You’ve captured early morning Dash to a T, and you’ve compressed quite a lot of information into a little space without making it feel too rushed. I feel the beginning is the weakest bit with its redundant saidisms. The attitude adjustment at the end does feel a bit abrupt, but I can see how Dash was working her way up to that moment. In all, a fine little slice of life to go with the coffee.

Also, I love the double meaning of the title.

Why would Kerberos returning be a problem? Or was this before the sisters belly-rubbed him into taking on guard duty?

I saw where this was going from a mile away, but it still literally made me laugh out loud. It needs another pass to take care of some typos, but that barely detracts from the sheer fun. I’d love to see this expanded. ”Sister, about these trade proposals of yours…” “What? ‘Kill them and take their stuff’ has always worked for us up until now.”

>>Monokeras
Seconded. :-)

I’m afraid this only managed a glancing blow to the feels. I couldn’t help but feel some sympathetic anxiety given the lavish prose, but it did wear thin after a while. As the others have said, tone it down to where it doesn’t lose its impact through overexposure and you’ll be golden. That or provide some contrast with moments of hope and optimism regarding the student-to-be. An internal debate will be a lot more engaging than Celestia tormenting herself for over seven hundred words.

Okay, if you’re going to use original characters, please come out and say it rather than distracting me for half of the story with trying to figure out which ponies just woke in bed with one another. And then there’s the intentional misdirection. I can appreciate effort to create a story that reads differently the second time, but I’d appreciate having any kind of stable footing on the first go-around.

And, you know, there’s the idea of adopting a child on a drunken whim and all of the problems that that entails, but the others have covered that thoroughly. This needs some serious rejiggering.

What >>Trick_Question said. The concept is sound, but the execution is perhaps the worst possible way you could've done it. This is not the way to stand out in a Writeoff, especially for those of us who want to review every story. My thanks to the intrepid cryptologists who decoded the story; it really is quite fascinating once I actually get to read it. The problem is that I wasn't able to until they stepped in. Still, I definitely look forward to your future entries, and to what you do with this one.

Also, it's hard to justify the "locked in a room with a monster" plot when the victim can teleport. Just saying.

I can’t decide if the capitalized pronouns are a nice bit of incidental world building or an intrusion on the narrative flow. Still, aside from those and Celestia’s rather rapid recovery, this was quite nicely done. Fascinating contrast with “Favor Those Who Hold the Fire;” same base concept taken in very different directions.

Should you expand this, I’d love to know what became of the narrator. From the sound of it, she definitely didn’t stay in the kitchen for the rest of her life.

I can’t decide if the stupidity outweighs the humor here. The story definitely has both in droves, and I could actually see this kind of behavior taking place in Equestria after another century of technological and cultural development. The herd mentality is a pernicious thing.

In the end, as is, I think the good and bad roughly cancel each other. Don’t beat the joke to death and chronicle how Thorax managed to make friends after this faux pas and you’ll tip the scales in your favor.

The best praise I can lay down here is that this story whets an appetite for Twilight's parents that I didn't even know I had. In retrospect they should be an obvious target for emotional exploration, given the dangerous but dignified positions both their children end up with, but it's not something I can recall seeing anywhere.

Good job.

Genre: Heartstring tuggin'

Thoughts: I felt a huge amount of emotional resonance with this, perhaps given that I'm a parent as well, and I can imagine what the characters are experiencing. This tugged my heartstrings pretty hard, and I suspect that was rather the point, so kudos to you, Author.

With that said, I felt like the conclusion didn't quite tie things together thematically, which caused it to lack some oomph. There's an early theme of protectiveness that doesn't really get wrapped-up; it's mentioned and set aside, but I'm not convinced that Night Light is as persuaded by the counterpoint about Twilight turning out all right as the narrative makes him out to be. Wouldn't he have long since made his peace with that issue, or if not, then how would Velvet's quick rebuttal bring him around?

But look, the bigger point is that the story's good enough that we can quibble over such things.

Tier: Strong

Sorry, but this just doesn’t work. The truth of the matter doesn’t match the initial setup, making the whole story feel cheap. Also, Pinkie’s line fell flatter than a steamrolled flounder. Tone down the beginning to where it will fit the end and you’ll be well on your way to what you had in mind.

Now this is random comedy done right. Good flow, good absurdities, good stuff all around. Thank you for it.

Flying Scootaloo. You immediately have my interest and a generous share of goodwill.

Beautiful prose, but as others have said, you left yourself very little room for actual story. What there is is rushed as a result. Still, definitely an expansion to look forward to, especially if you plump out the backstory of just what happened that drove Sweetie out here.

Wasn’t a major point of the Season 6 premiere Twilight learning to step back and not micromanage every inch of her student’s curriculum? On the other hand, “Twilight Time” showed that she understood the principle of letting students teach themselves… Ugh. Never mind.

I do love seeing Trixie’s third-person tendencies behave contagiously.

In the end, while I like both the question and the intended solution, this doesn’t quite satisfy. At least one more conversation would be nice, giving the story a Rule of Three structure. I can only imagine Discord’s perspective on this…

I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded. For now, it doesn’t quite hit the mark.

I'm a bit surprised our intrepid mage didn't get a face full of hoof, or worse. Also curious if he got Twilight hair or Sweetie Belle hair. The former makes sense due to the obvious potential power boost because she's, you know, Tengen Toppa Twilight. But Sweetie makes sense since she's young and innocent and all that. Could go either way, and it's fun to speculate.

Fun to see some some D&D/Potter-esque crossover hijinks.

>>Trick_Question
Think "Holy Virgin Marey"

I like an eldritch Pinkie as much as the next guy if not more so, but the execution here falls flat. Pinkie’s nonsense usually has at least a thin current of logic running through it, even if it’s Wonderland logic; here it feels completely noncontinuous, at times downright nonsensical. And I don’t mean “Ha ha, how droll,” nonsense, I mean “That string of words does not parse as an actual sentence” nonsense. This will need a lot of work to get into a form comprehensible by mortal minds. Given that those comprise your reading audience, I strongly recommend making the effort.

If you'd like a recommendation, how about having Pinkie point out that without Celestia or Luna, no one's moving the sun and moon? Kind of a tip-off, and something that puts the entire world at risk, including Chrysalis's food supply and subjects.

A fascinating concept. The execution could use some polish, but the foundation is sound. I'd love to see more of this, especially if catalogued over multiple lifetimes.

I sincerely hope you participate in future Writeoffs now that you know how important it is to preserve your anonymity during the review portion of the contest.

Yeah, while the writing's certainly witty, and the gag with Rarity and her scissors sharp (:V), I can't help but fall in line with the points people are criticizing it on. Not much is done to contextualize what's going on with the protagonist and his familiar and to what universe they belong, and the last scene devotes more time than necessary to trivia. That's time that could be better spent clearing up the specifics of who and what these people are in relation to the MLP-verse.

Also, while I don't mind a good lolvirgin joke, using Twilight for such comedic material is kind of overplayed. Suppose they wound up at Twilight's instead of Rarity's, and you subvert the joke rather than playing it straight; Twilight's not a virgin and she's insulted by the assumptions the protagonist makes about her based on her lifestyle.

>>Trick_Question

However, this is inconsistent with the fact that Twilight's magic abilities in the show aren't native to her: they're specifically because she is studious (unlike the protagonists).

I don't think that's a hundred percent accurate. Most of it can be traced back to her hardcore bookishness, sure, but I think the show establishes Twilight is simply innately powerful. Or, at the very least, that she has incredible magical potential.

She's a unicorn whose special talent is magic, after all. If Boast Busters is anything to go by, that's unheard of. Of course, why Glimglam can match her spell for spell is a question that I don't think anybody has a sufficient answer for...

Like the others, I was really surprised to se a TCB story here. Unexpected is a bit of an understatement.

Now, I never read the original, so my familiarity with the setting came to be through cultural osmosis. Still, a superficial knowledge was enough to understand the story, so you did a good job there. Sadly it won't be enough for those who never heard about it.

As for the story itself, it had a strong opening but then devolved a bit in talking heads and deflated a bit. The anticlimatic ending is a viable choice, but then you probably need a stronger central conflict.

All in all, not bad but with much potential.

Also, the ethical failure stemming from converting a clearly drunk guy is kinda huge.

I liked this one despite having some issues with some of the wording.

Grief is a powerful force, and being forced to act by one's duties while one is mourning is a painful source of conflict. The theme you have chosen is a touching one indeed.

Now, my issues with some of the wording stems probably more from the idea of Celestia I have than from any kind of technical criticism. The spite we can hear from some of the phrasing seems a bit out of place. I could understand pain, desperation and hopelessness, but despising her ponies is something hard to swallow if you don't explain it somehow, which would be hard considering the word-limit.

Still, interesting and we'll written.

Twilight's struggle comes through quite well, and indeed the traumatic experience she went through justifies perfectly her reaction and what she writes.

My criticism here is more directed at the framing device. It feels more like she is talking to somepony instead of writing them (even if she will never send it).

Writing is such a different activity than talking that I felt the dissonance while reading it. That sadly detracted from my experience and from what is a powerful piece.

A bit of editing and maybe reframing it slightly should go a long way in improving a good story.

I'm familiar with Conversion Bureau through reputation alone, which was enough apparently since I wasn't caught off guard by the species swap. I get that you're trying to set up a legitimate reason to leave with the oil bit, but Aurora's outburst seems inconsistent with her otherwise kind and fairly collected nature.

I like badass princess as much as the next guy—maybe more—and Luna doing something useful warms my heart. It's nice to see Chrysalis's confidence boost from beating Celestia that one time not dampened after her resounding defeat. However, the inclusion of Thorax without any reference or link to anything he did canonically feels like fluff for its own sake. Granted I haven't caught the new season finale yet, so the misstep may be my own.

I will be tackling my review and/or critique a bit differently than what I'm used to doing. I've decided, since everyone's got a good handle of talking about conflict, characterization, and that sort of thing, to focus instead on the prose itself. In this critique, I will be attempting to examine how the word choice, sentence structure, order of events, and point of view influence the tone of the story, based on what it's trying to accomplish (from my perspective). Take this however you will.

For those looking for my general thoughts on this story, here it is: I thought it presented the conflict with a good amount of heart and a decent amount of pacing, but I feel like it didn't use the power of tears well enough to draw from it the full importance of it. The epistolary style is probably the right choice, but I think the story's actually too much written as a standard story to get the full effect of it.

And author, whoever you may be, the criticisms I have aren't meant to be discouraging; they are merely my observations, and my attempts to extrapolate what I liked and didn't like, and why I felt it hurt the tone and events of the story. Take them for however you will, but please keep that in mind.



Firstly, I will confess that I review epistolary stories far more harshly than I do regular stories. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because people don't really get the full weight of someone's letters or journal entries, the weight that can't be conveyed in regular storytelling; or it may be because people often confuse writing letters/journal entries with stream-of-consciousness, and the two have a different significance to each of them. That could be the pretentious critic in me, though, but keep that in mind when I say that the epistolary form isn't done complete justice. In this story's case, it comes close to being a great epistolary, but there are word and punctuation choices that make me feel like I'm reading a story trying to be an epistolary.

Let me point them out in order:

I write this letter, unsure if I will even send it. I think I just need to hear the scratch of a quill on paper to feel some sense of normalcy at the moment. I... I broke down in tears a moment ago, as my usual outlet for cathartic writing is my journal.

It's a pet peeve of mine whenever I see ellipses in a letter or journal entry. I don't see the value in pausing there, or in the narrator pausing there. She could've just hesitated before writing again, and we the readers could've wondered about her mindset as she was writing it. As it is, it makes that section sound like dialogue, rather than a privately written thought in a letter.

I know I'm lucky to have survived. More lucky still that my friends were spared as well. Lucky thrice over that only property and possessions—not lives—were lost when Tirek attacked. I confess I even felt a sort of "high" in my victory yesterday.

This is a bit worse. I can understand that that interruption with the em-dashes is proper, but it makes it sound a lot less personal. And putting the quotes around "high" really fetters the freedom that comes with writing a letter you're not sure you'll send. It's trying to be too story-like, and even if it is to show Twilight's personality in regards to that lingo, I personally find it distracting. To me, that signals that it's not Twilight that's writing it; it's you writing Twilight writing it.

How do you do it, Princess? I know you've been to battle—faced loss so many more times than I. Does it wear on you the same? Do you weep uncontrollably into your pillow, even as the brightness of day shines through the window? Do you hear the victory parade outside celebrating your success, yet find yourself hiding in the cellar? Is this what it's like to win?

This might be nitpicky, but I think you veered too much into poetic territory. It's not natural-sounding, and I don't think you're getting much value adding it here. She's talking about crying into her bed and crying uncontrollably; what does a cellar have to do with that thought?

So why doesn't it feel like it? Why can I think of nothing but how close I came to losing everything; to losing everypony!

You know, because of this particular sentence, I went and looked at the history of italics to see if it could actually work in handwriting (or hoofwriting or hornwriting or what-have-you). This is more because it personally bothers me to see italics in epistolary, and not because of any sort of rules. Short answer (for me, at least): italics were a specific way to print works back in the 16th century, and took on their meaning of emphasizing important words later on. So for me, italics in non-typed epistolary (like this one) doesn't work, but that's a very minor nitpick.

It's the pressure. It must be the pressure. How can so much depend on one awkward, nervous librarian! I'm nopony! I don't even known what I'm doing most of the time. I freak out about overdue books! I almost destroyed the timeline because of homework! How can so much possibly depend on me?!

Now here's where I think the epistolary is done well. The entire paragraph is a free, unfettered confession of her thoughts, still trying to maintain rationality while coming to grips with her inner thoughts. The underlined parts drive it home, and this is what I love about confession moments; you see things that have lingered on someone's mind for a while get wrapped within an internal conflict, adding to the despair the character's feeling. You probably could've done without the "it's the pressure. It must've been the pressure," and dived immediately into questioning herself; I feel the mention of pressure is an attempt on the author's part to rationalize it, fettering it unnecessarily.

I landed, there in the ashes of my old home. And I wept. Oh, how I wept. I cried so long I began to wonder if it was genuinely possible to run out of tears. Could a pony actually cry so hard that her tear ducts broke? Distracted by the question, I stood up, thinking to retrieve a biology book I shelved a few weeks ago. Then I remembered where I was and there was a catch in my throat as my hooves again felt unsteady beneath me. But curiosity overwhelmed sadness, and I began to dig in the ashes anyway.

A minor complaint, but I think using "sadness" here puts this moment a little bit in the observation point of view (her curiosity overwhelmed her sadness) and less on the immediate moment (my curiosity overwhelmed me). I'm not sure if I got that across well.

Nothing.

Will.

Break!!

I have to agree with >>FanOfMostEverything here: the double exclamation marks are distracting, and it does just seem like she wants to shout, shout, and let it all out. Well, these are the things I can do without. (tried adding a YouTube video here, but it didn't work. :()

I think that's everything about the style itself. It's small things like that that distract me from getting the full experience from your work. Epistolaries can be unfettered confessions of one's thoughts (in journal) or can express confidante (I don't mean confidence, even though that can also be expressed) and fear of saying too much (in letter). Writing this as a letter that may not be sent, in full confidence of their confidante, in place of a journal entry, and being so neat and observational in those places blunts the impact that the form can have.

Now, I don't want you thinking that I think it's all bad. Even though I think the form is flawed, the heart in the story is really strong. Your word choice and sentence order express a weariness from all of the sadness and anger she's felt, and it's consistently held up. I like the order it went through, from confessing that she's sad, to wondering how Celestia feels in the face of such pressure, to going off and facing her sadness. Each moment is drawn out and given enough time to develop Twilight's feelings.

How do you do it, Princess? I know you've been to battle—faced loss so many more times than I. Does it wear on you the same? Do you weep uncontrollably into your pillow, even as the brightness of day shines through the window? Do you hear the victory parade outside celebrating your success, yet find yourself hiding in the cellar? Is this what it's like to win?

I won. I know I did.

I won. Tirek is locked away.

I won! My friends are all safe.

I WON!!!!

So why doesn't it feel like it? Why can I think of nothing but how close I came to losing everything; to losing everypony! Tirek almost killed you, almost killed Luna, Cadance, my friends... He almost killed us all. He was this close to victory. Had I failed to dodge just one magic blast, one thrown boulder... one single mistake, and I would have died, and everything and everypony I cared about would likely have died with me.

It's the pressure. It must be the pressure. How can so much depend on one awkward, nervous librarian! I'm nopony! I don't even known what I'm doing most of the time. I freak out about overdue books! I almost destroyed the timeline because of homework! How can so much possibly depend on me?!

By the way, going back and bolding/litalicizing things when I cope-paste things is a right pain. XD

Anyway, I think this is a particularly good scene. Twilight incrementally attempts to convince herself that she was victorious, each moment using a greater weight and more frantic tactic, but in the end she confesses that she doesn't feel like it. She compares her suffering to Celestia's, simultaneously drawing her mentor closer to her in her mind while also implying that she perhaps shouldn't be so worked up about being victorious. The prose is a bit flowery for my tastes, and there are some odd word uses (all of which are bolded for you to consider). But this, in particular, uses the right words, the right moments of stress, and stays true to the epistolary form.

The major power behind the tone of this story is how weary everything sounds. Except for when it's fettered by odd word choices and punctuation, your word choice meanders from thought to thought while still moving at a brisk pace. The word choice is personal, not too complicated (most of the time), and, I think most importantly, encompasses Twilight's perception of the scope of her actions. From focusing on herself to focusing on everything, to once again allowing herself to focus on herself, was a nice sandwiching, and I appreciate that in this story, we got to feel the weight of what happened at every moment. You were on point in terms of emotion! :)

With that being said, I did feel that there were word choices (yes, again with that) that interfered with the above. I didn't bring it up before because these don't interfere with the form; they interfere with the message.

I... I broke down in tears a moment ago, as my usual outlet for cathartic writing is my journal. But as I rose from the bed in this cold and sterile new castle, I remembered my journal burned to ashes along with the rest of my home.

"Cold and sterile," especially sterile, seems like it's trying to force a negative view of the castle only so the old home can be seen positively. And this may be a nitpick, but using "as" as you did, it brings to light that Twilight's crying for catharsis WAY TOO EARLY. This is a big problem with your story in general, the biggest one as far as I'm concerned: it tries to show us the power of tears, but does it too spread out. The big moment is when she's faced with her destroyed home, and then cries for catharsis: doing it here, and then saying that it's for catharsis, weakens the moment.

At least in my opinion.

All the fear and doubt and rage and anger and sadness of the past few days feels like it just came flooding back all at once.

This has a nice cadence to it. :)

Is that how it's supposed to work? We bottle up those feelings when we can't afford to endure them, but have to pay for it later in tears?

I feel like "afford to" cheapens the confusion that Twilight is probably feeling; it makes it too clear that she couldn't afford to let herself be sad or angry in the heat of battle, and can be that way alone. That's true, but it interferes with her desire to feel victorious and glad that her friends and family and everything is safe. It takes attention away from that.

Is this what it's like to win?

I don't understand why she's asking this. She says later that she doesn't feel like she's winning; besides, Celestia's lost things and ponies before, and Twilight didn't. It can be written off as a heat-of-the-moment comment, and I can let that slide, but please consider this: Is Twilight's victory with no losses and with the possibility of losing really aptly comparable to Celestia's winning with losses? It may be, but I don't think so.

Then I remembered where I was and there was a catch in my throat as my hooves again felt unsteady beneath me.

I like this immediacy. :)

Against all odds, a few tomes survived, among them, "Salty Sea's Synopsis of the Sinuses." The outer pages were ruined with water damage, but the section I needed was still legible.

I really like the subtle symbolism here. With everything burned to ashes, the thing she needed was damaged... with water. It was still protected, presumably by water! What are the odds? It shows that water, be it regular water or tears, can be healing. There may be damage on the outside, but what is inside is still functional. The water just needs to be gotten past.

Super kudos to you!

If I were to offer up one final nitpick, I would recommend staying away from the multiple exclamation marks next to one another. I don't know if they can be effectively used together (even though I actually have mental rules for using multiple exclamation marks and the order of interrobangs, because I'm a weirdo), but it takes the intense moments of emotional expression and, in my eyes, makes them seem emo. It may be applicable in certain situations, but I couldn't tell you where. It doesn't work here, though.

And those are my thoughts and observations. The meat of the story is very nice, the consistency of sentences and time devoted to each moment is appreciative, and the catharsis is nice to read. The "flaws" in summary were impersonal, too-technical and passionless word and punctuation choices, some flowery phrases, and revealing the answer way too early, thus blunting the impact of the big moment (where she breaks down). Still, this doesn't completely ruin it. It's not the strongest or tightest story I've read here, but it still has a very good heart, and I would recommend an expansion of it, should you wish to do so.

And once again, please don't be discouraged if you're prone to being so. These are merely my observations, take them with a grain of salt.

Again:

I find myself straggling in a day later and saying "I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything." :)

There's something here if you want to dig for it, author, but it'd take a bit more than a minific to unearth. If, for instance, you wanted to take the Blueblood-with-Fluttershy's-personality you've proposed here and try to show why his default in social situations is to behave boorishly. Or have him surrounded by sycophants who he usually treats terribly so he has no idea how to behave when he meets someone like Rarity. Or make him an unreliable narrator, convinced that he's just misunderstood while showing us that he's really every bit as awful as he was portrayed in the show.

There's a lot of things you can do with this idea, but just telling us "He's really a nice pony," well, that's one of the things they mean when they say "show, don't tell"...

Mike

This is:

A terrific idea, but, well, time travel stories tend to confuse me. I mean, does the first scene take place in a world where Discord never did all the stuff Discord did, and it's only by going back in time that Gem changes Equestria into the world we know from the show? 'Cause if you want to do that, author--and you'd pretty much have to for the story to work--I'd suggest making it really clear that we're in an alternate world that has never know Discord when the story starts.

Mike

There's a strong conflict between Celestia's duty and immediate feelings of "to hell with all of it" that I dig. It's not a side of her we get to see often but it makes sense given the situation, even if she feels a hair too willing to commit genocide for the sake of peaceful mourning.

Still, a great read.

I agree with Trick in that the headcanon displayed here about Celestia is this story. It doesn't set out to do much but it is something.

As someone who has a looser policy on sticking exactly to canon (without outright contradicting it), I did like this story. I thought it was a calm and sweet story, and made me happy for both Luna and Celestia. The thing is, that's all the story is, though. It's a quick foray into some nice headcanon, and that's about it. Sets out to do what it intends (for me, at least, though Trick makes some good points about the intracacies of this compared to canon that need more explanation), but it doesn't reach higher than that for me.

It feels complete and sweet, but petite. Too short, I think, and not substantial enough to have more of an impact. But it did have somewhat of an impact, so I think the author did something right :>

Convenient that she found a book on the same specific subject matter she was thinking about when most of her library got kablooweed.

Oh, but that's a nitpick, and I won't hold it against the story.

Actually, yeah, I agree with DevoteeToJustAboutTotality. The ending doesn't feel like Twilight's overcoming an emotional hurdle. She sounds more broken than when the story started. I think it's the way it's written; it comes across like a breakdown, and "nothing will break" like a madness mantra.

Is that what you were going for? Because we see in the show that she isn't over the loss of her home by a longshot (until her friends uproot the stump and shove it in her living room), so if you wanted her to come away from this experience in a worse position than when she started out, I guess you accomplished that. And that is a legitimate direction to take things in this story. Perfectly in character, too.

But I doubt it. If you're going to revise, it's that last part you want to focus on.

I couldn't help but feel disoriented through the first half. It wasn't exactly clear to me that this was an alcohol-induced hangover until halfway through, when they explcitl stated it was due to alcohol. I looked through to see if there was enough of a hint of the alcohol but that was up when Rainbow says "for their first time". I don't know if that's enough of a hint. It still could've been some potion for all I know. They don't even say it's cider until later.

Now, I'm sure readers more perceptive than me will pick that up. It's a pretty recognizable hangover-type story, after all (and it's an obvious interpretation of "The Morning After"), and I think most people could pick it up. But I think I would've appreciated more of a hint, because I was trying to figure out the AJ's mistake bit and the CMC-headache bit at the same time and was getting distracted.

On that note, it is a typical hangover-type story. The only thing that made it non-typical was the "AJ's mistake" bit, which doesn't feel all that innovative by itself? There wasn't much else that led me to enjoy the story. The jokes in here didn't really land for me (the breakfast line, for example). The hangover stuff by itself can be relatable, sure, but that alone isn't enough to make me laugh or entertain me otherwise. So, this story didn't do much for me.

Side note: isn't "hair of the dog that bit you" in reference to: if you get a hangover, more alcohol is the solution? (In theory, that is but I doubt that's the case). Just seemed like a title that didn't exactly fit. Or is it that the sisters are the cure for helping them through the hangover? I dunno.

>>Monokeras
<3

Maybe I will partly echo what the others have already said. The story feels like you shoehorned it into a stereotyped template: question, personal research, answer. That's very academic.

The idea is fine, as well as the way you conflated two episodes to raise a good question. It's the treatment of it that lacks originality. Because of that rigid frame, even the plot feels contrived, devised to fit into that structure.

Take the same, expand it, think a bit outside the box, and you'll be fine.

>>CoffeeMinion
Also <3

Aha.

I bet this was written by someone who has no children.

I'll expand on that tomorrow, but when you do raise two children at home, this sort of fiction sounds both idealistic and gushy ;)

I'm dispensing with my usual review format because I'm unsure if I can give this a high rating or if I need to abstain. I think the story's setup is very strong and funny, but I find the prank itself really off-putting. I could maybe see Trixie going for this... maybe... and BTW, clever use of the title in there. I just struggle and fail to see Starlight doing something like this to Twilight, and that's overpowering my appreciation for the execution here. I also end up wondering (because if Starlight went this far, why not go full-on) if the dream itself is part of a mind-screw spell to help set things up, and that doesn't assuage any of my oogy feelings here.

I actually liked the ending, especially the double exclamation marks.
On the other hand... the ending reads almost like Twilight is feeling elated and joyous at her discovery, which probably wasn't what you were going for (I understand you meant this to be an echo of the earlier "I won!!!", i.e. Twilight yelling at herself in frustration, attempting to overcome her own mental hurdle.)

Several people have suggested that the wand was made of Sweetie Belle's hair; I do hope though that's not what the author intended. It'd just feel kinda creepy and inappropriate if a child was given such a role, in a story where the joke basically relies on pondering the characters' sex lives. (Plus, the ending wouldn't make much sense in this case.)

Based on the maids and the lock down I figure this is immediately following Sunset buggering off to the other world. It's never explicitly stated, that I can recall, how old/when Sunset ran off, but given the nearness of Twilight and Sunset's ages in the human world I always assumed Sunset wasn't that much older. Based on Twilight's age here that would still leave Sunset being pretty darned young. But! Canonical ambiguity.

The smell on Celestia I could see being booze, as others have said, or the general haze of her divine BO after a few too many days huddled up in her room. Grief is strange.

Also echoing what other comments, the last two paragraphs ruin the emotional high. There's plenty enough emotion wrapped up in my faithful student without having to lay it out for us. It's enough to know it started here, which Celestia's hesitation in saying makes pretty clear, I think.

>>Posh
I'm not sure I agree entirely. Keep in mind that cutie marks appear after a talent begins to be mastered. Twilight hatched Spike after she worked her ass off as a foal to learn magic earlier than other foals do; only then did she earn her mark.

There's a question about destiny, yes, but I think in general that's been shown to be secondary to effort (which is always necessary).

I love the premise. And the lead-up. The only problem is the prose, which is pretty harsh in places.

The whole "everypony has mysteriously vanished" is a premise that I enjoy. It is a good start for a larger horror or adventure story, depending on your preference and on just how sinister the vanishing is.

I also appreciate the way that you transition from scene to scene in this (regardless of the prose.) The scenes begin cheerful and serene. It does feel like maybe we are following an animal at first, until the huge scene transitions later. Even at first hint that ponies are not where they're supposed to be, it seems more like maybe there's an event somewhere. I got the distinct impression that it was something that was more a change in routine than a disaster, and that only certain ponies were missing. It felt more like a disaster towards the end of the ponyville segment when you realize how many are gone. But still, it felt more like an unplanned rush or maybe emergency evacuation. Then the crashed chariot provides the first real hint that something sinister has happened and that an actual "vanishing" has occurred. This is when you get the feeling, like from the Langoliers, that ponies vanished mid-task.

Tldr: I like the slow pace and building tension/horror up to the reveal.

The prose is the part that doesn't work. It feels like it's trying to be a poem while simultaneously not, which, unfortunately, pulled me right out of the story. A little polish on the prose will help this story go a long way.

It feels like it could be a stand alone "the day the ponies vanished" story or a lead up to a larger action or horror story.

>>JudgeDeadd
The most disturbing aspect to me is that it is implied that the protagonist examined Rarity's vagina. He didn't cast a spell to determine she was a virgin, he looked under her tail.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned that up in the comments above...

I'd like to take a second pass at this now that I realize I was missing some of the story here.

The prose is still too obtrusive, I think, and I think what happened was that the obtrusive prose made me tune out and skim the sections, thinking all was well after the first paragraph's last sentence [Within the Everfree, the day dawned as normal.]. It's a shame the prose got in the way of the story underneath. I missed some things (though the chariot through the roof should've tipped me off) and I realized the story is more than just pets waking up.

I now see the underlying sense of unease. I now see the [Sheets never once seen left unmade before, always immaculate come dawn, until now.] bits that tip off everypony is gone. I like it. It's interesting. I still have some problems with it, though.

If I could interpret this sentence:

In the other, a circle, spitting and hissing in spell-flame sapphire, shattered crystals set to nearby nexii, as last tendrils of magic crumbled, faded away, and the forlorn clatter of garb of state bounced and came to rest upon the stones below.

...then I might know what's going on, but I can't. Or, at least, it'd ruin my immersion to hop on to google and search "nexii", or spend a minute trying to interpret "forlorn clatter of garb of state". I get the sense it's a dark magic spell that whisked everypony away, but even then, that's still barely a story. It's presenting the problem and briefly exploring the immediate consequence, but a lot of the "why" is missing, and the characters are (obviously) missing too.

It's a unique way of approaching this concept, I think. The prose needs some work to not be obtrusive; I should want to read it a second time, not have to. I also think this needs more story to be a story. What is here doesn't feel like enough.

A few bits of this aren't quite English: I can't parse "she cast blearily around", for one example; mismatched prepositions for another. It's not a big problem, but you'll want a proofreader to assist you if you want to publish later.

I see this as almost-random comedy, so I don't expect much to fit with canon necessarily. I'm not sure setting this post-Discord seems realistic, though. Also, to make this seem like it fits FiM, it might help if we had a sense of why/how Celie's personality ends up changing over the years. Maybe an offhand comment from her that gives us a clue about how she'll change.

The last line isn't necessary: the reader realizes this is Equestria from the very beginning, so I wouldn't end on that. Ending the sentence "chase us out of..." would be better.

Trololol

I mean, I haven't read anything from the flood of other election/pony stories that other commentators say exists. And sometimes transparent parallels are good for a giggle and there's nothing more to it. But that's the issue in the end: there's nothing more to this. And it needed more to elevate it beyond the realm of "quick laugh, immediately forgotten". (And I would not have read this if I saw it anywhere except in the writeoff.)

More time on Celestia and Luna and their anti-democracy stance played for more comedy, as >>Cassius suggests, would have been fun.

>>Trick_Question
I think a closer reading shows that he looked at her tail (which, we must grant, is fabulous), but that he cast a spell to make the, ah, determination.

...

Proper review coming later (maybe). Short version: it worked for me.

I like this, but I don't know that I agree with the message completely.

First of all, Chrysalis does care about her Hive: she's a mother to all of them, raising them the best way she knows how to feed and care for them. So even at Chryssi's darkest, I don't agree there's a difference there. If anything, Chrysalis was thinking of others while Starlight was concerned only with herself!

I think the difference is two things: Starlight realized she made a mistake, and she feels guilty for the mistake. Chrysalis hasn't shown either one of those virtues, especially not the latter one. Ever since she reformed, Starlight has felt guilty. Ponies who are 'evil' don't think they're capable of doing anything wrong, and they don't stew in depression like Starlight is doing throughout this story. I think that's a stronger message because Starlight shows that behavior throughout this entire story, from beginning to end.

In general, wondering if you're terrible is excellent evidence you're not—take that from somepony who knows it all too well. I might be biased because it's a lesson I've had to learn, but it's the biggest takeaway I get from this, so I had to mention it.

This leaves me with a lot of questions because you aren't clear enough about who was actually with Dash.

In canon, Rainbow Dash knows she caused a Sonic Rainboom when she was just a filly. So I'm assuming that this story takes place in one of the worlds that Starlight Glimmer caused, and Dash was with other companions (which might make some sense)? I think we need more information to confirm that that's what you're referring to.

But then, the title doesn't make a lot of sense because it's a reference to something that never happened in this iteration, and the Nightmare did not tempt Dash in the same way she was originally tempted.

I'm okay with most of this, but I think it needs clarity to seem genuine.

"Tangled Rainbow Bedmane" is officially my new garage band name.

I like the story, but I would like some more shipping overtones, please. You were headed there with the roses but then you became a horrible docktease. Boo, author. Booooooo! :ajbemused:

>>Trick_Question
I'm with CoffeeMinion. Based on the line:

“Shut up.” Raindolph crept around to the back side of the bed and inspected the coiled tail, but a few quick magical gestures made his heart sink.

It really seems like the purity check was done via magic. Less invasive, but certainly no less rude.

This is very nice, but I don't believe the resolution for a moment. You simply can't do a story like this as a minific, because the issue can't be as simple as it's being laid out. This needs more space and depth to shine.

Corduroy. (shudder) I've always hated the feel of corduroy, even before I turned five. And a pillow?!

"...the earth pony strength behind it..."

Yay, author! That more than redeems you. :twilightsmile:

...hmm. Okay, this is pretty weird. I'm not sure I quite grasp how a sugar addiction, given that there are no signs Minuette is diabetic or overweight, could possibly have these sorts of effects. This piece is too serious for such a random bit of bizarre headcanon. I honestly don't get it.

Plus, you have the protagonist replacing sugar with alcohol as being "better" for her addiction-wise, which only compounds the premise into something even more bizarre. (Especially given who the protagonist is.)

I mean, if this makes any sense, then shouldn't Pinkie Pie be dead by now? (Granted, I'm speaking as somepony who shares Pinkie's metabolism to a T.)

Wait, and why the hey do they serve so much sugar at foal's birthdays, exactly as the story describes?!

You're an amazing author and I'm confused as buck. Wat, author. Just... wat.

"You have a place, I won't deny, but now that place is changing, Doubt, has broadened, widened, grown refined. You play along or die."

Several of the lines here are perfect poetry both in rhyme and meter (rime and metre?), and I can't imagine that was by chance. It adds something even if it isn't consistent—and I might like it better that way.

I have to suppose that the protagonist is another of Luna's emotions, like Love or Forgiveness or something like that. Nothing else makes sense with all the puzzle pieces. I think you've gone too subtle for your own good because that lack of reveal makes it feel incomplete to me... so why not use the title cleverly? I've no doubt you're capable of it.

>>CoffeeMinion
>>Rao
Ah, I can see it now! Originally, I thought his heart sinking was more related to doing something that allowed him to notice the scissors at his neck... too quick a read.

Honestly, though, it's a little weird and gross either way, no? Despite fairy tales, I have a hard time visualizing virginity as this binary component that magic can easily detect because it's so important to know whether a mare has been 'ruined' or not. (I might be a bit cynical at the moment: please ignore.)

Here I am again:

Agreeing with >>GroaningGreyAgony and >>FanOfMostEverything, though I find myself preferring the term "faery moose" for the new changeling form. Recasting the story as a dialogue instead of a monologue would make it more entertaining and would allow for a deeper exploration of the post metamorphosis mindset, but it would also fundamentally change the whole concept of the piece. Maybe just have someone else wake up at the end so our narrator can describe how the sensation of looking at another changeling has changed? That would let us see the effect the narrator tells us about in the last line.

Mike

Your prose is very detailed and interesting with great descriptors, but there are some English issues. The first sentence has no verb, and the second possessive should be a plural, and there's a lot of issue with tense going on: you're using past tense correctly, but you keep mixing in phrases that have present-tense verb-like forms in them and those don't work together. I can't use the right terminology for it or point out every issue, but I know there are a bunch of tense problems because I'm a native English speaker over 40 in academia. :derpytongue2:

Hopefully somepony more expert than I can assist. I think you'll need a proofreader before publishing, though.

Okay, this is pretty depressing! I feel like the story is incomplete, however, because I'm not following exactly what happened. My best guess is that Luna tried casting some crazy spell and it instantly eradicated all ponies from Equestria? But why? This is the sort of thing that certainly has emotion, but it demands some kind of 'why' before I can feel anything. Otherwise, it's just sad for the sake of sad, bereft of meaning.

Holy horse jesus, does this story ever speak to me. :pinkiegasp: I really have to dig to find anything to say.

I think there's a little bit of repetition in the prose (it's not bad! ...but it exists) and because of that, I'm not sure how you'll expand this to 1,000 words if you want to put it on Fimfiction. This is the perfect length already, so you might need to think hard on what to add rather than padding it. (And you had damn-well better put this up on Fimfiction!)

I totes def. appreciate that you didn't go with the eye-rolling 'single tear' trope, but I'm tempted to say you should have been just a tiny bit more subtle on the third-from-last line. I'm not sure I'm right about this, but I kind of like ...an unfamiliar sensation of wetness... instead because it avoids the explicit mention of tears. But I'm probably overthinking this because I can't find any obvious flaws.

/)^3^(\

This is an interesting slice of life, but I'm a little confused about why they're handling the CMC so roughly when the situation isn't their fault. AJ should be WAY more apologetic than this, even if it was an honest (heh) mistake. In general, they're not being up front with the fillies, and I get the feeling it's because you're trying to turn this into a twist (making it seem like they're in trouble at first, then not). I don't think it's a good twist here because it makes the approach the mares are using seem very unsettling considering what's happening.

At the end of the story, I don't feel like there's been a strong conclusion. Something here needs to grow or change, and it should probably pertain to the relationship between the CMC and their sisters (or at least AJ).

Separately, I'm confused how somepony could have a hangover from a quantity of cider too small for them to realize they were drunk (or that something strange was going on).

Wow. This is incredibly powerful, and the premise took me by surprise once I got to it. (I think it's slightly noncanonical due to the rapid effects of the artifact, but I don't care—it's more realistic and deep.)

I'm not sure the titular repetition reinforces the premise as much as it could have, had you chosen something different... but it does illustrate the mother's primary concern which works well for establishing mindset.

Sorry, I don't really have much I can suggest for this one.

This is good, but writing a letter about crying is a telly way to give emotion. It would be much harder to write some of this in normal prose form and show us what Twilight is experiencing, but ultimately I think it would be more impactful.

I don't think it's wrong to make this a letter, mind you: I just don't think the entire thing should be tell. You can intersperse letter and scene, and this could end up a lot stronger that way.

Okay, that's half of them. Time for a restless night's sleep... or, maybe the trazodone will do its job. :twilightsmile:

>>Trick_Question

Corduroy. (shudder)

I believe the author is referring to a good old Dad joke:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
oh my god that's awful

Might as well comment on the story.

This is a pretty interesting look at addiction from a rather unusual perspective, which I found rather pleasant to read.

I'm not reeeeally a fan of being told through dialogue what happened last night, here. It feels overly telly and it's just tough trying to piece together what happened and also trying to follow Pinkie's reasoning. I think it's because this story is all dialogue, so it's going a bit too fast and telling me too much for me to digest.

It also feels a bit... contrived, like it doesn't all jive together. I mean, sure, the problem feels like a legit problem for Pinkie to have, and she does get extremely depressed sometimes. FoME points out that the problem feels like it's solved too quickly, and I agree with that. I might also point out that the turning point (when Pinkie starts to listen to Rarity's reasoning) is triggered by a very similar line of dialogue. Let me show you what I mean:

“If you so terribly hate who you are, then why not just be who you want to be?”

Pinkie responds to this immediately with an answer.

“If there’s somepony you want to be, and that’s not who you are right now, why aren’t you that pony?” Rarity reiterated.

Pinkie hesitates [“I—I don’t know,”]

I'll assume that's just an accidental inconsistency, but it does stick out.

I feel like what happened here is the outline of this story involved beats or plot points to hit, and I should note, the pacing feels natural for a helping-a-friend-get-over-something-moderately-sad kind of story. It's just that the dialogue in between feels a bit stilted between the telling about events last night and the generic-feeling emotional dialogue. Like you did a paint-by-numbers picture instead of something that looks like it was made from scratch, and not only that, but the colours don't quite match up.

Also, the joke at the end doesn't really fit. It's just awkwardly set up. I get pumpkin spice lattes are an easy target, but a reference to it is not funny by itself.

I'm fairly certain this story is going for comedy. I wasn't sure if Twilight being entitled was just plain OOC, but I think it was just going for jokes there.

This story just feels like a few jokes strung together, and the jokes mostly don't do anything for me. The scorpion joke is going for random humour (besides being a reference), but random humour for the sake of random doesn't do it for me. Twilight's entitlement bits just seem too cynical for me. I might've liked it if it came from a more innocent place ("You'd think they wouldn't charge you." "Huh. Yeah, I mean, I've saved Ponyville how many times now?"); something like that would both be in character and it could be funny, too.

The crystal castle being big and generic-looking is a good joke, though, although the execution is a little botched. But for the most part, the jokes don't really land for me. Feels kind of flat and forgettable. Oh, and there were some grammar errors, too (comma splices and misplaced commas).

>>Trick_Question
I mean, if it bugs you it bugs you, but it's not unheard of as a trope. Consider the recent show Galavant (which was excellent and featured Weird Al a few times), where they did basically the opposite of this by making unicorns gravitate toward the virgin king.

With that said, I took the ponies... ah, status... as merely a contributor to the humor here. I've seen people drawing parallels between this and Potter, but for me, all the irresponsible and ill-conceived magic going on give this more of a Discworld vibe. As such, I didn't think the words spent on the professor were wasted at all; they help establish this as a tale of the other world first, and a pony tail (ha, ha) second.

Thrust me, I know how hard it is to get accepted at school!

I read this fic yesterday (didn't get recorded, unfortunately) but accidentally reading "Thrust me" out loud was the highlight of my day :D I get it's probably an unintentional misspelling of "Trust me", but nonetheless, thank you, author. :P

While I'm here, I'll give my thoughts.

Something about this seems subtly creepy. I don't know what Discord's offer was. I'd like to think Discord was trying to help, but the tone makes me think it's something dark. I'm going to give the story the benefit of the doubt, but I would like to note that I think it's a side effect of not actually revealing what Discord has in mind.

So, giving this the benefit of the doubt, I'll assume Discord is simply giving them a place to stay. If that's the case, I like the idea, but this story doesn't feel complete or satisfying. Perhaps Discord opening up or appealing to the Dazzlings' emotions would've been more satisfying, but the reasons the Dazzlings follow him are "brainworms"-esque [As if he had planted a string to our hands, we followed him. Curious to see something. Anything.]. Obviously, they're desperate, but I feel like it lacks emotional depth.

I liked this. It was a funny subversion; I don't think it was necessarily implying "alcohol addiction is less of a problem than sugar addiction" like some people seem to have read it. Back in the day it used to get joked about a lot after Spike and Pony Joe's "I think you've had enough" line.

I didn't notice it at the time but Minuette is an odd choice after Amending Fences. She could have been pretty much anypony and the story would still have worked, though, so not a big flaw to me.

>>CoffeeMinion
After some consideration, and seeing the lack of other reviews, it's probably better if I give this a Strong rating on the basis of its technical merits rather than leave it as an Abstain. I just can't quite get into this one, but neither can I deny it's well-done.

The Great

A very novel take on the prompt.

Quite solid dialogue beats, particularly from Rainbow Dash.

The Rough

Echoing the above, the story feels... very disconnected from anything. I can generally piece together the sequence of events for Rainbow Dash, but, at some level, it feels a bit... unearned? I dunno, it just doesn't resonate well with me. Similarly, Violet's own emotional distress is something I have a bit of trouble connecting to. Ultimately, I guess this really feels like a scene trimmed out of a larger work, rather than a standalone piece.

The Great

Solid writing all around. Very nice interaction between Rain and his familiar here.

The Rough

A bit of an idiot ball plot here. Like, I realize the answer is "because we'd have no story," but seriously, why was trying to steal them his first instinct? Like, he -clearly- entered a dimension where the creatures were intelligent and civilized. There are potential answers for this question, of course, but it bugs me from the get go.

The ultimate punchline kinda falls flat to me. Like, I get it, but the way it's delivered forced me to think about it for a second (i.e. wait, did Raindolph just fuck up his wand himself or was it just uber powerful Twilight hairs). It wasn't much, but that momentary disconnect robbed the punchline of it's power.

The Great

Very, very neat world construction. I know this is short thing to say, but it really is super excellent. The Great Serpent Mountains sound rad.

The Rough

Unfortunately, that neat world construction comes at the cost of the remainder of the story. Writing Excuses loves to talk about the MICE quotient, and I think this is a good time to bring it up. The way this story is structured, it seems to promise us a story about the mountains (a milieu story), but then swerves and delivers something else entirely (an event story, Sweetie Belle has gone away and Scootaloo brings her back).

This isn't to say you can't be descriptive and write interesting places into your stories! It is just that, in these circumstances, you bury the lead way too deep. I'm 531 words deep by the time the actual core of the story is laid out.

When I saw the prompt, one of the first things that occurred to me was an election joke. I'm glad I didn't, because you did it better than I ever could have.

Yeah, it's just a joke retelling of the admittedly absurd to begin with election, but there's nothing wrong with that. It was funny. And I don't agree that it was even really politically charged; I mean, if there's a message in the story, it's that "Democracy doesn't work" and I don't think that's really something people are going to seriously take from it.

>>Orbiting_kettle
Man, I'd so be up for a Fafhrd and Grey Mouser-esque pony story. I still need to hunt down two or three short story collection, on that note...

The Great

This is actually very much my style of fantasy. Sword and sorcery nonsense with just a little cheek. Just legitimately fun and got a smile out of me.

The Rough

Technically this needs some work. List should be using commas, not semicolons, the interrobang is kinda meh punctuation, etc.

This is one of those YMMV things, but even liking the story, it is really hard to ignore that this feels immensely OOC given what we know of their past. Basically, this strikes me as very AU, which is hard to deal with in less than a thousand words.

At the beginning I thought the missing articles, verbs and the capitalization of nouns was used to communicate the altered perception of the being seeing this all. That we were seeing it through something which hardly distinguishes individuals and works more with concepts. And then there were some again and I was a bit confused.

The language is rich, which can be used to give a distinctive voice but falls a bit flat here. We don't know why it is used in this way, so it probably comes off more as hermetic than as a stylistic choice.

As for the story itself, I can live without knowing the reason of why it happened, but then I may need something else to give me an emotional focus. The pets at the beginning would probably be wonderful candidates.

Needs some work but has an interesting core.

>>Rao I think it's believable. Not that she would do it, but that she would be compelled to by the immediacy of her grief. The wound's still open, and her people are pouring big ol' heaps of salt into it by reminding her that she did something she's incapable of forgiving herself for. I could see that bringing out some destructive impulses, especially in a god-like being who just got through laying a smack-down on another god-like being for giving in to her own destructive impulses.

This is a very good character piece, and it comes as one of many character pieces written either about, or from the perspective of, Celestia. While I don't like to compare entries directly, I gotta say that this one probably nails Celestia better than any of the others I've read so far. Her thoughts and actions aren't quite the Celly we know and love, it's true, but this story effectively contextualizes her grief as a response to something world-shattering, better than the other Celestia pieces written for this prompt do.

If I were just going to rank the Celestia pieces I've read so far, I'd have to put this one at the very top. As it is, it's definitely a top contender to me.

I didn't get it and I still don't. I'm unable to say if this is a post-Nightmare Moon fic or post-Sunset or whatever.

And yes, she wasn't prepared for what exactly.

Somehow, I must agree with the other reviewers: by focusing mainly on Celestia’s physical reactions, you ticked me off: I wanted to know what had happened, but you let insufficient evidence for me to cotton on to the answer.

Frustrating.

This was definitely quite poetic, but it encroaches too much on the flowery and the overwrought for me. It is stodgy, and I fought through it like you can fight your way into a mass of bubblegum. Besides, I can't tell I was pretty much interested by the “plot”.

At the end, that makes it a pretty great experiment into English prose/poetry, but little else. I was left with the impression to have beheld an Homeric fight as the 19th century may have romanticised it, with impersonations of “concepts”.

So while I can’t pan it because of the obvious mastery you displayed, I can’t raise it to the sky neither.

>>Monokeras
Based on the flashbacks to a young pony trotting through Celestia's legs, the plans to find a replacement goldfish student feeling like murder, the scowling face not seen in months, and treating a written goodbye in a private journal as though someone else would read it, I'd say that this is post-Sunset, with Celestia unprepared to take on a new protege. That said, I'm not sure whether it's before or after Twilight's entrance exam.

It may be a bit early to do a review of the underrated, but here in the States, tomorrow is the Feast of St. Tryptophan and the day after is Shopping Mall Battle Royale. Thus, better to get it out before people have to deal with holiday obligations and bloodlust-inducing bargains.

"Moon Bright" (#3,) "Romancing an Alicorn" (#27,) "The Power of the Sun" (#34,) "Post Metamorphosis" (#36,) "Don't Speak" (#37,) "Wings" (#41,) "After Party" (#49,) and "Dawn" (#50) all have only three reviews each.

"Breaking the Mold" (#38) has four comments by three different people.

Now you know, and knowing is half the Writeoff.

>>CoffeeMinion
>>CoffeeMinion
I haven't reviewed this one yet (I'm trying to go in the order they appear in my Gallery) but I've seen enough short and provoking comments that I went and read it out of order. :facehoof: I'll do a proper review once I finally get here, but I wanted to throw in my two cents now because you've hit on something important.

I agree completely with it being disturbing (this is nearly tantamount to rape, tbh), but it doesn't bother me as much partly because it seems intended to be on the less-serious side of comedy, but also because I have a sneaking suspicion one of the issues here is the word limit.

Minifics are hard to cut: nearly three quarters of the stories this time are within ten words of the limit. I see in the Gallery that this is one of the 750-words-exactly stories (although I suspect some authors actually try for 750 so they don't feel like they're wasting words, in which case maybe that isn't the problem). Anyway, I can envision some simple fixes that would remove most of the creep factor, with the main one being SG and Trixie telling Twilight it was only cuddling and not sex, and Twilight seeming less freaked out... but they all require more text, and that would probably cut out some comedy.

So yeah, I find this more disturbing than Three Unicorn Tail Hairs (which, by the way, I've been exaggerating my mood a little so I'll probably go post an addendum on there next—it's much less disturbing now that I realize he wasn't doing what it seemed like he was doing), but it's got an easier fix. Except then the "frequency and volume" joke doesn't fit as well. Hmm.

I'll review this when I get here, hopefully later today.

>>Trick_Question
Just for addenda: I'm exaggerating my mood a little here and complaining about culture, rather than the story itself. This story is far less disturbing to me now that I realize he wasn't doing what it seemed like he was doing (I thought maybe the magical gestures were telekinetically "moving things out of the way" or something, and he's in exactly the right position to do that thing). I know the virgin trope is common enough not to seem creepy to most readers.

I still think there's disclarity by implying which ponies are involved rather than coming out and saying it in some fashion. It seems abundantly clear to me that the first is Rarity and the second Twilight, so much so that I'm flabbergasted so many ponies here disagree with that—but that does indicate a problem getting the message across to readers.

Also, I agree that "even Twi's butt is powerful" is an appropriate joke despite my nitpicking. I disfavor the virginity stereotypes of those two members of the Mane 6, but despite that displeasure, it works: Rarity is indeed the first I think of as "experienced", and Twilight is the last. So it's the right choice if you want to tell the story implicitly without naming ponies... but why is that path desirable?

I think it would be a much better story if you subverted reader expectations somewhere rather than leaning heavily on those expectations to tell the story in an overly-implicit manner.

There. I said it. :derpytongue2:

>>CoffeeMinion
I can't imagine this is anything but Potter because the way they describe making the wand is neigh-identical to how it's done in Potter. (That said, I haven't read Discworld and I have no idea how much whatsherface stole from other fictional realms. I also haven't read Potter but I saw the movies and have seen enough wand-making references online.)

...also, why not make this one story have twice as many comments as any other story! Yaaaay for comment number twenty-two. You must be thrilled, author. :facehoof:

>>FanOfMostEverything
The tryptophan thing is an urban legend.

BtM now has five comments by four ponies.

Wait WHAT? Oh buckit! I thought the Gallery was shuffled for every reader! I've been reviewing them from 1 to 50 because I thought my order was unique, otherwise I'd randomly permute them and use that order.

:facehoof:

Is there any way they could be permuted? Maybe they have the same numbers, but if you're logged in, you might have your own order they appear in the Gallery by which the forward-and-back arrows agree with...? (Or at least maybe the Gallery could start with a random number and then proceed normally down and wrap around to 1.)

That's a lot to ask of Roger, but I had no idea I was making this mistake. This is very likely why most of the "only three reviews" are the higher numbers.

>>Monokeras
>>FanOfMostEverything
This story is clearly set the morning after Twilight's exam. Celestia looks at the still-fresh hole in the school building's ceiling (caused by Spike). She has to think about saying goodbye to Sunset now, because she has a new student and needs to move on. That seems to be the entire point of the story. (But I've been wrong before.)

The reason it's Sunset is she's using the magic book that she used to communicate with her (the one that ends up in Twi's library after she gets her action playset designed to ruin her old, perfectly-serviceable home new castle).

I was hoping I would somehow never get to this one. :ajbemused:

But, I laughed, buck it all to Tartarus. I'm almost certain I know who you are, author, because very few would be willing to troll on this topic, let alone do it so well. I'm sure you realize you can't possibly medal with a story like this, but you did a good job, for what it's worth given the topic.

"I... I..." Twilight stammered. "I just don't know what went wrong!"

I'd even been using my own private dragon for official correspondence.

Both of these gave me giggles. What the buck is wrong with me? :facehoof:

I'm going to bypass the trolling and say you need plenty more horse words to justify AJ choosing Rich. AJ already has a job, and she holds the E of H, so you need to convince me that he found a better way to buffalo her—being a cowpony is not sufficient; you haven't succeeded yet.

I'd be clearer that Shy's voters just didn't vote or did protest votes, rather than leaving open the impression that they'd flip to Rich (which is a little too open for interpretation now). That allegory doesn't match reality and it doesn't fit in the story either.

The rest fits pretty well as long as you're on the liberal side. You ain't gettin' a lot of high scores from Trump supporters.

The ending is great.

Whew, I feel dirty now. I need to go get some salt.

>>Morning Sun
Pentarchy, dear. Don't forget Baby SellsALot McToyFace.

>>Trick_Question
Thanks.
I get worse and worse in pony lore, another reason why I'll be skipping pony short story rounds.

>>Monokeras
I don't think you need to skip rounds just because you don't know lore. You don't need to understand everything about a story to tell whether or not it's well-written, and that's one of the reasons we have these comment threads (to fill in the gaps when more information is required).

Personally, I try not to write stories which require too much knowledge of the show to understand and interpret. I tend not to be as implicit as this author or the Three Unicorn Tail Hairs author (both of which it should be clear from my hyper-criticality I almost certainly did not write). I think it's a dockable flaw if the story would be nearly meaningless to a non-fan. I think this story is okay in that regard because we see enough from Celie's imagination to be able to interpret the drama, and it's to the author's credit that they realized the necessity of those mental flashbacks. (I like this story, I just think the emotion is too strong and overt.)

But it is a problem if the story is so implicit that fans of the show who aren't up-to-date on everything can't tell who the ponies are. I wouldn't have thought that this story (or Three Unicorn Tail Hairs, after a third read-through) had that problem, but when commenters are confused that tells you that you either didn't leave enough clues, or just need to be more explicit about the facts.

In this case, one of the needed clues comes from the middle of Season 1, and the other comes from one of the EQG movies. The former might be easy to forget details of (although it's one of the most canonically-important episodes in the series), but for the latter it's definitely true that not everypony has seen it.

EDIT: What follows is really critical, so please don't take it personally. I like the premise of the story, I just can't get past how awful the characters are acting.

---

I'm sorry. I'm deeply bothered by this story. The characters are so out-of-character, so pathetic, and so downright nasty it makes me feel sick. :pinkiesick:

"Please remove those hideous gills from your neck."

No. Rarity would not shame her son over his natural body parts. No, no, no, no, no.

"Three parts donkey, one part mule," Rarity snorted.

NO. WRONG.

Celestia laughed behind her hoof.

Celestia would not laugh at Rarity and call her "spiteful" to her face, even if Rarity were being terrible and Celestia were doing it for a good cause.

"You’be go no chance?"

What language is this? :rainbowhuh:

As cool as his father was, he had both his honesty and common sense glands removed.

Dear Celestia! I hope this was meant to be figurative, but based on the rest of the story, I'm not sure that's the case. :fluttershyouch: Just... no.

"I'm G—..."

Oddly enough, I like the premise! I just can't stand how you've painted the characters (except, perhaps, Gem). Also, I'm not sure I can buy that anypony would consider Discord "beautiful" at any age, or that nopony would notice the similarities between Gem and Discord, especially given the fact that they're both draconequuses, and those are incredibly rare. Those both undercut the premise a bit, as does the fact that Discord never shows the slightest interest or memory of Rarity (or especially Fluttershy, initially) in the show. So you might need to add something in to make sense of those discrepancies (I can think of a number of fixes).

But for Celestia's sake, please work on the characterizations.

Also, Gem needs a longer name than just "Gem". Rarity wouldn't name her son something that simple, and I don't think there are ponies in general on the show with names that simple.

>>Trick_Question

Oooo:

That could be a way to go with this one, author. Make it clear at the beginning that we're in a timeline where Discord never appeared, and then show us that it's an awful place full of awful ponies. Gem going back in time to become Discord, then, is the event that turns Equestria into the pleasant place we see in the show: the characters have to live through the terrible things Discord does in order to become the characters we know.

Mike Again

Well, while I was not enthused by the story, it is nevertheless quite solid. It’s a good insight in how the “commoners” might react to the return of Luna.

My only gripe would be in the use of the word “hypothetical” which I am not sure would be in the lexical field of those two farmers. It doesn't sound to me as a very common word, at least one that the two would use why bantering together.

But I may be wrong.

In any case, good, solid stuff, as you might expect from farmers. ;)

I've read it a couple of times now and I'm still a bit perplexed by this story.

You clearly had fun writing it and I had fun reading it, but I got the vague impression that the story doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up. You mix surreal situations with a bit of melancholy and a subtle comedic vein that runs through the whole piece.

That certainly is a combination that can be powerful, but it is also difficult to get right. You have some interesting ideas, but the lack of focus detracts a bit from them.

Fix the dangling threads and tighten it a bit and this will be great.

>>Baal Bunny
Oh, oh wow. This is great. I love this idea!

...though it still doesn't explain how the Mane 6 defeated NMM.

Honestly, I think this story needs more space than the minific format can give it in order to shine. There are too many loose ends that need tying up for the premise to work properly, no matter how you paint the characters.

>>Orbiting_kettle
I'm usually the critical bitch. I'm stunned that I appear to have enjoyed this story more than any of the other reviewers!

There's a lot of random in the viewer's perception of art. Although I'm not consciously aware of this, I'm certain that how I'm feeling at the moment I read something strongly influences whether I'll like it or not.

But yeah, I did like this one and found the flaws very minor.

You need to spell "Again?" right, and definitely italicize that word. I disagree with >>Xepher ; I wasn't expecting the trope so it didn't seem cliche, and I laughed.

Normally in a story like this I'd complain that "describing events via a conversation is a lazy way of telling a story; it'd be better to show"; then suggest you do cutaways from the conversation to actually show what happened. But in this case, it works, because the chemistry between the two characters is solid and really sells the story. Amazingly, I'd rather overhear this conversation than see the events as they unfold, and it's hard to do that properly despite the lower degree-of-difficulty that comes from being this telly. So, nice job.

I don't have much I could offer to improve the story, but I think it could use some tweaking in parts to make the conversation seem more natural (especially nearer the end).

Oh! Wait, I do have one suggestion. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are out of place. Those are the only places you're narrating value judgments to the reader. Everything else is simply describing the conversation. You should fix that, because it's a mistake to lean on telly narration at the beginning when it isn't necessary. Don't tell us Trixie isn't a morning pony: show us, and let us figure it out through the descriptions and bits of conversation... and so on.

>>Trick_Question
My impression is fairly subjective too, as I stated in my first review. Everything I say is simply my perception on how to improve that particular story for me as target reader.

I also tend to sometimes be in awe of stories almost nobody else appreciate o the same level.

It is possible that in two days, when I'll read it again I'll suddenly grok it and will enthusiastically push the story under the nose of whomever will be so careless as to listen to me.

The problem in the write-off is that you don't have the time to deeply ponder on each entry, which is the reason why common wisdom holds that subtlety is dangerous.

>>FanOfMostEverything

Oh my God, it’s a Conversion Bureau story.

I... Hmm. I don't have any idea what that is.

At first I thought this story was very original, and I was interested in seeing more, but a little disappointed in the loose ends. The main one being that it doesn't make any sense he'd be stuck in the wrong country. That needs more justification than the story provides.

Ultimately, a story like this needs to be able to stand on its own, even if it's drawn from somewhere else. I don't think we've reached that point yet, and if the "conversion" aspects come from another source, I'm left uncertain as to how much of the story and its ideas actually came from the author themself. The writing is good, but is there anything beyond this story than a mix of whatever CB is and the basic idea of "drunken regret" implied through the competition theme? Without more data, I can't really say.

That hurts the story in my eyes more than if it had been original without any reasonable explanation behind it (as with Day One, which I really like). I think the problem here (and perhaps with Three Unicorn Tail Hairs as well, just to mention it for the seventy-billionth bucking time) is that you're leaning on outside material to write a minific in a very limited space. That isn't quite "cheating", but it limits your audience. You can do that with EQG if you like, and maybe get away with Star Wars or something neigh-universally recognized, but I don't think Harry Potter is enough and this Bureau thing is definitely insufficient to assume on your readership.

>>Not_A_Hat
I, too, am intrigued by the possibility that, in a horrifically tragic turn of events, Luna was purged of the Nightmare when she was struck by the elements. Then we get to figure on whether she is infected again upon re-entry, which opens up a lot of possibilities for why, (the stars are cold and full of evil) or whether the sorrow and bitterness from her imprisonment ( feel the weight of 10,000 years!) is what caused her to convert back to evil and begin to plot her escape.

I got the meteorites... but not the graffiti, since that does imply that there is enough hoof-traffic to warrant such a thing... :rainbow shrug:

I think this one has possibilities, it depends on which direction it is expanded in.

...ten years since the defeat of Nightmare Moon...

This is SUPER CONFUSING. I read the entire story thinking this was taking place in the past, and for some reason Luna was eventually going to time-travel backwards and fight Celestia. I was prepared to nitpick that Luna was canonically much older than seventeen when she fought her sister (by several decades at least, probably a century—consider the timeline for the Castle of the Two Sisters).

I don't think that confusion adds anything to this piece. It muddles it, rather. You should say "since the return of Luna", or something like that. Also, for most citizens, the return of NMM was nary more than a hiccup: Luna returning is the headline there. There's nothing special about the 10th anniversary of a second defeat. The 1000th anniversary of the original defeat was only lightly celebrated.

That said, your years are substantially off, which added to the confusion for me. Twilight was an adult when NMM returned, at least sixteen; and she predated Sunset Shimmer's departure from Celestia by at least a decade. So even if Sunset left when she was unusually young to go out on her own, like fifteen, the correct age at this point in time would need to be at least 40 years old, and perhaps as old as 55. The math requires that she must be at least in her early to mid-30's in EQG, which is one of the main flaws of the movies and a reason some headcanons suggest that in EQG, rainbow people don't age (remember the sirens are centuries old), or maybe time moves at a different rate. The other option is that ponies in Equestria age more quickly (like real horses), but that contradicts a lot of evidence from the show showing young ponies age very little over the course of a two-year period.

I suggest changing that first line, and fixing the age to match the show. I think I can get behind the premise, even though it's very strange that Sunset would never mention being related to Princess Celestia, and refer to her as Princess Celestia, etc.—that's excusable.

Oh, wait. I just realized that that stallion is her father. That's awkward. It works, though.