggest simply setting the tense slightly different. That he does those things for her when she had too much to drink, but in a general sense, not specifically yesterday.
Overall though, I think the premise is excellent here, but could be polished a bit to make it even stronger.
I think part of what bothered me about this is that your plot details are, somewhat, at odds with your characterization.
On the one hand, you've got ponies you're taking pains to describe as caring, loving, thoughtful, etc.
On the other hand, you've got ponies who do something like adoption on a whim, and then apparently seriously consider just wimping out?
I dunno. I just can't make those two things jive. As it is, these ponies are either super unpredictable or the narrator is unreliable or... I'm not even sure, but it's causing problems for me and making the whole thing seem more than slightly ridiculous.
And maybe that's the point. Perhaps this is intended more like comedy than drama. But I just can't tell, I guess.
On the one hand, you've got ponies you're taking pains to describe as caring, loving, thoughtful, etc.
On the other hand, you've got ponies who do something like adoption on a whim, and then apparently seriously consider just wimping out?
I dunno. I just can't make those two things jive. As it is, these ponies are either super unpredictable or the narrator is unreliable or... I'm not even sure, but it's causing problems for me and making the whole thing seem more than slightly ridiculous.
And maybe that's the point. Perhaps this is intended more like comedy than drama. But I just can't tell, I guess.
Okay, if you’re going to use original characters, please come out and say it rather than distracting me for half of the story with trying to figure out which ponies just woke in bed with one another. And then there’s the intentional misdirection. I can appreciate effort to create a story that reads differently the second time, but I’d appreciate having any kind of stable footing on the first go-around.
And, you know, there’s the idea of adopting a child on a drunken whim and all of the problems that that entails, but the others have covered that thoroughly. This needs some serious rejiggering.
And, you know, there’s the idea of adopting a child on a drunken whim and all of the problems that that entails, but the others have covered that thoroughly. This needs some serious rejiggering.
Trotting over to the dresser, I pick up a brush and get to work on my mane, trying to tame the mass of red curls, "Goldy, can you help? I'm no good at these froufrou hair care things."
A white unicorn nicknamed Goldy? Boinking a mare who's shy about sex? Is... this a Project Horizons spin-off...?
Golden Light
Oh, okay. Never mind.
That's because your trying to use a coat cleaner in your mane, Misty."
It's a Pokemon thing, not a Project Horizons thing. Red mane, Misty... you see the connection.
"Chancy, wake up!
I was kidding about the Pokemon thing!
This isn't a story so much as it is the set-up for a sitcom. I can see it working if you think through the specifics of this little family you've got brewing here, but as a self-contained story, it's... it's just weird.